Chapter 11

To treat these Gentlewomen when her husband is at home, would no waies appear so well; and so much the more, because they generally suffer themselves to be conducted to the place by one or other of their Gallants; who then either very easily are persuaded, or it may be of themselves, tarry to take part with them. Therefore this must be done and concluded on, because she hath now the disposal and keeping of the mony as well as her husband.

Here now must _Doll_ run up and down tan-twivy to borrow a Rowling-pin, and some other new invented knick-knacks, to bake Cheesekakes and Custards in; whilest _Mage_ is also hardly able to stand longer upon her legs, with running up and down to fetch new-laid Egs, Flour, Sugar, Spices, blanch'd Almonds, &c. The Mistriss and _Doll_ are able to perform this duty well enough; for they both helpt to do it, very neatly at her Neeces birth-day; but the Pastry-Cook must be spoken to for the making a delicate minc'd Py; and _Mage_ must run to the Confit-makers in _Black-Fryers_, to fetch some Conserves, Preserves, and of all other sorts of Sweetmeats, Raisins of the Sun, and more of the like ingredients, &c. for she knows best where all those things are to be had. And for a principal dish there ought to be a Pot of Venison, a couple of Neats-tongues, a delicate peece of Martelmas beef, some Anchovis, and Olives for the Gentlemen, because they certainly will accompany the Gentlewomen. And truly they that bring them, may very well tarry to carry them home again; it is also but one and the same trouble. Goodman Twoshoes is gone out of Town, and sees it not, neither need he know it when he comes home: He treats so many of his friends and acquaintance, and then again next day following invites them to a Fish-dinner. I may very well play my part once in my life, and have all things to my mind, let come on't what will, who knows whether such another occasion may happen again this three years. And against next morning, very privately, she invites the Gentlewomen alone, to come about nine a clock in the morning, to eat hot Buns, and Cakes, for then they come precisely out of the Oven; and in the afternoon again, to some curious Fruit, Pankakes and Fritters, and a glass of the purest Canary let it cost n'er so much, or be fetcht ne'r so far.

Thus runs the tongue of this pretty housewife, that but a while ago was so sorrowfull for the departure of her beloved husband. Certainly there's nothing comes out more suddenly, or dries up more easily, then womens tears!

But hangt no more of that; for the guests will be here presently, therefore all things ought to be in order for mirth. And moreover there there are some of them that frequent Mr. Baxter's Puritanical Holding-forth, whose heads will immediately, in imitation of their Patron, hang like Bull-rushes; for they are taught to mourn with the sorrowfull, and to rejoice with the joifull. But it is now a time to be merry, and throw away masks and vizards; for all is done under the Rose, and among good acquaintance. And verily if the good woman had not this or some such sort of delight, where should we find the pleasures of marriage? for in the first Lying-in of the husband there was no looking for them.

Come on then, that mirth may be used, let the Cards also be brought in sight; which formerly, out of a Puritanical humour, ought not to have been seen in a house; nay, not so much as to have been spoken of; but now every one knows how to play artificially at Put, all Fours, Omber, Pas la Bete, Bankerout, and all other games that the expertest Gamesters can play at. And who knows whether they do not carry in their Pockets, as False-Gamesters do, Cards that are cut and marked. They learn to play the game at Bankerout so well with the Cards, that in a short time they can and also do it with their Housholdstuf, Wares, and Commodities. To be sure, you'l alwaies find, that every one of them, by length of time, are capable of setting up a School, and to act the part of a Mistriss. And most especially they learn to discourse very exactly touching the use and misuse thereof; just as these dissimulating Wigs intend to do, though indeed men have never seen that they practised this lesson themselves.

But, although the Mistriss and her Companions know little or nothing of these tricks, they serve howsoever, without setting up a School, and that also for nothing, for good Instructresses to their servants, who hereby are most curiously taught, what paths they have to walk in, and what's best for them to do that they may follow their Mistresses footsteps, as soon as their Master and Mistriss are but gone abroad together; who then know so exactly how to dance upon those notes, that we thought it necessary, as being one of the principallest Pleasures of Marriage, also to be set down in the Third Table of the First Part.

Many women, who are sick of this liquorish and sweet-tooth'd disease, will be grumbling very much at this, that such a blame and scandal should be cast upon their innocent sex; and say that Batchelors hereby will be afraid to marry; But if they, and the Gentlewomen that were in private domineering together, had not gone to Confession, and made a publick relation of it, who would have known it. Therefore this sort of well treated female Guests, are like unto those that when they have gotten a delicate bit by the by, cannot fare well but they must cry roast-meat, though they should be beaten with the spit for it.

But the good ones, though they are thin sown, who are not distempered with this evil, never trouble themselves at what one will say, or another write concerning women, because their guiltless consciences, serves them as well as a thousand witnesses; and they are very indifferent whether that the deceased scandal raiser Hippolitus do arise, and come into the World again; daring him in this manner

_Surge then Hippolytus, out from thy Ghostly nest: Who scandal least esteem, revenge themselves the best._

Yet howsoever though this is true, nevertheless I must furnish the delicate stomackt Ladies with some sort of weapons, that they may be in a posture of defending themselves against their vituperous enemies: For verily there are several men that walk not so even and neat in their waies as they ought to do; and who knows, whether our Mistresses dearly Beloved, at this very present, doth not as many others have done; who when they are travelling any whither, the first thing they do, is to be very diligent, and look earnestly about, whether there be not some handsom Gentlewoman that travels with them, by whom they very courteously take place, shewing themselves mightily humble and complacent, and telling them that they are Batchelors or at the least Widowers; then casting out a discourse of playing a game at Cards, that they may the better see what mettle the Lady is made of, and then again when they come to a Baiting-place, or where they must stay the night over, there they domineer lustily with them, and play the part of a Rodomontade. Where many times more is acted and spent, then they dare either tell their Wives, or their father Confessors of.

Others there are, who seek not so much such company, but very artificially before hand, know how to find out such Fellow-travellers as most suit with their own humour; to that end providing themselves with some Bottles of Canary, and pure Spanish Tobacco; and where ever they come are sure to make choice of the best Inn, where there's a good Table, delicate Wine, (and a handsom Wench) to be had.

Certainly, if the Husband thus one way, and his Wife another, know how to find out the Pleasures of Marriage, they are then both of them happy to the utmost. Is it not possible, but that they might, if this continued long, take a journy, for pleasure, to Brokers-Hall? For at first it was by them esteem'd too mean a place to be look'd upon, and not worth their thinking of: but then its probable it may come into their considerations, by reason that rents are low there, provisions very cheap, and pleasures in abundance; neither hath Pride or Ambition taken any habitation there. Nay, who knows but that they might chance to observe that there is no such need of feasting and junketting; nor be subject to so many visits, because there dwells not such a number of their friends and acquaintance: and besides all this, you may there, for a small matter, agree with the Collectors of the Excises, so that, for a whole year, you may have Wine, and severall other things plenty, for little or nothing.

But let's lay aside all this, because they are untimely cogitations, that fly astray; and it is much decenter that we turn again to our kind-hearted Mistriss, with her merry companions; who now, are about the taking leave of each other; using, to shew their gratitude, whole bundles full of complements; offering them up with an inexpressible amiablenes and eloquency for the respect and honour they have received; and confirm them with so many kisses, cursies, bows and conges, that it is easie to be perceived, that on both sides its cordially meant. And Doll, that good and faithfull servant, is not able to express how pleasing this entertainment hath been to all the company. Nay, it lies buzzing her so in the pate, that she cannot be at quiet in a morning, whilest her Mistriss is asleep, but she must, with the Neighbors Maids, either at the opening of the Shop, or sweeping of the street, be tatling and telling of it to them; putting, every foot, into their hands privately, some Almonds and Raisins, that came in by _leger de main_: Relating unto them, as if she did it by a scrole, what a horrible quantity of things she hath to scour and wash, that must be made clean, and set in order, against the time that the Bridemaids, as it was mentioned, are to come again alone; and so much the more, because her Master is daily expected home. Who then finally coming in, is not ordinarily welcomed, for she is so full of joy that her husband is come home, that both her tongue and actions are incapable of demonstrating her felicity; and he on the t'other side, is so glad to find his dearly Beloved in good health, and all things in decent order, that it is beyond imagination.

All this while they both laugh in their sleeves, that each one, in th'absence of the t'other, hath taken to themselves such a private an cunning pleasure. Finding so much content and injoiment therein, that they both hope to serve themselves again with the like occasion. O mighty Pleasure of Marriage! Who would not but be invited to go into this estate? Especially if we proceeded to write down and rehearse the further Confession of the separate Pleasures of Man and Wife, which is preserved as matter for the insuing Fifth and Sixth Pleasure.

THE FOURTH PLEASURE.

_The Wife will be Master of the Cash, or mony Chest._

As Mony is one of the most curiousest Minerals, is it, in like manner, the less admirable, that the handling and use there of rendreth the greatest Pleasures of the World. It is Loves Fire, and Charities Fountain. Yea, if Man and Wife in their house keeping may be esteemed or compared to the Sun and Moon in the Firmament; verily, those merry white or yellow boies, may very well be considered of as twinkling stars.

It rejoiceth all mankind to behold in the sky the innumerable multitude of glittering Stars: but it is a far surpassinger Pleasure, that the new married Couple receive, when they see vast heaps of Silver and Gold ly dazling their eys, and they Lording over it.

You, O lately married Couple, possess this Pleasure to the utmost; you have to your content received your promised Portions; you onely want the great Iron Mony-Chest to lock it up in securely, and to keep it safely, that it may be laid out to advantage. O how pleasant the free dispensation thereof is unto you! What a noble Valley it is to walk in between these Mountains, and to delight your eys with such an object!

Yet nevertheless, O faithfull Couple, here is need that a great deal of prudence be used, as well in the laying of it out, as the preserving of it. In ancient times it hath been often observed and taken notice of, that where mony was hid, the places were generally hanted with terrible spirits, and strange Ghosts, that walked there, coming in frightfull apparitions: but since they have been driven out of our Country and Houses; there's another sort of Imp come in, ten times wickeder then any of the other; which regards nor cares neither for Crosses, Holy-water, Exorcisms, or any sort of Divel-drivers; but dares boldly shew himself at noon-day, namely a Plague-Divel, which sets Man an Wife together by the ears, to try who of them both shall have the command and government of the Cash or mony-box.

And to the end he may herein act his Part well, he knows how very subtlily first to fill the weak womans ears full, that she ought above all things to have the command of the cash; because she had such a great Portion; and that it is her mony which she hears gingle so. And then again, because the care of the house-keeping is appropriated to be her duty, it is against all reason, that she, like a servant, should give an account to her husband, what, wherefore, or how that the mony is laid out; because the necessaries also for house-keeping are so many, that they are without end, name or number, and it is impossible that one should relate or ring them all into the ears of a Man. Likewise the good woman cannot have so fit an occasion every foot to be making some new things, that she may follow the fashion, as it is usual for women to do; much less to have any private pocket-mony, to treat and play the Divel for God's sake, with her Bride-Maids, when her husband is gone from home.

And on the contrary, when men pay out any thing, it goes out by great sums, according as is specified by the accounts delivered, which must be set to book, and an acquittance given: This cannot be so done with every pittifull small thing that belongs to house-keeping. Insomuch that the Husband can then, with all facility, demand what Mony is needful for his occasion from his Wife.

Moreover, when the Wife hath the command of the mony, she can alwaies see in what condition and state her affairs stands; and by taking good observation thereof, her husband cannot fob her off with Pumpkins for Musmillions; but she'l easily perceive whether she be decreasing or increasing in her estate. So that if her husband might come to dy, and she be left a Widow with several children, she can immediately see and understand in what posture her affairs stands, and whether she be gotten forward or gone backward in the World.

And what's more yet, it would be a great shame for a Woman, who hath alwaies been so highly respected by her husband; and as it appeared to all the World, was honoured like a Princess; that she should within dores be as servile as a servant; and must be fed out of her husbands hands, just as if she were a wast-all, a sweet-tooth, or gamestress, &c.

With these, and a thousand such like arguments, doth this Plague-Divel know how to puff up the vain humours of the weak Women, to the true pitch of high-mindedness. And on the contrary, is in the mean while busie with flatteries, to stir up the husband to idle imaginations and self-conceitedness; demonstrating unto him, that he is the Lord, and guide of his Wife; created to command her, and she to obey him. That it is most easie to be perceived, what a noble creature Man is, whilest that Woman who is so handsom and haughty, is nevertheless but added unto him as a servant. Therefore if he once admit his Wife into an equality with him; he will then be subject to see that she will be striving for the predominancy: and that it is the greatest curse imaginable in a Country, for Women to Lordize over Men. And for these reasons they ought to be but like the nul in Figures, and to be kept as a Controuler by the Harth, the Pot, and the Spinning-wheel. Whilest they that deliver up to them the keys of the Mony-Chest, are deprived of all their superiority, and like Men unman'd, have only the name but cannot obtain the effect.

In such manner doth as yet this Divel-plaguing Spirit domineer, by clear daylight, in many of the principallest houses and hearts, and makes oftentimes so great a difference and discord about the key of the Cash, that the Cash it self seems to get Eagles Wings, and swiftly flies away. Whilest the husband, perceiving that the Wife seeks to deceive and take the key from him, is alwaies possessed with abhominable suspicions; certainly thinking that she is minded to make some unnecessary thing or other, or to hide some mony from him; which makes him watch her waters so much the stricter; and is not ashamed to give out and make what he hath a mind to for his own pleasure.

And the Wife, perceiving that her husband is so sneaking, and forsooth so circumspect, with subtilety contrives and practises how to make him pay out mony for all what she hath any waies a mind to; by that means making her self Mistriss of the Mony-Chest, beyond his knowledge, though he hath the name, and carries the keys in his Pocket: for if she have a mind to new Stays for her self or daughter; away she goes to a Silk-shop, buies Stuf to her mind, and causeth it to be made as modish as possible may be; and having tried that it fits and pleases her fancy fully; then it is brought home by one or other of her trusty acquaintance, who come at a convenient time appointed, just like some petty Brokester, proffering it forsooth in sale to the Mistriss, and tilling her a relation that it was really made for such a Lady, but that she died whilest it was making; and for that reason it may be had for a very low price; yea, that it is such a cheap bargain, that perhaps the like may not be had again this ten years, &c.

Thus the good wife knows rarely well how to play her part, and begins to reckon how many ells of Stuff, how much for lining, and the making thereof would come to cost: so that her husband, by reason of the cheapness is curious of himself to desire her to try it on; and finally, sees that it fits her, as if it had been made for her. To be short, after much cheapning and bargaining, the price is concluded on, though it be against the husbands stomack, or the Cash wel can bear it; and then the Broker is ordered when she hath such or the like other good bargain to come again, and let them see it.

In this manner the Wife fetches about by the by as much as she can, and hoodwinking her husband e'en as she pleases; for at other times there comes to be sold Table-cloaths, Napkins, and then again Coats, Sheets, Blankets, and all sorts of necessaries for housekeeping and habit, from some Gentlewoman or other that its left to, by the decease of some friend, &c.

Insomuch that the Wife, through the niggardliness of her husband, imbezles away and buies more, then otherwise she would do; making it all her delight and sole pleasure, to blind fold her narrow-soul'd Peep in the Pot, (as she calls him;) although she, by these waies and means, doth jestingly consume her own self. But this belongs also to the Pleasures of Marriage. And if it in the conclusion prove to be a pain, patience is the best remedy.

But be merry, O new married Couple, that you, like unto young _Toby_, have found out the remedy, how to drive away this Devil-Plaguer of your Wedlock; by living in love and tranquility, equally confiding in each other, desiring no superiority; but with a true cordiality, interchangeably granting, and having each alike freedom of the monies; the Husband hath the keeping and government of the keys, and the Wife wants for no mony; nay hath access also her self to it. Who can doubt but that your family will be blest, and your stock of monies increase.

And that so much the more, because the Husband hates playing at Tables, and the Wife is an enemy to Cards, which hath been the occasion ofttimes on both sides of the consuming much mony, and therefore is little used by some Shopkeepers; leaving that to Gentlemen to lose both time and mony, who therein seek their pastime, delight and pleasure. And this is in like manner imitated by many great Ladies, who are often so cruelly addicted to Card-playing, that they somtimes value not, in one evening, the losing of very great sums, and yet know how to maintain their respects therein very prudently and gallantly; but in the mean while let the Millaner, Linnen-Draper, Tailor, and Shoemaker run most miserably and shamefully after them for moneys from one month to another, ofttimes from one year to another, as if they came begging to them for a peece of bread; and when they do pay them, it must not be taken notice of by their Lords and husbands.

These generally use the greatest violence against the peace of the Family; because this superfluous expence, and liberal disposition of my Lady, is very seldom pleasing to my Lord, who little thought that her Ladiship would have been such a spend-thrift of the Cash.

But since great Lords, as well as other meaner sorts of persons, are shot and pierc'd by one and the same blind Cupid, they are in like manner subject to such casualities of adversities and pleasures; and every one perceives, when it is too late, what kind of election he hath made; just as they do who begin a War, but before its half finished are weary of it. Therefore

_To Battel be ye slow, but slower be to Wed, For many do repent, untill that they be dead; But if avoided then, by you it cannot be, A thousand Counsellors will well deserve your Fee._

THE FIFTH PLEASURE.

_Of Mens negligence of their affairs; whereby their Antic-tricks and loss of time is discovered._

Verily the Women, being the weakest Vessels, are many times most cruelly impeacht, when the Marriage-Ship sails not well before Wind and Tide: just as if they, to whom is only given the charge of the Family, care of the Kitchin, and nourishment of the Children, were the occasioners of sad casualities and disasters in the Merchandizes and Shop-keepings: When, on the contrary, the negligence of the Men is many times so great, that if the Woman knew not how to carry her self like a prudent _Abigail_, it would be impossible ever to bring the Ship to a safe harbour, and to free it from Shipwrack, but all things must run to a total destruction.

Many men are free hereof, who are continually using their utmost indeavours, and take their chiefest delight in the promotion of their affairs, by day with their bodies, and at night with their sences, are earnestly busie in contriving them it. Whose main aim is, to live honestly, to get a good name, to shew good examples to their Children and Servants, to leave somthing to their Widows, and never to be a laughing-stock or derision to their enemies. And this manner of diligence makes no labour irksom, no morning too early, nor no evening too late for them.

But others, on the contrary, are so easie humoured, and so negligent of their vocation, that they think its much below the respect of a Man, to be seen whole daies in their houses with their Wives, and about their affairs. Then in such cases, there must, by every one in his calling, be found a multitude of lame excuses, before they can blind the eys of a quick-sighted Woman, or pin it upon her so far, that she perceives not he seeks his pleasure from her, in whom his whole delight ought to be.

If it be _Doctor of Physick_, he forsooth hath no time to study, because he must go to visit a Patient that hath a violent Ague, to see what operation the Cordial hath done which he ordered him to take yesternight; for if any thing else should come to it, he would certainly be a dead man, &c.