Chapter 18

_Enter_ Julia _and_ Jacinta.

_Jac_. Lord, Madam, you are as melancholy as a sick Parrot.

_Jul_. And can you blame me, _Jacinta_? have I not many Reasons to be sad? first have I not lost the only Man on earth in Don _Carlos_, that I cou’d love? and worse than that, am married to a Thing, fit only for his Tomb; a Brute, who wanting sense to value me, treats me more like a Prisoner than a Wife?--and his Pretence is, because I should not see nor hear from Don _Carlos_.

_Jac_. Wou’d I were in your room, Madam, I’d cut him out work enough, I’d warrant him; and if he durst impose on me, i’faith, I’d transform both his Shape and his Manners; in short, I’d try what Woman-hood cou’d do. And indeed, the Revenge wou’d be so pleasant, I wou’d not be without a jealous Husband for all the World; and really, Madam, Don _Carlos_ is so sweet a Gentleman.

_Jul_. Ay, but the Sin, _Jacinta_!

_Jac_. O’ my Conscience, Heav’n wou’d forgive it; for this match of yours, with old _Francisco_, was never made there.

_Jul_. Then if I wou’d, alas, what opportunities have I, for I confess since his first Vows made him mine--

_Jac_. Right--that lying with old _Francisco_ is flat Adultery.

_Jul_. I might, with some excuse, give my self away to _Carlos_--But oh, he’s false, he takes unjustly all the Vows he paid me, and gives ‘em to my Sister _Clara_ now.

_Jac_. Indeed that’s something uncivil, Madam, if it be true.

_Jul_. True! my Father has with joy consented to it, and he has leave to visit her; and can I live to see’t? No, Mischief will ensue, my Love’s too high, too nicely true to brook Affronts like that.

_Jac_. Yet you first broke with him.

_Jul_. Not I; be witness, Heav’n, with what reluctancy I forc’d my breaking heart; and can I see that charming Body in my Sister’s Arms! that Mouth that has so oft sworn Love to me kist by another’s Lips! no, _Jacinta_, that night that gives him to another Woman, shall see him dead between the Charmer’s Arms. My Life I hate, and when I live no more for _Carlos_, I’ll cease to be at all; it is resolv’d.

_Jac_. Faith, Madam, I hope to live to see a more comical end of your Amours--but see where your amiable Spouse comes with Don _Baltazer_ your Father.

_Enter_ Francisco _and_ Baltazer.

_Fran_. So--you two are damnable close together, ‘tis for no goodness I’ll warrant, you have your trade betimes.

_Jac_. Meaning me, Sir?

_Fran_. Yes, you, one of my Wife’s evil Counsellors,--go, get you up both to your respective Chambers, go--

[_Ex. both_.

_Bal_. Barring your Compliments, good Son, give me leave to speak.

_Fran_. Shaw, I know as well as your self what you wou’d say now; you wou’d assure me I am sole Master of your House, and may command; that you are heartily glad to see me at _Cadiz_, and that you desire I wou’d resolve upon a Week’s stay, or so; that you’ll spare nothing for my entertainment: why, I know all this, and therefore pray take my word, good Father-in-Law, without any more ado.

_Bal_. Well, Sir, pray answer me one question, what drew you to _Cadiz_?

_Fran_. Why, I’ll tell you; in the first place, a Pox of all Lovers, I say; for my Daughter _Isabella_ is to be married, as you know, to _Antonio_, a young rich Merchant of this Town; in the second place, my Wife, with a Vengeance, must be gadding to visit you and her Sister, whom we heard also was to be married to the young Governor Don _Carlos_; ’.is shreudly against my will, Heav’n knows, for my Wits are in an uproar already about this business--your Gallants, Father, your young Gallants,--I wish my Wife were secure at home again.

_Bal_. Pray, why so?

_Fran_. Alas, I see the Trick, Sir, a mere Trick put upon a Man, a married Man, and a married Man to a handsome young Woman,--you apprehend me.

_Bal_. Not I, Sir.

_Fran_. Not you, Sir! why, look ye, your young Governor who now is, made most desperate love to her who is now my Wife, d’ye mind me?--but you, being a Man of an exact Judgment, to her great grief, gave her to me, who best deserv’d her, both for my civil Behaviour, and comely Personage, d’ye understand me? but now this _Carlos_, by his Father’s death, being made Governor, d’ye see? is to marry me your other daughter _Clara_, and to exasperate me, wou’d never let me be at quiet till he had got both of us hither to _Cadiz_, to grace his Wedding; a Pox of his Invitation, was I so civil to invite him to mine?

_Bal_. If this be your Affliction, you may avoid it.

_Fran_. No, no, I’ll try to force Nature a little, and be civil, or so; but as soon as the Ceremony’s over, I’ll steal out of Town, whip a way, presto, i’faith.

_Bal_. But shou’d you do so rude a thing to your new Brother, your Wife wou’d think you were jealous of her. No, dissemble that Fault, I beseech you, ‘twill make you odious to her and all the world, when ‘tis needless, ’.is natural for Women to hate what they fear.

_Fran_. Say you so, then I will hide it as much as I can in words, I can dissemble too upon occasion.

_Bal_. Let her remain awhile amongst us.

_Fran_. The Devil a bit she shall, good Father mine, no, no, I have more years than you, Sir Father, and understand what Women are, especially when married to ancient Men, and have the Conversation of young Men--whose Eyes like Basilisks destroy Modesty with looking on ‘em; the very Thought on’t has rais’d a Bump in my Forehead already.

_Bal_. I am sorry you should suspect my Daughter’s Virtue.

_Fran_. May be you are, Sir--but Youth you know-- Opportunity--Occasion--or so--there are Winks, and Nods, and Signs, and Twirs--and--well--in short I am satisfied, and they that are not may go whistle: and so I’ll to my Wife, whom I have left too long alone, evil thoughts will grow upon her--Wife, Love--Duckling-- [_Calls her_.

_Enter_ Julia _and_ Jacinta.

_Bal_. Wou’d I had never married her to this Sot.

_Jul_. Your pleasure, Sir.

_Fran_. Only to see thee, Love.

_Jul_. I have a Suit to you.

_Fran_. What is’t, my Chicken.

_Jul_. I wou’d go make a Visit to my Aunt, my Sister _Clara’s_ there, and I’ll go fetch her home.

_Fran_. Hum--perhaps the Governor’s there too?

_Jul_. What if he be? we ought to make him a visit too, who so kindly sent for us to _Cadiz_.

_Fran_. How! Make a visit to the Governor? What have I to do with the Governor, or what have you to do with the Governor? you are no Soldier, Love. As for a Visit to your Aunt, there’s some reason in’t; but for the Governor, think no more upon him, I say no more.

_Jul_. Since he’s to marry my Sister, why shou’d you refuse him that Civility.

_Fran_. Your Sister, so much the worse.

_Jul_. So much the worse?

_Fran_. I, so much the worse, I tell you; for mark me, you have been Lovers lately; and old Stories may arise that are not yet forgotten; and having under the Cloke of a Husband both Sisters at command, one for a Wife, t’other for a Mistress, hoyte toyte, there will be mad work, i’faith; What a mixture of Brother by the Father’s side, and Uncle by the Mother’s side there will be; Aunt by the Mother’s side, and Sister by the Father’s side; a man may find as good kindred amongst a kennel of Beagles.--No, no, no Visits to the Governor, I beseech you, fair Madam.

_Bal_. So, you are at your Jealousy again.

_Fran_. Come, come, I love plain dealing; besides, when she named the Governor, Flesh and Blood could not contain.

_Jul_. I spoke in reference to his Quality.

_Fran_. A Pox of your Civility; I tell you, I scorn my Wife should be civil. Why, what a Coil’s here about a Governor! I’ll stand to’t, a Man had better have a Mule to his Wife than a Woman, and ‘twere easier govern’d.

_Bal_. But hear reason, Son.

_Fran_. What, from a Woman and a Wife? Lord, Lord, where are your Wits, good Father-in-Law? Why, what a Devil, shall I be made ridiculous, a Coxcomb, Cuckold, to shew my Wife? No, no, there’s no Necessity of your Civility, Mistress; leave that to me who understand the due Punctilios of it.

_Bal_. Harkye, Son, Harkye!

_Fran_. Father mine, every Man to his business, I say, therefore say no more of this; for I’ll give my Mother’s Son to the Devil, when any Wife of mine ever makes a Visit to the Governor; and there’s an end on’t. Was ever so horrid a Plot contriv’d against her own lawful Husband? Visit the Governor with a Pox!

_Bal_. ‘Tis an Honour due to all Men of his Rank.

_Fran_. I care not for that, my opinion is, my Wife’s my Slave, and let him keep his Rank to himself.

_Enter_ Guzman.

[Fran. _gets his Wife behind him, and fences her with his Cloke_.

_Guz_. He’s here, and with his Wife; how shall I do to deliver my Letter to her;--Sir, by the order of my Master, Don _Carlos_, the Governour, I am commanded to come hither to the end that, going from hence, and returning to my Master, I may be able to inform him--

_Fran_. That I am in health,--very well, I was afraid he wou’d have been harping upon my Wife in the first place--the Devil take her, she looks for’t. [_Makes signs to have her gone_.

_Guz_. Farther, Sir, he kisses your hand, with a more than ordinary friendship.

_Fran_. A Pox of his Compliments.-- [_Aside_.

_Guz_. But he charg’d me, Sir, most passionately to present his Service to your Lady.

_Fran_. Yes, yes; I thought as much.

_Guz_.--In a more particular manner.

_Fran_. Friend, my Wife, or Lady, has no need of his Service in a more particular manner, and so you may return it.

_Jac_. Indeed, but she has great need of his service in a very particular manner.

_Guz_. Sir, I meant no hurt, but ‘tis always the fashion of your true bred Courtier, to be more ceremonious in his Civilities to Ladies than Men;--and he desires to know how she does.

_Fran_. How strong this _Carlos_ smells of the Devil--Friend, tell your Master she’s very well, but since she was married, she has forgot her gentile Civility and good Manners, and never returns any Compliments to Men.

_Guz_.--How shall I get it to her?--Sir, the Governor hopes he shall have the honour of entertaining you both at his House. He’s impatient of your coming, and waits at home on purpose.

_Fran_. Friend, let your Master know we are here in very good quarters already, and he does us both too much honour; and that if we have notice of the Wedding-day, and I have nothing else to do, we’ll certainly wait on him, and the next morning we intend to take our leaves, which I send him word of beforehand to prevent surprize.

_Guz_. But, Sir--

[_Approaching him, he puts his Wife farther_.

_Fran_. Go, Sir, and deliver your Message.

_Guz_. But I have order, Sir--

_Fran_. There’s no such thing in this World.

_Guz_. I’m resolv’d to teaze him, if I can do nothing else, in revenge;--But, Sir, he most earnestly desires to entertain your fair Lady in his own house.

_Fran_. Yes, yes; I know he does; but I’ll give him to the Devil first.--Troth, Sir, this _Cadiz_ Air does not agree with my fair Lady, she has ventured out but once, and has got an Ague already.

_Guz_. Agues, Sir, are kind Diseases, they allow of Truces and Cessations.

_Fran_. No, no; she has no Cessation, Friend, her Ague takes her night and day, it shakes her most unmercifully, and it shall shake her till the Wedding-day.

_Guz_. Were this Fellow to be tried by a Jury of Women, I would not be in his Coat to lie with his Lady.--What shall I do to deliver this Letter?--Well, Sir, since I see you are so averse to what the Governor desires, I’ll return--but, Sir, I must tell you as a Friend, a Secret; that to a man of your temper may concern you;--Sir,--he’s resolv’d when he comes next to visit his Mistress, to make another visit to your Apartment, to your Lady too.

[_Goes to whisper him, and gives Julia the Letter over his Shoulder_.

_Fran_. Is he so, pray tell him he need not take that pains; there’s no occasion for’t; besides ‘twill be but in vain; for the Doctors have prescribed her Silence and Loneliness, ‘tis good against the Fit; how this damn’d Fellow of a Rival torments me! honest Friend, adieu.

_Guz_. Now is this Fellow so afraid of being made a Cuckold that he fears his own Shadow, and dares not go into his Wife’s Chamber if the Sun do but shine into the room-- [_Ex_. Guz.

_Fran_. So, your Mercury’s gone; Lord, how simply you look now, as if you knew nothing of the matter!

_Jul_. Matter! what matter? I heard the civil Message the Governor sent, and the uncivil Answer you return’d back.

_Fran_. Very good; did that grieve your heart? alas, what pity ‘twas I carried you not in my hand, presented you to him my self, and beg’d him to favour me so much to do my office a little for me, or the like; hah,--

_Jul_. And there’s need enough, and the truth were known.

_Jac_. Well said, Madam.

_Fran_. Peace, thou wicked Limb of _Satan_--but for you, Gentlewoman, since you are so tarmagant, that your own natural Husband cannot please you, who, though I say it, am as quiet a Bed-fellow, and sleep as sweetly, for one of my years, as any in _Spain_--I’ll keep you to hard meat, i’faith.

_Jul_. I find no fault with your sleeping, ‘tis the best quality you have a-bed.

_Fran_. Why so then, is the Devil in an unmerciful Woman? Come, come, ’.is a good Tenant that pays once a quarter.

_Jac_. Of an hour do you mean, Sir?--

_Fran_. Peace, I say--thou damnable Tormentor, this is the Doctrine you preach to your Mistress, but you shall do’t it private, for I’m resolv’d to lock ye both up, and carry the Keys in my Pocket.

_Jul_. Well, I am a wicked Creature to teaze thee so, Dear; but I’ll do what thou wilt; come, come, be friends, I vow, I care not for the Governor, not I, no more than I do for my--own Soul.

_Fran_. Why so, this is something; Come, come your ways in,--who have we here? a Man! ad’s my life, away, away.

_Jul_. Yes, up to my Chamber, to write an answer to this dear Letter. [_Ex_ Julia.

_Enter_ Isabella.

_Fran_. No, ‘tis not a Man, but my Daughter _Isabella_.

_Jac_. Now will I stay, and set her on to teaze the Dotard: wou’d I could teaze him to Death, that my Mistress might be rid of him.

_Fran_. How now, what makes you look so scurvily to day? Sure the Devil rides once a day through a Woman, that she may be sure to be inspired with some ill Qualities--what wou’d you have now?

_Isa_. Something.

_Fran_. Something? what thing? have I not provided you a Husband whom you are to marry within a day or two.

_Isa_. There’s a Husband indeed, pray keep him to your self, if you please; I’ll marry none of him, I’ll see him hanged first.

_Fran_. Hey day;--what, is he not young and handsome enough, forsooth?

_Isa_. Young and handsome; is there no more than that goes to the making up of a Husband--Yes, there’s Quality.

_Fran_. Quality!--Why, is he not one of the richest Merchants of his standing in all _Cadiz_.

_Isa_. Merchant! a pretty Character! a Woman of my Beauty, and five Thousand Pound, marry a Merchant--a little, petty, dirty-heel’d Merchant; faugh, I’d rather live a Maid all the days of my life, or be sent to a Nunnery, and that’s Plague enough I’m sure.

_Jac_. Have a care of a Nunnery, lest he take you at your word.

_Isa_. I would not for the world; no, _Jacinta_, when ever thou seest me in holy Orders, the World will be at an end.

_Fran_. Merchant! why, what Husband do you expect?

_Isa_. A Cavalier at least, if not a Nobleman.

_Fran_. A Nobleman, marry come up, your Father, Huswife, meaning my self, was a Leather-seller at first, till, growing rich, I set up for a Merchant, and left that mechanick Trade; and since turned Gentleman; and Heav’n blest my Endeavours so as I have an Estate for a _Spanish_ Grandee; and, are you so proud, forsooth, that a Merchant won’t down with you, but you must be gaping after a Cap and Feather, a Silver Sword with a more dreadful Ribbon at the hilt?--Come, come, I fear me, Huswise, you are one that puff’s her up with Pride thus;--but lay thy hand upon thy Conscience now.-- [_To Jacinta_.

_Jac_. Who, I, Sir? No, no, I am for marrying her out of hand to any reasonable Husband, except a Merchant; for Maids will long, and that’s _Probatum est_ against the prevailing distemper of Longing. Hitherto I dare answer for her, but Batteries will be made, and I dare not be always responsible for frail Mortality.

_Fran_. Well, I have provided her one that I like, but if she be so squeamish, let her fast, with a Murrain to her.

_Isa_. Dear Father.

_Fran_. Dear me no Dears: wou’d your old Mother were alive, she wou’d have strapt your Just-au-corps, for puleing after Cavaliers and Nobleman, i’faith, that wou’d she; a Citizen’s Daughter, and would be a _Madona_--in good time.

_Isa. Why, Father, the Gentry and Nobility now-a-days frequently marry Citizens Daughters.

_Fran_. Come, come, Mistress, I got by the City, and I love and honour the City; I confess ‘tis the Fashion now-a-days, if a Citizen get but a little Money, one goes to building Houses, and brick Walls; another must buy an Office for his Son, a third hoists up his Daughter’s Topsail, and flaunts it away, much above her breeding; and these things make so many break, and cause the decay of Trading: but I am for the honest _Dutch_ way of breeding their Children, according to their Fathers Calling.

_Isa_. That’s very hard, because you are a laborious, ill-bred Tradesman, I must be bound to be a mean Citizen’s Wife.

_Fran_. Why, what are you better than I, forsooth, that you must be a Lady, and have your Petticoats lac’d four Stories high; wear your false Towers, and cool your self with your _Spanish_ Fan? Come, come, Baggage, wear me your best Clothes a Sunday, and brush ‘em up a Monday Mornings, and follow your Needle all the Week after; that was your good old Mother’s way, and your Grandmother’s before her; and as for the Husband, take no care about it, I have designed it _Antonio_, and _Antonio_ you are like to wed, or beat the hoof, Gentlewoman, or turn poor _Clare_, and die a begging Nun, and there’s an end on’t--see where he comes--I’ll leave you to ponder upon the business. [_Exit_.]

_Enter_ Antonio. Isabella _weeps_.

_Ant_. What, in Tears, _Isabella?_ what is’t can force that tribute from your Eyes?

_Isa_. A Trifle, hardly worth the naming, your self.--

_Ant_. Do I? pray, for what Sin of mine must your fair Eyes be punish’d?

_Isa_. For the Sin of your odious Addresses to me, I have told you my mind often enough, methinks your Equals should be fitter for you, and sute more with your Plebeian Humour.

_Ant_. My Equals! ‘Tis true, you are fair; but if there be any Inequality in our births, the advantage is on my side.

_Isa_. Saucy Impertinent, you shew your City breeding; you understand what’s due to Ladys! you understand your Pen and Ink, how to count your dirty Money, trudge to and fro chaffering of base commodities, and cozening those you deal with, till you sweat and stink again like an o’er heated Cook, faugh, I smell him hither.

_Ant_. I must confess I am not perfum’d as you are, to stifle Stinks you commonly have by Nature; but I have wholesom, cleanly Linen on; and for my Habit wore I but a Sword, I see no difference between your Don and me, only, perhaps, he knows less how to use it.

_Isa_. Ah, name not a Don, the very sound from the Mouth of a little Cit is disagreeable--Bargain and Sale, Bills, Money, Traffick, Trade, are words become you better.

_Jac_. Well said, use him scurvily that Mrs. _Clara_ may have him. [_Aside_.

_Ant_. The best of those you think I should not name, dare hardly tell me this.

_Isa_. Good Lord, you think your self a very fine Fellow now, and finical your self up to be thought so; but there’s as much difference between a Citizen and a true bred Cavalier--

_Ant_. As between you and a true bred Woman of Honour.

_Isa_. Oh, Sir, you rail, and you may long enough, before you rail me out of my Opinion, whilst there are Dons with Coaches and fine Lackeys, and I have Youth and Beauty, with a Fortune able to merit one, so farewel, Cit. [_Ex_.

_Ant_. Farewel, proud Fool.

_Jac_. Sir, be this Evening at the Door, Donna _Clara_ has something to say to you.

_Ant_. Bless thee for this Tidings, dear _Jacinta_.

[_Ex_. Jacinta.

--I find let Man be brave, or good, or wise, His Virtue gains no Smiles from Woman’s Eyes; ‘Tis the gay Fool alone that takes the Heart, Foppery and Finery still guide the Dart.

[_Ex_.