Chapter 1

Produced by Dagny and Frank J. Morlock

This Etext is for private use only. No republication for profit in print or other media may be made without the express consent of the Copyright Holder. The Copyright Holder is especially concerned about performance rights in any media on stage, cinema, or television, or audio or any other media, including readings for which an entrance fee or the like is charged. Permissions should be addressed to: Frank Morlock, 6006 Greenbelt Rd, #312, Greenbelt, MD 20770, USA or [email protected]. Other works by this author may be found at http://www.cadytech.com/dumas/personnage.asp?key=130

THE TRIPLE MARRIAGE

BY

DESTOUCHES

Translated and Adapted

By Frank J. Morlock C 1982

CHARACTERS:

Mr. Matthews, an old man Elizabeth, his daughter Walter, his son Mr. Manly, Elizabeth's husband Anna, Elizabeth's maid The Countess Polly, Walter's wife Sophie, Matthew's wife Trim, Walter's valet Jeremy, Manly's valet Belinda, a little girl about ten years of age Mr. Nugent A troop of dancers

Scene: A room in Matthews' house.

Matthews No, I cannot be perfectly happy. I had a wife and she died. Out of decency, I mourned her. Secretly, I rejoiced to be delivered from a tyrant who controlled my slightest breath and wanted to rule my inclinations after twenty years of marriage. I thought her death would leave me free.-- Now, I am a slave to my children, who force me to go against my own wishes, and to preserve decency, without which I dare not proceed. I have to be careful my affairs are not noised about all over town. I have a son who is bigger than I am: what a mortification for a father who doesn't wish to renounce the world! I have a sweet and pretty daughter--who doesn't want to be a nun. So, to preserve decency, I have to marry her off. What an aggravating necessity for a father who loves his own comfort more than his daughter! What role should I play?-- For the time being better keep them amused, so as to have time to arrange matters in the way I wish.

(Enter Anna.)

Anna What's going on, sir? I've just seen I don't know how many men down there getting drunk. What guzzlers! They've already emptied more than thirty bottles, and they complain they are dying of thirst. Who are they?

Matthews They're dancers and musicians.

Anna They drink like marines.

Matthews Well, aren't they doing their job?

Anna Only when they drink at somebody else's expense. I ought to watch them. But, sir, if you please, why have you brought this bacchanalia into your home? Are you giving a ball tonight?

Matthews Yes, child, I intend to give a kind of ball tonight, or rather a little concert mixed with dancing. That's what I brought these musicians and dancers for.

Anna Better take away the drink then, for if they continue as they've begun, you will have to carry them home.

Matthews Never mind, don't worry about it--the more they drink, the better they sound.

Anna Well done! And how were you able to bring yourself to have such a party--you, a sworn enemy to such diversions?

Matthews I have reasons for it which everyone will learn before long. Besides, as my daughter is a little bored, I thought a little diversion like this would cheer her up.

Anna It's true that music and dancing are pleasant, but I don't think this is exactly what your daughter needs to get her health back.

Matthews Oh, I see where you're coming from. You mean she needs a husband!

Anna Without a doubt. A husband is a sort of prescription medicine for a languishing daughter.

Matthews I know my daughter: she's very virtuous.

Anna Does it mean you can't want a husband because you're virtuous? On the contrary, it's her virtue which makes an honest girl want a husband. Those who are not so scrupulous have an easier time of it. I am going to prove that to you.

Matthews I don't need your proofs.

Anna Suppose, for example, you had walked a long, hot road in the summer heat.

Matthews Well?

Anna And that you were expressly forbidden to drink until you arrived at a resting place where they were waiting for you with agreeable refreshments.

Matthews What an idea!

Anna If you weren't forbidden, wouldn't you stop at an inn on the way? You wouldn't be in such a hurry to get there if you hadn't scrupulously observed the rule against drinking.

Matthews I'll agree to that.

Anna That's the exact picture of a young, emancipated woman. Elizabeth, on the other hand, is a traveler who observes the rules with such a scrupulous exactitude that she's reduced to the last extremity. Sir, remember, one cannot always withstand thirst, so it's unwise to put a young girl in the need of refreshing herself along the way by extending the journey.

Matthews You're wasting your breath, I don't believe that eagerness to get it has caused Elizabeth's sickness.

Anna Now, the doctors have lost their Latin for it, or rather, it's a miracle that despite their remedies she's still alive in such a perilous state.-- I am not going to stop! She sighs night and day; she cries often; she falls in a languor--in a prostration which makes one fear for her life. Damn, sir, I know what I'm talking about. These are symptoms of an illness caused by love.

Matthews You think she has some inclination in her heart?

Anna I have not a doubt of it.

Matthews Come on, come on, that cannot be. I am sure she herself doesn't know what an inclination is.

Anna Ignorant at twenty-five in an age when girls are so precocious! Really, you cannot be so blind.

Matthews I forbid you to say a word of this to her. You'll make her have ideas she doesn't have.

Anna Oh, I wager she has an imagination more vivid than mine.

Matthews I am going to plan this evening's party.

(Exit Matthews.)

Anna Useless for him to dissemble; my speech exposed him, but I dare not yet hope--

(Enter Elizabeth.)

Elizabeth Has my father gone? What did you tell him?

Anna We spoke about your illness. We both rejoiced over your improvement.

Elizabeth That was all?

Anna You want to know if he spoke about your getting married?

Elizabeth Shouldn't I think of it?

Anna True, you're still a girl--and when one remains a virgin so long, one runs the risk of remaining one forever. I've offered your father some pretty thoughts on the matter.

Elizabeth Did he seem to you more favorably disposed to my wishes?

Anna Not at all. He believes you're still a child, and that you can no more think of marriage than your sister Belinda.

Elizabeth My mother warned me that if she died first, I would run the risk of not being married for a long time.

Anna We indeed see the fulfillment of her prophecy. Death--miss! We must make an effort.

Elizabeth What do you think I should do?

Anna Tell your father how you feel. Tell him outright that he is stupidly deceived in the opinion he has of you--and that you're too much of a woman to remain a virgin much longer.

Elizabeth I would never have the courage to tell him such a thing.

Anna Then you must have the courage NOT to marry, and to wait patiently for the old man to die.

Elizabeth I've made up my mind about that.

Anna You could do something to help yourself, but you will never have the courage to do it.

Elizabeth What could I do?

Anna Cast your spell over some honest man, agree together, and marry secretly.

Elizabeth You give me advice like that?

Anna My word, Miss, one has to help save your life. When a father pays no attention to your needs--it is permitted to take care of oneself, if one can do it honorably. Don't waste your time pretending, I am sure you love Manly.

Elizabeth I would have a lot to tell you if I were sure of your discretion.

Anna I'm a woman, but I can keep a secret. And, if you doubt it, I don't want to know anything.

Elizabeth After all the proofs you've given me of your affection, I am sure you wouldn't want me to be lost--and lost I will be, if you tell anyone what I am about to confide in you.

Anna I swear to you that your interests are more dear to me than my own.

Elizabeth First of all, I swear to you that I love Manly with all my heart.

Anna I never doubted that for a minute.

Elizabeth And, I have promised to love him all my life.

Anna You shouldn't make such a promise; a girl should never pin herself down like that.

Elizabeth (puzzled) Why?

Anna Because a hundred to one, she will be unable to keep her word.

Elizabeth I will keep mine with Manly.

Anna (maliciously) You don't intend to marry him then?

Elizabeth To the contrary, I've promised never to marry anyone else.

Anna My word, Miss, love and marriage have been divorced for a long time and have sworn never to live together. I hold their oaths are more likely to be kept than yours.

Elizabeth Stop joking; Manly and I have found a way to keep in touch.

Anna I wish it. Is that all you have to tell me?

Elizabeth I tremble to tell you the rest.

Anna Oh! Oh! I'm afraid you've quenched your thirst en route.

Elizabeth What do you meant by that?

Anna You know what I mean by it.-- Continue!

Elizabeth As Manly is my equal in birth, and besides has a considerable fortune, we agreed that one of his friends should go to my father without naming Manly as the person in question, to find out if my father would be willing to give me in marriage to a person who is perfectly suited to me.

Anna Good.

Elizabeth I cannot tell you how coldly he was received. In a word, my father absolutely refused everybody who was named.

Anna Death! There's a father who deserves a daughter who will marry herself.

Elizabeth Would you do such a thing?

Anna Me? Ten times!

Elizabeth Well, my poor Anna, I have already taken your advice. We've already secretly married-- My aunt witnessed it at her house, where I am able to meet Manly. Unfortunately, my happiness won't last long. My father is alarmed at the frequent visits I make to my aunt. He has ordered me not to go there and has forbidden Manly to come here. I am in despair and my fret has throne me into a sickness I think I'll die of.

Anna I am delighted to know all this-- And I want to help you-- But what do I see?

(Enter Manly and Jeremy dressed as dancers.)

Jeremy Come, sir, courage, we must kiss the hands of those two young ladies.

Manly Shut up, you rogue, and think of showing some respect.

Jeremy My word, I'm a little drunk. Drinking and respectfulness do not keep the same company.

Manly I fear this bibbler will ruin my plans. What a misfortune to have need of you.

Elizabeth Anna, who are these people?

Anna They are two of the dancers your father has brought. They are dressed to amuse, apparently.

Jeremy Yes, my ladies, we come to give you a little moment of sport.

Anna I know that mug!

Jeremy Mug! Oh! Mug yourself!

Manly (to Jeremy) Will you shut up?

Elizabeth What do I hear? It's Manly's voice-- It's Manly that I see. Ah, Heaven!

Manly Don't be frightened, Elizabeth. Yes, it is Manly who presents himself to you, and who cuts through insurmountable obstacles to obtain the pleasure of seeing you.

Elizabeth You couldn't surprise me more agreeably. My joy is so great that I can hardly speak. But my happiness is cruelly crossed by the fact that my father will discover you.

Manly I beg you not to worry; this disguise hides me from his eyes so effectively that he has no idea I am here--besides, he's seen me too infrequently to spot me in this get-up.

Elizabeth And how did you get in?

Manly I sent the dancers and musicians to your home and paid them some money to introduce me as one of their comrades. I thought it was wise that Jeremy play a role, too. Jeremy doesn't dance badly, and I only do passably well--and we ought to appear indistinguishable in the little divertissement that is being prepared.

Anna And, how can Jeremy help you? He is so drunk that he doesn't know what's going on.

Jeremy Don't worry, I'm never better than when I'm drunk. On my oath, I was born to be a musician.

Anna It would seem so. You're well adapted to your part.

Elizabeth This man will infallibly give you away.

Jeremy Eh! What a thing to say! Don't I know that your father is a brute who refuses to see my master--and that my master has a passion that forces him to see you despite your father. Therefore, for that reason, it follows--that my master must see you without your father seeing him. And me, like a discreet confidant,--it follows that I must see you both while seeing nothing. Go, children, profit by the opportunity. Two make a party. Have a nice time together while I amuse myself with this hussy.

Elizabeth Your valet makes me terribly nervous.

Manly Rogue! If you give me away, I will give you a hell of a beating when we are outside-- I cannot live without seeing you, my dear Elizabeth.

Jeremy Nor I, without kissing you, my dear Anna.

Manly I will enjoy the happiness heaven grants me now, knowing the perfect felicity will be followed by a long period of sighing. But don't make me worry for your life, that is the bounty that I beg on my knees.

Elizabeth Yes, I promise you, I'll be all right. Manly, get up--if you are caught in that position all will be lost.

Manly No--I won't get up until you swear to me.

Anna Peace! I hear someone.

(Enter Belinda, about ten years old.)

Belinda Ah, ah, my sister, I caught you at it. A man at your feet. It's very cute--really, ha, ha, ha.

Elizabeth Oh, I am in despair. She will tell everything to my father.

Jeremy Plague on the little critter.

Anna What do you want here, Miss?

Belinda You don't think of me. You each have one of your own, but you leave me without one.

Elizabeth What are you getting at, little scatterbrain?

Belinda Hey, yes, yes, little scatterbrain. This gentleman here didn't whisper sweet nothings in your ear--and this one didn't kiss Anna? Mere tricks!

Jeremy What do you want, little girl? If I understand you, I will give you a spanking.

Belinda A spanking. Ah, ah--listen.

Jeremy Yes, a spanking. Come one, bring me a switch right away.

Belinda Look at this drunk who wants to give me a whipping.

Jeremy Drunk! This little minx is too smart to live.

Anna Listen, little girl! Don't go telling stupid stories. It's your father himself who invited these gentlemen.

Belinda I am well aware he invited them. But to dance, not make love.

Elizabeth What? You have the impudence--

Belinda Come on, come on. I already know about THINGS. To be languorous, to throw himself at your feet, to kiss your hands tenderly, to cast dying looks--they call that making love--and I know perfectly well.

Manly This little creature is very dangerous!

Belinda I also caught my father doing the same thing this morning.

Anna Your father?

Belinda Yes, indeed. He was decked out like a young man. I didn't say anything to him about it, but I watched him carefully.-- When I'm big, I will remind him of it if he should try to prevent me from taking a lover.

Anna Here's the most naughty little pest I've ever known.

Belinda You're really irritated, aren't you, at what I've found out--for I can make you furious and revenge myself on my sister who treats me like a child, and who wants to be married before me.

Elizabeth Well, you can get married first. Don't say anything.

Belinda Good! I will marry first. You have the patience to wait till then? Come, come, sister, marry this gentleman quickly--then they will soon give me a chance to choose one for myself.

Elizabeth Didn't I tell you that this gentleman is a dancer, and that I don't find him attractive?

Belinda Hey, yes! A dancer! What a dancer!

Anna Certainly.

Belinda It's no use for him to hide behind his mask.

Elizabeth Go on, you're crazy.

Belinda Hey, no. I didn't see him down there drinking with the musicians; I didn't listen to him when he wasn't aware of it. He told them he'd give them plenty of money if they would pretend he was one of them-- that he would be so upset, so upset, if my father saw him. Oh, if he's so afraid of my father, then he must be your lover--for my father doesn't want you to have any lovers. He's very wrong, because I think this is very amusing.

Elizabeth How miserable I am!

Belinda Go, go, fear nothing, sister, put your affairs in repose. I will prevent papa from coming here when he gets back--but, on the condition that you will help me when I get big.

Elizabeth I swear it.

Anna Me, too.

(Exit Belinda.)

Anna That little girl promises much. A ten year old to discover a secret intrigue!

Elizabeth I swear to you that I'm terribly nervous and I believe that although you just got here, it would be better for you to leave.

Anna And I, for one, think it isn't necessary. Count on Belinda saying nothing. Wait till she gets married. What a talent for pacifying a jealous husband. The man will be lost--for husbands in this country are the nicest in the world and it doesn't take much skill to trap them.

Elizabeth Anna, really!--it would be better if you kept your mind on how to help us, instead of giving vent to such silly ideas!

Anna As you like. I am going to tell that precocious little girl not to say a word to your father.

Elizabeth I will be very much obliged to you.

Anna On my word, here he is himself.

Elizabeth Oh, we are discovered.

Jeremy Watch yourselves carefully.

(Enter Mr. Matthews.)

Matthews Good day, my dear, how are you feeling?

Elizabeth Not very ill today, papa.

Anna I wager it was Miss Belinda who sent you here.

Matthews Oh no, she didn't want me to come. She told me Elizabeth had left with you to take a walk in the Park.

Anna That is what we spoke of doing in front of her, but Miss Elizabeth changed her mind because she is a little indisposed--and because she really loves dancing. I brought these gentlemen here while waiting for your little show.

Matthews You did very well.

Anna They are dressed to play a very exciting part.

Matthews They both look good.

Jeremy Sir, in all modesty, we are very light on our feet. (falling drunkenly on Matthews)

Matthews Not so light, it would seem.

Anna They are so drunk, both of them, that they haven't the strength to dance two steps. I told you exactly what would happen.

Jeremy Frankly, Mr. Matthews, you really have the finest wine to be had in London, and if I weren't as sober as I am, I would be of half a mind to take good care of it.

Matthews It seems to me, you haven't been too thrifty with it.

Jeremy The better to amuse you. Wine gives me a strength, a suppleness. Would you like to dance a little entrée with me, Mr. Matthews?

Matthews No, no, my boy, you will do better to go sleep and wait till everybody's come.

Jeremy You are a man of good counsel. Agreed! To sleep.

Matthews I believe this one is not so drunk as the other fellow, because he doesn't say a word.

Jeremy He doesn't think the less. My master has a sad mind.

Matthews What--his master?

Jeremy Hey, yes, sure! I am only his assistant. Wait till you see him. He's the best fellow in the world, and if you wish he will demonstrate with your daughter.

Matthews Do you feel like trying it with him?

Elizabeth I wouldn't dare suggest it to you, papa, but if you wish it, it would give me the greatest pleasure in the world.

Matthews I retained you to show my daughter. She already has had good instruction.

Jeremy So much the better. My master always wishes to add to his scholars.

Manly (pretending to be drunk) Don't worry. I will impart to her all my--hic--skills.

Matthews As soon as you can, I beg you. I've just decided to marry her off--and I want her to dance at her wedding.

Anna And, to whom are you planning to marry her, if you please?

Matthews To one of my best friends--we were students together.

Anna With one of your school mates! Really, you're joking.

Matthews What! Didn't you just tell me a little while ago that she needs a husband?

Anna Yes, sir. But believe me--but my word, will a man who was your school mate be capable of restoring her to health?

Matthews Mr. Nugent offers to take her without a dowry. I like that idea. He's coming here immediately, and I had better get ready to see him.

(Exit Matthews.)

Jeremy Madame Nugent, I am your very humble servant.

Manly Double crosser! Is now a time to joke?

Elizabeth Ah, Manly, what will become of us?

Elizabeth Anna, help us with your advice.

Anna I'm as flabbergasted as you, and what has just been said makes me even more so.

Elizabeth Ah, if only my brother Walter were here! He loves me and father really cares about him. We could confide our secret to him and he would be able to help us. But he's been in the country for the last eight days and we don't know when he'll be back.

Jeremy My God, what a mess you're in. But, I've found a way to get you out of it.

Manly What good can you do us in the state you're in?

Jeremy Wine gives me wit.-- Silence, I am going to speak.

Manly Let's see.

Jeremy First of all, Miss Elizabeth must explain to her father, and do so with great discretion and charm: Dear father, you don't know what you're saying or doing.

Anna Beautiful beginning.

Jeremy And secondly, you must speak to this old scholar who wants to marry Miss Elizabeth.

Manly Well, what do I tell him?

Jeremy You will beg him very kindly (for I wish to be kind to everybody) to leave here as fast as he can, but on the condition that he never return.

Manly Nice thing to say.

Jeremy So much the better if things fall out so that you don't have to do anything.

Manly What's so much the better?

Jeremy Yes, indeed. We won't soon be defeated. Because if he refuses to leave by the door, we must throw him out the window.

Manly Oh, shut up, stupid--leave us alone so we can consider.

(Trim's voice: Tally-ho!)

Anna I hear someone. It sounds like Trim.

Elizabeth If it's Trim, my brother isn't far away.

Anna Return to your room, Miss Elizabeth. You, gentlemen, go join your pretended comrades. I wish to sound out Trim and learn from him whether or not Walter has some inclination. In that case, you have common interests, and I plan to unite them to upset your father's plans.

Elizabeth Good idea. We must let her try. Her efforts may be useful to us.

Manly You can count on being rewarded in proportion to the degree your services prove useful to us.

(Enter Trim, dressed for the hunt, with a hunting horn.)

Trim Tally-ho! Tally-ho!

Anna Eh! What's the reason for all this hunting noise? Have you lost your mind, my boy?

Trim No, my dear. I am just as clever as usual. Is Mr. Matthews home?

Anna No.

Trim Are you positive?

Anna Absolutely certain! He would be very angry at your making such a racket.

Trim (walking about the stage) Tally-ho! Tally-ho!

Anna Ah! You'll be the death of me! Stop it, and don't bore me anymore. What devilish music is that?

Trim Do you believe that Mr. Matthews heard me?

Anna Without a doubt, and all the neighbors, too. (Trim blasts his horn) But, what do I hear? More noise of the hunt. Are we in the time of the fairies, and have I been suddenly transported into a forest?

Trim Ah, my dear, I would love to find you in the depths of a dark wood.

Anna Why? To cut my throat?

Trim No, child, you wouldn't die of it. (another blast on the horn)

Anna Why keep it up? What do you mean to do?

Trim My master is hunting in his father's antechamber.

Anna Would you mind telling me what this means?

Trim It means that we make a noise.

Anna Does your master wish to insult his father? Are you dreaming? Are you possessed?

Trim Oh, be patient, and you will learn everything.

Anna Hurry up then! What's going on?

Trim We are trying to make Mr. Matthews think we have returned from a big hunting party in the country. We have just brought two mules home laden with game.

Anna Two mules! What poachers! Did you depopulate the entire countryside?

Trim Indeed, yes. We haven't left anything in the meat shops.

Anna What the deuce are you talking about?

Trim We were not at Cliffordshire Manor as we wish to fool old man Matthews into believing. We've only been to a village half a league from London, and we haven't even killed a sparrow.