Part 3

5 Inspector desperate. He summons whole station staff, who proceed to drive giraffe away. It becomes an old woman of garrulous type, who prettily thanks them for their courtesy, but appeals to police for protection. As friendly constable shepherds her through crowd, she incontinently becomes a steam-roller. The crowd dissipates, while the steam-roller calmly changes to a child's perambulator. As the officials approach, this becomes an aeroplane, which rises with soft purring as train bears Buncle away to Preston Park.

IN THE WOOLLY WEST

1 TEN cowboys rounding up cattle for branding into essence; one is used as the brand.

2 Nine cowboys cattle-punching; one is used as the punch.

3 Eight cowboys sitting round the camp-fire; one is used as fuel.

4 Seven cowboys putting on spurs; one is used to test them.

5 Six cowboys forming a settlement; one is used as the settlement.

6 Five cowboys squatting; one is used to squat upon.

7 Four cowboys pegging out a claim; one is used as the peg.

8 Three cowboys playing poker; one is used as the poker.

9 Two cowboys blazing a trail; one is used as the trail.

10 One cowboy poses for a kinematograph. And that is more than sufficient.

THE KINEMATIC GOLF CHAMPIONSHIP

1 BRADE climbing holly-tree to recover lost club. Secretary demurs. It is pointed out that this is exhibition play. Something tears. Exhibition expected. It is only braid. Tailor summoned hastily.

2 Fardon's drive. Fardon the ages now. Its journey well begun. It strikes a toompty. Then rolls on. He holes a five in one.

3 Teeing off the caddy. A spoon shot. A pull. Very hot. A dead stymie. Poor little thing! Humanity prevails. Military honours. Dormy one.

4 Brade haz 'ard luck in a hazard. He digs. "Having no spade, partner?" Bunker replaced by onlookers. Several onlookers replaced in bunker.

5 Casual water. Pulling Fardon out of a well without penalty. One up and the deuce to pay. Brade plays puff-ball in mistake for golf-ball. Bystanders appreciably thinning. Overtaking a foursome. A threesome. Loathesome.

6 The end of the game. Part of the ritual of golf. Panorama of moving figures running off for gin and ginger. The Sunningdale Arms. Arm in arm. Links. Unlinked. "Not stopping this side of Virginia Water."

THREE PROBLEM PLAYS

I.--SHOULD SHE HAVE WORN THEM?

LADY GERTRUDE seated at breakfast table. Eggs, ham, bacon, kidneys, kippers, etc. Lady Gertrude helps herself to all except the last.

Sir Anthony enters late. She glares at him while he seats himself. Butler offers him everything in turn, but each dish is waved away by Lady Gertrude. At last he seizes a kipper on his fork. He takes one bite. It is snatched away by Lady Gertrude and thrown at the cat. He takes a piece of toast, but is unable to secure margarine or marmalade. He breakfasts.

At the front door. Sir Anthony stands waiting. Hunting garb complete, except that he wears black trousers instead of white breeches. A friend arrives on horseback, and indicates, "Coming to the meet in those?" Sir Anthony jerks thumb in direction of Lady Gertrude, and points to his trousers.

(Solution in next week's local paper.)

II.--SHOULD THEY HAVE GONE?

Angelina elopes with Edwin. Angelina's father pursues them, but fails to overtake them until they are married. Angelina's mother arrives and bursts into tears. A snowstorm. No conveyance available except tandem bicycle with sidecar and trailer. Edwin has hired this, and proposes to start directly after lunch. Angelina's father and mother implore. Edwin declines. Angelina is neutral.

Finding, however, that trailer is certain to get unfastened by vibration, and that no one can possibly remain seated in sidecar, Edwin agrees to take passengers. They start. Trailer slips off backwards down long hill. Sidecar falls over precipice.

Edwin and Angelina reach their destination, but find that old birds are missing. Angelina suggests half-heartedly that Edwin should go back and search. Edwin declines. They enter hotel, and live happily ever afterwards.

(Solution in next week's local paper.)

III.--WAS THE PRICE TOO HIGH?

Percy, the millionaire's son and heir. He falls in love with Rebecca, daughter of a multi-millionaire. Percy's father had once been in love with Rebecca's mother. Percy's mother had several times been in love with Rebecca's father. Nobody knew this except the Press.

Percy tells his father of his love-affair. Father is furious. He sends for his lawyer, his will, his banker, and his tobacconist. He tells Percy that if he marries Rebecca, all his money shall go to the Home for Diseased and Incurable Kimonos. Percy asks to be allowed to think it over.

Percy tells Rebecca. Her father declares that when she marries Percy he will give him as a wedding present twenty million dollars. Percy thinks it over. He goes to his father. He makes the grand refusal. "Father, I love her. I will pay your price." His father accordingly alters his will.

(Solution in next week's local paper.)

PEEPS AT THE FORCES DURING THE WAR

I.--WITH THE RED CROSS IN HARI-KARI.

HOW it is done. Making the patient red. Making him cross. The Hospital Orderly. His tenderness. How he treats All My Comrades. Dosing the troops with P.U.O. Surgical instruments being shipped for Hari-Kari. View of Hari-Kari. Interiors.

II.--WITH THE KNUTS IN BRAZIL.

How they grow. The Colonel. His chestnuts. Mrs. Colonel, a hard knut to crack. Company Officer shelling out deferred pay nuts. Other species. Conquerors. Winning the war. Piling up ammunition. Monkeying with shells. The Serjeant-major's aunt Sally. A shy one. Cokernuts. Or cigars.

III.--WITH THE W.A.A.C.'S IN THE WEST

The Waacs' work. Madame Tussaud. Sealing Waacs. Disciplinary action, or whacking the Waac. Toilet waccessories. The honey-comb. Honeymoons. German bees distributing honey. German shells distributing Waacs. The Waacs asleep. Peace at last.

IV.--WITH THE Y.M.C.A. IN MESOPOTAMIA.

The Red Triangle. Making the note-paper. Giving it to the troops. "You had a sheet last week." Making the tea. Tracking the tea-leaf. Searching for sugar. Needing the Nestlé. The piano at work. Ditto in play. In off the red triangle. The motto: "Closed."

V.--WITH THE CHINESE IN CHINGFORD.

The Chinese G.O.C.-in-C., General Meno Savvy. Some of his wives. His pig-tail. His blandness. Chinese sports. An opium den. Faro. Moses. Pulling the Walthamstow. Epping the Zeppelin. Throwing the Leytonstone.

VI.--WITH THE WRENS AT PECKHAM.

Coming through the Rye. Regimental March, "Robin Adair." In Birdcage Walk. Drinking Canary seed. The wings of a squadron. Fluffy. Egging her on. The Nestlé season. Shutting down hatches. Getting the bird.

VII.-WITH THE SCENTINELS AT OPOPONAX.

Picking the buds. A blooming swindle. The smell of the ocean. The smell of Salonika. Catching it hot, Bouquet de Bulgarie. Ottoman olfactives working at a hose. Atta rose. Johann Maria inventing a highly sensitive nose. The lily of the Val de Travers. Fishing for Frangipanni. Back petalling. The Eau B.E.

VIII.--WITH THE DERBYITES IN THE DARDANELLES.

Sighting land. Landing sites. Achi Baba. A close shave. A brush with the machine guns. Napoo. Shampoo. Epsom salts. Up the straits. Round Tattenham Corner. Lighting the K Lighters. Fighting the B Lighters. Turks trotting. Bulgars bulging. Armenians with harmoniums. Cossacks in cassocks. Giving 'em Dardanell.

TALES OF TRAVELLERS

ANANIAS and Sapphira Munchausen plotting to become great explorers. Ananias determines to discover the North Pole. Sapphira insists on finding the South Seas. They finally decide to fit out two expeditions, and to communicate by wireless telephony.

Ananias buys his outfit. He is thin, but when clothed, entire staff cannot get him through doorway. Sleighs. Icepicks. Toothpicks. Thermos flasks. Electric radiators. "Label everything Munchausen, and send to my hotel." Ten pantechnicons convey the goods to hotel.

Sapphira buys her outfit. Five hundred sh! A thousand you know whats. Other garments in proportion. She is much thinner when garbed for her expedition, but chases shop-walker for suggesting a dripping-pan. Ice-cream machines. Hammocks. Palanquins. Canoes. "Label everything Munchausen, and send to my hotel." Twenty-seven pantechnicons convey the goods to hotel.

Street blocked. Hotel refuses to accept delivery. The Munchausens arrive. Goods dumped in doorway. People in hotel cannot get out. Mountaineering parties arranged. One party falls in road, and is run over by traction engine. Other parties entangled in ropes of yet other parties. Lucky blow of ice-pick catches Sapphira in rear.

The start. One small boy on otherwise deserted quay listens to speeches from the two different boats.

Beautiful scenery near North Pole. Ananias unpacks. Large quantities of ladies' light summer clothing. Puts all on, in a rage, and appears on deck. Captain puts him in irons.

Beautiful scenery in South Seas. Sapphira unpacks. Large quantities of Arctic garments. Puts them on, raging, and cannot turn round in cabin. Is hauled on deck by steam crane through skylight. Captain puts her in irons.

Both explorers suddenly remember wireless telephone. Air fuses all along the line. Both ships catch fire. Arrival at port. Boats meeting. Ananias finds affinity and tells the tale. Sapphira finds affinity and tells the tale.

As the boats pass they see one another. Sapphira falls on her affinity's neck. Breaks it. With one scornful glance she throws herself into the sea, swamping a liner with the wash.

Ananias cries out in astonishment, "My wife!" He is thereupon knocked overboard by his affinity. He is washed on to a high cliff by his wife's wash. Sapphira tries to follow. Causes a landslide. They roll in each other's arms to the beach. The boats steam away, while passengers throw everything portable at them and fire at them with syphons and signal guns. Both are left lying.

NEXT WEEK.

ANANIAS AND SAPPHIRA

IN SPORT.

OPINIONS OF THE PRESS.

"Good."--_Athenæum._

"An excellent book for serious thinkers ... showing a thorough grasp of every subject it deals with. What especially pleases us is the absence of all attempt at humour."--_Scotsman._

"Should go far ... as far as possible."--_Church Times._

"The Areopagitica filled a lacuna in English literature which had not previously been noticed. Milton in his blindness saw what others, better equipped with visual organs, had failed to perceive. What was his reward? Is not his monumental work the text-book for all encyclopædists of the Areopagus?... But it is a trifle heavy. Even Q. H. Flaccus opined that it was dulce to desipere in loco. Sometimes one feels the need of a lighter work, which makes a less severe tax on the cerebellular tissue. This is it."--_Daily Telegraph._

"Rotten."--G. S. B. in _Extenso_.

"Teachers will welcome this volume, as it proves clearly how superfluous is the didactician."--_Schoolmaster._

"These scribblers just have got it in once. It eats. They are some shakes."--_American Review._

"Receiving orders daily."--_Stubbs' Gazette.

AFTER THIS YOU WILL WANT

to know why all this nonsense has been written by a supposed Englishman, and why it has ever been published. Yet you will perhaps admit that it is at least

SOMETHING TO TAKE

a common or garden Nursery Rhyme and a rare or hothouse Kinematograph, and weld them together coherently, so as to expose the hidden immorality of the former, and to turn the searchlight of the latter towards Truth. In

AWAY THE

human body is acted upon similarly by such a corrective as Beecham's Pills, which cleanse the system of impurities and so enlighten and enliven all vital functions. It is not bad

TASTE

to make such a comparison, although it sounds something like an advertisement; and it need only be added that a box of the aforesaid Pills is frequently stated to be worth more than half-a-ton of coal, and more than three times as much as a lawyer's pre-war opinion.

PUBLISHERS' ANNOUNCEMENTS.

Messrs. CARPE and DIEM respectfully spring the following list of spring publications.

SPIRITUALISM.

"Bow-wow." By Colley (a posthumous work).

"Charred Embers, or My Excursion to the Other World." By Donum Boyle.

"The Deacon's Arch." By N. Evil Feminine.

TRAGEDY.

"The Great Strike." By the popular author of "The Fight that Failed."

RELIGION.

"Mutual Trust: A Discussion on the ethical and historical Effects of the Interchange of Hats between Bishops and leading Nonconformists." By Professor Keating, LL.D.

"The Modern Man's Bible." Buyer and Muttonley. A ruthless excision of all dogmatic texts, their places being filled by extracts from "Tom Bull."

POETRY.

"Russia, or The Prophet Here." By Fortuna Waugh. A new venture in cheap fiction, published on thin paper suitable for shaving purposes. Price 42_s._ net.

"Did he?" By Jove.

HORTICULTURE.

"Foxe's Book of Tomatoes." Revised and authoritative edition.

THE MELTICOOKER

Breakfast, Lunch, Tea, Dinner, Supper, and Accounts, all cooked at once.

IT JUST WON'T BATH BABY.

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If you are landed in the soup see that it bears our trade-mark. Popular with politicians. Send for our Blue-Book.

TUREEN, WITH LIFE-BELT, GIVEN AWAY to every purchaser.

THE ARMY IRONMONGERY STORES

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No security. We show great interest.

Absolute secrecy.

Even your left hand will not know what your note of hand commits you to.

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A THOUGHT FOR TO-DAY

It is well known that diseases of various kinds are contracted by frequenting crowded theatres. Try our Scentrifugal Drops and stand alone. Powerful, effective. No one can approach our success. You score three for a clear board. Attendants powerless.

THE HOUSING PROBLEM SOLVED

Tin Tanks for Tommies. Discharged Soldiers should write to us for list of model dwellings in corrugated iron. Sent in sections on the instalment system. You pay one shilling and receive one chimney. Your next shilling secures the roof; the next the chicken-run; and so on. A child can erect or dismantle. (Inset, child dismantling at inopportune moment.)

* * * * *

Transcriber's Notes:

Punctuation errors repaired.

Page 38, "absoletely" changed to "absolutely" (absolutely used up)