Chapter 8

Now young Father, do but observe what fine airy complements will be presented to you at their parting. Every one thanks you for your kind and cordial entertainment, and not one of them forgets to wish that you may the next year either have a Daughter to your Son, or a Son to your Daughter; imagining then that all things is well, when you receive such a full crop: But I am most apt to beleeve that all their wishes aim at the But of coming next year again to the Gossips Feast, to toss up the Gossips-bowl, and in telling of a bobbinjo story they peep into all nooks and corners.

Well, O new Father, this Pleasure begins to come to a conclusion; but prithee tell me, would not a body wish for the getting of such another, that his Wife might make a journy to the Parsly-bed twice a year?

Now Nurse have at you; you shall now reap the fruit of all your running and going early & late to invite them. Oh thinks she by her self, would but every shilling change it self into a crown-peece. But Nurse you'l hardly be troubled with a fit of that yellow Jaundies sickness, for there's no drug at the Apothecaries, nor any lice among the Beggars that can cure you of it. And I dare say Nurse, that you'l go nigh to perceive that its a very hard time, and mony mighty scarce: because formerly the women used to put their hands more liberally in their purses, and one gave a crown, another half a crown; but the times are now so strangely altered, that they keep little mild-shillings only for that use, nay some of them rub it off with a couple of their Grandams gray groats. But howsoever I hope for your sake, it will not be here according as often happens, fair promises but no performances; for if it should, I protest ye ought to have made your bargain to have had a peece more at the least for your Nurse keeping; or otherwise you must have had the full liberty to toss up the remains of all that was left in the Gossipping Bowls, or else to have carried the key of the Wine Cellar alwaies in your pocket, and then after the feeding and swathing the child, you might in the twinkling of an eye, swinge up a lustly glass upon the good health of the Father, Child-bed mother and the Child; for the Wine was laid in to be made use of to that end and purpose; and it is commonly known that the Nurses are not so mealy mouth'd; for although they don't do it that every one should see it, they'l be sure with the Maid to get their shares in one corner or other. But you must for this again think, that the freer you let them take their swing herein, the more care they will take for the Child.

Now Nurse, don't spare to make good use of your time, for it belongs amongst other things to this Pleasure; and the new Father will nevertheless be turning about to another mirth, and then you may be sure to expect to have a God be w'ye. Therefore make much of your self, and toss up your glasses stoutly at the Wine-Cask; who knows whether you may have the opportunity this twelve month again to meet with such a good Nurse-keeping; a liquorish sweet-tooth'd Child-bed woman, & a plentifull housekeeping, is not every where. And you may certainly beleeve, that the month will be no sooner ended, then that you'l begin to stink here; for the Mistris will begin to consider with her self, that she can make a shift with the Maid and Wet-Nurse; so that then you must expect to get your undesired Pass.

Then you must return back again to your own lodging, that dark, moist and mournfull Cell, and satisfie your self, if you can get it, with a mess of milk and brown George, or some such sort of lean fare. So that you'l have time enough to wast away that fulsomness and fogginess of body, that you have gotten in your Nurse-keeping. For there's no body that will give you any thing, or thinks in the least upon your attendance, unless they want you again.

O new Father, pray for it to come again within a twelve month, that you may have a renewing of this pleasure once more; for it is with the Nurse-taking its leave, and will conduct you to a following.

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THE TENTH PLEASURE.

_A great Child-bed Feast is kept, and the Child put in Cloaths._

Oh how pleasant is th'estate of married people, above that of Batchelors and Maids? how it distributes Mirths and Pleasures! Verily one may in some measure recogitate or write something of it, but it is impossible to imprint so Sun-like a splendor in Potters clay, or to display it with the most curious Colours. Though the accomplishedst Painter might have drawn it very near the life, yet it would be but a dead draught, in comparison of the reality and experience that is found in it self. You have already seen here nine Parts or Tables but it is not ninety Pictures that can sufficiently shew you the fulness of one of the nine Parts.

Be therefore chearfully merry, O sweet Couple, because you are in so short a time arisen to the height of being possessors of all these Pleasures: And so much the more, the ninth being hardly past, before the tenth follows, as it were treading upon the heels of the t'other.

They have scarce wiped their mouths or digested the Child-bed Wine in their stomacks, before there starts up a new day of mirth & jollity; for now there must be a Child-bed feast kept & the child must be put in Cloaths. O what two vast Pleasures are these for the young Father! 'tis indeed too much joy for one person alone to be possessor of.

At first you had the Pleasure for to treat the Women, those pretty pleasing Creatures, and to hear all their sweet and amiable discourses. But now you shall be honoured with treating the Matron like Midwife, and those Men and Women that are your kindest friends and nearest relations; Yea and the God-Fathers and God-Mothers also who will all of them accompany you with courteous discourses and pleasant countenances: They will begin a lusty Bowl or thumping glass, _super naculum_ drink it out, upon the health & prosperity of you, your Bedfellow and young Son; and very heartily wish that you may increase and multiply, at least every year with one new Babe; because that they then might the better come to the Child-bed Feast.

Here you'l see now how smartly they'l both lick your dishes, and toss your Cups and Glasses off. Begin you only some good healths, as; pray God bless his Majesty and all the Royal Family: the Prosperity of our Native Country; all the Well wishers of the Cities welfare, &c. And when you have done, they'l begin; and about it goes to invest you with the honour and name, in a full bowl to the Father of the Family; Well is not that a noble title; such a Pleasure alone is worth a thousand pounds at lest.

And whilest the Men are busie this way; the good woman with the other Women are contriving on the other side how the Child ought to be put in Cloaths upon the best and modishest manner: For she is resolved to morrow morning to be Church'd, & in the afternoon she'l go to market.

She accomplishes the first well enough, but is at a damnable doubt in the second part of her resolution; for by the way, in the Church, and in the streets, she hath continually observed severall children, and the most part of them dressed up in severall sorts of fashions: Some of them she hath a great fancy for, but then she doubts whether that be the newest mode or not. One seems too plain and common, which makes her imagine in her thoughts; that's too Clownish. But others stand very neat and handsom. 'Tis true, the Stuf and the Lining is costly and very dear; but then again it is very comly and handsom. And then again she thinks with her self, as long as I am at Market, I'd as good go through stirch with it; and make but one paying for all; it is for our first, and but for a little child, not for a great person; therefore it is better to take that which is curious and neat, the price for making is all one; besides it will be a great Pleasure for my husband when he sees how delicately the child is drest up, and his mony so extraordinarily well husbanded.

Now, my dearest, pray be you merry: if the stuf hath cost somthing much, you have need but of little; and it is for your first. When it grows bigger, or that you get more, you must part with much more mony. Don't grudge at this for once, because then you would spoil all your mirth and Pleasure with it. Rejoice that you have a Wife, who is not only good to fetch children out of the Parsley Bed; but is also very carefull to see them well nourished, and neat and cleanly cloath'd. You your self have the praise and commendation of it. Let her alone a while, for women must have their wills; say but little to her, for her brains are too much busied already; and it may be that in three hours time, you would hardly get three words of answer from her; and suppose you should relate somthing or other to her, this shall be your answer from her at last, that she did not well understand you, because all her thoughts, nay her very sences do as it were glide to & again, one among another continually, to order the dressing up of her child.

I am very well assured, O new invested Husband, that your wits at present run a Wool-gathering, because that both Merchandize and Trade are neither of them so quick as you would fain see them; and by reason of this tedious and destructive War, monies is horrible scarce, nothing near so plentifull as you could wish it to be: But comfort your self herewith, that it hath hapned oft-times to others, & will yet also happen oftner to you. Yet this is one of the least things; but stay a little, to morrow or next day the Nurse goes away. This seems to be a merriment indeed; for then you'l have an Eater, a Stroy-good, a Stuf-gut, a Spoil-all, and Prittle-pratler, less than you had before.

You are yet so happy that you have a Wet-Nurse, that carefully looks after the Child; by which means both you and your Wife are freed from tossing and tumbling with it in the night: whilest others, on the contrary, that have no Wet-Nurses in their houses; begin first to tast, when the Dry-Nurse goes away, what a Pleasure it is that the Child must be set by the Bedside, and the charge thereof left unto both Father & Mother, when it oftentimes happens that the good woman is yet so weak, she can neither lay the Child in, nor take it out of the Cradle; insomuch that the Father here must put a helping hand to't, because he is of a stronger constitution, and hath the greatest share in it.

By my faith such as those are they who have the first and true tast of the Kernel of the Tenth Pleasure; because the husband ought as then, out of a tender affection for his wife to rock continually, that she might take her rest; otherwise she would not get any suck in her breasts for the Child: And happy they are somtimes, if they come off with but rocking the most part of the night; for many times it happens, that the Child is so restless and unquiet, that Father, Mother, & Maid; nay and all whatsoever is in the house must out of their beds to quiet it; and though they use a thousand tricks and stratagems, yet all's to no purpose.

And yet this is but a small matter for them neither; for before a few months are past, the child begins to get teeth; and bawls and cries so night & day, that they can tell the clock all the night long; wishing a thousand thousand times over that they might see day-break; and so by the comfortable assistance of day-light receive a little solace for all their toiling and tumbling too and again.

Yet I would advise such as these, that they must in no manner be discomforted at this; if they intend to demonstrate that they have learnt somthing in the School of Marriage, to exercise their patiences: But, on the contrary, to shew themselves contented with all things; being assured, that hereafter when all this trouble is past, they shall receive the happiness, that the child will return them thanks with its pretty smiles; and in time also will salute them with a slabbering cocurring. And I beleeve now that they clearly find that all things do not go so even in this World, as they well imagined: And that the fairest Sunshine of Marriage, may be somtimes darkned with a Cloudy Storm.

You married people, that have the help of a Wet-Nurse, receive a much greater advantage in participating of the Pleasures of Marriage, neither need you to be troubled with tossing & dandling of the child in the night.

O, young House-Father, this is a most incomparable Pleasure for you! For now you may most certainly see the approach of a Daughter to your Son; and by that means reap the possession again of all those former Pleasures; & by every one be saluted with the Title that you are an excellent good Artist.

If it be so, be carefull that you do not gad up and down with your wife too much on horseback, or in Coaches; for fear it might make her miscarry. But you have learnt all these things well enough at the first, and without doubt have kept them well in remembrance.

Do but behold, in the mean time, what an unexpressible Pleasure your dearly Beloved hath in the tricking up of her sweet Baby in the most neatest dresses. What a World of pains she takes & spends her spirits, to make the Tailor understand, according to what fashion she will have it made; & to hasten him that all things may be ready and totally finisht against Sunday next.

O new Father, now open your eys! Behold what a pretty Son you have! How happy you are in so loving and understanding a Wife that knows how to trick it so curiously up in this manner! She was never better pleased! Undoubtedly the Summer nights are too long, and the daies too short for her to gad up and down traversing the streets of the City, that she may fullfill her desire of shewing it to every body: never was any thing more neatly drest. But the Nurse and the Maid with the Child in the mean while at Jericho; for their very backs and sides seem to be absolutely broken with carrying it up & down from day to day. And most especially when the Child is wean'd, and the Wet-Nurse turn'd away, the Maid cannot let it penetrate into her brain; that she now not only the whole week must rock, sing, dandle, dress, and walk abroad with it; but that she is upon Sundaies also bound to the Child, like a Dog to a halter; and never can stir out, as she formerly did, to walk abroad with _Giles the Baker_, or _John True the Tailor_; nor so much as go once to give a visit to her Country-folks or kindred; which occasions no small difference between the Maid and the Mistriss.

But good House Father, never trouble your self at it, for this belongs also to the Pleasures of Marriage; nor do not seem discontented because your Dearest walks abroad thus every day; but rather think with your self, she takes her spinning Wheel and reel along with her. And if in her absence, you have not that due attendance, nor find that in the house and Kitchin things are not so well taken care for, why then, you must imagine to be satisfied with th'assistance of the Semstress, or some such sort of person, as well as you were when you enjoied the Eighth Pleasure: You must also observe, that if the Child should sit much, it might get crooked legs, and then the sweet Babe were ruined for ever. It is also too weak yet to be any waies roughly handled; but it begins from day to day to grow stronger and stronger: Also with your Dearest carrying it abroad continually to visit all your friends and acquaintance, it learns by degrees to eat all things, and drinks not only Beer, but some Wine too. And I assure you it is no small Pleasure for the Father and Mother to see that this little young Gosling can so perfectly distinguish the tast of the Wine, from the tast of the Beer: tho when it is come to some elder years, perhaps they would give a hundred pound, if they could but wean it from it. But that's too far to be lookt into. And care too soon taken makes people quickly gray-headed.

Before you reach this length, yea perhaps before some few weeks are at an end; you will see this sweet Babe afflicted with either the Measels or small Pox; and then you'l wish for a good sum of mony that he might not be disfigured with them, in having many pock-holes. And it is no wonder, for who knows whether he may be past small-pocking and measeling when he is five & twenty years of age? But on the contrary there may then perchance appear so many glimps of marriage Pleasures from him, that such small things will not be once lookt at.

For if your Wife be now upon a new reckoning, and you come then, as I have told you before, to get a Daughter; you will in time see what a pretty sweet Gentlewoman she'l grow to be; how modestly & orderly she goes to learn to write and read; but most especially to prick samples; which perhaps she'l be wholly perfect in, before she hath half learnt to sow: nay its probable that she'l be an Artist at the making of Bone-lace, though she was never taught it.

Otherwise both you & her Mother will reap an extraordinary Pleasure in seeing your Daughter grow up in all manner of comly and civil deportments; and that she begins to study in the book of _French manners and behaviours_; and knows also how to dress up her self so finically with all manner of trinkum trankums, that all the neighbouring young Gentlewomen, and your rich Neeces esteem themselves very much honoured with the injoiment of her company; where they, following the examples of their Predecessors, do, by degrees, instruct one another in the newest fashions, finest Flanders Laces, the difference and richness of Stuffs, the neatest cut Gorgets, and many more such Jincombobs as these. Nay, and what's more, they begin also to invite and treat each other like grave persons, according as the opportunity will allow them, first with some Cherries and Plums; then with some Filbuds and Small Nuts; or Wallnuts & Figs; and afterwards with some Chesnuts and new Wine; or to a game at Cards with a dish of Tee, or else to eat some Pancakes and Fritters or a Tansie; nay, if the Coast be clear to their minds to a good joint of meat & a Sallad. Till at last it comes so far, that through these delicious conversations, they happen to get a Sweetheart, and in good time a bedfellow to keep them from slumbring and sleeping. And it is very pleasing to see that they do so observe the making good of the old Proverb,

_As old Birds did, the young ones sing, Which is a very pleasant thing._

Happy are you, O you new Housholders, who have already possessed your selves of so many Pleasures in your marriage; and are now come just to the very entrance to repossess your selves of them over again; and perchance they'l never depart from you as long as you see the one day follow the other. Be not backward or negligent in relating your happiness to others; but if there be any distast or disaster that can happen in the married estate, lock it up in the very Closet of your heart, and abhor everlastingly the thoughts of relating it; then you will have many that will pursue your footsteps, and be Listed into your Company, & then also will your estate and condition be famous through the whole World.

CONCLUSION.

Thus long you have seen, Courteous Reader, how that those married people, who are but indifferently gifted with temporal means, indeavour to puff up each other with vain and airy hopes and imaginations, perswading themselves that all the troubles, vexations, and bondages of the married estate; are nothing else but Mirths, Delights and Pleasures; perhaps to no other end but to mitigate their own miserable condition, or else to draw others into the same unhappy snare; as indeed oftentimes hapneth. But it is most sad and lamentable, that the meaner sort of people, when they have thrown themselves into it, make their condition a thousand times worse then it was before: For they, who at first could but very soberly and sparingly help themselves, do find when they are married, that they must go through not only ten, but at least a thousand cares and vexations. And all what hath hitherto been said of the ten Pleasures, is only spoken of the good and most agreeable matches; and not of any of those, which many times are so different and contrary of humour, as the light is from darkness; where there is a continual Hell of dissention, cursing, mumbling and maundring; nay biting & scratching into the bargain, which for the most part is occasioned by the quarrelsom, crabbed, lavish, proud, opinionated, domineering, and unbridled nature of the female sex. Besides there are a great number (which I will be silent of) who do all they can to please others, and Cuckold their own husbands. And others there are that disguise themselves so excessively with strong Waters, that a whole day long they can hardly close their Floud-gates. So that you need not wonder much, if you see the greatest part of women (tho they trick themselves never so finely up) can hardly get husbands; and their Parents are fain at last to give a good sum of mony with them, that they may disburthen themselves of them. Insomuch that it is easie to be seen that they are in effect of less value then old Iron, Boots and Shoes, &c. for we find both Merchants and mony ready alwaies to buy those commodities.

Therefore O you that are yet so happy as to have kept your selves out of this dreadfull estate of marriage, have a horror for it. Shun a woman much more than a Fish doth the hook. Remember that Solomon amongst all women kind could not find one good. Observe by what hath befallen those that went before you, what is approaching to your self, if you follow their footsteps. And be most certainly assured that the acutest pens are not able to expound the light & feasiblest troubles and disasters of marriage, set then aside the most difficile and ponderous. Do but read with a special observation the insuing Letter of a Friends advice touching marriage; imprint it as with a Seal upon your heart; and lay fast hold upon that golden expression of the glorious Apostle, _It is good for man not to touch a woman._

THE END OF THE TEN PLEASURES OF MARRIAGE.

* * * * *

A LETTER

From one Friend to another,

_Desiring to know whether it be advisable to marry._

_SIR,_