Chapter 2

The Driver of a Hackney-Coach having the Misfortune to break a Leg and an Arm by a Fall from his Box, was rendred incapable of following that Business any longer; and therefore posted himself at the Corner of one of the principal Avenues leading to _Covent-Garden_ with his Limbs bound up to the most advantageous Manner to move the Passengers to Commiseration. He told his deplorable Case to all, but all passed without Pity; and the Man must have inevitably perish'd, had it not come into his head to shift the Scene and his Situation. The Transition was easy, he whipt on a Leathern-Apron, and from a _Coachman_ became a poor _Joiner_, with a Wife and four Children, that had broke his Limbs by a Fall from the Top of a House. Showers of Copper poured daily into his Hat, and in a few Years he became able to purchase many _Figures_, as well as Horses; and he is now Master of one of the most considerable Livery-Stables in _London_.

The next are the _Watermen_; and indeed the Insolence of these, though they are under some Limitations too, is yet such at this time, that it stands in greater need than any other of severe Laws, and those Laws being put in speedy execution. A few Months ago, one of these very People being Steers-man of a Passage-Boat between _Queenhithe_ and _Windsor_, drowned fifteen People at one time; and when many of them begg'd of him to put them on Shore, or take down his Sails, he impudently mock'd them, ask'd some of the poor frighted Women, if they were afraid of going to the Devil; and bid them say their Prayers: then used a vulgar Water-Phrase which such Fellows have in their Mouths, _Blow Devil, the more Wind the better Boat_. A Man of a very considerable Substance perishing with the rest of the unfortunate Passengers, this Villain, who had saved himself by swimming, had the surprizing Impudence to go the next Morning to his Widow, who lived at _Kingston_ upon _Thames_. The poor Woman, surrounded with a number of sorrowful Friends, was astonished to think what could be the occasion of the Fellow's coming to her; but thinking he was come to give some Account of her Husband's Body being found, at last she condescended to see him. After a scurvy Scrape or two, the Monster very modestly _hoped his good Mistress would give him half a Crown to drink her Health, by way of Satisfaction for a Pair of Oars and a Sail he had lost the Night before, when he had drowned her Husband_.

I have many times pass'd between _London_ and _Gravesend_ with these Fellows; when I have seen them, in spite of the shrieks and cries of the Women, and the persuasions of the Men-Passengers, and indeed, as if they were the more bold by how much the Passengers were the more afraid; I say, I have seen them run needless hazards, and go as it were within an Inch of Death, when they have been under no necessity of it: and if not in contempt of the Passengers, it has been in meer laziness, to avoid their rowing. And I have been sometimes oblig'd, especially when there have been more Men in the Boat of the same Mind, so that we have been strong enough for them, to threaten to cut their Throats, to make them hand their Sails, and keep under Shore, not to fright, as well as hazard the Lives of the Passengers, when there was no need of it. But I am satisfied, that the less frighted and timorous their Passengers are, the more cautious and careful the Watermen are, and the least apt to run into Danger. Whereas, if their Passengers appear frighted, then the Watermen grow saucy and audacious, show themselves venturous, and contemn the Dangers they are really expos'd to.

_Set one Knave to catch another_, is a proverbial Saying of great Antiquity and Repute in this Kingdom. Thus the vigilant _Vintner_, notwithstanding all his little Arts of base Brewings, abridging his Bottles, and connecting his Guests together, does not always reap the Fruits of his own Care and Industry. Few People being aware of the underhand Understandings and Petty-Partnerships these Sons of _Benecarlo_ and _Cyder_ have topp'd upon them; and the many other private Inconveniences that they, in the course of their Business, are subjected to. Now, to let my Readers into this great _Arcanum_ or Secret, I must acquaint them, that nothing is more certain and frequent than for some of the principal Customers to a Tavern, to have a secret Allowance, by way of Drawback, of Six-pence or Seven-Pence, nay sometimes I have heard of Eight-pence, on every Bottle of Port-Wine that themselves shall drink, or cause to be drank in the House, and for which they have seemingly paid the full Price of two Shillings; and so are a sort of _Vintners in Vizards_, and _Setters of Society_. These are mostly sharping Shopkeepers, who, by being considerable Dealers, hold numbers of other inferiour Trades-people in a State of Dependency upon them; Officers of Parishes; old season'd Soakers, who by having serv'd an Age to Tippling, have contracted a boundless Acquaintance; House-Stewards; Clerks of Kitchens; Song-Singers; Horse-Racers; Valet de Chambres; Merry Story-Tellers, Attorneys and Sollicitors, with Legions of wrangling Clients always at their Elbows. Wherefore, as they have got the Lead upon a great part of Mankind, they are for ever establishing Clubs and Friendly-Societies at Taverns, and drawing to them every Soul they have any Dealings or Acquaintance with.

The young Fellows are mostly sure to be their Followers and Admirers, as esteeming it a great Favour to be admitted amongst their _Seniors_ and _Betters_, thinking to _learn to know the World and themselves_. One constant Topick of Conversation, is the _Civility of the People, the diligent Attendance_, together with the _Goodness of the Wines, and Cheapness of the Eatables_; with a Side-wind Reflection on another House. And if at any time, when the Wine is complain'd of, it is answer'd with _Peoples Palates are not at all times alike; my Landlord generally hath as good, or better, than any one in the Town_. And oftentimes the poor innocent _Bottle_, or else the Cork, falls under a false and heavy Accusation.

In a Morning there is no passing thro' any part of the Town, without being _Hemm'd_ and _Yelp'd_ after by these Locusts from the Windows of Taverns, where they post themselves at the most convenient Views, to observe such Passengers as they have but the least knowledge of; and if a Person be in the greatest haste, going upon extraordinary Occasions, or not caring to vitiate his Palate before Dinner, and so attempts an Escape, then, like a Pack of Hounds, they join in full Cry after him, and the Landlord is detach'd upon his Dropsical Pedestals, or else a more nimble-footed Drawer is at your Heels, bawling out, _Sir, Sir, 'tis your old Friend Mr. Swallow, who wants you upon particular Business_.

The Sums which are expended daily by this Method, are realy surprizing. I knew a Clerk to a Vestry, a Half-pay Officer, a Chancery Sollicitor, and a broken Apothecary, that made a tolerable good Livelihood, by calling into a Tavern all their Friends that passed by the Window in this manner. Their Custom was to sit with a Quart of White-_Port_ before them in a Morning; every Person they decoy'd into their Company for a Minute or two, never threw down less than his Six-pence, and few drank more than one Gill; and if two or three Glasses, he seldom came off with less than one Shilling. The Master of the House constantly provided them with a plain Dinner, _gratis_. All Dinner-time they kept their Room still, in full view of the Street, and so sate _catching Gudgeons_, (as they used to call it) from Morning till Night; when, besides amply filling their own Carcasses, and discharging the whole Reckoning, they seldom divided less than seven or eight Shillings a Man _per Diem_.

Some People, unacquainted with this _Fellow-feeling_ at Taverns, often wonder how such a one does to hold it; that he spends a confounded deal of Money, is seldom out of a Tavern, and never in his Business: when, in reality, he is thus never out of his Business, and so helps to run away with the chief Profits of the House.

Nor are these all the Hardships many of the Vintners lie under; for besides, their Purses must too often stand a private Examination behind the Bar, when any of these sort of Customers Necessities shall require it.

'Tis such Dealings drive the poor Devils to all the little Shifts and Tricks imaginable. I went one day into a Tavern near _Charing-Cross_, to inquire after a Person whom I knew had once us'd the House: The Mistress being in the Bar, cry'd out, _What an unfortunate thing it was, Mr. ---- being that instant gone out of the House, and was surprized I did not meet him at the Door; but that he had left Word he expected a Gentleman to come to him, and would return immediately._ I staid the sipping of two or three Half-pints, and begun to shew some uneasiness that he did not come according to her Expectation; when she again _wonder'd at it_, saying, _it was just one of his Times of coming; for that he was a worthy good Gentleman, and constantly whetted four or five times in a Morning_. At length, being out of all patience, I paid, and went to my Friend's House, about twenty Doors farther; where his Wife inform'd me, _he had been gone about three Months before to_ Jamaica.

The Bankruptcies so frequently happening among the Sons of _Bacchus_, are doubtless to be attributed chiefly to such Leeches as I have been describing, lying so closely upon them; and then an innocent industrious Man is to be call'd forsworn Rogue, Villain, and what not; and to be told that he hath affected a Failure, to sink a dozen or fourteen Shillings in the Pound upon his Creditors, when, in reality, he hath not a single Shilling left in the World; and shall oftentimes be oblig'd to become a common Waiter to a more fortunate Fellow, and one perhaps too, that he once had thoughts of circumventing in his Business and Trade, by no other means, than a more humble and tractable Behaviour.

A Vintner, who has been look'd upon by all Mankind to have been a 20,000_l._ Man at least, hath died not worth Eighteen-pence; and then the poor Wretch has been worried to his Grave, with the Character of a private Whore-master or Gamester.

A few Years since _Peter Dapper_ came into a naked and ruin'd Bawdy-House Tavern in the heart of the City; he resolv'd upon a thorough Reformation of its Customs and Manners, and when a Male and Female came in together, he order'd his Servants to shew them into the open Kitchen. He declar'd that he would make no difference or distinction in the Price of his Wines, but would be above-board with all Mankind. He redress'd the exorbitant Grievances of the _Gridiron_ and the _Spit_, and protested his Heart and his Larder free and open to all that should vouchsafe to visit either. He invited all the single Mercers, Druggists, and Drapers, that lived within sight of his _Bush_, to eat a piece of Mutton with him every Day at Noon, and upon the removal of the Cloth, _Peter_ proclaim'd a free general Indemnity and Oblivion for all the Mischief their Forks and Knives had done to two or three substantial Dishes that stood before them. By these, and other uncommon Acts of Generosity, he rais'd the Reputation of his House to a greater pitch than any other in the Neighbourhood, and reap'd the Fruits of his own Labours and Ingenuity. _Peter_, in a few Years, having laid hands on a good number of Acres, and got an Equipage about his Ears, has now very fairly turn'd his A--se upon all the Taverns in the Kingdom.

A certain great BANKER, whose Name it is altogether needless to mention, (the Fact being too well known to many Peoples Misfortune) having by some indiscreet Management greatly hurt his Reputation, and several Stories of a suspicious nature, tending to depreciate his Character, being whisper'd about; which coming in time to his knowledge, he thought of a notable Device to prevent the Consequences that generally ensue on those occasions to Persons in his way of Life. His first step was to order Glaziers and Painters to new-ornament his House in the most genteel manner. He next hurried to the _Pool_, and order'd in about a hundred Chaldrons of Coals, tho' it was the warm Season of the Year. These _Circumstances_ seem'd to _demonstrate_ a Continuance in his House, and for three or four Days together, when the People came either to draw, or bring their Cash, their was scarce a possibility of getting into the Shop, for a number of dirty Fellows who were incessantly carrying Sacks of Coals on their Backs to the Cellars. The Stratagem succeeded even beyond expectation; the Creditors Apprehensions clear'd up, and one ridicul'd another for their _foolish_ and _ill-grounded_ Fears. The _Run_ that was begun to be made, not only ceased, but numbers of Strangers now thought fit to constitute him the _Custodé_ of their Fortunes; and the Man was look'd upon to be one of the most flourishing of his Business in the City, and his Credit equal to that of the _Bank of England_. This went on for about a Fortnight or three Weeks longer, when this pains-taking Tradesman thought fit to shut up his Shop, and rub off with 100,000_l._ of his Creditors Money to _Antwerp_.

Another time a young Fellow, with a pitiful Patrimony, open'd a LINNEN-DRAPER'S Shop in the heart of the City; his Stock was equal to his Fortune, and, like most raw unexperienc'd Persons, his Soul vastly bigger than both. Tho' he set out with great Ambition, he condescended to bow to all the Fair-Sex who pass'd his Door in Coaches or on Foot; his Success was humble, for he bowed to little purpose. Revolving Quarters, with Rent and Taxes, were his principal Customers. These, together with the apprehensions of his being soon named with other of his Majesty's loving Subjects in the _London Gazette_, gave him great Pain and Anxiety. One Morning he bless'd himself for a lucky Dog, having arose from his Pillow with the most happy Thought that had ever enter'd his Head. He call'd for Pen, Ink, and Paper, and enjoining his Journeyman Secrecy, went to his Compting-House, and drew up a Paper to the Effect following: _viz._ "_Whereas there was, on the 10th Day of this Instant October, dropp'd in the Shop of Mr._ Probity, Linnen-Draper, _at the ...... in_ Cheapside, London, _a green Silk Purse, in which was contain'd a large Rose Diamond Ring, a great number of pieces of Foreign Gold, together with sundry Notes,_ &c. _of great value; whoever will apply to the said Mr._ Probity, _and prove their Property to the same, shall have it restor'd them, on paying only the Charge of this Advertisement._"

This he caused to be printed in all the publick News-Papers, and although there was no such Purse lost, and consequently no Claim made, the Action was cry'd up through the Town as the most just and laudable that was ever done by a Citizen, and particularly by a young Beginner; some saying, _How many were there in the World that would have been silent enough on such an occasion?_ And others, _Ay, Ay; if it were not for some such honest People left amongst us, the World would never stand._ Trade and Business now flow'd in so fast upon him, that he was scarce able to undergo the Fatigue of his Shop; which was constantly crouded with _Women_ of all Ranks and Conditions, who, they said, _were sure to meet with fairer Usage there, than in any other in the City_. His barely _averring, upon the Word of an honest Man, that the Goods in dispute lay him in more prime-cost than was bid him_, would go further than the Oaths of a dozen Witnesses in _Guild-hall_; and when he was urged to say, as _I'm a Christian_, or, _if one living Soul may believe another_, it would satisfy the most Judicious and Thrifty, and remove from his Shop the worst of Goods at the most extravagant Prices.

The great Dealer in _India_ Goods is to sell as much China, Silks, and Muslins, _&c._ as he can, by which he shall get what he proposes to be reasonable, according to the customary Profits of his Business. As to a Lady, what she would be at, is to please her Fancy, and buy cheaper by a Shilling or two in the Pound, than the Things she wants are commonly sold at. Upon the approach of her Chariot to one of these Magazines of Trifles, up steps a Gentleman-like Man, that has every thing clean and fashionable about him; who, in low obeisance, pays her homage; and as soon as her pleasure is known that she has a mind to come in, hands her into the Shop; where immediately he slips from her, and in half a Moment, with great Address, entrenches himself behind the Compter. Here facing her, with a profound Reverence and modish Phrase, he begs the favour of knowing her Commands. Let her say and dislike what she pleases, she can never be directly contradicted. She deals with a Man in whom consummate Patience is one of the Mysteries of his Trade; and whatever Trouble she creates, she is sure to hear nothing but the most obliging Language; and has always before her a chearful Countenance, where Joy and Respect seem to be blended with Good-Humour, and all together make up an artificial Serenity, more ingaging than untaught Nature is able to produce.

When two Persons are so well met, the Conversation must be very agreeable, as well as extremely mannerly, tho' they talk about Trifles. Whist she remains irresolute what to take, he seems to be the same in advising her, and is very cautious how to direct her Choice: but when once she has made it, and is fix'd, he immediately becomes positive that it is the best of the sort; extols her Fancy, and the more he looks upon it, the more he wonders he should not before have discovered the pre-eminence of it over any thing he has in his Shop. By Precept, Example, and great Application, he has learn'd and observ'd to slide into the inmost Recesses of the Soul, found the Capacity of his Customers, and discover'd their blind side unknown to them: By all which he is instructed in fifty other Stratagems, to make her overvalue her own Judgment; as well as the Commodity she would purchase. The greatest Advantage he has had over her, lies in the most material part of the Commerce between them, the Debate about the Price, which he knows to a Farthing, and she is wholly ignorant of: therefore he no where more egregiously imposes on her Understanding: and tho' here he has the liberty of telling what Lyes he pleases, as to the _Prime-Cost_, and _the Money he has refused_, yet he trusts not to them only; but attacking her Vanity, makes her believe the most incredible things in the World, concerning his own Weakness, and her superior Abilities. _He had taken a Resolution_, he says, _never to part with that_ Piece _or_ Set _under such a Price, but she has the power of talking him out of his Goods beyond any body he ever sold to_: He _protests, that he loses by what she offers; but seeing that she has a fancy for it, and is resolv'd to give no more, rather than disoblige a Lady he has such an uncommon value for, he'll let her have it; and only begs, that another time she will not stand so hard with him._ In the mean time the Buyer, who has a voluble Tongue, and imagines herself no Fool, is easily persuaded that she has a very winning way of Talking; and thinking it sufficient, for the sake of Good Breeding, to disown her Merit, and in some witty Repartee retort the Compliment, he makes her swallow very contentedly the substance of every thing he tells her. The upshot is, that with the satisfaction of having bought, as she thinks, according to her expectation, she has paid exactly the same Price as any body else would have done; and give much more than, rather than not have sold his Goods, he would have taken.