Part 3

[5] Mr. Jonathan Stubbs retired from business long before he reached his grand climacteric, to his country house at Newington Butts, with the solid dignity of at least half a plum. What length of years might have been in store for him, if he had regularly taken Dr. James's analeptic pills, it is impossible to say; but not doing so, he had occasion to send the coachman one night for an ounce of Epsom salts. They proved to be oxalic acid; and stomach-pumps not being then in existence, there was an inevitable termination to the existence of Mr. Stubbs. An "extraordinary sensation," as the newspapers have it, was produced in Newington Butts by this dreadful catastrophe.

His education had not been neglected; that is to say, his father sent him, at nine years old, to one of those suburban seminaries for "_young gentlemen_," usually kept by elderly gentlemen, who know what it is to have been deprived of similar advantages in their own youth. They feel, therefore, a laudable gratification in enabling the rising generation to pluck some of that fruit from the tree of knowledge which they themselves never tasted at all. Here he remained till he was nearly seventeen; and here he acquired a little French, a little Greek, a little Latin, a little mathematics, a little logic, and a little geography, "with the use of the globes." In short, he brought away with him a little learning, for the obtaining of which his father had not paid a little money. He subsequently enlarged his Lilliputian stock of ideas, by assiduously prosecuting his studies at home, three days a-week, and three hours a-day, when he was attended by masters in elocution, Italian, boxing, fencing, and the other sciences. This eager cultivation of his mind he pursued till he was two and twenty, and then took his station in about the third degree of fashionable society, as a scholar and a man of taste. His father had determined he should be a _gentleman_, and therefore very properly guarded against the "anachronism," as he used to call it, of giving him a profession. It is believed, (at least it has been inculcated,) that there exists, in every human mind, a master, or ruling passion--a predominating inclination towards some particular object or pursuit. Mr. Henry Augustus Constantine Stubbs, was in this respect, as well as in many others, like the rest of his species. He had _his_ ruling passion, and, but that his father had made him a GENTLEMAN, he was sure nature had intended him for the Roscius of his age. From his earliest childhood, when he used to recite, during the Christmas holidays, "_Pity the sorrows of a poor old man_," and astonish his father's porter (who had a turn that way himself) with his knowing, _all by heart_, "My name is Norval, on the Grampian hills,"--to his more matured efforts of, "Most potent, grave, and reverend signiors," or, "My liege, I did deny no prisoners,"--the idea of being an actor had constantly fascinated his imagination.

It was a natural consequence of this theatrical ardour, that Mr. Stubbs eagerly cultivated the acquaintance of tragedians, comedians, managers, and dramatic writers. It was his supreme delight to have them at his table; and as he kept a good table, gave good wines, and excelled in his _cuisine_, it was a delight he could command whenever he chose. He had the _entre_, also, of the green-room at both theatres, and acquired an intimate knowledge of all the feuds, rivalries, managerial oppressions, intrigues, burlesque dignity, and solemn plausibilities, of that mimic world. Living thus in an atmosphere electrical, as it were, with excitement, it is no wonder that, by degrees, he became less and less sensitive with regard to that ambiguous difficulty which had hitherto impeded the gratification nearest his heart.

It happened one morning while Mr. Stubbs was sipping his chocolate and reading, in the Morning Post, a criticism upon a new tragedy which had been most righteously damned the night before, that his intimate friend Mr. Peaess, the manager of ---- theatre dropped in. After the usual salutations were exchanged, and Mr. Peaess had remarked that it was a fine morning, and Mr. Stubbs had added that it was a windy one, Mr. Stubbs fell into a brown study. His mind laboured with a gigantic purpose. It was a moment on which hung indescribable consequences.--Shall I? Will he? Yes!--yes!--And he did! He imparted to his friend, the manager, his resolution to make his FIRST APPEARANCE. He fixed upon Hamlet, chiefly because the character was so admirably diversified by Shakspeare, that it presented opportunities for the display of an equal diversity of talent in its representative.

He made no secret of his intention among his friends, and one, in particular, was privy to his whole course of preparation. This was Mr. McCrab, a pungent little personage, whose occasional petulance and acrimony, however they might rankle and fester in more sensitive natures, were never known to curdle the bland consciousness of self-esteem which dwelt, like a perpetual spring, upon the mind of Mr. Stubbs. Mr. McCrab was himself an amateur actor; he had also written a tolerably successful comedy, as well as an unsuccessful tragedy; and he was, besides, a formidable critic, whose scalping strictures, in a weekly journal, were the terror of all authors and actors who were either unable or unwilling to dispense turtle and champagne.

Mr. Stubbs, it should be mentioned, considered himself a profound reader of Shakspeare, and believed he had discovered many hitherto concealed beauties in the wonderful productions of that writer. He prided himself, too, upon the critical acumen and philosophical penetration with which he had elicited various qualities intended by the poet to belong to his characters; and he had often said if he had been an actor he should have established quite a new method of playing several of them. He was now about to become an actor, and he resolved, in his very first essay, to introduce one of his novelties, or new readings. What this was, will be best explained in the following conversation, which took place between himself and Mr. McCrab upon the subject.

"Depend upon it, my dear McCrab," said Stubbs, taking down a volume of Shakspeare from his shelves, "depend upon it, I am borne out in my opinion, novel as it is, by the text of the immortal author himself; and I shall _stuff_ the character when I play it. I maintain Hamlet ought to be"----"A Falstaff in little, I suppose," interrupted McCrab. "No," rejoined Stubbs, "he should not be exactly corpulent--but rather _embonpoint_, as the saying is--sleek--plumpish--in good condition as it were."

"You talk of the text of Shakspeare as your authority," replied McCrab,--"I will appeal to the text too--and I will take the description of Hamlet by Ophelia, after her interview with him. What is her language?

'Oh what a noble mind is here o'erthrown! The expectancy and rose of the fair state: The _glass_ of _fashion_ and the _mould_ of _form_, The _observed_ of all _observers_.'

This eulogium paints in distinct colours what should be the personation of Hamlet on the stage. It demands, not a little fellow, five feet five, by three feet four, as you will be, if you _stuff_ the character as you call it, but rather what Hamlet himself describes his father to have been,

'A combination, and a form indeed. Where every god did seem to set his seal, To give the world assurance of a man.'"

"Never mind my height," said Stubbs, elevating his head, and raising his chin an inch or two out of his neckcloth.--"Garrick, you know, was none so tall; and yet I fancy he was considered a tolerably good actor in his day. But you remember the lines of Charles Churchill,

'There are, who think the stature all in all, Nor like a hero if he is not tall. The feeling sense all other wants supplies-- I rate no actor's merit from his size. Superior height requires superior grace, And what's a giant with a vacant face?'"

"Very true," answered McCrab, "and, to follow up your theory, were I asked, what is an actor? I should answer,

''Tis he who gives my breast a thousand pains: Can make me _feel_ each passion that he _feigns_; Enrage, compose with more than magic art,-- With pity and with horror tear my heart.'

But, come; let me hear your reasons for believing that Hamlet ought to be a portly gentleman. I see you are ready with them."

"I am," said Stubbs, "and I'll bet the receipts of the house, on my first appearance, against those of your next comedy, that I convince you I am right before I have done. Now, mark,--or, as Horatio says,

'Season your admiration for awhile, With an attent ear, till I may deliver, Upon the witness of these same pages, This marvel to you.'

Ha! ha! that is apt," continued Mr. Stubbs, with a simper.

"For God's love, let me hear," added McCrab--"I hope that's apt too."

"If," said Mr. Stubbs, looking exceedingly grave, "if, I say, we take the first soliloquy of Hamlet--almost the first words he utters--we shall find a striking allusion to his habit of body; and not only shall we be struck by the allusion, but, I contend, the whole force and meaning of the passage are lost, unless the speaker can lay his hands upon a goodly paunch, as he exclaims,

'Oh! that this _too too solid flesh_ would melt. Thaw, and resolve itself into a dew.'

We are not to suppose Hamlet speaks metaphorically, but physically; and his corporeal appearance should be an illustration of his words. He is already weary of the world--he wishes to die--but 'the Everlasting has fixed his canon against _self_-slaughter,' and, therefore, he prays for natural dissolution, by any wasting disease, which may 'thaw' and dissolve his 'too too solid flesh.' This, perhaps, you will consider merely conjectural criticism: plausible, but not demonstrative. I own it has a higher character in my eyes; and, unless I am greatly mistaken, even the ghost of his own father glances at his adipose tendency, when he says,

'I find thee apt But duller shouldst thou be than the fat weed That roots itself in ease on Lethe's wharf, Wouldst thou not stir in this.'

That is, according to my reading, 'fat as thou art, thou wouldst be duller than the fat weed of Lethe if you did not bestir yourself in this business.' Observe, too, with what propriety Shakspeare has here employed the word 'stir,' it being a well-known fact that corpulent persons have a strong disinclination to locomotion. And Hamlet himself, (in his interview with _Rosencrantz_ and _Guildenstern_,) makes a pointed allusion to the indolence and lethargy which so commonly accompany obesity. 'I have of late,' he says, 'but wherefore I know not, _lost all my mirth_, foregone all _custom of exercises_, and, indeed, it goes so _heavily_ with my disposition,' &c. &c. Now what is this, I would fain know, if it be not the natural complaint of a man suffering under the oppression of too much flesh? or, as he afterwards expresses it, with another allusion to his fatness, 'to _grunt_ and _sweat_, under a weary life?' You have quoted the language of Ophelia in support of the common notions with regard to the personation of this character; but you forget the remarkable expression she uses when describing to her father the unexpected visit of 'Lord Hamlet,' while she was 'sewing in her closet:

'At last, a little shaking of mine arm, And thrice his head thus waving up and down, He raised a sigh so piteous and profound, As it did seem to shatter all _his_ bulk, And end his being.'

What say you to this?--_His_ bulk! The sigh was so profound, that it seemed to shatter even _his_ bulk! I fancy I might rest my case here, and win my wager, eh? But I am too skilful a general to throw away my strength at the beginning of a battle. If I have not already beaten you from your last strong hold--from your last defence--I have a _corps de reserve_, which will at once decide the victory. You remember the concluding scene, I suppose--the fencing bout between Hamlet and Laertes? What do you think of the following little bit of dialogue?

'_Laertes_.--A touch--a touch,--I do confess. _King_.--Our son shall win. _Queen_.--He's fat and scant of breath. Here, Hamlet, take my napkin--rub thy brows ----Come, let me wipe thy face!'

Do you not imagine you see the pursy Prince, purring and blowing and sweating with the exertion he had made, and 'larding the lean earth,' like another Falstaff almost? Nay, the very words, 'Come let me wipe thy face,' are addressed by Doll Tearsheet to Falstaff, when he was heated by his pursuit of Pistol:--'Alas, poor ape, how thou sweatest! Come, let me wipe thy face.' Hem!" (quoth Mr. Henry Augustus Constantine Stubbs) "I have done--and pause for a reply."

"You'll be horribly laughed at," said McCrab, "if you do make Hamlet a fat little fellow."

"Shall I?" exclaimed Stubbs, with a contented chuckle, and rubbing his hands "shall I be horribly laughed at?"

"Ay," replied McCrab, "and gloriously gibbetted the next day, in all the papers, for your Sancho Panza exhibition."

"Pooh!" ejaculated Stubbs, "pooh! pooh! what care I for the rascally papers? Don't I know what sort of critics they are who guide the public taste, and fulminate their mighty WE in the columns of a newspaper."

(_To be concluded in our next._)

* * * * *

LONDON LYRICS.

THE AUCTIONEER'S ODE TO MERCURY.

_Air.--A German Bravura._

Hermes, god of cheats and chatter, Wave thy smooth caduceus here-- Now that, pulpit-propp'd, I flatter; Hermes, god of cheats and chatter, Smile, oh smile on Mr. Smatter, Aid an humble Auctioneer! Wave thy smooth caduceus here, O'er an humble Auctioneer! With its virtues tip my hammer, Model my Grammar, Nor let me stammer.

First, here's Sackbut's Song of Slaughter; Verse and prose, the Laureat Otter, Floats along, diluting song In milk and water. Next (who'll buy?) here's Love in Little, Smooth as glass and eke as brittle; Here are posies, lilies, roses, Cupid's slumbers--out in numbers, Pouting, fretting, fly-not-yetting, Rosa's lip and Rosa's sign-- For one pound six--who'll buy, who'll buy? Here's Doctor Aikin, Sims on Baking, Booth in Cato quoting Plato, Jacob Tonson, Doctor Johnson, Russia binding, touch and try-- Nothing bid--who'll buy, who'll buy? Here's Mr. Hayley, Doctor Paley, Arthur Murphy, Tommy Durfey, Mrs. Trimmer's little Primer, Buckram binding, touch and try-- Nothing bid--who'll buy, who'll buy? Here's Colley Cibber, Bruce the fibber, Plays of Cherry, ditto Merry, Tickle, Mickle, When I bow and when I wriggle, With a simper and a giggle, Ears regaling, bidders nailing, Ladies utter in a flutter-- "Mister Smatter, how you chatter, Dear, how clever! well, I never Heard so eloquent a man!"

Tropes purloining, graces coining, Glibly I, without repentance, Clip each sentence. But, to give each lot its station, Ere from pulpit I dismount God of recapitulation, Hermes, aid me while I count-- Aikin, Baking, Cato, Plato, Cibber, Fibber--Cherry, Merry, Hayley, Paley--Secker, Decker, Tickle, Mickle--Tonson, Johnson, Literary Caliban. Forty-seven! Oh, far too thrifty-- Thank'ee, Ma'am--two places--fifty! Must it go? oh, surely no! Only eye me, then deny me. When I bow and when I wriggle, With a simper and a giggle, Ears regaling, bidders nailing, Ladies utter in a flutter-- "Mister Smatter, how you chatter-- Dear, how clever! well, I never Heard so eloquent a man!" Tongue of Mentor, lungs of Stentor, Hermes, thou hast made mine own. Cox and Robins own, with sobbings, I'm the winner; Dyke and Skinner Never caught so glib a tone. Dull and misty, Squibb and Christie, When I mount look pale and wan-- Going, going, going--gone!

_New Monthly Magazine_.

* * * * *

SPIRIT OF DISCOVERY.

* * * * *

_Altitude of certain Buildings_.

metres. The highest Pyramid in Egypt- - - - - - - - - - - -146 The Cathedral at Anvers - - - - - - - - - - - - - 144 The Cathedral at Strasburg - - - - - - - - - - - - 142 The Steeple of St. Stephen, at Vienna, (Austria) - 138 The Steeple of St. Martin, at Landshut - - - - - - 137 St. Peter's, at Rome - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -132 The Steeple of St. Michael, at Hamboro' - - - - - 130.5 The Steeple of St. Peter, at Hamboro' - - - - - - 119 St. Paul's Cathedral, at London - - - - - - - - - 109.7 The Cathedral of Ulm - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -109.4 The Cathedral of Milan - - - - - - - - - - - - - 109 The Tower of the Asinelli, at Bologna - - - - - - 107 The Dome of the Invalids, at Paris - - - - - - - - 105 The Cathedral of Magdebourg - - - - - - - - - - - -101.6 The Cupola of the Pantheon, at Paris - - - - - - - 79 The Balustrade of Notre Dame, at Paris - - - - - - 66 The metre is 39.37 inches.--_From the French_.

_Prevention of Fire in Theatres_.

In consequence of the frequent occurrence of fires in theatres, particular precautions have been taken with the theatre of the Port St. Martin, at Paris. A thick wall of hewn stone separates the audience part from the scenic part of the house; all the doors in it are of iron, and may be shut instantly, in case of fire; finally, the insulation of the spectators from the stage is made perfect by means of a screen of plates of iron, which falls down before the stage. This screen, which weighs between 1,200 and 1,300 pounds, is easily worked by two men, and slides up and down upon guides, so as readily to take its place. Besides these precautions, reservoirs of water are established in the roof, which may be connected, when necessary, with vessels of compressed air, and made to throw a powerful jet over a very large part of the building.--_French Paper_.

_Tanning_.

A tanner, named Rapedius, of Bern Castel, on the Moselle, has discovered a new species of tan proper for dressing leather. It is the plant known by the name of Bilberry or Whortleberry, (Vaccinium Myrtilus or Myrtillis,) which should be gathered in spring, because at this season it dries more readily, and is more easily ground. Three pounds and a half of this tan suffice for dressing a pound of leather, while six pounds are required from the oak to produce the same effect. By this new process, tanners can gain four months out of the time required for preparing strong leather. A commission having been appointed at Treves to examine the leather so prepared, reported, that they had never seen any as good, and that every pair of shoes made therefrom lasts two months more than what are manufactured from common leather; that the skin of the neck, which it is difficult to work, becomes strong and elastic like that of the other parts. The shrub should not be pulled up, but cut with a bill, to obtain the reproduction of the plant the following year. When cut, damp does not deteriorate it, which is not the case with oak bark, which loses ten per cent. of its value by being wetted.--_From the French_.

_Spiders_.

It would be very interesting to know whether the gossamer threads thrown out by these insects are in an excited state of electricity: their divergent state would seem to imply they were; for there seems to be no other natural cause which could prevent them from coming together, especially before the insect had left its resting-place. If electric, then neighbouring bodies, as the hand or branches of a tree, or a stick, &c., would attract them; but care would be required in making the experiment, from the readiness with which these threads would move upon disturbance of the air. If electric, then it would be important to know whether they were positive or negative; which their attraction, or repulsion, by a stick of sealing-wax, rubbed on the sleeve of a coat, would at once determine. It is well known that these threads are almost perfect insulators of electricity, and would retain a charged state for a long time in a dry sunny atmosphere.--_Brande's Journal_.

_Method of obtaining Roses of all kinds twice in the Year_.

The following directions, by M. Douette Richardot, are to enable the amateur to gather as fine roses in September as he did in the preceding June:--1. Immediately after the first flowering, the shrub is to be deprived of every leaf, and those branches which have borne roses cut so that only two or three buds shall remain. The cutting of the weaker branches may be in a less degree. If the weather be dry when the leaves are removed, it will be necessary to thoroughly water the stem, for several days, with the rose of the watering-pot: in this way the sap will not be arrested. 2. Then the brush is to be used, and the rose tree well cleansed by it, so that all mouldiness shall disappear: this operation is very easy after an abundant rain. 3. The earth about the rose tree is to be disturbed, and then twenty-four sockets of calves' feet are to be placed in the earth round the stem, and about four inches distant from it. The hoofs of young calves are the best, and give a vivid colour and agreeable perfume to the roses. These are to be placed with the points downwards, so that the cups shall be nearly level with the surface of the earth, and the plant well surrounded. This operation is to be repeated in the November following. These hoofs, dissolved by the rain or the waterings, form an excellent manure, which hastens the vegetation, and determines the reproduction of flowers. 4. Two waterings per week will suffice in ordinary weather, and they should be made with the rose of the watering-pot, so that the hoofs may be filled; but, if the atmosphere is dry, it will be necessary to water the plants every evening; and in the latter case it will be necessary, from time to time, to direct the stream of water on to the head of the tree.--_From the French_.

_American Sea-Serpent_.

Mr. Samuel Mitchell has, in his "Summary of the Progress of Natural Science for the last few Years," given an amusing account of the progress of sea-serpentism. It was read before the New York Lyceum, and is inserted in the American Journal of Science, although not thought conclusive by its learned editor, Dr. Silliman. The first sea-serpent was a steam-boat, which, being established at Boston to coast along the shore, and from its powers and capabilities competent to injure the business of small boats, was described as a sea-serpent that had been seen off Nahant and Gloucester, and had probably come there to consume all the small fish in the place. This was received by many as a serious account, and believed accordingly.

Another sea-serpent history arose from the circumstance, that a small sloop, called the Sea-Serpent, having been passed by another vessel, the captain of the latter, when asked, upon his arrival at home, for news, said he had seen a sea-serpent, and then described its bunches on the back, the action of its tail, and other parts; all of which being understood literally, actually appeared in print, as evidence for the existence of the animal.

Then a piece of the skin of the bony scaled pike was taken for part of a sea-serpent's hide. A speckled mother duck, with a numerous brood of young ones swimming after her in a line on Lake Ontario, was described as the sea-serpent itself. And from such occurrences as these, perhaps, mingled with careless observation of the motions and appearances of porpuses, basking sharks, and balaenopterous whales, appears to have originated every thing that has been said about American sea-serpents.--_Brande's Jour_.

* * * * *

THE GATHERER.

A snapper up of unconsidered trifles.

SHAKSPEARE.

* * * * *

ELEGANT COMPLIMENT.