Chapter 4

_Sir Per_. My next bow, sir, was till your ain mother, whom I ran away with fra the boarding school; by the interest of whose family I got a guid smart place in the Treasury:--and, sir, my vary next step was intill Parliament; the which I entered with as ardent and as determined an ambition as ever agitated the heart of Cæsar himself. Sir, I bowed, and watched, and hearkened, and ran about, backwards and forwards; and attended, and dangled upon the then great man, till I got intill the vary bowels of his confidence,--and then, sir, I wriggled, and wrought, and wriggled, till I wriggled myself among the very thick of them: hah! I got my snack of the clothing, the foraging, the contracts, the lottery tickets--and aw the political bonusses;--till at length, sir, I became a much wealthier man than one half of the golden calves I had been so long a bowing to: [_He rises, and_ Eger. _rises too._]--and was nai that bowing to some purpose?

_Eger_. It was indeed, sir.

_Sir Per_. But are you convinced of the guid effects, and of the utility of bowing?

_Eger_. Thoroughly, sir.

_Sir Per_. Sir, it is infallible:--but, Charles, ah! while I was thus bowing, and wriggling, and raising this princely fortune,--ah! I met with many heart-sores and disappointments fra the want of literature, eloquence, and other popular abeleties. Sir, guin I could but have spoken in the house, I should have done the deed in half the time; but the instant I opened my mouth there, they aw fell a laughing at me;--aw which deficiencies, sir, I determined, at any expence, to have supplied by the polished education of a son, who, I hoped, would one day raise the house of Macsycophant till the highest pitch of ministerial ambition. This, sir, is my plan: I have done my part of it; Nature has done hers: you are popular, you are eloquent; aw parties like and respect you; and now, sir, it only remains for you to be directed--completion follows.

_Eger_. Your liberality, sir, in my education, and the judicious choice you made of the worthy gentleman, to whose virtue and abilities you entrusted me, are obligations I shall ever remember with the deepest filial gratitude.

_Sir Per_. Vary weel, sir: but, Charles, have you had any conversation yet with Lady Rodolpha, about the day of your marriage--your liveries--your equipage--or your domestic establishment?

_Eger_. Not yet, sir.

_Sir Per_. Poh! why there again now you are wrong--vary wrong.

_Eger_. Sir, we have not had an opportunity.

_Sir Per_. Why, Charles, you are vary tardy in this business.

_Lord Lum_. [_Sings without, flusht with wine_.] 'What have we with day to do?'

_Sir Per_. O! here comes my lord.

_Lord Lum_. 'Sons of care, 'twas made for you,' [_Enters, drinking a dish of coffee_: TOMLINS _waiting with a salver in his hand_.] --'Sons of care, 'twas made for you.' Very, good coffee indeed, Mr. Tomlins. 'Sons of care, 'twas made for you.' Here, Mr. Tomlins.

_Tom_. Will your lordship please to have another dish?

_Lord Lum_. No more, Mr. Tomlins. [_Exit_ Tomlins.] Ha, ha, ha! my host of the Scotch pints, we have had warm work.

_Sir Per_. Yes; you pushed the bottle about, my lord, with the joy and vigour of a Bacchanal.

_Lord Lum_. That I did, my dear Mac; no loss of time with me: I have but three motions, old boy,--charge--toast--fire--and off we go: ha, ha, ha! that's my exercise.

_Sir Per_. And fine warm exercise it is, my lord,--especially with the half-pint glasses.

_Lord Lum_. Zounds! it does execution point blanc:--ay, ay, none of your pimping acorn glasses for me, but your manly, old English half-pint bumpers, my dear: they try a fellow's stamina at once:--but, where's Egerton?

_Sir Per_. Just at hand, my lord; there he stands--looking at your lordship's picture.

_Lord Lum_. My dear Egerton.

_Eger_. Your lordship's most obedient.

_Lord Lum_. I beg pardon: I did not see you: I am sorry you left us so soon after dinner: had you staid, you would have been highly entertained. I have made such examples of the commissioner, the captain, and the colonel.

_Eger_. So I understand, my lord.

_Lord Lum_. But, Egerton, I have slipt from the company for a few moments, on purpose to have a little chat with you. Rodolpha tells me she fancies there is a kind of demur on your side, about your marriage with her.

_Sir Per_. A demur! how so, my lord?

_Lord Lum_. Why, as I was drinking my coffee with the women just now, I desired they would fix the wedding night, and the etiquette of the ceremony; upon which the girl burst into a loud laugh, telling me she supposed I was joking, for that Mr. Egerton had never yet given her a single glance or hint upon the subject.

_Sir Per_. My lord, I have been just now talking to him about his shyness to the lady.

_Enter_ TOMLINS..

_Tom_. Counsellor Plausible is come, sir, and serjeant Eitherside.

_Sir Per_. Why then we can settle the business this very evening, my lord.

_Lord Lum_. As well as in seven years: and, to make the way as short as possible, pray, Mr. Tomlins, present your master's compliments and mine to Lady Rodolpha, and let her ladyship know we wish to speak with her directly: [_Exit_ Tomlins.]--He shall attack her this instant, Sir Pertinax.

_Sir Per_. Ay! this is doing business effectually, my lord.

_Lord Lum_. O! I will pit them in a moment, Sir Pertinax,--that will bring them into the heat of the action at once, and save a great deal of awkwardness on both sides. O! here your dulcinea comes, sir.

_Enter Lady_ RODOLPHA, _singing, a music paper in her hand._

_Lady Rod_. I have been learning this air of Constantia: I protest, her touch on the harpsichord is quite brilliant, and really her voice not amiss. Weel, Sir Pertinax, I attend your commands, and yours, my paternal lord. [_Lady_ Rod. _curtsies very low; my lord bows very low, and answers in the same tone and manner._]

_Lord Lum_. Why, then, my filial lady, we are to inform you that the commission for your ladyship and this enamoured cavalier, commanding you to serve your country, jointly and inseparably, in the honourable and forlorn hope of matrimony, is to be signed this very evening.

_Lady Rod_. This evening, my lord!

_Lord Lum_. This evening, my lady. Come, Sir Pertinax, let us leave them to settle their liveries, wedding-suits, carriages, and all their amorous equipage, for the nuptial campaign.

_Sir Per_. Ha, ha, ha! excellent! excellent! weel, I vow, my lord, you are a great officer:--this is as guid a manoeuvre to bring on a rapid engagement as the ablest general of them aw could have started.

_Lord Lum_. Ay, ay! leave them together; they'll soon come to a right understanding, I warrant you, or the needle and loadstone have lost their sympathy. [_Exit Lord_ Lum. _and Sir_ Per.

[_Lady_ Rodolpha _stands at that side of the Stage, where they went off, in amazement:_ Egerton _is at the opposite side, who, after some anxious emotion, settles into a deep reflection:--this part of the scene must be managed by a nice whispering tone of self-conversation mutually observed by the Lovers._]

_Lady Rod_. [_Aside._] Why, this is downright tyranny! it has quite dampt my spirits; and my betrothed, yonder, seems planet-struck too, I think.

_Eger_. [_Aside._] A whimsical situation, mine!

_Lady Rod_. [_Aside._] Ha, ha, ha! methinks we look like a couple of cautious generals, that are obliged to take the field, but neither of us seems willing to come till action.

_Eger_. [_Aside._] I protest, I know not how to address her.

_Lady Rod_. [_Aside._] He will nai advance, I see: what am I to do in this affair? guid traith, I will even do, as I suppose many brave heroes have done before me,--clap a guid face upon the matter, and so conceal an aching heart under a swaggering countenance. [_As she advances, she points at him, and smothers a laugh; but when she speaks to him, the tone must be_ loud, _and rude on the word_ Sir.] _Sir_, as we have,--by the commands of our guid fathers, a business of some little consequence to transact,--I hope you will excuse my taking the liberty of recommending a chair till you, for the repose of your body--in the embarrassed deliberation of your perturbed spirits.

_Eger_. [_Greatly embarrassed._] Madam, I beg your pardon. [_Hands her a chair, then one for himself._] Please to sit, madam. [_They sit down with great ceremony: she sits down first. He sits at a distance from her. They are silent for some time. He coughs, hems, and adjusts himself. She mimicks him._]

_Lady Rod_. [_Aside._] Aha! he's resolved not to come too near till me, I think.

_Eger_. [_Aside._] A pleasant interview, this--hem, hem!

_Lady Rod_. [_Aside, mimicks him to herself._] Hem! he will not open the congress, I see.--Then I will.--[_very loud._] _Come, sir_, when will you begin?

_Eger_. [_Greatly surprised._] Begin! what, madam?

_Lady Rod_. To make love till me.

_Eger_. Love, madam!

_Lady Rod_. Ay, love, sir.--Why, you have never said a word till me on the subject,--nor cast a single glance at me,--nor heaved one tender sigh,--nor even secretly squeezed my loof:--now, sir, thof our fathers are so tyrannical as to dispose of us without the consent of our hearts;--yet you, sir, I hope, have more humanity than to think of marrying me without administering some of the preliminaries, usual on those occasions:--if not till my understanding and sentiments, yet till the vanity of my sex, at least, I hope you will pay some little tribute of ceremony and adulation: that, I think, I have a right to expect.

_Eger_. Madam, I own your reproach is just:--I shall therefore no longer disguise my sentiments, but fairly let you know my heart.

_Lady Rod_. [_Starts up, and runs to him._] That's right,--that is right, cousin;--honourably and affectionately right;--that is what I like of aw things in my swain.--Ay, ay, cousin--open your mind frankly till me, as a true lover shou'd.--But sit you down--sit you down again: I shall return your frankness and your passion, cousin, with a melting tenderness, equal till the amorous enthusiasm of an ancient heroine.

_Eger_. Madam, if you will hear me----

_Lady Rod_. But, remember, you must begin with fervency,--and a most rapturous vehemency:--for you are to consider, cousin, that our match is nai to arise fra the union of hearts, and a long decorum of ceremonious courtship;--but is instantly to start at once--out of necessity, or mere accident;--ha, ha, ha! like a match in an ancient romance,--where you ken, cousin,--the knight and the damsel are mutually smitten and dying for each other at first sight,--or by an amorous sympathy before they exchange a single glance.

_Eger_. Dear madam, you entirely mistake----

_Lady Rod_. And our fathers,--ha, ha, ha! our fathers are to be the dark magicians that are to fascinate our hearts and conjure us together, whether we will or not.

_Eger_. Ridiculous!

_Lady Rod_. So now, cousin, with the true romantic enthusiasm,--you are to suppose me the lady of the enchanted castle, and you--ha, ha, ha! you are to be the knight of the sorrowful countenance--ha, ha, ha! and, upon honour--you look the character admirably;--ha, ha, ha!

_Eger_. Rude trifling creature!

_Lady Rod_. Come, sir,--why do you nai begin to ravish me with your valour, your vows, your knight errantry, and your amorous phrenzy.--Nay, nay, nay! guin you do nai begin at once, the lady of the enchanted castle will vanish in a twinkling.

_Eger_. Lady Rodolpha, I know your talent for raillery well;--but at present, in my case, there is a kind of cruelty in it.

_Lady Rod_. Raillery! upon honour, cousin, you mistake me quite and clean.--I am serious--very serious;--ay, and I have cause to be serious;-- nay, I will submit my case even till yourself. [_Whines_.] Can any poor lassy be in a more lamentable condition, than to be sent four hundred miles, by the command of a positive grandmother, to marry a man, who I find has no more affection for me,--than if I had been his wife these seven years.

_Eger_. Madam, I am extremely sorry----

_Lady Rod_. [_Cries and sobs_.] But it is vary weel, cousin.--I see your unkindness and aversion plain enough,--and, sir, I must tell you fairly, you are the ainly man that ever slighted my person,--or that drew tears fra these een.--But--it is vary weel--it's vary weel--I will return till Scotland to-morrow morning, and let my grandmother know how I have been affronted by your slights, your contempts, and your aversions.

_Eger_. If you are serious, madam, your distress gives me a deep concern;--but affection is not in our power; and when you know that my heart is irrecoverably given to another woman, I think, your understanding and good nature will not only pardon my past coldness and neglect of you,--but forgive me when I tell you, I never can have that honour which is intended me,--by a connection with your ladyship.

_Lady Rod_. [_Starting up_.] How, sir!--are you serious?

_Eger_. [_Rises_.] Madam, I am too deeply interested, both as a man of honour and a lover, to act otherwise with you on so tender a subject.

_Lady Rod_. And so you persist in slighting me?

_Eger_. I beg your pardon, madam; but I must be explicit, and at once declare--that I never can give my hand where I cannot give my heart.

_Lady Rod_. [_In great anger_.] Why then, sir, I must tell you, that your declaration is sic an affront as nai woman of spirit can, or ought to bear:--and here I make a solemn vow, never to pardon it, but on one condition.

_Eger_. If that condition be in my power, madam----

_Lady Rod_. [_Snaps him up_.] Sir, it is in your power.

_Eger_. Then, madam, you may command me.

_Lady Rod_. [_With a firm peremptory command_]. Why then, sir, the condition is this;--you must here give me your honour,--that nai importunity,--command,--or menace of your father,--in fine, that nai consideration whatever,--shall induce you to take me, Rodolpha Lumbercourt, to be your wedded wife.

_Eger_. Madam, I most solemnly promise, I never will.

_Lady Rod_. And I, sir, most solemnly, and sincerely [_Curtsies._] thank you--for [_Curtsies._] your resolution, and your agreeable aversion--ha, ha, ha! for you have made me as happy as a poor wretch, reprieved in the vary instant of intended execution.

_Eger_. Pray, madam, how am I to understand all this?

_Lady Rod._[_With frankness, and, a reverse of manners_.] Why, sir, your frankness and sincerity demand the same behaviour on my side;--therefore, without farther disguise or ambiguity, know, sir, that I myself [_With a deep sigh_.] am as deeply smitten with a certain swain, as I understand you are with your Constantia.

_Eger_. Indeed, madam!

_Lady Rod_. [_With an amiable, soft, tender sincerity_.] O! sir, notwithstanding aw my shew of courage and mirth,--here I stand--as errant a trembling Thisbe, as ever sighed or mourned for her Pyramus,--and, sir, aw my extravagant levity and ridiculous behaviour in your presence now, and ever since _your_ father prevailed upon _mine_ to consent till this match, has been a premeditated scheme to provoke your gravity and guid sense intill a cordial disgust, and a positive refusal.

_Eger_. Madam, you have contrived and executed your scheme most happily.

_Lady Rod_. Then, since Cupid has thus luckily disposed of you till your Constantia, and me till my swain, we have nothing to think of now, sir, but to contrive how to reduce the inordinate passions of our parents intill a temper of prudence and humanity.

_Eger_. Most willingly I consent to your proposal.----But, with your leave, madam, if I may presume so far;--'pray, who is your lover?

_Lady Rod_. Why, in that too I shall surprise you perhaps more than ever.--In the first place--he is a beggar--and in disgrace with an unforgiving father;--and in the next place,--he is [_Curtsies._] your ain brother.

_Eger_. Is it possible?

_Lady Rod_. A most amorous truth, sir;--that is, as far as a woman can answer for her ain heart. [_in a laughing gaiety_.] So you see, cousin Charles, thof I you'd nai mingle affections with _you_--I have nai ganged out of the family.

_Eger_. [_A polite rapture, frank_.] Madam, give me leave to congratulate myself upon your affection,--you cou'd not have placed it on a worthier object; and, whatever is to be our chance in this lottery of our parents, be assured that my fortune shall be devoted to your happiness and his.

_Lady Rod_. Generous, indeed, cousin--but not a whit nobler, I assure you, than your brother Sandy believes of you.--And, be assured, sir, that we shall both remember it, while the heart feels, or the memory retains a sense of gratitude.--But now, sir, let me ask one question:--Pray, how is your mother affected in this business?

_Eger_. She knows of my passion, and will, I am sure, be a friend to the common cause.

_Lady Rod_. Ah! that's lucky. Our first step then must be to take her advice upon our conduct, so as to keep our fathers in the dark till we can hit off some measure that will wind them about till our ain purpose, and the common interest of our ain passion.

_Eger_. You are very right, madam, for, should my father suspect my brother's affection for your ladyship, or mine for Constantia, there is no guessing what wou'd be the consequence.--His whole happiness depends upon this bargain with my lord; for it gives him the possession of three boroughs, and those, madam, are much dearer to him than the happiness of his children. I am sorry to say it, but, to gratify his political rage, he wou'd sacrifice every social tie, that is dear to friend or family. [_Exeunt._

END OF THE THIRD ACT.

_ACT IV. SCENE I_.

_Enter Sir_ PERTINAX, _and Counsellor_ PLAUSIBLE.

_Sir Per_. No, no.--Come away, Counsellor Plausible;--come away, I say;--let them chew upon it.--Why, counsellor, did you ever see so impertinent, so meddling, and so obstinate a blockhead, as that Serjeant Eitherside? Confound the fellow--he has put me out of aw temper.

_Plaus_. He is very positive, indeed, Sir Pertinax,--and no doubt was intemperate and rude. But, Sir Pertinax, I wou'd not break off the match notwithstanding; for certainly, even without the boroughs, it is an advantageous bargain both to you and your son.

_Sir Per_. But, zounds! Plausible, do you think I will give up the nomination till three boroughs?--Why I wou'd rather give him twenty, nay thirty thousand pounds in any other part of the bargain:--especially at this juncture, when votes are likely to become so valuable.--Why, man, if a certain affair comes on, they will rise above five hundred per cent.

_Plaus_. You judge very rightly, Sir Pertinax;--but what shall we do in this case? for Mr. Serjeant insists that you positively agreed to my lord's having the nomination to the three boroughs during his own life.

_Sir Per_. Why yes,--in the first sketch of the agreement, I believe I did consent:--but at that time, man, my lord's affairs did not appear to be half so desperate, as I now find they turn out.--Sir, he must acquiesce in whatever I demand, for I have got him intill sic an a hobble that he cannot----

_Plaus_. No doubt, Sir Pertinax, you have him absolutely in your power.

_Sir Per_. Vary weel:--And ought rial a man to make his vantage of it?

_Plaus_. No doubt you ought;--no manner of doubt.--But, Sir Pertinax, there is a secret spring in this business, that you do not seem to perceive;--and which, I am afraid, governs the matter respecting these boroughs.

_Sir Per_. What spring do you mean, counsellor?

_Plaus_. Why this Serjeant Eitherside,--I have some reason to think that my lord is tied down by some means or other to bring the serjeant in, the very first vacancy, for one of these boroughs;--now that, I believe, is the sole motive why the serjeant is so strenuous that my lord should keep the boroughs in his own power;--fearing that you might reject him for some man of your own.

_Sir Per_. Odswunds and death! Plausible, you are clever,--devilish clever.--By the blood, you have hit upon the vary string that has made aw thjs discord.--Oh! I see it,--I see it now.--But hauld--hauld--bide a wee bit--a wee bit, man;--I have a thought come intill my head--yes--I think, Plausible, that with a little twist in our negotiation that this vary string, properly tuned, may be still made to produce the vary harmony we wish for.--Yes, yes! I have it: this serjeant, I see, understands business--and, if I am not. mistaken, knows how to take a hint.

_Plaus_. O! nobody better, Sir Pertinax.

_Sir Per_. Why then, Plausible, the short road is always the best with sic a man.--You. must even come up till his mark at once, and assure him from me--that I will secure him a seat for one of these vary boroughs.

_Plaus_. O! that will do, Sir Pertinax--that will do, I'll answer for't.

_Sir Per_. And further--I beg you will let him know that I think myself obliged to consider him in this affair, as acting for me as weel as for my lord,--as a common friend till baith:--and for the services he has already done us, make my special compliments till him--and pray let this amicable bit of paper be my faithful advocate to convince him of what my gratitude further intends for his great [_Gives him a bank-bill._] equity in adjusting this agreement betwixt my lord and me.

_Plaus_. Ha, ha, ha!--upon my word, Sir Pertinax, this is noble.--Ay, ay! this is an eloquent bit of paper indeed.

_Sir Per_. Maister Plausible, in aw human dealings the most effectual method is that of ganging at once till the vary bottom of a man's heart:--for if we expect that men shou'd serve us,--we must first win their affections by serving them.--O! here they baith come.

_Enter Lord_ LUMBERCOURT, _and Serjeant_ EITHERSIDE.

_Lord Lum_. My dear Sir Pertinax, what could provoke you to break off this business so abruptly? you are really wrong in the point,--and if you will give yourself time to recollect, you will find that my having the nomination to the boroughs for my life was a preliminary article;--I appeal to Mr. Serjeant Eitherside here, whether I did not always understand it so.

_Serj._I assure you, Sir Pertinax, that in all his lordship's conversation with me upon this business, and in his positive instructions,--both he and I always understood the nomination to be in my lord, durantê vitâ.

_ SirPer_. Why, then my lord, to shorten the dispute, aw that I can say in answer till your lordship is--that there has been a total mistake betwixt us in that point,--and therefore the treaty must end here. I give it up.-- O! I wash my hands of it for ever.

_Plaus_. Well, but gentlemen, gentlemen, a little patience.--Sure this mistake, some how or other, may be rectified.--Pr'ythee, Mr. Serjeant, let you and I step into the next room by ourselves, and reconsider the clause relative to the boroughs, and try if we cannot hit upon a medium that will be agreeable to both parties.

_Serj._ [_With great warmth_.] Mr. Plausible, I have considered the clause fully;--am entirely master of the question;--my lord cannot give up the point.--It is unkind and unreasonable to expect it.

_Plaus._ Nay, Mr. Serjeant, I beg you will not misunderstand me. Do not think I want his lordship to give up any point without an equivalent.--Sir Pertinax, will you permit Mr. Serjeant and me to retire a few moments to reconsider this point?

_Sir Per_. With aw my heart, Maister Plausible; any thing to oblige his lordship--any thing to accomodate his lordship--any thing.

_Plaus._ What say you, my lord?

_Lord Lum_ Nay, I submit it entirely to you and Mr. Serjeant.

_Plaus._ Come, Mr. Serjeant, let us retire.

_Lord Lum_. Ay, ay,--go, Mr. Serjeant, and hear what Mr. Plausible has to say.

_Serj_. Nay, I'll wait on Mr. Plausible, my lord, with all my heart; but I am sure I cannot suggest the shadow of a reason for altering my present opinion: impossible--impossible.

_Plaus_. Well, well, Mr. Serjeant, do not be positive. I am sure, reason, and your client's conveniency, will always make you alter your opinion.