SCENE I.--_Before Gomez's Door.

_Enter_ LORENZO, DOMINICK, _and two Soldiers at a distance._

_Dom._ I'll not wag an ace farther: the whole world shall not bribe me to it; for my conscience will digest these gross enormities no longer.

_Lor._ How, thy conscience not digest them! There is ne'er a friar in Spain can shew a conscience, that comes near it for digestion. It digested pimping, when I sent thee with my letter; and it digested perjury, when thou swor'st thou didst not know me: I am sure it has digested me fifty pounds, of as hard gold as is in all Barbary. Pr'ythee, why shouldest thou discourage fornication, when thou knowest thou lovest a sweet young girl?

_Dom._ Away, away; I do not love them;--pah; no,--[_spits._] I do not love a pretty girl--you are so waggish!-- [_Spits again._

_Lor._ Why thy mouth waters at the very mention of them.

_Dom._ You take a mighty pleasure in defamation, colonel; but I wonder what you find in running restless up and down, breaking your brains, emptying your purse, and wearing out your body, with hunting after unlawful game.

_Lor._ Why there's the satisfaction on't.

_Dom._ This incontinency may proceed to adultery, and adultery to murder, and murder to hanging; and there's the satisfaction on't.

_Lor._ I'll not hang alone, friar; I'm resolved to peach thee before thy superiors, for what thou hast done already.

_Dom._ I'm resolved to forswear it, if you do. Let me advise you better, colonel, than to accuse a church-man to a church-man; in the common cause we are all of a piece; we hang together.

_Lor._ If you don't, it were no matter if you did. [_Aside._

_Dom._ Nay, if you talk of peaching, I'll peach first, and see whose oath will be believed; I'll trounce you for offering to corrupt my honesty, and bribe my conscience: you shall be summoned by an host of parators; you shall be sentenced in the spiritual court; you shall be excommunicated; you shall be outlawed;--and-- [_Here_ LORENZO _takes a purse, and plays with it, and at last lets the purse fall chinking on the ground, which the Friar eyes._ [_In another tone._] I say, a man might do this now, if he were maliciously disposed, and had a mind to bring matters to extremity: but, considering that you are my friend, a person of honour, and a worthy good charitable man, I would rather die a thousand deaths than disoblige you. [LORENZO _takes up the purse, and pours it into the Friar's sleeve._ Nay, good sir;--nay, dear colonel;--O lord, sir, what are you doing now! I profess this must not be: without this I would have served you to the utter-most; pray command me.--A jealous, foul-mouthed rogue this Gomez is; I saw how he used you, and you marked how he used me too. O he's a bitter man; but we'll join our forces; ah, shall we, colonel? we'll be revenged on him with a witness.

_Lor._ But how shall I send her word to be ready at the door? for I must reveal it in confession to you, that I mean to carry her away this evening, by the help of these two soldiers. I know Gomez suspects you, and you will hardly gain admittance.

_Dom._ Let me alone; I fear him not. I am armed with the authority of my clothing: yonder I see him keeping sentry at his door:--have you never seen a citizen, in a cold morning, clapping his sides, and walking forward and backward, a mighty pace before his shop? but I'll gain the pass, in spite of his suspicion; stand you aside, and do but mark how I accost him.

_Lor._ If he meet with a repulse, we must throw off the fox's skin, and put on the lion's.--Come, gentlemen, you'll stand by me?

_Sol._ Do not doubt us, colonel. [_They retire all three to a corner of the stage;_ DOMINICK _goes to the door where_ GOMEZ _stands._

_Dom._ Good even, Gomez; how does your wife?

_Gom._ Just as you'd have her; thinking on nothing but her dear colonel, and conspiring cuckoldom against me.

_Dom._ I dare say, you wrong her; she is employing her thoughts how to cure you of your jealousy.

_Gom._ Yes, by certainty.

_Dom._ By your leave, Gomez; I have some spiritual advice to impart to her on that subject.

_Gom._ You may spare your instructions, if you please, father; she has no farther need of them.

_Dom._ How, no need of them! do you speak in riddles?

_Gom._ Since you will have me speak plainer,--she has profited so well already by your counsel, that she can say her lesson without your teaching: Do you understand me now?

_Dom._ I must not neglect my duty, for all that; once again, Gomez, by your leave.

_Gom._ She's a little indisposed at present, and it will not be convenient to disturb her. [DOMINICK _offers to go by him, but t'other stands before him._

_Dom._ Indisposed, say you? O, it is upon those occasions that a confessor is most necessary; I think, it was my good angel that sent me hither so opportunely.

_Gom._ Ay, whose good angels sent you hither, that you best know, father.

_Dom._ A word or two of devotion will do her no harm, I'm sure.

_Gom._ A little sleep will do her more good, I'm sure: You know, she disburthened her conscience but this morning to you.

_Dom._ But, if she be ill this afternoon, she may have new occasion to confess.

_Gom._ Indeed, as you order matters with the colonel, she may have occasion of confessing herself every hour.

_Dom._ Pray, how long has she been sick?

_Gom._ Lord, you will force a man to speak;--why, ever since your last defeat.

_Dom._ This can be but some slight indisposition; it will not last, and I may see her.

_Gom._ How, not last! I say, it will last, and it shall last; she shall be sick these seven or eight days, and perhaps longer, as I see occasion. What? I know the mind of her sickness a little better than you do.

_Dom._ I find, then, I must bring a doctor.

_Gom._ And he'll bring an apothecary, with a chargeable long bill of _ana's_: those of my family have the grace to die cheaper. In a word, Sir Dominick, we understand one another's business here: I am resolved to stand like the Swiss of my own family, to defend the entrance; you may mumble over your _pater nosters_, if you please, and try if you can make my doors fly open, and batter down my walls with bell, book, and candle; but I am not of opinion, that you are holy enough to commit miracles.

_Dom._ Men of my order are not to be treated after this manner.

_Gom._ I would treat the pope and all his cardinals in the same manner, if they offered to see my wife, without my leave.

_Dom._ I excommunicate thee from the church, if thou dost not open; there's promulgation coming out.

_Gom._ And I excommunicate you from my wife, if you go to that: there's promulgation for promulgation, and bull for bull; and so I leave you to recreate yourself with the end of an old song-- _And sorrow came to the old friar._ [_Exit._

LORENZO _comes to him._

_Lor._ I will not ask you your success; for I overheard part of it, and saw the conclusion. I find we are now put upon our last trump; the fox is earthed, but I shall send my two terriers in after him.

_Sold._ I warrant you, colonel, we'll unkennel him.

_Lor._ And make what haste you can, to bring out the lady.--What say you, father? Burglary is but a venial sin among soldiers.

_Dom._ I shall absolve them, because he is an enemy of the church.--There is a proverb, I confess, which says, that dead men tell no tales; but let your soldiers apply it at their own perils.

_Lor._ What, take away a man's wife, and kill him too! The wickedness of this old villain startles me, and gives me a twinge for my own sin, though it comes far short of his.--Hark you, soldiers, be sure you use as little violence to him as is possible.

_Dom._ Hold a little; I have thought better how to secure him, with less danger to us.

_Lor._ O miracle, the friar is grown conscientious!

_Dom._ The old king, you know, is just murdered, and the persons that did it are unknown; let the soldiers seize him for one of the assassinates, and let me alone to accuse him afterwards.

_Lor._ I cry thee mercy with all my heart, for suspecting a friar of the least good nature; what, would you accuse him wrongfully?

_Dom._ I must confess, 'tis wrongful, _quoad hoc_, as to the fact itself; but 'tis rightful, _quoad hunc_, as to this heretical rogue, whom we must dispatch. He has railed against the church, which is a fouler crime than the murder of a thousand kings. _Omne majus continet in se minus:_ He, that is an enemy to the church, is an enemy unto heaven; and he, that is an enemy to heaven, would have killed the king if he had been in the circumstances of doing it; so it is not wrongful to accuse him.

_Lor._ I never knew a churchman, if he were personally offended, but he would bring in heaven by hook or crook into his quarrel.--Soldiers, do as you were first ordered. [_Exeunt Soldiers._

_Dom._ What was't you ordered them? Are you sure it's safe, and not scandalous?

_Lor._ Somewhat near your own design, but not altogether so mischievous. The people are infinitely discontented, as they have reason; and mutinies there are, or will be, against the queen: now I am content to put him thus far into the plot, that he should be secured as a traitor; but he shall only be prisoner at the soldiers' quarters; and when I am out of reach, he shall be released.

_Dom._ And what will become of me then? for when he is free, he will infallibly accuse me.

_Lor._ Why then, father, you must have recourse to your infallible church-remedies; lie impudently, and swear devoutly, and, as you told me but now, let him try whose oath will be first believed. Retire, I hear them coming. [_They withdraw._

_Enter the Soldiers with_ GOMEZ _struggling on their backs._

_Gom._ Help, good Christians! help, neighbours! my house is broken open by force, and I am ravished, and like to be assassinated!--What do you mean, villains? will you carry me away, like a pedlar's pack, upon your backs? will you murder a man in plain day-light?

_1 Soldier._ No; but we'll secure you for a traitor, and for being in a plot against the state.

_Gom,_ Who, I in a plot! O Lord! O Lord! I never durst be in a plot: Why, how can you in conscience suspect a rich citizen of so much wit as to make a plotter? There are none but poor rogues, and those that can't live without it, that are in plots.

_2 Soldier._ Away with him, away with him.

_Gom._ O my gold! my wife! my wife! my gold! As I hope to be saved now, I know no more of the plot than they that made it. [_They carry him off, and exeunt._

_Lor._ Thus far we have sailed with a merry gale, and now we have the Cape of Good Hope in sight; the trade-wind is our own, if we can but double it. [_He looks out._ [_Aside._] Ah, my father and Pedro stand at the corner of the street with company; there's no stirring till they are past.

_Enter_ ELVIRA _with a casket._

_Elv._ Am I come at last into your arms?

_Lor._ Fear nothing; the adventure's ended, and the knight may carry off the lady safely.

_Elv._ I'm so overjoyed, I can scarce believe I am at liberty; but stand panting, like a bird that has often beaten her wings in vain against her cage, and at last dares hardly venture out, though she sees it open.

_Dom._ Lose no time, but make haste while the way is free for you; and thereupon I give you my benediction.

_Lor._ 'Tis not so free as you suppose; for there's an old gentleman of my acquaintance, that blocks up the passage at the corner of the street.

_Dom._ What have you gotten there under your arm, daughter? somewhat, I hope, that will bear your charges in your pilgrimage.

_Lor._ The friar has an hawk's eye to gold and jewels.

_Elv._ Here's that will make you dance without a fiddle, and provide better entertainment for us, than hedges in summer, and barns in winter. Here's the very heart, and soul, and life-blood of Gomez; pawns in abundance, old gold of widows, and new gold of prodigals, and pearls and diamonds of court ladies, till the next bribe helps their husbands to redeem them.

_Dom._ They are the spoils of the wicked, and the church endows you with them.

_Lor._ And, faith, we'll drink the church's health out of them. But all this while I stand on thorns. Pr'ythee, dear, look out, and see if the coast be free for our escape; for I dare not peep, for fear of being known. [ELVIRA _goes to look, and_ GOMEZ _comes running in upon her: She shrieks out._

_Gom._ Thanks to my stars, I have recovered my own territories.--What do I see? I'm ruined! I'm undone! I'm betrayed!

_Dom._ [_Aside._] What a hopeful enterprise is here spoiled!

_Gom._ O, colonel are you there?--and you, friar? nay, then I find how the world goes.

_Lor._ Cheer up, man, thou art out of jeopardy; I heard thee crying out just now, and came running in full speed, with the wings of an eagle, and the feet of a tiger, to thy rescue.

_Gom._ Ay, you are always at hand to do me a courtesy, with your eagle's feet, and your tiger's wings.--And what were you here for, friar?

_Dom._ To interpose my spiritual authority in your behalf.

_Gom._ And why did you shriek out, gentlewoman?

_Elv._ 'Twas for joy at your return.

_Gom._ And that casket under your arm, for what end and purpose?

_Elv._ Only to preserve it from the thieves.

_Gom._ And you came running out of doors--

_Elv._ Only to meet you, sweet husband.

_Gom._ A fine evidence summed up among you; thank you heartily, you are all my friends. The colonel was walking by accidentally, and hearing my voice, came in to save me; the friar, who was hobbling the same way too, accidentally again, and not knowing of the colonel, I warrant you, he comes in to pray for me; and my faithful wife runs out of doors to meet me, with all my jewels under her arm, and shrieks out for joy at my return. But if my father-in-law had not met your soldiers, colonel, and delivered me in the nick, I should neither have found a friend nor a friar here, and might have shrieked out for joy myself, for the loss of my jewels and my wife.

_Dom._ Art thou an infidel? Wilt thou not believe us?

_Gom._ Such churchmen as you would make any man an infidel.--Get you into your kennel, gentlewoman; I shall thank you within doors for your safe custody of my jewels and your own. [_He thrusts his wife off the stage._ As for you, colonel Huffcap, we shall try before a civil magistrate, who's the greater plotter of us two, I against the state, or you against the petticoat.

_Lor._ Nay, if you will complain, you shall for something. [_Beats him._

_Gom._ Murder, murder! I give up the ghost! I am destroyed! help, murder, murder!

_Dom._ Away, colonel; let us fly for our lives: the neighbours are coming out with forks, and fire-shovels, and spits, and other domestic weapons; the militia of a whole alley is raised against us.

_Lor._ This is but the interest of my debt, master usurer; the principal shall be paid you at our next meeting.

_Dom._ Ah, if your soldiers had but dispatched him, his tongue had been laid asleep, colonel; but this comes of not following good counsel; ah-- [_Exeunt_ LOR. _and Friar severally._

_Gom._ I'll be revenged of him, if I dare; but he's such a terrible fellow, that my mind misgives me; I shall tremble when I have him before the judge. All my misfortunes come together. I have been robbed, and cuckolded, and ravished, and beaten, in one quarter of an hour; my poor limbs smart, and my poor head aches: ay, do, do, smart limb, ache head, and sprout horns; but I'll be hanged before I'll pity you:--you must needs be married, must ye? there's for that; [_Beats his own head._] and to a fine, young, modish lady, must ye? there's for that too; and, at threescore, you old, doting cuckold! take that remembrance;--a fine time of day for a man to be bound prentice, when he is past using of his trade; to set up an equipage of noise, when he has most need of quiet; instead of her being under covert-baron, to be under covert-femme myself; to have my body disabled, and my head fortified; and, lastly, to be crowded into a narrow box with a shrill treble, That with one blast through the whole house does bound, And first taught speaking-trumpets how to sound. [_Exit._