Part 12

"Soon after midnight he left the room. For a long time yet I heard him walking up and down outside in the corridor, and, at the muffled sound of his tramping footsteps, another night came into my mind, when I had listened, no less trembling in fear and hope, to the same sound. Worlds lay between then and now, and the young, foolish creature who had then hearkened out into the darkness, burning with the desire to help and to sacrifice herself, now appeared to me like a strange, radiant being from some distant, shining planet.

"The footsteps grew less distinct. He had gone back to his room.

"'Will he return again?' I asked myself, putting my ear to the keyhole. 'In any case he cannot sleep.' And I started joyfully when the sound once more increased.

"And then the thought came to me, 'What concern is it of yours whether he returns or not? Are you here in this place for his sake? Is not your happiness, your life, your all, lying here before you?'

"I fell down by the bedside, and, covering Martha's hands with kisses, I implored her to have mercy--that I wanted to speak to her--that it was bursting my heart-strings--that it was stifling me--that I should suffocate.

"But she did not wake. Doubled up with pain she lay there, a miserable little heap of bones. On her cheek-bones were little flaming spots. Her breath panted. Once she moved her lips as if to speak, but the words died away in a toneless gurgling.

"What a terrible silence all around! The clock ticked, along the wall by the casement the wind passed softly moaning, and from the other room sounded the muffled tramp of the wanderer--all else still.

"And suddenly it seemed to me as if in this stillness I heard the blood in my own body seething and boiling. I listened. Evidently that was my blood rushing wildly through my veins.

"'Why is its flow not quiet and well-behaved,' I asked myself, 'in accordance with my great resolve? Is not this sin torn out with all its roots--burnt out by a thousand purifying fires? Do I not stand here as the priestess, void of desire, pure and blessed?'

"And again I listened! These are hallucinations, I told myself, and yet I grew afraid at the gushing and rushing, which seemed to increase with every minute. I saw a stream which carried me away in its torrents--a stream of blood! A rock with sheer points jutted out from it. Thereon a word stood written with flaming letters, the word 'Bloodguiltiness.'

"The footsteps grew louder. I jumped up.... He came, seated himself on the pillow, wiped the perspiration from her forehead with the flat of his hand, and passed his fingers through her hair.

"Stealthily I watched him. I hardly dared to breathe any more. His eyes gleamed bloodshot in their sockets. His lips were pressed together in bitter reproach. He sat there as if petrified with unuttered pain. The desire to approach him shook me like a fit of ague. But when I was on the point of rising, it was as if two iron fists laid themselves upon my shoulders and forced me back on to my chair.

"At length I spoke his name, and was startled, so strange, so weird did the sound of my own voice appear to me. He turned round and stared at me.

"'Robert,' I said, 'why do you not speak to me? You will feel easier if you let some one else share what is oppressing you.'

"Then he jumped up and grasped both my hands. His touch made me feel hot and cold all over. But I forced myself to keep my ground, and firmly looked into his face.

"'That is the first good word that you have vouchsafed me, Olga.' he said.

"'What do you mean by that, Robert?' I stammered. 'Have I been unkind towards you?'

"'Only unkind?' he replied. 'Like a stranger, like an intruder you have treated me, and have driven me from the bedside of my wife.'

"'Heaven forbid!' I cry, and free myself from him, for I feel I am about to sink upon his breast.

"And he continues, 'Olga, if ever I did you any wrong--I know not what, but it must be so, else your look and manner would not be so stern and forbidding towards me--if I did you any wrong, Olga, it was not my fault. I always meant well towards you. I have--you might always have been here like at home; you need never have gone among strangers; and in the presence of that one whom we both love----'

"Why must he mention her name to me? A wild joy had flamed up within me; I felt as if I had wings; then her name struck me like the cut of a whip. I bit my lips till they bled. Indeed I would be calm, would act the guardian angel.

"'Robert,' said I, 'you have been gravely mistaken about me. I never bore you any ill-will. Only I have grown reserved and defiant among strangers. You must have patience with me--must trust me. Will you?'

"Then it broke from his eyes like sunshine. 'I have so much to thank you for already, Olga,' he said; 'how could I do otherwise than continue to trust you? You know, since that day when we rode together into the wood, do you remember?'--ah, did I remember indeed!--'since that day I have loved you like a sister, yes, more than all my sisters. And at the same time I looked up to you and revered you like my guardian spirit. That is indeed what you have been to me. You will be so in future, too, won't you?'

"I nodded silently, and pressed both my hands to my bosom; then, when he noticed it, I let them drop, but I staggered back three paces; it was a miracle that I kept myself upright.

"He stepped up to me in alarm. 'I am tired,' I said, and forced myself to smile. 'Come, we will sit down; the night is long yet.'

"So we both sat opposite each other at the foot of the bed, with the narrow bedstead between us, rested our arms on the ledge, and looked across at Martha's face, which moved with cramp-like twitchings. Her eyelids seemed closed, deep shadows from her lashes fell across her cheeks; but, on bending down, one could see the whites of the eyes gleaming with a faint sheen, like mother-of-pearl, in their dark sockets. He observed it too.

"'As if she had already died,' he murmured, and buried his head in his hands. 'And if she dies,' he continued, 'she will not die through the child, not through this wretched fever; through my fault alone, Olga, she will perish!'

"'For God's sake, what are you saying?' I cried, stretching out my arms towards him.

"He nodded and smiled bitterly.

"'I have seen it very well, Olga, all through these three years; over and over again it is my fault. First, I left her longing and fearing between hope and despair for seven long years, till the strength was drained in this way from her body and soul--heaven knows she never had much to spare; and then I dragged her with her sickly body and broken spirit here into this misery, where all were hostile to her, and those most hostile who should have held her most dear. And I myself!--yes, if I myself had been brave and of good cheer, if I could have guarded her that her foot might not dash against any stone, if I had spread sunshine across her path, then perhaps she might have flourished at my side. But I was often rough and surly, stormed and raged in the house and the farm, never thinking how every loud word made her start, so that she already grew pale if I only frowned. Look at this little handful of life, how it lies here; and then look at me, the great, uncouth, coarse-grained giant! Sometimes in the night when I woke, I was afraid lest I might possibly crush her in my arms. And, after all, I have crushed her! What I required was a wife, strong and----'

"He stopped short, terrified, and cast a glance, which eloquently pleaded for forgiveness, towards Martha's face, but I completed his sentence for myself.

"When he had left the room a wild feeling of joy seized me. It rushed through my head like a whirlwind; it confused my senses; my pride, my defiance, my self-respect, everything seemed to be swallowed up in it.

"The atmosphere of the sick room lay heavily upon me, like a suffocating cloth. My brain was burning with the carbolic vapours which rose up from the bowl in front of me. My breath began to fail me.

"I fled to the window, and pressing my forehead against the sash, I drank in the cold night air which found its way into the room through the chinks. Morning dawned through the curtains--cold-grey--enveloped in fog.... Faintly gleaming clouds slowly heaved upwards on the horizon and threw a fallow sheen over the dripping trees, which seemed to have grown still more bare overnight.

"What a night!

"And how many, worse than this one, are about to follow? What phantoms, begotten of darkness, born in horror, will rise up before my fevered senses as the nights come on?

"Shivering, I crept into a corner. I was afraid of myself.

"The hours of the morning passed away, and by degrees I grew calmer. The memory of this night, with its feverish turmoil and pangs of conscience, waxed dim. What I had experienced and felt became a dream, A leaden weariness took possession of me; I closed my eyes and thought about nothing.

"And then came a blissful hour. It was towards ten o'clock when Martha suddenly opened her faithful blue eyes and looked up at me consciously and brightly.

"I felt as if God's eye had turned, full of pity and forgiveness, towards me, the sinner. A pure, holy joy streamed through me. I fell across my sister's body, and hid my face at her neck.

"In the midst of her pain she began to smile, with an effort placed her hand upon my head, and murmured, with hardly audible voice, 'I suppose I have been giving you all a great fright?'

"The breath of her words enveloped me like a peace-bringing chant, and for a moment I felt as if the burden at my heart must give way--but I was unable to weep.

"'How do you feel?' I asked.

"'Well, quite well!' she replied, 'only the sheet weighs so heavily upon me!'

"It was the lightest I had been able to find. I told her so; then she sighed and said she knew she was a fidget, and I was to have patience with her.

"And then she lay again quite still, and constantly looked at me as if in a dream. At length she nodded several times and remarked: 'It is well thus--quite well!'

"'What is well?" I asked.

"Then she smiled again and was silent. And then the pains returned. She shook all over and clenched her teeth, but she did not utter a complaint.

"'Shall I call for Robert?' I asked, for terror overwhelmed me anew.

"She nodded. 'And bring the child too,' she murmured.

"I did as she had bid. She had the little creature laid on the bed beside her, and looked down at it for a long time. She also made an attempt to kiss it, but she was too weak to do so.

"Even before Robert came she had relapsed into her sleep.

"He gave me a reproachful look, and remarked, 'Why did you not send for me sooner?'

"'Believe me, it is better thus,' I answered, 'it would have excited her too much to see you.'

"'You always seem to know what is best,' said he, and went out, fortunately without noticing the glow which suffused my face at his praise.

"Now she lay there again unconscious--her cheeks red, and her forehead wet with perspiration. And added to that, the gruesome play of her lips! They kept on twitching and smacking.

"Towards one o'clock the doctor came, took her temperature, and certified a diminution of fever.

"'That will go up and down many a time yet,' he said; nor did he enter into our joy over her awakening. 'Do not speak to her when she regains consciousness,' he urged, 'and above all, do not allow her to speak herself. She needs every atom of her strength.'

"Before he left, he fixed his eyes on me for a long time, and shook his head doubtfully. I felt how the consciousness of guilt drove the blood to my cheeks. It was as if he could look me through and through.

"... In the afternoon I had fetched myself a book from my room, the first I happened to lay my hands upon and tried to read in it; but the letters danced before my eyes, and my head buzzed as if it were full of bats.

"It was a long time before I could even make out the title. I read 'Iphigenia.' Then, seized by sudden terror, I flung the book far away from me into a corner, as if I had held a burning coal in my hand. Towards evening Martha's pains seemed to grow more intense. Several times she cried out loud and writhed as if in a cramp.

"While I was busying myself about her, during an attack of this sort, the old woman suddenly stood at my side. And as I looked at her with her venomous glance, with her studied wringing of hands, and the hypocritical droop of her mouth, the thought suddenly came to me--

"'Here is one--who is waiting for Martha's death--who is wishing for it.'

"My eyesight seemed dimmed by a red veil, I clenched my fists--I all but flung the accusation in her face. And as I stood in front of her, still quite petrified by the thought, she took hold of my arm, and tried, without much ado, to push me aside, so that she might plant herself at Martha's pillow. Perhaps she hoped to intimidate me by this unceremonious proceeding.

"'Dear aunt.' said I, removing her hand from my arm, 'I have pointed out to you before already that this is my place, and that no one in the world shall dispute it with me. I urgently beg of you to restrict your visit to the other rooms.'

"'Indeed? We will just wait and see, my little one,' she screeched, 'we will just ask the master of the house, who has more to say here, his good old mother, or you, vagabond Polish crew?'

"And still screeching, she departed.

"In a very fever of rage I paced the room. Even I should not have imagined that this sorrowing mother could so quickly and thoroughly change back again into a fury. It only remained for her to give expression to her innermost wishes.

"'Oh, if it should be true.' I cried, and horror possessed me. 'To wish for Martha's death! Martha, do you hear, to wish for your death! Whom have you ever hurt? In whose way have you ever stood? Who lives in the world who has ever received aught but love and forgiveness from you? If it were true, if any human being should really be so depraved, and still wander upon earth with impunity--verily, it would make one despair of God and of everything good.'

"Thus I spoke and could not heap enough shame and contumely upon the old woman's head.

"And then it struck me that I had been talking myself into a most unworthy passion.

"But I felt easier through it, I dared to breathe more freely, and when I saw poor, ill-treated 'Iphigenia' lying in the dust, I went and picked it up.

"'What crime have I, after all, committed?' I said to myself, 'that I should need to hide away from my ideal? Have I done anything but bring comfort to one in despair? Has a single look, a single word been exchanged, which my sister might not have seen and heard? If it seethes and burns in my breast, what concern is that of any one, as long as I keep it carefully to myself?'

"Thus I spoke to myself, and considered myself almost justified, even before my own conscience. Blind creature that I was!

* * * * *

"And once more the gloaming came, once more the setting sun cast its red light through the windows.

"Martha's face was bathed in a purple glow, in her hair little lights sparkled, and the hand that lay on the coverlet looked as though illumined from within.

"I drew the bed-screen closer around her, so that the flimmering rays should not trouble her.

"Then I saw hanging on the wall a withered ivy wreath, which I had not noticed before, a wreath such as I was wont to send on special occasions for our parents' graves. Perhaps that was where this one, too, came from. At the present moment it appeared as if woven of flames, everything about it lived phantastically. And when I looked more closely, it even seemed to me as if it began to revolve, and to emit a cascade of sparks, like a real wheel of fire.

"'Dear me, now you are already beginning to see visions,' I said to myself, and tried to gain new strength by pacing up and down. But I felt so dizzy, that I was obliged to hold on to the chairs--I gasped for breath.

"Oh, this smell of carbolic--this sickly-sweet odour! It enveloped my senses, it dimmed my thoughts, it spread a presentiment of death and terror all around.

"Then the old doctor came, looked keenly into my face, and ordered me in his fatherly, gruff manner to go forthwith into the open and get some fresh air. He himself would watch till I returned. And in spite of my remonstrance he pushed me out of the door.

"If I could have guessed what was awaiting me, no power on earth would have moved me to cross the threshold!

"Now I drew a deep breath as I stepped out into the courtyard. The evening air refreshed me like a cooling bath. The last gleam of daylight was vanishing, and veiled in bluish vapours the autumn night sank down upon the earth.

"The two hunting dogs sprang towards me, and then raced off towards the old castle ruins.

"Unconsciously I followed in their track, walking half in my sleep, for the atmosphere of the sick room was still acting upon my senses.

"A mouldering scent of fading weeds and weather-beaten stones wafted towards me from the brickwork. An old porch spread its arch over me. I stepped into the interior. The walls towered up black all round me, the dark sky looked down upon them with its bluish lights.

"Then not far from me I saw a dark figure, the outlines of which I recognised at once, crouching among the loose stones.

"'Robert!' I call out, astonished.

"He jumped up. 'Olga?' he cried in answer. 'Do you bring bad news?'

"'Not so.' say I, 'your uncle, the doctor, sent me out, and----' then suddenly I feel as if the ground were giving way beneath my feet.

"'Take care!' I hear his warning voice, but already I am sinking, together with the crumbling stones, about a man's length down into the darkness.

"'For Heaven's sake, do not stir!' he shouts after me, 'else you will fall still further down.'

"Half-dazed, I lean against the side of the pit. At my feet gleams a narrow strip of earth, on which I am standing; beyond that it goes down into black, unfathomable depths.

"I see him near me, climbing down after me slowly and carefully on the steps of a flight of stairs as it seems.

"'Where are you?' he shouts, and at the same I feel his hand groping for me.

"Then I throw myself towards him, and cling to his neck. At the same moment I feel myself lifted high up and resting upon his breast. It appeared to me as if my veins had been opened, as if in delightful lassitude I felt my warm life's blood flowing away over me.

"His breath wafted hotly into my face. For a moment it seemed to me as if he had softly kissed my forehead.... Then we returned to the manor house without speaking. I moved away from his side as far as I could, but in my heart was the jubilant thought, 'He has held me in his arms.'

"On the threshold of the sick room the old physician came towards us, gave us both his hands and said, 'She is keeping up better, children, than I had expected.'

"Within my heart was rejoicing, 'He has held me in his arms.'

* * * * *

"And now that night! Even now every minute stands up like a fury before me, and glares at me with fiery eyes! That night will I conjure up as one calls up spirits from the grave, that their witness may animate anew long forgotten bloodguiltiness! What crime did I commit? _None_. My hands are clean. And on that great morning, when our works shall be tried in the balance, I might fearlessly step up to the Throne of the Most High and say, 'Clothe me in the whitest raiment, fasten upon my shoulders the most delicate pair of swan's wings, and let me sit in the front row, for I have a good voice, which only requires a certain amount of practice to do honour to Paradise!' But there are crimes, unaccomplished, unuttered, which penetrate the soul like the breath of infection, and poison it in its very essence, till the body too perishes under its influence.

"It was a night almost like the present one. The moist autumn wind swept past the house in short gusts, and caught itself in the half leafless crests of the poplars, which bowed towards each other and entwined amid creaking and rustling. Not a star was in the sky; but an undefinable gleaming brought into notice dark masses of torn clouds, which sped along as if in rags. The nightlight would not burn; its flickering flame struggled with the shadows which danced incessantly over the bed and the walls. The ivy wreath hung opposite me, looking black and jagged like a crown of thorns.

"It was about ten o'clock when Martha commenced to be delirious.

"She raised herself up in bed and said in a clear, audible voice, 'I must really get up now--it is too bad!'

"At first joy suffused my face, for I thought she had regained consciousness. 'Martha!' I jumped up and grasped her hand.

"'I have put everything out in readiness--shirts and stockings and shoes, so that a blind man could find them in his sleep. And you need not take any measurements either--make no compliments--make no compliments.' And all the time she stared at me with glassy eyes, as if she saw a ghost; then suddenly she uttered a piercing shriek and cried, 'Roll the stones away from my body they are crushing me. Why have you buried me under stones?'

"I took the thinnest sheet I could find and spread it over her in place of the coverlet; but even that brought her no relief. She screamed and talked incessantly, and between whiles she muttered eagerly to herself, like one who is learning something off by heart.

"Like this an hour must have passed. I sat in front of my table and stared at her; for I was in a ferment of terror lest any moment might bring some new, still more horrible development. From time to time, when she calmed down a little, I felt my limbs relax; then I closed my eyes and let myself sink back, and each time I had the sensation as if I were sinking into Robert's arms. But there hardly remained even a dull feeling, as if I were thereby committing any wrong; my weariness was too intense. I also had a sensation as if bubbles were bursting in my head, and roses opening out and always putting forth new wreaths of blossoms; then again there was a hissing sound from one ear to the other, as if some one had run a fuse right through my head and lighted it.

"In this condition of nervous over-excitement, tossed hither and thither between terrified starting up and relaxation, Robert found me, when, towards midnight, he entered the room. He had intended to lie down on his bed for a short time, and then to watch for the rest of the night together with me; but Martha's screams had scared him too.

"When I saw him, all my exhaustion was as if wiped away; I felt how a new stream of blood shot through my body, and I jumped up to go towards him.

"'Try to rest a little.' he said, looking down at me with tired, swollen eyes; 'you will require all your strength.'

"I shook my head and pointed to my sister, who was just flinging her hands about, as if in her delirium she were trying to tear me from his side.

"'You are right,' he continued. 'Who could be calm enough to rest with this picture before his eyes.' And then he planted himself with clasped hands in front of the bed, bent down towards her and imprinted a soft kiss upon her wax-like forehead.

"'That is how he kissed me too!' a voice within me cried.

"Thereupon he sat down at the foot of the bed, so close to my chair that the arm which he rested upon the slab of the table almost touched my shoulder.

"With the gloomy brooding of despair he stared across at her.

"'Come to yourself, Robert!' I whispered to him, 'all may be well yet.'

"He laughed grimly. 'What do you mean by "well"?' he cried; 'that she should remain alive and drag herself about with her sickly frame and crushed spirit, as a burden to herself and to others? Do you not know that these are the alternatives between which we have to choose?'