Chapter 3

Those who have never minded an Accident that once happened to a spruce Mercer on _Ludgate-Hill_, have neglected a Scene of Life that is very entertaining. A genteel young Lady, very richly apparelled, made a full stop, in a Hackney-Coach, at the Door of this sharp-sighted Citizen; who, with his wonted Civility, conducted her into his Shop. After she had spent two or three Hours in tumbling over his Goods, and exclaiming against his _frightful Prices_, and after divers _Doubts_ and _Hesitations_, she fix'd her Determination on Silks and Brocades to the value or amount of 100_l._ and then, with a handsome Apology for Women's seldom gadding abroad with such a Sum of Money in their Pockets, desires he would do her the honour to wait upon her, with the Goods, to her Husband's House, naming a very eminent Surgeon at St. _James's_. In the _interim_ Dinner is gone up, and the Mercer invites his fair Customer to take a Family Morsel with him, before they went to St. _James's_. At Dinner many Excuses pass'd on the side of the Mercer and his Wife, for the _indifferent Fare_; and on the Lady's side as many Declarations, _that all was mighty good and well_; and faithfully promis'd, that if his Goods answer'd her expectation, she would never quit his Shop, but would also procure most of her Friends and Acquaintance to deal with him. She was seiz'd with a fainting Fit or two, with other pretty affected Symptoms of a _breeding Lady_, which led on a great deal of good humour upon the subject of Marriage. When Dinner was over, a Coach was call'd, the Lady and her Purchase were handed in with the greatest alacrity, and order'd to go to Mr. ---- a _Surgeon's_. All the way, a great deal of obliging Discourse pass'd on both sides; and the Mercer, not a little proud of his pretty Customer, and the large Roll of Silk that lay in sight, took care to bow to all his Acquaintance as he pass'd along. When the Coach stopp'd, she very pertly ask'd the Servant that open'd the Door, if his Master was in the Surgery; and being answer'd he was, she says, take care, put that Parcel by carefully, and shew this Gentleman into the Parlour. In the mean time, herself went up to the Master, and addresses herself to the following purpose; _viz._ "That about two years since, her too indulgent Parents," _naming a Family of good account in the Country_, "had unfortunately married her to Mr. ---- a Mercer on _Ludgate-Hill_; but that his Life, since their Marriage, had been so scandalous and dissolute, that, in short, he had not only ruin'd her Fortune, but she fear'd her Constitution, by his Conversation with Scrumpets; and that her Condition was such, she knew not what to do with herself, nor how to make her Case known to any living Creature." He was going directly to examine her, but that she desired he would desist, and talk first with Mr. ----, her Husband, naming the Mercer, who, she said, was below stairs waiting for that purpose. She begg'd not to be present, for she could scarce bear the sight of a Wretch who had used her so cruelly. She being withdrawn, the Surgeon went down stairs, and invited the Mercer into the Surgery; and began with asking, _How he found himself?_ The Mercer answer'd, _truly he could not boast of a large share of Health, but that he made a shift to rub on_; but adds he, _Sir, your Lady had a sudden Disorder this Day, as she was at Dinner at my House_; then, with a Smile, _we once thought we must have made her your Patient, by sending for you to her assistance_. _Zounds_, says the Surgeon in a surprize, _what, my Wife dine at your House! I knew she went into the City_. Replies the Mercer, _We had but a sorry Entertainment for her; however, she hath made herself amends in her Bargain_; and then presents him with a Bill of Parcels for 100_l._ for Silks sold and delivered. The Surgeon, in a violent agony, rang the Bell for his Servants, bidding them run all over the City, and find their Mistress. _Sir_, says the Mercer, _you need not give your self that trouble, to be sure she's in the House, for the Lady came with me in a Coach from the City_. This put him into a greater fury; _D--mn ye, Sir, your own pocky Slut, you mean; I'd have ye know, my Wife keeps no such Rascals company_. To blows they went, and the Bones of the Skeletons rattled as fast in the Glasses, as those of the Combatants. A Constable was call'd, and charged with the Mercer, for endeavouring to defraud the Surgeon of 100_l._ by false Tokens and Pretences. And both the Men continued so hot and outrageous, and such Scurrilities pass'd between them, that the Mistake was vastly far from being clear'd up, and the Cheat set to rights. The Mercer was carried in Custody to a Tavern, in order to go before a Magistrate, cursing and reviling all the Surgeons as he went along; saying, _if those were their Tricks, it was time to give over Trade_; and what still vex'd him more, to have his poor innocent Wife call'd pocky B--ch, and himself all the debauch'd Villains into the Bargain. The Surgeon, on the other hand, cries out, _A new piece of Villany, a Fellow brings a Whore, and a Bill of Parcels, to rob my House, and has withal the Impudence to boast of a Conversation he has truly had with my Wife in a Hackney-Coach_. The Surgeon's Wife had been found over a Dish of Tea at a Relation's House in _Crutched-Fryars_, where she had dined, and had hurried home in such a manner, that the Horses stood in a dropping Sweat at the Door. Soon after comes the Mercer's Wife, almost frighted to death, accompanied with half her Relations, and finds a Mob of a thousand People about the House where her Husband was kept Prisoner. An Hour more past before the Fraud was discover'd by either Party, and the Affair set in a true light; when, upon enquiring, the _Fair Cheat_ it seems had, so soon as the Mercer was invited out of the Room he was placed in, given the Servant half a Crown, and went off with the Silks, and it has not been known who she was to this day.

While the State-Lottery was Drawing at the _Guild-hall_ in _London_, an _Irishman_ stood amongst the Croud, meditating upon Ways and Means to procure a Meal's Meat; his Belly, it seems, having been a Bankrupt for many Days before. At length, hearing a Prize of 1000_l._ proclaimed, he fell into an Exstacy, crying out, the Ticket was his, which drew the Eyes of all the People present upon him: he ran up to the _Hustings_ among the Managers, and for better Satisfaction, desired to be inform'd of the principal Clerks whether the Number he had heard in the _Hall_ was entitled to the 1000_l._ Prize. They assured him it was, and gave him Joy on his Success. He told the Clerks and Proclaimers, that when the Wheels were clos'd, and the Day's Drawing concluded, he should be glad of their Company to eat a bit of something or other with him at a neighbouring Tavern. When the Lottery-Men had done their Business, they accordingly came, like so many Millers, powdering every one that brush'd against them to the Tavern, where the Spits, Boilers and Stew-pans were all a going Tantivy; the Master of the House sent privately to the Ringers, to tell them he had a Gentleman, his Guest, whom Fortune had favour'd in the Lottery, that if his Vanity was touch'd up with a Peal or two, he would warrant them a Pair of Pieces for the Complement. St. _Lawrence's_ Bells were at it in an instant, and when the Ringers came to pay their Respects to _his Honour_, he order'd them three Guineas at the Bar. The Landlord, when he was paying the Money, was not a little proud of his own Foresight, saying, _Gentlemen, did not I tell you how it would be?_

Dinner was served up, when the Vintner and all his Servants were at their Stations, in close and diligent Attendance upon the Company. The Discourse turn'd chiefly upon the niggardly Dispositions of some, whom Fortune had favour'd in the same Manner, and the various Humours and Tempers of Mankind: what unaccountable Successes attended on some People, and the Misfortunes that others were visibly destin'd to. In the Evening, the Reckoning was call'd for, together with three or four peremptory Bottles: the Bill came to five Pounds; the _Master_ of the _Feast_, perusing it, excepted to one of the _Articles_, as being an exorbitant Charge; and as he said, _making a Property of Good-Nature_. All the Company join'd with much Warmth in the Complaint; upon which, he said he would go down and _give_ it the Landlord in his Bar. When he was got below Stairs, in a careless Manner, with a Pipe in his Mouth, and without his Hat; he saunter'd about for a Minute or two, and then found an Opportunity to slip away, leaving the Reck'ning to be paid by his Companions above stairs. The Master of the House had the more reason to be shock'd when he heard of the Imposture, because he had not only paid the three Guineas for the Steeple-Musick, but had lent him ten Guineas more out of his Pocket for pretended Exigencies. The Gentlemen could not afterwards pass through the Hall without being insulted; one unlucky Rogue bawling out, _What was the Reck'ning at the Tavern?_ and another answering, FIVE POUNDS _principal Money_.

We have had instances of Jurymen, who have had their Pockets pick'd when they have been sitting upon Trials of Life and Death; and whilst a Prosecutor has been giving Evidence against one Rogue, another has at that very instant robb'd him of his Snuff-Box and Handkerchief.

There are eight Sessions of _Oyer_ and _Terminer_ and Jail-Delivery usually holden in _London_ in a Year, many of which, through the great Number of Prisoners try'd, continue four or five Days successively; during which time, the _Old-Bailey-Yard_ is crouded with an idle disorderly Crew of Persons of both Sexes, who have no other Business but to obstruct those who have any unwish'd for Avocation to the Place----In one Corner stands a Circle, compos'd of, perhaps, a Baker's-Boy, a Journeyman-Shoemaker, a Butcher's-'Prentice, and a Bailiff's-Follower, telling _how it was_; By what _means such a Robber was taken_; _Who his Relations are_; One boasting of _being his near Neighbour_; and another of an intimate _Acquaintance with him_, &c.----In another, a heap of Earthen-ware Women, with Straw Hats, and their black and blue Eyes and swoln Faces, lamenting the Fate of _poor Bob_, or _Jemmy_, _hoping the L--d will deliver him out of the Hands of his Adversaries_; meaning the Laws of his Country----In a third, is a row of _Spittle-field Weavers_, with the Lice passing in Review over their Shoulders, before two or three lazy Silver-button'd Alehouse Fellows at their Elbows; near whom, are four or five old Women, shaking their Heads _at the Wickedness of the Times_, and what _a likely young Fellow pass'd just now to his Trial_, wondering _that Youth won't take warning_, &c.----A Yard farther, two or three Grenadiers together, with a red-faced Serjeant or Corporal of the Foot Guards, ready to rap a Reputation for some offending Brother. These, together with two or three Dozen of Whores and Thieves from _Rosemary-lane_ and St. _Giles's_, and a Company of idle Sailors from _Wapping_, resolve themselves into Committees of threes, fours, and fives, all over the Sessions-house-yard, and there debate on the Fates and Circumstances of the Criminals, till the latest Hour of the Court's sitting, be the Season ever so rigorous, or their Affairs at home ever so pressing. But sometimes, by the sudden and hasty turning in of a Coach, these Committees are all suspended, and squeez'd up against the Walls, or else oftentimes, through their being a little too verbose and vociferous; the Court, by their Officer upon the Leads, calls them to Peace and Order.

Nor are the Taverns, Ale-houses, and Brandy-shops in the Neighbourhood less fill'd with idle Spectators: for, besides the Prosecutors and their Witnesses, (which must necessarily attend) there are infinite Numbers of _Watch-makers_, _Barbers_, _Poulterers_, _Engravers_, and other Artizans and Handicraft Tradesmen, who have no other Business there, but to hearken to the Stories of the _Newgate_ Solicitors and their Companions, and so neglecting their Callings and Families at home, sit tippling one half Pint after another, till they become as fuddled as a _Beef-Eater_ at a _Tavern_ on a _Sunday_ Morning, and go home mightily edified with the particulars of a Trial for a Rape, or a Highway Robbery.

That Figure which the _Sextons_ of Parishes has made in the World of late Years, is an evident Token of the flourishing State of the _Worshipful Corporation_ of _Corps-stealers_. There seldom passes a Night, but we hear of some Defunct _Plebeian_ eloping out of one Church-yard or other: nor are those of _better Blood_ more secure, for all their Bolts and Barricadoes. This felonious _Commodity_, I am told, is sold by _Weight_, and that the _Purchasers_ generally consider and weigh well what they are about, before they strike a Bargain. The Corpse of a plain _Milk-Maid_ is said to fetch at least 7_d._ in the Pound more than that of a _Countess_; and, notwithstanding the highest feeding and fattening, a common _Joiner_'s has had vastly the preference of a _Major General_'s in the Market. But, however, this _Calling_ is liable to many Hazards and Losses as well as others, for oftentimes the Dealers meet with _Crosses_, which they are oblig'd, though very unwillingly, to _bear on their Backs_.

I must say something to those People who have introduced a kind of Fraud of late Years, which now and then runs through the Town like a Contagion: It is call'd _Auctioneering_, or vending various kinds of Goods by way of Cant or Auction. Soon after a Man of any Note has obtained a _Mors Janua Vitæ_ against his Wife, and publish'd it over his Door, or a Woman has done the same thing by her Husband; a Gang of People, call'd _Bughunters_, take possession of the House, by displaying their Standard, a huge rotten Carpet, and wage War against all the good Housewives in the Town. _Moor-fields_ and _Knaves-acre_ are drain'd of their Lumber, and scarce a thirtieth Part of the deceased Person's real Furniture is on the Premisses. Next, a News-paper proclaims the Goods of Lady _Good-for-nothing lately deceased_, to be sold, or rather given away to such as shall take the trouble to fetch them. All the thrifty Ladies take the Hint, and away to the place of Auction; the _Orator_, or _Mouth_ of the Sale, surrounded by his _Puffs_ and _Setters_, shows away. One Fellow is professing his Astonishment at the _low Prices_ the things go at, while a Hussey dress'd out for the Day, is bidding against a Woman of Quality, with no intention to buy, but to bring up those that are come thither for no other Purpose to a Price far beyond the real Value. A third Person in the same Circumstance pretends to raise a Dispute, and rails at the _Rostrum_ in behalf of the Company, as a Disguise that he may either decoy or postpone, as occasion shall require. The Ladies return home mightily pleased and satisfied with their fine _Pennyworths_, and their Judgments are sure to be admired by their _Women_, and every poor _dependant Cousin_. The Auctioneers and their Setters retire to the next Tavern, where they drink their Healths, and join in a _Chorus_ for getting rid of their crazy Furniture, _&c._ such that, perhaps, nothing but a _Fire_ or an _Execution_ besides could have moved out of their Shops.

A Set of gay young Fellows, who have been reduced by Play, and other common Accidents of the Town, have discover'd a Means of obtaining a Livelyhood within a Year past, that cannot but fail of meeting with the Approbation of the ingenious Mr. _Roger Johnson_: They dress exceeding well, and have a Chair attending them every Evening to such Taverns and Coffee-Houses as they have pitch'd upon in the Day, as most proper for the execution of their Designs. They enquire for one another, and People that they are sure not to meet with; and after taking out a fine Snuff-Box, and displaying a pretty Ring, with several other Airs, call for a Pint of Wine, if it be in a Tavern; and for a Glass of Arrack, be it in a Coffee-House, the Chairmen waiting the mean time in the Passage. After the Beau has turned himself about in the Glass, and asked a number of insignificant Questions, he desires Change for a _Guinea_, or perhaps some other large Piece of _Gold_, which he carelessly throws upon the Bar, and then leaps again towards the Glass or the Fire. Presently the Bar-keeper cries _Laud, Sir, this is not a good one!_ The Man or Woman is answer'd by a Volley of Oaths, and the Words run vastly high, till the Chairmen, by peeping through the Windows, perceive their Master has the worst of the Dispute; and then come in bowing with their Heads as crooked as Dolphins, to know if _his Honour_ has any Commands? The Place is all silent upon the appearance of the Fellows with their Straps; and a Customer, in kindness to the House, interferes in the Dispute, and bids the Bar-keeper not be too rash; for, to be sure, the Mistake must be in her: for, that a Gentleman of such an Appearance, and so attended, must certainly be in the right on't. The Fellow receives a good Piece for his bad one, and not content with that alone, insists upon their publick acknowledging their _Error_, and begging his Pardon for the Affront; to which the People readily comply, and away he is gone in his Chair, to serve as many more Houses as he can in the same manner.

There are at least thirty People that I have my Eye upon every Day who dress in Pig-tail Perriwigs and Velvet Breeches, and appear at Plays and Operas, that have not a Shilling in the World but what they get by these Practices.

A sober _Citizen_, who had been yoked about fourteen Years, and had several _Children_ by his Wife, happen'd to have a Call to the Town of _Northampton_ to transact some Business of Importance to his Family. In the course of his Life he had not exceeded the Bounds of _Highgate_ or _Greenwich_, though some say he once ventured to make the Tour of _Epsom_; however, be that as it will, the dreadful Day for his Departure is come, his _Will_ has been made in due Form, and his Affairs entirely settled before he undertook so tedious and hazardous a _Journey_. Had the poor Creature been going to _Babylon_ or _Damascus_, the Wife could not have shed more Tears, and shewn more Grief than she did on the Occasion; she fainted several times, and the People, that were about her, had much ado to keep Life in her; all Endeavours to comfort her not availing, she remain'd inconsolable, telling them, _It was fine Talking for those that had never felt the Pain of parting with a Husband_. The _last tender_ parting Kiss is given an hundred times over, and her Tears bring his Handkerchief out of his Pocket, in deep Sorrow to leave his _dear Betty_ and his _poor Babes_. In a Flood of briny Tears he is beseeched not to fail writing by every Post, and every other Opportunity which shall offer: she promising faithfully not to omit doing the like on her part. At last he is mounted, and the Eyes of the whole Family continue upon him till his Horse and he are quite out of sight.

By that time he had reach'd the Town of _Barnet_, his Horse chanced to fall lame, and himself was so disorder'd, having not rid for many Years before, that he found himself altogether unable to proceed any further, and therefore waited till the Evening, when he got Passage in a Coach that was coming from the North to _London_. When he came into his Shop at about Twelve at Night, the first thing he met with was his 'Prentice with his Pockets largely stuffed out with Goods to the Value of Twenty Pounds, which he was going to sell for his own Benefit; the House-Maid and Nursery-Maid, with a jovial Company, had got an elegant Supper before them with some of his best Wines on the Table; the Journeyman and his Cook he found upon a Pack in the Warehouse in the most tender Embraces. Next, to his Wife's Chamber, that he found fast lock'd on the Inside, and for all his kicking and swearing for half an Hour together, he could not find Admittance. Presently the Street was in an Uproar with the Cry of _Thieves! Thieves!_ a good-sized Animal being seen sliding by a white Sheet down from the Chamber-Window by a Watchman who had laid hands on him; and when he was brought into the House by a number of People with only his Breeches and Shoes on, he appeared to be an Attorney of _Furnival's-Inn_, who had been constantly employed in doing this _Citizen's Business_, and was now doing _Business_ for his Wife.

A young Gentleman, that had made his Addresses for a long time to the only Daughter of a Widow-Lady, and every one looking upon the thing that it would one Day be a _Match_, they were permitted to be together frequently alone; to which _Opportunity_ he joined those pressing and prevailing _Importunities_, that were too hard for a young innocent Creature to withstand. In a word, she granted all that was in her power to give, and surrendred at Discretion the last Favour. A Maid-Servant, who had kept a watchful Eye upon the Conduct of these two _Lovers_, as knowing by Experience what it was for a young Girl to be left alone with a pretty Fellow, peep'd thro' a Key-Hole, and saw them very fairly go _sans Ceremony_ to bed together. The Maid having now pretty well secured her Game, steals privately up to her old Mistress's Chamber, and gave her an Account of the hopeful way her young Lady was in. The old Lady causes her Brother, who lodg'd in the House with her, and was a resolute Sea-Officer, to be call'd up, to give her his Advice and Assistance in so nice and critical a _Conjuncture_. The Captain, as well as his Sister, were warm'd with the highest Resentment for so horrid a Violation of the Laws of Honour and Hospitality; the one declared he would do the Business of the Man, and the other was resolv'd to turn her Daughter out into the Street, altho' it was more than Midnight. In this Disposition they both came to Miss's Chamber-Door, and demanded Entrance. It may be easy to imagine what an Interruption this sudden and unexpected Accident gave to the Joys of the amorous Couple, and the Terror that it laid them under. The young Fellow begg'd his _dear Creature_ to recover her Surprize, to be directed by his Conduct, and follow the Example he should give her; which would extricate them both out of the Difficulty, into which their rash Loves had involv'd them. Both leap'd out of the Bed in their Shifts, and called out to the Assailants on the other side of the Chamber-Door, he bidding them to offer no farther Disturbance at their Peril, for that he would protect and defend his _lawful Wife_ to the last Extremity; but that, if they had a mind to enter civilly, and hearken to Reason, he would not give them the trouble of breaking open the Door. The Words _lawful Wife_ deeply affected the old Woman, who began to compose herself, upon hearing so comfortable an Expression; her Passion and Violence being abated, she cry'd _Dear_ Molly, _open the Door, 'tis none but your Uncle and my self_. As soon as they enter'd, both the young People went on their Knees, and ask'd the old Lady Blessing; she could give them no Answer till she had given vent to her Tears, and then said, _She had not been so unkind a Parent, but that she might have been acquainted with the Thing: but, since it was done, she wished them both well together_, and intreated them to return into Bed again; _for, that she could not bear to see them stand in that manner in the Cold_. The Uncle saluted his _Niece_ and _Nephew_, giving them his Compliments on their Nuptials, and then retired with his _Sister_. The young Folks soon got to Bed again. The Fellow lay till five in the Morning, and then found an Opportunity to get out of the House before the Family was stirring; so that when the good old Lady arose, she saw no more of her _quondam Son-in-law_.