ACT III.

_Enter SCHMIDT, carrying carpet-bag._

SCHMIDT. I vonder vether I can find a place vere I can sleep tonight. Here is an hotel. I will just ring the bell. (_he sets carpet-bag on stage and rings the bell._)

TEDDY (_pokes his head through the window, says_). I say, you there, what are you doing ringing dat bell all this time for?

SCHMIDT. What, you old black nigger, come at last?

TEDDY. How dare you insult? Call me no nigger. I'm de colored man from de South; and what do you want, I say?

SCHMIDT. Yaw! What you want with yat black face through dat window? Come right out here; I vant to talk business.

TEDDY. Who are you calling black? Who rang dat bell?

SCHMIDT. I've walked von thirty-five mile this day, and I want von place to sleep down on.

TEDDY. One place to sleep?

SCHMIDT. Yaw. Who keeps this hotel?

TEDDY. My mistress, sar--Mrs. Barrisnobe.

SCHMIDT. Then call that old basket up.

TEDDY. She is neither old nor a basket, sar.

SCHMIDT. Yaw! Vell, basket or no basket, call the old woman up.

TEDDY. What might your name be, sir?

SCHMIDT. I am John Schmidt.

TEDDY. I thought John Smith was dead.

SCHMIDT. No humbug! I am te original John Schmidt.

TEDDY. Well, Mr. Smith, I want my parquisites. (_goes to take carpet-bag._)

SCHMIDT. You can't steal mine garpet-bags.

TEDDY. Ye's _lying_--under a mistake.

SCHMIDT. You tell me I'm lie, I vill blow your nose off. (_squares himself, puts down carpet-bag, TEDDY takes it up--SCHMIDT scuffles with him--TEDDY trips him--he falls on stage with carpet-bag in his arms_) Oh, mine bump! If mine vrow have seen you drip up mine heels von top tis floor, un bang mine bump, she would give you fury. I will have te constobber to take you mit te bost-office. (_TEDDY helps him up._)

TEDDY. I hope you're not hurt, sir. You're mistaken; I'm the servant. (_brushes him off_) I beg your pardon, sir.

SCHMIDT (L.). You begs mine bardon. Vell, I don't care. Der ish mine hand. I am John Schmidt, von ter firm of Schmidt, Vondunder, Kelt un Co., boot un shoes tread finters, un nunder tinks.

TEDDY. I'm here, sir, waiting yer orders. What'll ye have, Mr. John Smith?

SCHMIDT. I van some lager pier un spretsel--von leetle glass dat ish not as much as tri cent.

TEDDY. A little glass, Mr. Smith! You have mouth enough to swallow a hogshead.

[_Exit TEDDY, R._

SCHMIDT. Dat ish funny fellow. He drips up mine heels, un den he pegs mine bardon; un ven I ask him for tri cent glass lager bier, he say mine mouth is pig as hogshead mouth. Ven I vash leetle poy, as no pigger ash dot, ter gals say tat mine mouth ish burty, un mine frow say tat mine mouth ish burty, un by dinks I dinks so, too.

_Enter MRS. BARRISNOBE, with bier, R._

MRS. B. Your bier, sir.

SCHMIDT. Vot vilst du haben vor tat?

MRS. B. Three cents, sir.

SCHMIDT. Yaw! Ter ish five cent--I will haben two cent change.

MRS. B. Very well, sir; I will send the change.

SCHMIDT. Landlady, have you got von leetle bit onion tat ish notinks, un tat you will give to me mitout any charges?

MRS. B. Well, that certainly is meanness. I'll see sir, and send the change.

SCHMIDT. Landlady, I have gone to sleepen, till to-morrow morning. Vot you ask for un bed?

MRS. B. Four dollars.

SCHMIDT. Four dollars! my Got un hemmel! Why, I gets un bed in Chatham Street, New York, for swelve un a half cent.

MRS. B. You will remember, sir, you are not in New York; and if you obtain a bed here, four dollars will be the charge.

SCHMIDT. Landlady, I don't mean ter bed; I only vant sometinks to lay down mit, un shut mine eyes open--sometinks dat cost not ash moch ash fifty cent.

MRS. B. There is a room next to my own, which is not occupied, you can have for four dollars. I'll send your change immediately.

SCHMIDT. Landlady--two cent change.

MRS. B. I remember--_two cents_. That is the meanest man I ever saw.

[_Exit, R._

SCHMIDT. Four dollar for one ped! Tat ish enough to set up von saving bank, un many saving bank hash got not ash moch as dat.

_Enter PRETTY POLLY with onion, R., she holds it out to him at arm's length._

POLLY. Here is your onion.

SCHMIDT. Tat ish nice leetle gal. I have got un boy tat ish un gal--she ish 'pout your age, if she ish older ash you.

POLLY. Why, sir, I am not a _little_ girl--I am nineteen.

SCHMIDT. Never mind; you are nice, good gal, un wen I goes away I will make you un present.

POLLY. Make _me_ a present, sir?--what?

SCHMIDT. Yaw--of a kiss.

POLLY. Thank you, sir; we ask double for that.

SCHMIDT. Well, I won't take some.

[_Goes up._

POLLY. He's a brute, and has no taste for luxuries.

[_Flounces out._

SCHMIDT (_at table_). Tat was a burty leetle gal, un if she hadn't charges so moch, I would make her von present mit a kiss before I go. Tis onion ish ash strong dat if you but him on top tis table for five minutes, he jumps all round so moch ash like ter spirit-knockers.

_Enter MRS. BARRISNOBE and TEDDY carrying bedstead, which they fix in position by adjusting the side posts in the two holes sunk in stage._

MRS. B. Now, Teddy, have you fixed it up nice for the gentleman?

TEDDY. Yes, ma'am.

MRS. B. Then you can go.

[_Exit._

SCHMIDT. Is this my bedroom?

MRS. B. Yes, and you can sleep on that bed for four dollars.

SCHMIDT. That bed? Why, where is the bed?

MRS. B. (_looking over the head-board_). Lor, that is so. Teddy, Teddy!

_Enter TEDDY._

TEDDY. Yes, ma'am.

MRS. B. Why, Teddy, Teddy, you never brought up the feather-bed.

TEDDY (_with surprise_). Lor, sure, where was my head?

[_Exit._

MRS. B. Teddy, have you brought the pillow?

TEDDY. Yes, ma'am; all here, (_he throws them into the bedstead, then laying himself down, says_) Ah, ah! here, nice, soft, downy bed.

SCHMIDT (_pushing him off_). Hi, you black nigger, get off of my bed!

MRS. B. Yes, sir, you can sleep on that bed for four dollars.

SCHMIDT. I told you that I did not want to buy the bed.

MRS. B. No, I do not want to sell you the bed. I'll let you that bed one night for four dollars.

SCHMIDT. No, no; me not vont to buy it, me vont it only till the morning.

MRS. B. Yes, yes; I let you the bed till morning for four dollars.

SCHMIDT. Very well; me tired, cannot stay talking, walked thirty-five miles; call me in the morning. (_lays himself down on bed._)

MRS. B. At six o'clock?

SCHMIDT. Yaw.

[_Exit MRS. B._

(_SCHMIDT is troubled with the mosquitoes; he rises, shakes the bed, lies down again, is just boasting that when the morning comes he'll walk out and forget to pay the four dollars, when he finds himself disturbed by the black servant._)

TEDDY. I say, you, here!

SCHMIDT (_remaining snugly ensconced in bed_). Well, well; what is it you want now?

TEDDY. Mrs. Barrisnobe sent me up for that four dollars.

SCHMIDT. What, didn't I pay her?

TEDDY. No, you did not.

SCHMIDT. Well, tell the old woman that I will give her the money in the morning.

TEDDY. You will pay me four dollars now.

SCHMIDT. No, not till the morning.

TEDDY. I say now.

SCHMIDT. No.

TEDDY. Oh! no, is it? I'll soon show you all about paying that money. (_exit, and returns with a broomstick, belaboring SCHMIDT all over head and body, says_) Pay me that money, will you?

SCHMIDT (_springing up from the bed, says_). Oh, yaw, yaw! I'll give you the four dollars; yaw, yaw, me no stand the clubbing.

TEDDY. Thank you, sar. I'll call you at six in the morning.

SCHMIDT. Got away with yaw six and clubbing.

[_Exit._

_Enter CLOWN._

CLOWN (_entering, gazes at the headboard of the bed, says_). Confound it! Why don't they mark the numbers plain, so that a fellow can read them? However, I will wake the man up. (_giving him a shake, says_) Charley, Charley, wake up.

SCHMIDT (_moving himself on bed restlessly_). What is the matter now?

CLOWN. The matter? Why, we are ordered for an early morning rehearsal. Get up.

SCHMIDT. I want no hearse; me not dead yet. Go away.

CLOWN. Hearse! Funerals! No. Me and you got to get to the circus and rehearse the double somersault.

SCHMIDT (_sitting bolt upright in bed, says_). I want no summer suit; my clothes are right here.

CLOWN. Oh, dear, I made a mistake. I thought you was a clown, and you are an old Dutchman. Get back into your bed. A thousand pardons.

[_Exit._

SCHMIDT. Confound it! Four dollars for a bed! First that old nigger comes and gives me a clubbing, then that other white-faced monkey comes here and wants to know if I want a hearse, a summer suit, then says it's a beefsteak.

_Enter an IRISHMAN._

PAT (_enters, says_). Ah, this must be the bed. You here, Mike? Mike, hurry up.

SCHMIDT. Hi, now, vot is all dis trouble about?

PAT. Why, Mike, hurry up; we got to catch the early morning train. We must start, you know, for Boston, and that right away. Now hurry up.

SCHMIDT. I want no train, no Boston. I paid four dollars for this bed, and I've had no sleep on it yet.

PAT. Four dollars for that bed? I don't believe it. But, I say, do you hear, hurry up, no fooling.

SCHMIDT (_rising up_). Are you going to get out of here?

PAT. Oh, dear, I've made a mistake. You are an old Dutchman, and I after an Irishman. Beg pardon. Will leave you for a good night's rest.

SCHMIDT. Confound them! Another beefsteak! Wonder if I shall get any sleep before morning!

_Enter the DOCTOR._

DOCTOR (_pushes his head in at the window, says_). I believe this is Mrs. Barrisnobe's hotel. I will enter by the front door. Ah, this must be the bed. Come, young man, are you fast asleep?

SCHMIDT. Me asleep? Vot sleep! Paid four dollars for that bed, and have gotten woken up all dis night long.

DOCTOR. A little of the deliriems-tremins, young man. You are very sick. You must take some physic. I'm the doctor.

SCHMIDT. Me vants no doctor, no physic; vant to get four dollars worth out of dis bed.

DOCTOR. But I'm the doctor. I want five dollars.

SCHMIDT. You get right out of here and I'll give you ten dollars in the morning if you will physic that old nigger down-stairs.

DOCTOR (_retreats, saying_). I see I made a mistake; gone to the wrong bed.

[_Exit._

SCHMIDT. Another beefsteak. I vonder if any more of 'em is coming up. Four dollars for dis bed!

_Enter YOUNG LADY with a long nose._

ADELINA (_shows herself at the window, says_). I think my Willie must be here. I will enter. (_she approaches the bed_) Willie, Willie.

SCHMIDT. Vot matter now? I no Willie.

ADELINA. Willie, what did you run away from me for?

SCHMIDT. Oh, vot a nose!

ADELINA. My nose, sir, is as good as yours, and more, for you have none at all.

SCHMIDT. Oh, vot a nose. (_he tries to touch the end of it._)

ADELINA (_gets excited, says_). My nose is handsomer than yours. But, Willie, Willie, what did you run away for?

SCHMIDT. Vot, me run away from you? I vood not run away from a little girl so high. (_he measures the height with his two hands._)

ADELINA. You promised to marry me, then you run away from me in Philadelphia.

SCHMIDT. Vot! Me marry you viv that 'ere nose?

ADELINA (_very passionately_). Nose or no nose, I'll not marry you at all now. You are one nasty, bad man; took me to Philadelphia, promised to marry me, then ran away. Bad man, bad man. I come right here and found you out.

[_Exit._

_Enter CAPTAIN BLOWHARD, L., with candle, which is suddenly put out as he enters._

CAPT. B. I need no light to punish a scoundrel. (_comes up, and strikes bed with whip--SCHMIDT jumps up_) So, sir, I've found you--you rascally kidnapper!

SCHMIDT. You are mistaken. I am somebody else.

CAPT. B. I _know_ you are Mr. Brown, and that's sufficient.

SCHMIDT. I am not Brown, I am te original John Schmidt.

CAPT. B. Brown or Smith, did you not decoy Adelina from her father's arms?

SCHMIDT. Nein.

CAPT. B. Did you not run away with my child?

SCHMIDT. Nein, I never run away nobody.

CAPT. B. Did you not swindle me of a hundred dollars?

SCHMIDT. Nein.

CAPT. B. Are you not a liar?

SCHMIDT. Nein. I never lie but in my bed.

CAPT. B. Is not your name Brown?

SCHMIDT. I dell you I am de original John Schmidt.

CAPT. B. I'll make you confess you are a liar, a swindler, a villain, and that your name is Brown.

SCHMIDT. Mine Got in Himmel! vot a peoples!

CAPT. B. Now, sir, (_beats him_) are you not a rascal?

SCHMIDT. Nein. (_CAPTAIN beats him_) Yaw! yaw!

CAPT. B. Are you not a swindler? (_beats him._)

SCHMIDT. Nein. I am no swindler. (_CAPTAIN beats him._)

CAPT. B. You are not? (_beats him._)

SCHMIDT. Mine Got in Himmel, yaw, I am a swindler.

CAPT. B. So much, so good.

SCHMIDT. So much, blarney bad.

CAPT. B. Are you not a liar and a villain?

SCHMIDT. Nein. (_CAPTAIN beats him_) Yaw, yaw, I am a Dutch villain, John Schmidt.

CAPT. B. No, sir, your name is Brown. Are you not Brown?

SCHMIDT. Nein. (_CAPTAIN beats him_) Yaw, yaw, I am black and blue.

CAPT. B. I am satisfied for the present, but I shall send another injured party to you. So good-night, and pleasant dreams, Mr. Brown.

[_Exit._

SCHMIDT (_sitting up in bed, crying_). Oh! oh! oh! Boo! oo--oo--oo! I shall die, I shall be killed in dis house. Oh, my poor frow! She will never see her husband, John Schmidt, not any no more. What will become of me!

TEDDY (_without, L._). I'll find him, Captain.

SCHMIDT. Te Old Harry, dere is un under one! He sha'n't find John Schmidt. (_jumps out of bed, finds carpet-bag, goes up to window_) Here is von window; now I will jump out. (_carpet-bag drops out of his hand. Crash without_) Dere goes mine carpet-bag; now I will jump out. (_dog barks_) Now I will _not_ jump out. I will go--I know what I will do. I will fool them this time. (_he crawls beneath the bed_) I'm right snug here now, they no find me out.

_Enter POLICEMAN._

OFFICER. This is the hotel. I wonder if I can find the man that robbed that bank. I'll just search round. Nobody in that bed; wonder if he is hid beneath the mattress. (_pokes at it with his club_) Sometimes they conceal themselves beneath the bed itself. I'll just look. (_he looks beneath_) Oh, here you are, caught at last. (_beats him out of his concealment with his club_) Did you not rob the Manhattan Bank?

SCHMIDT. No--I robbed nothing.

OFFICER. Did you not run away with the Squire's daughter?

SCHMIDT. No, I ran off with nothin'.

OFFICER. Did you not rob the National Bank?

SCHMIDT. No, I done nothin'.

OFFICER. Nothing, aye. Ah, what do you call nothing? (_he sets to and gives him a vigorous clubbing_) You didn't rob the bank--aye, aye.

SCHMIDT. Yaw, yaw; hold off, I say. I did rob the bank. Yaw, yaw.

OFFICER (_getting a clearer view of his man, says_). Oh, lor, you are not the man now, after all. The man that I am after has an Irish pug nose, and you are an old Dutchman. Get back into your bed. I made a mistake.

SCHMIDT. Yaw, another beefsteak. Vonder when they'll stop coming and let von fellow get von little sleep.

_Enter GHOST, who opens and closes his ghostly teeth._.

SCHMIDT. Oh, vot is o'stealing o'er me? I tremble, I shake. Oh, that clubbing! (_he sees the GHOST; he trembles_) Oh, oh! Four dollars for a bed in a haunted house.

[_Exit GHOST._

_Enter LAWYER._

SCHMIDT. Now that horrid ghost is gone, vill try and get some sleep.

LAWYER. Mr. Timothy Slobberchops.

SCHMIDT. Vot now--von you another ghost?

LAWYER. No, sir, I be no ghost; I'm a lawyer.

SCHMIDT. I vant no lawyer.

LAWYER. Give me my retainer.

SCHMIDT. Retainer? Vot do yer call that?

LAWYER. Money. Hand me fifty dollars.

SCHMIDT (_with surprise_). Vant fifty dollars? Vot for?

LAWYER. Did you not send for me to get a divorce from your wife?

SCHMIDT (_lies down on his bed_). Diworce from my vife? I got no wife. I want no retainer; I vant four dollars out of this bed.

LAWYER. I see they have been fooling me. That man hasn't a cent of money. I'll make tracks.

[_Exit._

SCHMIDT[1] (_now sits up in bed and sings his little song_).

Ven first I leaft dot Farderland, Or set me out to roam, My heart was light and happy As could be.

But now I feel so lonely, Ven I tink me of my home, Of dot little Ditcher home Across der sea.

Vell, I guess dot now I'll lay down till the morning.

_Enter MRS. BARRISNOBE._

SCHMIDT. Veel, I do declare. I've been disturbed all night long with those black and white ghosts. I must get some sleep, for by and by that old woman will be coming up.

MRS. B. (_looking through the window_). Well I never! There is that Dutchman sleeping now. I'll just go and wake him up. (_she approaches the bed_) Hi, sir, you, here!

SCHMIDT. Vell, vot is de matter now?

MRS. B. It is seven o'clock, sir.

SCHMIDT. Vell, I paid four dollars for this bed, and I have not had an inch of sleep out of it yet.

MRS. B. Well, I only let you the bed for one night for four dollars.

SCHMIDT. Vell, you have let those ghosts and fellows trouble me all night, and I have not had four cents' worth yet.

MRS. B. It is an hour past six, sir.

SCHMIDT. Vell, what of that?

MRS. B. I want you out of here.

SCHMIDT. Not till I've had four dollars' worth.

MRS. B. I'll soon teach you what I mean. Here, Mary, Mary! Come up directly.

_Enter NEGRESS._

MARY. Yes, ma'am, I'm here.

MRS. B. Fetch that man out of bed.

MARY. What! He in bed yet? I'll soon make him clear. (_exit, and re-enters with a broomstick, belabors the DUTCHMAN all over, says_) You get out of this bed, will you? Sharp, quick!

SCHMIDT (_hustles quickly out of the bed_). Vot! Me pay four dollars for that bed, and have no sleep on it all dis night?

MRS. B. I let you that bed for one night for four dollars, and now it is time that you was about your business.

SCHMIDT. Vot's that you are saying?

MRS. B. } MARY. } (_in chorus_). You get out of here, mighty quick.

SCHMIDT. Four dollars for a bed! Then I takes it along with me. (_he lays hold of and removes the bed, but MARY and MRS. B. force it from him, and whilst they are depositing it below, he tugs at the bedstead, removing it, says_) I'll take this along. (_MARY and SCHMIDT combat for the possession of it, to and fro from end to end of the stage. MARY at last succeeds in removing it below. SCHMIDT, however, remains, singing_)

Four dollars for a sleep, In dis haunted hotel, Clubbed and waken'd up, All the long, long night through.

MARY (_returns with a broomstick, vigorously belabors SCHMIDT, who is glad to beat a hasty retreat, saying_) I never vill vant to take four dollars' worth at dis hotel when I come dis way again.

[_Exit._

The Negro here pops his head above the stage, announces that the next show will take place in the course of fifteen minutes, with a change of programme.