ACT II. SCENE I.

_Enter, as from Dinner_, TRICE, TIMOROUS, FAILER, BURR, CONSTANCE, ISABELLA.

_Trice_. Speak thy conscience; was it not well dressed, sirrah?

_Tim_. What think you of the Park, after our plenteous entertainment, madam?

_Isa_. I defy the Park, and all its works.

_Const_. Come, Mr Trice, we'll walk in your garden.

[_Exeunt all but_ FAILER _and_ BURR.

_Fail_. O, one thing I had almost forgot to tell you; one of us two must ever be near Sir Timorous.

_Burr_. Why?

_Fail_. To guard our interest in him from the enemy, madam Isabella; who, I doubt, has designs upon him. I do not fear her wit, but her sex; she carries a prevailing argument about her.

_Enter_ BIBBER _with a Bottle_.

_Bib_. By this hand, I have alight upon the best wine in your cousin's cellar; drink but one glass to me, to shew I am welcome, and I am gone.

_Fail_. Here then, honest Will; 'tis a cup of forbearance to thee.

_Bib_. Thank you, sir, I'll pledge you--now here's to you again.

_Fail_. Come away; what is't, Will?

_Bib_. 'Tis what you christened it, a cup of forbearance, sir.

_Fail_. Why, I drank that to thee, Will, that thou shouldst forbear thy money.

_Bib_. And I drink this to you, sir; henceforward I'll forbear working for you.

_Fail_. Then say I:

_Take a little Bibber, And threw him in the river; And if he will trust never, Then there let him lie ever._

_Bib_. Then say I:

_Take a little Failer, And throw him to the jailor; And there let him lie, Till he has paid his tailor._

_Burr_. You are very smart upon one another, gentlemen.

_Fail_. This is nothing between us; I use to tell him of his title, _Fiery facias_; and his setting dog, that runs into ale-houses before him, and comes questing out again, if any of the woots, his customers, be within.

_Bib_. I'faith 'tis true; and I use to tell him of his two capon's tails about his hat, that are laid spread-eaglewise to make a feather; I would go into the snow at any time, and in a quarter of an hour I would come in with a better feather upon my head; and so farewel, sir; I have had the better on you hitherto, and for this time I am resolved to keep it.

[_Exit_ BIBBER.

_Fail_. The rogue's too hard for me; but the best on't is, I have my revenge upon his purse.

_Enter_ ISABELLA.

_Isa_. Came not Sir Timorous this way, gentlemen? He left us in the garden, and said he would look out my Lord Nonsuch, to make his peace with him.

_Fail_. Madam, I like not your enquiring after Sir Timorous: I suspect you have some design upon him: You would fain undermine your cousin, and marry him yourself.

_Isa_. Suppose I should design it, what are you the worse for my good fortune? Shall I make a proposition to you? I know you two carry a great stroke with him: Make the match between us, and propound to yourselves what advantages you can reasonably hope: You shall chouse him of horses, cloaths, and money, and I'll wink at it.

_Burr_. And if he will not be choused, shall we beat him out on't?

_Isa_. For that, as you can agree.

_Fail_. Give us a handsel of the bargain; let us enjoy you, and 'tis a match.

_Isa_. Grammercy i'faith, boys; I love a good offer, howe'er the world goes; but you would not be so base to wrong him that way?

_Fail_. I vow to gad but I would, madam: In a horse, or a woman, I may lawfully cheat my own father: Besides, I know the knight's complexion; he would be sure to follow other women; and all that.

_Isa_. Nay, if he fought with the sword, he should give me leave to fight with the scabbard.

_Burr_. What say you, madam? Is't a bargain?

_Isa_. 'Tis but a promise; and I have learnt a court trick for performing any thing [_Aside_]. Well, gentlemen, when I am married I'll think upon you; you'll grant there's a necessity I should cuckold him, if it were but to prove myself a wit.

_Fail_. Nay, there's no doubt you'll cuckold him, and all that; for look you, he's a person fit for nothing else; but I fear we shall not have the graffing of the horns; we must have livery and seisin beforehand of you, or I protest to gad we believe you not.

_Isa_. I have past my word; is't not sufficient? What! do you think I would tell a lie to save such a paltry thing as a night's lodging?--Hark you, sir. [To BURR.

_Fail_. Now will she attempt Burr; egad, she has found him out for the weaker vessel.

_Isa_. I have no kindness for that Failer; we'll strike him out, and manage Sir Timorous ourselves.

_Burr_. Indeed we won't.

_Isa_. Failer's a rook; and, besides, he's such a debauched fellow--

_Burr_. I am ten times worse.

_Isa_. Leave it, and him that taught it you: You have virtuous inclinations, and I would not have you ruin yourself. He, that serves many mistresses, surfeits on his diet, and grows dead to the whole sex: 'Tis the folly in the world next long ears and braying.

_Burr_. Now I'm sure you have a mind to me; when a woman once falls a preaching, the next thing is ever use and application.

_Isa_. Forbear your rudeness!--

_Burr_. Then I am sure you mean to jilt me: You decline Failer, because he has wit; and you think me such an ass, that you may pack me off so soon as you are married; no, no, I'll not venture certainties for uncertainties.

_Isa_. I can hold no longer;--Mr Failer, what do you think this fellow was saying of you?

_Fail_. Of me, madam?

_Isa_. That you were one of the arrantest cowards in Christendom, though you went for one of the Dear Hearts; that your name had been upon more posts than playbills; and that he had been acquainted with you these seven years, drunk and sober, and yet could never fasten a quarrel upon you.

_Burr_. Do you believe this, dear heart?

_Isa_. If you deny it, I'll take his sword, and force you to confess it.

_Fail_. I vow to gad; this will not do, madam: You shall not set us at variance so easily; neither shall you have Sir Timorous.

_Isa_. No! then mark my words: I'll marry him in spite of you; and, which is worse, you shall both work my ends, and I'll discard you for your pains.

_Fail_. You shall not touch a bit of him: I'll preserve his humbles from you, egad; they shall be his keeper's fees[A].

[Footnote A: The keeper of a royal forest had for his fees the skin, head, umbles (_i.e._ inwards), chine, and shoulders. HOLINSHED'S _Chronicle_, vol. i. p. 104.]

_Burr_. She shall cut an atom sooner than divide us. [_Exeunt_ BURR _and_ FAILER.

_Enter_ CONSTANCE.

_Const_. I have given 'em the slip in the garden, to come and overhear thee: No fat overgrown virgin of forty ever offered herself so dog-cheap, or was more despised; methinks now this should mortify thee exceedingly.

_Isa_. Not a whit the more for that: Cousin mine, our sex is not so easily put out of conceit with our own beauties.

_Const_. Thou hast lost the opinion of thy honesty, and got nothing in recompence: Now that's such an oversight in a lady--

_Isa_. You are deceived; they think me too virtuous for their purpose; but I have yet another way to try, and you shall help me.

_Enter_ LOVEBY, _new habited_.

_Const_. Mr Loveby, welcome, welcome: Where have you been this fortnight?

_Lov_. Faith, madam, out of town, to see a little thing that's fallen to me upon the death of a grandmother.

_Const_. You thank death for the windfall, servant: But why are you not in mourning for her?

_Lov_. Troth, madam, it came upon me so suddenly, I had not time: 'Twas a fortune utterly unexpected by me.

_Isa_. Why, was your grandmother so young, you could not look for her decease?

_Lov_. Not for that neither; but I had many other kindred, whom she might have left it to; only she heard I lived here in fashion, and spent my money in the eye of the world.

_Const_. You forge these things prettily; but I have heard you are as poor as a decimated cavalier, and had not one foot of land in all the world.

_Lov_. Rivals' tales, rivals' tales, madam.

_Const_. Where lies your land, sir?

_Lov_. I'll tell you, madam, it has upon it a very fair manor house; from one side you have in prospect an hanging garden.

_Isa_. Who was hanged there? not your grandmother, I hope?

_Lov_. In the midst of it you have a fountain: You have seen that at Hampton-court? it will serve to give you a slight image of it. Beyond the garden you look to a river through a perspective of fruit-trees; and beyond the river you see a mead so flowery!--Well, I shall never be at quiet, till we two make hay there.

_Const_. But where lies this paradise?

_Lov_. Pox on't; I am thinking to sell it, it has such a villanous unpleasant name, it would have sounded so harsh in a lady's ear. But for the fountain, madam--

_Const_. The fountain's a poor excuse, it will not hold water; come, the name, the name.

_Lov_. Faith, it is come so lately into my hands, that I have forgot the name on't.

_Isa_. That's much, now, that you should forget the name, and yet could make such an exact description of the place.

_Lov_. If you would needs know, the name's Bawdy.--Sure this will give a stop to their curiosity. [_Aside_.

_Isa_. At least you will tell us in what county it lies, that my cousin may send to enquire about it: come, this shall not serve your turn; tell us any town that's near it.

_Lov_. 'Twill be somewhat too far to send; it lies in the very north of Scotland.

_Isa_. In good time, a paradise in the Highlands; is't not so, sir?

_Const_. It seems you went post, servant: in troth you are a rank rider, to go to the north of Scotland, stay and take possession, and return again, in ten days time.

_Isa_. I never knew your grandmother was a Scotch woman: Is she not a Tartar too? Pray whistle for her, and let's see her dance; come--whist, grannee!

_Const_. Fie, fie, servant; what, no invention in you? all this while a-studying for a name of your manor? come, come, where lies it? tell me.

_Lov_. No, faith, I am wiser than so; I'll discover my seat to no man; so I shall have some damned lawyer keep a prying into my title, to defeat me of it.

_Const_. How then shall I be satisfied, there is such a thing in nature?

_Lov_. Tell me what jewel you would wear, and you shall have it: Enquire into my money, there's the trial.

_Const_. Since you are so flush, sir, you shall give me a locket of diamonds, of three hundred pounds.

_Isa_. That was too severe; you know he has but two hundred and fifty pounds to bestow. [_To her.

Lov_. Well, you shall have it, madam: But I cannot higgle; I know you'll say it did not cost above two hundred pieces.

_Isa_. I'll be hanged if he does not present you with a parcel of melted flints set in gold, or Norfolk pebbles.

_Lov_. Little gentlewoman, you are so keen--Madam, this night I have appointed business, to-morrow I'll wait upon you with it. [_Exit_ LOVEBY.

_Isa_. By that time he has bought his locket, and paid his landlady, all his money will be gone. But do you mean to prosecute your plot to see him this evening?

_Const_. Yes, and that very privately; if my father know it, I am undone.

_Enter_ SETSTONE.

_Isa_. I heard him say, this night he had appointed business.

_Set_. Why, that was it, madam; according to your order, I put on a disguise, and found him in the Temple-walks: Having drawn him aside, I told him, if he expected happiness, he must meet me in a blind alley, I nam'd to him, on the back side of Mr Trice's house, just at the close of evening; there he should be satisfied from whom he had his supplies of money.

_Const_. And how did he receive the summons?

_Set_. Like a bold Hector of Troy; without the least doubt or scruple: But, the jest on't was, he would needs believe that I was the devil.

_Const_. Sure he was afraid to come then?

_Set_. Quite contrary; he told me I need not be so shy, to acknowledge myself to him; he knew I was the devil; but he had learnt so much civility, as not to press his friend to a farther discovery than he was pleased. I should see I had to do with a gentleman; and any courtesy I should confer on him, he would not be unthankful; for he hated ingratitude of all things.

_Const_. 'Twas well carried not to disabuse him: I laugh to think what sport I shall have anon, when I convince him of his lies, and let him know I was the devil, to whom he was beholden for his money: Go, Setstone; and in the same disguise be ready for him. [_Exit_ SETSTONE.

_Isa_. How dare you trust this fellow?

_Const_. I must trust some body: Gain has made him mine, and now fear will keep him faithful.

_To them_, BURR, FAILER, TIMOROUS, TRICE, _and_ NONSUCH.

_Fail_. Pray, my lord, take no pique at it: 'Tis not given to all men to be confident: Egad, you shall see Sir Timorous will redeem all upon the next occasion.

_Non_. A raw miching boy.

_Isa_. And what are you but an old boy of five and fifty? I never knew any thing so humoursome--I warrant you, Sir Timorous; I'll speak for you.

_Non_. Would'st thou have me be friends with him? for thy sake he shall only add five hundred a-year to her jointure, and I'll be satisfied: Come you hither, sir.

[_Here_ TRICE _and_ NONSUCH _and_ TIMOROUS _talk privately_; BURR _with_ FAILER _apart_, CONSTANCE _with_ ISABELLA.

_Const_. You'll not find your account in this trick to get Failer beaten; 'tis too palpable and open.

_Isa_. I warrant you 'twill pass upon Burr for a time: So my revenge and your interest will go on together.

_Fail_. Burr, there's mischief a-brewing, I know it by their whispering, I vow to gad: Look to yourself, their design is on you; for my part, I am a person that am above 'em.

_Tim_. to _Trice_. But then you must speak for me, Mr Trice: and you too, my lord.

_Non_. If you deny't again, I'll beat you; look to't, boy.

_Trice_. Come on; I'll make the bargain.

_Isa_. You were ever good in a flesh-market.

_Trice_. Come, you little harlotry; what satisfaction can you give me for running away before the ruffs came in?

_Const_. Why, I left you to 'em, that ever invite your own belly to the greatest part of all your feasts.

_Trice_. I have brought you a knight here, huswife, with a plentiful fortune to furnish out a table; and what would you more? Would you be an angel in heaven?

_Isa_. Your mind's ever upon your belly.

_Trice_. No: 'tis sometimes upon yours: But, what say'st thou to sir Timorous, little Constance?

_Const_. Would you have me married to that king Midas's face?

_Trice_. Midas me no Midas; he's a wit; he understands eating and drinking well: _Poeta coquus_, the heathen philosopher could tell you that.

_Const_. Come on, sir: what's your will with me? [_Laughs_.

_Tim_. Why, madam, I could only wish we were a little better acquainted, that we might not laugh at one another so.

_Const_. If the fool puts forward, I am undone.

_Tim_. Fool!--do you know me, madam?

_Const_. You may see I know you, because I call you by your name.

_Fail_. You must endure these rebukes with patience, Sir Timorous.

_Const_. What, are you planet struck? Look you, my lord, the gentleman's tongue-tied.

_Non_. This is past enduring.

_Fail_. 'Tis nothing, my lord;--courage, Sir Timorous.

_Non_. I say 'tis past enduring; that's more than ever I told you yet: Do you come to make a fool of my daughter?

_Isa_. Why lord--

_Non_. Why lady--[_Exit_ NONSUCH.

_Trice_. Let's follow the old man, and pacify him.

_Isa_. Now, cousin,--[_Exeunt_ ISA. TRICE, BURR.

_Const_. Well, Mr Failer, I did not think you, of all the rest, would have endeavoured a thing so much against my inclination, as this marriage: if you had been acquainted with my heart, I am sure you would not.

_Fail_. What can the meaning of this be? you would not have me believe you love me; and yet how otherwise to understand you I vow to gad I cannot comprehend.

_Const_. I did not say I loved you; but if I should take a fancy to your person and humour, I hope it is no crime to tell it you. Women are tied to hard unequal laws: The passion is the same in us, and yet we are debarred the freedom to express it. You make poor Grecian beggars of us ladies; our desires must have no language, but only be fastened to our breasts.

_Fail_. Come, come; egad I know the whole sex of you: Your love's at best but a kind: of blind-man's-buff, catching at him that's next in your way.

_Const_. Well, sir, I can take nothing ill from you; when 'tis too late you'll see how unjust you have been to me. I have said too much already.--[_Is going_.

_Fail_. Nay stay, sweet madam! I vow to gad my fortune's better than I could imagine.

_Const_. No, pray let me go, sir; perhaps I was in jest.

_Fail_. Really, madam, I look upon you as a person of such worth, and all that, that I vow to gad I honour you of all persons in the world; and though I am a person that am inconsiderable in the world, and all that, madam, for a person of your worth and excellency I would--

_Const_. What would you, sir?

_Fail_. Sacrifice my life and fortunes, I vow to gad, madam.

_Enter_ ISABELLA, BURR, _and_ TIMOROUS, _at a distance from them_.

_Isa_. There's Failer close in talk with my cousin; he's soliciting your suit, I warrant you, Sir Timorous: Do but observe with what passion he courts for you.

_Burr_. I do not like that kneading of her hand though.

_Isa_. Come, you are such a jealous coxcomb: I warrant you suspect there's some amour between 'em; there can be nothing in't, it is so open: Pray observe.

_Burr_. But how come you so officious, madam? you, that ere now had a design upon Sir Timorous for yourself?

_Isa_. I thought you had a better opinion of my wit, than to think I was in earnest. My cousin may do what she pleases, but he shall never pin himself upon me, assure him.

_Const_. to _Fail_. Sir Timorous little knows how dangerous a person he has employed in making love.--[Aloud.

_Burr_. How's this! Pray, my lady Constance, what's the meaning of that you say to Failer?

_Fail_. What luck was this, that he should overhear you! Pax on't!

_Const_. Mr Burr, I owe you not that satisfaction; what you have heard you may interpret as you please.

_Tim_. The rascal has betrayed me.

_Isa_. In earnest, sir, I do not like it.

_Fail_. Dear Mr Burr, be pacified; you are a person I have an honour for; and this change of affairs shall not be the worse for you, egad, sir.

_Const_. Bear up resolutely, Mr Failer; and maintain my favours, as becomes my servant.

_Burr_. He maintain 'em! go, you Judas; I'll teach you what 'tis to play fast and loose with a man of war. [Kicks him.

_Tim_. Lay it on, Burr.

_Isa_. Spare him not, Burr.

_Const_. Fear him not, servant.

_Fail_. Oh, oh! would nobody were on my side! here I am praised, I vow to gad, into all the colours of the rainbow.

_Const_. But remember 'tis for me.

_Burr_. As you like this, proceed, sir; but, come not near me to-night, while I'm in wrath.

[_Exeunt_ BURR _and_ TIMOROUS.

_Const_. Come, sir; how fare you after your sore trial? You bore it with a most heroic patience.

_Isa._ Brave man at arms, but weak to Balthazar[A]!

[Footnote A: Alluding to the old play of Hieronymo.]

_Fail_. I hope to gad, madam, you'll consider the merit of my sufferings. I would not have been beaten thus, but to obey that person in the world--

_Const_. Heaven reward you for't; I never shall.

_Fail_. How, madam!

_Isa_. Art thou such an ass, as not to perceive thou art abused? This beating I contrived for you: you know upon what account; and have yet another or two at your service. Yield up the knight in time, 'tis your best course.

_Fail_. Then does not your ladyship love me, madam?

_Const_. Yes, yes, I love to see you beaten.

_Isa_. Well, methinks now you have had a hard bargain on't: You have lost your cully, Sir Timorous, and your friend, Burr, and all to get a poor beating. But I'll see it mended against next time for you.

[_Exeunt_ CONSTANCE _and_ ISABELLA, _laughing_.

_Fail_. I am so much amazed, I vow to gad, I do not understand my own condition. [_Exit_.