Chapter 3

"A man of my penetration was not long in scenting out who was the formidable rival to whom Daddy Mainspring alluded. _Sacre_! to think the mercenary old hunks could dream of sacrificing my lovely Lucy to such a hobgoblin of a fellow as a superannuated dragoon quartermaster, with a beak like Bardolph's in the play. But I had some confidence in my own qualifications; and as I gave a sly glance down at my nether person, 'Dash-the-wig-of-him!' thought I to myself, 'if he can sport a leg like that of Toby Tims.' I accordingly determined not to be discomfited, and took the earliest opportunity of presenting Miss Lucy, through a sure channel, with a passionate billet doux, a patent pair of gilt bracelets, and a box of Ruspini's tooth-powder. By St. Patrick and all the powers, it was shocking to suppose that such an angel as the cherry-cheeked Lucy should be stolen from me by such an apology for a gallant, as Quartermaster Bottlenose of the Tipperary Rangers. 'Twas murder, by Jupiter."

"I perfectly agree with you, Mr. Tims; Did you challenge him to the duello?"

"A _leetle_ patience, if you please, sir, and you shall hear all. During the violence of my love-fits, I committed a variety of professional mistakes. I sent at one time a pot of bear's grease away by the mail, in a wig-box, to a member of parliament in Yorkshire; and burned a whole batch of baked hair to ashes, while singing Moore's 'When he who adores thee,' in attitude, before a block, dressed up for the occasion with a fashionable wig upon it--to say nothing of my having, in a fit of abstraction, given a beautiful young lady, who was going that same evening to a Lord Mayor's ball, the complete charity-workhouse cut, leaving her scalp as bare as the back of my hand. But cheer up!--to my happy astonishment, sir, matters worked like a charm. What a parley-vooing and billet-dooing passed between us! We would have required a porter for the sole purpose. Then we had stolen interviews of two hours' duration each, for several successive nights, at the old horologer's back-door, during which, besides a multiplicity of small-talk--thanks to his deafness--I tried my utmost to entrap her affections, by reciting sonnets, and spouting bits of plays in the manner of the tragedy performers. These were the happy times, sir! The world was changed for me. Paddington canal seemed the river Pactolus, and Rag-Fair Elysium!

"The old boy, however, ignorant of our orgies, was still bothering his brains to bring about matrimony between his daughter and the veteran--who, though no younger than Methusalem, as stiff as the Monument, and as withered as Belzoni's Piccadilly mummy, had yet the needful, sir--had abundance of the wherewithal--crops of yellow shiners--lots of the real--sported a gig, and kept on board wages a young shaver of all work, with a buff jacket, turned up with sky-blue facings. Only think, sir--only ponder for a moment what a formidable rival I had!"

"I hope you beat him off, however," said I. "The greater danger the more honour you know, Mr. Tims."

"Of that anon, sir.--Lucy, on her part, angelic creature, professed that she could not dream of being undutiful towards kind old Pa; and that, unless desperate measures were resorted to, _quamprimum_, in the twinkling of a bed-post she would be under the disagreeable necessity to bundle and go with the disabled man of war to the temple of Hymen. Sacrilegious thought! I could not permit it to enter my bosom, and (pardon me for a moment, sir) when I looked down, and caught a glance of my own natty-looking, tight little leg, and dapper Hessians, I recommended her strongly to act on the principle of the Drury-lane play-bill, which says, 'All for Love, or the World well lost.'

"Well, sir, hark ye, just to show how things come about. Shortly after this, on the anniversary of my honoured old master, Zachariah Pigtail's birth, when we were allowed to strike work at noon, I determined, as a _dernier resort_, as a clincher, sir, to act the genteel, and invite Miss Lucy, in her furs and falderals, to accompany me to the Exhibition of Pictures. Heavens, sir, how I dressed on that day! The Day and Martin of my boots reflected on the shady side of the street. I took half an hour in tying and retying my neckcloth _en mode_. My handkerchief smelt of lavender, and my hair of oil of thyme--my waistcoat of bergamot, and my inexpressibles of musk. I was a perfect civet for perfumery. My coat, cut in the jemmy fashion, I buttoned to suffocation; but 'pon honour, believe me, sir, no stays, and my shirt neck had been starched _per order_, to the consistence of tin. In short, to be brief, I found, or fancied myself killing--a most irresistible fellow.

"I did not dare, however, to call for Miss Lucy at old Pa's, but waited for her at the corner of the street, patiently drumming on my boot, with a knowing little bit of bamboo; and projecting my left arm to her, off we marched in triumph.

"The Exhibition Rooms were crowded with the _ton_; and to be sure a great many fine things were there. Would you had seen them, sir. There were admirals in blue, and generals in red--portraits of my lord this, and my lady that--land scenes, and sea scenes, and hunting scenes, with thips, and woods, and old castles, all amazingly like life. In short, sir, Providence seems to have guided us to the spot, where we saw a picture--_the_ picture, sir--the pattern copy of that there picture, sir--and heavens! such a piece of work--but of that anon--it did the business, sir. No sooner had I perused it through my quizzing-glass, which, I confess, that I had brought with me more for ornament than use--having eyes like a hawk--than I pathetically exclaimed to Lucy--'Behold, my love, the history of our fates!' Lucy said, 'Tuts, Toby Tims,' and gave a giggle; but I went on in solemn gravity, before a circle of seemingly electrified spectators.

"'Spose now, Miss Lucy,' said I, holding her by the finger of her Limerick glove; 'spose now, that I had invited you to take an outside seat on the Hampstead Flying Phoenix with me, to go out to a rural junketing, on May day in the afternoon. Very well--there we find ourselves alive and kicking, forty couple footing it on the green, and choosing, according to our tastes, reels, jigs, minuets, or bumpkins. 'Spose then, that I have handed you down to the bottom of five-and-twenty couple at a country-dance, to the tune of Sir Roger de Coverley, Morgiana in Ireland, Petronella, or the Triumph; and, notwithstanding our having sucked a couple of oranges a-piece, we are both quite in a broth of perspiration. Very good--so says I to you, making a genteel bow, 'Do you please to walk aside, and cool yourself in them there green arbours, and I will be with you as quick as directly, with a glass of lemonade or cherry brandy?' So says you to me, dropping a curtsey _a la mode_, 'With ineffable pleasure, sir;' and away you trip into the shade like a sunbeam.

"'Now, Lucy, my love, take a good look of that picture. That is you, 'spose, seated on the turf, a _leetle_ behind the pillar dedicated to Apollar; and you, blooming like a daffodilly in April, are waiting with great thirst, and not a little impatience, for my promised appearance, from the sign of the Hen and Chickens, with the cordials, and a few biscuits on a salver--when, lo! an old bald-pated, oily-faced, red-nosed Cameronian ranter, whom by your elegant negligee capering you have fairly danced out of his dotard senses, comes pawing up to you like Polito's polar bear, drops on his knees, and before you can avert your nose from a love-speech, embalmed in the fumes of tobacco and purl, the hoary villain has beslobbered your lily-white fingers, and is protesting unalterable affection, at the rate of twelve miles an hour, inclusive of stoppages. Now, Lucy, love, did you ever,--say upon your honour,--did you ever witness such a spectacle of humanity? Tell me now?

"'Very well. Now, love, take a peep down the avenue, and yon is me, yon tight, handsome little figure, with the Spanish cap and cloak, attended by a trusty servant in the same costume, to whom I am pointing where he is to bring the cherry-brandy; when, lo! we perceive the hideous apparition!--and straightway rushing forward, like two tigers on a jackass, we seize the wigless dotard, and, calling for a blanket, the whole respectable company of forty couples and upwards, come crowding to the spot, and lend a willing hand in rotation, four by four, in tossing Malachi, the last of the lovers, till the breath of life is scarcely left in his vile body.

"'Now Lucy,' says I, in conclusion, 'don't you see the confounded absurdity of ever wasting a thought on a broken-down, bandy-legged, beggarly dragoon? Just look at him, with an old taffeta whigmaleerie tied to his back, like Paddy from Cork, with his coat buttoned behind! Isn't he a pretty figure, now, to go a-courting? You would never forsake the like of me--would you now? A spruce, natty little body of a creature--to be the trollop of a spindle-shanked veteran, who, besides having one foot in the grave, and a nose fit for three, might be your great-grandfather?'

"It was a sight, sir, that would have melted the heart of a wheel-barrow. Before the whole assembled exhibition-room, Lucy first looked blue, and then blushed consent. 'Toby,' said she, 'don't mention it, Toby, dear,--I am thine for ever and a day!' Angelic sounds, which at once sent Bottlenose to Coventry. His chance was now weak indeed, quite like Grantham gruel, three groats to a gallon of water. In an ecstacy of passion, sir, I threw my silk handkerchief on the floor, and, kneeling on it with one knee, I raised her gloveless fingers to my lips!

"The whole company clapped their hands, and laughed so heartily in sympathy with my good luck! Oh! sir, had you but seen it--what a sight for sore eyes that was!"

"Then you would indeed be the happy man at last, Mr. Tims," said I. "Did you elope on the instant?"

"Just done, please your honour.--Next morning, according to special agreement, we eloped in a gig; and, writing a penitent letter from the Valentine and Orson at Chelsea, Daddy Mainspring found himself glad to come to terms. Thrice were the banns published; and such a marriage as we had! 'Pon honour, sir, I would you had been present. It was a thing to be remembered till the end of one's life. A deputation of the honourable the corporation of barbers duly attended, puffed out in full fig; and even the old quartermaster, pocketing his disappointment, was, at his own special petition, a forgiven and favoured guest. Seldom has such dancing been seen within the bounds of London; and, with two fiddles, a tambourin, and a clarionet, we made all the roofs ring, till an early hour next morning--and that we did."

"You are a lucky fellow, Mr. Tims," said I.

"And more than that, sir. When old Mainspring kicks, we are to have the counting of his mouldy coppers--so we have the devil's luck and our own; and as for false curls, braids, bandeaux, Macassar oil, cold cream, bear's-grease, tooth-powder, and Dutch toys, show me within the walls of the City a more respectable, tip-topping perfumery depot and wig-warehouse, than that wherein you now sit, and of which I, Tobias Tims, am, with due respect, the honoured master, and your humble servant!"

_Blackwood's Magazine_.

In addition to the foregoing, (which is one of the happiest pieces in Goldsmith's style that we have read for a long time,) there is in _Blackwood's Magazine_ an article of extraordinary graphic spirit, occupying twenty-two pages. But we will attempt to abridge it for our columns, as well as to give a sprinkling from the _Noctes_ in the same number. All are in the best style of their vigorous masters.

* * * * *

ELEGY

_To the Memory of Miss Emily Kay, (cousin to Miss Ellen Gee, of Kew,) who lately died at Ewell, and was buried in Essex_.

D.T. Fabula narratur.

Sad nymphs of UL, U have much to cry for, Sweet MLE K U never more shall C! O SX maids! come hither and VU, With tearful I this M T LEG.

Without XS she did XL alway-- Ah me! it truly vexes 1 2 C How soon so DR a creature may DK, And only leave behind XUVE!

Whate'er I O to do she did discharge, So that an NME it might NDR: Then Y an SA write? then why N? Or with my briny tears her BR BDU?

When her Piano-40 she did press, Such heavenly sounds did MN8, that she, Knowing her Q, soon I U 2 confess Her XLNC in an XTC.

Her hair was soft as silk, not YRE, It gave no Q nor yet 2 P to view: She was not handsome: shall I tell U Y? U R 2 know her I was all SQ.

L8 she was, and prattling like AJ. O, little MLE! did you 4 C The grave should soon MUU, cold as clay. And U should cease to B an NTT!

While taking T at Q with LN G, The MT grate she rose to put a(:) Her clothes caught fire--I ne'er again shall C Poor MLE, who now is dead as Solon.

O, LN G! in vain you set at 0 GR and reproach for suffering her 2 B Thus sacrificed: to JL U should be brought And burnt U 0 2 B in FEG.

Sweet MLE K into SX they bore, Taking good care her monument to Y 10, And as her tomb was much 2 low B 4, They lately brought fresh bricks the walls to I 10.

_New Monthly Mag_.

* * * * *

Notes of a Reader.

* * * * *

A NEW CYCLOPAEDIA.

A "Cabinet Cyclopaedia" is announced for publication, under the superintendance of Dr. Lardner. It is to consist of a series of "Cabinets" of the several sciences, &c. and upwards of 100 volumes, to be published monthly, are already announced in the prospectus; or nine years publishing. The design is not altogether new, it being from the _Encyclopaedie Methodique_, a series of dictionaries, now publishing in Paris; and about four years since a similar work was commenced in England, but only three volumes or dictionaries of the series were published. If this be the flimsy age, the "Cabinet Cyclopaedia" is certainly not one of the flimsiest of its projects; and for the credit of the age, we wish the undertaking all success.

* * * * *

"A GENTLEMAN"

Is a term very vaguely applied, and indistinctly understood. There are Gentlemen by birth, Gentlemen by education, Gentlemen's Gentlemen, Gentlemen of the Press, Gentlemen Pensioners, Gentlemen, whom nobody thinks it worth while to call otherwise; _Honourable_ Gentlemen, Walking Gentlemen of strolling companies, Light-fingered Gentlemen, &c. &c. very respectable Gentlemen, and God Almighty's Gentlemen.--_Blackwood's Magazine_.

* * * * *

ROMAN THEATRES.

There are five theatres at Rome to a population very nearly as considerable as that of Dublin. Each of these establishments is the property of one of the noble families in the city, who prefer doing by themselves what is usually done in England by committee.

* * * * *

CATS AND FELINE ANIMALS (_once more!_)

Animals of the cat kind are, in a state of nature almost continually in action both by night and by day. They either walk, creep, or advance rapidly by prodigious bounds; but they seldom _run_, owing, it is believed, to the extreme flexibility of their limbs and vertebral column, which cannot preserve the rigidity necessary to that species of movement. Their sense of sight, especially during twilight, is acute; their hearing very perfect, and their perception of smell less so than in the dog tribe. Their most obtuse sense is that of taste; the lingual nerve in the lion, according to Des Moulins, being no larger than that of a middle-sized dog. In fact, the tongue of these animals is as much an organ of mastication as of taste; its sharp and horny points, inclined backwards, being used for tearing away the softer parts of the animal substances on which they prey. The perception of touch is said to reside very delicately in the small bulbs at the base of the mustachios.--_Wilson's Zoology_.

* * * * *

TEA AND TAY.

_From Blackwood's last "Noctes."_

_North_. As you love me, my dear James, call it not tea, but _tay_. That though obsolete, is the classical pronunciation. Thus Pope sings in the _Rape of the Lock_, canto i.

"Soft yielding minds to water glide away, And sip with nymphs their elemental tea."

And also in canto iii--

"Where thou great Anna, whom these realms obey, Dost sometimes counsel take, and sometimes tea."

And finally in the Basset Table--

"Tell, tell your grief, attentive will I stay, Though time is precious, and I want some tea."

_Shepherd_. A body might think frae thae rhymes, that Pop had been an Eerishman.

* * * * *

"MERRY ENGLAND."

The people of England, we fear, have at last forfeited the proud title of "merry," to distinguish them from other and less happy, because more serious, nations; for now they sadden at amusement, and sicken and turn pale at a jest; so entirely have they forfeited it, that an ingenious critic cannot believe they ever possessed it; and has set himself accordingly to prove, that, in the old English, _merrie_ does not mean merry, but sorrowful, or heart-broken, or some such thing.--_Edin. Rev._

* * * * *

SYMPATHY.

There is a tear, more sweet and soft Than beauty's smiling lip of love; By angel's eyes first wept and oft On earth by eyes like those above: It flows for virtue in distress. It soothes, like hope, our sufferings here; 'Twas given, and it is shed, to bless-- 'Tis sympathy's celestial tear.

_Amulet._

* * * * *

MR. ABERNETHY

Was one day descanting upon the advantages of a public education for boys, when he concluded by saying, "And what think you of Eton? I think I shall send my son there to learn manners." "It would have been as well, my dear," responded his wife, "had you gone there too."

* * * * *

ENGLISH BENEVOLENCE.

For several years previous to 1823, the crops in Ireland had been scanty, particularly those of potatoes. In 1821 the potato crop was _a complete failure_; and in 1822 it is impossible to tell, and dreadful to think, of what might have been the consequence, had not the English people come forward, and by the most stupendous act of national generosity which the world ever saw, and which none but a country so rich as England could afford, arrested "the plague of hunger," which must otherwise have desolated the country.

* * * * *

PAINTING IN FRESCO.

The revival of this beautiful art is strongly recommended by a writer in the _Edinburgh Review_, for the internal decoration of private residences. "As we have begun to build houses upon a handsome scale in London, the lovers of art may venture to hope, that instead of spending enormous sums solely on the upholsterer for his fading ornaments, something may now be spared to the artist, for conferring on the walls unfading decorations of a far more delightful and intellectual kind. If the work be well executed, it will not suffer injury from being washed with clean and cold water." The reviewer then goes on to suggest "small foundations, like the fellowships at our universities. The fellow, a young artist of promise, might spend two or three years in painting the interior of a church, or other public building, maintaining himself meanwhile on his fellowship, or two or three hundred pounds a year." "If, however, the objections to painting our churches be deemed insuperable, we have buildings designed for civil purposes in abundance, which are well adapted for this species of decoration." He then instances Westminster Hall, the walls of which might be covered with fresco; and the outsides of houses in many German cities and towns in the German cantons of Switzerland, the outsides of which are painted with scriptural and historical subjects. "Painting," observes he, "were the use of it universal, would be a powerful means of instruction to children and the lower orders; and were all the fine surfaces, which are now plain and absolutely wasted, enriched with the labours of the art, if they once began to appear, they would accumulate rapidly; and were the ornamented edifices open to all, as freely as they ought to be, a wide field of new and agreeable study would offer itself."

* * * * *

PHILANTHROPY.

Hast thou power? the weak defend, Light?--give light: thy knowledge lend. Rich?--remember Him who gave. Free?--be brother to the slave.

_Amulet._

* * * * *

LITERARY CLUBS.

O what curses, not loud, but deep, has not old Simpkin, of the Crown and Anchor, in his day, and Willis and Kay in later times, groaned at the knot of authors who were occupying one of his best dining-rooms up-stairs, and leaving the Port, and claret, and Madeira to a death-like repose in the cellar, though the waiter had repeatedly popped his head into the apartment with an admonitory "Did you ring, gentlemen?" to awaken them to a becoming sense of the social duties of man.--_New Monthly Mag_.

* * * * *

ALLIGATORS SWALLOWING STONES.

The Indians on the banks of the Oronoko assert, that previously to an alligator going in search of prey, it always swallows a large stone, that it may acquire additional weight to aid it in diving and dragging its victims under water. A traveller being somewhat incredulous on this point, Bolivar, to convince him, shot several with his rifle, and in all of them were found stones, varying in weight according to the size of the animal. The largest killed was about 17 feet in length, and had within him a stone weighing about 60 or 70 pounds.

* * * * *

CRICKET.

Miss Mitford, in one of her charming sketches, tells us of a cricket-ball being thrown five hundred yards. This is what the people who write for Drury-lane and Covent-garden would call "pitching it pretty strong."

* * * * *

ADVANTAGES OF CHEAP BOOKS.

When Goldsmith boasted of having seen a splendid copy of his poems in the cabinet of some great lord, saying emphatically, "This is fame, Dr. Johnson," the doctor told him that, for his part, he would have been more disposed to self-gratulation had he discovered any of the progeny of his mind thumbed and tattered in the cabin of a peasant.--_Q. Rev._

* * * * *

REMEMBRANCE.

I recollect my happy home, My pleasures as a child; The forest where I used to roam, The rocks so bleak and wild. That home is tenantless; the spot It graced is rude and bare; The lov'd ones gone, our name forgot. And desolation there.

_Forget Me Not_--1829.

In how many thousand hearts will this lament find an echo!

* * * * *

The Gatherer

A snapper up of unconsidered trifles.

SHAKSPEARE.

* * * * *

QUID PRO QUO.

A canon of the cathedral of Seville, who was very affected in his dress, and particular in his shoes, could not in the whole city find a workman to his liking. An unfortunate shoemaker to whom he applied, after quitting many others, having brought him a pair of shoes which did not please his taste, the canon became furious, and seizing one of the tools of the shoemaker, gave him with it so many blows on the head, that the poor shoemaker fell dead on the floor. The unhappy man left a widow, four daughters, and a son fourteen years of age, the eldest of the indigent family. They made their complaints to the chapter; the canon was prosecuted, and condemned _not to appear in the choir for a year_.