Chapter 8

_A Table set with Cards upon it_.

TRICE _walking: Enter Servant_.

_Serv_. Sir, some company is without upon justice-business.

_Trice_. Saucy rascal, to disturb my meditations. [_Exit Servant_.--Ay, it shall be he: Jack Loveby, what think'st thou of a game at piquet, we two, hand to fist? you and I will play one single game for ten pieces: 'Tis deep stake, Jack, but 'tis all one between us two: You shall deal, Jack:--Who I, Mr Justice! that's a good one; you must give me use for your hand then; that's six i'the hundred.--Come, lift, lift;--mine's a ten; Mr Justice:--mine's a king; oh ho, Jack, you deal. I have the advantage of this, i'faith, if I can keep it. [_He deals twelve a piece, two by two, and looks on his own cards_.] I take seven, and look on this--Now for you, Jack Loveby.

_Enter_ LOVEBY _behind_.

_Lov_. How's this? Am I the man he fights with?

_Trice_. I'll do you right, Jack; as I am an honest man, you must discard this; there's no other way: If you were my own brother, I could do no better for you.--Zounds, the rogue has a quint-major, and three aces younger hand.--[_Looks on the other cards_.] Stay; what am I for the point? But bare forty, and he fifty-one: Fifteen, and five for the point, twenty, and three by aces, twenty-three; well, I am to play first: one, twenty-three; two, twenty-three; three, twenty-three; four, twenty-three;--Pox on't, now I must play into his hand: five:--now you take it, Jack;--five, twenty-four, twenty-five, twenty-six, twenty-seven, twenty-eight, twenty-nine, thirty, and the cards forty.

_Lov_. Hitherto it goes well on my side.--

_Trice_. Now I deal: How many do you take, Jack? All. Then I am gone: What a rise is here! Fourteen by aces, and a sixieme-major; I am gone, without looking into my cards.--[_Takes up an ace and bites it_.] Ay, I thought so: If ever man play'd with such cursed fortune, I'll be hanged, and all for want of this damned ace--there's your ten pieces, with a pox to you, for a rooking beggarly rascal as you are.

LOVEBY _enters_.

_Lov_. What occasion have I given you for these words, sir? Rook and rascal! I am no more rascal than yourself, sir.

_Trice_. How's this! how's this!

_Lov_. And though for this time I put up, because I am a winner-- [_Snatches the gold_.

_Trice_. What a devil do'st thou put up? Not my gold, I hope, Jack?

_Lov_. By your favour, but I do; and 'twas won fairly: a sixieme, and fourteen by aces, by your own confession,--What a pox, we don't make childrens' play, I hope?

_Trice_. Well, remember this, Jack; from this hour I forswear playing with you when I am alone; what, will you bate me nothing on't?

_Lov_. Not a farthing, Justice; I'll be judged by you; if I had lost, you would have taken every piece on't: What I win, I win--and there's an end.

_Enter Servant_.

_Serv_. Sir, these people stay without, and will not be answered.

_Trice_. Well, what's their business?

_Serv_. Nay, no great matter; only a fellow for getting a wench with child.

_Trice_. No great matter, say'st thou? 'Faith, but it is. Is he a poor fellow, or a gentleman?

_Serv_. A very poor fellow, sir.

_Trice_. Hang him, rogue; make his mittimus immediately; must such as he presume to get children?

_Lov_. Well considered: A poor lousy rascal, to intrench upon the game of gentlemen! He might have passed his time at nine-pins, or shovel-board; that had been fit sport for such as he: Justice, have no mercy on him.

_Trice_. No, by the sword of justice will I not.

_Lov_. Swear'st thou, ungracious boy[A]? That's too much, on the other hand, for a gentleman. I swear not, I drink not, I curse not, I cheat not; they are unnecessary vices: I save so much out of those sins, and take it out in that one necessary vice of wenching.

[Footnote A: Henry IV. Part 1. Act ii. Scene 4.]

_Enter_ LOVEBY'S _Boy_.

_Boy_. Sir, the parties are without, according to your order.

_Lov_. 'Tis well; bring 'em in, boy.

_Enter Lady Du_ LAKE, _and two or three Whores_.

Justice, I recommend this ancient gentlewoman, with these virtuous ladies, to thy patronage; for her part, she is a person of exemplary life and behaviour; of singular conduct to break through, and patience to bear the assaults of fortune: A general benefactress of mankind, and, in fine, a promoter of that great work of nature, love.

_Trice_. Or, as the vulgar translation hath it, a very sufficient and singular good bawd: Is't not so, boy?

_Lov_. Ay, boy: Now for such a pettifogging fellow as thy clerk to persecute this lady; pr'ythee think on't: Tis a grievance of the free-born subject.

_L. Du Lake_. To see the ingratitude of this generation! That I, that have spent my youth; set at nought my fortune; and, what is more dear to me, my honour, in the service of gentlemen; should now, in my old age, be left to want and beggary, as if I were the vilest and most unworthy creature upon God's earth! [_Crying_.

_Lov_. Nay, good mother, do not take it so bitterly.

_L. Du Lake_. I confess, the unkindness of it troubles me.

_Lov_. Thou shalt not want, so long as I live.--Look, here's five pieces of cordial gold, to comfort thy heart with: I won it, e'en now, off Mr Justice; and I dare say he thinks it well bestowed.

_Trice_. My money's gone to very pious uses.

_L. Du Lake_. [_Laying her hand on_ LOVEBY'S _head_.] Son Loveby, I knew thy father well; and thy grandfather before him. Fathers they were both to me; and I could weep for joy to see how thou tak'st after them. [_Weeping again_.] I wish it lay in my power too to gratify this worthy Justice in my vocation.

_Trice_. 'Faith, I doubt I am past that noble sin.

_Lov_. Pr'ythee, good magistrate, drink to her, and wipe sorrow from her eyes.

_Trice_. Right reverend, my service to you in canary. [_She drinks after him, and stays at half a glass_.

_L. Du Lake_. 'Tis a great way to the bottom; but heaven is all-sufficient to give me strength for it. [_Drinks it up_.] Why, God's blessing on your heart, son Trice! I hope 'tis no offence to call you son? hem!--hem!--Son Loveby, I think my son Trice and I are much of the same years: let me see, son, if nature be utterly extinct in you: Are you ticklish, son Trice? [_Tickles him_.

_Trice_. Are you ticklish, Mother Du Lake?

[_Tickles her sides. She falls off her chair; he falls off his to her; they roll one over the other_.

_Lov_. I would have all London now show me such another sight of kindness in old age. [_They help each other up_.] Come, a dance, a dance; call for your clerk, Justice; he shall make one, in sign of amity. Strike up, fidlers!

[_They dance a round dance, and sing the tune_.

_Enter_ ISABELLA _and_ CONSTANCE.

_Isa_. Are you at that sport, i'faith? Have among you, blind harpers. [_She falls into the dance_.

[_At the dance's ending_, LOVEBY _sees_ CONSTANCE.

_Trice_. Is she come? A pox of all honest women at such a time!

_Lov_. If she knows who these are, by this light, I am undone.

_Const_. Oh, servant! I come to mind you of your promise. Come, produce my hundred pounds; the time's out I set you.

_Lov_. Not till dark night, upon my reputation! I have not yet spoke with the gentleman in the black pantaloons; you know he seldom walks abroad by day-light. Dear madam, let me wait on you to your coach; and, if I bring it not within this hour, discard me utterly.

_Const_. You must give me leave to salute the company. What are they?

_Lov_. Persons of quality of my acquaintance; but I'll make your excuse to 'em.

_Const_. Nay, if they are persons of quality, I shall be rude to part from 'em so abruptly.

_Lov_. Why so?--the devil owed me a shame; and now he has paid me. I must present 'em, whate'er come on't. [_Aside_.]--This, madam, is my Lady Du Lake--the Lady Springwell--the Lady Hoyden.

[_She and_ ISABELLA _salute them_.

_Isa_. What a whiff was there came from my Lady Hoyden; and what a garlic breath my Lady Springwell had!

_Trice_. Ha, ha, ha, ha!

_Lov_. Do not betray me, Justice; if you do--[_Aside_.

_Isa_. Oh, are you thereabouts, sir? then I smell a rat, i'faith; but I'll say nothing. [_Aside_.

_Const_. Ladies, I am an humble servant to you all; and account it my happiness to have met with so good company at my cousin Trice's.

_Trice_. Ha, ha, ha!

_L. Du Lake_. Are these two ladies of your acquaintance, son Loveby?

_Lov_. Son, quoth a'! a pox of our relation! [_Aside_.

_L. Du Lake_. I shall be glad to be better known to your ladyships.

_Const_. You too much honour your servants, madam.

_Isa_. How Loveby fidges up and down! In what pain he is! well, if these be not they, they call whores, I'll be hanged, though I never saw one before. [_Aside_.

_Lov_. Will your ladyship please to go, madam?

_Const_. I must beg the favour of these ladies first, that I may know their lodgings, and wait on them.

_L. Du. Lake_. It will be our duty to pay our respects first to your ladyship.

_Const_. I beg your ladyship's pardon, madam--

_L. Du Lake_. Your ladyship shall excuse us, madam--

_Isa_. Trice. Ha, ha, ha!

_Low_. Ah, devil grin you! [_Aside_.

_Trice_. I must go out, and laugh my belly-full.

[_Exit_ TRICE.

_Const_. But in earnest, madam, I must have no denial; I beseech your ladyship instruct me, where I may tender my devoirs.

_L. Du Lake_. Since your ladyship commands me, madam, I dare disobey no longer. My lodgings are in St Lucknor's Lane, at the Cat and Fiddle.

_Const_. Whereabouts is that lane, servant?

_Lov_. Faith, madam, I know not that part o'the town.--Lord, how I sweat for fear! [_Aside_.

_Const_. And yours, madam, where, I beseech your ladyship?

_2 Whore_. In Dog and Bitch yard, an't please your ladyship.

_3 Whore_. And mine in Sodom, so like your ladyship.

_Const_. How, Loveby! I did not think you would have used me thus?

_Lov_. I beseech your ladyship, but hear my justification as I lead you.

_Const_. By no means, sir; that were such a rudeness to leave persons of quality, to wait upon me: Unhand me, sir.

_Isa_. Ha, ha, ha!--[_Exeunt_ CONST. ISA.

_Lov_. I am ruined! for ever ruined. Plague, had you no places in the town to name, but Sodom, and Lucknor's Lane, for lodgings!

_L. Du Lake_. If any prejudice arise from it, upon my honour, son, 'twas by mistake, and not intended you: I thought she desired to have been admitted of the quality.

_Lov_. I was curst, when I had first to do with you.

[_Kicks them_.

_L. Du Lake_. Well, I thank heaven, that has indued me with such patience.

[_Exeunt all but_ LOVEBY _and his Boy_.

_Lov_. I have made a fair hand on't to-day;--both lost my mistress, and hear no news from my friend below: The world frowns upon me, and the devil and my mistress have forsaken me: My godfathers and godmothers have promised well for me: Instead of renouncing them, they have renounced me.

_Boy_. Sir, I saw my Lady Constance smile as she went out: I am confident she's angry but from the teeth outwards: you might easily make fair weather with her, if you could get the money you promised her, but there's the devil--

_Lov_. Where is he, boy? shew me him quickly.

_Boy_. Marry, God bless us! I mean, sir, there's the difficulty.

_Lov_. Damned rogue, to put me in hope so--

_Enter_ BIBBER _at the other end_.

_Lov_. Uds so, look where Bibber is: Now I think on't, he offered me a bag of forty pounds, and the lease of his house yesterday: But that's his pocky humour; when I have money, and do not ask him, he will offer it; but when I ask him, he will not lend a farthing.--Turn this way, sirrah, and make as though we did not see him.

_Bib_. Our gentleman, I think, a-talking with his boy there.

_Lov_. You understand me?--

_Boy_. I warrant you, sir.

_Lov_. No news yet; what an unlucky rascal 'tis! if the rogue should hereafter be reduced to the raiment of his own shreds, I should not pity him.

_Bib_. How's this!

_Lov_. Now is this rascal hunting after jests, to make himself the greatest to all that know him.

_Bib_. This must be me.

_Boy_. I can hear neither tale nor tidings of him: I have searched him in all his haunts; amongst his creditors; and in all companies where they are like to break the least jest. I have visited the coffee-houses for him; but among all the news there, I heard none of him.

_Bib_. Good, i' faith.

_Lov_. Where's the warrant? I'll put in my own name, since I cannot find him.

_Boy_. Sir, I gave it a scrivener at next door, because I could not write, to fill up the blank place with Mr Bibber's name.

_Lov_. What an unlucky vermin 'tis! now, for an hundred pound, could I have gratified him with a waiter's place at the custom-house, that had been worth to him an hundred pound a-year upon the nail.

_Bib_. Could you so, could you so, sir? give me your hand, and I thank you heartily, Mr Loveby.

_Lov_. Art thou honest Will? faith, 'tis not worth thy thanks, till it be done: I wish I had the money for thee.

_Bib_. How much is't, sir?

_Lov_. An hundred pounds would do it.

_Bib_. Let me see: forty, I have already by me; take that in part, sir;--and that, and the lease of my house, would over-do it.

_Lov_. By all means thy lease, Will: ne'er scruple at that; hang a piece of parchment, and two bits of soft wax! thou shalt do't, thou shalt, boy.

_Bib_. Why, then I will, sir:--But stay, stay: now I think on't, Frances has one hundred and twenty pieces of old grandam-and-aunt gold left her, that she would never let me touch: if we could get that, Mr Loveby! but she'll never part with it.

_Lov_. Tis but saying the place is for her; a waiting woman's place in the custom-house: Boy, go, and tell her on't immediately. [_Exit Boy_

_Bib_. Hold a little; she has been very desirous to get a place in court, that she might take place as the queen's servant.

_Lov_. She shall have a dresser's place, if thou'lt keep counsel. The worst on't is, I have never a warrant ready.

_Bib_. 'Tis all one for that, sir; she can neither write nor read; 'tis but my telling her 'tis a warrant, and all's well. I can't but laugh to think how she'll be choused.

_Lov_. And you too: [_Aside_.] Mum, she's here, Will.

_Enter_ FRANCES.

_Franc_. A waiting-woman's place in the custom-house! there's news for me! thank you, kind Mr Loveby; you have been instrumental, I hear, of my preferment.

_Lov_. No, 'tis a dresser's place at court, landlady.

_Franc_. O gemini! that's better news.

_Bib_. Aye, but you must make haste and fetch an hundred pieces: I can assure you five hundred are bidden for it: And the courtiers are such slippery youths, they are ever for the fairest chapman.

_Franc_. I'll fetch it presently;--oh how my heart quops now, as they say: I'll fetch it presently: Sweet Mr Loveby, if the business can be done, it shall be a good thing in your worship's way, I promise you: O the father! that it could be done: O sweet father! [Loveby _plucks out a paper_.

_Lov_. Here, Mr Bibber, pray put in Madam Bibber's name into the warrant.

_Bib_. Madam Bibber! there's joy!--I must call you wife no more, 'tis Madam Bibber now.

_Franc_. Pray read it, Mr Bibber.

_Bib_. An order for the admission of the illustrious lady, Madam Bibber, into her majesty's service.

_Franc_. Pray give me the paper, I'll have nobody touch it but myself; I am sure my money pays for it, as they say. These are the finest words; Madam Bibber! pray, chicken, shew me where Madam is written, that I may kiss it all over. I shall make bold now to bear up to those flirting gentlewomen, that sweep it up and down with their long tails. I thought myself as good as they, when I was as I was; but now I am as I am.

_Lov_. Good landlady, dispatch, and bring the money--

_Franc_. Truly, in the place of a dresser, I dare be bold to say, as they say, I shall give their majesties worships good content: I'll go fetch it.

[_Exit_ FRANCES.

_Bib_. We must keep the poor soul in ignorance as long as we can, sir; for when she has once smoked it, I have no other way but to retreat into the body of my janizaries, my journey-men; and never come out into her presence more. Where will you be at nine o'clock, sir, that we may rejoice over our good fortune?

_Lov_. Call me at my Lord Nonsuch's house, and I'll go with you.

_Bib_. We'll have the fiddles, and triumph, i'faith.

[_Exit_ BIBBER.

_Lov_. Lord, how eager this vermin was to cheat himself! Well, I'll after; I long to finger these Jacobus's: Perhaps they may make my peace again with my mistress.

[_Exit _LOVEBY.