Chapter 24

But I have wandered a little from my subject, which was only to propose a wish that these execrable denominations were a little better suited to an English mouth, if it were only for the sake of the English lawyers; who, in trials upon appeals to the House of Lords, find so much difficulty in repeating the names, that, if the plaintiff or defendant were by, they would never be able to discover which were their own lands. But, besides this, I would desire, not only that the appellations of what they call _town-lands_ were changed, but likewise of larger districts, and several towns, and some counties; and particularly the seats of country-gentlemen, leaving an _alias_ to solve all difficulties in point of law. But I would by no means trust these alterations to the owners themselves; who, as they are generally no great clerks, so they seem to have no large vocabulary about them, nor to be well skilled in prosody. The utmost extent of their genius lies in naming their country habitation by a hill, a mount, a brook, a burrow, a castle, a bawn, a ford, and the like ingenious conceits. Yet these are exceeded by others, whereof some have contrived anagramatical appellations, from half their own and their wives' names joined together: others only from the lady; as, for instance, a person whose wife's name was Elizabeth, calls his seat by the name of _Bess-borow_. There is likewise a famous town, where the worst iron in the kingdom is made, and it is called _Swandlingbar_: the original of which name I shall explain, lest the antiquaries of future ages might be at a loss to derive it. It was a most witty conceit of four gentlemen, who ruined themselves with this iron project. _Sw._ stands for _Swift_,[193] _And_, for _Sanders_, _Ling_ for _Davling_ and _Bar._ for _Barry_. Methinks I see the four loggerheads sitting in consult, like _Smectymnuus_, each gravely contributing a part of his own name, to make up one for their place in the ironwork; and could wish they had been hanged, as well as undone, for their wit. But I was most pleased with the denomination of a town-land, which I lately saw in an advertisement of Pue's paper: "This is to give notice, that the lands of _Douras, alias_ WHIG-_borough_," &c. Now, this zealous proprietor, having a mind to record his principles in religion or loyalty to future ages, within five miles round him, for want of other merit, thought fit to make use of this expedient: wherein he seems to mistake his account; for this distinguishing term, whig, had a most infamous original, denoting a man who favoured the fanatic sect, and an enemy to kings, and so continued till this idea was a little softened, some years after the Revolution, and during a part of her late Majesty's reign. After which it was in disgrace until the Queen's death, since which time it hath indeed flourished with a witness: But how long will it continue so, in our variable scene, or what kind of mortal it may describe, is a question which this courtly landlord is not able to answer; and therefore he should have set a date on the title of his borough, to let us know what kind of a creature a whig was in that year of our Lord. I would readily assist nomenclators of this costive imagination, and therefore I propose to others of the same size in thinking, that, when they are at a loss about christening a country-seat, instead of straining their invention, they would call it _Booby-borough_, _Fool-brook_, _Puppy-ford_, _Coxcomb-hall_, _Mount-loggerhead_, _Dunce-hill_; which are innocent appellations, proper to express the talents of the owners. But I cannot reconcile myself to the prudence of this lord of WHIG-_borough_, because I have not yet heard, among the Presbyterian squires, how much soever their persons and principles are in vogue, that any of them have distinguished their country abode by the name of _Mount-regicide_, _Covenant-hall_, _Fanatic-hill_, _Roundhead-bawn_, _Canting-brook_, or _Mont-rebel_, and the like; because there may probably come a time when those kind of sounds may not be so grateful to the ears of the kingdom. For I do not conceive it would be a mark of discretion, upon supposing a gentleman, in allusion to his name, or the merit of his ancestors, to call his house _Tyburn-hall_.

But the scheme I would propose for changing the denominations of land into legible and audible syllables, is by employing some gentlemen in the University; who, by the knowledge of the Latin tongue, and their judgment in sounds, might imitate the Roman way, by translating those hideous words into their English meanings, and altering the termination where a bare translation will not form a good cadence to the ear, or be easily delivered from the mouth. And, when both those means happen to fail, then to name the parcels of land from the nature of the soil, or some peculiar circumstance belonging to it; as, in England, _Farn-ham_, _Oat-lands_, _Black-heath_, _Corn-bury_, _Rye-gate_, _Ash-burnham_, _Barn-elms_, _Cole-orton_, _Sand-wich_, and many others.

I am likewise apt to quarrel with some titles of lords among us, that have a very ungracious sound, which are apt to communicate mean ideas to those who have not the honour to be acquainted with their persons or their virtues, of whom I have the misfortune to be one. But I cannot pardon those gentlemen who have gotten titles since the judicature of the peers among us has been taken away, to which they all submitted with a resignation that became good Christians, as undoubtedly they are. However, since that time, I look upon a graceful harmonious title to be at least forty _per cent._ in the value intrinsic of an Irish peerage; and, since it is as cheap as the worst, for any Irish law hitherto enacted in England to the contrary, I would advise the next set, before they pass their patents, to call a consultation of scholars and musical gentlemen, to adjust this most important and essential circumstance. The Scotch noblemen, though born almost under the north pole, have much more tunable appellations, except some very few, which I suppose were given them by the Irish along with their language, at the time when that kingdom was conquered and planted from hence; and to this day retain the denominations of places, and surnames of families, as all historians agree.[194]

I should likewise not be sorry, if the names of some bishops' sees were so much obliged to the alphabet, that upon pronouncing them we might contract some veneration for the order and persons of those reverend peers, which the gross ideas sometimes joined to their titles are very unjustly apt to diminish.

SPEECH DELIVERED BY DEAN SWIFT

TO AN ASSEMBLY OF MERCHANTS MET AT THE GUILDHALL,

TO DRAW UP A PETITION TO THE LORD LIEUTENANT

ON THE LOWERING OF COIN,

APRIL 24TH, 1736.

NOTE.

Writing to Sheridan, under date April 24th, 1736, in a letter written partly by herself and partly by Swift, Mrs. Whiteway, Swift's housekeeper, refers to the occasion of this speech in the following words:

"The Drapier went this day to the Tholsel[195] as a merchant, to sign a petition to the government against lowering the gold, where we hear he made a long speech, for which he will be reckoned a Jacobite. God send hanging does not go round." (Scott's edition, vol. xviii., p. 470. 1824.)

The occasion for this agitation against the lowering of the gold arose thus. Archbishop Boulter had, for a long time, been much concerned about the want of small silver in Ireland. The subject seemed to weigh on him greatly, since he refers to it again and again in his correspondence with Carteret, Newcastle, Dorset, and Walpole. On May 25th, 1736, he wrote to Walpole to inform him that the Lord Lieutenant had taken with him to England "an application from the government for lowering the gold made current here, by proclamation, and raising the foreign silver." Silver, being scarce, bankers and tradesmen were accustomed to charge a premium for the changing of gold, as much as sixpence and sevenpence in the pound sterling being obtained. (See Boulter's "Letters," vol. ii., p. 122. Dublin, 1770.)

There was no question about the benefit of Boulter's scheme in the minds of the two Houses of Commons and Lords: Swift, however, opposed it vehemently, because he thought the advantage to be obtained by this lowering of the gold would accrue to the absentees. In 1687 James had issued a proclamation by which an English shilling was made the equivalent of thirteen pence in Ireland, and an English guinea to twenty-four shillings. Primate Boulter's object (gained by the proclamation of the order on September 29th, 1737) was to reduce the value of the guinea from twenty-three shillings (at which it then stood) to _£1 2s. 9d._ Swift, thinks Monck Mason, considered the absentees would benefit by this "from the circumstances of the reserved rents, being expressed in the imaginary coin, called a pound, but actually paid in guineas, when the value of guineas was lowered, it required a proportionately greater number to make up a specific sum" ("History of St. Patrick's," p. 401, note c.)

Swift, as he wrote to Sheridan, "battled in vain with the duke and his clan." He thought it "just a kind of settlement upon England of £25,000 a year for ever; yet some of my friends," he goes on to say, "differ from me, though all agree that the absentees will be just so much gainers." (Letter of date May 22nd, 1737.)

In a note to Boulter's letter to the Duke of Newcastle (September 29th, 1737) the editor of those letters (Ambrose Phillips) remarks: "Such a spirit of opposition had been raised on this occasion by Dean Swift and the bankers, that it was thought proper to lodge at the Primate's house, an extraordinary guard of soldiers." This, probably, was after the open exchange of words between Boulter and Swift. The Primate had accused Swift of inflaming the minds of the people, and hinted broadly that he might incur the displeasure of the government. "I inflame them!" retorted Swift, "had I but lifted my finger, they would have torn you to pieces." The day of the proclaiming of the order for the lowering of the gold was marked by Swift with the display of a black flag from the steeple of St. Patrick's, and the tolling of muffled bells, a piece of conduct which Boulter called an insult to the government.

It is _à propos_ to record here the revenge Swift took on Boulter for the accusation of inflaming the people. The incident was put by him into the following verse:

"At Dublin's high feast sat primate and dean, Both dressed like divines, with hand and face clean: Quoth Hugh of Armagh, 'the mob is grown bold.' 'Ay, ay,' quoth the Dean, 'the cause is old gold.' 'No, no,' quoth the primate, 'if causes we sift, The mischief arises from witty Dean Swift.' The smart one replies, 'There's no wit in the case; And nothing of that ever troubled your grace. Though with your state sieve your own motions you s--t, A Boulter by name is no bolter of wit. It's matter of weight, and a mere money job; But the lower the coin, the higher the mob. Go to tell your friend Bob and the other great folk, That sinking the coin is a dangerous joke. The Irish dear joys have enough common sense, To treat gold reduced like Wood's copper pence. It's pity a prelate should die without law; But if I say the word--take care of Armagh!"

With the lowering of the gold the Primate imported £2,000 worth of copper money for Irish consumption. Swift was most indignant at this, and his protest, printed by Faulkner, brought that publisher before the Council, and gave Swift a fit of "nerves." (MS. Letter, March 31st, 1737, to Lord Orrery, quoted by Craik in Swift's "Life," vol. ii., p. 160.) Swift's objection against the copper was due to the fact that it was not minted in Ireland. "I quarrel not with the coin, but with the indignity of its not being coined here." (Same MS. Letter.)

Among the pamphlets in the Halliday collection in the Royal Irish Academy, Dublin, is a tract with the following title:

"Reasons why we should not lower the Coins now Current in this Kingdom ... Dublin: Printed and Sold by E. Waters in Dame-street."

At the end of this tract is printed Swift's speech to "an Assembly of above one Hundred and fifty eminent persons who met at the Guild Hall, on Saturday the 24th April, 1736, in order to draw up their Petition, and present it to his grace the Lord Lieutenant against lowering said Coin." It is from this tract that the present text has been taken. The editor is obliged to Sir Henry Craik's "Life of Swift" for drawing attention to this hitherto uncollected piece.

[T. S.]

SPEECH DELIVERED ON THE LOWERING OF THE COIN.

I beg you will consider and very well weigh in your hearts, what I am going to say and what I have often said before. There are several bodies of men, among whom the power of this kingdom is divided--1st, The Lord-Lieutenant, Lords Justices and Council; next to these, my Lords the Bishops; there is likewise my Lord Chancellor, and my Lords the Judges of the land--with other eminent persons in the land, who have employments and great salaries annexed. To these must be added the Commissioners of the Revenue, with all their under officers: and lastly, their honours of the Army, of all degrees.

Now, Gentlemen, I beg you again to consider that none of these persons above named, can ever suffer the loss of one farthing by all the miseries under which the kingdom groans at present. For, first, until the kingdom be entirely ruined, the Lord-Lieutenant and Lords Justices must have their salaries. My Lords the Bishops, whose lands are set at a fourth part value, will be sure of their rents and their fines. My Lords the Judges and those of other employments in the country must likewise have their salaries. The gentlemen of the revenue will pay themselves, and as to the officers of the army, the consequence of not paying them is obvious enough. Nay, so far will those persons I have already mentioned be from suffering, that, on the contrary, their revenues being no way lessened by the fall of money, and the price of all commodities considerably sunk thereby, they must be great gainers. Therefore, Gentlemen, I do entreat you that as long as you live, you will look on all persons who are for lowering the gold, or any other coin, as no friends to this poor kingdom, but such, who find their private account in what will be detrimental to Ireland. And as the absentees are, in the strongest view, our greatest enemies, first by consuming above one-half of the rents of this nation abroad, and secondly by turning the weight, by their absence, so much on the Popish side, by weakening the Protestant interest, can there be a greater folly than to pave a bridge of gold at your own expense, to support them in their luxury and vanity abroad, while hundreds of thousands are starving at home for want of employment.

MISCELLANEOUS PIECES.

IRISH ELOQUENCE.[196]

I hope you will come and take a drink of my ale. I always brew with my own bear. I was at your large Toun's house, in the county of Fermanegh. He has planted a great many oak trees, and elm trees round his lough: And a good warrent he had, it is kind father for him, I stayd with him a week. At breakfast we had sometimes sowins, and sometimes stirrabout, and sometimes fraughauns and milk; but his cows would hardly give a drop of milk. For his head had lost the pachaun. His neighbour Squire Dolt is a meer buddaugh. I'd give a cow in Conaught you could see him. He keeps none but garrauns, and he rides on a soogaun with nothing for his bridle but gadd. In that, he is a meer spaulpeen, and a perfect Monaghan, and a Munster Croch to the bargain. Without you saw him on Sunday you would take him for a Brogadeer and a spaned to a carl did not know had to draw butter. We drank balcan and whisky out of madders. And the devil a niglugam had but a caddao. I wonder your cozen does na learn him better manners. Your cousin desires you will buy him some cheney cups. I remember he had a great many; I wonder what is gone with them. I coshered on him for a week. He has a fine staggard of corn. His dedy has been very unwell. I was sorry that anything ayl her father's child.

Firing is very dear thereabout. The turf is drawn tuo near in Kislers; and they send new rounds from the mines, nothing comes in the Cleeves but stock. We had a sereroar of beef, and once a runy for dinner.

A DIALOGUE IN HIBERNIAN STYLE BETWEEN A. AND B.[197]

A. Them aples is very good.

B. I cam _again_ you in that.

A. Lord I was bodderd t'other day with that prating fool, Tom.

B. Pray, how does he _get_ his health?

A. He's often very _unwell_.

B. [I] hear he was a great pet of yours.

A. Where does he live?

B. Opposite the red Lyon.

A. I think he behaved very ill the last sessions.

B. That's true, but I cannot forbear loving his father's child: Will you take a glass of my ale?

A. No, I thank you, I took a drink of small beer at home before I came here.

B. I always brew with my own bear: You have a country-house: Are you [a] planter.

A. Yes, I have planted a great many oak trees and ash trees, and some elm trees round a lough.

B. And so a good warrant you have: It is kind father for you.

A. And what breakfast do you take in the country?

B. Sometimes stirabout, and in sumer we have the best frauhaurg in all the county.

A. What kind of man is your neighbour Squire Dolt?

B. Why, a meer Buddogh. He sometimes coshers with me; and once a month I take a pipe with him, and we shot it about for an hour together.

A. I hear he keeps good horses.

B. None but garrauns, and I have seen him often riding on a sougawn. In short, he is no better than a spawlpien; a perfect Marcghen. When I was there last, we had nothing but a medder to drink out of; and the devil a nighigam but a caddao. Will you go see him when you come unto our quarter?

A. Not _without_ you go with me.

B. Will you lend me your snuff-box?

A. Do you make good cheese and butter?

B. Yes, when we can get milk; but our cows will never keep a drop of milk without a Puckaun.

TO THE PROVOST AND SENIOR FELLOWS OF TRINITY COLLEGE, DUBLIN.

Deanery House, July 5, 1736.

REV. AND WORTHY SIRS,

As I had the honour of receiving some part of my education in your university, and the good fortune to be of some service to it while I had a share of credit at court, as well as since, when I had very little or none, I may hope to be excused for laying a case before you, and offering my opinion upon it.

Mr. Dunkin,[198] whom you all know, sent me some time ago a memorial intended to be laid before you, which perhaps he hath already done. His request is, that you would be pleased to enlarge his annuity at present, and that he may have the same right, in his turn, to the first church preferment, vacant in your gift, as if he had been made a fellow, according to the scheme of his aunt's will; because the absurdity of the condition in it ought to be imputed to the old woman's ignorance, although her intention be very manifest; and the intention of the testator in all wills is chiefly regarded by the law. What I would therefore propose is this, that you would increase his pension to one hundred pounds a-year, and make him a firm promise of the first church living in your disposal, to the value of two hundred pounds a-year, or somewhat more. This I take to be a reasonable medium between what he hath proposed in his memorial, and what you allow him at present.

I am almost a perfect stranger to Mr. Dunkin, having never seen him above twice, and then in mixed company, nor should I know his person if I met him in the streets.

But I know he is a man of wit and parts; which if applied properly to the business of his function, instead of poetry, (wherein it must be owned he sometimes excels,) might be of great use and service to him.

I hope you will please to remember, that, since your body hath received no inconsiderable benefaction from the aunt, it will much increase your reputation, rather to err on the generous side toward the nephew.

These are my thoughts, after frequently reflecting on the case under all its circumstances; and so I leave it to your wiser judgments.

I am, with true respect and esteem, reverend and worthy Sirs,

Your most obedient and most humble servant,

JON. SWIFT.

TO THE RIGHT WORSHIPFUL THE MAYOR, ALDERMEN, SHERIFFS, AND COMMON-COUNCIL OF THE CITY OF CORK.

Deanery House, Dublin, August 15, 1737.

GENTLEMEN,

I received from you, some weeks ago, the honour of my freedom, in a silver box, by the hands of Mr. Stannard; but it was not delivered to me in as many weeks more; because, I suppose, he was too full of more important business. Since that time, I have been wholly confined by sickness, so that I was not able to return you my acknowledgment; and it is with much difficulty I do it now, my head continuing in great disorder. Mr. Faulkner will be the bearer of my letter, who sets out this morning for Cork.

I could have wished, as I am a private man, that, in the instrument of my freedom, you had pleased to assign your reasons for making choice of me. I know it is a usual compliment to bestow the freedom of the city on an archbishop, or lord-chancellor, and other persons of great titles, merely on account of their stations or power: but a private man, and a perfect stranger, without power or grandeur, may justly expect to find the motives assigned in the instrument of his freedom, on what account he is thus distinguished. And yet I cannot discover, in the whole parchment scrip, any one reason offered. Next, as to the silver box, there is not so much as my name upon it, nor any one syllable to show it was a present from your city. Therefore I have, by the advice of friends, agreeable with my opinion, sent back the box and instrument of freedom by Mr. Faulkner, to be returned to you; leaving to your choice whether to insert the reasons for which you were pleased to give me my freedom, or bestow the box upon some more worthy person whom you may have an intention to honour, because it will equally fit everybody.

I am, with true esteem and gratitude, Gentlemen, Your most obedient and obliged servant, JON. SWIFT.

TO THE HONOURABLE THE SOCIETY OF THE GOVERNOR AND ASSISTANTS, LONDON,

FOR THE NEW PLANTATION IN ULSTER, WITHIN THE REALM OF IRELAND, AT THE CHAMBER IN GUILDHALL, LONDON.

April 19, 1739. WORTHY GENTLEMEN,

I heartily recommend to your very Worshipful Society, the Reverend Mr. William Dunkin,[199] for the living of Colrane, vacant by the death of Dr. Squire. Mr. Dunkin is a gentleman of great learning and wit, true religion, and excellent morals. It is only for these qualifications that I recommend him to your patronage; and I am confident that you will never repent the choice of such a man, who will be ready at any time to obey your commands. You have my best wishes, and all my endeavours for your prosperity: and I shall, during my life, continue to be, with the truest respect and highest esteem,

Worthy Sirs, Your most obedient, and most humble servant, JON. SWIFT.

CERTIFICATE TO A DISCARDED SERVANT.

Deanery-house, Jan. 9, 1739-40