Chapter 2

Roger: That's not it. But a little farther off. The one with the big gatehouse which is right next to the other one. Well, it's a little behind that on the next street. Cattycornered to it.

Richly: I don't see that one from here.

Roger: I can't help that.

Richly: Isn't that the home of Mrs. Prim?

Roger: Right. Mrs. Prim. Couldn't remember her name. Good buy, isn't it?

Richly: Absolutely. But why did the stupid woman sell off her inheritance?

Roger: One can't foresee everything that will happen in life as the philosophers say. She's been very unfortunate--she's gone plum crazy.

Richly: Gone crazy?

Roger: Raving. Her family tried to stop her. And her son who is a rake gave his house for a fraction of the money hers was worth.

(Low) I'm getting in deeper and deeper.

Richly: But she doesn't have any son that I know of.

Roger: She doesn't have a son?

Richly: No. I'm sure of it.

Roger: Must have been her daughter then.

Richly: I'm irritated by this mischance. But I've amused myself long enough. Open the door for me, will you?

Roger: (low) Ouf! Now we've reached the crisis.

Richly: What's the matter? Has something happened to my son?

Roger: No, sir.

Richly: Has someone stolen something in my absence?

Roger: Not at all.

(Low) What will I tell him?

Richly: Explain everything. Speak.

Roger: I an hardly keep from crying. Don't go in, sir. Your house--this dear house--which you love--has for the last six months--

Richly: Well--my house--for the last six months--

Roger: The devil is haunting the place, sir. He made us take up residence elsewhere.

Richly: The devil is in my house?

Roger: Yes, sir. Haunts the place. In fact, that's what has forced your son to buy another house. We couldn't live there any more.

Richly: You're kidding me. It isn't possible.

Roger: There's no sort of malicious trick they haven't put on me. Sometimes they mock me when I'm unable to move my feet. Sometimes they shave my beard with a red hot razor--and without fail every night they affront me with the stench of sulfur.

Richly: And now I say again, you're putting me on.

Roger: Not at all, sir. What hasn't happened to me? We've brought the best exorcists in London. There's no way to force them out; this spirit is furiously tenacious--he's the one that possesses women when they have the devil in them.

Richly: A horrible thought has occurred to me. Tell me, I beg you, have they been in the wine cellar?

Roger: Alas, sir, they forage everywhere.

Richly: I am lost. I buried fifty thousand pounds in that wine cellar.

Roger: Fifty thousand pounds! Sir, there are fifty thousand pounds in your house?

Richly: In the wine cellar.

Roger: In the wine cellar. That's exactly where they hold their Sabbath.-- Oh, if only we had known this. And where in the wine cellar if you please?

Richly: To the left as you enter. Under a big block of stone near the door.

Roger: Fifty thousand pounds under a big block of stone! You should have told us--we could have saved you from this unlucky pass. It's on the left as you go in, you say.

Richly: Yes. The place is easy to find.

Roger: I'll easily find it. But you know, sir, that it's worth your life-- you're risking your neck to go in there? And the whole sum is in gold?

Richly: All in pure gold.

Roger: (aside) Good. Easier to carry.

(Aloud) Oh, as to that, sir, since we know the cause of the evil it won't be hard to find a remedy. I believe we'll--manage. Leave it to me.

Richly: I have trouble believing all you tell me. You tell me so many stories about these matters that I don't know what to believe. I'll trust you for now, but I'll find out what's what. What reversals one sees in life! One can't make a little money without men or the devil trying to get it away from you. The devil is not going to have it!

(Exit Richly)

(Enter Lucy)

Lucy: Ah, my poor Roger. Is it true that Mr. Edward's father has returned?

Roger: Only too true, but to console us, I have found a treasure.

Lucy: A treasure?

Roger: In the wine cellar, as you enter--to the left under a large black stone--a sack which contains fifty thousand pounds.

Lucy: Fifty thousand pounds.

Roger: Yes, child, and I tell you that will be plenty--run find the sack, the sack--hurry!

Lucy: But--

Roger: The devil take you with your buts. Mr. Richly will return. Save yourself--hide, quickly. To the treasure. To the treasure.

(Exit Lucy)

We are about to have a nice explanation. Now to navigate your ship and bring it into port.

(Reenter Richly)

Richly: You see I wasn't long. I found my porters near here and I've told them to wait because it seems a good idea to store my goods in the house my son has bought.

Roger: A new fix!

Richly: I don't recognize the place too well, so you can take me there yourself.

Roger; I want to, sir, but--

Richly: But what! The Devil isn't master there, too, is he?

Roger: Mrs. Prim is still living there.

Richly: Still living there?

Roger: Yes, indeed. It's agreed that she will stay out her term, and--as her mind is weak--she gets in a furious state whenever anyone talks to her about vacating. She's really crazy, you see.

Richly: I'll talk to her in a way that will calm her down.

Roger: You!

(Aside) All is lost.

Richly: You're making me very impatient. I absolutely want to speak to her, I tell you.

Roger: Well, in that case--talk to her--because happily, here she comes. But remember she's a basket case.

Mrs. Prim: (entering) Well, here's Mr. Richly returned, it seems.

Roger: (low to Mrs. Prim) Yes, Madam, indeed it is he--but he's lost his wits. His ship was wrecked and he drank salt water. It turned his head.

Mrs. Prim: What a shame--the poor man!

Roger: If he happens by chance to accost you, he may say something odd. Don't pay any attention. We're going to have him locked up.

(To Richly) If you speak to her, have a little patience with her weakness. Think of her as a clock that's a bit cuckoo.

Richly: Leave her to me.

Mrs. Prim: There's something strange and distracted about his manner.

Richly: How her looks have changed. She has haggard eyes.

Mrs. Prim: Well--it's Mr. Richly. You've come back to England, eh?

Richly: Ready to render you my devoirs.

Mrs. Prim: I'm very distressed about the misfortune you've suffered.

Richly: I have to be patient. They say devils are occupying my house. But it will be all right after we kick them out. They'll be worn out staying there.

Mrs. Prim: (aside) Devils in his house! I'd better not contradict him, it might make him worse.

Richly: I'd like, madam, to store some packages that I brought back with me in your house.

Mrs. Prim: (aside) He doesn't realize that his ship was wrecked. What a pity.

(Aloud) I am at your service and my house is more yours than mine.

Richly: Oh, madam, I have no intention of abusing you of the condition you are in.

(To Roger) But really, Roger, this woman is not as crazy as you said she was.

Roger: She has a few good moments--but it won't last.

Richly: Tell me, Mrs. Prim, have you always been as wise and as reasonable as you are now?

Mrs. Prim: I don't think anybody, Mr. Richly, has ever seen me otherwise.

Richly: But it that's so your family shouldn't have you locked up.

Mrs. Prim: Locked up--me--have me locked up?

Richly: (aside) She's totally unaware of her illness.

Mrs. Prim: But if you are not ordinarily more crazy than at present, I think it's very wrong you should be put away.

Richly: Me put away?

(Aside) Now she's out of whack; there it is, there it is. Let's change the subject.

(Aloud) Well, is it that you're irritated about their selling your house?

Mrs. Prim: They sold my house?

Richly: At least it's better that my son bought it at a bargain price.

Mrs. Prim: My poor Mr. Richly. My house hasn't been sold, and it's not for sale.

Richly: There! There! Don't upset yourself, I promise you you will always have your apartment--just as if you still owned it--and as if you were in good mental health.

Mrs. Prim: What do you mean as if I was still in good mental health! Go away, you're an old madman, an old madman who shouldn't be allowed out of Bedlam--of Bedlam, my friend.

Roger: (To Mrs. Prim) Are you wise to fight with a wacko?

Richly: Oh, if that's your attitude, you can get out. The house belongs to me, and I'll put my luggage there in spite of you. Just look at this crazy old woman.

Roger: (To Richly) What are you getting in a rage for with a woman who has lost her mind?

Mrs. Prim: Just try. I'll be waiting for you. Back to your padded cell you lunatic! Hurry and lock him up, he's becoming dangerous, I'm warning you.

(Exit Mrs. Prim in a huff)

Roger: (aside) I don't quite know how I am going to get out of this.

Squire: (entering from the house) What's all this hullabaloo? Beating on an honest man's door and scandalizing the neighborhood?

Richly: Roger, what's going on?

Roger: The devils in your house are a little drunk. They frolic in the wine cellar.

Richly: Some kind of swindle is afoot, I'm sure of it.

Squire: They say the master of this house has just returned from a long sea voyage--would you be he by any chance?

Richly: Yes, sir, I am he.

Squire: I congratulate you, sir. That was a beautiful trip and a wonderful lesson for a young man. You must know, sir, that your son has been learning wonderful manners while you were gone. Really fine manners. The boy is very generous. Doesn't resemble you at all. You are a villain, sir.

Richly: Sir, sir!

Roger: These teasing devils are insolent.

Richly: You are a rogue.

Squire: We were very upset, very worried--full of concern over your return. In your absence your son was ready to kill himself from malaise. In truth, he disliked everything in life. He gave up all his vanities. Everything that could attach him to this earth: wealth, furniture, honors. This boy loves you so much it's unbelievable.

Roger: He would have died of worry during your absence if it hadn't been for this honest gentleman.

Richly: He! How is it you're in my house, sir, if you please?

Squire: Don't you understand without my telling you? I've just drunk champagne in the best company. He's still feasting which is the best way possible for him to comfort himself in your absence.

Richly: This swindler will ruin me. I'm going in.

Roger: Stop! I will not allow you to enter.

Richly: I can't go in to my own house?

Squire: No. The company is not ready to receive you.

Richly: What do you mean?

Squire: It wouldn't be proper for a son who knows how to live and who has been learning manners from me to receive his father in a house which has nothing in it but the four walls.

Richly: What--four walls? My beautiful paintings which cost me three thousand pounds--are they gone?

Squire: We got eighteen hundred for them. Not a bad sale.

Richly: Not a bad sale. Masterpieces like that.

Squire: Bah! The subject was lugubrious. The fall of Troy with a villainous wooden horse that had neither mouth nor tail. We made a friend out of the buyer.

Richly: Ah, gallowsbird.

Squire: Weren't there a couple of other paintings that represented something?

Richly: Oh, yes. They were originals by a master some think to be Leonardo-- they represented the Rape of the Sabines.

Squire: Right. We got rid of them, too--because of delicacy of conscience.

Richly: Delicacy of conscience!

Squire: A wise, virtuous, religious man like Mr. Richly--and to have immodest nude Sabine women about him--fie! Nudity is not for the young.

(Reenter Mrs. Prim)

Mrs. Prim: Ah, truly, I have just been warned of some nice business, Mr. Richly. They say your son is marrying my niece.

Richly: I don't know about your niece, but my son is a rogue, Mrs. Prim.

Roger: Yes, a rake who has led me astray and who has caused--

Squire: Let's not complain about each other or speak ill of those who are not present. One shouldn't condemn people without hearing them first. Pay attention, if you please, Mr. Richly. You've got to look on the bright side. If you are happy, the whole world will be happy. Besides, it's not your fault. And you can't do anything about it but kick up a fuss. If you are patient no one will laugh at you.

Richly: Go to the devil with your sophistries. But what do I see. They're running off with my fifty thousand pounds.

Mrs. Prim: It's that bitch of a Lucy and my niece.

Richly: And my swindler son.

(Enter Edward and the others)

Edward: Daddy, it's no longer necessary to abuse your credulity. All this has been due to the zeal of Roger to keep you out of the house while I married Belinda. I ask you to pardon my past behaviour. Bless this marriage, I beg you.

(Low) Then you can have your fifty thousand back, and I promise to be better in the future.

Richly: Ah, gallowsbird, do you mock me?

Roger: It's true, sir.

Mrs. Prim: Belinda is my niece--and if your son has married her, I'll give her a dowry which will satisfy you.

Richly: Can you do that? Aren't you under restraint?

Roger: That was only my trick.

Richly: What the house--?

Roger: Part of the same thing.

Richly: What a misfortune! But if you will give me my money back, I've got enough sense of humor to give my consent, if you want it. It's the only way to prevent worse from happening.

Squire: Well, said. That pleases me. Shake, Mr. Richly--you're a brave man. I want to drink with you. Let's go back in and have more to drink and eat. You know it was a lucky thing you came just in time for the wedding.

CURTAIN

End of Project Gutenberg's The Unforseen Return, by Jean-Francois Regnard