Part 1

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The Mania of the Nations on the Planet Mars and its Terrific Consequences

A Combination of Fun and Wisdom by A. CALMADENKER

Published in the Year 55 E.D. on Mars (1915 A.D. on Earth) BY THE DENKER PUBLISHERS, INC. 30 CHURCH STREET, NEW YORK

Copyright, 1915 by THE DENKER PUBLISHERS, INC.

THE MANIA OF THE NATIONS ON THE PLANET MARS

Many millions of centuries ago, when the celestial globe on which we live and struggle started to emerge from the hot-air habit and commenced to cool down and come to its senses, a huge mass of syrup-like material sagged down toward the lower end of the cooling ball and, upon further cooling, formed a high promontory at what we to-day call the South Pole. As a consequence we now find there a plateau of an elevation far exceeding in height the highest mountains found elsewhere on our venerable globe.

You may imagine if you can how cold it must be there. The North Pole is supposed to be cool enough for anybody who hates to go to sleep in an overheated bedroom; but it has been shown to be a depression in the earth’s crust filled with ice, and it therefore does not mount far above sea level, while the South Pole, aside from lacking the sun’s comforting perpendicular rays, reaches besides so high up in the atmospheric layers as to preclude all possibility of the prevalence of hot birds. Cold bottles are about the only means of enjoyment which the tourists, thirsting for amusement, find there at their disposal.

Professor FANSEE of the Dreemo University was a courageous man. He may have been afflicted with a creepy feeling in the still, mysterious shadows of the night; he may have had a constant fear of spooks and all sorts of ferocious beasts; he may have stood in perpetual awe of his innocent-looking wife; but it must be said to his everlasting glory that he was not at all afraid of the cold. It is being whispered that after many years of married life his affectionate spouse had at last succeeded in more or less accustoming him to frigidity.

Professor FANSEE, moreover, was an expert in astronomy, chemistry and electricity. With a smile of derision he had watched for years the futile efforts on the part of certain scientists to communicate with the planet Mars. Long ago an idea had ripened in his fertile brain that he knew would ultimately lead to the desired end. The highest plateau on earth having been shown to be located at the South Pole, he decided to direct his Zee-rays from this cool and calm promontory. For this purpose he caused an enormous hollow globe to be built of non-conducting material, so arranged that the inner chambers would retain an upright position while the ball would be merrily rolling along. By means of powerful storage batteries within this potent structure the apparatus was made self-propelling. With this rolling vehicle at his beck and call, he needed no ships to cross the Antarctic ocean, no derricks to hoist his globular observatory to the highest peak; and without notifying the press, unostentatiously as befits a serious-minded scientist, he arrived one fine morning at the highest point of that celestial conveyance which we call the earth.

From this elevation he industriously worked his ingenious device. For six months he shot his Zee-rays day and night at the unsuspecting Martians. For six months his endeavors seemed utterly fruitless. Then, of a sudden, in the middle of the night, a faint wail was heard in the Professor’s receiving apparatus; a manifestation of the first indication that his brain-child had actually come into healthful being. For two weeks, at intervals of twenty minutes, Professor FANSEE cautiously manipulated his quivering wires. Then, at last, to his unbounded joy and satisfaction, the first communication from Mars became intelligible. From that moment on, it took but a few days to come to an understanding with the mystic inhabitants of our misty neighbor; and an interesting narrative was thus obtained of conditions prevailing on the presumably canal-infested planet.

Professor FANSEE unfortunately breathed his last before returning to his native land. But I had had the honor of acting as his assistant and confidant. And although to my keen disappointment the globe in which we traveled was wrecked on the rocks while making a landing on the shores of New Zealand, I had the good fortune of safely swimming ashore and of saving the papers containing the interesting revelations. So, with due credit to Professor FANSEE, and with fond recollections of his erudite personality, I believe myself justified in revealing the Martian episode to my terrestrial fellowmen.

The marked similarity with events on our own celestial empire may strike my readers as a singular coincidence. But according to prehistoric astrologers, all events are controlled by the position of the stars. And, if they do control the course of events on our earth, it seems but natural that they should similarly affect some of the other members of our solar system.

First of all, as Professor FANSEE had always been profoundly interested in questions of religion, and as his first inquiries consequently dealt with this highly important subject, it should be stated that for eighteen centuries and a half the ruling religion on the planet Mars had been the religion of NAZARRO. NAZARRO was a God who, according to the Martians, materialized in human form on the planet Mars. This God preached a gospel of peace, of the curbing of passions, and of equal division of wealth. So the Roamani and the Heebrons, among whom he dwelt, sought to punish His revolutionary agitations by hanging Him on the gallows. Thus the sign of the gallows became a sign of sanctity revered by NAZARRO’S followers, and the emblem of a new faith. The members of the religious sect so created and which for fifteen centuries continued to grow in power were known as the Nazarranos.

About the end of the fifteenth century E.N. (the Era of NAZARRO) the trend of civilization commenced to take a somewhat different direction. If the Nazarranos had limited themselves to spreading the precepts of NAZARRO unchanged, our Martian informer thought, all of the inhabitants of Mars would unswervingly have recognized their excellence. But only a few among the Martians were mentally as lofty as had been the Great Nazarrano Teacher. Consequently, when the Nazarranos organized a Nazarrano corporation under the personal direction of certain lower and higher functionaries, these functionaries, supposedly for the honor of NAZARRO, often resorted to methods of which NAZARRO Himself would never have approved. The unavoidable result was that certain Martians seriously began to doubt the superiority of the whole Nazarrano faith.

Meanwhile, from remote antiquity down to this interesting era, the minds of the Martians had gradually developed to ever greater efficiency; and it so happened that at this time they commenced to investigate the phenomena of Nature far more systematically than they had ever done before. In connection with the Nazarrano faith a mystic story had been preached of the creation of the Universe, gathered from the Heebron manuscripts, and which made the Martians believe that Mars was a flat slice of land floating on water, around which the remainder of the Universe majestically rotated. So when a Martian by the name of GALELIAH discovered that Mars was a globe, and that Mars rotated round the Sun, and not the Sun around Mars, the Nazarrano corporation officials strenuously objected, for they saw in his suggestion the first signs of disbelief. Notwithstanding the opposition of the Nazarrano officials, various sciences began to develop in other directions, until the Nazarranos were forced, little by little, to change their views of creation. In every instance the Nazarrano dignitaries registered their objections in vain with greater or lesser vehemence. At last, in the year 1859 E.N., a new prophet arose, bearing the euphonic name of DARVINO. In the country of the Frank-Aulians, otherwise known as the Fringe, a book had previously been published by LAMARCKEESO, suggesting that the development of the Universe was due to a process of evolution; and the intrepid DARVINO rigged a ship to search for proofs, and published these proofs convincingly in the said memorable year 1859 E.N.

From that time on, a new faith began to conquer the minds of the Martians. To a numerous group of scientists the year 1861 E.N. became the year 1 E.D. (Era of DARVINO). A new religious sect came into being known as the Darvinianos. And although a large majority of the Nazarranos continued to profess their older faith, their views of the Universe as well as their conceptions of proper living were, nevertheless, ever more definitely influenced by the Darviniano conclusions.

Now the belief in personal Gods, of which the Nazarrano faith had been the latest outgrowth, had prevailed on the planet Mars for innumerable centuries. The Martian idea of morality had for an almost unlimited era been taught to the young in so close a connection with the faith in personal and semi-human Deities, that it seemed to the Martians that this faith was the rock on which moral conduct was necessarily to be founded. The faith in personally supervising Divinities had penetrated the customs and moral conceptions not only of the Nazarranos, but well nigh of all the Martian nations and religious sects. It had grown to be to all appearances inseparable from the Martians’ way of giving vent to their emotional longings and inclinations. On the other hand, the Darviniano conclusions contained nothing of an emotional nature. They sprang from the intellect, and appealed to the intellect only.

As the year 1859 E.N. on Mars corresponds exactly with the year 1859 A.D. on earth, it may readily be seen that at the time of Professor FANSEE’S intercourse with our neighboring planet, the Darviniano faith had prevailed only for a little over half a century. Of course, new faiths, new religions, new philosophies, cannot ripen to completeness in so short a lapse of time. Hence, in order to satisfy their emotional longings and moral desires, the Martians continued to resort to the Nazarrano manuscripts, adopting meanwhile the intellectual views of the Darvinianos, and trying as best they could to harmonize the two systems of thought. But try as they might, they were ever and again confronted by disturbing contradictions. This inevitably gave rise to an unsettled emotional condition, which our Martian informer indeed seemed deeply to deplore, but which--in his clearly expressed opinion--would beyond doubt make way for a renewed era of moral stability and mental ease, so soon as the Darviniano faith had been made more nearly complete--and hence more satisfactory--by an infusion of the emotional element.

Having in this way concisely explained the religious situation on the whirling Canal-globe, our informant, who evidently was an erudite philosopher delegated for this purpose, suddenly changed the subject in order that he might acquaint us with the principal international political events that had occurred on Mars during the Nazarrano era.

To our astonishment we received the unmistakable impression that the social conditions on the earthlike planet are as yet extremely primitive. It seems that, in ancient times, those groups of Martians who inhabited territories surrounded by mountains and forests or bordered by oceans and rivers, were forced to consider these natural boundaries as insurmountable barriers, and that these barriers made their communication with other groups of Martians almost impossible. Each of these groups was thus for many long centuries constrained to lead an isolated existence. The tribes that occupied one valley never came in contact with the inhabitants of other valleys. One group of Martians would dwell at one side of some large forest; on the other side some other group would be struggling along; but the two groups never met to interchange their views or to learn in what way the other had increased the comforts of life. Naturally, therefore, each group developed a language and crude civilization of its own, and the result was the division of the inhabitants of Mars into separate nations, each with its own peculiar customs and ideals.

As science advanced, the communication between these isolated nations was ever more facilitated, and their mutual relations became ever more intimate. At the time at which Professor FANSEE received his remarkable message, perfect intercommunication had been established by means of railroads, steamship lines, telegraphs and telephones. The Martians had even commenced to travel through the air from one country to another. In this manner all the nations were enabled to benefit by the scientific progress made by any one of them.

Now if each nation had been sufficient unto itself, if each country had from its own resources provided all the ingredients it needed under its more progressive form of civilization, it might to an extent have been sensible for the various groups of Martians to say to one another: “We are mighty glad to come in contact with you, and we are deeply interested in your customs and ideals, which seem at first sight so very much at variance with our own, and which are nevertheless at bottom so very similar to ours; but as we do not see the slightest benefit in changing the conditions that be, we prefer not to destroy our national individuality. For our national pride has grown to be a sacred idol among us, with which no higher ideals of a more expanded brotherhood should be permitted to interfere.” But our Martian informer stated that in actuality none of the Martian nations really _is_ sufficient unto itself. With the broadened requirements of life which inevitably followed in the wake of scientific development and mental expansion, it was found that each nation produces articles of some special type, of which all the other nations are keenly and continually in need. The soil of one country is rich in certain products not found in other countries, even though these other countries require them as well. In fact, it was soon disclosed that all civilized nations are utterly dependent upon each other, both mentally and physically.

Under these circumstances, the unprejudiced observer would naturally expect the nations to form some sort of an alliance or federation for mutual protection, and with a view to a sensible combination of interests. Yet so short-sighted have been the evidently narrow-minded Martians until now, that they have utterly failed to take any such step. Nay, instead of cooperating with each other, the nations actually antagonize one another with blind stupidity. Small-minded jealousies and hatreds, expressing themselves especially in a peculiar international science which the Martians call dip-low-macy, keep the nations aloof from one another, and make sworn hereditary enemies of nations that should entertain naught but friendly and cooperative relations. Even those nations which have acquired the same faith, the same hopes, the same aspirations, continue to lead their isolated national existence, carefully nursing their mutual petty hatreds and malice against other nationalities. Inasmuch as pretty nearly all the Martian nations seem to be afflicted with this malicious nationality-mania, the planet Mars, as seen from the earth, inevitably makes the impression of one vast lunatic asylum, nationality-mania being the dreadful malady from which the Mars-bound patients are unfortunately suffering. Their minds seem to be as much in a whirl as is the rolling planet which they inhabit.

This most unfortunate mental disease even disrupts and destroys the much vaunted bonds of a common religious faith.

On the planet Mars, aside from the Nazarranos, another religious sect flourishes, founded by a prophet whose name, as far as we could decipher, was MOE HAMID. This MOE HAMID strictly prohibited the use of the mussel as an article of nourishment. And by the law of contradiction or by the irony of fate, the sect has ever since been known as the Musselmen. Now these Musselmen, although dispersed among different nationalities, have really formed a sort of brotherhood founded on their faith. Whenever a holy war is declared in earnest, all Musselmen stand together. That the members of this sect should refer to the Nazarrano-Darvinianos as dogs, may be deplorably one-sided, but can readily be understood. At any rate the Musselmen are known to stick together. Among the Darvinized Nazarranos, however, cooperative brotherhood is totally lacking. One of the Nazarrano-Darviniano nations looks upon another such nation as a contemptible pack of dogs; one nation considers the other to be an aggregate of low barbarians; and every single nation among them envies all the others any political power or industrial prosperity which by long-continued effort they may have attained.

Even though both NAZARRO and DARVINO were fervent advocates of peace and tolerance, the nations which are supposed to follow these two Masters direct their best intelligence and scientific accomplishments toward the invention of infernal devices with which to maim and destroy one another. Every new discovery made by scientific searchers is at once seized upon for the purpose of making these engines of torture ever more deadly, ever more maliciously destructive. As he deciphered these words one dreary night, Professor FANSEE whispered to me in confidence that he had absolutely lost his belief in the actual existence of Hell; but that this revelation was making him reconsider his non-belief. And, he added, if there is such a place, I am fully convinced that, then, I have beyond doubt located it on the planet Mars. Think of this insensate chaos of low emotions, of this ceaseless courting of suffering, death and devastation among nations which should have formed a solid bond of friendship and mutual respect, and which, had they done so, might all have peaceably enjoyed all the wealth of the Universe. And when you behold their primitive lack of all kindly feeling, reflect that these nationality-maniacs are so utterly deluded as to bluntly call themselves Nazarranos and to pray to the God of NAZARRO for success in their wantonly destructive pursuits!

Stirred to the depth by this display of unutterable stupidity or seemingly hopeless irrationality, we anxiously waited for further details. Little by little, we subsequently succeeded in deciphering them. It seems that among the antagonistic Nazarrano-Darviniano nations there were two to whom our Martian informer referred with particular emphasis.

One of these, inhabiting a country called Two-Tonia, seems to be known to the Martians as the TWO-TONS. Upon inquiry it was found that on Mars the names by which the nations are known are in some instances derived from their mental characteristics. The Two-Tons have the reputation of being mentally heavy. Each Two-Ton is supposed to carry two tons of brain matter; and in many individual cases this weight unfortunately becomes so oppressive as to make them apparently incapable of acquiring or developing the amiable and pliable mental graces that adorn the minds of a few other nationalities.

The Two-Tons excel many other nations in depth and scientific thoroughness. They have increased their depth by digging very deep into any subject to which they devote their attention. That in their arguments in connection with the Darviniano philosophy, aside from empirical pursuits, they are apt to dig in the wrong direction, our Martian informer promised to demonstrate. Digging as deep as they do, one may easily understand, if they really start digging in the wrong direction, how very far from their philosophic object they are likely to wind up in the end.

Among those nationalities whose national pride stands in the way of an appreciation of the merits of other nations, the Two-Tons must be counted foremost. To them all other Nazarrano-Darviniano nations seem utterly worthless and absurdly inferior. For this reason they prefer occasional association or alliance with the Musselmen, although they are supposed to be praying to the Nazarrano God, placing meanwhile their faith in the Darviniano philosophy. Their contempt for other Nazarrano nations knows no limit. They consider themselves the creators and guardians of a special form of civilization, endlessly superior to the degree of mental growth reached in other countries. However absurd and conceited this may seem, it must at the same time be acknowledged that the brain-weight of the Two-Tons has led to some remarkably constructive results. In the short lapse of time of forty years, making use of the material gathered in earlier periods, they have succeeded in erecting a palatial edifice of science and industry far exceeding in excellence and unity of construction the many isolated buildings erected for the same purpose in the course of a few centuries in other countries. How great and rich this nation could therefore have grown, had they quietly fostered in their own hearts their elation at their wonderful progress, and had they not permitted contradictory delusions to mar the solidity of their accomplishments!

It should be mentioned that among the products which this nation was preparing with scientific care was a dangerous explosive that was placed upon the national market under the name of Militarism. Every able-bodied male citizen was compelled to devote a certain number of years to the manufacture of this highly explosive product. As a consequence there was such a superabundance of the stuff in their country, that they decided to store barrels upon barrels of it in the basement of their wonderfully constructed edifice. Moreover, they placed a fuse in every room and hall of the well-constructed building, so that they might be in a position to blow the whole structure up at a moment’s notice, apparently just for spite, in case of a quarrel with some other nation. Great engines were constructed of precious metal from which this explosive was to hurl huge balls, scientific stinkpots and other malicious missiles into the ranks of the contemplated enemy. And as these engines were wont to cough up their deadly projectiles with an earsplitting noise, the factory where the engines were produced was facetiously referred to as the CROUP-factory. The time indeed came when an explosion did occur, of which the terrific results are as yet incapable of compilation.

Another product of a very different kind, manufactured by the Two-Tons, was mentioned by our Martian informer, the real character of which Professor FANSEE had some difficulty in deciphering. At first the Professor translated its name as Koaltar, but as the word was repeated, it proved to be some sort of national talisman to which they give the name of Kooltoor. The real meaning of this word is still wrapped in mystery. It would seem, however, that just as our word Culture refers to the mental development of the individual, so is the word Kooltoor used to denote the mental and physical development of the Two-Ton nation as a whole. I expect that Two-Tonia will be mentioned later in Professor FANSEE’S manuscript in connection with further international Martian events.