Chapter 50

Miss Mayoress.

_Trap_. I am afraid, Mr Fustian, you have hitherto suspected that I was a dabbler in low comedy; now, sir, you shall see some scenes of politeness and fine conversation among the ladies. Come, my lord, come, begin.

_Place_. Pray, Mrs Mayoress, what do you think this lace cost a yard?

_Fust_. A very pretty beginning of polite conversation, truly.

_Trap_. Sir, in this play I keep exactly up to nature, nor is there anything said in this scene that I have not heard come out of the mouths of the finest people of the age. Sir, this scene has cost me ten shillings in chair-hire, to keep the best company, as it is called.

_Mrs M_. Indeed, my lord, I cannot guess it at less than ten pounds a yard.

_Place_. Pray, madam, was you at the last ridotto?

_Fust_. Ridotto! the devil! a country mayoress at a ridotto! Sure, that is out of character, Mr Trapwit!

_Trap_. Sir, a conversation of this nature cannot be earned on without these helps; besides, sir, this country mayoress, as you call her, may be allowed to know something of the town; for you must know, sir, that she has been woman to a woman of quality.

_Fust_. I am glad to hear that.

_Mrs M_. Oh, my lord! mention not those dear ridottos to me, who have been confined these twelve long months in the country; where we have no entertainment but a set of hideous strolling players; nor have I seen any one human creature till your lordship came to town. Heaven send us a controverted election! then I shall go to that dear delightful place once more.

_Miss M_. Yes, mama, and then we shall see Faribelly, the strange man-woman that they say is with child; and the fine pictures of Merlin's cave at the playhouses; and the rope-dancing and the tumbling.

_Fust_. By miss's taste I believe she has been bred up under a woman of quality too.

_Place_. I cannot but with pleasure observe, madam, the polite taste miss shows in her choice of entertainments; I dare swear she will be much admired in the beau monde, and I don't question but will be soon taken into keeping by some man of quality.

_Miss M_. Keeping, my lord?

_Place_. Ay, that surprize looks well enough in one so young, that does not know the world; but, miss, every one now keeps and is kept; there are no such things as marriages now-a-days, unless merely Smithfield contracts, and that for the support of families; but then the husband and wife both take into keeping within a fortnight.

_Mrs M_. My lord, I would have my girl act like other young ladies; but she does not know any men of quality, who shall introduce her to 'em?

_Place_. That, madam, must be your part; you must take a house and see company; in a little while you may keep an assembly, and play at cards as high as you can; and almost all the money that is won must be put into the box, which you must call _paying for the cards_; though it is indeed paying for your candles, your cloaths, your lodgings, and, in short, everything you have. I know some persons who make a very considerable figure in town, whose whole estate lies in their card-box.

_Mrs M_. And have I been so long contented to be the wife of a poor country tradesman, when I might have had all this happiness?

_Fust_. How comes this lady, Mr Trapwit, considering her education, to be so ignorant of all these things?

_Trap_. 'Gad, that's true; I had forgot her education, faith, when I writ that speech; it's a fault I sometimes fall into--a man ought to have the memory of a devil to remember every little thing; but come, go on, go on--I'll alter it by and by.

_Place_. Indeed, madam, it is a miserable state of life; I hope we shall have no such people as tradesmen shortly; I can't see any use they are of: if I am chose, I'll bring in a bill to extirpate all trade out of the nation.

_Mrs M_. Yes, my lord, that would do very well amongst people of quality who don't want money.

_Fust_. Again! Sure Mrs Mayoress knows very little of people of quality, considering she has lived amongst them.

_Trap_. Lord, sir, you are so troublesome. Then she has not lived amongst people of quality, she has lived where I please; but suppose we should suppose she had been woman to a lady of quality, may we not also suppose she was turned away in a fortnight, and then what could she know, sir? Go on, go on.

_Place_. Alack-a-day, madam, when I mention trade, I only mean low, dull, mechanick trade, such as the canaille practise; there are several trades reputable enough, which people of fashion may practise; such as gaming, intriguing, voting, and running in debt.

_Trap_. Come, enter a servant, and whisper my lord. [_Enter a_ Servant.] Pray, sir, mind your cue of entrance. [_Exit_ Servant.

_Place_. Ladies, a particular affair obliges me to lose so good company. I am your most obedient servant. [_Exit_.

_Mrs M_. He is a prodigious fine gentleman.

_Miss M_. But must I go into keeping, mama?

_Mrs M_. Child, you must do what's in fashion.

_Miss M_. But I have heard that's a naughty thing.

_Mrs M_. That can't be if your betters do it; people are punished for doing naughty things, but people of quality are never punished; therefore they never do any naughty things.

_Fust_. An admirable syllogism, and quite in character.

_Trap_. Pshaw, dear sir! don't trouble me with character; it's a good thing; and if it's a good thing, what signifies who says it?--Come, enter the mayor drunk.

_Enter_ Mayor.

_May_. Liberty and property, and no excise, wife.

_Mrs M_. Ah! filthy beast, come not near me.

_May_. But I will, though; I am for liberty and property; I'll vote for no courtiers, wife.

_Mrs M_. Indeed, but you shall, sir.

_Miss M_. I hope you won't vote for a nasty stinking Tory, papa.

_May_. What a pox! are you for the courtiers too?

_Miss M_. Yes, I hope I am a friend to my country; I am not for bringing in the pope.

_May_. No, nor I an't for a standing army.

_Mrs M_. But I am for a standing army, sir; a standing army is a good thing: you pretend to be afraid of your liberties and your properties--you are afraid of your wives and daughters: I love to see soldiers in the town; and you may say what you will, I know the town loses nothing by 'em.

_May_. The women don't, I believe.

_Mrs M_. And I'll have you know, the women's wants shall be considered, as well as yours. I think my lord and the colonel do you too much honour in offering to represent such a set of clownish, dirty, beggarly animals--Ah! I wish we women were to choose.

_May_. Ay, we should have a fine set of members then, indeed.

_Mrs M_. Yes, sir, you would have none but pretty gentlemen--there should not be one man in the House of Commons without a laced coat.

_Miss M_. O la! what a delicate, fine, charming sight that would be! Well, I like a laced coat; and if ever I am taken into keeping, it shall be by a man in a laced coat.

_May_. What's that you say, minx? What's that you say?

_Mrs M_. What's that to you, sir?

_May_. Why, madam, must not I speak to my own daughter?

_Mrs M_. You have the greater obligation to me, sir, if she is: I am sure, if I had thought you would have endeavoured to ruin your family, I would have seen you hanged before you should have had any by me.

_May_. I ruin my family!

_Mrs M_. Yes, I have been making your fortune for you with my lord; I have got a place for you, but you won't accept on't.

_Miss M_. You shall accept on't.

_Mrs M_. You shall vote for my lord and the colonel.

_Miss M_. They are the finest men--

_Mrs M_. The prettiest men--

_Miss M_. The sweetest men--

_Mrs M_. And you shall vote for them.

_May_. I won't be bribed.

_Mrs M_. A place is no bribe--ask the parson of the parish if a place is a bribe.

_May_. What is the place?

_Mrs M_. I don't know what the place is, nor my lord does not know what it is, but it is a great swingeing place.

_May_. I will have the place first. I won't take a bribe, I will have the place first; liberty and property! I'll have the place first. [_Exit_.

_Mrs M_. Come, my dear, follow me; I'll see whether he shall vote according to his conscience or mine.

I'll teach mankind, while policy they boast, They bear the name of power, we rule the roast.

_Trap_. There ends act the second. [_Exeunt_ Mrs _and_ Miss Mayoress.] Mr Fustian, I inculcate a particular moral at the end of every act; and therefore, might have put a particular motto before every one, as the author of Caesar in Egypt has done: thus, sir, my first act sweetly sings, Bribe all; bribe all; and the second gives you to Understand that we are all under petticoat-government; and my third will--but you shall see. Enter my lord Place, colonel Promise, and several voters. My lord, you begin the third act.

_Enter_ Lord PLACE, Col. PROMISE, and _several_ Voters.

_Place_. Gentlemen, be assured I will take care of you all; you shall all be provided for as fast as possible; the customs and the excise afford a great number of places.

1 _Voter_. Could not your lordship provide for me at court?

_Place_. Nothing easier: what sort of a place would you like?

1 _Voter_. Is not there a sort of employment, sir, called--beef-eating?--If your lordship please to make me a beef-eater--I would have a place fitted for my capacity.

_Place_. Sir, I will be sure to remember you.

2 _Voter_. My lord, I should like a place at court too; I don't much care what it is, provided I wear fine cloaths, and have something to do in the kitchen or the cellar; I own I should like the cellar, for I am a devilish lover of sack.

_Place_. Sack, say you? Odso, you shall be poet-laureat.

2 _Voter_. Poet! no, my lord, I am no poet, I can't make verses.

_Place_. No matter for that--you'll be able to make odes.

2 _Voter_. Odes, my lord! what are those?

_Place_. Faith, sir, I can't tell well what they are; but I know you may be qualified for the place without being a poet.

_Trap_. Now, my lord, do you file off, and talk apart with your people; and let the colonel advance.

_Fust_. Ay, faith, I think it is high time for the colonel to be heard.

_Col_. Depend upon it, sir; I'll serve you.

_Fust_. Upon my word the colonel begins very well; but has not that been said already?

_Trap_. Ay, and if I was to bring a hundred courtiers into my play, they should all say it--none of them do it.

3 _Voter_. An't please your honour, I have read in a book called Fog's Journal that your honour's men are to be made of wax; now, sir, I have served my time to a wax-work maker, and desire to make your honour's regiment.

_CoL_ Sir, you may depend on me.

3 _Voter_. Are your officers to be made of wax too, sir? because I would prepare a finer sort for them.

_CoL_ No, none but the chaplain.

3 _Voter_. O! I have a most delicate piece of black wax for him.

_Trap_. You see, sir, the colonel can speak when military affairs are on the carpet. Hitherto, Mr Fustian, the play has gone on in great tranquillity; now you shall see a scene of a more turbulent nature. Come, enter the mob of both sides, and cudgel one another off the stage. Colonel, as your business is not to fight at present, I beg you would go off before the battle comes on; you and your brother candidate come into the middle of the stage; you voters range yourselves under your several leaders. [_The mob attempt to break in_.] Pray, gentlemen, keep back; mind, the colonel's going off is the cue for the battle to enter. Now, my lord, and the colonel, you are at the head of your parties--but hold, hold, hold! you beef-eater, go you behind my lord, if you please; and you soldier-maker, come you behind the colonel: now, gentlemen, speak.

_Place_ and _Col_ Gentlemen, we'll serve you. [_My lord and the colonel flle off at different doors, the parties following_.

_Enter mob on each side of the stage, crying out promiscuously_. Down with the Rump! No courtiers! No Jacobites! Down with the pope! No excise! A Place and a Promise! A Fox-chace and a Tankard! _At last they fall together by the ears, and cudgel one another off the stage_.

_Enter_ Sir HARRY, Squire TANKARD, _and_ Mayor.

_Sir H_. Bravely done, my boys, bravely done; faith, our party has got the day.

_May_. Ay, Sir Harry, at dry blows we always come off well; if we could but disband the army, I warrant we carried all our points. But faith, sir, I have fought a hard battle on your account; the other side have secured my wife; my lord has promised her a place, but I am not to be gulled in that manner: I may be taken like a fish in the water, by a bait; but not like the dog in the water, by a shadow.

_Sir H_. I know you are an honest man, and love your country.

_May_. Faith, that I do, Sir Harry, as well as any man; if my country will but let me live by it, that's all I desire.

_Fust_. Mr Mayor seems to have got himself sober very suddenly.

_Trap_. Yes, so would you too, I believe, if you had been scolded at by your wife as long as he has; but if you think that is not reason enough, he may be drunk still, for any reason I see to the contrary: pray, sir, act this scene as if you was drunk.

_Fust_. Nay, I must confess, I think it quite out of character the mayor to be once sober during the whole election.

_Tank_. [_drunk_.] A man that won't get drunk for his country is a rascal.

_May_. So he is, noble squire; there's no honesty in a man that won't be drunk--A man that won't drink is an enemy to the trade of the nation.

_Sir H_. Those were glorious days when honest English hospitality flourished; when a country gentleman could afford to make his neighbours drunk, before your damned French fashions were brought over. Why, Mr Mayor, would you think it? there are many of these courtiers who have six starved footmen behind a coach, and not half a hogshead of wine in their house; why, how do you think all the money is spent?

_May_. Faith, I can't tell.

_Sir H_. Why, in houses, pictures, lace, embroidery, nick-nacks, Italian singers, and French tumblers; and those who vote for them will never get a dinner of them after the election is over.

_May_. But there is a thought comes often into my head, which is this; if these courtiers be turned out, who shall succeed them?

_Sir H_. Who? why, we!

_Tank_. Ay, we!

_Sir H_. And then we may provide for our friends. I love my country, but I don't know why I may not get something by it as well as another; at least to reimburse me.--And I do assure you, though I have not bribed a single vote, my election will stand me in a good five thousand pounds.

_Tank_. Ay, and so will mine me: but if ever we should get uppermost, Sir Harry, I insist upon immediately paying off the debts of the nation.

_Sir H_. Mr Tankard, that shall be done with all convenient speed.

_Tank_. I'll have no delay in it, sir.

_May_. There spoke the spirit of a true Englishman: ah! I love to hear the squire speak; he will be a great honour to his country in foreign parts.

_Sir H_. Our friends stay for us at the tavern; we'll go and talk more over a bottle.

_Tank_. With all my heart; but I will pay off the debts of the nation.

_May_. Come to the tavern then:-- There, while brisk wine improves our conversation, We at our pleasure will reform the nation.

_Trap_. There ends act the third.

[_Exeunt_ Sir HARRY, TANKARD, _and_ Mayor.

_Fust_. Pray, sir, what's the moral of this act?

_Trap_. And you really don't know?

_Fust_. No, really.

_Trap_. Then I really will not tell you; but come, sir, since you cannot find that out, I'll try whether you can find out the plot; for now it is just going to begin to open, it will require a very close attention, I assure you; and the devil take me if I give you any assistance.

_Fust_. Is not the fourth act a little too late to open the plot, Mr Trapwit?

_Trap_. Sir, 'tis an error on the right side: I have known a plot open in the first act, and the audience, and the poet too, forget it before the third was over: now, sir, I am not willing to burden either the audience's memory or my own; for they may forget all that is hitherto past, and know full as much of the plot as if they remembered it.

_Promp_. Call Mr Mayor, Mrs Mayoress, and Miss.

_Enter_ Mayor, Mrs _and_ Miss Mayoress.

_Mrs M_. Oh! have I found you at last, sir? I have been hunting for you this hour.

_May_. Faith, my dear, I wish you had found me sooner; I have been drinking to the good old cause with Sir Harry and the squire: you would have been heartily welcome to all the company.

_Mrs M_. Sir, I shall keep no such company; I shall converse with no clowns or country squires.

_Miss M_. My mama will converse with no Jacobites.

_May_. But, my dear, I have some news for you; I have got a place for myself now.

_Mrs M_. O ho! then you will vote for my lord at last?

_May_. No, my dear; Sir Harry is to give me a place.

_Mrs M_. A place in his dog-kennel?

_May_. No, 'tis such a one as you never could have got me from my lord; I am to be made an embassador.

_Mrs M_. What, is Sir Harry going to change sides then, that he is to have all this interest?

_May_. No, but the sides are going to be changed; and Sir Harry is to be--I don't know what to call him, not I--some very great man; and as soon as he is a very great man I am to be made an embassador of.

_Mrs M_. Made an ass of! Will you never learn of me that a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush?

_May_. Yes, but I can't find that you had the bird in hand; if that had been the case I don't know what I might have done; but I am sure any man's promise is as good as a courtier's.

_Mrs M_. Look'ye, Mr Embassador that is to be; will you vote as I would have you or no? I am weary of arguing with a fool any longer; so, sir, I tell you you must vote for my lord and the colonel, or I'll make the house too hot to hold you; I'll see whether my poor family is to be ruined because you have whims.

_Miss M_. I know he is a Jacobite in his heart.

_Mrs M_. What signifies what he is in his heart? have not a hundred, whom everybody knows to be as great Jacobites as he, acted like very good whigs? What has a man's heart to do with his lips? I don't trouble my head with what he thinks; I only desire him to vote.

_Miss M_. I am sure mama is a very reasonable woman.

_Mrs M_. Yes, I am too reasonable a woman, and have used gentle methods too long; but I'll try others.

[_Goes to a corner of the stage and takes a stick_.

_May_. Nay, then, liberty and property, and no excise! [_Runs off_.

_Mrs M_. I'll excise you, you villain! [_Runs after him_.

_Miss M_. Hey ho! I wish somebody were here now. Would the man that I love best in the world were here, that I might use him like a dog!

_Fust_. Is not that a very odd wish, Mr Trapwit?

_Trap_. No, sir; don't all the young ladies in plays use all their lovers so? Should we not lose half the best scenes in our comedies else?

_Promp_. Pray, gentlemen, don't disturb the rehearsal so: where is this servant? [_Enter_ Servant.] Why don't you mind your cue?

_Serv_. Oh, ay, dog's my cue. Madam, here's Miss Stitch, the taylor's daughter, come to wait on you.

_Miss M_. Shew her in. What can the impertinent flirt want with me? She knows I hate her too for being of the other party: however, I'll be as civil to her as I can. [_Enter_ Miss STITCH.] Dear miss! your servant; this is an unexpected favour.

_Miss S_. I am sure, madam, you have no reason to say so; for, though we are of different parties, I have always coveted your acquaintance. I can't see why people may not keep their principles to themselves. [_Aside_.

_Miss M_. Pray, miss, sit down. Well, have you any news in town?

_Miss S_. I don't know, my dear, for I have not been out these three days; and I have been employed all that time in reading one of the "Craftsmen:" 'tis a very pretty one; I have almost got it by heart.

_Miss M_. [_Aside_.] Saucy flirt! she might have spared that to me when she knows that I hate the paper.

_Miss S_. But I ask your pardon, my dear; I know you never read it.

_Miss M_. No, madam, I have enough to do to read the "Daily Gazetteer." My father has six of 'em sent him every week for nothing: they are very pretty papers, and I wish you would read them, miss.

_Miss S_. Fie upon you! how can you read what's writ by an old woman?

_Miss M_. An old woman, miss?

_Miss S_. Yes, miss, by Mrs Osborne. Nay, it is in vain to deny it to me.

_Miss M_. I desire, madam, we may discourse no longer on this subject; for we shall never agree on it.

_Miss S_. Well, then, pray let me ask you seriously--are you thoroughly satisfied with this peace?

_Miss M_. Yes, madam, and I think you ought to be so too.

_Miss S_. I should like it well enough if I were sure the queen of Spain was to be trusted.

_Miss M. [Rising.]_ Pray miss, none of your insinuations against the queen of Spain.

_Miss S_. Don't be in a passion, madam.

_Miss M_. Yes, madam, but I will be in a passion, when the interest of my country is at stake.

_Miss S. [Rising.]_ Perhaps, madam, I have a heart as warm in the interest of my country as you can have; though I pay money for the papers I read, and that's more than you can say.

_Miss M_. Miss, miss, my papers are paid for too by somebody, though I don't pay for them; I don't suppose the old woman, as you call her, sends 'em about at her own expence; but I'd have you to know, miss, I value my money as little as you in my country's cause; and rather than have no army, I would part with every farthing of these sixteen shillings to maintain it.

_Miss S_. And if my sweetheart was to vote for the colonel, though I like this fan of all the fans I ever saw in my life, I would tear it all to pieces, because it was his Valentine's gift to me. Oh, heavens! I have torn my fan; I would not have torn my fan for the world! Oh! my poor dear fan! I wish all parties were at the devil, for I am sure I shall never get a fan by them.

_Miss M_. Notwithstanding all you have said, madam, I should be a brute not to pity you under this calamity: comfort yourself, child, I have a fan the exact fellow to it; if you bring your sweetheart over to vote for the colonel you shall have it.

_Miss S_. And can I sell my country for a fan? What's my country to me? I shall never get a fan by it. And will you give it me for nothing?

_Miss M_. I'll make you a free present of it.

_Miss S_. I am ashamed of your conquest, but I'll take the fan.

_Miss M_. And now, my dear, we'll go and drink a dish of tea together. And let all parties blame me if they can, Who're bribed by honours trifling as a fan.

[_Exeunt_ Misses.

_Trap_. There ends act the fourth. If you want to know the moral of this, the devil must be in you. Faith, this incident of the fan struck me so strongly that I was once going to call this comedy by the name of The Fan. But come, now for act the fifth.

_Promp_. Sir, the player who is to begin it is just stepped aside on some business; he begs you would stay a few minutes for him.

_Trap_. Come, Fustian, you and I will step into the green-room, and chat with the actresses meanwhile.

_Fust_. But don't you think these girls improper persons to talk of parties?

_Trap_. Sir, I assure you it is not out of nature: and I have often heard these affairs canvast by men who had not one whit more understanding than these girls.

[_Exeunt_.