Chapter 6

(Davenport, solus.)

DAVENPORT Thus far have I secured my charming prize. I can appretiate, while I lament, the delicacy which makes her refuse the protection of my sister's roof. But who comes here?

(_Enter Pendulous, agitated._) It must be he. That fretful animal motion--that face working up and down with uneasy sensibility, like new yeast. Jack--Jack Pendulous!

PENDULOUS It is your old friend, and very miserable.

DAVENPORT Vapours, Jack. I have not known you fifteen years to have to guess at your complaint. Why, they troubled you at school. Do you remember when you had to speak the speech of Buckingham, where he is going to execution?

PENDULOUS Execution!--he has certainly heard it. (_Aside_.)

DAVENPORT What a pucker you were in overnight!

PENDULOUS May be so, may be so, Mr. Davenport. That was an imaginary scene. I have had real troubles since.

DAVENPORT Pshaw! so you call every common accident.

PENDULOUS Do you call my case so common, then?

DAVENPORT What case?

PENDULOUS You have not heard, then?

DAVENPORT Positively not a word.

PENDULOUS You must know I have been--(_whispers_)--tried for a felony since then.

DAVENPORT Nonsense!

PENDULOUS No subject for mirth, Mr. Davenport. A confounded short-sighted fellow swore that I stopt him, and robbed him, on the York race-ground at nine on a fine moonlight evening, when I was two hundred miles off in Dorsetshire. These hands have been held up at a common bar.

DAVENPORT Ridiculous! it could not have gone so far.

PENDULOUS A great deal farther, I assure you, Mr. Davenport. I am ashamed to say how far it went. You must know, that in the first shock and surprise of the accusation, shame--you know I was always susceptible--shame put me upon disguising my _name_, that, at all events, it might bring no disgrace upon my family. I called myself _James Thomson_.

DAVENPORT For heaven's sake, compose yourself.

PENDULOUS I will. An old family ours, Mr. Davenport--never had a blot upon it till now--a family famous for the jealousy of its honour for many generations--think of that, Mr. Davenport--that felt a stain like a wound--

DAVENPORT Be calm, my dear friend.

PENDULOUS This served the purpose of a temporary concealment well enough; but when it came to the--_alibi_--I think they call it--excuse these technical terms, they are hardly fit for the mouth of a gentleman, the _witnesses_--that is another term--that I had sent for up from Melcombe Regis, and relied upon for clearing up my character, by disclosing my real name, _John Pendulous_--so discredited the cause which they came to serve, that it had quite a contrary effect to what was intended. In short, the usual forms passed, and you behold me here the miserablest of mankind.

DAVENPORT (_Aside_). He must be light-headed.

PENDULOUS Not at all, Mr. Davenport. I hear what you say, though you speak it all on one side, as they do at the playhouse.

DAVENPORT The sentence could never have been carried into--pshaw!--you are joking--the truth must have come out at last.

PENDULOUS So it did, Mr. Davenport--just two minutes and a second too late by the Sheriff's stop-watch. Time enough to save my life--my wretched life--but an age too late for my honour. Pray, change the subject--the detail must be as offensive to you.

DAVENPORT With all my heart, to a more pleasing theme. The lovely Maria Flyn--are you friends in that quarter, still? Have the old folks relented?

PENDULOUS They are dead, and have left her mistress of her inclinations. But it requires great strength of mind to--

DAVENPORT To what?

PENDULOUS To stand up against the sneers of the world. It is not every young lady that feels herself confident against the shafts of ridicule, though aimed by the hand of prejudice. Not but in her heart, I believe, she prefers me to all mankind. But think what the world would say, if, in defiance of the opinions of mankind, she should take to her arms a--reprieved man!

DAVENPORT Whims! You might turn the laugh of the world upon itself in a fortnight. These things are but nine days' wonders.

PENDULOUS Do you think so, Mr. Davenport?

DAVENPORT Where does she live?

PENDULOUS She has lodgings in the next street, in a sort of garden-house, that belongs to one Cutlet. I have not seen her since the affair. I was going there at her request.

DAVENPORT Ha, ha, ha!

PENDULOUS Why do you laugh?

DAVENPORT The oddest fellow! I will tell you--But here he comes.

_Enter Cutlet._

CUTLET (_To Davenport._) Sir, the young lady at my house is desirous you should return immediately. She has heard something from home.

PENDULOUS What do I hear?

DAVENPORT 'Tis her fears, I daresay. My dear Pendulous, you will excuse me?--I must not tell him our situation at present, though it cost him a fit of jealousy. We shall have fifty opportunities for explanation. [_Exit._]

PENDULOUS Does that gentleman visit the lady at your lodgings?

CUTLET He is quite familiar there, I assure you. He is all in all with her, as they say.

PENDULOUS It is but too plain. Fool that I have been, not to suspect that, while she pretended scruples, some rival was at the root of her infidelity!

CUTLET You seem distressed, Sir. Bless me!

PENDULOUS I am, friend, above the reach of comfort.

CUTLET Consolation, then, can be to no purpose?

PENDULOUS None.

CUTLET I am so happy to have met with him!

PENDULOUS Wretch, wretch, wretch!

CUTLET There he goes! How he walks about biting his nails! I would not exchange this luxury of unavailing pity for worlds.

PENDULOUS Stigmatized by the world--

CUTLET My case exactly. Let us compare notes.

PENDULOUS For an accident which--

CUTLET For a profession which--

PENDULOUS In the eye of reason has nothing in it--

CUTLET Absolutely nothing in it--

PENDULOUS Brought up at a public bar--

CUTLET Brought up to an odious trade--

PENDULOUS With nerves like mine--

CUTLET With nerves like mine--

PENDULOUS Arraigned, condemned--

CUTLET By a foolish world--

PENDULOUS By a judge and jury--

CUTLET By an invidious exclusion disqualified for sitting upon a jury at all--

PENDULOUS Tried, cast, and--

CUTLET What?

PENDULOUS HANGED, Sir, HANGED by the neck, till I was--

CUTLET Bless me!

PENDULOUS Why should not I publish it to the whole world, since she, whose prejudice alone I wished to overcome, deserts me?

CUTLET Lord have mercy upon us! not so bad as that comes to, I hope?

PENDULOUS When she joins in the judgment of an illiberal world against me--

CUTLET You said HANGED, Sir--that is, I mean, perhaps I mistook you. How ghastly he looks!

PENDULOUS Fear me not, my friend. I am no ghost--though I heartily wish I were one.

CUTLET Why, then, ten to one you were--

PENDULOUS _Cut down._ The odious word shall out, though it choak me.

CUTLET Your case must have some things in it very curious. I daresay you kept a journal of your sensations.

PENDULOUS Sensations!

CUTLET Aye, while you were being--you know what I mean. They say persons in your situation have lights dancing before their eyes--blueish. But then the worst of all is coming to one's self again.

PENDULOUS Plagues, furies, tormentors! I shall go mad! [_Exit._]

CUTLET There, he says he shall go mad. Well, my head has not been very right of late. It goes with a whirl and a buzz somehow. I believe I must not think so deeply. Common people that don't reason know nothing of these aberrations.

Great wits go mad, and small ones only dull; Distracting cares vex not the empty skull: They seize on heads that think, and hearts that feel, As flies attack the--better sort of veal.

[_Exit._]