SCENE II.

_Enter Sir_ JOHN, _Mrs_ MILLISENT, _and_ ROSE.

_Sir John._ Now, fair Mrs Millisent, you see your chamber; your father will be busy a few minutes, and in the mean time permits me the happiness to wait on you.

_Mill._ Methinks you might have chose us better lodgings, this house is full; the other, we saw first, was more convenient.

_Sir John._ For you, perhaps, but not for me: You might have met a lover there, but I a rival.

_Mill._ What rival?

_Sir John._ You know Sir Martin, I need not name it to you.

_Mill._ I know more men besides him.

_Sir John._ But you love none besides him: Can you deny your affection to him?

_Mill._ You have vexed me so, I will not satisfy you.

_Sir John._ Then I perceive I am not likely to be so much obliged to you, as I was to him.

_Mill._ This is romance--I'll not believe a word on't.

_Sir John._ That's as you please: However 'tis believed, his wit will not much credit your choice. Madam, do justice to us both; pay his ingratitude and folly with your scorn; my service with your love. By this time your father stays for me: I shall be discreet enough to keep this fault of yours from him; the lawyers wait for us to draw your jointure; and I would beg your pardon for my absence, but that my crime is punished in itself. [_Exit._

_Mill._ Could I suspect this usage from a favoured servant!

_Rose._ First hear Sir Martin, ere you quite condemn him; consider, 'tis a rival who accused him.

_Mill._ Speak not a word in his behalf: Methought too, Sir John called him fool.

_Rose._ Indeed he has a rare way of acting a fool, and does it so naturally, it can be scarce distinguished.

_Mill._ Nay, he has wit enough, that's certain.

_Rose._ How blind love is!

_Enter_ WARNER.

_Mill._ How now, what's his business? I wonder, after such a crime, if his master has the face to send him to me.

_Rose._ How durst you venture hither? If either Sir John or my old master see you!--

_Warn._ Pish! they are both gone out.

_Rose._ They went but to the next street; ten to one but they return and catch you here.

_Warn._ Twenty to one I am gone before, and save them a labour.

_Mill._ What says that fellow to you? What business can he have here?

_Warn._ Lord, that your ladyship should ask that question, knowing whom I serve!

_Mill._ I'll hear nothing from your master.

_Warn._ Never breathe, but this anger becomes your ladyship most admirably; but though you'll hear nothing from him, I hope I may speak a word or two to you from myself, madam.

_Rose._ 'Twas a sweet prank your master played us: A lady's well helped up, that trusts her honour in such a person's hands: To tell also,----and to his rival too. Excuse him if thou canst. [_Aside._

_Warn._ How the devil should I excuse him? Thou know'st he is the greatest fop in nature. [_Aside to_ ROSE.

_Rose._ But my lady does not know it; if she did--

_Mill._ I'll have no whispering.

_Warn._ Alas, madam, I have not the confidence to speak out, unless you can take mercy on me.

_Mill._ For what?

_Warn._ For telling Sir John you loved my master, madam. But sure I little thought he was his rival.

_Rose._ The witty rogue has taken it on himself. [_Aside._

_Mill._ Your master then is innocent?

_Warn._ Why, could your ladyship suspect him guilty? Pray tell me, do you think him ungrateful, or a fool?

_Mill._ I think him neither.

_Warn._ Take it from me, you see not the depth of him. But when he knows what thoughts you harbour of him, as I am faithful, and must tell him, I wish he does not take some pet, and leave you.

_Mill._ Thou art not mad, I hope, to tell him on't; if thou dost, I'll be sworn, I'll forswear it to him.

_Warn._ Upon condition then you'll pardon me, I'll see what I can do to hold my tongue.

_Mill._ This evening, in St James's Park, I'll meet him. [_Knock within._

_Warn._ He shall not fail you, madam.

_Rose._ Somebody knocks--Oh, madam, what shall we do! 'Tis Sir John, I hear his voice.

_Warn._ What will become of me?

_Mill._ Step quickly behind that door. [WARNER _goes out_.

_To them Sir_ JOHN.

_Mill._ You've made a quick despatch, sir.

_Sir John._ We have done nothing, madam; our man of law was not within--but I must look for some writings.

_Mill._ Where are they laid?

_Sir John._ In the portmanteau in the drawing-room. [_Is going to the door._

_Mill._ Pray stay a little, sir.

_Warn._ [_At the door_.] He must pass just by me; and, if he sees me, I am but a dead man.

_Sir John._ Why are you thus concerned? why do you hold me?

_Mill._ Only a word or two I have to tell you. 'Tis of importance to you.

_Sir John._ Give me leave--

_Mill._ I must not, before I discover the plot to you.

_Sir John._ What plot?

_Mill._ Sir Martin's servant, like a rogue, comes hither to tempt me from his master, to have met him.

_Warn._ [_At the door_.] Now, would I had a good bag of gunpowder at my breech, to ram me into some hole!

_Mill._ For my part, I was so startled at the message, that I shall scarcely be myself these two days.

_Sir John._ Oh that I had the rascal! I would teach him to come upon such errands.

_Warn._ Oh for a gentle composition, now! An arm or leg I would give willingly.

_Sir John._ What answer did you make the villain?

_Mill._ I over-reached him clearly, by a promise of an appointment of a place I named, where I never meant to come: But would have had the pleasure, first, to tell you how I served him.

_Sir John._ And then to chide your mean suspicion of me; indeed I wondered you should love a fool. But where did you appoint to meet him?

_Mill._ In Grays-Inn walks.

_Warn._ By this light, she has put the change upon him! O sweet womankind, how I love thee for that heavenly gift of lying!

_Sir John._ For this evening I will be his mistress; he shall meet another Penelope than he suspects.

_Mill._ But stay not long away.

_Sir John._ You overjoy me, madam. [_Exit._

_Warn._ [_Entering_.] Is he gone, madam?

_Mill._ As far as Grays-Inn walks: Now I have time to walk the other way, and see thy master.

_Warn._ Rather let him come hither: I have laid a plot, shall send his rival far enough from watching him, ere long.

_Mill._ Art thou in earnest?

_Warn._ 'Tis so designed, fate cannot hinder it. Our landlord, where we lie, vexed that his lodgings should be so left by Sir John, is resolved to be revenged, and I have found the way. You'll see the effects on't presently.

_Rose._ O heavens! the door opens again, and Sir John is returned once more.

_Enter Sir_ JOHN.

_Sir John._ Half my business was forgot; you did not tell me when you were to meet him. Ho! what makes this rascal here?

_Warn._ 'Tis well you're come, sir, else I must have left untold a message I have for you.

_Sir John._ Well, what's your business, sirrah?

_Warn._ We must be private first; 'tis only for your ear.

_Rose._ I shall admire his wit, if in this plunge he can get off.

_Warn._ I came hither, sir, by my master's order,----

_Sir John._ I'll reward you for it, sirrah, immediately.

_Warn._ When you know all, I shall deserve it, sir: I came to sound the virtue of your mistress: which I have done so cunningly, I have at last obtained the promise of a meeting. But my good master, whom I must confess more generous than wise, knowing you had a passion for her, is resolved to quit: And, sir, that you may see how much he loves you, sent me in private to advise you still to have an eye upon her actions.

_Sir John._ Take this diamond for thy good news; and give thy master my acknowledgments.

_Warn._ Thus the world goes, my masters! he, that will cozen you, commonly gets your goodwill into the bargain. [_Aside._

_Sir John._ Madam, I am now satisfied of all sides; first of your truth, then of Sir Martin's friendship. In short, I find you two cheated each other, both to be true to me.

_Mill._ Warner is got off as I would wish, and the knight over-reached. [_Aside._

_Enter to them the Landlord, disguised like a carrier._

_Rose._ How now! what would this carrier have?

_Warn._ This is our landlord, whom I told you of; but keep your countenance. [_Aside to her._

_Land._ I was looking hereaway for one Sir John Swallow; they told me, I might hear news of him in this house.

_Sir John._ Friend, I am the man; what have you to say to me?

_Land._ Nay, faith, sir, I am not so good a schollard to say much, but I have a letter for you in my pouch, there's plaguy news in it, I can tell you that.

_Sir John._ From whom is your letter?

_Land._ From your old uncle Anthony.

_Sir John._ Give me your letter quickly.

_Land._ Nay, soft and fair goes far.--Hold you, hold you. It is not in this pocket.

_Sir John._ Search in the other, then; I stand on thorns.

_Land._ I think I feel it now, this should be who.

_Sir John._ Pluck it out then.

_Land._ I'll pluck out my spectacles, and see first. [_Reads_.] To Mr Paul Grimbard--apprentice to----No, that's not for you, sir--that's for the son of the brother of the nephew of the cousin of my gossip Dobson.

_Sir John._ Pr'ythee despatch; dost thou not know the contents on't?

_Land._ Yes, as well as I do my _pater noster_.

_Sir John._ Well, what's the business on't?

_Land._ Nay, no great business; 'tis but only that your worship's father's dead.

_Sir John._ My loss is beyond expression! How died he?

_Land._ He went to bed as well to see to as any man in England; and when he awakened the next morning--

_Sir John._ What then?

_Land._ He found himself stark dead.

_Sir John._ Well, I must of necessity take orders for my father's funeral, and my estate; heaven knows with what regret I leave you, madam.

_Mill._ But are you in such haste, sir? I see you take all occasions to be from me.

_Sir John._ Dear madam, say not so: a few days will, I hope, return me to you.

_To them Sir_ MARTIN.

Noble Sir Martin, the welcomest man alive! let me embrace my friend.

_Rose._ How untowardly he returns the salute! Warner will be found out. [_Aside._

_Sir John._ Well, friend! you have obliged me to you eternally.

_Sir Mart._ How have I obliged you, sir? I would have you to know I scorn your words; and I would I were hanged if it be not the farthest of my thoughts.

_Mill._ O cunning youth, he acts the fool most naturally. Were we alone, how would we laugh together! [_Aside._

_Sir John._ This is a double generosity, to do me favours, and conceal 'em from me; but honest Warner here has told me all.

_Sir Mart._ What has the rascal told you?

_Sir John._ Your plot to try my mistress for me--you understand me, concerning your appointment.

_Warn._ Sir, I desire to speak in private with you.

_Sir Mart._ This impertinent rascal! when I am most busy, I am ever troubled with him.

_Warn._ But it concerns you I should speak with you, good sir.

_Sir Mart._ That's a good one, i'faith; thou knowest breeding well, that I should whisper with a serving-man before company.

_Warn._ Remember, sir, last time it had been better----

_Sir Mart._ Peace, or I'll make you feel my double fists; If I don't fright him, the saucy rogue will call me fool before the company.

_Mill._ That was acted most naturally again. [_Aside._

_Sir John._ [_To him_.] But what needs this dissembling, since you are resolved to quit my mistress to me?

_Sir Mart._ I quit my mistress! that's a good one, i'faith.

_Mill._ Tell him you have forsaken me. [_Aside._

_Sir Mart._ I understand you, madam, you would save a quarrel; but, i'faith, I'm not so base: I'll see him hanged first.

_Warn._ Madam, my master is convinced, in prudence he should say so: But love o'ermasters him; when you are gone perhaps he may.

_Mill._ I'll go then: Gentlemen, your servant; I see my presence brings constraint to the company. [_Exeunt_ MILL. _and_ ROSE.

_Sir John._ I'm glad she's gone; now we may talk more freely; for if you have not quitted her, you must.

_Warn._ Pray, sir, remember yourself: did not you send me of a message to Sir John, that for his friendship you had left mistress Millisent?

_Sir Mart._ Why, what an impudent lying rogue art thou!

_Sir John._ How's this! Has Warner cheated me?

_Warn._ Do not suspect it in the least: You know, sir, it was not generous, before a lady, to say he quitted her.

_Sir John_ O! was that it?

_Warn._ That was all: Say yes, good Sir John--or I'll swinge you. [_Aside._

_Sir Mart._ Yes, good Sir John.

_Warn._ That's well; once in his life he has heard good counsel.

_Sir Mart._ Heigh, heigh, what makes my landlord here? He has put on a fool's coat, I think, to make us laugh.

_Warn._ The devil's in him, he's at it again; his folly's like a sore in a surfeited horse; cure it in one place, and it breaks out in another.

_Sir Mart._ Honest landlord, i'faith, and what makes you here?

_Sir John._ Are you acquainted with this honest man?

_Land._ Take heed what you say, sir. [_To Sir_ MART. _softly_.

_Sir Mart._ Take heed what you say, sir! Why? who should I be afraid of? of you, sir? I say, sir, I know him, sir; and I have reason to know him, sir; for I am sure I lodge in his house, sir--nay, never think to terrify me, sir; 'tis my landlord here in Charles-street, sir.

_Land._ Now I expect to be paid for the news I brought him.

_Sir John._ Sirrah, did not you tell me that my father--

_Land._ Is in very good health, for aught I know, sir; I beseech you to trouble yourself no farther concerning him.

_Sir John._ Who set you on to tell this lie?

_Sir Mart._ Ay, who set you on, sirrah? This was a rogue that would cozen us both; he thought I did not know him: Down on your marrowbones, and confess the truth: Have you no tongue, you rascal?

_Sir John._ Sure 'tis some silenced minister: He grows so fat he cannot speak.

_Land._ Why, sir, if you would know, 'twas for your sake I did it.

_Warn._ For my master's sake! why, you impudent varlet, do you think to 'scape us with a lye?

_Sir John._ How was it for his sake?

_Warn._ 'Twas for his own, sir; he heard you were the occasion the lady lodged not at his house, and so he invented this lie; partly to revenge himself of you; and partly, I believe, in hope to get her once again when you were gone.

_Sir John._ Fetch me a cudgel, pr'ythee.

_Land._ O good sir! if you beat me, I shall run into oil immediately.

_Warn._ Hang him, rogue; he's below your anger: I'll maul him for you--the rogue's so big, I think 'twill ask two days to beat him all over. [_Beats him._

_Land._ O rogue! O villain, Warner! bid him hold, and I'll confess, sir.

_Warn._ Get you gone without replying: must such as you be prating? [_Beats him out._

_Enter_ ROSE.

_Rose._ Sir, dinner waits you on the table.

_Sir John._ Friend, will you go along, and take part of a bad repast?

_Sir Mart._ Thank you; but I am just risen from table.

_Warn._ Now he might sit with his mistress, and has not the wit to find it out.

_Sir John._ You shall be very welcome.

_Sir Mart._ I have no stomach, sir.

_Warn._ Get you in with a vengeance: You have a better stomach than you think you have. [_Pushes him._

_Sir Mart._ This hungry Diego rogue would shame me; he thinks a gentleman can eat like a serving-man.

_Sir John._ If you will not, adieu, dear sir; in any thing command me. [_Exit._

_Sir Mart._ Now we are alone: han't I carried matters bravely, sirrah?

_Warn._ O yes, yes, you deserve sugar-plums; first for your quarrelling with Sir John; then for discovering your landlord; and, lastly, for refusing to dine with your mistress. All this is since the last reckoning was wiped out.

_Sir Mart._ Then why did my landlord disguise himself, to make a fool of us?

_Warn._ You have so little brains, that a penny-worth of butter, melted under 'em, would set 'em afloat: He put on that disguise, to rid you of your rival.

_Sir Mart._ Why was not I worthy to keep your counsel then?

_Warn._ It had been much at one: You would but have drunk the secret down, and pissed it out to the next company.

_Sir Mart._ Well, I find I am a miserable man: I have lost my mistress, and may thank myself for it.

_Warn._ You'll not confess you are a fool, I warrant.

_Sir Mart._ Well, I am a fool, if that will satisfy you: But what am I the nearer, for being one?

_Warn._ O yes, much the nearer; for now fortune's bound to provide for you; as hospitals are built for lame people, because they cannot help themselves. Well; I have a project in my pate.

_Sir Mart._ Dear rogue, what is't?

_Warn._ Excuse me for that: But while 'tis set a working, you would do well to screw yourself into her father's good opinion.

_Sir Mart._ If you will not tell me, my mind gives me, I shall discover it again.

_Warn._ I'll lay it as far out of your reach as I can possibly. ----For secrets are edged tools, And must be kept from children and from fools. [_Exeunt._