Part 4
The mysteries of the dead? This is a fresh joke. What do you take us for? No, no, my lad, this won’t do! She spoke; we all heard her; we have witnesses. You have, of malice prepense, deprived her of her power of speech, with an object which I am beginning to see through. You’ll just restore it at once, or....
ACHILLE
It was really not worth while bringing her back to life, to give her to us in this condition.
GUSTAVE
If you could not give her back to us as she was before your stupid and clumsy interference, you would have done better not to have meddled.
ACHILLE
It was a bad action.
GUSTAVE
An abuse of confidence.
ACHILLE
An abuse of confidence: that’s what it was. There is no excuse for it.
GUSTAVE
You’re expecting to blackmail us, perhaps?
ACHILLE
I suppose you think you’re dealing with a pack of fools?
GUSTAVE
Who asked you to come? I hate saying it, but I would rather see her dead than have her back in this state. It’s too cruel, too painful for those who love her. You can’t come like this, under the pretence of working a miracle, and disturb the peace of the people who have done you no harm, bringing unhappiness upon them! A nice thing. But he laughs best who laughs last!
THE DOCTOR
Allow me. Calm yourselves. The man has done wrong, there’s no doubt of that; but we must not blame him: he is probably unaccountable for his actions. (_Going up to SAINT ANTHONY._) Just let me examine your eyes, my friend. That’s it: I knew it! I would not interfere while everybody was thanking him, much too cordially, for the miraculous resurrection which he had wrought. I did not wish to appear to meddle with what does not concern me. I knew what was what; and you see, as I do, that she was not dead at all. There is nothing supernatural or mysterious about all this. It simply means that the fellow possesses rather unusual hypnotic powers; and he has abused them, in order to indulge in a hoax which may be self-interested and which, in any case, is out of place. He came at the right moment, that is all; and it is highly probable that, had he not been here, you and I would have worked the miracle, if miracle there be.
GUSTAVE
Well, what are we to do?
THE DOCTOR
Why, prevent him from doing further mischief by having him locked up! The man’s dangerous!
GUSTAVE
You’re right; we must put a stop to this; besides, I’ve had enough of it.... Joseph!
JOSEPH
Sir?
GUSTAVE
Run to the police-station at the corner; fetch two policemen; tell them to bring a pair of handcuffs with them. He’s a dangerous fellow and capable of everything, as he has shown us only too plainly.
JOSEPH
Very well, sir. (_He runs out._)
SAINT ANTHONY
I beg leave to withdraw.
GUSTAVE
That’s right, old chap, play the innocent. It’s time you did. Yes, you can withdraw; and with a first-class escort. You just wait and see.
(_Enter JOSEPH, followed by a SERGEANT OF POLICE and a POLICEMAN._)
THE SERGEANT
(_Pointing to SAINT ANTHONY._) Is this the criminal?
GUSTAVE
That’s the man.
THE SERGEANT
(_Touching SAINT ANTHONY on the shoulder._) Where are your papers?
SAINT ANTHONY
What papers?
POLICEMAN
You haven’t any? I knew it. What’s your name?
SAINT ANTHONY
Saint Anthony.
THE SERGEANT
Saint what? Saint Anthony? That’s no name for a Christian. I want the other, your real name.
SAINT ANTHONY
(_Very gently._) I have no other.
THE SERGEANT
Keep a civil tongue in your head, will you? Where did you steal that dressing-gown?
SAINT ANTHONY
I didn’t steal it. It’s mine.
THE SERGEANT
Then it’s I who am lying? Is that what you mean? Say it; don’t mind me!
SAINT ANTHONY
I don’t know. I think.... Perhaps you are mistaken.
THE SERGEANT
I’m making a note of your impertinent observations.... Where do you hail from?
SAINT ANTHONY
From Padua.
THE SERGEANT
Padua? Where’s that? What department?
GUSTAVE
It’s in Italy.
THE SERGEANT
I know, I know. I wanted to make him say it. So you’re an Italian. I thought as much. Where did you last come from?
SAINT ANTHONY
From Paradise.
THE SERGEANT
What Paradise? Where is that land of malefactors?
SAINT ANTHONY
It is the place to which the souls of those who have died in the Lord ascend after their death.
THE SERGEANT
I see, I see, I understand! You’re coming the artful over me! You’re pulling my leg! First you’re impudent and now you’re being clever! Very well, your case is quite clear: we’ll soon settle it.... (_To GUSTAVE._) Let’s hear what he has done. What has he stolen?
GUSTAVE
I can’t yet say for certain that he has stolen anything; I haven’t had time to take stock of things; and I don’t like to accuse him without being sure. We must be just before all things. But he has done something more serious.
THE SERGEANT
I never doubted it.
GUSTAVE
You know the loss which we have suffered. While we were mourning the dear departed and finishing our lunch, he made his way into the house under some pretext or other, with intentions which you can easily guess. He took advantage of the maid’s simplicity and credulousness to have the door opened of the room where the body was laid out. He obviously hoped to turn our disorder and grief to account in order to fish in troubled waters and make a haul. He may have learnt through an accomplice that our aunt’s jewels and silver were put out on the mantelpiece. Unfortunately for him, our aunt was not dead. And, suddenly, seeing this repellent figure in her room, she woke up, cried out and spoke to him roundly and pluckily. Then, to take revenge for his discomfiture, I don’t know how—the doctor will explain—he deprived her of the use of her speech; and, notwithstanding our entreaties, he refuses to restore it to her, naturally hoping to make us pay through the nose. Mind you, I am making no accusations; I am simply stating the facts. As for the rest, you can ask the doctor.
THE DOCTOR
I will furnish all the necessary explanations before the Commissary; if he wishes it, I will draw up a report.
ACHILLE
Meanwhile, there’s no mistake about it: he’s either a criminal or a madman, perhaps both. In any case, he’s a dangerous person who must absolutely be locked up.
THE SERGEANT
That’s quite clear. We’ll get rid of him for you. (_To the POLICEMAN._) Rabutteau!
POLICEMAN
Yes, Sergeant.
THE SERGEANT
The handcuffs.
GUSTAVE
Sergeant, it was very good of you and your mate to come round. Before leaving us, you must do us the pleasure of taking a glass of something with us.
THE SERGEANT
We won’t say no to that, eh, Rabutteau? Especially as the prisoner looks like a tough customer.
GUSTAVE
Joseph, bring a bottle and some glasses. (_Exit JOSEPH._) We will all drink to my aunt’s recovery.
THE SERGEANT
It’ll do us no harm in this weather.
GUSTAVE
Is it still raining?
THE SERGEANT
In torrents. I’ve only come the length of the street; look at my cape.
POLICEMAN
You can’t tell if it’s raining or snowing, but it’s worse than either.
(_Enter JOSEPH with a tray filled with glasses, which he hands round._)
THE SERGEANT
(_Raising his glass._) Ladies and gentlemen, your very good health!
GUSTAVE
(_Touching glasses with the SERGEANT._) Sergeant, your health! (_They all touch glasses with the SERGEANT._) Have another?
THE SERGEANT
I don’t mind. (_Smacking his lips._) That’s good wine, that is!
SAINT ANTHONY
I’m thirsty. I should like a glass of water.
THE SERGEANT
(_Grinning._) A glass of water! D’ye hear him? You shall have some water, my lad; you wait till we’re outside; it’ll come pouring into your mouth.... Come, we’ve hung around long enough.... Rabutteau, the handcuffs; and you, put out your hands....
SAINT ANTHONY
But I haven’t....
THE SERGEANT
What! Resistance and protests! That’s the last straw! They’re all alike! (_A ring at the front-door._)
GUSTAVE
A ring at the bell! (_JOSEPH goes to the front-door._) What’s the time? Perhaps it’s the first guests.
ACHILLE
Hardly. It’s not three yet. (_Enter the COMMISSARY OF POLICE._) Hallo, it’s Monsieur Mitrou, the Commissary of Police!
THE COMMISSARY
Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. I heard... (_Catching sight of SAINT ANTHONY._) Why, I thought as much: it’s Saint Anthony himself, the great Saint Anthony of Padua!...
GUSTAVE
You know him, then?
THE COMMISSARY
Know him? I should think I did know him! It’s the third time that he’s escaped.... You know, he’s a little.... (_He taps his forehead with his finger._) And at each escape he does the same tricks: he cures the sick, heals cripples, practises medicine without a license—in short, commits a number of illegal actions.... (_Goes up to SAINT ANTHONY and examines him more attentively._) Yes, it’s he.... Or at least.... But he has changed a good deal since his last escapade.... Anyway, if it’s not he, it must be his brother.... There’s something that’s not quite clear to me. We’ll look into it at the police-station. Come along, I’m in a hurry; come along, lads, quick, to the station, to the station!
GUSTAVE
Better let him out this way, through the garden; it’ll attract less notice. (_JOSEPH opens the garden door, admitting a whirl of rain, sleet and wind._)
ACHILLE
Brrr, what weather! It’s raining, snowing, hailing! (_They push SAINT ANTHONY to the door._)
VIRGINIE
(_Running up._) But, sir, the poor man!... Look, he’s bare-footed!
GUSTAVE
Well, what of it? Do you want us to send for a carriage? Or a shrine, perhaps?
VIRGINIE
No, I’ll lend him my sabots. Take them, Saint Anthony; I have another pair.
SAINT ANTHONY
(_Putting on the sabots._) Thank you. (_His halo lights up._)
VIRGINIE
And are you putting nothing on your head? You’ll catch cold.
SAINT ANTHONY
I haven’t anything.
VIRGINIE
Take my little shawl. I’ll run and fetch you my umbrella. (_She hurries out._)
ACHILLE
The old fool.
GUSTAVE
This is all very well, but meanwhile we’re standing in the devil of a draught.... Come, take him to the station and let’s have an end of this.
VIRGINIE
(_Returning with an enormous umbrella, which she offers to SAINT ANTHONY._) Here’s my umbrella.
SAINT ANTHONY
(_Showing his hands._) They’ve fastened my hands.
VIRGINIE
I’ll hold it for you. (_Standing on the threshold, she opens the umbrella to shelter SAINT ANTHONY, who goes out between the two POLICEMEN, followed by the COMMISSARY. The SAINT’S halo shines under the umbrella; and the group moves away over the snow in the garden._)
GUSTAVE
(_Closing the door._) At last!
ACHILLE
A good riddance to bad rubbish!
GUSTAVE
(_Going to the bed._) Well, aunt?
ACHILLE
What’s the matter with her? She’s sinking, she’s falling back on the bed!
THE DOCTOR
(_Hurrying forward._) I don’t know.... I’m afraid....
GUSTAVE
(_Leaning over the bed._) Aunt, aunt!... Well?
THE DOCTOR
This time she is really dead. I told you so.
GUSTAVE
Impossible!
ACHILLE
But, doctor, look here! Is there nothing to be done?
THE DOCTOR
Nothing at all, I fear.
(_A pause during which all gather round the bed._)
GUSTAVE
(_The first to recover his self-possession._) What a day!...
ACHILLE
Hark to the storm!...
GUSTAVE
After all, we were a little unkind to the poor beggar. If you come to think of it, he really did us no harm!
CURTAIN