Chapter 2
"As you are both a Knight and a Gentleman (which now-a-days don't always meet in one Man) I will make bold to Expostulate with you upon a Bill depending in the House of Commons, I mean that against _Duelling_. Every good Subject has a right of dissenting to any Bill propos'd, either by petition, or Pamphlet, before it passes into a Law; and this concerns the Honour of all Orders of Men from the Prince to the private Gentleman. I make free to tell you in a Word, if this passes, there's an End of _good Manhood_ in the King's Dominions. How must all the Important Quarrels, which happen in Life, among men of Honour, be decided? Must a heedless sawcy Coxcomb frown, or tread upon a Gentleman's Toes with Impunity? No, I suppose, the great Cause of Honour must be determined by the womanish Revenge of Scolding; and when two Peers or Gentlemen have had some manly Difference, they must chuse their _Seconds_ from _Billingsgate_ or the _Bar_--Consider, Sir, how many brave Gentleman have comfortably kept good Company, and had their Reckoning always paid, only by shewing a _broad Blade_, and cherishing a fierce Pair of _Whiskers_. Good Manners must certainly die with Chivalry; for what keeps all the pert Puppies about Town in Awe, but the Fear of being call'd to Account? Don't you know that there are a Set of impertinent Wretches, who are always disturbing publick Assemblies with Riots and Quarrels, only upon a presumption of being hinder'd from fighting, by the Crowd? There will be no end of such Grievances, if this Law takes Place. Besides, Sir, I hope it will be consider'd, what will become of us Brothers of the Blade; the Art we profess will grow of no Use to Mankind; and, of Consequence, we shall be expos'd to Poverty and Disgrace. Consider, Sir, how many bright Qualifications must go to the finishing one of us; we require Parts as elegant, generous, and manly, as any Profession whatsoever; therefore, I hope, that some publick Spirit in the House of Commons, who is a Lover of his Country, and a Friend to Arts and Sciences, will start up and distinguish himself against this Bill. You know that our Profession is justly call'd the Noble _Science_ of _Defence_, and makes a considerable Branch of the _Mathematicks_; if the Ignorant should gain this Point against us, they won't stop here; no doubt, their Design is to attack all Arts and Sciences, and beat them one by one quite out of the Nation; the _Assault_, 'tis true, seems only made against us; but wise Men foresee that all Learning is in Danger. Our Adversaries are upon the _Longe_ with their Swords just at our Breasts, I desire therefore your Advice and Assistance, in what _Guard_ we must stand to _parry_ this fatal _Thrust_. Yours,
"FLANKANADE."
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Printed for W. BOREHAM, at the _Angel_ in _Pater-Noster-Row_, where Advertisements and Letters from Correspondents are taken in.
Numb. XVIII.
THE
THEATRE.
By Sir _JOHN FALSTAFFE_.
_To be Continued every_ Tuesday _and_ Saturday.
Price Two-pence.
_Totum hominem Deus adsumit, quia totus ab ipsô est; Et totum redimit quem sumpserat, omne reducens Quicquid homo est, istud Tumulis, ast istud Abyssô._
Prudent.
[Greek: Phthenxomai hois themis osti, thuras d' epithesthe bebêlois.]
Orpheus.
Saturday, _April 16. 1720._
The Person, who confines himself to the Task of writing a Paper of Entertainment, is not thereby obliged to be continually ludicrous in his Composition, or to expect that his Readers should always be upon the broad Grin. The _rational_, as well as _risible_, Faculties are to be exercised; and if I think fit to be too precisely serious to Day, my good-natur'd Customers will give me an Indulgence, and believe that I will make it up to them with Mirth on _Tuesday_.
As I devoted the spare Hours of yesterday to Meditation, I could not help reflecting, what little Notion we have at this Time of _Prodigies_ and _Phenomena_, that are not in the common Course of Nature. We are grown _Epicureans_ in our Principles, and force our selves to believe, that it is Fear, Superstition, or Ignorance, to fancy that Providence sends the World a Warning in extraordinary Appearances: We buoy our selves up, that we only want such a Portion of Philosophy to account for what startles the Grossness of Sense, and to know that such Appearances must have their Cause in Nature, tho' we cannot readily determine where to fix it. This brings to my Mind, when _Glendour_ was boasting in the Play, that at his Nativity the Heavens were full of fiery Shapes, and the Foundation of the Earth shook like a Coward; _Hotspur_ reply'd humourously, _Why so it would have done at the same Season, if your Mother's Cat had but kitten'd, tho' your self had never been born_.
If we are to think so slightly of these uncommon Accidents, since the Fashion of the Times will call them so, I would fain be resolved in one Point, how it comes to pass, that the Birth and Death of so many eminent Persons, and of Consequence to the World, have been mark'd and usher'd in with such a Pomp of Prodigies. The same great Poet, whom I but now quoted, observes finely, that,
_When Beggars die, there are no Comets seen: The Heav'ns themselves blaze forth the Death of Princes._
The whole Concurrence of Historians, even of the most undoubted Authority, have struck in, and espoused this Opinion. They are not all Fools and superstitious Dotards, nor tied by any Obligations to record a Set of Miracles, which in their own private Thoughts they counted absurd, and laugh'd at. Every Pen, that has touch'd the Circumstance of _Julius Cæsar's_ Death, has consented to relate the Strange Things, which both foresaw and foretold his Assassination. _Shakespear_ has communicated these Terrors to his Audience with the utmost Art: The Night is attended with Thunder and Lightning; and _Cæsar_ comes forth in his Night-gown, reflecting on the Unquietness of the Season, and ordering the Priests to do present Sacrifice: _Calphurnia_ immediately follows him; and the Undauntedness of his Spirit, attack'd by the Tenderness of his Wife's Tears, gives an Occasion for the following Recital.
Cæsar, _I never stood on Ceremonies; Yet now they fright me: There is one within, Besides the Things that we have heard and seen, Recounts most horrid Sights seen by the Watch. A Lioness hath whelped in the Streets; And Graves have yawn'd, and yielded up their Dead: Fierce fiery Warriours fight upon the Clouds, (In Ranks and Squadrons, and right Forms of War) Which drizzled Blood upon the_ Capitol. _The Noise of Battle hurried in the Air, Horses did neigh, and dying Men did groan, And Ghosts did shriek, and squeal about the Streets. O_ Cæsar! _These Things are beyond all Use, And I do fear them_.
The Poet, tho' he has adorned this Description by his Art, has been careful to collect its Substance from the Historians. Every Particular is preserved to us by the _Heathen_ Writers; and not a _Heathen_, that we know of, did ever dispute the Truth of it. The Love and Esteem which the Generality bore to the Person of _Cæsar_, the Reverence which they paid to the Dignity of his Character, and the important Services which he had done the Commonwealth, contributed not only to convince them of these Prodigies, but to make some effort, that the Gods had received him into their Number.
The Use, which I intended from this Subject, is, that as _Christians_, who have more invaluable Obligations to remember, we should suffer our Faith and Gratitude to extend as least as far as the _Pagans_ did. There was a dread Time (for the Commemoration whereof a Day is annually set a-part) _when the Sun was eclipsed, and Darkness was over all the Land; when the Vail of the Temple was rent asunder from the Top to the Bottom; when the Earth quaked, and Rocks were split; when the Graves were opened, and the Bodies of Saints, which slept in Death, arose and walked_. Let _Atheists_ alone, and _Freethinkers_ disbelieve the Terrors of that Hour. 'Twas fit that Nature should feel such Convulsions, when the Lord of Life suffered such Indignities.
I almost fear least my Readers should suspect that I am usurping the Province of the Pulpit, and therefore I shall continue this Discourse in the Words of a Poet, who will ever be esteemed in the _English_ Tongue. When _Adam_ is doom'd to be turn'd out of Paradise, _Milton_ has by a happy Machinery supposed, that the Angel _Michael_ is dispatched down to pronounce the Sentence, and mitigate it by shewing _Adam_ in Vision, what should happen to his Posterity. Amongst the rest, the _Incarnation_ is shadowed out; and the Angel tells him, that the _Messiah_ shall spring from _his_ Loins, and make a Satisfaction for the Punishment, which _he_ by his Transgression had earned on himself and his Race.
_For this he shall live hated, be blasphem'd, Seis'd on by Force, judg'd, and to Death condemn'd, A shameful and accurst, nail'd to the Cross By his own Nation, slain for bringing Life; But to the Cross He nails thy Enemies The Law that is against thee, and the sins Of all Mankind, with him there crucified, Never to hurt them more, who rightly trust In this his Satisfaction: So he dies, But soon revives; Death over him no Power Shall long usurp: e'er the third dawning Light Return, the Stars of Morron shall see him rise Out of his Grave, fresh as the dawning Light, The Ransom paid, which Man from Death redeems._
I cannot better conclude the Triumph of this Promise, than by the Speech, in which _Adam_ expresses his Joy and Wonder at these glad Tidings.
_'O Goodness infinite! Goodness immense, That all this Good of Evil shall produce, And Evil turn to Good; more wonderful Than that, which by Creation first brought forth Light out of Darkness! Full of doubt I stand, Whether I should repent me now of Sin By me done and committed, or rejoice Much more, that much more Good thereof shall spring._
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Printed for W. BOREHAM, at the _Angel_ in _Pater-Noster-Row_, where Advertisements and Letters from Correspondents are taken in.
Numb. XX.
THE
THEATRE.
By Sir _JOHN FALSTAFFE_.
_To be Continued every_ Tuesday _and_ Saturday.
Price Two-pence.
_Tristius baud illis monstrum, nec sævior ulla Pestis, & ira Deum_, Stygiis _sese extulit oris._
Virg.
Saturday, _April 23. 1720._
It is very odd to consider, yet very frequently to be remark'd, that tho' we have all so many Passions and Appetites pushing for the Government of us, and every one of us has a Portion of Reason, that, if permitted, would regulate our Conduct: yet we are obstinate not to be directed by that Reason, and give the Rein and Regulation of our Actions over to the Passions and Appetites of other People. This is putting our selves upon the Foot of _Epicurus's_ Deities, who were too indolent to look after the World themselves, and left the Task of Providence to Chance and Second Causes.
I grant, it is very necessary that our Misconduct should be assisted, and set right by wiser Judgment; but the Danger is, and especially among the Female Sex, into what Hands this Power of Direction is committed. The Trust of Friendship is so often betrayed, and the Duty of the Office postponed to private Interest, that it is a Question whether we are not safer, while we give a Loose to our own extravagant Excursions. The Institution of _Douegnas_, or Governesses in _Spain_, we do not doubt, was a Design well befitting the Caution of that wise and reserved Nation; but the Corruption of the Persons intrusted, soon brought them into so much Disreputation, that they became the Objects of hatred and Scandal.
Don _Francisco de Quevedo_, in his general Satires, has set these Vermin in such a Light, as gives a shrewd Suspicion of their having been mischievous in his own Family. He dreams that he is got within the Confines of Death, and, among the other visionary Figures presented, he is encountred by an old _Governante_. _How's this_! says he, in a great Amazement, _Have ye any of those Cattle in this Country? Let the Inhabitants pray heartily for Peace then; and all little enough to keep them quiet_. In short, he makes the old Gentlewoman acquaint him, that she had been Eight Hundred Years in Hell, upon a Design to erect an Order of the _Governantes_; but the Right Worshipful _Satanic_ Commissioners were not as yet come to any Resolution upon the Point: For, they said, if your _Governantes_ should come once to settle there, there would be no Occasion for any other Tormentors, and the Devils themselves would be but so many _Jacks out of Office_. _I have been_, says she, _too in_ Purgatory _upon the same Project, but there so soon as ever they set Eyes upon me, all the Souls cried out unanimously_, Libera nos, Domine. _And as for_ Heaven, _That's no Place for Quarrels, Slanders, Disquiets, Heart-burnings, and consequently none for_ Me.
These are the _Douegna's_ which the Suspicions of the _Spaniards_ at first intended as Spies upon the Conduct of their Wives and Daughters. We have a Species of _Governantes_ among us in _England_, who being admitted into a Familiarity in Families, by Policy improve it into Friendship: this Friendship lets them into a Degree of Trust, which they are diligent to turn into the best Advantage; and having always little servile Ends of their own to obtain, their surest Step is to sow Dissention, and strengthen their own Interest, by alienating the Affections of the Wife from her Husband; whose _Bread_ they are eating at the same Time, that they are undermining his _Quiet_ in the nearest Concerns of Life.
Making a Visit the other Day to my Friend _Gellius_, who happened to be abroad, I found the Partner of his Bosom _Clarissa_, and her eternal Companion _Drusilla_, all in Tears. I was not received with that open Familiarity, which was used to be shewn me; and I observed something in them of that kind of Reserve, which is common with People who are under some great Affliction. I at first apprehended, that some fatal Accident had happen'd to the Person or Circumstances of my Friend; but, upon Inquiry, I was set easy as to these Fears, tho' they would give me no Hint, by which I might guess at the Cause of their Disquietude. Finding them in a Disposition so unapt for Mirth, I took my Leave; judging, it could be no worse than some little domestick Misunderstanding, occasion'd, perhaps, by a disagreeable Command on the Side of the Husband, or some Contradiction on the Side of the Wife. But my Man, who is very intimate with all the Servants, has since let me into the Secret. It seems, there is a strange Union of Souls between these two Ladies; from what Affinity of Disposition, or mysterious Impulse, is a Secret only known to Nature and themselves. They love and hate alike; their Sympathies and Antipathies are the same; and all Joys are tasteless to the One, without the Company and Participation of the Other. Their Affection is of that tender, that delicate Nature, that the smallest Jealousie, the least Unkindness blasts it. It happen'd one Day, that _Clarissa_ was more than commonly civil to her Husband: There was something past between them, that look'd like Fondness, and this in the Presence of _Drusilla_: Who can express the Passions that struggled in the Female Rival's Soul? Despair, Rage, Jealousie, and Anguish at once possess'd her; and it was now Time to retire to Sleep; the Lady with her Husband withdrew to Bed, and the jealous Friend likewise committed her self to her Pillow, tho' not to Rest. Her Soul was busied with the bitter Reflexion of what had past, and what further Endearments might be practis'd. Unable to compose her self, she resolves to rise, and pretends Sickness: _Clarissa_ is disturbed from the Embraces of her Husband; nor is suffer'd to go back to the Bed of Wedlock, till she has promis'd her disgusted Friend, by a forc'd Indifference to restrain the Liberties of the inamour'd _Gellius_.
The learned Times, I find, were not unacquainted with these _Female Intimacies_: And by the Names they affix'd to the Persons practising them, which I shall forbear to mention, 'tis plain they put none of the best Constructions on their Familiarities.
_Plato_, I remember, offers at a Reason in Nature for such Conversations. He tells us, that at first Mankind were made with _Two_ Heads, _Four_ Arms, _Four_ Legs, and so every Way double: that of these, there were _three_ Sorts; some, double Men; some, double Women; and some Hermaphrodites. _Jupiter_, upon an Offence committed, split them all into _Two's_; from whence arises in Mankind that Desire of a Companion, as his other half to perfect his Being. The Consequence of this Division was, that they, who in their original State were _double Men_, are still fond of the _Ganymede's_ with smooth Chins; and they, who were at first _double Women_, are at this Day enamoured of their own Sex, and _Platonicks_ as to any Commerce with Ours.
I have heard so much to the Disadvantage of these _Inamorata's_, that I consider a Man, who is link'd to such a Wife, in the State of the _Lover_ and his _Two Mistresses_ in the _Fable_. The one, who was a little turned in Years, pulled out all his _black_ Hairs, to make him look nearer to her Standing: and the other, who was in her Bloom, pick'd out all the _grey_ ones, that the World might not suspect she had an Old Man; 'till between them, they made him as bald as Father _Time_ himself.
I shall conclude with the Story of an unfortunate Gentleman, who had suffer'd heavily in this Way, and went abroad to avoid his Slavery. As he was travelling from _Madrid_ to _Valladolid_, he found himself belated, and wanted to take up his Night's Quarters in some middle Place. He was informed, the nearest Way would bring him to a small Village, call'd _Douegnas_; which with us would be the Village of _Governesses_. _But is there no other Place_, said he, _within some reasonable Distance, either short of, or beyond it_? They told him, No, unless it were at a _Gallows_. _Nay, there shall be my Quarters then_, said he, _I am resolved; for a Thousand_ Gibbets _are not so bad to me as One_ Douegna.
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Printed for W. BOREHAM, at the _Angel_ in _Pater-Noster-Row_, where Advertisements and Letters from Correspondents are taken in.
Numb. XXI.
THE
THEATRE.
By Sir _JOHN FALSTAFFE_.
_To be Continued every_ Tuesday _and_ Saturday.
Price Two-pence.
[Greek: Kronidês phrenas exeleto Zeus].
Homer.
Tuesday, _April 26. 1720._
The Writer who attempts either to divert, or instruct the Town, has, perhaps, a worse Chance of succeeding now, than in any Age before. The Conversation of the World is changed, Gaiety and Mirth are banished from Society, and the buisy Affair of Avarice has taken up the Thoughts of every Company; if a Man in a Coffee-House takes up a _News-Paper_, the first Thing he turns to is the Price of the _Stocks_; if he looks over the _Advertisements_, it is in Quest of some new _Project_; when he has finished his Enquiry, and mixes in Conversation, you hear him expatiate upon the Advantage of some favourite Project, or curse his Stars for missing the lucky Moment of buying as he intended at the Rise of the South-Sea. Another complains of the Roguery of some Broker or Director, whom he intrusted; this I have heard canvass'd over and over, with so many Aggravations of Meanness and Knavery against each other, that, I confess, I shall never see a poor Malefactor go to suffer Death for robbing another of ten Pounds upon the High-Way, but I shall look with Compassion on his Condition, and perhaps reflect secretly upon the Partiality of publick Justice. I know so many little infamous Frauds, so many Breaches of Honour, and Friendship, in the Conduct of these Persons, that I should think it a Piece of Justice to expose them, could I imagine it would bring them to Shame or Amendment; but I shall leave them to work their Way to _Wealth_ and _Contempt_, which I presume they will be very well contented with; nor envy any Man the Merit of his Poverty and good Nature. But I cannot forbear admiring the Nature of Projects, and by what furious Impulse Mankind is carried into them: No Person asks the Question, whether they be for the Good of the Nation; for, it seems to me, that no Man cares, provided he gets by them himself.
We use our Country like our Step-Mother, we have no natural Affection for her, we are Foreigners to her Blood, and when we have sucked her dry, we make no Returns of Gratitude in her Necessities, but turn her loose to shift for her self; I think this the Case, if you consider the Condition of a rising Project, which every Man that's concerned in, intends to get out of, and declares he will not trust too long.
I have very little Capacity, or Inclination, to argue upon this Subject; and being a little indolent withal, I shall take the Liberty of entertaining to Day with a Story, that lies ready at my elbow; and which I declare before-hand, has no significant Meaning in it, that I know of: If the Sagacity of my Readers can make more of it than my self, in God's Name, let them please themselves with the Application.