Chapter 12

And if you do but trace his paths and Patient, it is by his friend, who yesternight was troubled with a vehement Cellar-Fever; and at the very last, before he went to sleep, took in a swinging bowl of strong liquor; which made his Pulse beat so Feaverish and disorderly the next morning, that he was necessitated, at one draught, to whip off a lusty glass of Wormwood-Wine, (an excellent remedy for the Ague;) and then to walk an hour or two upon it, wherein the Doctor accompanying him, it causes the better operation.

Here now you see the Doctor, and what Ague the Patient hath, what he takes for't, what comes to it, and how dead a man he is. Truly the Doctor hath made as neat a guess at it, as if he had studied long for it. Hang the Books, when a man hath his Art so perfect in his Pate.

For this, the Doctor hath so much good again, when he hath a mind to visit a Patient in Tuttle-street, or St. Jameses Square, this Patient walks along with him for company. And when one hand washes the other in this manner, O then they are both so Silver clean!

Turn you about now to the _Counsellors_, and see how their Studies are all on Fire, only to be going too and again from one Court to another, to hear, forsooth, this or t'other Cause pleaded, that mightily concerns them, thereby to take their measures accordingly: When to the contrary, it serves to no other purpose then to sell a parcel of Chatwood, and tatle tales, of some brave Practitioners, a great deal worse then women would do; and finally to appoint a place, where in the evening they may accompany their Fraternity at a good glas of Wine.

Under this bundle resorts continually the Shittlecock Excisemen, accompanied with Collectors and Promooters, who are the greatest Bellringers in Taverns, and somtimes, in one evening, spend as much in Rhenish Wine, Oisters and Tobacco; as ten sufficient Families would do in a month. These live without care, and command freely out of a full purse, imagining in themselves that all the Revenues are their own. And if their Wives do, in the least, but peep into their concerns; they presently baptize it with the name of going upon an exploit, to chase a fat Doe, or neatly to attrap some Defrauder. And that this part may have the better gloss, when they come home in the morning, they have their pockets full of mony, which they throw into their wives laps; and tell them that they have attrapped some body, and agreed with them for a great sum of mony, having in part of paiment received this; when to the contrary, it is all the King and Countries mony, only taken out of their Offices. This generally lasts so long, till they are pursued by the Treasurer, and are arrested, and clapt up, or that they prevent it by playing Bankrupt, and in this manner leave a sorrowfull Widow and Children behind them.

By these the Foolwise _Notary's_ for the most part join themselves; making their Wives beleeve that they are sent for into this or t'other Alehouse or Tavern, about an Excise-mans business; or to write a Will, or a Contract of agreement of Merchandize; though it be to no other end or purpose then to have a perfect knowledge who plaies best at Ticktack, Irish, Backgammon, Passage, or All-fours. From thence then they cannot come before it be late in the night, and have learnt there to make a Scotch Will so wel, that they are, by two witnesses, half carried, and half trail'd home to their houses; bragging still, that they have had Wine and Beer, and received mony into the bargain. Thus all things is baptized with the name of having earnest business.

The like knowledge have also the _Merchants_, _Shop-keepers,_ and others who love company, to alledge for their excuses and defence; but the most fashionable, give it the name of going to a sale of some Lands and Houses, Parts of Ships, Merchandizes, Shop-Wares, Meetings, or Arbitrations. Though many times, in more then a month, there hath not been the least sale of any of the aforenamed Commodities, or occasion for any such sort of businesses.

And verily whom do you see sooner or later at the Exchange then these sort of people? And 'tis no wonder: for since they indeavour not to have the name of _brave Negotiants_, their principallest aim is to obtain the name of _great News-mongers,_ and that hath so much tittle-tattle in it, that it requires a person free from all affairs and business to be imploied therein.

Here you may perceive them to be the most diligent of all others, oftner inquiring what tidings there are in the French, English, and Flanders Letters; then to know what news from the Seas, concerning the arrivall or loss of Ships, or what Merchandizes, Commodities and Wares, are risen or fallen in price.

Nevertheless these make the greatest bawling and scolding at their Wives, if they have not their Dinners made ready for them precisely an hour before Change-time, just as if the main weight of all the Traffick and Negotiation at Change, lay upon their shoulders; though it only tends to follow the train, and to hear some news, or to seek some Pot-Companions.

These Blades will be sure also, in the Winter time by four, and in the Summer time by six a clock in the evening, to be precisely at the Coffe-houses; where, under the taking of a pipe of pure Spanish Tobacco, some dishes of Coffe, Chocolate, Sherbate, or Limonado, there is a relation made of the newest tidings, or what is most remarkable of things that have hapned here or there. They hear there no clock strike, nor think upon Wives, Children, or Servants, though it were never so late.

There's another sort of Men, that do not frequent the Exchange, and go out only about their Shop affairs, these we see taking their pleasures for several hours together at Queenhithe and other places, with selling of chatwood; and when they are a weary with walking and talking, away they go to the Plume of Feathers to rest themselves, and call for half a pint, or a pint of Sack, and some to the Strong Water Shop, and drink a quartern of Cinamon water, Clove-water, or Aqua mirabilis.

And these imagine themselves to be of the most orderly sort; by reason that some men, in the Summer time, take their pleasure most part of the morning, to be busie at their Wormwood Wine; and consume their afternoon in clashing and quafing off the bottels of Old Hock and Spaw-water. And when it grows cold, and the daies short, then they are early at the Strong-water Shop; and in the evening late in the Coffe-houses; and again twice or thrice a week precisely, and that more devouter then once in a Church, they are most certain to be found at the Playhouses.

Whilest others again are earnestly imploied in taking their pleasures in a Coach, or on horseback, ambling, trotting and gallopping along the high ways, from one Country Fair, or Horsemarket to another; and at every place where they see but a conveniency to stable their Horses, there they are certain to bait; and consume an infinite deal of time; especially if they happen to find any Horse-Coursers there to be chatting and chaffering with.

These are much like unto those that take delight in Pleasure-boats and Barges, who with the smallest gale of wind, are stormed out of all their occupations; nay, although they were never so important, yet the very breathing of a warm Zephyr blows not only all business out of their heads, but themselves in person out of their Shops and Counting-houses.

Here you may behold them with unwearied bodies rigging of their Masts, spreading of their Sails, hailing up their Spreet and Leeboards, and all in a sweat catching hold of the Oars to be rowing, whilest at home they are too weak or lazy to move or stir the least thing in the World, nay can hardly bring pen to paper. For to neglect such a gallant and pleasant day of weather, would be a crime unpardonable.

_No lover of a boat, may stay within a Port, Though Shop and Office both, should dearly suffer for't._

Others again are sworn Pigeon Merchants, and every Market day in the forenoon precisely, let it cost what it will, must be attending there, and the rest of the week both morning and afternoon at their Pigeon-traps. Here in they take an infinite pleasure, hushing up their Pigeons to flight, then observing the course they take; looking upon the turning of their Tumblers; and then to the very utmost, commending the actions, carriages and colours of their Great Runts, Small Runts, Carriers, Light Horsemen, Barberies, Croppers, Broad-tail'd Shakers, and Jacopins; taking care and making so much provision for their young ones, that they let both their own young, and the house-keeping, run to destruction.

But there are the Cock-Merchants surpass these abundantly; who, upon certain penalties, must at the least, thrice a week appear in the Cock-pit; and there, before the Battel begins, consume two or three hours at Tables, and in Wine, Beer and Tobacco; whilest they attend there the coming of their Adversaries and other lovers of the sport. Here then a view must be taken of each others Cocks, which are forsooth according to their merits and value, set apart in their Coops either in the yard, or above in the Garret, to be fed as is most convenient; and there's then a discourse held concerning them, as if they were persons of some extraordinary state, quality, and great valour. Not a word must be spoke, (as much as if there were a penalty imposed upon it) but of Cock-fighting. Here Master Capon vaunts that his Game-Cock was hard enough for the gallant Shake-bag of Sir John Boaster; although Sir John Boasters famous Shake-bag, but three weeks before, had fought against that incomparable Game-Cock of Squire Owls-eg, and claw'd him off severely.

Here you may see abundance of Country Gentlemen and rich Farmers, coming from several parts with their Cocks in their bags to the Battel; hanging them up there in ample form till it be their turns to fight. And there also you may behold Lord Spendall brought thither in his Coach very magnificently, and carried home in no less state; but seldom goes away before he hath either won or lost a pretty number of Guinneys.

Yea there's Squire Clearpurse, with his Princely companion, who keep alwaies six and thirty Game-Cocks at nurse by the Master of the Pit; never goes away from thence, before he hath got, by his ordinary dunghill Cock that runs about the streets, and without false spurs too, half a score Crown-pieces, and as much more as will pay his reckoning in his pocket. But if they both begin to appear with their Shake-bags, then it is, Stand clear Gentlemen, here comes the honour of the Pit; and then the Master of the Pit must have out of each Battel for Sharpning the Spurs, and clipping of the neck feathers, half a Ginny; and then when the Battels ended, he brings into the reckoning half a Crown _extra_ for Brandy, Salve, and cherishing and chafing it by the fire, &c. But for this, they have the honour also to be in the Chamber with the principallest Gentlemen, to sit in the best places of the Pit; to turn the hour-glass and like prudent Aldermen, in the presence of all the Auditors, to give their judgements touching the contending parties; where there are generally more Consultations, Advices, and Sentences, held and pronounced, then are to be found or heard of in the principallest Law-books or Statutes of the Kingdom.

It would be here an everlasting shame; if the Conqueror, like a Niggard, should carry all this mony home; therefore the greatest part must be given and generously spent with the company. This is the duty of every one, whose Cock hath beaten anothers out of the Pit, and went away Crowing like a Conqueror. Nay, what's matter if it were all spent, its no such great peece of business; the honours more worth then the mony.

In the mean while it grows late in the night, and the good woman, with the Table covered, sits longing, telling every minute, and hoping for the coming home of him, who seems to find and take more pleasure in Cockfighling, then like a brave Game-Cock himself to enter into the Pit with his Wife. O most contrary and miserable Pleasure of marriage on the mens side.

But amongst these Cock-Merchants, I am of opinion, there's none hath more pleasure then the Master of the Pit; because he gets more for the feeding, clipping, salving, and anointing of them, &c. then ten good Nurses, and put them all together. And moreover he hath all the pleasure for nothing, and is mighty observant to feed and tickle their fancies, and obey their commands, that their delight therein may the more and more increase, and the reckoning also be ne'r a whit the less.

And these Lovers and Gentlemen are no sooner departed, but he laies him down very orderly in a very fashionable Bedstead, hung round about the Curtains and Vallians with Hens-Eg-shels suck'd out. But if he did, for the same purpose, suck out all the Cocks-Egshels, it would be a much more rare and pleasant sight.

There is yet another sort of men, which we in like manner find, that consume their time, neglect their occasion, and spend their mony with Dog-fighting, Bull and Bear-baiting, as the Cock-Merchants do with Cock-fighting. One way that they take pleasure in, is to bring their Dogs together, and there fight them for a Wager of five, or ten pound, and somtimes more; which mony must be set or stak'd down, though they hardly know how to find as much more again in the whole World, and there the poor Dogs by biting and tearing one anothers skins and flesh in pieces, for the pleasure of their fantastical Masters; and if the Wager be, in the least manner to be contradicted, then too't they go themselves, and thump and knock one another till they look more like beasts then men.

This being done, the next meeting is, to try their Bear and Bull-Dogs at the Bear Garden; the match being made, all their wits must be screw'd up to the highest, how to get mony to make good their wagers; though Wife, House and Family should sink in the mean while: Then away they go with their Tousers and Rousers to the Bear-garden, and then the Bull being first brought to the stake, the Challenger lets fly at her, and the Bull perceiving the Dog coming, slants him under the belly with her horns, and tosses him as high as the Gallerys, this is much laught at; but his Master, very earnestly and tenderly, catching him in the fall, tries him the second time, when he comes off with little better success: Then his Adversary lets loose his Dog at the Bull, who running close with his belly to the ground, fastens under the Bulls nose by the skin of the under-lip; the Bull shaking and roaring to get him loose, but he holds faster and faster; then up flie caps and hats, shouting out the excessive joy that there is for this most noble victory.

Now comes the Bear dogs, being stout swinging Mastives; and the Bearard having brought the Bear to the Stake, unrings him, and turns him about, so that he may see the Dog, that's to play at him; the Challenger lets fly his Dog, which being a cruel strong Cur rises up to the Bears nose, fastens and turns him topsy-turvy; there's no small joy and an eccho of Shouts that makes the very earth tremble; then there's pulling and hawling to get him off from the Bear: Then the Adversary let's fly his Dog, who coming to fasten, the Bear being furious and angry that he was so plagu'd with the first Dog, claps his paw about the back of him, and squeezes him that he howls and runs; there stands the Master, looking like an Owl in an Ivybush, to see the stakes drawn, and he haply with never a penny in his pocket, hath no mony at home, nor knows not where to get any. And that which vexeth him worst of all, is, that his delicate Dog is utterly spoil'd.

But we'l leave of these inhuman, and brutal stories; and rather relate the Confession of another sort of Men; who are generally of a longing temper, not much unlike to the big-bellied weak women; nay, sometimes do therein far surpas the Women: And altho they know that it is never so damagable or hurtfull unto them, yet dare boldly say:

_When Women long, it harms by chance, But mens desire's a worser dance._

And in this they are both bold and shameless, clear contrary to Women-kind; in so much that they without fear or terror, dare, at noon day, say to their Pot-companions: I have a mighty mind to a pipe of Tabacco, come lets go to the Sun, half Moon, or to the Golden Fleece, and smoke a pipe: where they rip up such a multiplicity of discourse, and consume so much time and Tabacco; that if they tasted neither beer nor wine, they might with all reason be upbraided to be debauch'd persons. But it would be a work as inexpressible as infinite to relate their longing appetites at all other times, to Musmillions, Seldry, Anchovis, Olives, or slubbring Caviart, with all their appurtenances. Much more their liquorishness at Oisters, where they stand greedily swallowing them up in the open shops, not giving themselves time to send for them to a Tavern, and eat them decently.

If they did thus, in the presence of their Wives, they might have some pleasure of it also: But the content hereof seems to consist therein, that either alone, or with their Fraternity, they may thus lustily satisfie their longing appetites.

Here we shall commend the Lovers of Tee, because they are willing to make use of it in the company of women; although there be now a daies so much formality used with it, and so much time idly spent in the consumption of it, that it seems almost as if this herb were found out, or brought over to no other purpose, then to be the occasion of an honest chatting-school, between men and women; where you may have intelligence of all that passes betwixt married and unmarried persons throughout the whole City. And wo be to them that have the least symptom of a meazle upon their tongue, for the true lovers of Tee, are like unto the Suppers up of Coffy, and are the best News-Mongers for all things that happens in the City, yea almost in all Kingdoms; and when you hear the men speak seriously of such matters; it is as if they had the best correspondence for intelligence out of all Princes Courts; but especially, if this miracle be wrought thereby, that the Water be changed in to Wine.

Others, who love neither Tee nor Coffy, and yet are very desirous to know what passes in the World; you may find mighty earnestly, for some hours, stand prating in the Booksellers Shops; alwaies asking what news is there, what Pamphlets, what Pasquils, what Plays, what Libels, or any of the like rubbish, is lately come out; and then they must buy and read them, let it cost what it will.

Here they make the sole balance of State-business. Here, with great prudence, discourse is held of the importantest State-affairs, and of the supreamest persons in authority; and in their own imaginations know more then both the Houses of Lords and Commons. Although they never sate in Councel with any of their Footmen. Nay they know to the weight of an ace, and can give a perfect demonstration of it, which of the three Governments is best, Monarchy, Anarchy, or Democracy. Which many times takes such a deep root and impression upon them, and touches them so to the very heart, that they absolutely forget the governing of their needfull affairs which they went out about; for when they come to the place where their occasions lay; they find the person either long before gone abroad, or so imploied with his own business, that he can hardly a quarter do that he ought to do.

'Tis true some soft natured women, that are as innocent as Doves, observe not these sort of actions and tricks; but suffer themselves easily to be fopt off by their husbands; or else by a gentle salutation are appeased; but others who are cunninger in the cares of their Shops and Families, can no waies take a view of these doings with eys of pleasure.

Yet this is nothing near the worst sort, and is naught else but a kind of a scabbiness that the most accomplishedst marriages are infected with. And verily if the husbands do thus neglect their times, and their Wives, in the meanwhile, like carefull Bees, are diligent in looking after their Shop and housekeeping; they ought, when they do come home to speak their minds somthing freely to them.

But the imaginary authority of men, many times surges to such height, that it seems to them insupportable, to hear any thing of a womans contradiction, thinking, that all what ever they do, is absolutely perfect and uncontrolable. And can, on the contrary, when their Wives go to the Shambles or Market, reckon to a minute in what time they ought to be back again: And wo be to them, if they do, according to the nature of women, stand and prattle here or there their time away, concerning Laces, Cookery, and other houshold occasions.

But you, O wel married Couple, how pleasant it is to see that you two agree so well together! That either is alike diligent and earnest in taking care of their charge. That your husband many times saith unto you his houswife, my Dear, it is a curious fair day, go walk abroad, and give a visit to some or other of your good acquaintance; I shall tarry at home the whole day, and will take sufficient care of all things, and in the evening come and fetch you home, &c. And you again in like manner, upon a good occasion, releeve your husband, and take delight in his walking abroad with some good friends to take his pleasure, and to recreate and refresh his tired sences.

If he be a little sickish of that distemper and that he will somtimes spend a penny upon a Libel or new Tiding; that is a great pleasure for you, because you know that the Booksellers and Printers must live; and every fool must have one or t'other bawble to play with.

You had great reason to be dissatisfied if he consumed his mony in the Tavern or with Tables. But you know that Ben Johnsons Poems, and Pembrooks Arcadia, did so inchant you, that they forc't the mony out of your Pocket; yet they serv'd you in your Maiden estate with very good instructions, and shewing you many Vertues. You may therefore think, that such men who desire to surge higher in knowledge, will have somthing also to be reading. And it is most certain, whilest they are busie with that, their Wives are free from being controled. 'Tis also undeniable, that men cannot alwaies be alike earnest in their affairs; for verily if they be so, they are for the most part great _Peep in the Pots_ and directers of their Wives, who have certainly their imperfections. And it is the principallest satisfaction, and greatest pleasure in marriage, when a woman winks or passes by the actions of her husband; and the husband in like manner the actions of his wife; for if that were not so, how should they now and then in passing by, throw a love-kiss at one another; or how should they at night be so earnest in pressing one another to go first to bed.