Chapter 1

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Transcriber's Note:

The original spelling and capitalization of the original book published in 1732 have been retained.

THE

TRICKS

OF

THE TOWN:

OR,

WAYS and MEANS

for getting _MONEY_.

WHEREIN

The various LURES, WILES, and ARTIFICES, practised by the Designing and Crafty upon the Weak and Unwary, are fully exposed.

Recommended to the serious Perusal of all ADVENTURERS and SHARERS in _Bubble-Undertakings_, the PURSUERS of _Pennyworths_, and _Bargain-Buyers_.

Chiefly collected from some Papers of the Ingenious Mr. JOHN THOMSON, scattered between _Laurence-Pountney's-Hill_ and _Dover_.

_LONDON_:

Printed for J. ROBERTS, near the _Oxford-Arms_ in _Warwick-Lane_: And sold by the Booksellers of _London_ and _Westminster_. 1732. (Price One Shilling.)

* * * * *

THE

TRICKS of the TOWN;

OR

DIAMONDS _cut_ DIAMONDS.

My Son get Money, said a wiser Man than you or I, honest Reader: That is the Precept; but he went no farther, leaving the Business of _Committee Men_, _Ways and Means_, &c. to the peculiar Turn of Thought, or Biass of Invention of every individual _Money-Getter_. Of all the Methods made use of to attain this great End, I believe it will be allow'd that he who gains his point the easiest way, is the wisest Person: For instance, I know there are Mines of _Gold_ and _Silver_ in _Peru_ and _Mexico_; but when one considers at what a very inconvenient distance these are, and what Toils and Dangers must be undergone before an _Ingot_ of either can be pocketed, what is to be done in the Case? We cannot go to them, and they will not come to us. In this plunge of Affairs, we resolve to pick it up by _Shillings_, _Crowns_, _Guineas_, _Moidores_, &c. at home.

That the one half of this great over-grown Metropolis knows but little how the other is truly supported, is a Maxim, I believe, older than the Walls themselves; that a considerable number of Persons are daily employed and kept in constant pay to go about damaging and destroying all manner of wearing Apparel, when they can find an Opportunity of doing it without any Inconveniences to themselves, is a Fact that will admit of no manner of Dispute. I have been inform'd, that if a _Coachman_ or _Carter_ can decently dash a _Gentleman_ or a _Lady_ that are richly dress'd, when they are walking the Streets, over their Head and Ears, and make due Proof of the Fact, there is not a _Draper_ or _Mercer_ within half a Mile of the Place where the Exploit was perform'd, but who will readily tip the Man a Shilling for his Trouble.

Every body knows, that when a _Foot-Soldier_ was taken in the Court of _Requests_ at _Westminster_, bedaubing a noble Lord's new Suit of Clothes upon his Back, with a composition of Powders that in a Week's time would have render'd them not worth the acceptance of his _Valet de Chambre_; the _honest Man_, upon a very strict Examination before a Magistrate, was at last brought, though with great reluctancy, to confess his receiving a Salary of Thirty Pounds _per Ann._ from certain _Drapers_, _Taylors_, and _Scowrers_, for those kinds of Services.

A few Weeks since I happen'd into a very large promiscuous Company of Gentlemen and Tradesmen, at a Tavern near the _Royal-Exchange_; I had not been seated amongst them a Quarter of an Hour, before a Waiter came to top the Candles, and let a Snuff fall upon the Sleeve of my Coat, which instantly burnt a great hole in the Cloth. All the Satisfaction I had, was in calling him careless Rascal, and his begging my pardon. This was soon follow'd by a great Glass of Wine one of the Company let fall upon the Table, which wetted three or four Peoples Clothes pretty heartily. By and by a full Flask was overset, which put half a dozen more of us into the same pickle; so that nothing was heard for some time, but, _Sir, I am heartily sorry_; _I beg your pardon_; _Mischances will happen, but I hope it won't stain_; and the like. We were all up from our Chairs, wiping and cleaning one another. We were no sooner got into order again, and begun to be merry, forgetting what was past, but Supper came to be set upon the Table; when the Cook, in handing a Dish of Fish over our Shoulders, let fall the Bason, with all the Sauce in it, upon half a score of us. We now were in a worse Condition than ever, and all got upon our Legs again in the utmost Confusion and Disorder; and with rumbling and tumbling about, a huge Pewter Piss-pot, with about half a dozen Gallons of Urine in it, was thrown down from its Stand. I got a Pocket full to my share, and there were few of the Company but what had their Dividends of it. Bless me, says I, sure never such a Series and Train of Disasters fell out so before. In short, I could stand it no longer, but paid my Shot, and came away with my Clothes in such a condition, that I had scarce ever seen the like, and was forc'd to give them away the next Morning. In a Day or two after, I was thoroughly satisfied with the real Cause of these _Accidents_, _viz._ that the House in which I had met with this Mischief, was entirely supported by _Woollen Drapers_, _Taylors_, and _Button-sellers_; and that we had got several of 'em that Night in our Company.

Women of Quality and Fashion will perhaps think themselves no ways liable to any of these Mischances; but I shall convince them, that howsoever secure they may imagine themselves to be from them by their Coaches and Chairs, and other Accommodations, they are yet to be come at by some People they are not well aware of. There are few Women of any Fashion, that make a tolerable Figure in the _Beau Monde_, but what have a continual clatter of Manteaumakers, Milliners, and Sempstresses about their Ears; besides Tire-Women, and Fortune-Tellers by Coffee-Grounds; together with a Train of Chamber-maids, and old Housekeepers, who have got married, and are permitted to visit the Families they once lived in. These, with a Croud of Midwives, Twelve-penny Lottery-Women, and other _How d'ye do_ People, are for ever plaguing them with this new Fancy and Pattern, and recommending such and such Persons to their Custom for Teas, China, and Trumpery. And while a Story is telling of who's a going to be Married, who is brought to Bed, or who has Miscarried, down goes the Cup and Saucer, and the Tea all over her Ladyship's Petticoat; then do they _curse their unlucky Hands_, and beg _ten thousand Pardons for the Mischance_; and threaten to go to _India_, but they will match the Set, so as not to be distinguish'd by the nicest Judgment. The whole Suit of Clothes, perhaps, becomes the Perquisite of my Lady's Woman, and the Set of China is not to be match'd in the Kingdom. The Dealers soon get Intelligence of the Accident, from the _Person_ by whose Hands it was done; and the Lady is teaz'd almost to death with People shewing her new _Sets_, new _Patterns_, and what not: and as soon as she has purchased, the Gossip, by whose dextrous Management the Traffick was brought about, not only begs and gets the damaged Set of China for herself, but moreover receives a Moiety out of the Shopkeeper's Profit who sold the new Set; as well as Poundage from the Mercer, for what he shall sell the Lady. I knew a Woman of Quality who was so strangely pester'd with this kind of _Visitants_, that she could never keep a clean Manteau to her Tail, nor a complete Set of China to her Tea-Table; and yet continued so incredulous, as not to be persuaded that there was any _Art_ and _Design_ in the _Disasters_ that so frequently happen'd to her.

How many great Ladies have had their Gown-Tails cut from their Backsides at Balls and Operas, not so much for the sake of what Profit could be made of them, as has been apparent, but for the promoting of Trade and Commerce; and have return'd home in Jackets, like _Dutch_ Burgomasters Wives, to their Families?

The _Methods_ made use of to _Gripe_, _Surfeit_, _Cholick_, and otherwise disorder the Bodies of Children, as well as _Persons_ of riper Years, in order to render them due Objects of _Advice_ and _Physick_, I believe are obvious enough to every ingenious Person who is conversant with Families, and the Streets of _London_. What Person is there, of common Humanity amongst us, but must look with the utmost Grief and Concern upon that intolerable number of _Wheel-barrows_, _Stands_, and _Benches_, which are so industriously ranged and disposed thro' all the _Streets_, _Lanes_, and _Alleys_ of the Town, retailing various Kinds of damaged and unwholesome Fruits to the Passengers? all which manifestly tend to destroy the Healths of those who are weak enough to purchase them, and oftentimes are the Cause of epidemical Diseases.

I hope none of my Readers will be so uncharitable as to suggest that there is a Combination amongst _Quacks_, _Apothecaries_ or _Druggists_; for furnishing these _moving Shopkeepers_ with _Barrows_, _Baskets_, Money to purchase unwholesome Fruit, or any other Necessaries and Conveniences for carrying on this dangerous Traffick with the middling People: but thus much must be said, that we generally find them posted at, or near the Doors and Shops of those _Traders_. And then, what a horrible Squall and Outcry is there, according to the Season, of _Green Goosberries by the Gallon_, _Cherries by the Pound_, _Plumbs by the Hat-full_, _Cucumbers by the Dozen_, and _rare lumping Half-penny-worths of Pears, Pippins, and Pearmains_, &c. The People are constantly complaining of Disorders they produce, but cannot refrain from them, because they are, as it were, thrust down their Throats in this manner; and when _Advice_ is had, the Patient is rarely told that his Malady proceeded from the real Cause, but that _Fruit is held to be good and cooling to the Blood at all Times and Seasons, and by all Countries and Constitutions_. Thus the _Patient_ repeats his Poison, the _Prescriber_ his Fees, and the _Apothecary_ his Potion. I once catch'd an _Apothecary_ at the side of a Wheel-barrow enquiring of a dirty Hussey what Quantities of _Goods_ she had disposed of for a Day or two; doubtless that he might thereby proportion the Quantity of his _Medicines_ suitable to the Execution her _Trash_ must have done amongst his Neighbours.

Another time I saw a Physician vouchsafe to descend from his Chariot to become an Advocate in the open Street for a Flat-Cap Retailer of _Golden Rennets_, who had caus'd a great Riot at a Door she was permitted to place her _Barrow_ against, and pleaded as strenuously for her Continuance at it, as a Barrister would have done for a Fee of five Guineas; urging, among other Reasons, the _Cruelty_, and _what an unchristian Action it would be in any one to obstruct a poor Wretch in procuring a small Livelihood in an honest industrious Way_. This Argument had the more Weight with the People, because every one was surprized to hear so humane a Sentiment from a Practitioner in Physick.

Some Shopkeepers Wives being got together at a Merry-making, an Apothecary's _Mortar-piece_ of the Company was complaining of the bad Situation her Husband's Affairs would have been in, if that it had not pleased G--d the _Apricots, Plumbs and Nectarins had turned out vastly bad and plentiful this Year_.

Sometimes when the Mischiefs arising from unwholesome Fruits are too apparent, and a general Outcry is raised by Nurses and Old Women against People's indulging themselves too freely in them; then Care is taken to conceal the _Poison_ under little kind of _Crusts_ in the nature of _Pyes_ and _Tarts_: and besides what are sold in great Shops, itinerant Pastry-Cooks are dispersed all over the City and Suburbs to tempt liquorish Women and Children to become the Properties of an Apothecary's Shop.

Many there are, who would be inclined to think it something romantick, when I venture to assure them, that above an hundred Families in and about this City and Suburbs are actually supported and maintain'd by no other Means than those of _stealing Dogs_ from the Doors and Houses of Persons of Quality and Condition; and that Children are actually put forth Apprentice for a certain Term of Years, and have Money given with them, to be instructed in this _Art and Mystery_.

We see, that when some of these _innocent Animals_ are missing, what a Value is set upon them, by the round Sums offer'd by publick Advertisement. How many great Ladies are there, that would sooner be reconcil'd to the death of a Child, or a near Relation, than to that of a favourite Lap-Dog? And how often have we seen Families in deep Mourning on these _sad Occasions_? From Air to Air, and from Mineral to Mineral, have they been shifted upon the slightest Disorder. I have known a tip-top Physician sent for by an Express, and several Sets of Horses laid on the Road for him, to go with the utmost Expedition to visit a Lap-Dog that has been only ill of a sullen Fit, or so, in _Yorkshire_. A Woman of the first Quality, who, when all other Remedies fail'd her, found great Benefit by Walking, was obliged to give over that beneficial Exercise, for no other reason, forsooth, but that her favourite Dog could not keep pace with her, and what was found to be advantageous to her Constitution, was detrimental to his.

The _Artificers_ who make a _Livelihood_ by decoying these _pretty Puppets_ away, for the sake of the _Guineas_ and _Half Guineas_ that are usually given for their recovery to the Owners, are fond to pay a close and diligent Attendance near the Doors of such Houses where they are held in the highest Estimation, and at the most proper Seasons. Four in the Afternoon is deem'd a good Hour for a Dog of Quality and Distinction: _The dear pretty Soul_ has had a good Meal, and a thousand Kisses bestow'd on him; and my Lady, perhaps, has been too free with her _Clary_ after Dinner, and so is gone to take a Nap. The Valet is kissing her Woman behind the Skreen in the Dining-Room: In the mean time, _Jewel_ trips down stairs into the Hall, while the Porter is down in the Kitchen at a Horse-Laughter with the Footmen and Maids, and the Door committed to the Care of some drunken Chairman, or poor Fellow out of Place; and a poor-looking Creature is peeping in, under pretence of asking Charity. The Dog is instantly snapp'd up, and convey'd away under an old louzy Great-Coat, or a greasy Ridinghood, to some filthy Cellar or Garret. By and by my Lady wakes, and wants her _Companion_: 'Sdeath and Fireballs, the House is search'd from top to bottom, as tho' a Warrant for High-Treason was got into it. Mrs. _Abigail_ has warning given her, and the _Porter_ is turn'd out of doors. Every thing is in the greatest Confusion, and nothing but fear and sorrow appears upon every Countenance. The Footmen and Stablemen are dispatch'd, like Madmen, North, East, West, and South. The Trades-People, not immediately knowing the Occasion of this sudden Consternation, send from all Corners, and hope _my Lord and Lady are well_. Next Morning the Crier and the News-Papers go to work. My Lady sees no Company, forbears Plays and Operas, and every Room of the House looks as if a pestilential Distemper was raging in the Family.

Towards the close of the Evening, a Fellow in a _Soldier's Coat_, with the Dog very carefully wrapp'd up in one of the Lappets, is knocking at the Door. A Reprieve to a Malefactor the Morning of Execution, or the News of a rich Father's Death to an extravagant Heir, cannot be more welcome than two or three _Yelps_ of the _absent Animal_ shall be to all the Servants: Happy is that Servant who has the good fortune first to carry the glad Tidings to my Lady. The Fellow tells a long Story of his being at his Post in St. _James's Park_, and of his seeing the Dog under a Woman's Arm; and how he suspected her coming honestly by it, and what Fatigues and Difficulties he met with in wresting the poor Creature from her: How the Mob took part against him, and the risque he run of being sent to the _Savoy_; with twenty other Falsehoods, all which are greedily swallowed: Every Face, with Tears of Joy, standing with great Faith and Patience to hear his impudent Narration of the great Dangers that the poor _little Creature_ and _himself_ had escaped. The Thief receives the _Reward_, with perhaps a _Guinea_ over, and goes away loaded with Applauses and Blessings, for restoring Peace and Tranquillity in the Family.

The _Dogs_ that belong to private Families, and Shopkeepers, the proper time for _setting_ them is generally soon after Seven in the Morning, when the Maid neglects her _Entry_ and the _Stairs_ for a Conversation with the Baker's Journeyman, or her Master's Prentice; and a general _Tête-a-Tête_ of all the Mops and Brooms in the Neighbourhood is going forward; and a Sash Window, or a Street Door left carelesly open, whereby an opportunity is given for _Tray_ to be trick'd out of House and Home by a bit of Meat, that is generally shewn him as a Bait for that purpose. _Half a Guinea_ for bringing him home is repeated three or four times in the Advertisements, and then a _Guinea_ once or twice more; so that about Forty Shillings must be expended, before the poor _Fool_ shall be put into _statu quo_.

In the Evening, when the Ladies are going to make their Visits, their _pretty Favourites_ are too apt to follow them from the Parlour to the Street Door; and if their _Guardians_ and _Trustees_ are not sufficiently upon the watch, a Person under pretence of wanting Alms, shall not only mump Money, but carry off their _Ward_ into the bargain.

When Service is over at the Churches and Meeting-Houses on a _Sunday_, we find a great many Hands at work plying the Doors and Avenues; in hopes of picking up now and then one of these straggling _Gentry_: For there are very staunch _Church_-Folks, as well as rigid _Presbyterians_ of this Species; and I have seen some of them, whose Zeal has transported them so far, as to render themselves liable to the Penalty of Twenty Pounds, in disturbing a Preacher by loudly snarling at him, when they have been pleased not to approve of his Countenance or Doctrine.

The _Quakers_ may entertain a great many of them at their Habitations, but I believe, have few or none that can be truly said to be of their Persuasion; for I could never learn that any were ever affected with their Principles, and much less frequented their Places of Religious Worship.

Those honest City-Tradesmen and others, who so lovingly carry their Wives and Mistresses to the neighbouring Villages in Chaises to regale them on a _Sunday_, are seldom sensible of the great Inconveniences and Dangers they are exposed to: for besides the common Accidents of the Road, there are a Set of regular Rogues kept constantly in Pay to incommode them in their Passage; and these are the Drivers of what are called _Waiting Jobbs_, and other _Hackney Travelling-Coaches_ with Sets of Horses, who are commissioned by their Masters to annoy, sink, and destroy all the single and double Horse-Chaises they can conveniently meet with, or overtake in their Way, without regard to the Lives or Limbs of the Persons who travel in them. What Havock these industrious Sons of Blood and Wounds have made within twenty Miles of _London_ in the Compass of a Summer's Season, is best known by the Articles of Accidents in the common News-Papers: The miserable Shrieks of Women and Children not being sufficient to deter the Villains from doing what they call _their Duty to their Masters_; for besides their Daily or Weekly Wages, they have an extraordinary stated Allowance for every Chaise they can _reverse_, _ditch_, or _bring by the Road_, as the Term or Phrase is.

I heard a Fellow, who drove a hired Coach and four Horses, give a long Detail of a _hard Chace_ he gave last Summer to a Two-Horse Chaise, which was going with a Gentleman and three Ladies to _Windsor_. He said he first came in view of the Chaise at _Knights-Bridge_, and there put on hard after it to _Kensington_; but that being drawn by a Pair of good Cattle, and the Gentleman in the Seat pretty expert at driving, they made the Town before him; and there stopping at a Tavern-Door to take a Glass of Wine, he halted also, and whistled for his Horses to _stale_: but the Chaise not yet coming on, he affected another Delay, by pretending that one of his Horses had taken up a Stone, and so dismounting, as if to search, lay by, till the _Enemy_ had passed him; that then they kept a _Trot on_ together to _Turnham-Green_, when the People suspecting his Design again, put on: that he then whipp'd after them _for dear Blood_, thinking to have done their Business between that Place and _Brentford_. But here he was again disappointed, for the two Horses still kept their Courage, till they came between _Longford_ and _Colnbrook_, where he plainly perceived 'em begin to droop or _knock up_, and found he had then a sure Game on't. He went on leisurely after them, till both Parties came into a narrow Lane, where there was no Possibility of an Escape, when he gave his Horses a sudden Jerk, and came with such Violence upon the People, that he pull'd their Machine quite over. He said, the Cries of the Women were so loud that _the B--ches might be heard to his Master's Yard in_ Piccadilly; that there being no-body near to assist the People, he got clear off with two or three blind old Women his Passengers some Miles beyond _Maidenhead_, safe both from Pursuit and Evidence.

I have been credibly informed, that many of the Coachmen and Postillions belonging to the Quality are seduced by the Masters of the Travelling-Coaches to involve themselves in the Guilt of this monstrous Enormity, and have certain Fees for dismounting Persons on single Horses, and over-turning Chaises, when it shall suit with their Convenience to do it with _Safety_, (that is, within the Verge of the Law;) and in case of an _Action_ or _Indictment_, if the Master or Mistress will not stand by their Servant, and believe the Mischief was merely accidental, the Offender is then defended by a general Contribution from all the Stage-Coach Masters within the Bills of Mortality.

Those Hackney-Gentlemen who drive about the City and Suburbs of _London_, have by their over-grown Insolence obliged the Government to take notice of them, and make Laws for their Regulation; and as there are Commissioners for receiving the Tax they pay to the Publick, so those Commissioners have Power to hear and determine between the Drivers and their Passengers upon any Abuse that happens: and yet these ordinary Coachmen abate very little of their abusive Conduct, but not only impose in Price upon those that hire them, but refuse to go this or that way as they are call'd: whereas the Law obliges them to go wherever they are legally required, and at reasonable Hours. This Treatment, and the particular saucy impudent Behaviour of the Coachmen in demanding _t'other Twelver or Tester_ above their Fare, has been the occasion of innumerable Quarrels, Fighting and Abuses; affronting Gentlemen; frighting and insulting Women; and such Rudenesses, that no civil Government will, or indeed ought to suffer; and above all, has been the occasion of the killing several Coachmen by Gentlemen that have been provoked by the villainous Tongues of those Fellows beyond the Extent of their Patience. Their intolerable Behaviour has rendered them so contemptible and odious in the Eyes of all Degrees of People whatever, that there is more Joy seen for one Hackney-Coachman's going to the Gallows, than for a Dozen Highway-men and Street-Robbers.