Chapter 83

Enter _Olinda_ and _Dorice_.

Olin. But is the Bride-Chamber drest up, and the Bed made as it ought to be?

Dor. As for the making, ’tis as it use to be, only the Velvet Furniture.

Olin. As it use to be? Oh ignorance! I see these young Wenches are not arriv’d yet to bare Imagination: Well, I must order it my self, I see that.

Dor. Why, _Olinda_, I hope they will not go just to Bed upon their marrying, without some signs of a Wedding, as Fiddles, and Dancing, and so forth.

Olin. Good Lord, what Joys you have found out for the first Night of a young Bride and Bridegroom. Fiddles and Dancing, ha, ha, ha! they’ll be much merrier by themselves, than Fiddles and Dancing can make them, you Fool.

Enter _Haunce_ and _Gload_.

Bless me! what is’t I see! [Stares on _Haunce_.

Hau. Why! what the Devil means she? look about me, _Gload_, and see what I have that’s so terrible.

Olin. Oh, I have no Power to stir, it is a Sprite.

Hau. What does she mean now, _Gload?_

Glo. She desires to be satisfy’d whether we be Flesh and Blood, Sir, I believe.

Hau. Do’st see nothing that’s Devil-wise about me?

Glo. No, indeed, Sir, not I.

Hau. Why then the Wench is tippled, that’s all, a small Fault.

Olin. O, in the name of Goodness, Sir, what are you?

Glo. Ay, Ay, Sir, ’tis that she desires to know.

Olin. Who are you, Sir?

Hau. Why who should I be, but he that’s to be your Master anon?

323 Glo. Yes, who should he be but _Myn heer Haunce van Ezel?_

Olin. What, did you come in at the Door?

Hau. Yes, marry did I; what, do you think I creep in like a Lapland Witch through the Key-holes?

Dor. Nay, nay, this cannot be the Bridegroom.

Olin. No, for ’tis but a moment since we left him, you know, in my Lady’s Chamber.

Hau. Very drunk, by this good Light.

Dor. And therefore it cannot be _Myn heer Haunce_.

Hau. What a Devil will you persuade me out of my Christian Name?

Olin. The Priest has yet scarce done his Office, who is marrying him above to my Lady.

Hau. _Salerimente_, here’s brave doing, to marry me, and never give me notice; or thou art damnable drunk, or very mad.

Glo. Yes, and I am married to you too, am I not? [To _Olinda_.

Olin. You? we know neither of you.

Hau. Ha, ha, ha, here’s a turn for you.

Enter _Carlo_.

Car. Why, _Olinda_, _Dorice_, _Olinda_, where be these mad Girls? ’tis almost Night, and nothing in Order. Why, what now? Who’s here?

Hau. So the old Man’s possest too—Why, what a Devil ails you, Sir? [Goes roughly to him.

Car. From whence come you, Sir? and what are you?

Hau. _Gload_, let’s be gone, for we shall be transmigrated into some strange Shapes anon, for all the House is inchanted. Who am I, quoth ye? before I came you all knew me; and now you are very well acquainted with me, you have forgot me.

Car. If you be my Son _Haunce_, how came you here?

Hau. If I be your Son _Haunce_, where should I be else?

324 Car. Above with your Wife, not below amongst the Maids.

Hau. What Wife? what Wife? Ha, ha, ha, do not provoke me, lest I take you a slap in the Face, I tell you that now.

Car. Oh, I find by his Humour this is he, and I am finely cheated and abus’d. I’ll up and know the Truth. [Goes out.

Hau. And so will I. [Follows.

Glo. Why, but Mistress _Olinda_, you have not, indeed, forgot me, have you?

Olin. For my Lover I have, but perhaps I may call you to mind, as my Servant hereafter.

Glo. Since you are so proud and so fickle, you shall stand hereafter as a Cypher with me; and I’ll begin upon a new Account with this pretty Maid: what say you forsooth?

Dor. I am willing enough to get a Husband as young as I am.

Glo. Why, that’s well said, give your Hand upon the Bargain—God-ha’-Mercy, with all my Heart, i’faith. [Go in.

[Scene draws off, discovers a Chamber. Enter _Alonzo_, _Euphemia_, and _Lovis_; to them _Carlo_, _Haunce_, and the rest.

Car. Oh, I am cheated, undone, abus’d.

Lov. How, Sir, and where?

[_Haunce_ sees _Alonzo_ drest like him, goes gazing about him, and on himself, calling _Gload_ to do the same.

Car. Nay, I know not how, or where; but so I am: and when I find it, I’ll turn you all out of Doors. Who are you, Sir? quickly tell me.

Alon. If you be in such haste, take the shortest Account, I am your Son.

Car. I mean, Sir, what’s your Name, and which of you is _Haunce van Ezel?_

Hau. Ay, which of us is _Haunce van Ezel?_ tell us that, Sir; we shall handle ye i’faith now—

325 Alon. He, Sir, can best inform you. [Pointing to _Haunce_.

Hau. Who, I! I know no more than the great Turk, not I, which of us is me; my Hat, my Feather, my Suit, and my Garniture all over, faith now; and I believe this is me, for I’ll trust my Eyes before any other Sense about me. What say’st thou now, _Gload?_ guess which of us is thy own natural Master now if thou canst.

Glo. Which, Sir?—why—let me see—let me see, [Turns them both about. fakes, I cannot tell, Sir.

Car. Come, come, the Cheat is plain, and I’ll not be fobb’d off, therefore tell me who you are, Sir. [To _Alonzo_.

Alon. One that was very unwilling to have put this Trick upon you, if I could have persuaded _Euphemia_ to have been kind on any other Terms, but nothing would down with her but Matrimony.

Car. How long have you known her?

Alon. Faith, Sir, too long by at least an Hour.

Car. I say again, what are you, Sir?

Alon. A Man I am, and they call me _Alonzo_.

Car. How! I hope not the great fighting Colonel whom my Son serv’d as a Voluntier in _Flanders_.

Alon. Even he, Sir.

Car. Worse and worse, I shall grow mad, to think that in spite of all my Care, _Euphemia_ should marry with so notorious a Man of War.

Hau. How! is this _Alonzo_, and am I cozen’d? pray tell me truly, are you not me indeed?

Alon. All over, Sir, only the inside a little less Fool.

Hau. So here’s fine juggling—are not you a rare Lady, hah? [To _Euphemia_; crys.

Euph. I assure you, Sir, if this Man had not past for you, I had never had him.

Hau. Had him! Oh, you are a flattering thing, I durst ha’ sworn you could no more ha’ been without me, than a Barber’s Shop without a Fiddle, so I did: Oh, what a 326 damnable Voyage have I back again without a Wife too— [Crys again.

Lov. If that be all, we’ll get you one before you go; that shall be my care.

Hau. A Pox of your care: well, I will get my self most soundly drunk to Night, to be reveng’d of these two damnable Dons. Come, _Gload_, let us about something in order to’t. [Exit with _Gload_.

Euph. Pray, Sir, be persuaded, he’s worth your owning.

Car. Tell not me of owning; what Fortune has he?

Lov. His Horse and Arms, the Favour of his Prince, and his Pay.

Car. His Horse and Arms I wholly dislike, as Implements of War; and that same Princely Favour, as you call it, will buy no Lands; and his Pay he shall have when he can get it.

Lov. But, Sir, his coming to _Madrid_ was to take possession of a Place the Prince has promis’d him.

Car. Has promis’d him? what! I shall marry my Daughter to the Promises of e’er a Prince in _Christendom_, shall I? No, no; Promises, quoth ye?

Alon. Well, Sir, will this satisfy you? [Gives him a Parchment.

Euph. If it should not, let us consider what next to do.

Alon. No consideration, _Euphemia_; not so much as that we are married, lest it lessen our Joys.

Car. Twelve thousand Crowns a Year!—Sir, I cry you mercy, and wish you joy with my Daughter.

Lov. So his Courage will down with him now.

Alon. To satisfy you farther, Sir, read this. [Gives him another Paper. And now, _Euphemia_, prepare your self to receive some gallant Friends of mine, whom you must be acquainted with, and who design to make a merry Night on’t.

Euph. A whole Night, _Alonzo?_

Alon. By no means, _Euphemia_, for the first too, which 327 if the thoughts of its being part of my Duty do not hinder, will be a pleasant enough to me.

Car. So considerable an Office at Court too!—Let me imbrace you, Sir; and tell you how happy I am in so brave Son-in-law.

Alon. With that assurance, Sir, I’ll take a more than ordinary freedom with you, and teach _Euphemia_ a franker way of living, than what a native _Spaniard_ would have allow’d her.

Car. She shall be what sort of Wife you’ll have her.

Enter Servant, after a noise of Musick.

Alon. What Musick’s that?

Serv. It waits upon some Ladies and Gentlemen who ask for you, Sir.

Alon. Wait them in, they are those Friends of mine I told you of. [He goes and brings them in.

Enter _Marcel_ and _Clarinda_, _Silvio_ and _Cleonte_, _Antonio_ and _Hippolyta_, _Dormida_ and _Francisca_; all salute _Euphemia_.

Enter _Haunce_ and _Gload_ in Masquerade to the Company, _Olinda_ and _Dorice_ masked.

Hau. Well, the Devil’s in’t if we shall not appear ridiculous enough, hah, _Gload?_

Glo. Ay, Sir, the more ridiculous the better.

Hau. I was always of that mind.—Ha, ha, Boys, who be all these Dons and Donnas?—Harkye, _Lovis_, I hope the Wife you promis’d me is amongst these fair Ladies, for so I guess they are both, fair and Ladies.

Lov. You guess right, Sir.

Alon. Now, Ladies and Gentlemen, command your Musick, and do what likes you best.

Lov. Here’s the Lady I recommend to you, take her, Sir, be thankful. [Gives him _Olinda_.

Olin. This is the Fool that I am to manage.

328 Dor. And this is my Lot. [Takes _Gload_.

[Musick plays, they all dance.

Lov. There is within a young Father ready to join your Hands: take this opportunity, and make sure of a Wife.

Hau. I warrant you, Sir.

[Exeunt _Haunce_, _Olinda_, _Gload_, and _Dorice_.

Enter _Pedro_.

Ped. Your Mother, Sir, whom I found more dead than living, for the loss of your Sister, was very near dying outright with Joy, to hear of your Arrival, and most impatiently expects you.

Dorm. And are we all forgiven, _Pedro?_

Ped. Yes, you and I are like to be Fellow-Servants together again, _Dormida_.

Dorm. And Fellow-Lovers too I hope, _Pedro_.

Ped. The Devil’s in’t if Age have not allay’d Flames of all sorts in thee; but if you contribute to my allowance—

Dorm. Thou know’st I could never keep any thing from thee, _Pedro_.

Alon. Come, Ladies, there is a small Banquet attends you in the next Room.

Silv. We’ll wait on you, Sir.

Enter _Haunce_, _Gload_, _Olinda_, and _Dorice_.

Hau. Hold, hold, and give me Joy too, for I am married, if she has not mistaken her Man again, and I my Woman.

Olin. No, you are the Man I look for, and I no Cheat, having all about me that you look for too, but Money. [Discovers her self.

Alon. How, _Olinda!_

Olin. Yes, indeed, Sir, I serv’d my Lady first, and then thought it no Offence to take the Reward due to that Service.

Hau. Here’s a _Spanish_ Trick for you now, to marry a Wife, before one sees her.

329 Euph. What, _Dorice_ married too?

Dor. After your Example, Madam.

Glo. Yes, indeed, forsooth, and I have made bold too after the Example of my Master.

Hau. Now do they all expect I should be dissatisfied; but, Gentlemen, in sign and token that I am not, I’ll have one more merry Frisk before we part, ’tis a witty Wench; faith and troth, after a Month ’tis all one who’s who; therefore come on, _Gload_. [They dance together.

Alon. Monsieur _Haunce_, I see you are a Man of Gallantry. Come let us in, I know every Man here desires to make this Night his own, and sacrifice it to Pleasure.

The Ladies too in Blushes do confess. Equal Desires; which yet they’ll not confess. Theirs, tho less fierce, more constant will abide; But ours less current grow the more they’re try’d.

EPILOGUE

HISS ’em, and cry ’em down, ’tis all in vain, Incorrigible Scriblers can’t abstain: But impudently i’th’ old Sin engage; Tho doom’d before, nay banish’d from the Stage. Whilst sad Experience our Eyes convinces, That damn’d their Plays which hang’d the _German_ Princess; And we with Ornament set off a Play, Like her drest fine for Execution-day. And faith, I think, with as small hopes to live; Unless kind Gallants the same Grace you’d give Our Comedy as Her; beg a Reprieve. Well, what the other mist, let our Scribe get, A Pardon, for she swears she’s the less Cheat. She never gull’d you Gallants of the Town Of Sum above four Shillings, or half a Crown. 330 Nor does she, as some late great Authors do, Bubble the Audience, and the Players too. Her humble Muse soars not in the High-rode Of Wit transverst, or Baudy _A-la-mode_; Yet hopes her plain and easy Style is such, As your high Censures will disdain to touch. Let her low Sense creep safe from your Bravadoes, Whilst Rotas and Cabals aim at Granadoes.

Notes on the Text.

_433_ The Dutch Lover.

Dramatis Personæ

p. 226 I have added to the Dramatis Personæ ‘Boy, Page to Marcel, Servant to Carlo, A Friar, Swains, Four Shepherds, Four Nymphs, Dutch men and Dutch women.’