Part 3

Rule 1. The capital Rule. He that puns, must have a head for it; that is, he must be a man of letters, of a sprightly and fine imagination, whatever men may think of his judgment; like Dr. Swift[9], who said, when a lady threw down a Cremona-fiddle with a frisk of her mantua,

"Mantua væ miseræ nimium vicina Cremonæ!"

[9] In the early editions of the tract, this admirable pun is ascribed to Dr. Delany.

Or if you would have a more obvious reason, St. Dennis never made a pun after his head was cut off. Vid. Popish Legend, tom. lxxviii. p. 15,000.

R. 2. The rule of Forehead. He must have good assurance, like my Lord B----, who puns in all companies.

R. 3. The Brazen Rule. He must have better assurance, like Brigadier C----, who said, 'That, as he was passing through a street, he made to a country fellow who had a hare swinging on a stick over his shoulder, and, giving it a shake, asked him whether it was his own _hair_, or a perriwig?' whereas it is a notorious Oxford jest.

R. 4. The Rule of Impudence. He must have the best assurance, like Dr. D----, who, although I had in three fair combats worsted him, yet had the impudence to challenge me a fourth time.

R. 5. Any person may pun upon another man's puns about half an hour after he has made them; as Dr. E---- and Mr. F---- frequently do.

I remember one day I was in company with them, and upon Major G---- saying, 'That he would leave me the gout for a legacy,' I made answer, and told the company,' I should be sorry to have such a _leg as he_.' They both snapped it up in their turns, and had as much applause for the pun as I had.

R. 6. The Rule of Pun upon Pun. All puns made upon the word pun are to be esteemed as so much old gold. _Ex. gr._ suppose two famous punsters should contend for the superiority, and a man should wittily say, 'That is a _Carthaginian_ war:'

Q. How, sir?

A. Why, sir, it is a _Pun-ick_ war.

R. 7. The Socratic Rule is, to instruct others by way of question and answer.

Q. Who was the first drawer?

A. _Potiphar._

Q. Which is the seat of the spleen?

A. The _hips_.

Q. Who were the first bakers?

A. The _Crustumenians_. (Masters of the Rolls, quoth Capt. Wolseley).

Q. Where did the first hermaphrodites come from?

A. _Middle-sex._

Q. What part of England has the most _dogs_?

A. _Bark-shire._

Q. From whence come the first _tumblers_?

A. From _Somerset_.

Q. Who were the first _mortgagers of land_?

A. The people of _Cumber-land_.

Q. What men in the world are the best _soldiers_?

A. Your red-haired men, because they always carry their _fire-locks_ upon their shoulders.

Q. Why should a man in debt be called _a diver_?

A. Because he has _dipped_ over head and ears.

Q. Why are ladies of late years well qualified for hunting?

A. Because they come with a _hoop_ and a _hollow_.

Q. Why are the Presbyterians, Independents, &c. said to be vermin?

A. Because they are _in-sects_.

Q. Where were the first _breeches_ made?

A. At _Thy-atira_.

Q. Who were the first _gold-finders_?

A. The _Turditani_.

Q. What part of the world is best to _feed dogs_ in?

A. _Lap-land._

Q. What prince in the world should have a _boar_ for his arms?

A. The duke of _Tusk-any_.

Q. Where do the best _corn-cutters_ live?

A. At _Leg-horn_.

Q. Why are horses with grease in their heels the best racers?

A. Because their heels are given to _running_.

Q. What is the reason that rats and mice are so much afraid of base violins and fiddles?

A. Because they are strung with _cat-gut_.

Q. If a lawyer is a whig, and pretends to be a Tory, or _vice versa_, why should his gown be stripped off?

A. Because he is guilty of _sham-party_.

Q. How many animals are concerned in the formation of the _English_ tongue?

A. According to _Buck_-anan, a great number; viz. _cat-egorical_, _dog-matical_, _crow-nological_, _flea-botomy_, _fish-ognomy_, _squirril-ity_, _rat-ification_, _mouse-olæum_, _pus-illanimity_, _hare-editary_, _ass-tronomy_, _jay-ography_, _stag-yrite_, _duck-tility_.

Q. Where were the first _hams_ made?

A. They were made in the temple of _Jupiter Hammon_, by the _Hamadryades_; one of them (if we may depend upon _Baker's_ Chronicle) was sent as a present to a gentleman in _Ham-shire_, of the family of the _Ham-iltons_, who immediately sent it to _Ham-ton-court_, where it was hung up by a string in the hall, by way of rarity, whence we have the English phrase _ham-strung_.

Thus did great Socrates improve the mind, By questions useful since to all mankind; For, when the purblind soul no farther saw, Than length of nose, into dark Nature's law, His method clear'd up all, enlarged the sight, And so he taught his pupils with _day-light_.

R. 8. The Rule of Interruption. Although the company be engaged in a discourse of the most serious consequence, it is and may be lawful to interrupt them with a pun. _Ex. gr._ suppose them poring over a problem in mathematics, you may, without offence, ask them 'How go _squares_ with them?' You may say too, 'That, being too intent upon those figures, they are become _cycloeid_, i. e. _sickly-eyed_; for which they are a pack of _loga-rithms_, i. e. _loggerheads_.' Vide R. 34.

R. 9. The Rule of Risibility. A man must be the first that laughs at his own pun; as _Martial_ advises:

"_Qui studet alterius risum captare lepore, Imprimis rictum contrahat ipse suum._"

"He that would move another man to laughter, Must first begin, and t'other soon comes after."

R. 10. The Rule of Retaliation obliges you, if a man makes fifty puns, to return all, or the most of them, in the same kind. As for instance: Sir W---- sent me a catalogue of Mrs. Prudence's scholars, and desired my advice as to the management of them:

Miss-Chief, the ringleader.

Miss-Advice, that spoils her face with paint.

Miss-Rule, that does every thing she is forbid.

Miss-Application, who has not done one letter in her sampler.

Miss-Belief, who cannot say the Creed yet.

Miss-Call, a perfect Billingsgate.

Miss-Fortune, that lost her grandmother's needle.

Miss-Chance, that broke her leg by romping.

Miss-Guide, that led the young misses into the dirt.

Miss-Lay'd, who left her porringer of flour and milk where the cat got at it.

Miss-Management, that let all her stockings run out at heels for want of darning.

For which I sent the following masters:

Master-Stroke, to whip them.

Master-Workman, to dress them.

Master-Ship, to rig them.

Master-Lye, to excuse them.

Master-Wort, to purge them.

Master-Piece, to patch them.

Master-Key, to lock them up.

Master-Pock, to mortify them.

If these can't keep your ladies quiet, Pull down their courage with low diet. Perhaps, dear sir, you'll think it cruel To feed them on plain water-gruel; But take my word, the best of breeding! As it is plain, requires plain feeding.

_Vide Roscommon._

R. 11. The Rule of Repetition: You must never let a pun be lost, but repeat and comment upon it till every one in the company both hears and understands it; _ex. gr._ Sir, I have good wine to give you; excellent _pontack_, which I got _'pon tick_; but, sir, we must have a little _pun-talk_ over it; you take me, sir, and you, and you too, madam.--There is _pun-talk_ upon _pontack_, and _'pon tick_ too, hey.

R. 12. The Elementary Rule. Keep to your _elements_, whether you have _fish_, _fowl_, or _flesh_, for dinner: As for instance, Is not this _fish_ which Mr. _Pool_ sent me, _ex-stream_ sweet? I think it is _main_ good, what say you? O' my _sole_, I never tasted better, and I think it ought to take _plaice_ of any that _swims_: though you may _carp_ at me for saying so, I can assure you that both Dr. _Spratt_ and Dr. _Whaley_ are of my mind.--This is an excellent _fowl_, and a fit dish for _high-flyers_. Pray, sir, what is your _o-pinion_ of this _wing_? As for the _leg_, the cook ought to be _clapper-clawed_ for not roasting it enough. But, now I think of it, why should this be called the bird of Bacchus? A. Because it was dressed by your drunken cook. Not at all. You mistake the matter. Pray is it not a _grape-lover_; i. e. _grey plover_? Are you for any of this mutton, Sir? If not, I can tell you, that you ought to be _lamb-asted_; for you must know that I have the best in the country. My _sheep_ bear away the _bell_, and I can assure you that, all _weathers_, I can treat my friends with as good _mutton_ as this: he that cannot make a meal of it, ought to have it _ram-med_ down his throat.

R. 13. The Rule of Retrospection. By this you may recall a discourse that has been past two hours, and introduce it thus: 'Sir, as you were saying two hours ago--you bought those stockings in Wales; I believe it, for they seem to be _well-chose_, i. e. _Welsh-hose_.'--'Sir, you were saying, if I mistake not, an hour or two ago, that soldiers have the speediest justice. I agree with you in that; for they are never without _red-dress_.'

R. 14. The Rule of Transition; which will serve to introduce any thing that has the most remote relation to the subject you are upon; _ex. gr._ If a man puns upon a _stable_, you may pun upon a _cornfield_, a _meadow_, a _horse-park_, a _smith's_ or _sadler's shop_; _ex. gr._ One says, His horses are gone to _rack_.' Then you answer, 'I would turn out the rascal that looks after them. _Hay_, sir, don't you think I am right? I would _strike while the iron is hot_; and _pummel_ the dog to some purpose.'

R. 15. The Rule of Alienation; which obliges you, when people are disputing hotly upon a subject, to pitch upon that word which gives the greatest disturbance, and make a pun upon it. This has not only occasioned peace in private companies, but has put a stop to hot wranglings in parliaments and convocations, which otherwise would not so soon come to a resolution: for, as Horace says, _Ridiculum acri_, &c.; and very often it is found so. Sir -------- once, in parliament, brought in a bill which wanted some amendment; which being denied him by the house, he frequently repeated, 'That he thirsted to mend his bill.' Upon which, a worthy member got up, and said, 'Mr. Speaker, I humbly move, since that member _thirsts_ so very much, that he may be allowed to mend his _draught_.' This put the house into such a good humour, that his petition was granted.

R. 16. The Rule of Analogy is, when two persons pun upon different subjects, after the same manner. Ay, says one, 'I went to my _shoe-maker's_ to-day for a pair of _shoes_ which I bespoke a month ago; and when _all_ came to _all_, the dog _bristles_ up to me with a thousand excuses, that I thought there would never be an _end_ of his discourse: but, upon my calling him a rascal, he began to _wax_ warm, and had the impudence to bid me to _vamp_ off, for he had not leisure now to talk to me, because he was going to dinner: which vexed me indeed to the very _sole_. Upon this I jumped out of his shop in a great rage, and wished the next bit he eat might be his _last_.' Says another, 'I went to a _tanner's_ that owed me some money; and (would you think it?) the _pitiful_ fellow was _fleshed_ at it, insomuch that forsooth he could not _hide_ his resentment, but told me, that it was enough to set a man _horn_ mad to be _dunned_ so early in a morning: and, as for his part, he would _curry_ favour no longer with me, let me do my worst. Thus the unmannerly cur _barked_ at me, &c.'

R. 17. The Sophistical Rule is, fixing upon a man's saying which he never spoke, and making a pun upon it, as, 'Ay, sir, since you say he was born in _Bark-shire_, I say he is a _son of a bitch_.'

R. 18. The Rule of Train, is a method of introducing puns which we have studied before; _ex. gr._ By talking of _Truelock_ the _gun-smith_, his very name will provoke some person in the company to pun. Then you proceed: 'Sir, _I smell powder_, but you are plaguy weak in your _mainspring_ for punning; I would advise you to get a better _stock_, before you pretend to _let off_: though you may think yourself _prime_ in this art, you are much mistaken, for a very young beginner may be a _match_ for you. Ay, sir, you may _cock_ and look big; but, _u-pan_ my word, I take you to be no more than a _flash_; and Mrs. Skin-_flint_, my neighbour, shall pun with you for a _pistole_, if I do not _lose my aim_, &c.'

R. 19. The Rule of Challenge. As for instance, when you have conned over in your mind a chain of puns, you surprise the best punner in company, after this manner: 'Say _Tan-pit_, if you dare.'

R. 20. The Sanguine Rule allows you to swear a man out of his pun, and prove yourself the author of it; as Dr. S--served Capt. W--, who was told how a _slater_, working at his house, fell through all the rafters from top to bottom, and that upon this accident he said, 'He loved to see a man _go cleverly through his work_.' 'That is mine, by----,' said the Doctor.

R. 21. The Rule of Concatenation is making a string of puns as fast as you can, that nobody else can put in a word till you have exhausted the subject; _ex. gr._ There was one _John Appleby_, a _gardener_, fell in love with one Mrs. _Curran_, for her _cherrycheeks_ and her _lily_ white hand; and soon after he got her consent to _graft_ upon her _stock_. Mr. _Link_ the parson was sent for, who joined the loving _pair_ together; Mr. _Rowintree_ and Mr. _Holy-oak_ were bride-men. The company were, my lady _Joan Keel_, who _came-a-mile_ on foot to compliment them; and her maid _Sally_, remarkable for her _carrots_, that rid upon a _chestnut_. There was Dr. _Burrage_ too, a constant _medlar_ in other people's affairs. He was lately _im-peach'd_ for murdering Don _Quick-set_. Mrs. _Lettice Skirret_ and Mrs. _Rose-merry_ were the bride-maids; the latter sang a song to oblige the company, which an arch wag called a funeral dirge: but, notwithstanding this, our friend _John_ began to thrive upon matrimony like a _twig in a bush_. I forgot to tell you, that the tailor had so much _cabbage_ out of the wedding suit, there was none at all for supper.

R. 22. The Rule of Inoculating is, when a person makes an excellent pun, and you immediately fix another upon it; as Dean Swift one day said to a gentleman, who had a very little bob wig, 'Sir, the _dam_ of your wig is a _whisker_;' upon which I came in very _à propos_, and said, 'Sir, that cannot be, for it is but an _ear-wig_.'

R. 23. The Rule of Desertion allows you to bring a man into a pun, and leave him to work it out: as, suppose you should hear a man say the word _incomparable_----Then you proceed, _in-com-incom-par-par-rable-rable_ ----So let the other make his best of it.

R. 24. The Salick Rule is, a pretence to a jumping of wits: that is, when a man has made a good pun, the other swears with a pun he was just coming out with it. One night, I remember, Mr. ---- served Dr. ---- so. The former saying over a bottle, 'Will, I am for my mistress here.' 'How so?' says Tom. 'Why, I am for _Wine-if-red_.' 'By this _crooked stick_[10],' said Tom, 'I was coming out with it.'

[10] _Cane-a-wry_, _i. e._ Canary.

R. 25. The Etymological Rule is, when a man hunts a pun through every letter and syllable of a word: as for example, I am asked, 'What is the best word to spend an evening with?' I answered, '_Potatos_; for there is _po--pot--pota--potat--potato_, and the reverse _sot-a-top_.'

R. 26. The Rule of Mortification is, when a man having got the thanks and laugh of a company for a good pun, an enemy to the art swears he read it in "Cambridge Jests." This is such an inversion of it, that I think I may be allowed to make examples of these kind of people in verse:

Thus puppies, that adore the dark, Against bright Cynthia howl and bark; Although the regent of the night, Like us, is gay with borrow'd light.

R. 57. The Professionary Rule[11] is, to frame a story, and swear you were present at an event where every man talked in his own calling; _ex. gr._ Major ---- swears he was present at the seizing of a pick-pocket by a great rabble in Smithfield; and that he heard

A Tailor say, 'Send the dog to _hell_.'

The Cook, 'Let me be at him, I'll _baste_ him.'

The Joiner, 'It is _plain_ the dog was caught in the fact; I _saw_ him.'

The Blacksmith, 'He is a fine _spark_ indeed!'

The Butcher, '_Knock down_ the _shambling_ cur.'

The Glazier, 'Make the _light shine through him_.'

The Bookseller, '_Bind him_ over.'

The Sadler, '_Pummel_ him.'

The Farmer, '_Thrash_ the dog.'

A Popish Priest going by, 'I'll make the _Devil fly out of him_.'

[11] An improvement on this rule was adopted by Dr. Swift, in his "Full and True Account of Wood's Procession to the Gallows."

R. 28. The Brazen-head Rule is, when a punster stands his ground against a whole company, though there is not one to side with him, to the utter destruction of all conversation but his own. As for instance--says one, 'I hate a _pun_.'--Then he, 'When a _pun is meant_, is it a _punishment_?'--'Deuce take your quibbling!'--'Sir, I will not bate you an _ace_, _cinque_ me if I do; and I'll make you know that I am a _sice_ above you.'--'This fellow cannot talk out of his _element_.'--'To divert you was _all I meant_.'

R. 29. The Hypothetic Rule is, when you suppose things hardly consistent to be united, for the sake of a pun: as for instance--suppose a person in the pillory had received a full discharge of eggs upon every part of his face but the handle of it; why should he make the longest verses in the world? Ans. _Versos Alexandrinos_, _i. e._ All-eggs-and-dry-nose.

R. 30. The Rule of Naturalization is, that punning is free of all languages: as for the Latin _Romanos_ you may say 'Roman nose'--_Temeraria_, 'Tom, where are you?'--_Oxoniæ prospectus_, 'Pox on you, pray speak to us. For the French _quelque chose_, you may say in English 'kick shoes.' When one says of a thief, 'I wish he was transported;' answer, 'he is already _fur_ enough.' Dr. Swift made an excellent advantage of this rule one night: when a certain peevish gentleman in his company had lost his _spectacles_, he bid him 'have a good heart, for, if it continued raining all night, he would find them in the morning.'--'Pray, how so?'--'Why, sir,

'Nocte pluit tota, redeunt _spectacula_ manè.'

R. 31. The Rule of Random. When a man speaks any thing that comes uppermost, and some good pun-finder discovers what he never meant in it, then he is to say, 'You have hit it!' As Major Grimes did: complaining that he staid at home by reason of an issue in a leg, which was just beginning to run, he was answered by Mr.--, 'I wonder that you should be confined who have such running legs.' The Major replied, 'You have hit it; for I meant _that_.'

R. 32. The Rule of Scandal. Never to speak well of another punster; _ex. gr._ 'Who, he! Lord, sir, he has not sense enough to play at crambo;' or 'He does not know the meaning of synonymous words;' or, 'He never rose so high as a conundrum or a carrywhichit.'

R. 33. The Rule of Catch is, when you hear a man conning a pun softly to himself, to whip it out of his mouth, and pass it upon the company for your own: as for instance; mustard happened to be mentioned in company where I was, and a gentleman with his eyes fixed upon the ceiling, was at _Mus--mus, sinapi--sinapi--snap eye--bite nose_;--One in the company, over-hearing him, _bit_ him, and _snapped_ it up, and said, 'Mustard is the stoutest seed in the world, for it takes the greatest man by the _nose_.'

R. 34. The Golden Rule allows you to change one syllable for another; by this, you may either lop off, insert, or add to a word; _ex. gr._

For Church--_Kirk_.

For Bangor--_Clangor_.

For Presbyter--_Has-biter_.

This rule is of such consequence, that a man was once tried for his life by it. The case was thus: A certain man was brought before a judge of assize for murder: his lordship asked his name, and being answered _Spillman_, the judge said, 'Take away _Sp_, and his name is _Ill-man_; put _K_ to it, and it is _Killman_: away with him, gaoler; his very name has hanged him[12].' This 34th rule, on this occasion, became a rule of court, and was so well liked, that a justice of peace, who shall be nameless, applied every tittle of it to a man brought to him upon the same account, after this manner: 'Come, sir, I conjure you, as I am one of his majesty's justices of the peace, to tell me your name.'--'My name, an't please you, is _Watson_.'--'O ho, sir! _Watson_! mighty well! Take away _Sp_ from it, and it is _Ill-man_, and put _K_ to it, and it is _Kill-man_: away with him, constable, his very name will hang him.'

[12] A presbyterian preacher of the last age chose to exemplify the Golden Rule, by dissecting the name of the great enemy of mankind: 'Take away D, and it is _Evil_, take away the E, and it is _Vile_, take away the V, and it is _Ill_--_Ill, Vile, Evil, Devil_.'

Let us now consider a new case; as for instance, 'The church of England, as by law established.' Put a _T_ before it, and it is _Test-ablished_: take away the _Test_ and put in _o_, and it is _Abolished_.

How much was Tom Gordon, the late ingenious author of Parson Alberoni, obliged to it, in that very natural story which he framed concerning the preacher, where he tells you, one of the congregation called the minister an _Humbassandor_ for an Ambassador[13].

[13] The story here alluded to is told in a pamphlet, entitled, 'A modest Apology for Parson Alberoni, Governor to King Philip, a Minor, and universal Curate of the whole Spanish Monarchy, &c. by Thomas Gordon, Esq. 1719,' and is as follows: 'There is, in a certain diocese in this nation, a living worth about six hundred pounds a-year. This, and two or three more preferments, maintain the doctor in becoming ease and corpulency. He keeps a chariot in town, and a journeyman in the country; his curate and his coach-horses are his equal drudges, saving that the four-legged cattle are better fed, and have sleeker cassocks, than his spiritual dray-horse. The doctor goes down once a-year, to shear his flock and fill his pockets, or, in other words, to receive the wages of his embassy; and then, sometimes in an afternoon, if his belly do not happen to be too full, he vouchsafes to mount the pulpit, and to instruct his people in the greatness of his character and dullness. This composes the whole parish to rest; but the doctor one day denouncing himself _the Lord's Ambassador_ with greater fire and loudness than could have been reasonably expected from him, it roused a clown of the congregation, who waked his next neighbour with, 'Dost hear, Tom, dost hear?'--'Ay,' says Tom, yawning, 'what does he say?'--'Say?' answered the other, 'he says a plaguy lie, to be sure; he says as how he is my Lord's _Humbassandor_, but I think he is more rather the Lord's Receiver-General, for he never comes but to take money.' Six hundred pounds a-year is, modestly speaking, a competent fee for lulling the largest congregation in England asleep once in a twelvemonth. Such tithes are the price of napping; and such mighty odds are there between a curtain lecture and a cushion lecture.' See the collection of Tracts by Gordon and Trenchard, vol. i. p. 130.