Chapter 4

SIR W.: And yet quarrels always have a beginning.

JEM: Of course, when women are so confoundedly selfish.

SIR W.: Kitty is selfish?

JEM: I don't want to make any complaints about her. Yet I must admit that she takes absolutely no interest in anything which interests me. You know my hobby--fishing----

SIR W.: And Kitty doesn't care for fishing?

JEM: Not she! Though, finding myself here, surrounded with trout streams, you may imagine how I was naturally anxious to spend my days. Kitty said fishing was a bore, and after having come out with me once or twice, she sternly refused to do so any more. And why? Simply because she wanted to tramp about with the shooters from Danby.

SIR W.: All this is but a trifling dissimilarity of taste, and insufficient to cause a real estrangement.

JEM: A trifling dissimilarity! Why, our tastes differ in every essential point! Kitty has got it into her head that a woman should take an interest in things "outside herself." A friend of her mother's, who used to conduct her to the British Museum, taught her to believe in Culture--with a capital "C." To hear her talk of Pompeiian marbles, Flaxman's designs, and all that sort of thing--why, it's sickening!

SIR W.: It strikes me you are unreasonable.

JEM: Oh, no! I'm not! A woman who takes an interest in things outside herself becomes a nuisance.

SIR W.: And yet I believe that with a little tact, a little gentleness, you would be able to manage Kitty, just as I have managed your aunt all these long years. There is no doubting the dear girl's affection for you. Remember her joy when her mother's scruples as to the length of your engagement were overcome.

JEM: That's true enough. Kitty was very fond of me three months ago. But it isn't only fondness I require of a wife. She must be bored when I'm bored, and keen when I'm keen, and that sort of thing, you know.

SIR W.: Yes! I see. In fact, lose her identity, as your dear good aunt has lost hers!

JEM (_aside_): Or, rather, as you have lost yours!

SIR W.: Well, I'll try and view things in your light, my good fellow. At the same time, you must have great patience--very great patience, Jem, and then all may come right in the end. It _is_ true I never needed patience with your aunt. But had there been the necessity, I should have been equal to the demand. Now, I daresay your little quarrels have been but short lived; and that after having caused Kitty any vexation, you have always been ready to come forward with kind words to make up your differences?

JEM: Yes, ready! But not _too_ ready, as I feared too much indulgence might not be advisable. Now, one morning, after having been out early, I determined to give up fishing for the rest of the day to please Kitty. On my way home--remember, it was before eight o'clock--I met her betaking herself to what she calls "matins." Now, I like a girl to be good and strict, and all that sort of thing. But imagine going to church at eight o'clock on a Monday morning!

SIR W.: A slight error in judgment; you might easily forgive the dear child.

JEM: I didn't find it easy. I said so. And Kitty refused her breakfast in consequence--only to aggravate me.

SIR W.: No! No! Perhaps she fasted only to soften your heart!

JEM: Far from it. In fact, to sum up the whole matter, we have no common sympathies. Kitty has not even any ambition, for instance, as to my future. You know I wish to stand for Portborough one day?

SIR W.: _You!!_

JEM: Why not?

SIR W.: Oh, no! Of course! Why not, as you say?

JEM: Yet if I begin to discuss it all with her, _she_ begins to yawn; and her yawning drives me nearly mad, when I am talking on a matter of vital interest.

SIR W.: Dear! Dear! I begin to find all this more serious than I thought. For it does seem to me as if you differed on most subjects.

JEM (_moodily_): So we do.

SIR W.: Ah! I am afraid it may be pretty serious! And after listening to all your story I can't help feeling, my dear fellow, that there is not the chance of things bettering themselves, as I had hoped in the first instance.

JEM: You feel that?

SIR W.: I do! I do! This divergence of taste and sympathies is no laughing matter. It rather alarms me when I think that the abyss between you and your wife as time goes on may only widen. (_He indicates an imaginary abyss, which JEM stares at dubiously._) Yes! widen--and widen!

JEM (_after a moment's pause of half surprise, half pain_): What you say is not consoling.

SIR W.: At first I thought differently; but now I hesitate to mislead you, and I admit my heart sinks when I think of your future, after hearing all you have to say. Indeed, I hope I may be mistaken. I have, as you know, but little experience in these matters. Your aunt and I have lived in undisturbed harmony these fifteen years. Never has an angry word been heard within our walls.

JEM: Whilst Kitty and I squabbled as soon as we had left the rice and slippers behind us! And since then scarcely an hour has passed without some sort of difference. I declare, when I think over it, that it would be best for us to plunge into the ice at once. A separation is the only hope for us. But, hush! I think I hear Aunt Flo's and Kitty's footsteps! (_Lowers his voice, speaking rapidly_) For Heaven's sake, don't breathe a word of what I have said! Fool that I've been! Worse than a fool--disloyal! Not a word to my aunt!

SIR W.: Oh! I promise you! (_Mysteriously into Jem's ear_) Women are so indiscreet. Now, I wouldn't tell your aunt for the wide world!

(_Enter LADY FLO and KITTY, who have overheard the last words._)

LADY FLO (_icily_): I beg pardon! We interrupt!

JEM: Not at all! We were merely discussing the relations of man and wife! Uncle Will has been telling me that a wife--you, under the circumstances--has everything in her own hands.

LADY FLO (_flattered_): Indeed!

KITTY: Indeed! I must say that no one could appreciate Aunt Flo's virtues more than I, although at the same time I am certain she would very soon have lost her sweet temper if her husband had been aggravating, ignorant, domineering!

JEM: Why not call me a savage at once?

KITTY: A savage! Yes! A savage!

LADY FLO: Oh! Kitty! Kitty! Is this the way to make friends?

JEM: Come, Uncle Will! Let us go into the smoking-room! I shall choke here! (_Exit._)

SIR W.: There's but little hope for them! Little hope! Little hope! (_Exit, shaking his head._)

KITTY: Now, perhaps, you believe that I have something to put up with?

LADY FLO (_soothingly_): And yet there's no doubt Jem is extremely fond of you.

KITTY: He has a strange way of showing it! The other morning, after we had had one of our little scenes, I went down to the stream to find him when he was fishing. I would even have been willing to try and bait (_shudders_) his hook. But as I was starting off I met him coming up the garden, and he stared at me like an avenging god (or demon, I should say), and asked if I wasn't on my way to matins? Naturally, I did not contradict him.

LADY FLO: Dearest! You distress me!

KITTY: There's another thing I can't endure! You know I took the pledge, so as to be a good example to the village people here. Well! Jem is furious every time I refuse wine at luncheon or dinner. He declares that I _pose_! Can you imagine such nonsense?

LADY FLO: Well, dear! I confess I sympathize with Jem. I don't think any really nice women ever take the pledge--do they? I only ask, you know.

KITTY: Why, yes! Of course they do, aunty--when they want to be good examples. Jem cannot understand this; and, far from taking the pledge himself, he revolts me day after day by drinking--(_whispers mysteriously_)--Bass's pale ale!

LADY FLO: Ah! That's bad! But, oh! my dear, if you only knew the proper way to manage a husband!

KITTY: How could I? For Jem is as unmanageable as the Great Mogul.

LADY FLO: I see you don't realize how the most violent men are those most easy to subdue. Now, there's your uncle----

KITTY: I always thought him as mild as Moses!

LADY FLO: So he is _now_! But there _was_ a time----

KITTY: Oh! Do tell me all about it!

LADY FLO: Well. There _was_ a time when your uncle imagined he might be allowed to complain if dinner were late. One day he actually dared to ask, in a voice of thunder, "Is dinner ready?"

KITTY: Jem dares that every day.

LADY FLO: It happened to be the cook's fault.

KITTY: Ah! That would make no difference to Jem.

LADY FLO (_impatient_): I wish, darling, you would allow me to speak!

KITTY: Oh! I beg pardon.

LADY FLO (_continuing, blandly_): Not at all! Now, I replied: "The salmon has just fallen into the fire, and cook has had to send for another!"

KITTY: That was true?

LADY FLO: Not in the least! I had ordered red mullet. And Will ate his fish without noticing the difference.

KITTY: Jem would not have made that mistake.

LADY FLO: Oh, yes, he would, if you had just glanced at him in the right manner.

KITTY (_eagerly_): Show me how to do it!

LADY FLO (_drily_): It requires the inspiration of the moment. Ah! could you but see me with Will!

KITTY: It is certain you are very happy together.

LADY FLO: So we are; owing to my always using sweetness, firmness, and indifference just at the right moment. But all this, I confess, requires intelligence.

KITTY: Had I but the intelligence! It must be splendid to be able to avert a coming storm in this way.

LADY FLO: There never has been the question of a storm between Will and me!

KITTY: Happy, happy people!

LADY FLO: And you, my very dear children, must become happy, happy people too! William would feel your sorrow as deeply as I. We must do all in our power to restore peace and comfort between you! I shall try my very utmost to show you your little failings--here and there--you know. And as for Will! Why, he'll talk Jem over in no time! Before a week is out we shall see you walking arm-in-arm to matins--the happiest couple in all Yorkshire.

KITTY: Impossible!

LADY FLO: Nay! We can but try. (_Enter_ SIR WILLIAM.) Ah! Here comes your uncle. Now, run away, dear, and leave us alone for a discreet little talk. Who knows but what we may hit upon a plan to help you! (_Exit_ KITTY.)

LADY FLO: Will, dearest! We must talk very seriously over our niece and nephew together.

SIR W. (_aside_): It is high time!

LADY FLO: But, first of all, by the way, I want to know what it was you were saying to Jem, when I came into the room a few minutes ago.

SIR W. (_consciously_): To Jem? Why, I was saying nothing to Jem!

LADY FLO: Oh, yes, you were! Now try to remember. Kitty and I heard you talking in quite an excited manner as we came downstairs. Then as we came nearer the door you lowered your voice.

SIR W.: Indeed, _no_!

LADY FLO: Yes, yes, you did, dear!

SIR W.: No, no, I didn't, dear!

LADY FLO: Don't tell fibs, darling.

SIR W.: You want to know too much, my dear, good Flo.

LADY FLO: Too much? Oh, no! That would be impossible! However, I know you will tell me the whole truth by-and-by.

SIR W.: First let me know what you have to say.

LADY FLO: Well, I'm in the deepest distress about the two young people. They seem to be at terrible loggerheads. Now, perhaps Jem confided the secret of his unhappy married life to you?

SIR W.: He never said a word about it! (_Bites his lip._)

LADY FLO: Nevertheless, I assure you they lead a cat-and-dog existence.

SIR W.: Oh, dear, dear! Is that so?

LADY FLO: Why, of course! You saw them quarrelling yourself. But still I have hopes we may be able to arrange matters a little better for them. Who knows but what we may see them re-united before we leave this house?

SIR W.: We will do our best to help them, poor young things!

LADY FLO: Yes! Poor young things!

SIR W.: And I've no doubt we shall succeed.

LADY FLO: At the same time, it seems to me as if the abyss between them _may_ widen.

SIR W.: That may be so. The abyss _may_ widen! (_Indicates an imaginary abyss, at which LADY FLO shakes her head_).

LADY FLO: If a man and woman aren't made for one another----

SIR W.: Like you and me. I pointed that out to Jem.

LADY FLO: I'm afraid it didn't affect him as it ought. (_With a sentimental sigh_) The only consolation we can derive from the misfortune of our nephew and niece is that we are happier than they!

SIR W.: Clever little woman! (_Kisses her._)

LADY FLO: Dear old Will! (_Kisses him. Then with a sudden change of tone_) But now I _must_ hear what it was Jem was saying to you when I came into the room! You answered that "of course you wouldn't tell his aunt for the wide world." That must have been a _façon de parler_!

SIR W.: Of course! of course! And you shall know all about it as soon as I have asked Jem's leave. Meanwhile we must attend to the fates of these unhappy young people. We had better first try to show them their grievous fault as gently as possible, and if gentleness does not answer----

LADY FLO: Oh, yes! Gentleness is all very well! But I tell you quite candidly, Will, that before we talk of gentleness I must insist on knowing what it is you told Jem that you would not let me hear.

SIR W.: The fact is, my dear----(_Coughs._)

LADY FLO: Tell me what the fact is, and at once, my dear!

SIR W.: The facts are, dear child----(_Coughs again._)

LADY FLO (_irritated_): Don't cough!

SIR W. (_continues coughing_): Well! it's a long story.

LADY FLO: Haven't you a lozenge?

SIR W.: Never mind the lozenge! The story, I say, is a long one.

LADY FLO: Long or short, I must hear it!

SIR W.: I'll tell it to you, later on.

LADY FLO: I begin to suspect you can't tell me all about it, simply--because you _can't_!

SIR W.: Oh! I can! I could!

LADY FLO: Oh, no, you can't. You couldn't, and you ought to be ashamed of yourself!

SIR W.: You are going just a little bit too far, Florence.

LADY FLO: Oh, no; it was _you_ who went too far. Why, I knew it by the look on your face the instant I came into the room!

SIR W. (_aside_): She is going very much too far. (_Aloud_) Nonsense!

LADY FLO: I beg pardon?

SIR W.: I repeat "Nonsense." And _ridiculous nonsense_!

LADY FLO: Then, how dare you?

SIR W.: You forget yourself strangely.

LADY FLO: Do not attempt to adopt your nephew's manner to his wife towards me!

SIR W.: It is _you_, my love, who are unfortunate in your choice of a manner this morning; and although pettishness in a young girl like Kitty has a certain little charm of its own----

LADY FLO: Yes!

SIR W.: When a woman has reached your time of life----

LADY FLO (_furious_): Yes!!!

SIR W.: Petulance sits remarkably ill upon her--upon _you_, my dear----

LADY FLO: When a man has reached your time of life and remains as great a fool----

SIR W. (_furious_): A fool?

LADY FLO: Yes! As great a fool and an idiot as ever----

SIR W.: I was always aware you had the very devil of a temper, Florence, and now, after fifteen years of married life, I make the discovery that you can be excessively--ahem!--unladylike.

LADY FLO: It's highly amusing to hear you express an opinion on the subject of how a lady should behave. When one remembers your sisters, one is inclined to believe you were not, perhaps, brought up in a school of the very highest standard.

SIR W.: You insult my sisters! _(Becomes much excited and takes her by the arm.)_ Repeat that again!

(_Enter JEM. Stands in amazement._)

JEM: For Heaven's sake, what _is_ the matter?

SIR W.: Ask your Aunt Florence, my dear boy.

LADY FLO: I feel positively ashamed that you should come upon us--upon your uncle, I mean--at a moment when he is behaving like a raving madman!

JEM: A raving madman! My uncle Jem!

LADY FLO: Man-like, you side with a man! (_With increasing agitation_) I have always known your uncle to be a weak, nerveless----(_Enter KITTY. Looks around, dumfounded._)

KITTY: Dear aunty! I'm frightened! You can't be well! What does this mean?

LADY FLO: Only that your husband is inciting mine to be abusive.

KITTY: Impossible!

LADY FLO: Woman-like, you side with a man! Let me tell you that your poor uncle is pitiable in his foolishness this morning.

SIR W.: Florence! Once for all, I assert my authority. Be silent this moment, or I shall feel obliged to ask you to return home.

LADY FLO: Without you?

SIR W.: If that pleases you!

LADY FLO: It would suit me remarkably well.

SIR W.: In that case--"Go!"

LADY FLO: I shall, instantly; and when you desire to come home, I shall give the servants orders not to admit you----

SIR W. (_turning to JEM_): A man not admitted to his own house! That's rather too good, isn't it, Jem?

LADY FLO: We shall see! (_Turns to KITTY_) Meanwhile, Kitty, I bid you good-bye.

KITTY: Oh! Aunty! You can't mean that! Pray don't say good-bye!

LADY FLO (_dramatically_): Yes, I mean "_Good-bye_"! (_Brushes furiously past SIR WILLIAM, and exit. KITTY makes movement to follow, but returns to SIR WILLIAM and JEM._)

SIR W. _(bitterly):_ Don't hold her back, Kitty.

JEM: You are mad!

SIR W.: Less mad than you, when an hour ago you told me you found life intolerable with Kitty.

KITTY (_moved_): He said that? _Jem_ said that to you?

JEM: No, no! (_Compunctious._)

SIR W.: Oh! It's an easy matter for two young people to kiss again with tears. 'Twill be a different matter between your aunt and me. Florence will have no chance, however much she may wish it. The time has come for me to put down my foot at last. (_Exit, talking and gesticulating angrily._)

(_After the exit of SIR WILLIAM, JEM and KITTY look up slowly at one another. Their eyes meet. They turn away._)

JEM: (_much embarrassed_): Kitty!

KITTY: Jem!

JEM: This is painful! In fact, it's worse than wicked--it's vulgar!

KITTY (_gently_): It's simply dreadful to see two people behaving in such a way.

JEM: And at their time of life!

KITTY: That's the awful part of it!

JEM: I wonder how they can do it!

KITTY (_archly, yet on the verge of tears_): So do I!

(_At the last words they turn; their eyes meet. KITTY falters. JEM falters. After a moment they fall into one another's arms._)

_Enter PORTER_: Her ladyship has bidden me to put her trunks together, ma'am.

KITTY: Wait a minute, Porter. Perhaps I can persuade her ladyship to stay. (_Voices from without._)

LADY FLO: I wish to go this instant, and alone.

SIR W.: By all means, and to-morrow my lawyer shall wait on you.

LADY FLO: And mine on you. (_After a moment, they enter._)

LADY FLO: And it has come to this, William!

SIR W.: By mutual consent. This is the happiest day of my life. I breathe again. I know now I have never breathed until this moment since the day I married you!

LADY FLO: This is beyond everything! (_Violently excited._)

JEM (_whispers aside to KITTY, unobserved; play on both sides; then, after evidently agreeing on a plan, pretend to treat the matter as a joke; advancing_): Bravo! Bravissimo! _Capital!_ (_Roars with forced laughter._)

KITTY: Splendid! I never saw anything so well done! (_Joins her husband in laughter._)

SIR W.: It's no laughing matter!

JEM: Ha! ha! I daresay not.

KITTY: Irving and Ellen Terry are not in it! (_Continues laughing._)

LADY FLO: What _can_ you mean?

JEM: Oh, don't pretend that you and my uncle have not been getting up this little comedy of a quarrel, merely to show Kitty and me what fools we look when _we_ are fighting! Why! It was better than any play I ever saw!

SIR W.: It's all been in sober earnest, I assure you.

(_LADY FLO recovers slightly. Looks first at JEM, then at KITTY, and lastly at SIR WILLIAM._)

LADY FLO (_slowly_): You call--all--this--a little comedy? (_Recovers more, but very gradually._)

KITTY: Why, yes! Don't attempt to say it wasn't--(_slyly_)--especially after all you told me this morning about how cleverly you manage my uncle. Just let me see you glance at him in the way you said you could. (_Whispering._)

(_LADY FLO further recovers herself. Her expression softens. After a minute or two she smiles meaningly to herself._)

JEM: Now, Uncle Will, do finish off by pretending to make up the quarrel! There's my aunt waiting with her smile already!

SIR W. (_stupidly_): _Pretend_ to make up the quarrel?

LADY FLO (_suddenly radiant_): Why, yes! You silly old goose! Don't you see the fun? Pretend to give me a kiss at once. (_They kiss._)

JEM and KITTY (_aside_): That's a comfort. (_They walk up stage._)

LADY FLO (_aside to SIR WILLIAM_): I can see you are dying to make amends for all you have just said!

SIR W.: I don't deny that I may be!

LADY FLO: Then tell me what it was you were concocting with Jem! There's an old dear!

SIR W.: Since we are all good friends again I don't mind telling you Jem was confiding his little troubles to me.

LADY FLO: But you had already found them out!

SIR W.: And also that there was a possibility of a separation!

LADY FLO: Silly children!

SIR W.: Had you not at once flown into a rage, I should have broken my promise to Jem, and have told you all!

LADY FLO: That was quite right of you. (_They walk up stage, amicably, arm-in-arm. JEM and KITTY walk to CENTRE._)

JEM: You will find me ready dressed to start for eight o'clock matins, to-morrow morning, Kitty!

KITTY: Oh! That's very much too much to ask of you!

JEM: Not at all! Providing you won't insist on going out with the guns.

KITTY: I shall only wish what _you_ wish from this day forward, dearest Jem!

JEM: That's all right! (_They kiss, laughingly, as the curtain descends. LADY FLO and SIR WILLIAM look on smiling._)

FOOTNOTES:

[A] The rights of representation are reserved.

ZIG ZAGS AT THE ZOO

ZIG ZAG CURSOREAN

ARTHUR MORRISON AND J. R. SHEPARD

Such birds as, having wings, fly not, preferring to walk, to run, or to waddle, as legs and other circumstances may permit or compel--these are the cursores: such birds also as, having no wings, or none to speak of, run by compulsion on such legs as they may muster. These are many--so many that I almost repent me of the heading to this chapter, wherein I may speak only of the struthiones among the cursores--the curious cassowary, the quaint kiwi, the raucous rhea, the errant emeu, and the overtopping ostrich. But the heading is there--let it stand; for in the name of the cursores I see the raw material of many sad jokes--whereunto I pray I may never be tempted, but may leave them for an easy exercise for such as have set out upon the shameless career of the irreclaimable pun-flinger.

It was some time--years--before I got rid of the impression left upon me by the first ostrich with which I became acquainted. He lived in an old picture-book, and would nowadays be considered quite out of fashion by up-to-date ostriches, having webbed feet and an improper number of toes. I like to believe that feet of this sort were popular among ostriches at that time, being loath to destroy early beliefs. From the same cause, I have other little private superstitions about the ostrich; there was no ostrich, so far as I can remember, in my Noah's ark, whence I derive my conviction that the species cannot have existed at the time of the Deluge, but has been evolved, in the succeeding centuries, by a gradual approach and assimilation of the several characteristics of the camel and the goose.