Part 8

Ladies! the _stags_ (as wise men say) Change _horns_ but _once_ a-year: Whereas _your_ stags change _ev'ry day_, As plainly does appear.

ON GRIEVES'S BRUSH.

Some men _brush_ on, and some _brush_ off, And some _brush_ out of sight! While _Grieves's[25] brush_ makes thousands _rush_ To see it every night.

[25] The eminent talents of this distinguished artist have been for a series of years displayed in the beautiful scenery produced at Covent Garden Theatre.

ON THE HYDE PARK ACHILLES.

If on this pedestal we see Our great _Achilles_ and Protector, Why then the inference must be, He whom he vanquished was a _Hector_.

EPIGRAMS BY W. R. V.

_On reading that Madame Fodor had endangered her life by drinking vinegar to reduce her shape._

Against Fodor's existence, it may truly be said, That custom has raised an unnatural strife; For if she gets _fat_--she loses her _bread_; And if she gets _thin_--she loses her _life_.

_On seeing Mrs. Siddons at Covent-Garden Theatre, on the first night of the appearance of Miss Dance._

Piozzi, when eighty, at a dance led the first, But she was mirth's votary through life's pleasant trance, And though fame knows not age, yet our wonder is just, Where _Melpomene's_ self comes to welcome the _Dance_.

_On seeing Miss Foote in the part of Ariel, so exquisitely played by Miss Tree._

Where's Ariel? that is, where is _Tree_? Whose voice and form so truly suit in't; Surely the public must agree, The Manager has put his _Foot_ in't.

_On the Commons passing the Catholic Bill one day, and on the next throwing out a Toll for passing Blackfriars Bridge._

England's friendly to all, let folks say what they will, From Gentile, or Jew, she ne'er was a rover; Her _Commons_ first passed the Catholic Bill, And the very next day vote for the _Pass over_.

_On reading that Captain Parry embarked on board the "Fury" Discovery Ship early in Passion Week._

Parry's _rage_ for discovery exceeds all, no doubt, For both captain and crew in a _Fury_ set out; But still some excuse will appear for this freak, When we learn the affair took place in _Passion_ week.

_On reading in the Paper a supposition that Shakspeare was lame._

That Shakspeare was _lame_, from his sonnets you'd gain, But _halt_ ere such men with _weakness_ you're branding; An abler _hand_ never guided a pen, And his works plainly show he'd a strong _understanding_.

ON THE NEW CROWN-PIECE;

_The Sovereign's name being cut George IIII. and not as heretofore George IV. with a laurel wreath._

Pistrucci, in thine art divine, Thou never wast more clever; Long may the _laurel_ mark our Sovereign's line, But may the _I.V._ never!

IMPROMPTU

_On Captain Fitz-Clarence's life being preserved by the interposition of Serjeant Legge, at the capture of the Conspirators in Cato Street._

When war destruction on the soldier deals, Some seek from death a refuge in their heels; E'en brave Fitz-Clarence, in the deadly strife, We find indebted to his _Legge_ for life!

MATTHEWS'S APOLOGY FOR A BAD COAT.

Jack from his box surveys the house around, Views in the pit a friend with glass erect, Whose rusty coat with many a gaping wound First draws the cut oblique, and then the cut direct.

"How now," cries Will! (whilst all around him heard), "Cut an old friend! why, Jack, what are you after? Oh, oh, the coat! 'pon honor that's absurd; Charles is so droll, I've _cracked my sides with laughter_."

TO A PEDANT WHO WORE A PIGTAIL.

That U follows Q Is not always true; When your pigtail I view, Then _queue_ follows _you_.

ON THE FILTHY STATE OF THE PAVEMENT DURING THE LATE RAINS.

When British flags triumphant scour'd the main, Trade unrestricted bless'd the industrious swain; But now in vain 'gainst hostile floods he fags. Oh that the main would scour the British flags!

TO THE AUTHOR OF "PEN OWEN."

If wit and elegance combined, With harmless satire glowing, Can gain applause, or charm the mind, It is to your _Pen-owing_.

ON BOCHSA'S DELUGE, LED BY SMART.

When Apollo appears, vain would Discord oppose; With a "Deluge" of music the house overflows; His (Boxer) _Bochsa beats time_, who's forced to impart Nought but pleasure arising from Harmony's _Smart_.

A SNEER ANSWERED.

"Leave off your puns," said Jack to Bill, "Give me a _bon mot_ if you will." "A what? a _bon mot_! how absurd! Whoever gave you a _good word_."

A PUNSTER'S EPITAPH ON HIS DOG.

Here _lies_, who living never _lied_, A friend sincere, of courage tried; No slave to wealth, to vice unknown, Though oft reduced to _pick_ a _bone_. _Patch'd_ was his _coat_, both _red_ and _white_, And _shaggy_ too his outward plight; Yet grateful still his master serv'd, And from allegiance never swerv'd. A sportsman true, who at a word Would _point_, and oft bring down his bird: Or _fetch_, or _carry_, _hunt_, or _find_, Whate'er was of the feather'd kind. "By no disease--no blast he fell, "But, like to fruit that's mellow'd well, "Dropp'd on the earth, worn out by time, "As clock that can no longer chime:" Here Carlo stopp'd--for want of breath, Outrun at last by Nimrod death. Bernard Blackmantle.

THE

PUNSTER'S COURT;

OR,

THE CONTEST BETWEEN JANUS AND PAN.

VERSIFIED FROM SWIFT.

_For Illustration, see Vignette to Title._

Great Plato and Homer, and half a score sages, Who flourished as scholars in heathen-like ages, Have all of them prov'd, if their writings you'll seek, That _Puns_ were esteem'd both by _Hebrew_ and _Greek_: Nay, more, that the gods loved and practised the fun, And their merriment owed to the mirth-making _Pun_. There's Buxtorf, a learned _Chaldean_, hath told, That Ptolemæus Philo-punnæus, of old, Sent for six learned priests, for his principal city, To propagate _punning_ and make the folks witty: And so well did the priests with the people succeed, That their _Puns_ were collected, and thus 'twas decreed; "In a temple devoted to _punning_ and wit, "In letters of gold, on the front shall be writ; "'The shop for the physic to gladden the soul,'"-- Where the sick, sad, and broken of heart are made whole. Here Janus contended with Pan for the throne, When his _double-faced_ godship unrivalled shone; For no matter how wittily Pan _punn'd_ away, Janus turn'd round his head from the "grave to the gay," Till the audience, fill'd with amazement and wonder, Decided for Janus's double _entendre_.

Bernard Blackmantle.

PUNS

FOR ALL PERSONS AND PURPOSES;

OR,

_JOKES FOR EVERY DAY IN THE YEAR._

"Touch but his _gunpowder wit_ with a merry _fire_, and you shall instantly hear a good _report_."

"A punster's wit, what is it like?" "The electric spark, from Merc'ry ta'en;" "Or gunpowder," says merry Mike, "Touch it, you bid adieu to pain."

PUNNING AT BACKGAMMON.

Two scholars of Brazen Nose College, Oxford, playing at backgammon, a third came in to _size_, that is, to obtrude for a dinner. The owner of the room throwing the dice, and addressing himself alternately to his visitors, said

"If I bate you an _ace_, _Deuce_ take me; for it would be-_tray_ a weakness in a man who could not _cater_ for himself. Therefore _sink_ me if you do _size_."

A NEGATIVE PUN.

"I am happy, Ned, to hear the report that you have succeeded to a large _landed_ property!" "And I am sorry, Tom, to tell you that it is _groundless_."

A PUN.--THE ORIGIN OF THE PAPAL POWER.

In the Latin version of the Bible there is the following passage:--_Tu es_ Petrus, _et super hanc petram ædificabo meam ecclesiam_. The French, in rendering these words into their own tongue, convert them into a proof that St. Peter was the corner stone here spoken of--_Tu es_ Pierre, _et sur cette pierre j'edifierai mon eglise_!!!

A MAN-MILLINER'S PUN.

An amateur, famous for taking a front seat in the pit the first night of a new opera, was dreadfully annoyed one night by the big drum, opposite to whose "loud sounds" he was unfortunately placed. He expressed his uneasiness so frequently, that the performer made use of the word "man-milliner" once or twice, in derision of his tender auriculars. "Man-milliner!" said the gentleman, "I am none, but you're the vilest _tambour-worker_ I ever met with."

A BACKSLIDER'S PUN.

A gentleman asked another if he would have a _skait_ on the Serpentine;--"Most certainly; but I can't trust to my _soles_ and _heels_: besides, I should lose my character."--"Lose your character!"--"Aye, I should become a _back-slider_."--"Oh," answered his friend, "come along; you'll do, if you commence on _fundamental_ principles."

AN HERALDIC PUN.

A gentleman employing a porter whose name was _Russel_, asked him jocularly, "Pray is your coat of arms the same with the duke of Bedford's?" "Our _arms_ (answered the fellow) are, I suppose, pretty much alike; but there is a confounded difference in our _coats_."

A CANONICAL PUN.

A canon of Exeter Cathedral died a few weeks since; a gentleman, crossing the Cathedral-yard in that city, accidentally met a friend, to whom he said--"So, Canon H---- is dead!"--"Indeed!" replied the other, "I was not aware that _cannons_ went _off_ in that way."--"Yes, they do," rejoined the first, "for I have just heard the _report_!"

AN APOTHECARY'S PUN.

"Does your husband expectorate?" said an apothecary to a poor Irish woman who had long visited his shop for her sick husband--"_Expect to ate_, yer honour--no sure, and Paddy does _not_ expect to ate--he's nothing at all to ate!" The humane man sent a large basin of _mixture_ from a tureen of soup then smoking on his table.

A BITTER PUN.

An apothecary asserted that all bitter things were hot. "Pardon me, (said his friend), this is a _bitter cold day_."

A SMUGGLER'S PUN.

When the Custom-house corps first made their public appearance, it was observed by one, that they looked as formidable as so many _Alexanders_. "Rather say," said another, "that they appear more like _Seizers_," (Cæsars.)

COLLEGE PUN UPON PUN.

Two Oxonians dining together, one of them noticing _a spot of grease_ on the neckcloth of his companion, said, "I see you are a _Grecian_."--"Pooh!" said the other, "that's _far-fetched_."--"No, indeed," says the punster, "I made it _on the spot_."

A CRANIOLOGICAL PUN.

A craniologist and a disciple of Lavater disputing the merits of their several professions; says the _Skullist_, "What we cannot get into their noddles, we get _out_ of them."--"Yes," says the physiognomist, "God help the heads _saddled_ with such a theory! for whilst one _galls_, t'other _spurs 'em_."

A CITY PUN.

A wag, upon seeing the name of "Mr. Ledger, conductor of the Albion Library," in the list of deaths, observed, "Ah! poor fellow! his _day-book's_ closed, and he's _posted_, I suppose, to his _long account_."--"By no means improbable," said another, "seeing he was engaged in _book-keeping_ all his life!"

A PHYSICAL PUN.

A gentleman dreadfully ill was recommended to a celebrated physician--"Oh," replies he, "I have called several times, but he's always out." "Why then," observes his friend, "try another." "Who?" "Who! why Sir _Ever-hard-Home_."

A COLLEGE PUN.

A prize was offered in a certain society sacred to the Latin classics, for the best "_Carmen_" to celebrate Christmas. A jocose tradesman, in the city, sent the meeting two of his carters, saying, he knew no better _carmen_ in the world to celebrate the festive season, as they had been "keeping it up" for the last fortnight.

A LADY'S PUN.

A very agreeable lady of the name of _Riggs_, being one season at Margate, in the house with six others, her relations, and only one gentleman to attend the whole; when one regretting that they had not more of the _male_ creation, she replied, "If we complain of not being well _manned_, I am sure we are well _rigged_."

A COBBLER'S PUN.

A man in the city, amongst many curiosities, exhibited the identical boot worn by Frederick the Great. A gentleman viewing it, asked where the bullet wound was; "Och, (said the fellow from the sister country) it's been _healed_ lately."

A JUDICIAL PUN.

One Hog was to be tried before Judge Bacon, who told him he was his kinsman. "Well (replied the learned judge), no _hog_ can become _bacon_ till he is _hanged_, and then I'll allow your claim."

A BACCHANALIAN PUN.

A jolly vicar, in a state of inebriety, making a zig-zag course to his house, was asked by a friend who met him, whence he came? He said, "I have been _spinning_ out the evening with my neighbour Freeport."--"And now (replied the other), you are _reeling_ it home."

A GERMAN PUN.

A young man of the name of Cæsar having married a young lady called Rome, a wag wrote upon his door, "_Cave, Cæsar, ne tua Roma fiat respublica_."

A WHISTLING PUN.

A youth was incurably addicted to the vile sin of punning. His father, who detested a pun not less than old Mr. Shandy himself, imposed a fine of half a crown for each commission of this offence. One day the father and son passing along, saw a man in the pillory. The punster could scarcely refrain from a pun with which he was big. The presence of dad, however, restraining his tongue, he indulged his wit by whistling, "_Through the wood, laddie_."

A MANAGER'S PUN.

A new comedy, on its third representation, being thinly attended, the author observed that it was all owing to the war. "No (said the manager) I fear it is owing to the _piece_."

THE ANTIGALLICAN PUN.

A Frenchman in a coffee-house called for a gill of wine, which was brought him in a glass. He said it was the _French_ custom to bring wine in a _measure_. The waiter answered, "Sir, we wish for no _French measures_ here."

A CLERICAL PUN.

A person asked the minister of his parish what was meant by "_He was clothed with curses as with a garment_."--"My good friend (said the minister), it means that he had _got a habit of swearing_."

A SELFISH PUN.

A certain tavern-keeper, who opened an oyster-shop as an appendage to his other establishment, was upbraided by a neighbouring oyster-monger, as being ungenerous and _selfish_. "And why (said he), would you not have me _sell-fish_?"

A GAMBLING PUN.

At a ball given lately by a very rich individual, M. de C. found himself _vis-à-vis_ at a table _d'écarté_, with a valet-de-chambre whom he had turned away some days before. "This time at least," said M. de S. to whom the circumstance was related, "this time, at least, he knew whom he had to _deal_ with!"

A STAYMAKER'S PUN.

A poor corset-maker, out of work, and starving, thus vented his miserable complaint: "Shame that I should be without bread; I that have _stayed the stomachs_ of thousands!"

CLERICAL PUNS.

At a church in Ireland, where there was a popular call for a minister, as it is termed, two candidates offered to preach, whose names were Adam and Low. The latter preached in the morning, and took for his text, "_Adam_, where art thou?" He made a very excellent discourse, and the congregation were much edified. In the afternoon Mr. Adam preached upon these words, "_Lo!_ here am I." The impromptu and the sermon gained him the appointment.

HORNE TOOKE'S PEDIGREE.

Horne Tooke having, in a political argument, obtained an advantage over his opponent, concluded by saying, "his irritable friend looked as red with vexation as a _Turkey Cock_." The other, thinking to wound his feelings by a cutting retort to this sarcasm, observed "that he dared to say Mr. Tooke had quite forgotten who his father was?" "Oh! no indeed, I have not," said Tooke, "he was a _Turkey Merchant_, (i. e. a _Poulterer_.)"

A JOE MUNDEN.

It being told the comedian, during his stay at Brighton, that Mrs. Coutts had offered five thousand pounds for _Byam-House_, Munden exclaimed, "My wigs and eyes! five thousand pounds to _buy-a-mouse_! What the devil will the woman do next?"

PARISIAN PUNS.

1. The Count de Sedan held that little state as a fief of the crown of France, of which he was in other respects a subject. Louis XIV. wishing to put his paw upon this domain, had the Count arrested and clapped into the Bastille, on a supposed charge of treason. The result was, that, in order to save his life, he gave up his possessions; on which the wits of Paris made this pun--"_Il donnoit Sedan_ (ses dents) _pour sauver sa tête_."

2. Madame de Stael has been much admired for her handsome figure, and particularly her fine arm, but unfortunately disfigured by her deformed foot. Being in a gallery at Paris, where there was an empty pedestal, vain of her person, she mounted, and placed herself in an attitude to display her figure to advantage; but unluckily one of her feet peeped out. A wit approached, and seeming to look only at the pedestal, exclaimed, "_O le vilain Pie-de-stal!_"

3. Mons. St. Priest, who had been ambassador from the court of France to the Ottoman _Porte_, was afterwards sent, in a diplomatic capacity, to the Hague; but on account of some ceremonial being neglected, he refused to enter the gates of that place. This gave occasion to the wits of Paris to observe, that he was still "_ambassadeur à la Porte_."

COMMERCIAL PUNS. FROM "TRAVELLER'S HALL," "_English Spy_."

"I don't see the _bee's wing_ in this port, Mr. Blackstrap, that you are _bouncing_ about," said a London traveller to a timber merchant. "No, sir," said the humourist, "it is not to _be_ seen until you are a _deal_ higher in _spirits_; the _film_ of the _wing_ is seldom discernible in such _mahogany_-coloured wine as this." "Sir, I blush like _rose-wood_ at your impertinence." "Ay, sir, and you'll soon be as _red_ as _logwood_, or as _black_ as _ebony_, if you will but do justice to the bottle," was the reply. "There is no being _cross-grained_ with you," said the timber-merchant. "Not unless you _cut_ me," retorted Blackstrap, "and you are not _sap_ enough for that." "Gentlemen," continued the facetious wine-merchant, "if we do not get a little fruit, I shall think we have not met with our _dessert_; and although there be some among us whose _principals_ are worth a _plum_, there are very few of their representatives, I suspect, who will offer any objections to my _reasons_."

A COCKNEY'S PUN.

A Londoner told his friend that he was going to Margate for a change of _h_air; "You had better," said the other, "go to the _wig-maker's shop_."

AN IRISH PUN. _The two Taymen._

About the time of the issue of the new crown-pieces, Messrs. Bish and Sparrow, the advertising tea-dealers, though strongly opposed to each other, for two of a trade never agree, set about, highly to their credit, a reformation in the price and quality of the "fragrant lymph." An old Irish woman, fond of a cup of "good mixed," thought, what much more sensible people do, that the above worthies were no less than _patriots_; but she even went further; on being asked by a neighbour the meaning round the edge of the coin of "Decus et Tutamen," said she, "By the powers I suppose Decus means the King, but Bish and Sparrow are the _Two Taymen_."

A SPORTING PUN. _Managing the Pack._

A country gentleman, who was celebrated for taking the lead with some of the first-rate hunts, became so much reduced in circumstances by his attachment to gaming, as to accept the office of _dealer_ at a gambling table. A friend (like Matthews's Dr. Prolix), with infinite promptitude, observed, "that he continued to follow his old predilection, for he still _managed the pack_."

"BULL'S" PUNS ON THE LATE PANIC AMONG THE BANKERS.

"In the city, while _Currie_ was _Raiking_ together his cash, Sir _John Lubbock Fostered_ his _Clarkes_; Sir _William Kay_ knew his _Price_; _Rogers_ felt _Toogood_ to smash; one house in Fleet-street _Praed_ to get through it; and while another chuckled like a _Child_, the _Goslings_ were looking _Sharp_ after their concerns--poor _Hodsoll_," added the dunce, "was obliged to give up his _Stirling capital_; but _Stevenson_ knew _his_ partner was worth his _Salt_; _Dorien_, _Magens_, and _Dorien_, got _Mello_ with rejoicing, and _Jansen_ was never near being 'done _Brown_;' _Paxton_ and _Cockerell_, according to culinary custom, sent their _Trail_ to take care of the _long-bills_; and though _Fry_ might have been in a _Stew_ for a time, he (like the _Smiths_ of Mansion House-street) soon had his _Payne_ removed.

"At the west end of the town, though _Scott Claude_ up his money at the moment, he soon began to pay again; _Kinnaird_ said he could _Ransom_ his credit whenever he chose; while the other house in Pall-mall declared they had _More-land_ than would settle the claims of all their creditors; and although _Marten_ expected a _Call_ on _Arnold_, they were equally steady with the house of _Cocks_ (part-_Ridges_) at Charing-cross, who crowed most lustily at their own stability; every body knows, said the wag, that _Green-wood_ never breaks, and as for _Thomas's_ in Henrietta-street, it was very soon ascertained that there, all was _Wright_."

A HARROW PUN.

Receiving a youth back who has been expelled for a misdemeanour, upon condition that he be severely flogged, appears to be a very odd mode of _healing the breech_.

A SOLDIER'S PUN.

The peculiar new mode of _drilling_ the soldiers in St. James's Park, ought, from the variety of their evolutions, to be termed _quadrilling_.

A PROFESSIONAL PUN.

Speaking of professions, there must be somebody _in every way_. "Ay," replied Taylor the flute player, "and there is a great number of folks in _one another's way_."

A MUSICAL PUN.

To make a competent double bass player, it requires a _head-piece_, while a _wind_ instrument performer wants only a _mouth-piece_ (_i. e._ a reed).

A BREAD AND MEAT PUN.

A needy adventurer coming to London, who was _very thin_, observed to S. Taylor, that he only wanted to pick up a _little bread_ among the musical profession; to which the joker replied, "If you can _pick up a little flesh_ at the same time, it will not be amiss."

A PUN UPON MY HONOR!

A person who was addicted to "pledge his _honor_" upon all occasions, observed, on looking through the window, "It _rains, upon my honor_." "Yes," said Taylor, "_and it will rain upon_ MY honor if I go out."

CLASSICAL PUN.

"Do you know," said an Oxonian to his friend, "why an acre of land bought on a stipulation to pay the purchase-money a year hence, resembles an ancient lyric song? Because it is _An-acre-on-tick_."

A WARM PUN.

"You are never witty," said a friend, "until you are _well warmed_ with _wine_." "That may be," replied the punster: "but it is no reason, good sir, that I am to be _well-roasted_."

THE EXCISE-OFFICE _v._ THE STAMP-OFFICE.

Foster, the oboe player, of Drury Lane Theatre (and who also belonged to the Excise Office) happened one day, at a rehearsal, to be playing rout of time. Shaw, the leader, began to _stamp_ violently, and said, "Why don't you play in better time, you member of the Excise Office?" Upon which Foster replied, "None of your jeers to members of the _Excise Office_: you seem to be a member of the _Stamp_ Office yourself."

HARPING UPON A FIGURE.

A professional harpist (who was a very incompetent performer), one night at Drury Lane Theatre, boasted of the elegant figure upon the head of his harp; observing that it cost him eight guineas the _cutting_ of it. Foster immediately exclaimed, "Sir, if I play'd upon the harp, I would endeavour to _cut a figure_ myself."

A PUNSTER'S REQUISITES FOR AN M.P.