Chapter 47

writing._

Enter a great many People of all sorts, then _Friendly_, after him _Dullman_.

_Friend._ How now, Major; what, they say _Bacon_ scar’d you all out of the Council yesterday; What say the People?

_Dull._ Say? they curse us all, and drink young _Frightall’s_ Health, and swear they’ll fight through Fire and Brimstone for him.

_Friend._ And to morrow will hollow him to the Gallows, if it were his chance to come there.

_Dull._ ‘Tis very likely: Why, I am forced to be guarded to the Court now, the Rabble swore they would _De-Wit_ me, but I shall hamper some of ’.m. Wou’d the Governour were here to bear the brunt on’t, for they call us the evil Counsellors.

Enter _Hazard_, goes to _Friendly_.

Here’s the young Rogue that drew upon us too, we have Rods in Piss for him, i’faith.

Enter _Timorous_ with _Bailiffs_, whispers to _Dullman_, after which to the _Bailiffs_.

_Tim._ Gadzoors, that’s he, do your Office.

_Bail._ We arrest you, Sir, in the King’s Name, at the suit of the honourable Justice _Timorous_.

_Haz._ Justice _Timorous_! who the Devil’s he?

_Tim._ I am the man, Sir, d’ye see, for want of a better; you shall repent, Guds zoors, your putting of tricks upon Persons of my Rank and Quality. [After he has spoke, he runs back as afraid of him.

_Haz._ Your Rank and Quality!

_Tim._ Ay, Sir, my Rank and Quality; first I am one of the honourable Council, next, a Justice of Peace in _Quorum_, Cornet of a Troop of Horse, d’ye see, and Church-warden.

_Friend._ From whence proceeds this, Mr. Justice? you said nothing of this at Madam _Ranter’s_ yesterday; you saw him there, then you were good Friends.

_Tim._ Ay, however I have carried my Body swimmingly before my Mistress, d’ye see, I had Rancour in my Heart, Gads zoors.

_Friend._ Why, this Gentleman’s a Stranger, and but lately come ashore.

_Haz._ At my first landing I was in company with this Fellow and two or three of his cruel Brethren, where I was affronted by them, some Words pass’d, and I drew--

_Tim._ Ay, ay, Sir, you shall pay for’t,--why--what, Sir, cannot a civil Magistrate affront a Man, but he must be drawn upon presently?

_Friend._ Well, Sir, the Gentleman shall answer your Suit, and I hope you’ll take my Bail for him.

_Tim._ ‘Tis enough--I know you to be a civil Person.

_Timorous_ and _Dullman_ take their Places on a long Bench placed behind the Table, to them _Whimsey_ and _Whiff_, they seat themselves, then _Boozer_ and two or three more; who seat themselves: Then enter two, bearing a Bowl of Punch and a great Ladle or two in it; the rest of the Stage being fill’d with People.

_Whiff._ Brothers, it hath often been mov’d at the Bench, that a new Punch-Bowl shou’d be provided, and one of a larger Circumference; when the Bench sits late about weighty Affairs, oftentimes the Bowl is emptied before we end.

_Whim._ A good Motion; Clerk, set it down.

_Clerk._ Mr. Justice _Boozer_, the Council has order’d you a Writ of Ease, and dismiss your Worship from the Bench.

_Booz._ Me from the Bench, for what?

_Whim._ The Complaint is, Brother _Boozer_, for drinking too much Punch in the time of hearing Tryals.

_Whiff._ And that you can neither write nor read, nor say the Lord’s Prayer.

_Tim._ That your Warrants are like a Brewer’s Tally, a Notch on a Stick; if a special Warrant, then a couple. Gods zoors, when his Excellency comes he will have no such Justices.

_Booz._ Why, Brother, though I can’t read my self, I have had _Dalton’s_ Country-Justice read over to me two or three times, and understand the Law. This is your Malice, Brother _Whiff_, because my Wife does not come to your Warehouse to buy her Commodities,--but no matter, to show I have no Malice in my Heart, I drink your Health.--I care not this, I can turn Lawyer, and plead at the Board. [Drinks, all pledge him, and hum.

_Dull._ Mr. Clerk, come to the Tryals on the Dockett. [_Clerk_ reads.

_Cler._ The first is between his Worship Justice _Whiff_ and one _Grubb_.

_Dull._ Ay, that _Grubb’s_ a common Disturber, Brother, your Cause is a good Cause if well manag’d, here’s to’t. [Drinks.

_Whiff._ I thank you, Brother _Dullman_--read my Petition. [Drinks.

_Cler._ The Petition of Captain _Thomas Whiff_, sheweth, That whereas _Gilbert Grubb_ calls his Worship’s Wife _Ann Whiff_ Whore, and said he would prove it; your Petitioner desires the Worshipful Bench to take it into Consideration, and your Petitioner shall ever pray, _&c._-- Here’s two Witnesses have made Affidavit _viva voce_, an’t like your Worships.

_Dull._ Call _Grubb_.

_Cler._ _Gilbert Grubb_, come into the Court.

_Grub._ Here.

_Whim._ Well, what can you say for your self, Mr. _Grubb_.

_Grub._ Why, an’t like your Worship, my Wife invited some Neighbours Wives to drink a Cagg of Syder; now your Worship’s Wife, Madam _Whiff_, being there fuddled, would have thrust me out of doors, and bid me go to my old Whore Madam _Whimsey_, meaning your Worship’s Wife. [To _Whimsey_.

_Whim._ Hah! My Wife called Whore, she’s a Jade, and I’ll arrest her Husband here--in an Action of Debts.

_Tim._ Gad zoors, she’s no better than she should be, I’ll warrant her.

_Whiff._ Look ye, Brother _Whimsey_, be patient; you know the humour of my _Nancy_, when she’s drunk; but when she’s sober, she’s a civil Person, and shall ask your pardon.

_Whim._ Let this be done, and I am satisfied. And so here’s to you. [Drinks.

_Dull._ Go on to the Trial.

_Grub._ I being very angry, said indeed, I would prove her a greater Whore than Madam _Whimsey_.

_Cler._ An’t like your Worships, he confesses the Words in open Court.

_Grub._ Why, an’t like your Worships, she has had two Bastards, I’ll prove it.

_Whiff._ Sirrah, Sirrah, that was when she was a Maid, not since I marry’d her; my marrying her made her honest.

_Dull._ Let there be an order of Court to sue him for _Scandalum magnatum_.

_Tim._ Mr. Clerk, let my Cause come next.

_Cler._ The Defendant’s ready, Sir. [_Hazard_ comes to the Board.

_Tim._ Brothers of the Bench, take notice, that this Hector here coming into Mrs. _Flirt’s_ Ordinary, where I was with my Brother _Dullman_ and Lieutenant _Boozer_; we gave him good Counsel to fall to work: Now my Gentleman here was affronted at this, forsooth, and makes no more to do but calls us Scoundrels, and drew his Sword on us; and had I not defended my self by running away, he had murdered me, and assassinated my two Brothers.

_Whiff._ What Witness have you, Brother?

_Tim._ Here’s Mrs. _Flirt_ and her Maid _Nell_,--besides, we may be Witness for one another, I hope, our Words may be taken.

_Cler._ Mrs. _Flirt_ and _Nell_ are sworn. [They stand forth.

_Whim._ By the Oaths that you have taken, speak nothing but the truth.

_Flirt._ An’t please your Worships, your Honours came to my House, where you found this young Gentleman: and your Honours invited him to drink with your Honours; Where after some opprobrious Words given him, Justice _Dullman_, and Justice _Boozer_ struck him over the Head; and after that indeed the Gentleman drew.

_Tim._ Mark that, Brother, he drew.

_Haz._ If I did, it was _se defendendo_.

_Tim._ Do you hear that, Brothers, he did it in defiance.

_Haz._ Sir, you ought not to sit Judge and Accuser too.

_Whiff._ The Gentleman’s i’th’ right, Brother, you cannot do’t according to Law.

_Tim._ Gads zoors, what new tricks, new querks?

_Haz._ Gentlemen, take notice, he swears in Court.

_Tim._ Gads zoors, what’s that to you, Sir?

_Haz._ This is the second time of his swearing.

_Whim._ What, do you think we are deaf, Sir? Come, come, proceed.

_Tim._ I desire he may be bound to his Good Behaviour, fin’d, and deliver up his Sword, what say you, Brother? [Jogs _Dull._ who nods.

_Whim._ He’s asleep, drink to him and waken him,-- you have miss’d the Cause by sleeping, Brother. [Drinks.

_Dull._ Justice may nod, but never sleeps, Brother-- you were at--Deliver his Sword--a good Motion, let it be done. [Drinks.

_Haz._ No, Gentlemen, I wear a Sword to right my self.

_Tim._ That’s fine, i’faith, Gads zoors, I’ve worn a Sword this dozen Year, and never cou’d right my self.

_Whiff._ Ay, ‘twou’d be a fine World if Men should wear Swords to right themselves; he that’s bound to the Peace shall wear no Sword.

_Whim._ I say, he that’s bound to the Peace ought to wear no Peruke, they may change ‘em for black or white, and then who can know them.

_Haz._ I hope, Gentlemen, I may be allowed to speak for my self.

_Whiff._ Ay, what can you say for your self, did you not draw your Sword, Sirrah?

_Haz._ I did.

_Tim._ ‘Tis sufficient, he confesses the Fact, and we’ll hear no more.

_Haz._ You will not hear the Provocation given.

_Dull._ ‘Tis enough, Sir, you drew--

_Whim._ Ay, ay, ‘tis enough, he drew--let him be fin’d.

_Friend._ The Gentleman should be heard, he’s Kinsman too to Colonel _John Surelove_.

_Tim._ Hum--Colonel _Surelove’s_ Kinsman.

_Whiff._ Is he so? nay, then all the reason in the World he should be heard, Brothers.

_Whim._ Come, come, Cornet, you shall be Friends with the Gentleman; this was some drunken bout, I’ll warrant you.

_Tim._ Ha, ha, ha, so it was, Gads zoors.

_Whiff._ Come, drink to the Gentleman, and put it up.

_Tim._ Sir, my service to you, I am heartily sorry for what’s pass’d, but it was in my drink. [Drinks.

_Whim._ You hear his Acknowledgments, Sir, and when he’s sober he never quarrels. Come, Sir, sit down, my Service to you.

_Haz._ I beg your excuse, Gentlemen--I have earnest business.

_Dull._ Let us adjourn the Court, and prepare to meet the Regiments on the _Sevana_. [All go but _Friend._ and _Hazard_.

_Haz._ Is this the best Court of Judicature your Country affords?

_Friend._ To give it its due, it is not. But how does thy Amour thrive?

_Haz._ As well as I can wish in so short a time.

_Friend._ I see she regards thee with kind Eyes, Sighs and Blushes.

_Haz._ Yes, and tells me I am so like a Brother she had --to excuse her kind concern,--then blushes so prettily, that, Gad, I cou’d not forbear making a discovery of my Heart.

_Friend._ Have a care of that, come upon her by slow degrees, for I know she is virtuous;--but come, let’s to the _Sevana_, where I’ll present you to the two Colonels, _Wellman_ and _Downright_, the Men that manage all till the arrival of the Governour.

[Exeunt.