SCENE II.--AMPHITRYON'S _Palace_.

_Enter_ ALCMENA.

_Alc._ Why was I married to the man I love! For, had he been indifferent to my choice, Or had been hated, absence had been pleasure; But now I fear for my Amphitryon's life: At home, in private, and secure from war, I am amidst an host of armed foes, Sustaining all his cares, pierced with his wounds; And, if he falls,--which, O ye gods avert!-- Am in Amphitryon slain! Would I were there, And he were here; so might we change our fates; That he might grieve for me, and I might die for him.

_Enter_ PHÆDRA, _running_.

_Phæd._ Good news, good news, madam; O such admirable news, that, if I kept it in a moment, I should burst with it.

_Alc._ Is it from the army?

_Phæd._ No matter.

_Alc._ From Amphitryon?

_Phæd._ No matter, neither.

_Alc._ Answer me, I charge thee, if thy good news be any thing relating to my lord; if it be, assure thyself of a reward.

_Phæd._ Ay, madam, now you say something to the matter: You know the business of a poor waiting-woman, here upon earth, is to be scraping up something against a rainy day, called the day of marriage; every one in our own vocation:--But what matter is it to me if my lord has routed the enemy, if I get nothing of their spoils?

_Alc._ Say, is my lord victorious?

_Phæd._ Why, he is victorious: indeed I prayed devoutly to Jupiter for a victory; by the same token, that you should give me ten pieces of gold if I brought you news of it.

_Alc._ They are thine, supposing he be safe too.

_Phæd._ Nay, that's a new bargain, for I vowed to Jupiter, that then you should give me ten pieces more; but I do undertake for my lord's safety, if you will please to discharge his godship Jupiter of the debt, and take it upon you to pay.

_Alc._ When he returns in safety, Jupiter and I will pay your vow.

_Phæd._ And I am sure I articled with Jupiter, that, if I brought you news that my lord was upon return, you should grant me one small favour more, that will cost you nothing.

_Alc._ Make haste, thou torturer; is my Amphitryon upon return?

_Phæd._ Promise me, that I shall be your bedfellow to-night, as I have been ever since my lord's absence; unless I shall be pleased to release you of your word.

_Alc._ That's a small request; 'tis granted.

_Phæd._ But swear by Jupiter.

_Alc._ But why by Jupiter?

_Phæd._ Because he's the greatest: I hate to deal with one of your little baffling gods, that can do nothing but by permission; but Jupiter can swinge you off, if you swear by him, and are forsworn.

_Alc._ I swear by Jupiter.

_Phæd._ Then--I believe he is victorious, and I know he is safe; for I looked through the key-hole, and saw him knocking at the gate; and I had the conscience to let him cool his heels there.

_Alc._ And would'st thou not open to him? Oh, thou traitress!

_Phæd._ No, I was a little wiser: I left Sosia's wife to let him in; for I was resolved to bring the news, and make my pennyworths out of him, as time shall show.

_Enter_ JUPITER, _in the shape of_ AMPHITRYON, _with_ SOSIA'S _wife_, BROMIA. _He kisses and embraces_ ALCMENA.

_Jup._ O let me live for ever on those lips! The nectar of the gods to these is tasteless. I swear, that, were I Jupiter, this night I would renounce my heaven, to be Amphitryon.

_Alc._ Then, not to swear beneath Amphitryon's oath, (Forgive me, Juno, if I am profane,) I swear, I would be what I am this night, And be Alcmena, rather than be Juno.

_Brom._ Good my lord, what is become of my poor bedfellow, your man Sosia? you keep such a billing and cooing here, to set one's mouth a watering--what I say, though I am a poor woman, I have a husband as well as my lady; and should be as glad as she, of a little honest recreation.

_Phæd._ And what have you done with your old friend, and my old sweetheart, Judge Gripus? has he brought me home a crammed purse, that swells with bribes? if he be rich, I will make him welcome like an honourable magistrate; but if he has not had the wit to sell justice, he judges no causes in my court, I warrant him.

_Alc._ My lord, you tell me nothing of the battle? Is Thebes victorious, are our foes destroyed? For, now I find you safe, I should be glad To hear you were in danger.

_Jup._ [_Aside._] A man had need be a god, to stand the fury of three talking women! I think, in my conscience, I made their tongues of thunder.

_Brom._ [_Pulling him on one side._] I asked the first question; answer me, my lord.

_Phæd._ [_Pulling him on the other side._] Peace! mine is a lover, and yours but a husband; and my judge is my lord too; the title shall take place, and I will be answered.

_Jup._ Sosia is safe; Gripus is rich; both coming; I rode before them, with a lover's haste.---- Was e'er poor god so worried? but for my love, I wish I were in heaven again with Juno. [_Aside._

_Alc._ Then I, it seems, am last to be regarded?

_Jup._ Not so, my love; but these obstreperous tongues Have snatched their answers first; they will be heard; And surely Jove would never answer prayer That woman made, but only to be freed From their eternal noise. Make haste to bed; There let me tell my story, in thy arms; There, in the gentle pauses of our love, Betwixt our dyings, ere we live again, Thou shalt be told the battle, and success; Which I shall oft begin, and then break off; For love will often interrupt my tale, And make so sweet confusion in our talk, That thou shalt ask, and I shall answer things, That are not of a piece; but patched with kisses, And sighs, and murmurs, and imperfect speech; And nonsense shall be eloquent, in love.

_Brom._ [_To_ PHÆDHA.] My lord is very hot upon it: this absence is a great friend to us poor neglected wives; it makes us new again.

_Alc._ I am the fool of love; and find within me The fondness of a bride, without the fear. My whole desires and wishes are in you.

_Phæd._ [_Aside._] My lady's eyes are pinking to bed-ward too: now is she to look very sleepy, counterfeiting yawning,--but she shall ask me leave first.

_Alc._ Great Juno, thou, whose holy care presides Over the nuptial bed, pour all thy blessings On this auspicious night!

_Jup._ Juno may grudge; for she may fear a rival In those bright eyes; but Jupiter will grant, And doubly bless this night.

_Phæd._ [_Aside._] But Jupiter should ask my leave first, were he here in person.

_Alc._ Bromia, prepare the bed: The tedious journey has disposed my lord To seek his needful rest. [_Exit_ BROMIA.

_Phæd._ 'Tis very true, madam; the poor gentleman must needs be weary; and, therefore, it was not ill contrived, that he must lie alone to-night, to recruit himself with sleep, and lay in enough for to-morrow night, when you may keep him waking.

_Alc._ [_To_ JUPITER.] I must confess, I made a kind of promise.----

_Phæd._ [_Almost crying._] A kind of promise, do you call it? I see you would fain be coming off. I am sure you swore to me, by Jupiter, that I should be your bedfellow; and I'll accuse you to him, too, the first prayers I make; and I'll pray o' purpose, too, that I will, though I have not prayed to him this seven years.

_Jup._ O, the malicious hilding!

_Alc._ I did swear, indeed, my lord.

_Jup._ Forswear thyself; for Jupiter but laughs At lovers' perjuries.

_Phæd._ The more shame for him, if he does: there would be a fine god, indeed, for us women to worship, if he laughs when our sweethearts cheat us of our maidenheads. No, no, Jupiter is an honester gentleman than you make of him.

_Jup._ I'm all on fire; and would not lose this night, To be the master of the universe.

_Phæd._ Ay, my lord, I see you are on fire; but the devil a bucket shall be brought to quench it, without my leave. You may go to bed, madam; but you shall see how heaven will bless your night's work, if you forswear yourself:--Some fool, some mere elder-brother, or some blockheadly hero, Jove, I beseech thee, send her!

_Jup._ [_Aside._] Now I could call my thunder to revenge me, But that were to confess myself a god, And then I lost my love!----Alcmena, come; By heaven I have a bridegroom's fervour for thee, As I had ne'er enjoyed.

_Alc._ She has my oath; [_Sighing._ And sure she may release it, if she pleases.

_Phæd._ Why truly, madam, I am not cruel in my nature, to poor distressed lovers; for it may be my own case another day: and therefore, if my lord pleases to consider me----

_Jup._ Any thing, any thing! but name thy wish, and have it.

_Phæd._ Ay, now you say, any thing, any thing; but you would tell me another story to-morrow morning. Look you, my lord, here is a hand open to receive; you know the meaning of it; I am for nothing but the ready----

_Jup._ Thou shalt have all the treasury of heaven.

_Phæd._ Yes, when you are Jupiter, to dispose of it.

_Jup._ [_Aside._] I had forgot, and shewed myself a god: This love can make a fool of Jupiter.

_Phæd._ You have forgot some part of the enemies' spoil, I warrant you. I see a little trifling diamond upon your finger; and I am proud enough to think it would become mine too.

_Jup._ Here take it.-- [_Taking a Ring off his Finger, and giving it._ This is a very woman; Her sex is avarice, and she, in one, Is all her sex.

_Phæd._ Ay, ay, 'tis no matter what you say of us. What, would you have your money out of the treasury, without paying the officers their fees? Go, get you together, you naughty couple, till you are both weary of worrying one another; and then to-morrow morning I shall have another fee for parting you.

[PHÆDRA _goes out before_ ALCMENA _with a light_.

_Jup._ Why now, I am indeed the lord of all; For what's to be a god, but to enjoy? Let human kind their sovereign's leisure wait; Love is, this night, my great affair of state: Let this one night of providence be void; All Jove, for once, is on himself employ'd. Let unregarded altars smoke in vain; And let my subjects praise me, or complain: Yet if, betwixt my intervals of bliss, Some amorous youth his orisons address, His prayer is in a happy hour preferred; And when Jove loves, a lover shall be heard. [_Exit._