Chapter 19

JULIAN _watching_.

_Julian_. I think she sleeps. Would God it be so; then She will do well. What strange things she has spoken! My heart is beating as if it would spend Its life in this one night, and beat it out. And well it may, for there is more of life In one such moment than in many years! Pure life is measured by intensity, Not by the how much of the crawling clock. Is that a bar of moonlight stretched across The window-blind? or is it but a band Of whiter cloth my thrifty dame has sewed Upon the other?--'Tis the moon herself, Low in the west. 'Twas such a moon as this--

_Lilia_ (_half-asleep, wildly_). If Julian had been here, you dared not do it!-- Julian! Julian!

[_Half-rising_.]

_Julian_ (_forgetting his caution, and going up to her_). I am here, my Lilia. Put your head down, my love. 'Twas all a dream, A terrible dream. Gone now--is it not?

[_She looks at him with wide restless eyes; then sinks back on the pillow. He leaves her_.]

How her dear eyes bewildered looked at me! But her soul's eyes are closed. If this last long She'll die before my sight, and Joy will lead In by the hand her sister, Grief, pale-faced, And leave her to console my solitude. Ah, what a joy! I dare not think of it! And what a grief! I will not think of that! Love? and from her? my beautiful, my own! O God, I did not know thou wast so rich In making and in giving; did not know The gathered glory of this earth of thine. What! wilt thou crush me with an infinite joy? Make me a god by giving? Wilt thou take Thy centre-thought of living beauty, born In thee, and send it home to dwell with me?

[_He leans on the wall_.]

_Lilia_ (_softly_). Am I in heaven? There's something makes me glad, As if I were in heaven! Yes, yes, I am. I see the flashing of ten thousand glories; I hear the trembling of a thousand wings, That vibrate music on the murmuring air! Each tiny feather-blade crushes its pool Of circling air to sound, and quivers music!-- What is it, though, that makes me glad like this? I knew, but cannot find it--I forget. It must be here--what was it?--Hark! the fall, The endless going of the stream of life!-- Ah me! I thirst, I thirst,--I am so thirsty!

[_Querulously_.]

[JULIAN _gives her drink, supporting her. She looks at him again, with large wondering eyes_.]

Ah! now I know--I was so very thirsty!

[_He lays her down. She is comforted, and falls asleep. He extinguishes the light, and looks out of the window_.]

_Julian_. The gray earth dawning up, cold, comfortless; With its obtrusive _I am_ written large Upon its face!

[_Approaches the bed, and gazes on_ LILIA _silently with clasped hands; then returns to the window_.]

She sleeps so peacefully! O God, I thank thee: thou hast sent her sleep. Lord, let it sink into her heart and brain.

_Enter_ Nurse.

Oh, nurse, I'm glad you're come! She is asleep. You must be near her when she wakes again. I think she'll be herself. But do be careful-- Right cautious how you tell her I am here. Sweet woman-child, may God be in your sleep!

[JULIAN _goes_.]

_Nurse_. Bless her white face, she looks just like my daughter, That's now a saint in heaven! Just those thin cheeks, And eyelids hardly closed over her eyes!-- Dream on, poor darling! you are drinking life From the breast of sleep. And yet I fain would see Your shutters open, for I then should know Whether the soul had drawn her curtains back, To peep at morning from her own bright windows. Ah! what a joy is ready, waiting her, To break her fast upon, if her wild dreams Have but betrayed her secrets honestly! Will he not give thee love as dear as thine!