Part 6

On a motion to dissolve the injunction obtained against that useful work the Lancet, the Lord Chancellor sent it to the Vice, and "hoped there would be no more _bleeding_," to which Mr. Hart replied, not much, as there was _only one operator_ retained by each side. Ay, but, said his lordship, they may stick to their _patient_ like a Leach.

R.B. SHERIDAN AND THE PRINCE OF WALES, OR ONE SWALLOW DOES NOT MAKE A SUMMER.

One wintry day, the Prince of Wales went into the Thatched House Tavern, and ordered a steak: "But (said his Royal Highness), I am devilish cold, bring me a glass of hot brandy and water." He swallowed it, another, and another. "Now, (said he) I am comfortable, bring my steak." On which Mr. Sheridan took out his pencil, and wrote the following impromptu:--

The Prince came in, said it was cold, Then put to his head the rummer; Till _swallow_ after _swallow_ came, When he pronounced it _summer_.

CHARLES BANNISTER.

Charles meeting a thief-taker with a man in his custody, and asking his offence, was told he had stolen a _bridle_. "Then (said Charles) he wanted _to touch the bit_."

WILBERFORCE AND SHERIDAN ON DRINKING.

That very sober _pious_ personage, Mr. Wilberforce, reproved his friend Sheridan thus: "My good Sir, (said he) you have _drunk_ a _little_ too _much_." "Have I? (hiccupped the other) and you, my good Sir, have _drunk much_ too _little_."

THE FACETIOUS CALEB WHITFOORD.

The late Caleb Whitfoord, seeing a lady knotting fringe for a petticoat, asked her, what she was doing? "Knotting, Sir, (replied she;) pray Mr. Whitfoord, can you knot?" He answered, "_I can-not_."

JUDGE JEFFERIES BEARDED.

The judge told an old man with a _long beard_, who was being examined as a witness, that he "supposed he had a _conscience as long as his beard_." If, replied the old man, we were all to be _judged_ of by _that rule_, your lordship would be deemed a most _unconscionable judge_[20].

[20] Jefferies had no beard.

LORD CHESTERFIELD AND LORD TYRAWLEY.

"_Sic sine Morte Mori_," was given by some wag as a toast, when Lord Chesterfield and Lord Tyrawley were both present, at a very advanced age, when Lord Chesterfield said, "Tyrawley and I have been _dead_ these two years; but we don't choose to have it known."

SAM FOOTE ON PLAYING TOO HIGH.

A German baron at a gaming-house, being detected in an _odd trick_, one of the players fairly threw him out of the one pair of stairs window. On this outrage he took the advice of Foote, who told him "never play _so high again_."

FELIX M'CARTHY.

Felix M'Carthy passing through Clement's Inn, and receiving abuse from some impudent clerks, was advised to complain to the Principal, which he did thus: "I have been abused here by some of the _rascals_ of this inn, and I come to acquaint you of it, as I understand you are the _Principal_."

TIERNEY _v._ FOX.

Mr. Fox, in the course of a speech, said, "If any thing on my part, or on the part of those with whom I acted, was an obstruction to peace, I could not lie on my pillow with ease." George Tierney (then in administration) whispered to his neighbour, "If he could not _lie_ on his pillow with ease, he can _lie_ in this house with ease."

LEE LEWIS ON THE GAME LAWS.

Lee Lewis shooting in a field, the proprietor attacked him: "I allow no person (said he) to _kill game_ on my manor but myself; and I'll _shoot you_, if I find you here again." "What! (said the comedian) do you mean _to make game of me_?"

CALEB WHITFOORD AND HIS NEPHEW.

The late Caleb Whitfoord, finding his nephew, Charles Smith, playing the violin, the following bits took place:

_W._ I fear, Charles, you _lose_ a great deal of _time_ with this fiddling.

_S._ Sir, I endeavour to _keep time_.

_W._ You mean rather _to kill time_.

_S._ No, I only _beat time_.

JOHN KEMBLE MURDERING TIME.

When Kemble was rehearsing the romance sung by _Richard Cœur de Lion_, Shaw, the leader of the band, called out from the orchestra, "Mr. Kemble, my dear Mr. Kemble, you are _murdering time_." Kemble, calmly and coolly taking a pinch of snuff, said, "My dear Sir, it is better for me to murder Time at once than be continually _beating_ him as you do."

SHERIDAN ON LOVE FOR LOVE.

Sheridan complained that Congreve's "_Love for Love_," had been so much altered and modified to suit the delicate ears of modern mawkishness, that it was quite spoiled. It is now (said he) like modern marriages, with very little of "_Love for Love_" in it. "His plays," said the wit, "are, I own, somewhat licentious, but it is barbarous to mangle them: they are like horses; when you deprive them of their vice, they lose their vigour."

THE MORNING POST ON PREFERMENT.

An auctioneer having turned publican, was soon after thrown into the King's Bench; on which the following paragraph appeared in the Morning Post: "Mr. A., who lately quitted the _pulpit_ for the _bar_, has been promoted to the _bench_."

SIR J. PARNELL

Became a general _toast_ in Ireland after the Union, by which he lost his place, or, as he once said, "his bread and butter." When lamenting his loss, he was told, "Ah! but it's amply made up to you in _toast_."

HORACE TWISS, M.P. _A special Pun._

Mr. Twiss being one evening in the boxes of Covent Garden theatre, to see Macbeth: when the hero questions the witches what they are doing, they answer, "a deed without a name." Our counsellor, whose attention was at that moment directed more to Coke upon Littleton than Shakspeare, catching, however, the actor's words, repeated, "A _deed_ without a _name_! why, 'tis _void_."

RALPH WEWITZER.

The comedian meeting a young friend, observed how well he looked. "Ay, (says the other) I have a rare good appetite, and I take care that it be well satisfied; in the first place, every morning I eat a _great deal_ to breakfast." "Then (observes the former) I presume you breakfast in a _timber-yard_."

JOHN BANNISTER NO SHOOTER.

A few years ago, it will be remembered, that Mr. John Bannister nearly lost his arm by the bursting of a fowling-piece. Shortly after he observed to a friend, "I may be an actor, but I will not attempt to be a _Shooter_."

LORD NELSON'S ARMS.

The master of the Wrestler's Inn, at Yarmouth, having solicited Lord Nelson to permit him to put up his _arms_, and change the _name_ of the inn to _The Nelson Hotel_; his lordship returned for answer, that he was perfectly welcome to his _name_, but he must be sensible that he had no _arms_ to spare.

SOME OF CURRAN'S BEST.

A severe Irish judge, being at dinner among an assemblage of lawyers, Mr. Curran asked his lordship, if he should have the pleasure of helping him to a slice of pickled tongue which stood before him. "If it were _hung_ (said his lordship), I would try it." "If _you_ were to _try_ it (replied Curran), it would be sure to be _hung_."

CURRAN'S COVENTRY JOKE.

On some one proposing to send an Irish barrister to "_Coventry_" for refusing to fight a duel, "Sure," said the wit, "that is carrying the joke a little _too far_."

CAPITAL JOKES.

While a counsellor was pleading at the Irish bar, a louse unluckily peeped from under his wig. Curran, who sat next to him, whispered what he saw. "You joke," said the barrister. "If (replied Mr. Curran) you have many such _jokes_ in your head, the sooner you _crack_ them the better."

ON DISCIPLINE.

MacNally was very lame, and when walking, he had an unfortunate limp. At the time of the Rebellion he was seized with a military ardour, and when the different volunteer corps were forming in Dublin, that of the lawyers was organized. Meeting with Curran, MacNally said, "My dear friend, these are not times for a man to be idle; I am determined to enter the Lawyers' Corps, and follow the camp." "You follow the camp, my little limb of the law!" said the wit, "tut, tut, renounce the idea; you never can be a disciplinarian." "And why not, Mr. Curran?" said MacNally. "For this reason," said Curran, "the moment you were ordered to march you would _halt_."

LORD NORTH'S PUN CLASSICAL.

A gentleman told Lord North, that from a variety of losses, he had found himself compelled to reduce his establishment. "And what (said his lordship) have you done with the fine mare you used to ride?" "I have sold her." "Then you have not attended to Horace's maxim:

'Equam _memento rebus in arduis Servare_.'"

MANNERS EARL OF RUTLAND.

Manners Earl of Rutland meeting Sir Thomas More, shortly after their mutual preferment, and thinking he assumed rather a haughty carriage, observed, "_Honores mutant Mores_." "No, my lord (said Sir Thomas), the pun will be much better in English, _Honors change Manners_."

LORD BYRON TO ROGERS ON PUNNING.

Lord Byron observed to Rogers, that punning was the lowest species of wit. "True (said the other), it is the _foundation_."

THE ARCH-BISHOP AND HIS ARCH-CURATE. _Pun beneficial._

Sir William Dawes, archbishop of York, delighted in a good pun. His clergy dining with him the first time after the decease of his lady, he said he feared the company would not find things in so good order as they were in the time of poor _Mary_, adding with a sigh, "Ah! she was indeed _Mare Pacificum_." A curate, who pretty well knew the truth of the matter, got himself completely into favour by observing, "Ay, my lord, but she was first _Mare Mortuum_."

DR. GOLDSMITH AND SIR JOSHUA REYNOLDS. _A pun spoiled._

At a dinner of wits, a dish of pease was brought in, become almost grey with age. "Carry these pease to Kensington!" said one of the party. "Why to Kensington?" said another. "Because it's the way to _Turn'em green_." Dr. Goldsmith going home in the evening with Sir Joshua Reynolds, observed, that he would have given five pounds to make so excellent a pun. "You shall have the opportunity (said the knight) on Tuesday, when you are to dine with me, and none of the same company will be present." Tuesday came, and the dinner was served up; amongst the other dishes a plate of pease of the same description. "Carry these peas to Kensington," said Goldie. "Why so?" "Because it's the way to _make them green_!"

DR. BROWN'S TOAST.

Dr. B. long but unsuccessfully paid his addresses to a young lady, whom he used always to give as a toast. Dining one day with a friend, the latter filling his glass, said, "Come, doctor, I'll give you your favourite _toast_." He answered, "You may do as you please; but for myself, I have already _toasted_ her too long without being able to make her _Brown_."

R. PEAKE TO R. MARTIN, M.P.

"Sir," said the humane M.P. to the facetious dramatist (praising his own bill), "instead of the drovers inhumanly beating the poor bastes as formerly, you will shortly see them applying _opodeldoc_ to their wounds." "Ay;" rejoined the punster, "_Steer's_ of _Cow_-lane."

R. PEAKE AND WINSTON.

The punster, having occasion to call upon the stage manager of Drury Lane, was shown into his room, when the servant remarked, "he feared Mr. Winston had left the theatre." Peake observing a stage _screw_ lying upon the table before him, took it up and replied, "I perceive he has left his card and _name_ behind him."

ARNOLD AND PEAKE.

A person observing that Mr. Arnold, the proprietor of the English Opera, was an _ill-tempered_ man, but a _fortunate_ one, Charles Westmacott replied, "he knew that to be true, for he was indebted for both his _cash_ and _success_ to _pique_." (Peake his dramatist and treasurer.)

PEAKE'S "STOUT MAN"

Appeared originally during the oppressive heat of the season 1825, at the English Opera House: when Arnold observing that the piece did not _run_ according to his expectations, Peake dryly replied, "How can you expect a _stout man to run in such very hot weather_?"

CHARLES BANNISTER AND PARSONS.

The late Mr. Charles Bannister going with Mr. Parsons into a shop where there was an _electric eel_, the latter said, "Charles, what sort of a pie would that eel make?" He answered, "A _shock-ing one_."

THE RIGHT HON. G. CANNING ON RESOURCES.

Mr. Canning seeing a certain nobleman rowing a wherry on the Thames, with all the power and skill of a waterman, observed, "Your grace is certainly prepared for the worst extremities, for by your _skull_ you could always keep your _head above water_."

BEN JONSON AND THE COUNTRYMAN. _Simplicity_ v. _Wit_.

A country booby boasting of the numerous acres he enjoyed, Ben Jonson peevishly told him, "For every acre you have of land, I have an acre of wit." The other, filling his glass, said, "My service to you, Mr. _Wise-acre_!"

DENNIS THE PUNSTER. _Tria juncta in uno._

Mr. Dennis, a gentleman who died about 1764, and was famous for his puns, was once ridiculed for it in a copy of verses by three gentlemen, whose names were Goodwin, Johnstone, and Marshall; he answered them in the following manner: "If _Good_ be the better half of thy name, it is so little in thy nature as not to be perceived, though in conjunction with thy friend _John_, thou hast helped to make such a noble copy of verses that they ought to be engraven on _stone_. I would have given steel the preference, if a certain person did not _Mar_ your works, so _shall_ say no more of the matter."

W. R. V.-ANA.

THE CONVERSATIONAL PUNSTER.

"A fellow of infinite jest, of most excellent fancy."

[There are very few literary persons in London, at least among those connected with the public press, who have not occasionally enjoyed the pleasant, _punning_, conversational powers of my friend W. R. V. whose whim, wit, and great good nature are not more esteemed, than his unaffected manners, and sincerity of disposition justly entitle him to.]

Some one observed, "_Matches_ are made in Heaven." "Yes," answered he, "and they are very often _dipped_ in the other place."

Two men contending at a tavern upon the point of who wrote that beautiful song on Ingratitude, "Blow, blow, thou wintry wind!" one said Ben Jonson; the other said Shakspeare. R.V. to adjust their differences, observed, "They must have written it between them, for each was _a-verse_ to ingratitude."

A fat gentleman who was at a loss for the name of the nobleman who was shut up in a tower and starved to death, applied to the punster--"_You-go-lean-O!_" was the reply.

"A tailor is the _ninth part_ of a man," observed a would-be-wit, in the presence of a knight of the sheers: "But," answered R.V. "a fool's _no part_ at all."

"He that will pun will pick a pocket," observed an old cynic. "You speak from _experience_," was the _stopper_ to this _vinegar cruet_.

Rhodes, the punning landlord of the Coal Hole tavern, took the Bell Inn at Hammersmith: R.V. hoped that as he had so long answered the _bell_, the _Bell_ would now _answer_ him.

One asked him what works he had in the press. "Why, the History of the Bank, with _notes_; the Art of Cookery, with _plates_; and the Science of Single Stick, with _wood cuts_."

A person told him that Louis dix-huit, when he entered London, put up at Grillon's hotel. "I am surprised at that," said he; "his father took his _chop_ at _Hatchett's_."

A barber recommended him his aromatic essence for the improvement of his hair. "No, no; don't waste your fragrance on the _desert hair_."

A friend remarked of a gentleman with very large curly whiskers, that he said nothing. "Poor fellow; don't you see he's _lock-jawed_?"

"How well you put on your cravat," said a crony: "that _tie_'s something new."--"Yes; it's a _novel-tie_."

He pacified a quarrelsome fellow one evening by observing, "I should not like to go up in a balloon with you, for fear of our _falling out_."

Seeing a porter bring in an edition of a new work of his from the press to his bookseller, "Dear me!" he exclaimed, "what a _weight is off my mind_."

"What a swell you are in your new frock coat," said a quiz to him one day. "Don't you like it?--I do: indeed I'm quite _wrapped up in it_."

The same person meeting him one day in the city, observing he had on a new waistcoat, asked if it was a _city cut_. "No," answered he, "it's a _west-cut_."

Dining at the Wrekin tavern, he asked for a wine glass: the waiter, in bringing it, inadvertently let it fall--"Zounds! I did not ask you for a _tumbler_!"

Sitting in company with one of those people who find fault with every thing, good, bad, or indifferent, he could not refrain from quizzing the old fellow. "True, true; we have nothing _new_ or _good_ now-a-days: Waterloo bridge is a _catchpenny_, Herschell's telescope _all my eye_, the steam engine _a bottle of smoke_, and the safety-coach _a complete take in_."

Bearcroft the classic observed to him, that learning was _pabulum animi_, food of the mind. "Yes," replied he, "and that's the reason, I suppose, the collegians wear _trencher_ caps."

On George the Fourth landing at Calais in 1820, the wind was so boisterous as to blow off his foraging cap, greatly inconveniencing him: a brave officer, Captain Jones of the Brunswicks, who stood near, presented His Majesty with his own, which the King graciously accepted, and wore until he got to his carriage. This drew from him the following impromptu:

"Whether in peace or war, If hostile dangers frown, It is the soldier's care To guard his Monarch's _crown_."

He blamed a friend for dedicating a very clever work to a certain nobleman, notorious for his stupidity. "My book wanted a _title_," was the reply. "Oh!" he observed, "but it might otherwise have been _peer-less_."

On Sir Robert Wilson's motion for investigating the affair that deprived him of his rank as General being lost, he lamented it as very hard that they should refuse him "_even a major-ity_."

Being proposed a member of the Phœnix Club, he asked when they met:--"Every Saturday evening during the winter."--"Then," said he, "I shall never make a Phœnix, for "_I can't rise from the fire_."

NORBURYANA[21];

CONTAINING

A RICH SELECTION OF LORD NORBURY'S _BEST PUNS_,

Pure as Imported.

THE PUNNING LAWYERS.

The counsel archly crack their joke On every word the witness spoke; The Jury, laughing, like the fun, And Norbury sums up with a _Pun_.

[21] Many of these whims have never before appeared in print.

A good _Pun_ has, from time immemorial, been quite as admissible in our courts of law, as a good _plea_; and not unusually has proved successful with the feelings of a jury, when the latter, left entirely to the more weighty arguments of _precedents_ and _rejoinder_, would only have produced a temporary suspension of the understanding. Lord Norbury's talent as a punster is proverbial, and his wit upon all occasions as clear as his judgments are sound: scarcely a packet of Irish papers arrive in the sister kingdom, but the first inquiry of the humourist is after the last _good thing_ of the Chief Justice's; and, if he fails to encounter a _new pun_, he retreats homewards like a city sportsman, without _game_ for the morrow; for _pun-less_, he is quite as miserable as if he was _penny-less_; and if he cannot _crack_ a new joke at the club, he is like to go _cracked_ himself with vexation in consequence.

It is one of the evils attending eminence in any art, that many loose performances will be attributed to genius, for the sake of notoriety, which would cause a blush upon the cheek of the talented individual under whose cognomen they are surreptitiously launched forth into public life. Every new pun, made by the Emeralders, whether invented in the _Four Courts_ of Dublin, or at the midnight orgies held in the _broad_ and _narrow Courts_ of London, at the Fives _Court_ or the Tennis _Court_, the King's _Court_, or the _Courts_ of law and equity, are all heaped upon the _great original_, Lord Norbury; who has, in consequence, as many _sins_ of this sort to bear with, as any _criminal_ that ever appeared before his legal tribunal. In selecting from an accredited stock, the compiler of this little book has endeavoured to affix to the _Noble Punster_, only, the _legitimate offspring_ of his _own_ creation; or at least such, if any one has stolen in, as may not disgrace his witty family.

LORD NORBURY'S MOTTO

Is, "_Right can never die_;" then, said his lordship, punning thereon, "_right_ must be _left_ for ever."

AN AMOROUS PUN.

"Who is that lovely girl?" exclaimed Lord Norbury, riding in company with his friend Counsellor Grahaarty. "Miss Glass," replied the barrister. "_Glass!_" reiterated the facetious judge; "by the love which man bears to woman, I should often become intoxicated, could I press such a _glass to my lips_!"

THE JOKER'S RETORT.

The numerous and severe animadversions on Lord Norbury in the Imperial Parliament, only afforded his Lordship an opportunity for a supplemental criticism, viz. "That the English Broom (Brougham) wanted an _Irish stick_ to it;" an appendage which, in the early part of his Lordship's career, he certainly would have been very ready to furnish.

PENCILING WITH A PICKAXE.

The late Counsellor Egan, well known by the appellation of _Bully Egan_, from his rough courage, got into the Irish parliament during the administration of the late Marquis of Rockingham, and joined with the Whigs of that day in a most outrageous opposition to the administration of the noble Marquis, upon the question of regency, when the opposition succeeded in voting the unlimited regency of Ireland to the Prince of Wales. The Marquis, unable to rally, fled to England without beat of drum, leaving the oppositionists masters of the political field. Not content with this retreat, the Whigs continued to pelt the character of the noble Marquis, by way of _post obit_, and to heap all those maledictions upon his administration, when defunct, which they had so indefatigably done while living. Amongst the rest, Mr. Egan, in the course of a debate, thought proper to introduce in his speech an episode, in which he proposed, "Now that the Marquis was politically dead, to _pencil_ his epitaph;" and this he did in such coarse and ponderous words, that Mr. Toler, the present Lord Norbury, in his reply, termed this effort of Egan, _penciling with a pickaxe_.

TIME AND ETERNITY.

On passing sentence of death upon a prisoner who had been convicted of privately stealing a _time piece_, Lord Norbury, after dwelling upon the enormity of his crime, concluded a very impressive speech by observing, that he had been _grasping_ at _time_, and caught _eternity_.

THE CANAL AND LOCKS.

Meeting with a lady in Dublin who was possessed of considerable property in a distant part of the country, and in whose welfare he had taken great interest, particularly during the progress of a bill through parliament for draining her lands, he accosted her, "Ah, my dear Mrs G----, how d'ye do?--how goes on your _water ways_?--I must come and take a view of your little _canal_ and _locks_."

DROPPING THE SUBJECT.

A man having been capitally convicted before Lord Norbury, was, as usual, asked what he had to say why judgment of death should not pass against him--"Say!" replied he, "why, I think the joke has been carried far enough already, and the less that is said about it the better; so if you please, my lord, we'll drop the subject." "The _subject_ may _drop_," replied his lordship.

JAM SATIS.

A gentleman helping his Lordship to some pie made of raspberry jam, inquired if he would have some more fruit? "_Jam satis_," replied the punster.

THE CRITICS CURTAILED.

"Lord Byron calls his abusers _dogs_," said a friend to Lord Norbury; "No doubt he wishes them and their censures _cur-tailed_," was the reply.

SHAKE-SPEARE.

Riding one day with a friend of the name of Speare, whose horse appeared to jolt him very much, his Lordship could not help observing it. "He is young, and awkward in his paces, but may mend," said Speare. "By the bye, my Lord, I want a name for him." "It must be _Shake-speare_, then," retorted his Lordship.

KING AND JAMES, THE DUBLIN LORD MAYORS.