Chapter 4

_discovered writing at an office table. A few papers and parchments, &c._

_O'Dedimus._ There! I think I've expressed my meaning quite plainly, (_reads_) "Farmer Flail, I'm instructed by lord Austencourt, your landlord, to inform you, by word of letter, that if you can't afford to pay the additional rent for your farm, you must turn out." I think that's clear enough. "As to your putting in the plea of a large family, we cannot allow that as a set off; because, when a man can't afford to support seven children with decency, he ought not to trouble himself to get them." I think that's plain English.

"Your humble servant, "CORNELIUS O'DEDIMUS, "Attorney at law.

"P.S. You may show this letter to his lordship, to convince him I have done my duty; but as I don't mean one word of it, if you'll come to me privately, I'll see what can be done for you, without his knowing any thing of the matter," and I think _that's_ plain English.

_Enter_ gamekeeper _with a_ countryman _in custody._

_O'Ded._ Well, friend, and what are you?

_Countryman._ I be's a poacher: so my lord's gamekeeper here do say.

_O'Ded._ A poacher! Faith that's honest.

_Gamekeeper._ I caught him before day-light on the manor. I took away his gun and shot his dog.

_O'Ded._ That was bravely done. So, you must pamper your long stomach with pheasants and partridges, and be damned to ye! Will you prefer paying five pounds now, or three month's hard labour in the house of correction?

_Countrym._ Thank ye, sir, I don't prefer either, sir.

_O'Ded._ You must go before the justice. He'll exhort you, and commit ye.

_Countrym._ Ees, I do know that _extortion_ and _commission_, and such like, be the office of the justice; but I'll have a bit of law, please punch. He ha' killed my poor dog, that I loved like one o' my own children, and I've gotten six of 'em, Lord bless 'em.

_O'Ded._ Six dogs!

_Countrym._ Dogs! No, children, mun.

_O'Ded._ Six children! Och, the fruitful sinner!

_Countrym._ My wife be a pains-taking woman, sir. We ha' had this poor dog from a puppy.

_O'Ded._ Shut your ugly mouth, you babbler.--Six children! Oh! we must make an example of this fellow. An't I the village lawyer? and an't I the terror of all the rogues of the parish? (_aside to him._) You must plead "not guilty."

_Countrym._ But I tell you, if that be guilt, I _be_ guilty.

_O'Ded._ Why, you blundering booby, if you plead guilty, how will I ever be able to prove you innocent?

_Countrym._ Guilty or innocent, I'll have the law of him, by gum. He has shot my poor old mongrel, and taken away my musket; and I've lost my day's drilling, and I'll make him pay for it.

_O'Ded._ A mongrel and a musket! by St. Patrick, Mr. Gamekeeper, and you have nately set your foot in it.

_Gamekeeper._ Why, sir, its a bad affair, sir. 'Twas so dark, I couldn't see; and when I discovered my mistake, I offered him a shilling to make it up, and he refused it.

_O'Ded._ (_aside to gamekeeper._) Harkye, Mr. Gamekeeper; he has one action against ye for his dog, and another for false imprisonment. (_aloud_) I love to see the laws enforced with justice: (_aside_) but I'll always help a poor man to stand up against oppression. (_to gamekeeper_) He has got you on the hip, and so go out and settle it between yourselves, and do _you_ take care of yourself: (_to countryman_) and do _you_ make the best of your bargain. [_Exeunt._

Parish officer _brings forward the_ sailor.

_Officer._ Here's a vagrant. I found him begging without a pass.

_O'Ded._ Take him before his worship directly. The sturdy rogue ought to be punished.

_Sailor._ Please your honour, I'm a sailor.

_O'Ded._ And if you're a sailor, an't you ashamed to own it? A begging sailor is a disgrace to an honourable profession, for which the country has provided an asylum as glorious as it is deserved.

_Sailor._ Why so it has: but I an't bound for Greenwich yet.

_O'Ded._ (_aside to him._) Why, you're disabled, I see.

_Sailor._ Disabled! What for? Why I've only lost _one_ arm yet. Bless ye, I'm no beggar. I was going to see my Nancy, thirty miles further on the road, and meeting some old messmates, we had a cann o' grog together. One cann brought on another, and then we got drinking the king's health, and the navy, and then _this_ admiral, and then _t'other_ admiral, till at last we had so many gallant heroes to drink, that we were all drunk afore we came to the reckoning; so, your honour, as my messmates had none of the rhino, I paid all; and then, you know, they had a long journey upwards, and no biscuit aboard; so I lent one a little, and another a little, till at last I found I had no coin left in my locker for myself, except a cracked teaster that Nancy gave me; and I couldn't spend that, you know, though I had been starving.

_O'Ded._ And so you begged!

_Sailor._ Begged! no. I just axed for a bit of bread and a mug o' water. That's no more than one Christian ought to give another, and if you call that begging, why I beg to differ in opinion.

_O'Ded._ According to the act you are a vagrant, and the justice may commit ye; (_aside to the officer_) lookye, Mr. Officer--you're in the wrong box here. Can't you see plain enough, by his having lost an arm, that he earns a livelihood by the work of his hands; so lest he should be riotous for being detained, let me advise you to be off. I'll send him off after you with a flea in his ear--the other way.

_Officer._ Thank ye, sir, thank ye. I'm much obliged to you for your advice, sir, and shall take it, and so my service to you. [_Exit._

_O'Ded._ Take this my honest lad; (_gives money_) say nothing about it, and give my service to Nancy.

_Sailor._ Why now, heaven bless you honour forever; and if ever you're in distress, and I'm within sight of signals, why hang out your blue lights; and if I don't bear down to your assistance, may my gun be primed with damp powder the first time we fire a broadside at the enemy. [_Exit._

O'Dedimus _rings a bell._

_O'Ded._ Ponder! Now will this fellow be thinking and thinking, till he quite forgets what he's doing. Ponder, I say! (_enter Ponder._) Here, Ponder, take this letter to farmer Flail's, and if you see Mrs. Muddle, his neighbour, give my love and duty to her.

_Ponder._ Yes, yes, sir; but at that moment, sir, I was immersed in thought, if I may be allowed the expression; I was thinking of the vast difference between love and law, and yet how neatly you've spliced them together in your last instructions to your humble servant, Peter Ponder, clerk.--Umph!

_O'Ded._ Umph! is that your manners, you bear-garden? Will I never be able to larn you to behave yourself? Study _me_, and talk like a gentleman, and be damn'd to ye.

_Ponder._ I study the law; I can't talk it.

_O'Ded._ Cant you? Then you'll never do. If your tongue don't run faster than your client's, how will you ever be able to bother him, you booby?

_Ponder._ I'll draw out his case; he shall read, and he'll bother himself.

_O'Ded._ You've a notion. Mind my instructions, and I don't despair of seeing you at the bar one day. Was that copy of a writ sarved yesterday upon Garble, the tailor?

_Ponder._ Aye.

_O'Ded._ And sarve him right too. That's a big rogue, that runs in debt wid his eyes open, and though he has property, refuses to pay. Is he safe?

_Ponder._ He was bailed by Swash the brewer.

_O'Ded._ And was the other sarved on Shuttle, the weaver?

_Ponder._ Aye.

_O'Ded._ Who bailed him?

_Ponder._ Nobody. He's gone to jail.

_O'Ded._ Gone to jail! Why _his_ poverty is owing to misfortune. He can't pay. Well, that's not our affair. The law must have its course.

_Ponder._ So Shuttle said to his wife, as she hung crying on his shoulder.

_O'Ded._ That's it; he's a sensible man; and that's more than his wife is. We've nothing to do with women's tears.

_Ponder._ Not a bit. So they walked him off to jail in a jiffey, if I may be allowed the expression.

_O'Ded._ To be sure, and that was right. They did their duty: though for sartin, if a poor man can't pay his debts when he's at liberty, he wont be much nearer the mark when he's shut up in idleness in a prison.

_Ponder._ No.

_O'Ded._ And when he that sent them there comes to make up his last account, 'tis my belief that he wont be able to show cause why a bill shouldn't be filed against him for barbarity. Are the writings all ready for sir Rowland?

_Ponder._ All ready. Shall I now go to farmer Flail's with the letter?

_O'Ded._ Aye, and if you see Shuttle's wife in your way, give my service to her; and d'ye hear, as you're a small talker, don't let the little you say be so cursed crabbed; and if a few kind words of comfort should find their way from your heart to your tongue, don't shut your ugly mouth, and keep them within your teeth. You may tell her that if she can find any body to stand up for her husband, I shan't be over nice about the sufficiency of the bail. Get you gone.

_Ponder_ I shall. Let me see! farmer Flail--Mrs. Muddle, his neighbour--Shuttle's wife--and a whole string of messages and memorandums--here's business enough to bother the brains of any ordinary man! You are pleased to say, sir, that I am too much addicted to thinking--I think _not_. [_Exit Ponder._

_O'Ded._ By my soul, if an attorney wasn't sometimes a bit of a rogue, he'd never be able to earn an honest livelihood. Oh Mr. O'Dedimus! why have you so little when your heart could distribute so much!

Sir Rowland, _without_.

_Sir Row._ Mr. O'Dedimus--within there!

_O'Ded._ Yes, I'm within there.

_Enter_ sir Rowland.

_Sir Row._ Where are these papers? I thought the law's delay was only felt by those who could not pay for its expedition.

_O'Ded._ The law, sir Rowland, is a good horse, and his pace is slow and sure; but he goes no faster because you goad him with a golden spur; but every thing is prepared, sir; and now, sir Rowland, I have an ugly sort of an awkward affair to mention to you.

_Sir Row._ Does it concern _me_?

_O'Ded._ You know, sir Rowland, at the death of my worthy friend, the late lord Austencourt, you were left sole executor and guardian to his son, the present lord, then an infant of three years of age.

_Sir Row._ What does this lead to? (_starting_)

_O'Ded._ With a disinterested view to benefit the estate of the minor, who came of age the other day, you some time ago embarked a capital of 14,000l. in a great undertaking.

_Sir Row._ Proceed.

_O'Ded._ I have this morning received a letter from the agent, stating the whole concern to have failed, the partners to be bankrupts, and the property consigned to assignees not to promise, as a final dividend, more than one shilling in the pound. This letter will explain the rest.

_Sir Row._ How! I was not prepared for this--What's to be done?

_O'Ded._ When one loses a sum of money that isn't one's own, there's but one thing to be done.

_Sir Row._ And what is that?

_O'Ded._ To pay it back again.

_Sir Row._ You know that to be impossible, utterly impossible.

_O'Ded._ Then, sir Rowland, take the word of _Cornelius O'Dedimus_, attorney at law, his lordship will rigidly exact the money, to the uttermost farthing.

_Sir Row._ You are fond, sir, of throwing out these hints to his disadvantage.

_O'Ded._ I am bold to speak it--I am possessed of a secret, sir Rowland, in regard to his lordship.

_Sir Row._ (_alarmed._) What is it you mean?

_O'Ded._ I thought I told you it was a _secret_.

_Sir Row._ But to me you should have no secrets that regard my family.

_O'Ded._ With submission, sir Rowland, his lordship is my client, as well as yourself, and I have learned from the practice of the courts, that an attorney who blabs in his business has soon no suit to his back.

_Sir Row._ But this affair, perhaps, involves my deepest interest--my character--my all is at stake.

_O'Ded._ Have done wid your pumping now--d'ye think I am a basket full of cinders, that I'm to be sifted after this fashion?

_Sir Row._ Answer but this--does it relate to Charles, my son?

_O'Ded._ Sartinly, the young gentleman has a small bit of interest in the question.

_Sir Row._ One thing more. Does it allude to a transaction which happened some years ago--am I a principal concerned in it?

_O'Ded._ Devil a ha'porth--it happened only six months past.

_Sir R._ Enough--I breathe again.

_O'Ded._ I'm glad of that, for may-be you'll now let me breathe to tell you that as I know lord Austencourt's private character better than you do, my life to a bundle of parchment, he'll even arrest ye for the money.

_Sir R._ Impossible, he cannot be such a villain!

_Abel Grouse._ (_without_) What ho! is the lawyer within?

_Sir Row._ Who interrupts us?

_O'Ded._ 'Tis the strange man that lives on the common--his name is Abel Grouse--he's coming up.

_Sir R._ I'll wait till you dismiss him, for I cannot encounter any one at present. Misfortunes crowd upon me; and one act of guilt has drawn the vengeance of Heaven on my head, and will pursue me to the grave. [_Exit to an inner room._

_O'Ded._ Och! if a small gale of adversity blows up such a storm as this, we shall have a pretty hurricane by and by, when you larn a little more of your hopeful nephew, and see his new matrimonial scheme fall to the ground, like buttermilk through a sieve.

_Enter_ Abel Grouse.

_Abel Grouse._ Now, sir, you are jackall, as I take it, to lord Austencourt.

_O'Ded._ I am his man of business, sure enough; but didn't hear before of my promotion to the office you mention.

_Ab. Gr._ You are possessed of all his secret deeds.

_O'Ded._ That's a small mistake--I have but one of them, and that's the deed of settlement on Miss Helen Worret, spinster.

_Ab. Gr._ Leave your quibbling, sir, and speak plump to the point--if habit hasn't hardened your heart, and given a system to your knavery, answer me this: lord Austencourt has privately married my daughter?

_O'Ded._ Hush!

_Ab. Gr._ You were a witness.

_O'Ded._ Has any body told you that thing?

_Ab. Gr._ Will you deny it?

_O'Ded._ Will you take a friend's advice?

_Ab. Gr._ I didn't come for advice. I came to know if you will confess the fact, or whether you are villain enough to conceal it.

_O'Ded._ Have done wid your bawling--sir Rowland's in the next room!

_Ab. Gr._ Is he? then sir Rowland shall hear me--Sir Rowland!--he shall see my daughter righted--Ho there! Sir Rowland!

_O'Ded._ (_aside_) Here'll be a devil of a dust kicked up presently about the ears of Mr. Cornelius O'Dedimus, attorney at law!

_Enter_ Sir Rowland.

_Sir Row._ Who calls me?

_Ab. Gr._ 'Twas I!

_Sir Row._ What is it you want, friend?

_Ab. Gr._ Justice!

_Sir Row._ Justice! then you had better apply there, (_pointing to O'Dedimus._)

_Ab. Gr._ That's a mistake--he deals only in _law_--'tis to you that I appeal--Your nephew, lord Austencourt, is about to marry the daughter of sir Willoughby Worret.

_Sir Row._ He is.

_Ab. Gr._ Never! I will save him the guilt of that crime at least!

_Sir Row._ You are mysterious, sir.

_Ab. Gr._ Perhaps I am. Briefly, your nephew is privately married to my daughter--this man was present at their union--will you see justice done me, and make him honourably proclaim his wife?

_Sir Row._ Your tale is incredible, sir--it is sufficient, however, to demand attention, and I warn you, lest by your folly you rouse an indignation that may crush you.

_Ab. Gr._ Hear me, proud man, while I warn _you_! My daughter is the lawful wife of lord Austencourt--double is the wo to me that she _is_ his wife: but as it is so, he shall publicly acknowledge her--to you I look for justice and redress--see to it, sir, or I shall speedily appear in a new character, with my wrongs in my hand, to hurl destruction on you. [_Exit._

_Sir Row._ What does the fellow mean?

_O'Ded._ That's just what I'm thinking--

_Sir Row._ _You_, he said, was privy to their marriage.

_O'Ded._ Bless ye, the man's mad!

_Sir Row._ Ha! you said you had a secret respecting my nephew.

_O'Ded._ Sir, if you go on so, you'll bother me!

_Sir Row._ The fellow must be silenced--can you not contrive some means to rid us of his insolence?

_O'Ded._ Sir, I shall do my duty, as my duty should be done, by Cornelius O'Dedimus, attorney at law.

_Sir Row._ My nephew must not hear of this accursed loss--be secret on that head, I charge you! but in regard to this man's bold assertion, I must consult him instantly--haste and follow me to his house.

_O'Ded._ Take me wid ye, sir; for this is such a dirty business, that I'll never be able to go through it unless you show me the way. [_Exeunt._

_End of act I._