SCENE II. _A room in FORD’S house.

_Enter FALSTAFF and MISTRESS FORD._

_Fal._ Mistress Ford, your sorrow hath eaten up my sufferance. I see you are obsequious in your love, and I profess requital to a hair’s breadth; not only, Mistress Ford, in the simple office of love, but in all the accoutrement, complement, and ceremony of it. But are you sure 5 of your husband now?

_Mrs Ford._ He’s a-birding, sweet Sir John.

_Mrs Page._ [_Within_] What, ho, gossip Ford! what, ho!

_Mrs Ford._ Step into the chamber, Sir John.

[_Exit Falstaff._

_Enter MISTRESS PAGE._

_Mrs Page._ How now, sweetheart! who’s at home besides 10 yourself?

_Mrs Ford._ Why, none but mine own people.

_Mrs Page._ Indeed!

_Mrs Ford._ No, certainly. [_Aside to her_] Speak louder.

_Mrs Page._ Truly, I am so glad you have nobody here. 15

_Mrs Ford._ Why?

_Mrs Page._ Why, woman, your husband is in his old lunes again: he so takes on yonder with my husband; so rails against all married mankind; so curses all Eve’s daughters, of what complexion soever; and so buffets himself 20 on the forehead, crying, ‘Peer out, peer out!’ that any madness I ever yet beheld seemed but tameness, civility, and patience, to this his distemper he is in now: I am glad the fat knight is not here.

_Mrs Ford._ Why, does he talk of him? 25

_Mrs Page._ Of none but him; and swears he was carried out, the last time he searched for him, in a basket; protests to my husband he is now here; and hath drawn him and the rest of their company from their sport, to make another experiment of his suspicion: but I am glad the 30 knight is not here; now he shall see his own foolery.

_Mrs Ford._ How near is he, Mistress Page?

_Mrs Page._ Hard by; at street end; he will be here anon.

_Mrs Ford._ I am undone!--the knight is here.

_Mrs Page._ Why, then, you are utterly shamed, and 35 he’s but a dead man. What a woman are you!--Away with him, away with him! better shame than murder.

_Mrs Ford._ Which way should he go? how should I bestow him? Shall I put him into the basket again?

_Re-enter FALSTAFF._

_Fal._ No, I’ll come no more i’ the basket. May I not 40 go out ere he come?

_Mrs Page._ Alas, three of Master Ford’s brothers watch the door with pistols, that none shall issue out; otherwise you might slip away ere he came. But what make you here? 45

_Fal._ What shall I do?--I’ll creep up into the chimney.

_Mrs Ford._ There they always use to discharge their birding-pieces. Creep into the kiln-hole.

_Fal._ Where is it?

_Mrs Ford._ He will seek there, on my word. Neither 50 press, coffer, chest, trunk, well, vault, but he hath an abstract for the remembrance of such places, and goes to them by his note: there is no hiding you in the house.

_Fal._ I’ll go out, then.

_Mrs Page._ If you go out in your own semblance, you 55 die, Sir John. Unless you go out disguised,--

_Mrs Ford._ How might we disguise him?

_Mrs Page._ Alas the day, I know not! There is no woman’s gown big enough for him; otherwise he might put on a hat, a muffler, and a kerchief, and so escape. 60

_Fal._ Good hearts, devise something: any extremity rather than a mischief.

_Mrs Ford._ My maid’s aunt, the fat woman of Brentford, has a gown above.

_Mrs Page._ On my word, it will serve him; she’s as big 65 as he is: and there’s her thrummed hat, and her muffler too. Run up, Sir John.

_Mrs Ford._ Go, go, sweet Sir John: Mistress Page and I will look some linen for your head.

_Mrs Page._ Quick, quick! we’ll come dress you straight: 70 put on the gown the while. [_Exit Falstaff._

_Mrs Ford._ I would my husband would meet him in this shape: he cannot abide the old woman of Brentford; he swears she’s a witch; forbade her my house, and hath threatened to beat her. 75

_Mrs Page._ Heaven guide him to thy husband’s cudgel, and the devil guide his cudgel afterwards!

_Mrs Ford._ But is my husband coming?

_Mrs Page._ Ay, in good sadness, is he; and talks of the basket too, howsoever he hath had intelligence. 80

_Mrs Ford._ We’ll try that; for I’ll appoint my men to carry the basket again, to meet him at the door with it, as they did last time.

_Mrs Page._ Nay, but he’ll be here presently: let’s go dress him like the witch of Brentford. 85

_Mrs Ford._ I’ll first direct my men what they shall do with the basket. Go up; I’ll bring linen for him straight. [_Exit._

_Mrs Page._ Hang him, dishonest varlet! we cannot misuse him enough. We’ll leave a proof, by that which we will do, 90 Wives may be merry, and yet honest too: We do not act that often jest and laugh; ’Tis old, but true,--Still swine eat all the draff. [_Exit._

_Re-enter MISTRESS FORD with two SERVANTS._

_Mrs Ford._ Go, sirs, take the basket again on your shoulders: your master is hard at door; if he bid you set it 95 down, obey him: quickly, dispatch. [_Exit._

_First Serv._ Come, come, take it up.

_Sec. Serv._ Pray heaven it be not full of knight again.

_First Serv._ I hope not; I had as lief bear so much lead.

_Enter FORD, PAGE, SHALLOW, CAIUS, and SIR HUGH EVANS._

_Ford._ Ay, but if it prove true, Master Page, have you 100 any way then to unfool me again? Set down the basket, villain! Somebody call my wife. Youth in a basket!--O you panderly rascals! there’s a knot, a ging, a pack, a conspiracy against me: now shall the devil be shamed. --What, wife, I say!--Come, come forth! Behold what honest 105 clothes you send forth to bleaching!

_Page._ Why, this passes, Master Ford; you are not to go loose any longer; you must be pinioned.

_Evans._ Why, this is lunatics! this is mad as a mad dog! 110

_Shal._ Indeed, Master Ford, this is not well, indeed.

_Ford._ So say I too, sir.

_Re-enter MISTRESS FORD._

Come hither, Mistress Ford; Mistress Ford, the honest woman, the modest wife, the virtuous creature, that hath the jealous fool to her husband! I suspect without cause, mistress, 115 do I?

_Mrs Ford._ Heaven be my witness you do, if you suspect me in any dishonesty.

_Ford._ Well said, brazen-face! hold it out. Come forth, sirrah! [_Pulling clothes out of the basket._ 120

_Page._ This passes!

_Mrs Ford._ Are you not ashamed? let the clothes alone.

_Ford._ I shall find you anon.

_Evans._ ’Tis unreasonable! Will you take up your wife’s clothes? Come away. 125

_Ford._ Empty the basket, I say!

_Mrs Ford._ Why, man, why?

_Ford._ Master Page, as I am a man, there was one conveyed out of my house yesterday in this basket: why may not he be there again? In my house I am sure he is: my 130 intelligence is true; my jealousy is reasonable. Pluck me out all the linen.

_Mrs Ford._ If you find a man there, he shall die a flea’s death.

_Page._ Here’s no man. 135

_Shal._ By my fidelity, this is not well, Master Ford; this wrongs you.

_Evans._ Master Ford, you must pray, and not follow the imaginations of your own heart: this is jealousies.

_Ford._ Well, he’s not here I seek for. 140

_Page._ No, nor nowhere else but in your brain.

_Ford._ Help to search my house this one time. If I find not what I seek, show no colour for my extremity; let me for ever be your table-sport; let them say of me, ‘As jealous as Ford, that searched a hollow walnut for his wife’s 145 leman.’ Satisfy me once more; once more search with me.

_Mrs Ford._ What, ho, Mistress Page! come you and the old woman down; my husband will come into the chamber.

_Ford._ Old woman! what old woman’s that?

_Mrs Ford._ Why, it is my maid’s aunt of Brentford. 150

_Ford._ A witch, a quean, an old cozening quean! Have I not forbid her my house? She comes of errands, does she? We are simple men; we do not know what’s brought to pass under the profession of fortune-telling. She works by charms, by spells, by the figure, and such daubery as 155 this is, beyond our element: we know nothing. Come down, you witch, you hag, you; come down, I say!

_Mrs Ford._ Nay, good, sweet husband!--Good gentlemen, let him not strike the old woman.

_Re-enter FALSTAFF in woman’s clothes, and MISTRESS PAGE._

_Mrs Page._ Come, Mother Prat; come, give me your 160 hand.

_Ford._ I’ll prat her. [_Beating him_] Out of my door, you witch, you hag, you baggage, you polecat, you ronyon! out, out! I’ll conjure you, I’ll fortune-tell you. [_Exit Falstaff._

_Mrs Page._ Are you not ashamed? I think you have 165 killed the poor woman.

_Mrs Ford._ Nay, he will do it. ’Tis a goodly credit for you.

_Ford._ Hang her, witch!

_Evans._ By yea and no, I think the ’oman is a witch indeed: 170 I like not when a ’oman has a great peard; I spy a great peard under his muffler.

_Ford._ Will you follow, gentlemen? I beseech you, follow; see but the issue of my jealousy: if I cry out thus upon no trail, never trust me when I open again. 175

_Page._ Let’s obey his humour a little further: come, gentlemen. [_Exeunt Ford, Page, Shal., Caius, and Evans._

_Mrs Page._ Trust me, he beat him most pitifully.

_Mrs Ford._ Nay, by the mass, that he did not; he beat him most unpitifully methought. 180

_Mrs Page._ I’ll have the cudgel hallowed and hung o’er the altar; it hath done meritorious service.

_Mrs Ford._ What think you? may we, with the warrant of womanhood and the witness of a good conscience, pursue him with any further revenge? 185

_Mrs Page._ The spirit of wantonness is, sure, scared out of him: if the devil have him not in fee-simple, with fine and recovery, he will never, I think, in the way of waste, attempt us again.

_Mrs Ford._ Shall we tell our husbands how we have 190 served him?

_Mrs Page._ Yes, by all means; if it be but to scrape the figures out of your husband’s brains. If they can find in their hearts the poor unvirtuous fat knight shall be any further afflicted, we two will still be the ministers. 195

_Mrs Ford._ I’ll warrant they’ll have him publicly shamed: and methinks there would be no period to the jest, should he not be publicly shamed.

_Mrs Page._ Come, to the forge with it, then; shape it: I would not have things cool. [_Exeunt._ 200

NOTES: IV, 2

18: _lunes_] Theobald. _lines_ Ff Q3. _vaine_ (Q1 Q2). 33: _street_] F1 Q3. _streets_ F2 F3 F4. 39: Re-enter F.] Enter. F2. 40: SCENE III. Pope. 43: _pistols_] _Pistol_ Jackson conj. 48: _Creep into the kiln-hole_] Given to Mrs Page by Dyce (Malone conj.). 55: Mrs Page] (Q1 Q2) Malone. Mist. Ford. Ff Q3. 57: Mrs Ford] om. F2 F3 F4. 62: _a mischief_] _mischief_ F4. 63, 73, 85, 150, and passim: _Brentford_] _Brainford_ (Q1 Q2) Ff Q3. 66: _thrummed_] _thrum’d_ F1 F2 F3. _thrumb_ F4. 89: _him_] F2 F3 F4. om. F1 Q3. 98: _knight_] F1 Q3. _the knight_ F2 F3 F4. 99: _as lief_] F2 F3 F4. _liefe as_ F1 Q3. 100: SCENE IV. Pope. 102: _villain_] _villains_ Dyce. _Youth in a basket_] _you youth in a basket come out here_ Malone (from Q1 Q2). 103: _ging_] F2 F3 F4. _gin_ F1 Q3 _gang_ Rowe. 104: _shamed_] _ashamed_ F2. 105: _wife_] om. Rowe. 159: _not_] om. F1. 160: SCENE V. Pope. Re-enter ... clothes] Rowe. Enter Fal. Ff. and Mistress Page] Pope. 163: _hag_] F3 F4. _ragge_ F1. _hagge_ Q3. _rag_ F2. 170: _By yea and no_] _By Jeshu_ (Q1 Q2). 171: _’oman_] _’omans_ Q3. 172: _his_] Ff Q3. _her_ (Q1 Q2) Pope. 175: _trail_] F1 Q3 F2 F3. _Tryal_ F4. 188: _fine_] _find_ Q3. 193: _brains_] _brain_ F3 F4. 197: _period_] _right period_ Hanmer. 198: _the jest_] _jest_ Q3. 199: _it, then; shape it:_] _it, then shape it:_ Ff Q3.