Part 2

The first thing that greeted my eyes, when I re-entered my hotel, was my suit of regimentals, which the tailor had just laid down at full length upon the table. Never did I behold so beautiful—so ravishing a sight! The coat like silk—_scarlet_ silk; the pantaloons blue as the sky—ethereal blue; the epaulette and lace as bright as the sun—or twenty suns! Price! what was the price to me? I paid the tailor, directly, a part and portion of the price of the suit; he was only waiting (as he said) to fit the articles on; but (as _I_ now think) to receive the amount of his bill—as every prudent tailor ought in such cases to do. However, I cared not about matters of pounds, shillings, and pence: my ideas were upon the _intellectual_ enjoyments of my ensigncy—the glory of my new rank; and tailors or tailors' bills were of no consideration, except as mere mechanical instruments to raise me to my then state of mental elevation. I now only wanted the cocked hat, feather, sash, boots, gloves, sword, and sword-belt, which to procure I knew must absorb at least an hour, or perhaps two, of my valuable time. I therefore requested the tailor (having first paid his bill) to send them to me, which he most willingly promised to do: and he kept his word; for in ten minutes I was in possession of the articles, for which also he was paid. Another ten minutes passed, and I was “armed _cap-à-pie_,” elegantly fitted—a perfect prodigy of beauty—in my own accommodating imagination!

It would be endless to describe the evolutions, the marches, and the countermarches, which I performed before the looking-glass that day. I nearly wore out my scabbard with drawing and sheathing my sword; I absolutely tarnished my epaulette by dangling the bullion of it, and the peak of my cocked hat was very much ruffled and crushed by practising my intended salutes to the ladies. I dined—in all the happiness of self-important solitude—in full uniform, and unshackled by the presence of strangers to interrupt my admiration of it. When did I enjoy such a day? Never. This was the climax of my hopes; I felt that I was _bona fide_ an officer in the army.

After dinner I wrote short letters to my relations and friends, in which every event of the foregoing twenty-four hours was set forth in my very best style of description; and to each letter, signed with my rank in full, was appended a postscript, requesting the answers to be directed to “ENSIGN W*** A*** B*** _of His Majesty's ——th Regiment of the Line, Old Slaughter's Coffee House, London_.” As most of the newspapers of that day contained the military promotions of the night before, I ordered at least sixteen; all of which I enclosed, and sent among my friends at home, by post, that night, having first underlined with red ink the words “_Ensign W*** A*** B***, vice Thompson, killed in action_,” and put a cross in the margin opposite to the passage.

So little was I acquainted with the usages of London, as they regard officers in the army, that I absolutely went to the theatre that night dressed, as I had dined, in full uniform. I had been in the habit of seeing military officers from time to time, who had been quartered in my native town, dressed generally in their regimentals, not only in the street, but at the theatre and at private parties; and I could not suppose that in London, the capital city, and the head-quarters of the army, there was any other custom whatever observed among officers: on the contrary, I considered that, above all other cities, London was the place in which a man was bound to appear in all his glory.

If I was stared at in the Green Park the night before, I was still more so this night; but although I encountered the gaze and the sneers of hundreds, yet nobody dared to insult me directly. The greatest nuisance was, that the box in which I took my seat was crammed almost to suffocation with the _fair_ sex—so much so, that the whole pit stood up to observe us; and so tightly was I squeezed by these ladies, that not having room to display my figure and dress in a sufficiently graceful posture, I was obliged to sit upright, like a gentleman in a vapour-bath. And indeed the simile bears in another way upon the fact; for I felt all the sudorific effects of vapour-bathing, occasioned partly by the perfume of the ladies, partly by the eternal gaze of the spectators, and partly from the tightness of my stock, sash, and sword-belt. I found very soon that my situation was by no means enviable, and I accordingly removed from the box, to better myself by a walk in the saloon; but here I found matters still worse. I was in a moment surrounded by a myriad of damsels, and about as many dandies—the latter of whom became by far the most annoying. I was literally hustled to and fro without being able to keep my legs, while liberties of every description were taken with my dress: one plucked me by the skirts of my coat; another half-drew my sword, while a third (a tall Irish _lady_) ran off with my cocked hat, to strut about in it, and burlesque my style of walking, &c. All this was done with the best possible humour on _their_ parts, but as to _myself_,—I must confess, I was most particularly annoyed, though I found it of no use to appear so: therefore I laughed, or seemed to laugh with my persecutors, like Mirabel in the play. However, I found that a quiet retreat was the most advisable manœuvre, and accordingly seized a favourable opportunity of “bolting in double quick time” out of the theatre, amidst crowds of dirty link boys, who drew the attention of the whole world upon me with “_Coach, General_”—“_Noble Commander_”—“_Royal Highness_,” and the rest, until I found myself absolutely wedged in by a throng of greasy ragamuffins, and the wonder of a hundred passers by. “O curse the regimentals! I wish I were in a sack,” thought I, as I ploughed my way out of the crowd, which I had not distanced many yards, when I was assailed by dozens of drunken stragglers with “_heads up, sodger_,”—“_lobster, hoi!_” &c. and was at length absolutely jostled into the gutter by three impudent cheesemongers, from Bread Street, Cheapside. The honour of the profession was fired; “D——!” thought I, “is this fit treatment for one of his Majesty's Ensigns?” so seizing the nearest fellow by the collar, I pulled him, much against his will, over to a watchman, who stood within about a dozen yards of us, and gave him in charge to the man of corners, together with his two comrades, who had followed him closely.

“_Charge_, Chester, _charge_.”

Three mouths now opened against me, and insisted on “charging” _me_! I thought of the dog of hell—the triple-headed monster—as they barked. My blood was boiling; I _ordered_ the watchman to take them instantly to the watch-house, on pain of being next morning reported; but what was my indignation—my almost distraction, at finding the fellow altogether deaf to my command, although I was in _regimentals_! Instead of taking my assaulters to the judge of the night, he absolutely seized _me_ by the collar, and as he forced me along, roared out something like the following:—

“Oh! by Jasus, man, yir not in the barracks now. Who cares about your ordthers? By my sowl! I'll tache you betther manners, though ya _have_ a red coat upon ya; yar not to be salting the dacent people in the open sthreets. Is it becaise I've lost my eye in the sarvice, that you want to get the blind side o' me?”

“You infernal Cyclops!” returned I, “you cannot see plainly with the one that is left to you.”

Remonstrance was useless. I put, not only my powers of speech in the fullest action, but also my powers of muscle: all in vain—four pair of arms pulling at one coat, are too much for any _body_. I was absolutely _trotted_ off to the watch-house. Here I expected to obtain ample satisfaction for the injury I had sustained, and with this feeling addressed the “Commanding officer”—a fellow with a huge red-cabbage face, a pot of porter before him, a pipe in his hand, and a rabbit-skin cap on his greasy head. I told my story in very few words; but dwelt with “becoming warmth” upon the manner in which justice was administered by the men of lanterns and rattles, and concluded with a severe philippic against the watch department in general. I demanded that the watchmen, as well as the three men who had caused the confusion, should be locked up forthwith. Whether it was my natural powers of speech, or my all powerful energy of voice and manner, which procured for me this hearing, I cannot tell—but I have to regret the privilege; for my address, so far from being relished by the constable, inclined him, I think, to lend a more favourable ear to my adversaries; and his bias inclined still more towards them, when they appealed to him as “_the representative of magistracy_.” In short, they had it all their own way, and old Dogberry, in accordance with the feelings excited in him, by abuse on the one side, and flattery on the other, declared against me.

“This here thing,” said he, “is a conspiracy against these three respectable men, and that 'ere vatchman; but it 'ont do. You see, you comes and you 'tacks these here people a going to their perspective homes, as honest citizens should. What _are_ you, gemmen?” (_To the cheesemongers._)

“We are gentlemen in the city,” replied the “spokesman” of the triumvirate.

“What's your names?” inquired the constable.

“John Stilton,” was the reply.

“John Stilton! eh! what—of _Green, Stilton, Mite, and Co._?” exclaimed the constable.

“Yes, the same, and these two gentlemen are my partners.”

The constabulary tobacco-pipe was now withdrawn from its office, and an additional importance diffused itself over the features of the presiding judge, as he recognized the firm of Messrs. Green, Stilton, Mite, and Company.

“I know the house well,” said he; “and as spectable as any in the parish of Botolph. The commerce of London is not to be insulted by the milentary. So I tell ye vat, Master, (addressing me,) you must be locked up. Who _are_ you? What's your name?”

“Oh!” exclaimed one of the cheesemongers, “he's a drum-major in the Wolunteers.”

This was “the most unkindest cut of all;” it perfectly silenced me. The only reply I could make, was to throw down my card indignantly, which Dogberry took up, and after gazing gravely upon it, exclaimed, “He's a Hinsign, I see: But if he was the _sarjeant-major_ himself, he shall not escape public contribution. I'll take care he's made a proper sample of; so now, gemmen, you are all at liberty to proceed to your peaceful homes, and leave this red-herring to be managed by me. I'll larn him, that he sha'n't come out of a night with his feathers, and his flipper flappers, and his red coat, to kick up a bobbery with the people. Ve dont vant sodgers in London—thank God! ve can do without 'em. Ve vant no milentary govament here, my lad; and if you come amongst us, vy you must leave off your implements o' var, and behave like a spectacle abitant. The sodgers, I say, ought to be pulled up, for they are a d——d impudent set; tickerly the guards: they try to come it over us venhever they have a tunity; but I'll let them know vhat's vhat, and larn them how to bemean themselves. So here you stop, young man, for this here night.”

At the conclusion of this constitutional harangue, the cheesemongers departed, laughing at me in the most provoking manner. The mortification I felt, was indescribable. I threatened, stormed, and strutted, but all to no purpose; I only received fresh insults. At last it was hinted to me by one of the watchmen, who was inclined to indulge in a little repose, that if I would send for a respectable housekeeper, I might be bailed; and though this kindness evidently arose from a wish to get rid of me, on account of the noise I created, I availed myself of the privilege, and immediately sent to the landlord of my hotel, who soon appeared, and I was liberated.

This evening's adventure gave me ample food for rumination, and I chewed my cud upon it half the night. I felt thoroughly ashamed of my folly, in having displayed my gaudy suit of regimentals, when I plainly perceived, that custom was so decidedly against it: but—_experientia docet_. I next morning locked up my uniform, and determined never to wear it, until I joined my regiment.

There has been a great deal said about the “_privileges_” of the City of London, in reference to the appearance of soldiers in its streets; and some, who rank high in the republic of letters, have spun out many fine periods upon the subject; but I must confess myself sceptical enough to think, that all this is “leather and prunella;” though, I maintain, that I am neither inimical to civil nor religious liberty. In despite of “liberal” cant, I must always opine, that the appearance of regimental uniforms in London, (so long as they are _British_,) can never either endanger the liberty of the subject, or disgrace the good people of the metropolis. I allow, that no officer of good sense or good taste would dress in regimentals, while sojourning in London, and absent from his regiment; but I cannot see why the inhabitants assume it as almost a _right_, to exclude the appearance of uniforms, if individuals in the service choose to wear them. The household troops, foot-guards, &c. on the King's duty, in London, appear in regimentals with impunity; but if an officer who is doing duty with his regiment, at Woolwich, or Deptford, or Hounslow, or any other place near London, has occasion to visit the metropolis, he must either go in plain clothes, or submit to ridicule, if he ventures to appear amongst the cockneys in his professional dress. Habit is a powerful master, and if this intolerance of military and naval uniforms becomes a general prejudice, it cannot be fairly argued against; but when a metropolitan magistrate declares, in his public seat, that such uniforms must not appear in London,[3] there is something more than habit in it. Are the people of London afraid of officers belonging to their own regiments? This they cannot reasonably be, for such officers are subordinate to the civil power. Are they ashamed of them? This belief cannot be for a moment entertained; therefore, let there be no more talk of “privileges:” and if either duty or taste direct an officer to wear his uniform in the public places or streets of the metropolis, let him be scrutinized only by the same rule, that would guide our opinions upon the black gown of a lawyer or the shovel-hat of a clergyman.

Although reflections similar to these occupied me during the greater part of the night which gave occasion to them, yet the view I took of the matter at that time, was widely different from that which I now take; for I then thought, that the man who was entitled to wear a regimental uniform, should exhibit it on all occasions, even when _out shooting_. No man ever went to sleep more mortified and chagrined than I did, from my reflections on what had past. The thing had one good effect, however; which was, that it started me off from London, and thereby, perhaps, saved me from more sleepless nights. I went by coach next day to Brighton; and in six hours was at the head-quarters of my regiment.

I reported myself to the commanding officer, Colonel ——, who in the most cordial and frank manner, invited me to dine with him at the mess that day; sent for the Quartermaster, and settled me at once in my barrack-room. He next assigned to me a servant from the ranks, introduced me to all the officers of the regiment, and with one of the Captains took my arm, and walked out to show me the _lions_ of Brighton. All this attention from the commanding officer, was duly appreciated by me. I felt already fascinated with my regiment, and with good reason, for this commanding officer was very different in his conduct towards the junior officers, from many I have since had occasion to serve under. He was the father of his corps; of the most strict, impartial, and inflexible character in all matters of duty; but a friend and companion, without severity or unnecessary exactness when duty was done; he was, in short, a perfect model of the officer and the gentleman.

For two hours previous to dinner, that is to say, from four 'till six o'clock, I employed myself in going through a set of practical evolutions before my looking-glass, in full regimentals, and even when warned by the striking up of

“O the roast beef of old England,”

I had not quite concluded.

I proceeded to the mess-room, and was placed on the right hand of the Colonel, who that day happened to be president. Except on the announcement of my appointment in the Gazette, I never felt such exultation, as when I found myself seated at the mess-table, surrounded by about thirty officers: my appetite was completely gone; I took soup and almost every other thing offered me, but _tasted_ scarcely any thing except wine; indeed of this I partook pretty liberally, for every member of the table requested “_the honour_,” &c. and in about one hour I had swallowed, on a rough calculation, about thirty half glasses of pale sherry—_ergo_, a full bottle.

Now were the pleasures of a regimental mess completely developed before me, and my mind most exquisitely prepared for the enjoyment of them, in which preparation my thirty half glasses of sherry exerted not a little influence. The fine appearance of the officers, the splendour of the full-dress uniforms in the blaze of the wax lights, the excellence of the dinner, the attention of the servants, the merry and gentlemanly conversation of the party, the diversified beauty of the music from our band without, the whole crowned by the affability of our commanding officer, rendered the scene to a young military enthusiast the most delightful that can be imagined; and, indeed, to any military man, what can be a more charming place than the mess-room of a united corps of officers? It is the home, the _happiest_ home, perhaps, of its members; and its enjoyments serve to compensate for the rougher endurances of a military life. In a properly regulated mess, indeed, the very best enjoyments of refined society are to be found.

The wine went round, I talked to every body, and every body talked to me; with the old Captains, who “had seen service,” I talked of the Indian and American wars; to the pipe-clay Adjutant,—of drills and field days; to the Surgeon—of wounds and hospitals; to the Paymaster—of cash and accounts; to the Quartermaster—of beef and clothing: with all I was at home, and from all I bore a joke or two on my _newcome_ situation with genuine patience, nay, with some degree of pleasure. On the whole, I was pretty well _au fait_, till the time when the non-commissioned officers came in to hand round the order-book for inspection. At first, when they entered in line, and faced about with the salute, I thought they were _singers_ specially brought in for the amusement of the mess, and was listening for a glee or a song from them, when one approached my chair, and placed before me, in his right hand, the order-book, which I conceived to be the song or music-book to serve as a reference while the singers performed their duty, and took it out of the sergeant's hand, coolly placing it before me. A smile and a stare from every face were directed at me, and in a few moments a general titter went round, which threw me into no little confusion. The sergeant now in a low tone said to me, “_The orders, Sir_.”

“Oh!” replied I, “it is all the same to me, what you sing; the _Colonel_ here will give you the orders.”

The stiffly screwed countenance of the sergeant, in spite of his efforts, relaxed into a smile, and a loud burst of laughter rung round the table, in which I very good-humouredly joined, when I learned my mistake from the president.

The mess broke up about half-past eleven o'clock, with a bumper to the new member—three times three—and the Colonel withdrew, as did the Captains and most of the Lieutenants, leaving me in company with three jolly Subs, like myself, very little inclined for “balmy sleep.” At their proposal, we sallied forth, and after a serenade or two of the most transcendent nature beneath some windows, better known to my companions than to me, we proceeded to “finish” the evening. The particulars of our proceedings I almost forget, and therefore must let them rest in the tomb of all the devilries.

The next day I may consider to have been my first appearance in public as a PROPERLY _authenticated_ officer in the army. I stood upon the parade fully equipped, and with my regiment. During all the time, I might as well have been in the pillory—nothing relieved me but pulling on and off my gloves, fixing my cravat, and playing with my sword-knot. I formed _one_ of those whom the admiring crowd gazed at. I was saluted every where by passing soldiers, and I gratified my vanity in this point, by repeatedly walking past the sentries on duty at the Palace, to hear them slap the butt-ends of their muskets, as they “carried arms” to compliment me. I was gazed at on the Steyne by the most captivating eyes—I was smiled at in the Library by the most fascinating faces—lovely lights gleamed on me from balconies, barouches, and donkeys' backs—pelisses flounced, and feathers waved for me—I was somebody, I was _everybody_—there was nobody in the world but _me—myself!_ at least I saw no one else worth a moment's consideration, except as far as their admiration of me was concerned. I never ate so many ices and jellies in my life; not for the love my appetite bore to such confections, but the lounge—the graceful halo which the discussion of an ice throws round the military figure in a pastry-cook's shop is every thing: It was delightful! and as to paying, I paid for all my friends; who, to say the truth of them, were obliging enough to assist in the ceremony as often as I pleased. Of course, many _agreeable_ ladies were present at these happy displays, who, with a _lee-tle_ persuasion (bless their modesty!) did their parts _remarkably_ well. The intervals of lounging thus about the town, the cliffs, &c. were filled up by billiards—at which game I delighted to play, merely because I could _not_ play, but fancied myself, like smatterers in all arts and sciences, a “pretty considerable” sort of performer. I, however, got a few good lessons, which, although I did not _profit_ by, yet they served the purpose of enabling me to pass an idle hour, and to set off my pecuniary advantages in a _proper_ manner. I lost some pounds at this “_amusement_” as it is called; but I had received a good stock of cash from my father on my appointment, for I believe the “old boy” was as much delighted with my ensigncy as I was myself, and would spare nothing to forward his son's interests in life, and enable him to support the dignity of his situation. Heaven help the worthy man! _interest_ and _dignity_ indeed! It would have been much better for me, and for himself, that he had confined his liberality to furnishing me with necessaries only, and obliged me to live on my pay.