Chapter 2

_Enter LOVEBY and BOY; followed by FRANCES, BIBBER'S wife_.

_Lov_. Nay, the devil take thee, sweet landlady, hold thy tongue: Was't not enough thou hast scolded me from my lodging, which, as long as I rent it, is my castle; but to follow me here to Mr Trice's, where I am invited; and to discredit me before strangers, for a lousy, paltry sum of money?

_Fran_. I tell you truly, Mr Loveby, my husband and I cannot live by love, as they say; we must have wherewithal, as they say; and pay for what we take; or some shall smoke fort.

_Lov_. Smoke! why a piece of hung beef in Holland is not more smoked, than thou hast smoked me already. Thou knowest I am now fasting; let me have but fair play; when I have lined my sides with a good dinner, I'll engage upon reputation to come home again, and thou shall scold at me all the afternoon.

_Fran_. I'll take the law on you.

_Lov_. The law allows none to scold in their own causes: What dost thou think the lawyers take our money for?

_Fran_. I hope you intend to deal by my husband like a gentleman, as they say?

_Lov_. Then I should beat him most unmercifully, and not pay him neither.

_Fran_. Come, you think to fobb me off with your jests, as you do my husband; but it won't be: yonder he comes, and company with him. Husband, husband! why, William, I say!

_Enter BIBBER, BURR, and FAILER, at the other end_.

_Lov_. Speak softly, and I will satisfy thee.

_Fran_. You shall not satisfy me, sir; pay me for what you owe me, for chamber-rent and diet, and many a good thing besides, that shall be nameless.

_Lov_. What a stygian woman's this, to talk thus? Hold thy tongue 'till they be gone, or I'll cuckold thy husband.

_Fran_. You cuckold him--would you durst cuckold him! I will not hold my tongue, sir.

_Bib_. Yonder's my guest; what say you, gentlemen? Shall I call him to go down with us?

_Lov_. I must make a loose from her, there's no other way. Save ye, Mr Failer; is your cousin Trice stirring yet? Answer me quickly, sir, is your cousin Trice yet stirring?

_Fail_. I'll go and see, sir. Sure the man has a mind to beat me; but I vow to gad I have no mind to be beaten by him. Come away, Burr. Will, you follow us.

_Bib_. I'll be with you immediately.

[_Exeunt BURR and FAILER_.

_Lov_. Who was that with Failer, Will?

_Bib_. A man at arms, that's come from Holland.

_Lov_. A man out at arms thou mean'st, Will.

_Bib_. Good, i'faith.

_Fran_. Aye, aye; you run questing up and down after your gambols, and your jests, William; and never mind the main chance, as they say: Pray get in your debts, and think upon your wife and children.

_Lov_. Think upon the sack at Carey-house, with the Abricot flavour, Will. Hang a wife; what is she, but a lawful kind of manslayer? Every little hug in bed is a degree of murdering thee: and for thy children, fear 'em not: thy part of 'em shall be taylors, and they shall trust; and those, thy customers get for thee, shall be gentlemen, and they shall be trusted by their brethren; and so thy children shall live by one another.

_Bib_. Did you mark that, Frances? There was wit now; he call'd me cuckold to my face, and yet for my heart I cannot be angry with him. I perceive you love Frances, sir; and I love her the better for your sake; speak truly, do you not like such a pretty brown kind of woman?

_Lov_. I do i'faith, Will; your fair women have no substance in 'em, they shrink in the wetting.

_Fran_. Well, you may be undone if you will, husband: I hear there are two or three actions already out against him: You may be the last, if you think good.

_Bib_. Tis true she tells me; I love your wit well, sir; but I must cut my coat according to my cloth.

_Fran_. Sir, we'll come by our own as we can; if you put us oft' from week to week thus.

_Lov_. Nay, but good landlady--

_Fran_. Will good landlady set on the pot, as they say; or make the jack go? then I'll hear you.

_Bib_. Now she's too much on t'other hand; hold your prating, Frances; or I'll put you out of your Pater Nosters, with a sorrow to you.

_Fran_. I did but lay the law open to him, as they say, whereby to get our money in: But if you knew how he had used me, husband!

_Bib_. Has he used you, Frances? put so much more into his bill for lodging.

_Lov_. Honest Will, and so he died[A]; I thank thee, little Bibber, being sober, and, when I am drunk, I will kiss thee for't.

[Footnote A: This expression seems proverbial.]

_Bib_. Thank me, and pay me my money, sir; though I could not forbear my jest, I do not intend to lose by you; if you pay me not the sooner, I must provide you another lodging; say I give you warning.

_Lov_. Against next quarter, landlord?

_Bib_. Of an hour, sir.

_Lov_. That's short warning, Will.

_Bib_. By this hand you shall up into the garret, where the little bed is; I'll let my best room to a better pay-master: you know the garret, sir?

_Franc_. Aye, he knows it, by a good token, husband.

_Lov_. I sweat to think of that garret, Will; thou art not so unconscionable to put me there? Why, 'tis a kind of little ease[B], to cramp thy rebellious prentices in; I have seen an usurer's iron chest would hold two on't: A penny looking-glass cannot stand upright in the window, that and the brush tills it: the hat-case must be disposed under the bed, and the comb-case will hang down, from the ceiling to the floor. If I chance to dine in my chamber, I must stay till I am empty before I can get out: and if I chance to spill the chamber-pot, it will overflow it from top to bottom.

[Footnote B: A kind of dungeon, so called from its construction.]

_Bib_. Well, for the description of the garret, I'll bate you something of the bill.

_Lov_. All, all, good Will; or, to stay thy fury till my rents come up, I will describe thy little face.

_Bib_. No, rather describe your own little money; I am sure that's so little it is not visible.

_Lov_. You are in the right, I have not a cross at present, as I am a sinner; an you will not believe me, I'll turn my pockets inside outward--Ha! What's the meaning of this? my pockets heavy! has my small officer put in counters to abuse me?--How now! yellow boys, by this good light? sirrah, varlet, how came I by this gold? Ha!

_Boy_. What gold do you mean, sir? the devil a piece you had this morning. In these last three weeks, I have almost forgot what my teeth were made for; last night good Mrs Bibber here took pity on me, and crumm'd me a mess of gruel with the children, and I popt and popt my spoon three or four times to my mouth, before I could find the way to't.

_Lov_. 'Tis strange, how I should come by so much money! [_Aside_.] Has there been nobody about my chamber this morning, landlady?

_Boy_. O yes, sir; I forgot to tell you that: This morning a strange fellow, as ever eyes beheld, would needs come up to you, when you were asleep; but when he came down again, he said, he had not waked you.

_Lov_. Sure this fellow, whoe'er he was, was sent by Fortune to mistake me into so much money.--Well, this is not the first time my necessities have been strangely supplied: some Cadua or other has a kindness for me, that's certain: [_Aside_.]--Well, Mons. Bibber, from henceforward I'll keep my wit for more refined spirits; you shall be paid with dirt;--there's money for you.

_Bib_. Nay, good sir.

_Lov_. What's your sum? tell it out: will the money burn your fingers? Sirrah, boy, fetch my suit with the gold-lace at sleeves, from tribulation.

[_Gives him gold. Exit Boy_.] Mr Taylor, I shall turn the better bill-man[A], and knock that little coxcomb of yours, if you do not answer me what I owe you.

[Footnote A: Alluding to the ancient weapon called the bill; a never-failing source of puns in old plays.]

_Bib_. Pray, sir, trouble not yourself; 'tis nothing; i'feck now 'tis not.

_Lov_. How nothing, sir?

_Fran_. An't, please your worship, it was seventeen pounds and a noble yesterday at noon, your worship knows: And then your worship came home ill last night, and complained of your worship's head; and I sent for three dishes of tea for your good worship, and that was six pence more, and please your worship's honour.

_Lov_. Well; there's eighteen pieces, tell 'em.

_Bib_. I say, Frances, do not take 'em.

_Lov_, What, is all your pleading of necessity come to this?

_Bib_. Now I see he will pay, he shall not pay. Frances, go home, and fetch him the whole bag of forty pounds; I'll lend it him, and the lease of the house too; he shall want for nothing.

_Lov_. Take the money, or I'll leave your house.

_Bib_. Nay, rather than displease his worship, take it. [_She takes it_.

_Lov_. So, so; go home quietly and suckle my godson, Frances. [_Exit FRANCES_.

_Bib_. If you are for the cellar, sir, you know the way. [_Exit BIBBER_.

_Lov_. No, my first visit shall be to my mistress, the Lady Constance Nonsuch. She's discreet, and how the devil she comes to love me, I know not; yet I am pretty confident she loves me. Well, no woman can be wiser, than you-know-what will give her leave to be.

_Enter Lady CONSTANCE, and Madam ISABELLA_.

_Isa_. Look, look; is not that your servant Loveby?

_Lov_. Tis she; there's no being seen, 'till I am better habited. [_Exit_ LOVEBY.

_Const_. Let him go, and take no notice of him: Poor rogue! he little thinks I know his poverty.

_Isa_. And less, that you supply it by an unknown hand.

_Const_. Aye, and falsified my father's key to do it.

_Isa_. How can you answer this to your discretion?

_Const_. Who could see him want, she loves?

_Enter SETSTONE_.

_Isa_. O here's Mr Setstone come, your jeweller, madam.

_Const_. Welcome, Setstone; hast thou performed thy visit happily, and without discovery?

_Set_. As you would wish it, madam: I went up to his chamber without interruption; and there found him drowning his cares, and pacifying his hunger, with sleep; which advantage I took, and; undiscovered by him, left the gold divided in his pockets.

_Const_. Well, this money will furnish him, I hope, that we may have his company again.

_Set_. Two hundred and fifty good pounds, madam. Has your father missed it yet?

_Const_. No; if he had, we should have all heard on't before now: But, pray God Monsieur Loveby has no other haunts to divert him, now he's ransomed! What a kind of woman is his landlady?

_Set_. Well enough to serve a tailor; or to kiss when he comes home drunk, or wants money; but far unlikely to create jealousy in your ladyship.

_Enter Servant_.

_Serv_. Madam, Justice Trice desires your ladyship's excuse, that he has not yet performed the civilities of his hour to you; he is dispatching a little business, about which he is earnestly employed.

_Const_. He's master of his own occasions. [_Exit Servant_.

_Isa_. We shall see him anon, with his face as red as if it had been boiled in pump-water: But, when comes this mirror of knighthood, that is to be presented you for your servant?

_Const_. Oh, 'tis well thought on; 'faith thou know'st my affections are otherwise disposed; he's rich, and thou want'st a fortune; atchieve him, if thou can'st; 'tis but trying, and thou hast as much wit as any wench in England.

_Isa_. On condition you'll take it for a courtesy to be rid of an ass, I care not if I marry him: the old fool, your father, would be so importunate to match you with a young fool, that, partly for quietness sake, I am content to take him.

_Const_. To take him! then you make sure on't.

_Isa_. As sure, as if the sack posset were already eaten.

_Const_. But, what means wilt thou use to get him?

_Isa_. I'll bribe Failer; he's the man.

_Const_. Why, this knight is his inheritance; he lives upon him: Do'st thou think he'll ever admit thee to govern him? No, he fears thy wit too much: Besides, he has already received an hundred pounds, to make the match between Sir Timorous and me.

_Isa_. 'Tis all one for that; I warrant you, he sells me the fee-simple of him.

_Set_. Your father, madam--

_Enter_ NONSUCH.

_Isa_. The tempest is risen; I see it in his face; he puffs and blows yonder, as if two of the winds were fighting upwards and downwards in his belly.

_Set_. Will he not find your false keys, madam?

_Isa_. I hope he will have more humanity than to search us.

_Const_. You are come after us betimes, sir.

_Non_. Oh child! I am undone; I am robbed, I am robbed; I have utterly lost all stomach to my dinner.

_Const_. Robbed! good my lord, how, or of what?

_Non_. Two hundred and fifty pounds, in fair gold, out of my study: An hundred of it I was to have paid a courtier this afternoon for a bribe.

_Set_. I protest, my lord, I had as much ado to get that parcel of gold for your lordship--

_Non_. You must get me as much more against to-morrow; for then my friend at court is to pay his mercer.

_Isa_. Nay, if that be all, there's no such haste: the courtiers are not so forward to pay their debts.

_Const_. Has not the monkey been in the study? He may have carried it away, and dropt it under the garden-window: the grass is long enough to hide it.

_Non_. I'll go see immediately.

_Enter_ FAILER, BURR, TIMOROUS.

_Fail_. This is the gentleman, my lord.

_Non_. He's welcome.

_Fail_. And this the particular of his estate.

_Non_. That's welcome too.

_Fail_. But, besides the land here mentioned, he has wealth in specie.

_Non_. A very fine young gentleman.

_Tim_. Now, my lord, I hope there's no great need of wooing: I suppose my estate will speak for me; yet, if you please to put in a word--

_Non_. That will I instantly.

_Tim_. I hope I shall have your good word, too, madam, to your cousin for me. [_To_ ISABELLA.

_Isa_. Any thing within my power, Sir Timorous.

_Non_. Daughter, here's a person of quality, and one, that loves and honours you exceedingly--

_Tim_. Nay, good my lord! you discover all at first dash.

_Non_. Let me alone, sir; have not I the dominion over my own daughter? Constance, here's a knight in love with you, child.

_Const_. In love with me, my lord! it is not possible.

_Non_. Here he stands, that will make it good, child.

_Tim_. Who, I, my lord? I hope her ladyship has a better opinion of me than so.

_Non_. What! are not you in love with my daughter? I'll be sworn you told me so but even now: I'll eat words for no man.

_Tim_. If your ladyship will believe all reports, that are raised on men of quality--

_Non_. He told it me with his own mouth, child: I'll eat words for no man; that's more than ever I told him yet.

_Fail_. You told him so but just now; fie, Sir Timorous.

_Non_. He shall have no daughter of mine, an he were a thousand knights; he told me, he hoped I would speak for him: I'll eat no man's words; that's more than ever I told him yet.

_Isa_. You need not keep such a pudder about eating his words; you see he has eaten 'em already for you.

_Non_. I'll make him stand to his words, and he shall not marry my daughter neither: By this good day, I will. [_Exit_ NONSUCH.

_Const_. 'Tis an ill day to him; he has lost two hundred and fifty pounds in't. [_To_ ISABELLA.

_Burr_. He swears at the rate of two thousand pounds a year, if the Rump act were still in being.

_Fail_. He's in passion, man; and, besides, he has been a great fanatic formerly, and now has got a habit of swearing, that he may be thought a cavalier.

_Burr_. What noise is that? I think I hear your cousin Trice's voice.

_Fail_. I'll go see. [_Exit_ FAIL.

_Isa_. Come, Sir Timorous, be not discouraged: 'Tis but an old man's frowardness; he's always thus against rain.

_Enter_ FAILER.

_Fail_. O madam, follow me quickly; and if you do not see sport, melancholy be upon my head.

[_Exeunt_.