Chapter 4

A Man who keeps an Half-Crown or Twelve-penny Ordinary, looks not more for Money from his Customers, than a _Footman_ does from every Guest that dines or sups with his Master; and I question whether the one does not often think a Shilling or Half a Crown, according to the Quality of the Person, his Due as much as the other. I have seen a decay'd Gentleman of as antient and honourable a Family as any in the Kingdom, sit in great pain at a Person of Quality's Table for want of Half a Crown in his Pocket to _pay_ the _Butler_ and _Footman_ for his Dinner. And if a Person is known to fail in this respect, the next time he comes to the House, he is sure to have the _Look_ which a Court Table-keeper bestows upon a hungry Poet or an Officer in Half-pay, who shall be invited by any Gentleman-Waiter to Dinner, fix'd on him all the time he is eating.

People in the middle Station of Life must pay as regularly for their Admission to the Persons of the Great, as those do who enter into beneficial Offices and Places. I have been informed, that there is affix'd up in several Ale-houses and other publick Places where Servants resort to at the other End of the Town, a List or Table of Fees to be taken by Noblemen's _Porters_, _Footmen_, and _Valets de Chambre_, for People's having Access to their Masters, _viz_.

For a Tradesman to be heard } _l._ _s._ _d._ _vivâ voce_, upon the Subject of a } 0 10 6 large Debt of a long standing, }

For a poor Clergyman supplicating } a Chaplainship, or any other } 0 5 0 Ecclesiastical Preferment. }

For a Poet to present a Dedication 0 2 6

For a Mercer or Draper to } exhibit a choice new Pattern. } 0 2 0

For a Person's obtaining the } _Promise_ of a Place. } 0 5 0

For every Tradesman's Bill that } is suffered to lie upon the Table for } 0 1 0 my Lord and Lady's Perusal. }

For every paid-off Bill above Ten } Pounds } 0 10 0

If any Tradesman has been injuriously treated by the _Steward_ or the _House-keeper_, who seldom stand high in the Esteem of these lower Domesticks, the Fees are then dispensed with, and they are admitted _gratis_, or more properly in _forma Pauperis_, because the Complaint may prove of such a nature, as to bring about a Change in the Ministry of the House, and be the Means of an insolent, haughty, over-bearing Spirit being dismiss'd the Family, and _Te Deum_ sung in the _Kitchen_ and the other lower Offices for a Revolution _above-stairs_.

A Man stone-blind may as soon attempt to view the Sun, as a _Tradesman_ or a _Pauper_ to attempt the sight of a Great Man without paying the above Dues; for my Lord shall at one time be _very ill_, and at another _just gone out_: one Day he is _indisposed_, and _rested badly_, and another Day _better_, but _sees no Company_; and have these constant regular Intermissions of _Sickness_ and _Health_ for three or four Months together.

Sometimes _Credit_ has indeed been given in these Cases, but then they have known, and been pretty sure of their Men. A Gentleman, who had many times met with these _Put-offs_ at the Door of a Nobleman, came one day to the Porter with two Half-Crown Pieces, chinking them from one Hand to the other, upon which his Lordship happened to be _at home_. Having got his Pass to him, and done his Business, he return'd thro' the Hall with the Money in his Pocket, smiling upon the Porter, who he had thus decently deceiv'd.

A Widow, who had once sold a Fan of Half a Guinea Price to a Person of Quality, the Porter refused to let her go out of the Door without paying _her Fee_, and kept her in durance. She desired to know his Demands; he told her, a Shilling: Upon this, she gave him a Crown, bidding him give her Change, which he did. It happen'd to be a Brass Piece, which he not perceiving, the Woman got out in haste, to avoid being detected; but when she came to look on her Money, she found the Fellow had given her four Leaden Shillings in the change of it.

The Duties of Tonnage and Poundage, which the _Upper Servants_, as they call themselves, have imposed upon Tradesmen who serve the Families that entertain them, are very far from being thought sufficient and satisfactory. For besides a Butcher, Poulterer, or Fishmonger's being at the constant beck of the Clerk to a Kitchin, or the Groom of a Chamber, to follow him to a Tavern in the Morning, and bring something that's _pretty_, to compose a Breakfast for two or three hungry Fellows out of Business, as he shall have in his Company, they must, I say, moreover learn the Art of Brewing, and keep constantly a Cup of good nappy Ale in their Houses, to entertain the Cook, and all the other Gentry of the Kitchen, when they shall please to make a _Visit_. A Tradesman must lend his Money, pass his Word, stand Bail for Arrests, and Sponsor at Christenings, and now and then be a Surety to the Parish for a Bastard Child. He must do all this, and a great deal more, or else every thing he furnishes shall be found fault with: They shall tell him what application has been made by others for the Custom, what pains they have taken to defeat it, and how often they are forc'd to stand in the Gap for him, when his Goods have been complain'd of, and his Discharge actually order'd.

A Coachmaker once assured me, that he seldom made a Coach or Chariot for any Person of great Quality, but that what with the chief of the Men-servants running after himself, and the Women-servants after his Wife, he has been put to such an Expence, as would have fairly bought a pair of Horses to have drawn the Equipage.

As _many_ of our News-Papers are charged with playing _Tricks_ with the Publick, I shall make bold to mention a few of them; and they are chiefly these, _Falsity_, _Absurdity_, and _Trifling_. We are frequently amused with the _Lives_ and _Actions_ of Persons that were never _born_; and with the _Deaths_ of those that never _liv'd_; and large Estates devis'd by People that never enjoy'd them, nor indeed ever claim'd any Right so to do.

An Author, in the _Morning_, gives us an Account of the Death of a Person of Note and Eminence, whose Condition hath entitled him to a Place in his Paper; he tells us the Place, Day, Hour, and the Minute he expir'd, with a long detail of the Fortune and Merit he was possessed of. A Writer for the _Evening_ enters his _Caveat_ against some Particulars of the _Fact_, and declares his Brother hath had an _ill Information_; for that the Party did not depart at the Time mention'd in his Paper, and that himself only is in possession of the truth; and avers, that it happen'd above half an Hour after that Time, and at a different Place than what the other has reported it. The next Day a Third starts up, with a grievous Complaint of the _Town's being impos'd upon_, and triumphs in a more genuine and exact Account than either of 'em. He insists upon it, that he did not fairly leave the World till full fourteen Minutes and fifty nine Seconds after the time both the others have brought it down to; and moreover maintains, that the Demise in dispute happen'd at a Seat in the Country, and not at an House in the Town, _as has been falsly publish'd in the other Papers_.

They are now all together by the ears about settling of the _Will_, and disposing of the _Estate_. After a great deal of wrangling upon those Heads, they begin to consider that the _Corpse_ must have Christian Burial; they turn their Thoughts to that Point, and begin to settle the _Funeral_. One Author is for _its lying in State_; another will not come into it, but declares for a _private Interment_. At last a Writer _buries it in a most magnificent manner_, in a Church some Miles distant from _London_; and his Antagonist performs the _Funeral_ at another Church fifty Miles farther than that, and in a more _decent way_. Next a Paper gives us the Names of those that supported the _Pall_, together with who was the _chief Mourner_. This is so provoking to him who could not lay hold on this _Intelligence in time_, that he is resolv'd to be even with his Rival; so that the next News we hear, are the Heads of the _Sermon_ that was preach'd at the _Funeral_.

The Friends and Acquaintance of the _Deceas'd_, that may be remote from the Town, and have nothing else to govern them but these _Advices_, believe the main of them; and notwithstanding their Perplexities and Variation, all credit the _Death_ of their old _Friend_, and begin to descant on the Actions of his _Life_, some conjecturing what he must have _died worth_, and what a Man he might have been, was it not for such a Failing; and others, how long they had remembred and been acquainted with him, _&c._

When the Story has gone this length, and begins to be old, and almost obliterated, the News-Paper that was most forward in publishing it, to the astonishment of all Mankind, cries out _peccavi_, and confesses how he was _imposed on_; acknowledges _his Sorrow and Contrition_, and _heartily begs Pardon of the Publick_, _and the Person_, whom he now maintains to be _alive, and in good health_; and says, that _the Report of his Death, as publish'd in his, and_ OTHER PAPERS, is entirely _false, groundless, and without any manner of Foundation_.

There have been Instances of Women who have been frighten'd into _Miscarriages_, and some even to _Death_, at the unexpected Visits of their Friends, (whom, upon the _Credit_ of the Papers) they have verily believed to have been as really dead as their great Grandmothers were. A Lady of Quality, that is become superannuated, is not to confine herself to Books of Devotion alone; People are not born for themselves only; no, no, as ancient as she is, she must yet do some Service to the Society. Says an Author, what, Shall _her Grace_ fancy herself as hail at Fourscore as she was at Forty? Accordingly, he lends her his Hand, and she is led _very dangerously ill_ into his Paper. The next Morning he is obliged to retract it, and so the Publick are Gainers _two_ Paragraphs by it.

Nor shall a Lord _Spiritual_ or _Temporal_, that has attain'd his Grand Climacterical Year, and yet remains in a good state of Mind and Body, lie idle, but must occasionally be _extremely ill, attended by sundry Physicians_, and _given over_; when a Dearth of Tales and Tidings shall cause a Chasm in the Paper. The Persons so mention'd, read these Relations themselves, and oftentimes with much pleasure, because they receive a real Benefit by 'em: for they divert the Spleen and Vapours, natural to old Age, and so prove a happy Means of preserving them alive, much longer than some People perhaps may care for.

A noble Lord, in a high Station, that is pretty far advanced in Years, never rises from his Bed, but asks, _Am I in the Papers?_ For it has been an Observation made by most People, that his Name has been made use of for being _greatly indispos'd_; _finely mended_; _dangerously relaps'd_; _in a fair way of Recovery_; _going to, and returning from the Country_; and being _sent for by Expresses to assist at Councils_, that have not been held, and _Boards_ that have not met, _on Business of great Importance_, constantly _de Die in Diem_, in one Paper or other, for several years together.

A Man may better venture to take a Purse from a Merchant upon _Change_, than a _Judge_ to take an airing in his Coach, without being taken into _Custody_ of a News-Writer for it. I have known them give such minute Accounts of the times of the Judges _setting out_ for this Place and from that Place in their private Capacities, that some of them have actually suspended their Journeys, to prevent Highway-mens taking the Hint, and lying in ambush for them on the Roads.

I am told of a certain _Great Man_ who hath been most grosly affronted and vilify'd by _certain Papers_ from Week to Week, Month to Month, and from Year to Year, for a very long Series of Time; and who hath publickly declar'd, that nothing shall provoke him to depart from a Maxim which he has long laid down, _viz. That 'tis better one Man be perpetually abus'd, than Thousands perish_.

About _Michaelmas_, an Author has told us in _Print_, he was _assured_ that _Christmas-Day would be on the 25th of_ December _following_. If the Man has not been starv'd before the time, but surviv'd to St. _Stephen_'s Day, and seen his wonderful Prediction happen and come to pass; 'tis pleasant to observe, how he glories and exults in his next Paper, telling us, _It is agreeable to what was formerly publish'd in his, and in no other Paper_; and sets a high value on his Judgment for anticipating his Brethren, the other Writers, who look like Fools at one another, to see themselves thus jockey'd out of so _remarkable_ a piece of _Intelligence_.

One Day we are told of a _Reform_ of the _Army_, and the next of a _Promotion_ of _General Officers_. 'Tis merry enough to see a Colonel of a Regiment in a Coffee-House, reading a News-Paper, that informs him of a Gentleman being made _Lieutenant-Colonel to a Company of Foot_; and of a _General_ of _Horse_ being promoted to the Rank of _Captain-Lieutenant_ in his own Regiment; of which the Papers extant have afforded us numberless Instances. We often read of some _Duke_, who is called eldest Son and Heir apparent to a _Viscount_ or _Baron_, going to, or returning from his Travels.

A dignify'd Clergyman, who had given a few Sacks of Coals amongst some poor People in hard Weather, happen'd to come into _Brown_'s Coffee-House in _Spring-Garden_, where some of the Gentlemen cry'd out, _Doctor, you're in the Papers_. The Gentleman seem'd to be greatly surprized at the thing: _What impudent Rascal has made free with my Character?_ answers the Priest. Upon which one, with an audible Voice, read out the Paragraph, which contained nothing more than a fine Encomium on his Charity. The Doctor said, indeed there was some _Truth_ in it; but then, _how impertinent it was in any Fellow to make such a trifling Affair the Burden of his Paper_. This gave occasion for various Reflections on the Papers in general. The _Printer_ happen'd to be present, and heard himself, and others of his Fraternity abused, in this manner for some time. Several Gentlemen that were his Acquaintance, thought it far better to be silent, than to interfere in his favour, because that might tend to expose him to the Doctor's farther Clamour and Resentment. After the _Divine_ had harangued the Company with a long _Discourse_ upon the Insolence of Authors, Printers, and Publishers; the _Printer_ pull'd out of his Pocket the _Copy_ from which this _injurious Article_ had been printed, and which appear'd, to the entire Satisfaction of every one present, to be the Doctor's own Hand-Writing. The Printer further declar'd, that he knew no more of the matter, than that his Servants, in his absence, receiv'd the usual Price of three Shillings and Six-pence, for its being inserted in his Paper.

The Tricks which have been put upon the weak and credulous part of Mankind during the Drawing of the late State-Lottery by letting out what were called _Horses_ and _Chances_ to Women and Children, are wonderful. There was a Gentlewoman, not far from St. _Dunstan_'s Church in _Fleet-Street_, who having the Misfortune to fall in with the Opinion of many, that the Tickets would still come down to _Par_, had therefore neglected to provide herself till the Premiums were got so high that she chose rather than purchase a _Ticket_, to put herself _in Fortune's Way_ by _Riding_. Being recommended to the _honestest Broker_ in the _Alley_, she got _mounted_ upon a very _odd Number_, and one which had been successful in a former Lottery. She grew more familiar with Morning and Evening Prayers than ever. One day she fasted, another day feasted, and when a sturdy Beggar ask'd her Assistance, they were not put off with _You're able to work_, but were sure of Relief. Her Maids were treated as though they had been her nearest Relations, and her Children could do nothing to ruffle her Temper. In a word, she declared for nothing but Acts of Charity and Piety, and never had such a Harmony been seen before in the Family. If anyone knocked at the Door in haste, she grew pale, and was all over in a Trembling, expecting it to be the _joyful News_; and, by way of Precaution, she had spoke to a _Surgeon_ to be ready upon a short Notice, because she intended to lose _a few Ounces_, to prevent the Consequence of a _Surprize_. She kept _de die in diem_ renewing her Ticket, upon the Information of a little blind Office whither the Broker carried her, that it remain'd _undrawn_. Three Weeks past, and she could hear no Tales or Tidings of either of the _Ten Thousands_, notwithstanding the many thousand good things she vow'd to do, if Madam _Fortune_ would but for once vouchsafe to become her humble Servant; resolving not to be discouraged, because her _Dreams_ still assured that there was some good thing in store for her in the _Wheel_. She continued renewing her Ticket till the last Week of the Drawing, when being advised to consult the Register at the Lottery-Office in _Whitehall_, she had the sorrowful Satisfaction to find how she had been abused, the _Ticket_ which she had hired for thirty-two Days at the different Prices the _Horses_ bore, having been drawn a _Blank_ the second day of the _Lottery_.

A little Lottery _of all Prizes and no Blanks_, for disposing of a few Trifles, being put up by a Tradesman in the City, the highest Prize was a _Pint Silver Mug_: any one might become an Adventurer for Six-pence, and the Adventurers were to put their Hands in the Glass, and draw the Tickets themselves. A Sharper having got amongst the Croud, contrived a Ticket like those in the Glass, and wrote upon it a _Pint Silver Mug_, and then dextrously concealing it in the Palm of his Hand, put in to draw the Lot: the Ticket being opened, the Master of the Lottery called him all the vile cheating Rogues, saying, he would go before a Magistrate, and make Oath, that the Prize of the _Silver Mug_ had never been put into the Glass.

There are many Persons subsisted merely by frequenting the most noted _Ordinaries_ and _Eating-Houses_ where the second-hand sort of Gentlemen resort; and there, when they find a better Sword, Hat or Cane, than their own at leisure, make no scruple to bring them away, and are oftentimes so ungenerous as not to leave their old ones in lieu of them. The Persons who fall into this _Way of Life_, I have observed, are for the most part of pretty voluble Tongues, and are generally well versed in the Politicks and Histories of their own Times, so as to be able to harangue a Company into a good opinion of their Parts and Capacity; so that when they are taking Leave, to go away, the Company may not regard the Pegs on which those Moveables hang. They also appear decently dress'd, so as to avoid being suspected of making a _Trade_ instead of a _Mistake_ when they are detected in these Practices. I have known a large Number of People, after they have heartily filled their Bellies with Beef and Pudding, do notable Services to their Country; two or three have made Reprisals upon the _Spanish Guard la Costa's_ in the _West-Indies_. Others have reduced the Army, and added to the Sinking-Fund. Some have made a safe and honourable Peace, and brought us all to rights at last; and after all this Merit, be rewarded with the loss of their Hats, Canes and Swords, and be forced to march out of a Cook's Shop like a Garrison that has surrendred Prisoners at Discretion, when some of the _Gentlemen_ of this _Profession_ have been amongst them.

A Gentleman-like Person being on a _Christmas-Day_ taking a Walk in _Queen-Square_ near _Ormond-Street_, and observing a handsome Table decked out with the best Damask Linnen, and a Side-Board richly cover'd with Plate, _&c._ he concluded that an elegant Dinner must not be very distant from those Preparations. Immediately a Coach, containing two Ladies and a Gentleman, stopt at the Door: with an Air of Vivacity he steps forward, and assists the Ladies in coming out of the Coach, and after the mutual Civilities, they all enter the House together, and are received and conducted by the Gentleman of the Family into the Dining-Room; his Lady, Sisters, Daughters, and Nieces are saluted by the _Gentlemen_ in the usual manner. Dinner is called, and served up; and the _Stranger_ calls about him for Water, Wine, and every thing he wanted, as though he had been intimately acquainted with the Table. From the Discourse which passed, he became Master of every one's Name present, and made use of them on proper Occasions; and then by a short Story relating to a Rencounter, which he said he was engaged in at _Paris_, the Company laid hold of his Name likewise, and every one became jocose, free, and obliging to each other. When he was called upon for his Toast, he named the most celebrated Beauties of the Age, and the Healths of such Gentlemen as he found were agreeable to the Ladies. In a word, he acquitted himself as became a Man of Mode, and one who kept the best Company. Towards the Evening the Conversation breaks up, and the Gentlemen with the two Ladies take Leave, after a great many Compliments for their Entertainment; and the strange Gentleman having helped to conduct the Ladies into their Coach in the same manner as he had handed them out of it, they in Civility desire to set him down, which he accepted of, and they heard no more of him till they went again to dine at their Friend's House in _Queen's-Square_, when the Gentleman of the House and all the Ladies roundly rallied them for not bringing their Friend, the well-bred Mr. ---- with them to Dinner. They were more surprized, as supposing him to have been an Intimate of the Family's, and had not seen him before the time he had imposed himself upon all the Company for a Dinner.

A certain small Portion of the People obtain Food and Raiment by plying closely the Avenues that lead into _St. James's Park_, and the other privileged Places within the Verge of the Court; they appear like Porters and Chairmen, and some like Operators for the Feet; and have had such Experience in their Business, and are so well skill'd in Physiognomy, that they know an _insolvent Person_ upon the first sight. The severe Usage his Apparel has met with from the Bristles, or else his conscious Countenance in the shy and suspicious Look he casts over his Shoulder upon every one he hears treading behind him, are the infallible Tokens by which they form their Judgment. Having pitch'd upon their Man, they pursue him at a proper Distance, till they find an Opportunity to speak with him alone, and then tell him a Person has hired them to watch diligently the Route he shall take for that Day, and upon giving notice thereof, they are to be rewarded; but that, being an unfortunate Man himself, and owing much Money, he would not for his Right-hand set a Gentleman into the hands of a Bailiff. The Information carrying such an honest Face with it, cannot fail of being received with due Gratitude. The Insolvent is now obliged to look to himself, and instead of stealing to _Chelsea_ or _Kensington_ for a little Air, is forced to confine himself to bad Punch and worse Wine at some blind Hedge Coffee-house or Tavern within the Verge of the Court. The Rascal by whom he has thus been impudently imposed upon and terrified, never meets him but begs a Shilling or Six-pence; and having brought, perhaps, a dozen unfortunate Gentlemen more under the same Apprehensions, makes a comfortable Livelyhood of them.