Chapter 42

'When I was in the Country last Summer, I was often in Company with a Couple of charming Women, who had all the Wit and Beauty one could desire in Female Companions, with a Dash of Coquetry, that from time to time gave me a great many agreeable Torments. I was, after my Way, in Love with both of them, and had such frequent opportunities of pleading my Passion to them when they were asunder, that I had Reason to hope for particular Favours from each of them. As I was walking one Evening in my Chamber with nothing about me but my Night gown, they both came into my Room and told me, They had a very pleasant Trick to put upon a Gentleman that was in the same House, provided I would bear a Part in it. Upon this they told me such a plausible Story, that I laughed at their Contrivance, and agreed to do whatever they should require of me: They immediately began to swaddle me up in my Night-Gown with long Pieces of Linnen, which they folded about me till they had wrapt me in above an hundred Yards of Swathe: My Arms were pressed to my Sides, and my Legs closed together by so many Wrappers one over another, that I looked like an _Ægyptian_ Mummy. As I stood bolt upright upon one End in this antique Figure, one of the Ladies burst out a laughing, And now, _Pontignan_, says she, we intend to perform the Promise that we find you have extorted from each of us. You have often asked the Favour of us, and I dare say you are a better bred Cavalier than to refuse to go to Bed to two Ladies, that desire it of you. After having stood a Fit of Laughter, I begged them to uncase me, and do with me what they pleased. No, no, said they, we like you very well as you are; and upon that ordered me to be carried to one of their Houses, and put to Bed in all my Swaddles. The Room was lighted up on all Sides: and I was laid very decently between a [Pair [4]] of Sheets, with my Head (which was indeed the only Part I could move) upon a very high Pillow: This was no sooner done, but my two Female Friends came into Bed to me in their finest Night-Clothes. You may easily guess at the Condition of a Man that saw a Couple of the most beautiful Women in the World undrest and abed with him, without being able to stir Hand or Foot. I begged them to release me, and struggled all I could to get loose, which I did with so much Violence, that about Midnight they both leaped out of the Bed, crying out they were undone. But seeing me safe, they took their Posts again, and renewed their Raillery. Finding all my Prayers and Endeavours were lost, I composed my self as well as I could, and told them, that if they would not unbind me, I would fall asleep between them, and by that means disgrace them for ever: But alas! this was impossible; could I have been disposed to it, they would have prevented me by several little ill-natured Caresses and Endearments which they bestowed upon me. As much devoted as I am to Womankind, I would not pass such another Night to be Master of the whole Sex. My Reader will doubtless be curious to know what became of me the next Morning: Why truly my Bed-fellows left me about an Hour before Day, and told me, if I would be good and lie still, they would send somebody to take me up as soon as it was time for me to rise: Accordingly about Nine a Clock in the Morning an old Woman came to un-swathe me. I bore all this very patiently, being resolved to take my Revenge of my Tormentors, and to keep no Measures with them as soon as I was at Liberty; but upon asking my old Woman what was become of the two Ladies, she told me she believed they were by that Time within Sight of _Paris_, for that they went away in a Coach and six before five a clock in the Morning.

L.

[Footnote 1: Plato's doctrine of the soul and of its destiny is to be found at the close of his 'Republic'; also near the close of the 'Phædon', in a passage of the 'Philebus', and in another of the 'Gorgias'. In § 131 of the 'Phædon' is the passage here especially referred to; which was the basis also of lines 461-475 of Milton's 'Comus'. The last of our own Platonists was Henry More, one of whose books Addison quoted four essays back (in No. 86), and who died only four and twenty years before these essays were written, after a long contest in prose and verse, against besotting or obnubilating the soul with 'the foul steam of earthly life.']

[Footnote 2: which]

[Footnote 3: Paraphrased from the 'Academe Galante' (Ed. 1708, p. 160).]

[Footnote 4: couple]

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No. 91. Thursday, June 14, 1711. Steele.

'In furias ignemque ruunt, Amor omnibus Idem.'

Virg.

Tho' the Subject I am now going upon would be much more properly the Foundation of a Comedy, I cannot forbear inserting the Circumstances which pleased me in the Account a young Lady gave me of the Loves of a Family in Town, which shall be nameless; or rather for the better Sound and Elevation of the History, instead of Mr. and Mrs. such-a-one, I shall call them by feigned Names. Without further Preface, you are to know, that within the Liberties of the City of _Westminster_ lives the Lady _Honoria_, a Widow about the Age of Forty, of a healthy Constitution, gay Temper, and elegant Person. She dresses a little too much like a Girl, affects a childish Fondness in the Tone of her Voice, sometimes a pretty Sullenness in the leaning of her Head, and now and then a Down-cast of her Eyes on her Fan: Neither her Imagination nor her Health would ever give her to know that she is turned of Twenty; but that in the midst of these pretty Softnesses, and Airs of Delicacy and Attraction, she has a tall Daughter within a Fortnight of Fifteen, who impertinently comes into the Room, and towers so much towards Woman, that her Mother is always checked by her Presence, and every Charm of _Honoria_ droops at the Entrance of _Flavia_. The agreeable _Flavia_ would be what she is not, as well as her Mother _Honoria_; but all their Beholders are more partial to an Affectation of what a Person is growing up to, than of what has been already enjoyed, and is gone for ever. It is therefore allowed to _Flavia_ to look forward, but not to _Honoria_ to look back. _Flavia_ is no way dependent on her Mother with relation to her Fortune, for which Reason they live almost upon an Equality in Conversation; and as _Honoria_ has given _Flavia_ to understand, that it is ill-bred to be always calling Mother, _Flavia_ is as well pleased never to be called Child. It happens by this means, that these Ladies are generally Rivals in all Places where they appear; and the Words Mother and Daughter never pass between them but out of Spite. _Flavia_ one Night at a Play observing _Honoria_ draw the Eyes of several in the Pit, called to a Lady who sat by her, and bid her ask her Mother to lend her her Snuff-Box for one Moment. Another Time, when a Lover of _Honoria_ was on his Knees beseeching the Favour to kiss her Hand, _Flavia_ rushing into the Room, kneeled down by him and asked Blessing. Several of these contradictory Acts of Duty have raised between them such a Coldness that they generally converse when they are in mixed Company by way of talking at one another, and not to one another. _Honoria_ is ever complaining of a certain Sufficiency in the young Women of this Age, who assume to themselves an Authority of carrying all things before them, as if they were Possessors of the Esteem of Mankind, and all, who were but a Year before them in the World, were neglected or deceased. _Flavia_, upon such a Provocation, is sure to observe, that there are People who can resign nothing, and know not how to give up what they know they cannot hold; that there are those who will not allow Youth their Follies, not because they are themselves past them, but because they love to continue in them. These Beauties Rival each other on all Occasions, not that they have always had the same Lovers but each has kept up a Vanity to shew the other the Charms of her Lover. _Dick Crastin_ and _Tom Tulip_, among many others, have of late been Pretenders in this Family: _Dick_ to _Honoria_, _Tom_ to _Flavia_. _Dick_ is the only surviving Beau of the last Age, and _Tom_ almost the only one that keeps up that Order of Men in this.

I wish I could repeat the little Circumstances of a Conversation of the four Lovers with the Spirit in which the young Lady, I had my Account from, represented it at a Visit where I had the Honour to be present; but it seems _Dick Crastin_, the admirer of _Honoria_, and _Tom Tulip_, the Pretender to _Flavia_, were purposely admitted together by the Ladies, that each might shew the other that her Lover had the Superiority in the Accomplishments of that sort of Creature whom the sillier Part of Women call a fine Gentleman. As this Age has a much more gross Taste in Courtship, as well as in every thing else, than the last had, these Gentlemen are Instances of it in their different Manner of Application. _Tulip_ is ever making Allusions to the Vigour of his Person, the sinewy Force of his Make; while _Crastin_ professes a wary Observation of the Turns of his Mistress's Mind. _Tulip_ gives himself the Air of a restless Ravisher, _Crastin_ practises that of a skilful Lover. Poetry is the inseparable Property of every Man in Love; and as Men of Wit write Verses on those Occasions, the rest of the World repeat the Verses of others. These Servants of the Ladies were used to imitate their Manner of Conversation, and allude to one another, rather than interchange Discourse in what they said when they met. _Tulip_ the other Day seized his Mistress's Hand, and repeated out of _Ovid's Art of Love_,

_'Tis I can in soft Battles pass the Night, } Yet rise next Morning vigorous for the Fight, } Fresh as the Day, and active as the Light._ }

Upon hearing this, _Crastin_, with an Air of Deference, played _Honoria_'s Fan, and repeated,

Sedley _has that prevailing gentle Art, } That can with a resistless Charm impart } The loosest Wishes to the chastest Heart: } Raise such a Conflict, kindle such a Fire, Between declining Virtue and Desire, Till the poor vanquish'd Maid dissolves away In Dreams all Night, in Sighs and Tears all Day._ [1]

When _Crastin_ had uttered these Verses with a Tenderness which at once spoke Passion and Respect, _Honoria_ cast a triumphant Glance at _Flavia_, as exulting in the Elegance of _Crastin's_ Courtship, and upbraiding her with the Homeliness of _Tulip's_. _Tulip_ understood the Reproach, and in Return began to applaud the Wisdom of old amorous Gentlemen, who turned their Mistress's Imagination as far as possible from what they had long themselves forgot, and ended his Discourse with a sly Commendation of the Doctrine of _Platonick_ Love; at the same time he ran over, with a laughing Eye, _Crastin's_ thin Legs, meagre Looks, and spare Body. The old Gentleman immediately left the Room with some Disorder, and the Conversation fell upon untimely Passion, After-Love, and unseasonable Youth. _Tulip_ sung, danced, moved before the Glass, led his Mistress half a Minuet, hummed

Celia _the Fair, in the bloom of Fifteen_;

when there came a Servant with a Letter to him, which was as follows.

SIR,

'I understand very well what you meant by your Mention of _Platonick_ Love. I shall be glad to meet you immediately in _Hide-Park_, or behind _Montague-House_, or attend you to Barn-Elms, [2] or any other fashionable Place that's fit for a Gentleman to die in, that you shall appoint for,

_Sir, Your most Humble Servant_, Richard Crastin.

_Tulip's_ Colour changed at the reading of this Epistle; for which Reason his Mistress snatched it to read the Contents. While she was doing so _Tulip_ went away, and the Ladies now agreeing in a Common Calamity, bewailed together the Danger of their Lovers. They immediately undressed to go out, and took Hackneys to prevent Mischief: but, after alarming all Parts of the Town, _Crastin_ was found by his Widow in his Pumps at _Hide-Park_, which Appointment _Tulip_ never kept, but made his Escape into the Country. _Flavia_ tears her Hair for his inglorious Safety, curses and despises her Charmer, is fallen in Love with _Crastin_: Which is the first Part of the History of the _Rival Mother_.

R.

[Footnote 1: Rochester's 'Imitations of Horace', Sat. I. 10.]

[Footnote 2: A famous duelling place under elm trees, in a meadow half surrounded by the Thames.]

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No. 92. Friday, June 15, 1711. Addison.

'... Convivæ prope dissentire videntur, Poscentes vario multum diversa palato; Quid dem? Quid non dem?'

Hor.

Looking over the late Packets of Letters which have been sent to me, I found the following one. [1]

_Mr_. SPECTATOR,

'Your Paper is a Part of my Tea-Equipage; and my Servant knows my Humour so well, that calling for my Breakfast this Morning (it being past my usual Hour) she answer'd, the SPECTATOR was not yet come in; but that the Tea-Kettle boiled, and she expected it every Moment. Having thus in part signified to you the Esteem and Veneration which I have for you, I must put you in mind of the Catalogue of Books which you have promised to recommend to our Sex; for I have deferred furnishing my Closet with Authors, 'till I receive your Advice in this Particular, being your daily Disciple and humble Servant,

LEONORA.

In Answer to my fair Disciple, whom I am very proud of, I must acquaint her and the rest of my Readers, that since I have called out for Help in my Catalogue of a Lady's Library, I have received many Letters upon that Head, some of which I shall give an Account of.

In the first Class I shall take notice of those which come to me from eminent Booksellers, who every one of them mention with Respect the Authors they have printed, and consequently have an Eye to their own Advantage more than to that of the Ladies. One tells me, that he thinks it absolutely necessary for Women to have true Notions of Right and Equity, and that therefore they cannot peruse a better Book than _Dalton's Country Justice_: Another thinks they cannot be without _The Compleat Jockey_. A third observing the Curiosity and Desire of prying into Secrets, which he tells me is natural to the fair Sex, is of Opinion this female Inclination, if well directed, might turn very much to their Advantage, and therefore recommends to me _Mr_. Mede _upon the Revelations_. A fourth lays it down as an unquestioned Truth, that a Lady cannot be thoroughly accomplished who has not read _The Secret Treaties and Negotiations of Marshal_ D'Estrades. Mr. _Jacob Tonson Jun._ is of Opinion, that _Bayle's Dictionary_ might be of very great use to the Ladies, in order to make them general Scholars. Another whose Name I have forgotten, thinks it highly proper that every Woman with Child should read _Mr._ Wall's _History of Infant Baptism_: As another is very importunate with me to recommend to all my female Readers _The finishing Stroke: Being a Vindication of the Patriarchal Scheme_, &c.

In the second Class I shall mention Books which are recommended by Husbands, if I may believe the Writers of them. Whether or no they are real Husbands or personated ones I cannot tell, but the Books they recommend are as follow. _A Paraphrase on the History of_ Susanna. _Rules to keep_ Lent. _The Christian's Overthrow prevented. A Dissuasive from the Play-house. The Virtues of Camphire, with Directions to make Camphire Tea. The Pleasures of a Country Life. The Government of the Tongue_. A Letter dated from _Cheapside_ desires me that I would advise all young Wives to make themselves Mistresses of _Wingate's Arithmetick_, and concludes with a Postscript, that he hopes I will not forget _The Countess of_ Kent's _Receipts_.

I may reckon the Ladies themselves as a third Class among these my Correspondents and Privy-Counsellors. In a Letter from one of them, I am advised to place _Pharamond_ at the Head of my Catalogue, and, if I think proper, to give the second place to _Cassandra_. _Coquetilla_ begs me not to think of nailing Women upon their Knees with Manuals of Devotion, nor of scorching their Faces with Books of Housewifry. _Florella_ desires to know if there are any Books written against Prudes, and intreats me, if there are, to give them a Place in my Library. Plays of all Sorts have their several Advocates: _All for Love_ is mentioned in above fifteen Letters; _Sophonisba_, or _Hannibal's Overthrow_, in a Dozen; _The Innocent Adultery_ is likewise highly approved of; _Mithridates King of Pontus_ has many Friends; _Alexander the Great_ and _Aurengzebe_ have the same Number of Voices; but _Theodosius_, or _The Force of Love_. carries it from all the rest. [2]

I should, in the last Place, mention such Books as have been proposed by Men of Learning, and those who appear competent Judges of this Matter; and must here take Occasion to thank _A. B_. whoever it is that conceals himself under those two Letters, for his Advice upon this Subject: But as I find the Work I have undertaken to be very difficult, I shall defer the executing of it till I am further acquainted with the Thoughts of my judicious Contemporaries, and have time to examine the several Books they offer to me; being resolved, in an Affair of this Moment, to proceed with the greatest Caution.

In the mean while, as I have taken the Ladies under my particular Care, I shall make it my Business to find out in the best Authors ancient and modern such Passages as may be for their use, and endeavour to accommodate them as well as I can to their Taste; not questioning but the valuable Part of the Sex will easily pardon me, if from Time to Time I laugh at those little Vanities and Follies which appear in the Behaviour of some of them, and which are more proper for Ridicule than a serious Censure. Most Books being calculated for Male Readers, and generally written with an Eye to Men of Learning, makes a Work of this Nature the more necessary; besides, I am the more encouraged, because I flatter myself that I see the Sex daily improving by these my Speculations. My fair Readers are already deeper Scholars than the Beaus. I could name some of them who could talk much better than several Gentlemen that make a Figure at _Will's_; and as I frequently receive Letters from the _fine Ladies_ and _pretty Fellows_, I cannot but observe that the former are superior to the others not only in the Sense but in the Spelling. This cannot but have a good Effect upon the Female World, and keep them from being charmed by those empty Coxcombs that have hitherto been admired among the Women, tho' laugh'd at among the Men.

I am credibly informed that _Tom Tattle_ passes for an impertinent Fellow, that _Will Trippet_ begins to be smoaked, and that _Frank Smoothly_ himself is within a Month of a Coxcomb, in case I think fit to continue this Paper. For my part, as it is my Business in some measure to detect such as would lead astray weak Minds by their false Pretences to Wit and Judgment, Humour and Gallantry, I shall not fail to lend the best Lights I am able to the fair Sex for the Continuation of these their Discoveries.

[Footnote 1: By Mrs. Perry, whose sister, Miss Shepheard, has letters in two later numbers, 140 and 163. These ladies were descended from Sir Fleetwood Shepheard.]

[Footnote 2: Michael Dalton's 'Country Justice' was first published in 1618. Joseph Mede's 'Clavis Apocalyptica,' published in 1627, and translated by Richard More in 1643, was as popular in the Pulpit as 'The Country Justice' on the Bench. The negotiations of Count d'Estrades were from 1637 to 1662. The translation of Bayle's Dictionary had been published by Tonson in 1610. Dr. William Wall's 'History of Infant Baptism,' published in 1705, was in its third edition. 'Aurungzebe' was by Dryden. 'Mithridates' and 'Theodosius' were by Lee.]

* * * * *

No. 93. Saturday, June 16, 1711. Addison.

'... Spatio brevi Spem longam reseces: dum loquimur, fugerit Invida Ætas: carpe Diem, quam minimum credula postero.'

Hor.

We all of us complain of the Shortness of Time, saith _Seneca_ [1] and yet have much more than we know what to do with. Our Lives, says he, are spent either in doing nothing at all, or in doing nothing to the Purpose, or in doing nothing that we ought to do: We are always complaining our Days are few, and acting as though there would be no End of them. That noble Philosopher has described our Inconsistency with our selves in this Particular, by all those various Turns of Expression and Thought which are peculiar to his Writings.

I often consider Mankind as wholly inconsistent with itself in a Point that bears some Affinity to the former. Though we seem grieved at the Shortness of Life in general, we are wishing every Period of it at an end. The Minor longs to be at Age, then to be a Man of Business, then to make up an Estate, then to arrive at Honours, then to retire. Thus although the whole of Life is allowed by every one to be short, the several Divisions of it appear long and tedious. We are for lengthening our Span in general, but would fain contract the Parts of which it is composed. The Usurer would be very well satisfied to have all the Time annihilated that lies between the present Moment and next Quarter-day. The Politician would be contented to lose three Years in his Life, could he place things in the Posture which he fancies they will stand in after such a Revolution of Time. The Lover would be glad to strike out of his Existence all the Moments that are to pass away before the happy Meeting. Thus, as fast as our Time runs, we should be very glad in most Parts of our Lives that it ran much faster than it does. Several Hours of the Day hang upon our Hands, nay we wish away whole Years: and travel through Time as through a Country filled with many wild and empty Wastes, which we would fain hurry over, that we may arrive at those several little Settlements or imaginary Points of Rest which are dispersed up and down in it.

If we divide the Life of most Men into twenty Parts, we shall find that at least nineteen of them are meer Gaps and Chasms, which are neither filled with Pleasure nor Business. I do not however include in this Calculation the Life of those Men who are in a perpetual Hurry of Affairs, but of those only who are not always engaged in Scenes of Action; and I hope I shall not do an unacceptable Piece of Service to these Persons, if I point out to them certain Methods for the filling up their empty Spaces of Life. The Methods I shall propose to them are as follow.

The first is the Exercise of Virtue, in the most general Acceptation of the Word. That particular Scheme which comprehends the Social Virtues, may give Employment to the most industrious Temper, and find a Man in Business more than the most active Station of Life. To advise the Ignorant, relieve the Needy, comfort the Afflicted, are Duties that fall in our way almost every Day of our Lives. A Man has frequent Opportunities of mitigating the Fierceness of a Party; of doing Justice to the Character of a deserving Man; of softning the Envious, quieting the Angry, and rectifying the Prejudiced; which are all of them Employments suited to a reasonable Nature, and bring great Satisfaction to the Person who can busy himself in them with Discretion.