Chapter 5
_Serj_. Ay, ay--reason, and my client's conveniency, Mr. Plausible, will always controul my opinion, depend upon it: ay, ay! there you are right. Sir, I attend you. [_Exeunt Lawyers._
_Sir Per_. I am sorry, my lord, extremely sorry indeed, that this mistake has happened.
_Lord Lum_. Upon my honour, and so am I, Sir Pertinax.
_Sir Per_. But come now, after aw, your lordship must allow you have been in the wrong: come, my dear lord, you must allow me that now.
_Lord Lum_. How so, my dear Sir Pertinax?
_Sir Per_. Not about the boroughs, my lord, for those I do no mind of a bawbee;--but about your distrust of my friendship.--Why, do you think now--I appeal till your ain breast, my lord--do you think, I say, that I should ever have slighted your lordship's nomination till these boroughs.
_Lord Lum_. Why, really, I do not think you would, Sir Pertinax, but one must be directed by one's lawyer, you know.
_Sir Per_. Hah! my lord, lawyers are a dangerous species of animals to have any dependance upon: they are always starting punctilios and difficulties among friends. Why, my dear lord, it is their interest that aw mankind should be at variance: for disagreement is the vary manure with which they enrich and fatten the land of litigation; and as they find that that constantly promotes the best crop, depend upon it, they will always be sure to lay it on as thick as they can.
_Lord Lum_. Come, come, my dear Sir Pertinax, you must not be angry with the serjeant for his insisting so warmly on this point--for those boroughs, you know, are my sheet anchor.
_Sir Per_. I know it, my lord,--and, as an instance of my promptness to study, and of my acquiescence till your lordship's inclination, as I see that this Serjeant Eitherside wishes you weel and you him, I think now he would be as guid a man to be returned for one of those boroughs as could be pitched upon--and as such, I humbly recommend him till your lordship's consideration.
_Lord Lum_. Why, my dear Sir Pertinax, to tell you the truth, I have already promised him. He must be in for one of them, and that is one reason why I insisted so strenuously: he must be in.
_Sir Per_. And why not? odswunds! why not? is nai your word a fiat? and will it nai be always so till me? are ye nai my friend--my patron--and are we nai, by this match of our children, to be united intill one interest?
_Lord Lum_. So I understand it, I own, Sir Pertinax.
_Sir Per_. My lord, it can nai be otherwise: then, for Heaven's sake, as your lordship and I can have but one interest for the future, let us have nai mair words about these paltry boroughs, but conclude the agreement just as it stands; otherwise there must be new writings drawn, new consultations of lawyers, new objections and delays will arise,--creditors will be impatient and impertinent, so that we shall nai finish the Lord knows when.
_Lord Lum_. You are right, you are right: say no more, Mac, say no more. Split the lawyers--you judge the point better than all Westminster-hall could. It shall stand as it is: yes, you shall settle it your own way: for your interest and mine are the same, I see plainly.
_Sir Per_. No doubt of it, my lord.
_Lord Lum_. O! here the lawyers come.
_Enter Counsellor_ PLAUSIBLE _and Serjeant_ EITHERSIDE.
_Lord Lum_. So, gentlemen--well, what have you done? how are your opinions now?
_Serj_. My lord, Mr. Plausible has convinced me--fully convinced me.
_Plaus_. Yes, my lord, I have convinced him; I have laid such arguments before Mr. Serjeant as were irresistible.
_Serj_. He has indeed, my lord: besides, as Sir Pertinax gives his honour that your lordship's nomination shall be sacredly observed, why, upon a nearer review of the whole matter, I think it will be the wiser measure to conclude the agreement just as it is drawn.
_Lord Lum_. I am very glad you think so, Mr. Serjeant, because that is my opinion too: so, my dear Eitherside, do you and Plausible dispatch the business now as soon as possible.
_Serj_. My lord, every thing will be ready in less than an hour. Come, Mr. Plausible, let us go and fill up the blanks, and put the last hand to the writings on our part.
_Plaus_. I attend you, Mr. Serjeant. [_Exeunt Lawyers_.
_Lord Lum_. And while the lawyers are preparing the writings, Sir Pertinax, I will go and saunter with the women.
_Sir Per_. Do, do, my lord: and I will come till you presently.
_Lord Lum_. Very well, my dear Mac, I shall expect you. [_Exit singing, 'Sons of care,' &c._
_Sir Per_. So! a little flattery mixt with the finesse of a gilded promise on one side, and a quantum sufficit of the aurum palpabile on the other, have at last made me the happiest father in Great-Britain. Hah! my heart expands itself, as it were thro' every part of my whole body, at the completion of this business, and feels nothing but dignity and elevation.--Hauld! hauld! bide a wee! bide a wee! I have but one little matter mair in this affair to adjust, and then, Sir Pertinax, you may dictate till Fortune herself, and send her to govern fools, while you shew and convince the world that wise men always govern her. Wha's there? [_Enter Footman._]--Tell my son Egerton, I would speak with him here in the library. [_Exit Footman_]--Now I have settled the grand point with my lord, this, I think, is the proper juncture to feel the political pulse of my spark, and, once for aw, to set it to the exact measure that I would have it constantly beat. [_Enter_ Egerton.]--Come hither, Charles.
_Eger_. Your pleasure, sir.
_Sir Per_. About twa hours since I told you, Charles, that I received this letter express, complaining of your brother's activity at an election in Scotland against a particular friend of mine, which has given great offence; and, sir, you are mentioned in the letter as weel as he: to be plain, I must roundly tell you, that on this interview depends my happiness as a father and as a man; and my affection to you, sir, as a son for the remainder of our days.
_Eger_. I hope, sir, I shall never do any thing either to forfeit your affection, or disturb your happiness.
_Sir Per_. I hope so too--but to the point.--The fact is this: there has been a motion made this vary day to bring on the grand affair--which is settled for Friday seven-night:--now, sir, as you are popular--have talents, and are weel heard, it is expected, and I insist upon it, that you endeavour to atone, sir, for your late misconduct, by preparing, and taking a large share in that question, and supporting it with aw your power.
_Eger_, Sir, I have always divided as you directed, except on one occasion; never voted against your friends, only in that affair.--But, sir, I hope you will not so exert your influence as to insist upon my supporting a measure by an obvious, prostituted sophistry, in direct opposition to my character and my conscience.
_Sir Per_. Conscience! why, you are mad! did you ever hear any man talk of conscience in political matters? Conscience, quotha? I have been in Parliament these three and thraty years, and never heard the term made use of before:--sir, it is an unparliamentary word, and you will be laughed at for it;--therefore I desire you will not offer to impose upon me with sic phantoms, but let me know your reason for thus slighting my friends and disobeying my commands.--Sir, give me an immediate and an explicit answer.
_Eger_. Then, sir, I must frankly tell you, that you work against my nature; you would connect me with men I despise, and press me into measures I abhor; would make me a devoted slave to selfish leaders, who have no friendship but in faction--no merit but in corruption--nor interest in any measure, but their own;--and to such men I cannot submit; for know, sir, that the malignant ferment which the venal ambition of the times provokes in the heads and hearts of other men, I detest.
_Sir Per_. What are you about, sir? malignant ferment! and venal ambition! Sir, every man should be ambitious to serve his country--and every man should be rewarded for it: and pray, sir, would nai you wish to serve your country? Answer me that.--I say, would nai you wish to serve your country?
_Eger_. Only shew me how I can serve my country, and my life is hers. Were I qualified to lead her armies, to steer her fleets, and deal her honest vengeance on her insulting foes;--or could my eloquence pull down a state leviathan, mighty by the plunder of his country--black with the treasons of her disgrace, and send his infamy down to a free posterity, as a monumental terror to corrupt ambition, I would be foremost in such service, and act it with the unremitting ardour of a Roman spirit.
_Sir Per_. Vary weel, sir! vary weel! the fellow is beside himself!
_Eger_. But to be a common barker at envied power--to beat the drum of faction, and sound the trumpet of insidious patriotism, only to displace a rival,--or to be a servile voter in proud corruption's filthy train,--to market out my voice, my reason, and my trust, to the party-broker, who best can promise, or pay for prostitution; these, sir, are services my nature abhors,--for they are such a malady to every kind of virtue, as must in time destroy the fairest constitution that ever wisdom framed, or virtuous liberty fought for.
_Sir Per_. Why, are you mad, sir? you have certainly been bit by some mad whig or other: but now, sir, after aw this foul-mouthed frenzy, and patriotic vulgar intemperance, suppose we were to ask you a plain question or twa: Pray, what single instance can you, or any man, give of the political vice or corruption of these days, that has nai been practised in the greatest states, and in the most virtuous times? I challenge you to give me a single instance.
_Eger_. Your pardon, sir--it is a subject I wish to decline: you know, sir, we never can agree about it.
_Sir Per_. Sir, I insist upon an answer.
_Eger_. I beg you will excuse me, sir.
_Sir Per_. I will not excuse you, sir. I insist.
_Eger_. Then, sir, in obedience, and with your patience, I will answer your question.
_Sir Per_. Ay! ay! I will be patient, never fear: come, let us have it, let us have it.
_Eger_. You shall; and now, sir, let prejudice, the rage of party, and the habitual insolence of successful vice--pause but for one moment,--and let religion, laws, power herself, the policy of a nation's virtue, and Britain's guardian genius, take a short, impartial retrospect but of one transaction, notorious in this land,--then must they behold yeomen, freemen, citizens, artizans, divines, courtiers, patriots, merchants, soldiers, sailors, and the whole plebeian tribe, in septennial procession, urged and seduced by the contending great ones of the land to the altar of perjury,--with the bribe in one hand, and the evangelist in the other,--impiously, and audaciously affront the Majesty of Heaven, by calling him to witness that they have not received, nor ever will receive, reward or consideration for his suffrage.--Is not this a fact, sir? Can it be denied? Can it be believed by those who know not Britain? Or can it be matched in the records of human policy?--Who then, sir, that reflects one moment, as a Briton or a Christian, on this picture, would be conducive to a people's infamy and a nation's ruin?
_Sir Per_. Sir, I have heard your rhapsody with a great deal of patience! and great astonishment,--and you are certainly beside yourself. What the devil business have you to trouble your head about the sins or the Souls of other men? You should leave these matters till the clergy, wha are paid for looking after them; and let every man gang till the devil his ain way: besides, it is nai decent to find fault with what is winked at by the whole nation--nay, and practised by aw parties.
_Eger_. That, sir, is the very shame, the ruin I complain of.
_Sir Per_. Oh! you are vary young, vary young in these matters, but experience will convince you, sir, that every man in public business has twa consciences,--a religious, and a political conscience. Why, you see a merchant now, or a shop-keeper, that kens the science of the world, always looks upon an oath at a custom-house, or behind a counter, only as an oath in business, a thing of course, a mere thing of course, that has nothing to do with religion;--and just so it is at an election:--for instance now--I am a candidate, pray observe, and I gang till a periwig-maker, a hatter, or a hosier, and I give ten, twenty, or thraty guineas for a periwig, a hat, or a pair of hose; and so on, thro' a majority of voters;--vary weel;--what is the consequence? Why, this commercial intercourse, you see, begets a friendship betwixt us, a commercial friendship--and, in a day or twa these men gang and give me their suffrages; weel! what is the inference? Pray, sir, can you, or any lawyer, divine, or casuist, cawl this a bribe? Nai, sir, in fair political reasoning, it is ainly generosity on the one side, and gratitude on the other. So, sir, let me have nai mair of your religious or philosophical refinements, but prepare, attend, and speak till the question, or you are nai son of mine. Sir, I insist upon it.
_Enter_ SAM.
_Sam_. Sir, my lord says the writings are now ready, and his lordship and the lawyers are waiting for you and Mr. Egerton.
_Sir Per_. Vary weel: we'll attend his lordship. [_Exit_ Sam.] I tell you, Charles, aw this conscientious refinement in politics is downright ignorance, and impracticable romance; and, sir, I desire I may hear no more of it. Come, sir, let us gang down and finish this business.
_Eger_. [_Stopping Sir_ Per. _as he is going off,_] Sir, with your permission, I beg you will first hear a word or two upon this subject.
_Sir Per_. Weel, sir, what would you say?
_Eger_. I have often resolved to let you know my aversion to this match.--
_Sir Per_. How, sir!
_Eger_. But my respect, and fear of disobliging you, have hitherto kept me silent--
_Sir Per_. Your aversion! your aversion, sir! how dare you use sic language till me? Your aversion! Look you, sir, I shall cut the matter vary short:--consider, my fortune is nai inheritance; aw mine ain acquisition: I can make ducks and drakes of it; so do not provoke me, but sign the articles directly.
_Eger_. I beg your pardon, sir, but I must be free on this occasion, and tell you at once, that I can no longer dissemble the honest passion that fills my heart for another woman.
_Sir Per_. How! another woman! and, you villain, how dare you love another woman without my leave? But what other woman--wha is she? Speak, sir, speak.
_Eger_. Constantia.
_Sir Per_. Constantia! oh, you profligate! what! a creature taken in for charity!
_Eger_. Her poverty is not her crime, sir, but her misfortune: her birth is equal to the noblest; and virtue, tho' covered with a village garb, is virtue still; and of more worth to me than all the splendor of ermined pride or redundant wealth. Therefore, sir--
_Sir Per_. Haud your jabbering, you villain, haud your jabbering; none of your romance or refinement till me. I have but one question to ask you--but one question--and then I have done with you for ever, for ever; therefore think before you answer:--Will you marry the lady, or will you break my heart?
_Eger_. Sir, my presence shall not offend you any longer: but when reason and reflection take their turn, I am sure you will not be pleased with yourself for this unpaternal passion. [_Going._
_Sir Per_. Tarry, I command you; and, I command you likewise not to stir till you have given me an answer, a definitive answer: Will you marry the lady, or will you not?
_Eger_. Since you command me, sir, know then, that I can not, will not marry her. [_Exit._
_Sir Per_. Oh! the villain has shot me thro' the head! he has cut my vitals! I shall run distracted;--the fellow destroys aw my measures--aw my schemes:--there never was sic a bargain as I have made with this foolish lord,--possession of his whole estate, with three boroughs upon it--six members--Why, what an acquisition! what consequence! what dignity! what weight till the house of Macsycophant! O! damn the fellow! three boroughs, only for sending down six broomsticks.--O! miserable! miserable! ruined! undone! For these five and twanty years, ever since this fellow came intill the world, have I been secretly preparing him for ministerial dignity,--and with the fellow's eloquence, abilities, popularity, these boroughs, and proper connections, he might certainly, in a little time, have done the deed; and sure never were times so favorable, every thing conspires, for aw the auld political post-horses are broken-winded and foundered, and cannot get on; and as till the rising generation, the vanity of surpassing one another in what they foolishly call taste and elegance, binds them hand and foot in the chains of luxury, which will always set them up till the best bidder; so that if they can but get wherewithal to supply their dissipation, a minister may convert the political morals of aw sic voluptuaries intill a vote that would sell the nation till Prester John, and their boasted liberties till the great Mogul;--and this opportunity I shall lose by my son's marrying a vartuous beggar for love:--O! confound her vartue! it will drive me distracted. [_Exit._
END OF THE FOURTH ACT.
_ACT V. SCENE I_.
_Enter Sir_ PERTINAX, _and_ BETTY HINT.
_Sir Per_. Come this way, Betty--come this way:--you are a guid girl, and I will reward you for this discovery.--O the villain! offer her marriage!
_Bet_. It is true, indeed, sir;--I wou'd not tell your honour a lie for the world: but in troth it lay upon my conscience, and I thought it my duty to tell your worship.
_Sir Per_. You are right--you are right;--it was your duty to tell me, and I'll reward you for it. But you say Maister Sidney is in love with her too.--Pray how came you by that intelligence?
_Bet_. O! sir, I know when folks are in love, let them strive to hide it as much as they will.--I know it by Mr. Sidney's eyes, when I see him stealing a sly side-look at her,--by his trembling,--his breathing short,--his sighing when they are reading together. Besides, sir, he has made love-verses upon her in praise of her virtue, and her playing upon the music.--Ay! and I suspect: another thing, sir,--she has a sweetheart, if not a husband, not far from hence.
_Sir Per_. Wha? Constantia?
_Bet_. Ay, Constantia, sir.--Lord! I can know the whole affair, sir, only for sending over to Hadley, to farmer Hilford's youngest daughter, Sukey Hilford.
_Sir Per_. Then send this instant and get me a particular account of it.
_Bet_. That I will, sir.
_Sir Per_. In the mean time, keep a strict watch upon Constantia,--and be sure you bring me word of whatever new matter you can pick up about her, my son, or this Hadley husband or sweetheart.
_Bet_. Never fear, sir. [_Exit._
_Sir Per_. This love of Sidney's for Constantia is not unlikely.--There is something promising in it.--Yes! I think it is nai impossible to convert it intill a special and immediate advantage. It is but trying. Wha's there?--If it misses, I am but where I was. [_Enter_ Tomlins.] Where is Maister Sidney?
_Tom_. In the dining room, Sir Pertinax.
_Sir Per_. Tell him I wou'd speak with him. [_Exit_ Tomlins.] 'Tis more than probable.--Spare to speak and spare to speed. Try--try--always try the human heart:--try is as guid a maxim in politics as in war.--Why, suppose this Sidney now shou'd be privy till his friend Charles's love for Constantia.--What then? guid traith, it is natural to think that his ain love will demand the preference,--ay, and obtain it too.--Yes, self--self is an eloquent advocate on these occasions, and seldom loses his cause. I have the general principle of human nature at least to encourage me in the experiment;--for only make it a man's interest to be a rascal, and I think we may safely depend upon his integrity--in serving himself.
_Enter_ SIDNEY.
_Sid_. Sir Pertinax, your servant.--Mr. Tomlins told me you desired to speak with me.
_Sir Per_. Yes, I wanted to speak with you upon a vary singular business. Maister Sidney, give me your hand.--Guin it did nai look like flattery, which I detest, I wou'd tell you, Maister Sidney, that you are an honour till your cloth, your country, and till human nature.
_Sid_. Sir, you are very obliging.
_Sir Per_. Sit you down, Maister Sidney:--Sit you down here by me. My friend, I am under the greatest obligations till you for the care you have taken of Charles.--The principles--religious, moral, and political-- that you have infused intill him, demand the warmest return of gratitude both fra him and fra me.
_Sid_. Your approbation, sir, next to that of my own conscience, is the best test of my endeavours, and the highest applause they can receive.
_Sir Per_. Sir, you deserve it,--richly deserve it.--And now, sir, the same care that you have had of Charles,--the same my wife has taken of her favourite Constantia.--And sure, never were accomplishments, knowledge or principles, social and religious, infused intill a better nature.
_Sid_. In truth, sir, I think so too.
_Sir Per_. She is besides a gentlewoman, and of as guid a family as any in this county.
_Sid_. So I understand, sir.
_SirPer_. Sir, her father had a vast estate; the which he dissipated and melted in feastings, and friendships, and charities, hospitalities, and sic kind of nonsense.--But to the business.--Maister Sidney, I love you,-- yes,--I love you,--and I have been looking out and, contriving how to settle you in the world.--Sir, I want to see you comfortably and honourably fixt at the head of a respectable family,--and guin you were mine ain son, a thousand times,--I cou'd nai make a more valuable present till you for that purpose, as a partner for life, than this same Constantia,--with sic a fortune down with her as you yourself shall deem to be competent,--and an assurance of every canonical contingency in my power to confer or promote.
_Sid_. Sir, your offer is noble and friendly:--but tho' the highest station would derive lustre from Constantia's charms and worth, yet, were she more amiable than love could paint her in the lover's fancy,--and wealthy beyond the thirst of the miser's appetite,--I could not--would not wed her. [_Rises._
_Sir Per_. Not wed her! odswunds, man! you surprise me!--Why so?--what hinders?
_Sid_. I beg you will not ask a reason for my refusal,--but, briefly and finally--it cannot be; nor is it a subject I can longer converse upon.
_Sir Per_. Weel, weel, weel, sir, I have done,--I have done.--Sit down, man;--sit down again;--sit you down.--I shall mention it no more;--not but I must confess honestly till you, friend Sidney, that the match, had you approved of my proposal, besides profiting you, wou'd have been of singular service till me likewise.--However, you may still serve me as effectually as if you had married her.
_Sid_. Then, sir, I am sure I will most heartily.
_Sir Per_. I believe it, friend Sidney,--and I thank you.--I have nai friend to depend upon, but yourself. My heart is almost broke.--I cannot help these tears,--And, to tell you the fact at once--your friend Charles is struck with a most dangerous malady,--a kind of insanity.--You see I cannot help weeping when I think of it;--in short this Constantia, I am afraid, has cast an evil eye upon him.--Do you understand me?
_Sid._ Not very well, sir.
_Sir Per._ Why, he is grievously smitten with the love of her;--and, I am afraid, will never be cured without a little of your assistance.
_Sid._ Of my assistance! pray, sir, in what manner?
_Sir Per._ In what manner? Lord, Maister Sidney, how can you be so dull? Why, how is any man cured of his love till a wench, but by ganging to bed till her? Now do you understand me?
_Sid._ Perfectly, sir--perfectly.