Part 5

The English are noted for punning on people's names, in allusion to their talent or profession.--Grimaldi was called, from his "grim faces," _Grim-all-day_; Macready, from his quick study, "_Make ready_;" Young, from his youthful appearance, "the _young_ actor;" Kean, from his new readings, "the _keen_ actor;" Sinclair, from his beautiful voice, "Mr. _Sing clear_;" Miss Tree, the lovely vocalist, "_the Mystery_," &c. &c. &c.: innumerable are the instances in the _political_ world, but _quant. suff_. Perhaps one of the most laughable of the present day is the pun upon Mr. Thomas Bish, the stockbroker's name; he was then at the head of one of the most respectable tea-dealing establishments in London. His friends sunk his Christian name, excepting the first letter, and jocosely called him Mr. _Tea_ Bish: perhaps the joke was borrowed from an epigram on Mr. Twining, the tea-dealer, viz.

"How curiously names with professions agree, For Twining would be _wining_, dispossess'd of his T."

But we shall favour the reader with a few of the best modern examples.

OF PUNNING ON SURNAMES.

Men once were surnamed from their shape or estate, (You all may from history worm it:) There was Lewis the Bulky, and Henry the Great, John Lackland, and Peter the Hermit. But now, when the door-plates of misters and dames Are read, each so constantly varies From the owner's trade, figure, and calling, surnames Seem given by the rule of contraries.

Mr. Fox, though provoked, never doubles his fist, Mr. Burns in his grate has no fuel, Mr. Playfair won't catch me at hazard or whist, Mr. Coward was wing'd in a duel. Mr. Wise is a dunce, Mr. King is a Whig, Mr. Coffin's uncommonly sprightly, And huge Mr. Little broke down in a gig While driving fat Mrs. Golightly.

Mrs. Drinkwater's apt to indulge in a dram, Mrs. Angel's an absolute fury, And meek Mr. Lyon let fierce Mr. Lamb Tweak his nose in the lobby of Drury. At Bath, where the feeble go more than the stout, (A conduct well worthy of Nero,) Over poor Mr. Lightfoot, confined with the gout, Mr. Heaviside danced a Bolero.

Miss Joy, wretched maid, when she chose Mr. Love, Found nothing but sorrow await her: She now holds in wedlock, as true as a dove, That fondest of mates, Mr. Hayter. Mr. Oldcastle dwells in a modern-built hut, Miss Sage is of madcaps the archest; Of all the queer bachelors Cupid e'er cut, Old Mr. Younghusband's the starchest.

Mr. Child, in a passion, knock'd down Mr. Rock, Mr. Stone like an aspen-leaf shivers, Miss Poole used to dance, but she stands like a stock Ever since she became Mrs. Rivers. Mr. Swift hobbles onward, no mortal knows how, He moves as though cords had entwined him; Mr. Metcalfe ran off, upon meeting a cow, With pale Mr. Turnbull behind him.

Mr. Barker's as mute as a fish in the sea, Mr. Miles never moves on a journey, Mr. Gotobed sits up till half-after-three, Mr. Makepiece was bred an attorney. Mr. Gardner can't tell a flower from a root, Mr. Wilde with timidity draws back; Mr. Ryder performs all his journeys on foot, Mr. Foote all his journeys on horseback.

Mr. Penny, whose father was rolling in wealth, Kick'd down all the fortune his dad won, Large Mr. Le Fever's the picture of health, Mr. Goodenough is but a bad one. Mr. Cruickshank stept into three thousand a-year By showing his leg to an heiress:-- Now I hope you'll acknowledge I've made it quite clear Surnames ever go by contraries.

_New Monthly Magazine._

AN EPITAPH,

OR

PUNNING RUN MAD.

Here lies old John Magee, late the landlord at the Sun, He never had an _ail_, unless when all his _ale_ was done: The Sun was on the sign, tho' what sign his sun was on, No studier of the Zodiac could ever hit upon. Some said it was Aquarius, so queerious he'd get; But he declared no _soda-hack_ should ever share his _whet_. His burnish'd sun was sol-o, soul-heart'ning was his cheer, And quaffing of good _porter_ long kept him from his _bier_. As draughtsman he'd no equal, his drawings were so good, And many a noble draught has he taken from the _wood_,-- Rare _spirited_ productions, with tasty views near _Cork_; And then he had a _score_ or two _rum_ characters in _chalk_. Above the mantel-taillee his tally it was nail'd, And though he had lost one eyesight, his _hop-ticks_ never fail'd. Good ale and cider _sold here_, oft made the _soldier_ halt, And sailor Jack, his sail aback, would hoist aboard his malt; Most cordially he'd pour out a cordial for the fair, Whose peeper meant to ogle the peppermint so rare; While buxom Jean would toss off the juniper so gay, And swear it was both sweet and nice as any _shrub_ in May. At last John took to drinking, and drank till drunk with drink; His stuffing he would stuff in till stuff began to shrink; Tho' mistress shook her hand high, he suck'd the sugar-candy, And often closed his brand eye by tippling of the brandy. His servants always firking, his firkins ran so fast, And staggering round his bar-rails, his barrels breathed their last; And when he treated _all hands_ his _Hollands_ ran away, Nor reap'd he fruit from _any seed_ for _aniseed_ to pay. And though he drank the bitters, his bitters still increas'd, He puff'd the more _parfait au cœur_ till all his efforts ceas'd. The storm, alas! was brewing, the brewer drew his till, And Mrs. Figg, for 'bacca, to back her brought her bill. Distillers still'd his spirits, but couldn't still his mind; He told the bailiff he would try a bail if he could find; But fumbling round the tap-room, Death tapp'd him on the head, So here he lies quite flat and stale, because, d'ye see, he's dead.

_Literary Gazette._

BENJAMIN BASHFUL

ON

THE VICE OF PUNNING.

THE PUNSTER'S FOE.

Who's he, that from our board is running? He, Sir's an enemy to punning, A bashful foe, who loves not wit-- Ergo, because he's none of it Within his cranium; and at table Sits like the fox in Æsop's fable, Watching the grapes he'd fain devour, And disappointed, calls them sour. A laugh would decompose his metal, And like a dog, with a tin kettle Dangling at his tail, he runs From witty wags who deal in puns.

TO BERNARD BLACKMANTLE, ESQ.

Sir,

It has just been communicated to me, that you are about to collect and publish a Punster's Pocket-Book, for the express purpose of promoting that _pernicious vice_, which is already much too prevalent. As an antidote to the evil, I hope you will _not fail_ to insert this my special protest.

B. BASHFUL.

I am a bashful young man of good fortune, who, to use the phrase of the mode, have just _come out_, and made my _entré_ into the world with the reputation of being a gentleman and a scholar. I could wish you to notice a minor evil in society which tends to poison the springs of taste and knowledge, by bringing forward the flippant, and throwing back the reflective, speaker. I allude to the vice of punning, which tends to destroy all the profit and pleasure of conversation, and embarrass, in the greatest degree, the young and inexperienced.

It is my fate to mix with a circle of fashionable _dilettanti_, each of them capable of sustaining a part in rational discourse, and of conducting the intellectual conflict with some share of vigour and learning; who, nevertheless, meet together to fritter away time, patience, and attention, with a series of unconnected quibbles and conundrums. Instead of the rich web of fancy, glowing with the vivid creations of lively, intelligent minds, the conversation presents a motley intermixture of shreds of wit and patches of conceit, a chequer-work of incongruities, the very orts and scraps of the "Feast of Reason," the dozings of science, and dregs of literature. If I relate to this group of punsters the most affecting circumstance, I am heard with impatience and inattention, till I chance unwittingly to utter a word susceptible of a double or triple interpretation. The mischievous spark of folly immediately ignites, the moral interest of my tale is undermined, and a loud report of laughter announces the explosion. The genius of orthography frowns in vain: puns are, by the law of custom, entitled to claim entrance into the sensorium either by the eye or the ear: but when a pseudo pun ("for indeed there are counterfeits abroad") is perceptible to neither sense--when read, its wit is not discoverable; and when heard, it cannot be understood: to avoid the horror of an explanation, I find myself obliged to perjure my senses by laughing in ignorance and very sadness, and thus contribute a sanction to the practice I would fain abolish. The evil is subversive of the first principle of society. Is it little to hunger for the bread of wisdom, and to be fed with the husks of folly? Is it little to thirst for the Castalian fount, and see its waters idly wasted in sport or malice? Is it little to seek for the interchange of souls, and find only the reciprocity of nonsense?

P.S. By BERNARD BLACKMANTLE.

To which complaint, I add this note And sketch, by way of antidote, The glorious art can life enhance, A Pun will cause a Bear to dance, And as we here have proof,--provoke A bashful man to stand a joke.

EXAMPLES IN PUNNING,

BY

ROYAL, NOBLE, AND EMINENT PERSONS.

THE PUNSTER'S BOWL.

The sovereign medicine of life, The antidote to care and strife-- Is friendship, and the cheerful bowl, When humour meets a kindred soul: Then flows the epigram, and pun, From starry eve, to morning's sun; And Laughter, "holding both his sides," The rubs and jeers of life derides. Then honest hearts, elate with glee, Forget the world, and black _ennui_; For nought like punch, and puns, can drown, The supercilious rich man's frown, Or free the heart, a prey to care, From fortune's ills and fell despair.

Bernard Blackmantle.

EXAMPLES IN PUNNING.

"The seeds of punning are in the minds of all men." _Addison, Spectator, No. 61._

ROYAL PUNS.

RIGHT DIVINE.

Among the few highly favoured individuals who were included in the select evening parties of his present Majesty, George the Fourth, while at the Pavilion, Brighton, was the facetious Reverend J. Wright. On one occasion the king suggested to his brother, the Duke of York, some intention he had of doing a particular act, to which the duke dissented, and his Majesty referred to the D.D. on which the reverend jocularly observed, "The king can do no wrong." Then, said his Majesty, "Fred. I shall pursue my object, for you hear I have '_Wright Divine_' on my side."

COOKE AND KITCHEN.

Sir George C., better known as Col. C., was said to have had an intrigue with a Mrs. Kitchen. When the king was told of it, he said, "It was very natural that a Cooke should be fond of _Kitchen stuff_, but if he meddles with the _Coles_ he will get out of the frying-pan into the fire." The _Coles_ were cousins to the lady.

A DOWN HILL PUN.

Sir George Hill, the vice-treasurer of Ireland, and a near relative to the Londonderry family, was among the visitors at the Pavilion. Dr. Tierney remarked, that Sir George was getting old and feeble--"If I mistake not," replied the king, "he is going _down hill_ very rapidly."

"Hume and Croker had a sharp contest last night," said the Earl of Liverpool to his Majesty, "but it ended in _smoke_." "I don't wonder at that," replied the monarch; "The _Fire_ of _Croker_ was sure to _smoke_ like Irish _turf_ beneath the weight of Scotch _Hume-i-dity_."

Sir Edmund Nagle said he wondered that the king of France did not feel offended at the _squibs_ let off against him in the English newspapers. "Pshaw!" said the king, "he would be a fool indeed to be frightened at a _squib_ in London, when at Paris he is sitting on a _barrel of gunpowder_."

LORD ELDON'S PUNNING JEU D'ESPRIT.

In an application to his Lordship for an injunction to restrain the proprietors of the "Gazette of Fashion" from selling the song of "We're a' Noddin," the Chancellor perceiving the trifling nature of the cause, after hearing the defendant, observed, "I will dismiss both parties, by granting an injunction against _Cease your Funning_."

LORD STOWELL,

On a recent occasion, having taken his seat in the Admiralty Court, inquired separately of the advocates, if they had any motion to _move_; and being answered in the _negative_, the judge very good humouredly replied, "Then, gentlemen, the best thing we can do will be to _move ourselves_."

GEORGE CANNING AND EARL BATHURST. _Kicking the Bucket._

As the Earl Bathurst and George Canning were walking along Pall Mall, the Earl struck his foot, by accident, against a small pail, (which some careless servant had left at the door), and turned it over; "Why, your lordship has _kicked the bucket_," said the facetious orator; "No, not so bad as that, George," replied the witty earl, "I've only _turned a little pale_ (i. e. _pail_)."

LORD ERSKINE.

Few persons ever enjoyed a greater facility of punning upon the ancient languages than his lordship. For instance, on one of the articles of his breakfast apparatus, Lord E. had inscribed _Tu doces_, literally _Thou--Tea--Chest_.

THE DUKE OF WELLINGTON IN ACTION.

"Your Grace speaks without _reason_, and too much in a _passion_," said a Spanish brunette to whom he had made a _proposal_, and was _pressing_ it somewhat _close_. "Ah! my dear little angel," said the great captain, "_reason_ has nothing to do with _love_; and _passion_ is very desirable when we are on the point of _entering_ into _immediate action_."

TURN IN AND TURN OUT.

A noble lord who was aide-de-camp to the Duke of Wellington, visited the Duke early on the morning of the battle of Salamanca, and perceiving him lying on a very small camp bedstead, observed that his Grace "had not room to _turn_ himself." The Duke immediately replied, "When you have lived as long as I have, you will know that when a man thinks of _turning in_ his bed, it is time he should _turn out_ of it."

THE DUCHESS OF DEVONSHIRE

Being told that a great public defaulter had married his _kept-mistress_, observed, "That fellow is always _robbing the public_."

ROGERS ON TASTE.

When the Marquis of Hertford opened his splendid hotel in Piccadilly, Mrs. Coutts was one of the visitors present--much to the annoyance of certain of our fair nobility. In reply to an observation of _hers_, upon the splendour and magnificence of the furniture and decorations, Rogers archly remarked, that, "besides splendour, there was so much good taste in the _ornaments_ and _society_--every thing in the rooms was so _chaste_ and _delicate_."

LADY HAMILTON.

The beautiful Lady Hamilton having at her table given "Mr. Abraham Goldsmidt" as a toast, and Lord Nelson only half filling his glass, she cried, "Come, come, my Lord, you must not _sham Abraham_."

JACK BANNISTER AND THE GOUT.

A friend consoling with the comedian during a severe attack of the _gout_, observed, that the disease _prolonged life_, and added, "Any body might take a _lease_ of _yours_." "Then it must be," quoth Jack writhing with pain, "at a _rack rent_."

HOSPITALITY.

Jack Bannister, praising the hospitalities of the Irish, after his return from a trip to the sister kingdom, was asked if he had ever been at _Cork_? "No," replied the wit, "but I have seen a great many _drawings_ of it."

LUTTRELL AND ROGERS.

Luttrell and Sam Rogers met together at the Chinese Saloon the other day. "This must be a famous speculation," said Sam; "I think the proprietor of the _Anatomie Vivante_ should take his motto from my favourite epistle in Horace--

'Annonæ prosit-- _Vir_ BONUS.'"

"Why," said Luttrell, "I think the man a humbug; you'll find plenty of living skeletons in our hospitals--so I think a better motto may be found for him in the same epistle, which you have quoted so often--

'_Vir_ BONUS est QUIZ.'"

THE RIGHT HONOURABLE CHARLES JAMES FOX.

C.J. Fox, and Mr. Hare, his friend, both much incommoded by duns, were together in a house, when seeing some very shabby men about the door, they were afraid they were bailiffs in search of them. Not knowing which was in danger, and wishing to ascertain it, Fox opened the window, and calling to them, said, "Pray, gentlemen, are you _Fox-hunting_, or _Hare-hunting_?"

LORD ROSS.

The witty Lord Ross having spent all his money in London, set out for Ireland in order to recruit his purse. On his way he happened to meet with Sir Murrough O'Brien, driving for the capital in a lofty phaeton, with six fine _dun_-coloured horses. "Sir Murrough," exclaimed his Lordship, "what a contrast between you and me! I have left my _duns_ behind me; you are driving your _duns_ before you."

DR. JOHNSON.

Early one morning, the Doctor passing by the end of the Old Bailey, observed a great crowd collected, and upon inquiring of Boswell what it meant, was informed that one _Vowel_ was going to be hanged for forgery. "Well," replied the Doctor, "it is very clear, Bozzy, that it is neither _U_ nor _I_."

AN UNFORTUNATE CELEBRITY. _Dr. Johnson._

A pert young fellow who had made some abortive attempts as an author, and notwithstanding the shallowness of his pretensions, was on excellent terms with himself, had long been labouring for an opportunity of being introduced to the Doctor, and at length succeeded in obtaining an invitation to Mr. Thrale's. Having taken proper means to be frequently accosted by his name, which, in his own fond imagination, was "_fama super æthera notum_," he sat for some time in expectation of being accosted by the Lexicographer. Finding, however, that his hopes were vain, he at length ventured to break the ice. Approaching the Doctor with a smile of self-sufficiency, "My name, Doctor Johnson," said he, "is----; you have probably heard of me as being of some celebrity in the literary world." "Yes, I have indeed," was the sarcastic reply he received, "of _very unfortunate celebrity_."

DR. PARR ON WANTS.

The Doctor used to say, that a man's happiness was secure in proportion to the _small number of his wants_; and he added, that, all his life, he had endeavoured to prevent the multiplication of them in himself. A Mr. Ketch, on hearing this, said to him, "Then, Doctor, your secret of happiness is, to _cut down your wants_." "_Suspend_ your _puns_, Mr. _Ketch_," said the Doctor, "and _I will drop_ you the hint: _My_ secret is, _not to let them grow up_."

GEORGE COLMAN.

George Colman being once asked if he were acquainted with Theodore Hook, replied, "Oh yes; Hook and I (_eye_) are old associates."

JAMES SMITH, ESQ. ON SPRING AND SUMMER.

"We shall _jump_ into _summer_ all at once," said a friend to James Smith, one very fine day in the early part of the year. "Stop," said the punster, "if it is _leap year_, you must take a good _spring_ first."

SHIELD AND SIR GEORGE SMART--THE SCORE OF MERIT.

Shield the composer, on the occasion of Sir George Smart being knighted, said, "It must have been on the _merit_ of his _score_[19], and not on the _score_ of his _merit_."

[19] _The title was bestowed by the Duke of Richmond, then Lord Lieutenant of Ireland, who it is known was not over rich._

MR. WILLIAM SPENCER. _Classical Pun._

As William Spencer was contemplating the caricatures at Fores's one day, somebody pointed out to him Cruickshanks's design of the "Ostend packet in a squall;" when the wit, without at all sympathizing with the nausea visible on some of the faces represented in the print, exclaimed,

"Quodcunque Ostendis _mihi_ sic incredulus odi."

REYNOLDS THE DRAMATIST.

The amiable Mrs. W. always insists that her friends who take grog, should mix equal quantities of spirits and water, though she never observes the rule for herself. Reynolds having once made a glass under her directions, was asked by the lady--"Pray, Sir, is it--_As You Like It_?"--"No, Madam," replied the dramatist, "it is--_Measure for Measure_."

HENDERSON AND THE TWO GARRICKS. _The Tatler, Spectator, and Guardian._

The first time that Henderson, the player, rehearsed a part at Drury Lane, George Garrick came into the boxes, saying as he entered, "I only come as a spectator." Soon after he made some objection to Henderson's playing, when the young actor retorted--"Sir, I thought you were only to be a _Spectator_; instead of that you are turning _Tatler_." "Never mind him, Sir," said David Garrick, "never mind him, let him be what he will, I'll be the _Guardian_."

ANDREW CHERRY THE COMEDIAN.

The late Mr. A. Cherry, comedian, was written to some years since, with an offer for a good engagement from a manager, who, on a former occasion, had not behaved altogether well to him. Cherry sent him word, that he had been bit by him once, and he was resolved, that he should not make _two bites of A. Cherry_.

MR. JEKYLL'S PUN ON MR. RAINE.

Mr. Jekyll being told the other day, that Mr. Raine, the barrister, was engaged as the opposing counsel for a Mr. Hay, inquired, "If _Raine was ever known to do any good to Hay?_"

RALPH WEWITZER THE PUNSTER. _A Fault in Candles._

Ralph Wewitzer, ordering a box of candles, said he hoped they would be better than the last. The chandler said he was very sorry to hear them complained of, as they were as good as he could make. "Why," says Ralph, "they were very well till about half burnt down, but after that they would not burn any _longer_."

C.J. FOX AND BURKE ON THE "SUBLIME AND BEAUTIFUL."

Mr. Fox supped one evening with Edmund Burke, at the Thatched House, where they were served with dishes more elegant than substantial. Charles's appetite being rather keen, he was far from relishing the kickshaws that were set before him, and addressing his companion--"These dishes, Burke," said he, "are admirably calculated for your palate--they are both _sublime_ and _beautiful_."

HORNE TOOKE AND DR. PARR ON "TIT BITS."

Horne Tooke, author of the _Epea Pteroenta_, was remarkable for the readiness of his repartees in conversation. He once received an invitation to a dinner party to meet the celebrated Dr. Parr. "What!" said Horne Tooke, "go to meet a country schoolmaster, a mere man of Greek and Latin scraps! that will never do." Some time after this, he met Dr. Parr in the street, and addressed him with, "Ah! my dear Parr, is it you? how gratified I am to see you!" "What, me?" replied Parr, "a mere country schoolmaster, a man of Greek and Latin scraps?" "Oh my good friend," rejoined Horne Tooke immediately, "those who told you that never understood me; when I spoke of the _scraps_ I meant the _tit-bits_."

CURRAN'S CULINARY JOKE.

During Lord Westmoreland's administration, when a number of new corps were raised in Ireland (and given as jobs and political favours), it was observed, that, when inspected there, the establishment of each regiment was nominally reported to be complete at embarkation for England, but when landed at the other side, many of them had not a quarter of their numbers. "No wonder," said Mr. Curran, "for after being _mustered_, they are afraid of being _peppered_, and off they fly, not wishing to pay for the _roast_."

COUNSELLOR DUNNING OVER-DONE.

A gentleman being severely cross-examined by Mr. Dunning, who asked him repeatedly if he did not live within the verge of the court, at length answered that he did. "And pray, sir," said Dunning, "why did you take up your residence in that place?"--"In order to avoid the impertinence of _dunning_," answered the witness.

LORD CHANCELLOR ELDON AND THE LANCET. _Bleeding in Chancery._