Chapter 3

_Sir Per_. Vary weel--vary weel,--you were as complaisant as the scoundrel till the full, I think, my lord.

_Lord Lum_. You shall hear,--you shall hear, Mac:--so, sir, with great composure, seeing a smart oaken cudgel that stood very handily in a corner of my dressing room, I ordered two of my fellows to hold the rascal, and another to take the cudgel and return the scoundrel's civility with a good drubbing as long as the stick lasted.

_Sir Per_. Ha, ha, ha!--admirable!--as guid a stroke of humour as ever I heard of.--And did they drub him, my lord?

_Lord Lum_. Most liberally--most liberally, sir.--And there I thought the affair would have rested, till I should think proper to pay the soundrel,--but this morning, just as I was stepping into my chaise, my servants all about me, a fellow, called a tipstaff, slept up and begged the favour of my footman, who threshed the upholsterer, and of the two that held him, to go along with him upon a little business to my Lord Chief Justice.

_Sir Per_. The devil!

_Lord Lum_. And at the same instant, I, in my turn, was accosted by two other very civil scoundrels, who, with a most insolent politeness, begged my pardon, and informed me that I must not go into my own chaise.

_Sir Per_. How, my lord?--not into your ain carriage?

_Lord Lum_. No, sir: for that they, by order of the sheriff, must seize it, at the suit of a gentleman--one Mr. Mahogany, an upholsterer.

_Sir Per_. An impudent villain!

_Lord Lum_. It is all true, I assure you; so you see, my dear Mac, what a damned country this is to live in, where noblemen are obliged to pay their debts, just like merchants, coblers, peasants, or mechanics--is not that a scandal, dear Mac. to the nation?

_Sir Per_. My lord, it is not only a scandal, but a national grievance.

_Lord Lum_. Sir, there is not another nation in the world has such a grievance to complain of. Now in other countries were a mechanic to dun, and tease, and behave as this Mahogany has done,--a nobleman might extinguish the reptile in an instant; and that only at the expence of a few sequins, florins, or louis d'ors, according to the country where the affair happened.

_Sir Per_. Vary true, my lord, vary true--and it is monstrous that a mon of your lordship's condition is not entitled to run one of these mechanics through the body, when he is impertinent about his money; but our laws shamefully, on these occasions, make no distinction of persons amongst us.

_Lord Lum_. A vile policy indeed, Sir Pertinax.--But, sir, the scoundrel has seized upon the house too, that I furnished for the girl I took from the opera.

_Sir Per_. I never heard of sic an a scoundrel.

_Lord Lum_. Ay, but what concerns me most,--I am afraid, my dear Mac, that the villain will send down to Newmarket, and seize my string of horses.

_Sir Per_. Your string of horses? zounds! we must prevent that at all events:--that would be sic an a disgrace. I will dispatch an express to town directly to put a stop till the rascal's proceedings.

_LordLum._ Pr'ythee do, my dear Sir Pertinax.

_Sir Per._ O! it shall be done, my lord.

_Lord Lum._ Thou art an honest fellow, Sir Pertinax, upon honour.

_Sir Per._ O! my lord, it is my duty to oblige your lordship to the utmost stretch of my abeelity.

_Enter_ TOMLINS.

_Tom._ Colonel Toper presents his compliments to you, sir, and having no family down with him in the country, he and Captain Hardbottle, if not inconvenient, will do themselves the honour of taking a family dinner with you.

_Sir Per._ They are two of our militia officers--does your lordship know them?

_LordLum._ By sight only.

_Sir Per._ I am afraid, my lord, they will interrupt our business.

_Lord Lum._ Not at all: I should be glad to be acquainted with Toper; they say he's a damned jolly fellow.

_Sir Per._ O! devilish jolly--devilish jolly: he and the captain are the two hardest drinkers in the county.

_Lord Lum._ So I have heard; let us have them by all means, Mac: they will enliven the scene. How far are they from you?

_Sir Per._ Just across the meadows--not half a mile, my lord: a step, a step.

_LordLum._ O! let us have the jolly dogs, by all means.

_Sir Per._ My compliments--I shall be proud of their company. [_Exit_ Tom.] Guif ye please, my lord, we will gang and chat a bit with the women: I have not seen Lady Rodolpha since she returned fra the Bath. I long to have a little news from her about the company there.

_Lord Lum._ O! she'll give you an account of them, I warrant you. [_A very loud laugh without_.

_Lady Rodolpha._ [_Without._] Ha, ha, ha! weel I vow, cousin Egerton, you have a vast deal of shrewd humour.--But Lady Macsycophant, which way is Sir Pertinax?

_Lady Mac._ [Without._] Strait forward, madam.

_Lord Lum_. Here the hairbrain comes: it must be her, by the noise,

_Lady Rod_. [_Without._] Allons--gude folks--follow me--sans cérémonie.

_Enter Lady_ RODOLPHA, _Lady_ MACSYCOPHANT, EGERTON, _and_ SIDNEY.

_Lady Rod_. [_Running up to Sir_ Per.] Sir Pertinax, your most devoted, most obsequious, and most obedient vassal. [_Curtsies very low_.

_Sir Per_. [_Bowing ridiculously low._] Lady Rodolpha, down till the ground, my congratulations and duty attend you, and I should rejoice to kiss your ladyship's footsteps.

_Lady Rod_. [_Curtsying very low._] O! Sir Pertinax, your humeelity is most sublimely complaisant:--at present, unanswerable;--but I shall intensely study to return it--fyfty fald.

_Sir Per_. Your ladyship does me singular honour:--weel, madam--ha! you look gaily;--weel, and how--how is your ladyship, after your jaunt till the Bath?

_Lady Rod_. Never better, Sir Pertinax:--as weel as youth, health, riotous spirits, and a careless happy heart can make me.

_Sir Per_. I am mighty glad till hear it, my lady.

_Lord Lum_. Ay, ay--Rodolpha is always in spirits, Sir Pertinax.--Vive la Bagatelle is the philosophy of our family,--ha? Rodolpha--ha?

_Lady Rod_. Traith it is, my lord; and upon honour I am determined it shall never be changed with my consent. Weel I vow--ha, ha, ha! Vive la Bagatelle would be a most brilliant motto for the chariot of a belle of fashion. What say you till my fancy, Lady Macsycophant.

_Lady Mac_. It would have novelty at least to recommend it, madam.

_Lady Rod_. Which of aw charms is the most delightful that can accompany wit, taste, love, or friendship;--for novelty I take to be the true _Je ne scais quoi_ of all worldly bliss. Cousin Egerton, shou'd not you like to have a wife with Vive la Bagatelle upon her wedding chariot?

_Eger_. O! certainly, madam.

_Lady Rod_. Yes, I think it would be quite out of the common, and singularly ailegant.

_Eger_. Indisputably, madam:--for as a motto is a word to the wise, or rather a broad hint to the whole world of a person's taste and principles,--Vive la Bagatelle would be most expressive at first sight of your ladyship's characteristic.

_Lady Rod_. [_Curtsies._] O! Maister Egerton, you touch my vary heart with your approbation--ha, ha, ha! that is the vary spirit of my intention, the instant I commence bride.--Weel! I am immensely proud that my fancy has the approbation of so sound an understanding, and so polished a taste as that of the all-accomplished [_Curtsies very low._] Mr. Egerton.

_Sir Per_. Weel,--but Lady Rodolpha--I wanted to ask your ladyship some questions about the company at the Bath;--they say you had aw the world there.

_Lady Rod_. O, yes!--there was a vary great mob there indeed;--but vary little company.--Aw Canaille,--except our ain party.--The place was crowded with your little purse-proud mechanics;--an odd kind of queer looking animals that have started intill fortune fra lottery tickets, rich prizes at sea, gambling in Change-Alley, and sic like caprices of fortune;--and away they aw crowd to the Bath to learn genteelity, and the names, titles, intrigues, and bon-mots of us people of fashion; ha, ha, ha!

_Lord Lum_. Ha, ha, ha! I know them;--I know the things you mean, my dear, extremely well.--I have observed them a thousand times, and wondered where the devil they all came from; ha, ha, ha!

_Lady Mac_. Pray, Lady Rodolpha, what were your diversions at Bath?

_Lady Rod_. Guid traith, my lady, the company were my diversion,--and better na human follies ever afforded; ha, ha, ha! sic an a mixture--and sic oddities, ha, ha, ha!--a perfect Gallimaufry.--Lady Kunegunda M'Kenzie and I used to gang about till every part of this human chaos, on purpose to reconnoitre the monsters and pick up their frivolities; ha, ha, ha!

_Sir Per_. Ha, ha, ha! why that must have been a high entertainment till your ladyship.

_Lady Rod_. Superlative and inexhaustible, Sir Pertinax; ha, ha, ha!-- Madam, we had in one group--a peer and a sharper,--a dutchess and a pinmaker's wife,--a boarding school miss and her grandmother,--a fat parson, a lean general, and a yellow admiral,--ha, ha, ha!--aw speaking together--and bawling and wrangling in fierce contention, as if the fame and fortune of aw the parties were to be the issue of the conflict.

_Sir Per_. Ha, ha, ha! pray, madam, what was the object of their contention?

_Lady Rod_. O! a vary important one, I assure you;--of no less consequence, madam, than how an odd trick at whist was lost, or might have been saved.

_Omnes_. Ha, ha, ha!

_Lady Mac_. Ridiculous!

_Lord Lum_. Ha, ha, ha! my dear Rodolpha, I have seen that very conflict a thousand times.

_Sir Per_. And so have I, upon honour, my lord.

_Lady Rod_. In another party, Sir Pertinax--ha, ha, ha! we had what was called the cabinet council, which was composed of a duke and a haberdasher,--a red hot patriot and a sneering courtier,--a discarded statesman and his scribbling chaplain,--with a busy, bawling, muckle-headed, prerogative lawyer;--all of whom were every minute ready to gang together by the lugs, about the in and the out meenistry--ha, ha, ha!

_Sir Per_. Ha, ha, ha! weel, that is a droll motley cabinet, I vow.--Vary whimsical upon honour.--But they are aw great politicians at Bath, and settle a meenistry there with as much ease as they do the tune of a country dance.

_Lady Rod_. Then, Sir Pertinax, in a retired part of the room--in a bye corner--snug--we had a Jew and a bishop--

_Sir Per_. A Jew and a bishop!--ha--ha--a devilish guid connection that;-- and pray, my lady, what were they about?

_Lady Rod_. Why, sir, the bishop--was striving to convert the Jew,--while the Jew--by intervals--was slily picking up intelligence fra the bishop about the change in the meenistry, in hopes of making a stroke in the stock.

_Omnes_. Ha, ha, ha!

_Sir Per_. Ha, ha, ha! admirable! admirable! I honour the smouse:--hah! it was develish clever of him, my lord,--develish clever.

_Lord Lum_. Yes, yes--the fellow kept a sharp look-out.--I think it was a fair trial of skill on both sides, Mr. Egerton.

_Eger_. True, my lord;--but the Jew seems to have been in the fairer way to succeed.

_Lord Lum_. O! all to nothing, sir; ha, ha, ha!--Well, child, I like your Jew and your bishop much.--It's develish clever.--Let us have the rest of the history, pray, my dear.

_Lady Rod_. Guid traith, my lord, the sum total is--that there we aw danced, and wrangled, and flattered, and slandered, and gambled, and cheated, and mingled, and jumbled, and wolloped together--clean and unclean--even like the animal assembly in Noah's ark.

_Omnes_. Ha, ha, ha!

_Lord Lum_. Ha, ha, ha!--Well, you are a droll girl, Rodolpha,--and, upon my honour, ha, ha, ha!--you have given us as whimsical a sketch as ever was hit off.

_Sir Per_. Ah! yas, my lord, especially the animal assembly in Noah's ark.--It is an excellent picture of the oddities that one meets with at the Bath.

_Lord Lum_. Why yes, there is some fancy in it, I think, Egerton?

_Eger_. Very characteristic indeed, my lord.

_Lord Lum_. What say you, Mr. Sidney?

_Sid_. Upon my word, my lord, the lady has made me see the whole assembly in distinct colours.

_Lady Rod_. O! Maister Sidney, your approbation makes me as vain as a reigning toast before her looking-glass.--"But, Lady Macsycophant, I cannot help observing, that you have one uncka, unsalutary fashion here in the South, at your routs, your assemblies, and aw your dancing bouts;--the which I am astonished you do not relegate fra amongst ye.

"_Lady Mac_. Pray, madam, what may that be?

"_Lady Rod_. Why, your orgeats, capillaires, lemonades, and aw your slips and slops, with which you drench your weimbs, when you are dancing.--Upon honour, they always make a swish-swash in my bowels, and give me the wooly-wambles.

"_Omnes_. Ha, ha, ha!

"_Lord Lum_. Ho, ho, ho!--you indelicate creature,--why, my dear Rodolpha--ha, ha, ha! what are you talking about?

"_Lady Rod_. Weel, weel, my lord,--guin ye laugh till ye brust;--the fact is still true.--Now in Edinburgh--in Edinburgh, my lady--we have nai sic pinch-gut doings--for there, guid traith, we always have a guid comfortable dish of cutlets or collops, or a nice, warm, savory haggiss, with a guid swig of whiskey punch to recruit our spirits--after our dancing and sweating.

"_Omnes_. Ha, ha, ha!

"_Sir Per_. Ay, and that is much wholesomer, Lady Rodolpha, than aw their slips and their slops here in the south.

"_Lord Lum_. Ha, ha, ha! Well, my dear Rodolpha, you are a droll girl, upon honour,--and very entertaining, I vow; [_He whispers_.]--but, my dear child,--a little too much upon the dancing, and sweating, and the wolly-wambles.

"_Omnes_. Ha, ha, ha!"

_Enter_ TOMLINS.

_Tom_. Colonel Toper and Captain Hardbottle are come, sir.

_Sir Per_. O! vary weel.--Dinner directly.

_Tom_. It is ready, sir. [_Exit._

_Sir Per_. My lord, we attend your lordship.

_Lord Lum_. Lady Mac, your ladyship's hand, if you please. [_Exit with Lady_ Macsycophant.

_Sir Per_. And here, Lady Rodolpha, is an Arcadian swain that has a hand at your ladyship's devotion.

_Lady Rod_. [_Giving her hand to_ Egerton.] And I, sir, have one at his.-- There, sir:--as to hearts, ye ken, cousin, they are not brought into the account of human dealings now-a-days.

_Eger_. O! madam, they are mere temporary baubles, especially in courtship; and no more to be depended upon than the weather, or a lottery ticket.

_Lady Rod_, Ha, ha, ha! twa excellent similes, I vow, Mr. Egerton.-- Excellent! for they illustrate the vagaries and inconstancy of my dissipated heart as exactly as if you had meant to describe it. [_Exit with_ Eger.

_Sir Per_. Ha, ha, ha! what a vast fund of spirits and guid humour she has, Maister Sidney.

_Sid_. A great fund indeed, Sir Pertinax.

_Sir Per_. Come, let us till dinner.--Hah! by this time to-morrow, Maister Sidney, I hope we shall have every thing ready for you to put the last hand till the happiness of your friend and pupil;--and then, sir--my cares will be over for this life:--for as to my other son, I expect nai guid of him, nor shou'd I grieve, were I to see him in his coffin.--But this match,--O! it will make me the happiest of aw human beings. [_Exeunt._

END OF THE SECOND ACT.

_ACT III. SCENE I._

_Enter Sir_ PERTINAX _and_ EGERTON.

_Sir Per_. [_In warm resentment._] Zoons! sir, I wull not hear a word about it:--I insist upon it you are wrong:--you shou'd have paid your court till my lord, and not have scrupled swallowing a bumper or twa, or twenty, till oblige him.

_Eger_. Sir, I did drink his toast in a bumper.

_Sir Per_. Yes--you did;--but how? how?--just as a bairn takes physic-- with aversions and wry faces, which my lord observed: then, to mend the matter, the moment that he and the colonel got intill a drunken dispute about religion, you slily slunged away.

_Eger_. I thought, sir, it was time to go, when my lord insisted upon half pint bumpers.

_Sir Per_. Sir, that was not levelled at you, but at the colonel, in order to try his bottom; but they aw agreed that you and I should drink out of smaw glasses.

_Eger_. But, sir, I beg pardon:--I did not choose to drink any more.

_Sir Per_. But zoons! sir, I tell you there was a necessity for your drinking more.

_Eger_. A necessity! in what respect, pray, sir?

_Sir Per_. Why, sir, I have a certain point to carry, independent of the lawyers, with my lord, in this agreement of your marriage--about which I am afraid we shall have a warm squabble--and therefore I wanted your assistance in it.

_Eger_. But how, sir, could my drinking contribute to assist you in your squabble?

_Sir Per_. Yes, sir, it would have contributed--and greatly have contributed to assist me.

_Eger_. How so, sir?

_Sir Per_. Nay, sir, it might have prevented the squabble entirely; for as my lord is proud of you for a son-in-law, and is fond of your little French songs, your stories, and your bon-mots, when you are in the humour,--and guin you had but staid--and been a little jolly--and drank half a score bumpers with him, till he got a little tipsy--I am sure, when we had him in that mood, we might have settled the point as I could wish it, among ourselves, before the lawyers came: but now, sir, I do not ken what will be the consequence.

_Eger_. But when a man is intoxicated, would that have been a seasonable time to settle business, sir?

_Sir Per_. The most seasonable, sir:--for, sir, when my lord is in his cups--his suspicion is asleep--and his heart is aw jollity, fun, and guid fellowship; and sir, can there be a happier moment than that for a bargain, or to settle a dispute with a friend? What is it you shrug up your shoulders at, sir?

_Eger_. At my own ignorance, sir;--for I understand neither the philosophy nor the morality of your doctrine.

_Sir Per_. I know you do not, sir,--and, what is worse--you never wull, understand it, as you proceed: in one word, Charles, I have often told you, and now again I tell you, once for aw, that the manoeuvres of pliability are as necessary to rise in the world, as wrangling and logical subtlety are to rise at the bar: why you see, sir, I have acquired a noble fortune, a princely fortune--and how do you think I raised it?

_Eger_. Doubtless, sir, by your abilities.

_Sir Per_. Doubtless, sir, you are a blockhead:--nai, sir, I'll tell you how I raised it. Sir, I raised it--by bowing; [_Bows ridiculously low._] by bowing: sir, I never could stand straight in the presence of a great man, but always bowed, and bowed, and bowed--as it were by instinct.

_Eger_. How do you mean by instinct, sir?

_Sir Per_. How do I mean by instinct? why, sir, I mean by--by--by the instinct of interest, sir, which is the universal instinct of mankind. Sir, it is wonderful to think, what a cordial, what an amicable, nay, what an infallible influence, bowing has upon the pride and vanity of human nature. Charles, answer me sincerely, have you a mind to be convinced of the force of my doctrine, by example and demonstration?

_Eger_. Certainly, sir.

_Sir Per_. Then, sir, as the greatest favour I can confer upon you, I'll give you a short sketch of the stages of my bowing,--as an excitement, and a landmark for you to bow be--and as an infallible nostrum to rise in the world.

_Eger_. Sir, I shall be proud to profit by your experience.

_Sir Per_. Vary weel, sir: sit ye down then, sit you down here: _[They sit down_.]--and now, sir, you must recall to your thoughts, that your grandfather was a man, whose penurious income of half pay was the sum total of his fortune;--and, sir, aw my provision fra him was a modicum of Latin, an expertness in arithmetic, and a short system of worldly counsel; the principal ingredients of which were, a persevering industry, a rigid economy, a smooth tongue, a pliability of temper, and a constant attention to make every man well pleased with himself.

_Eger_. Very prudent advice, sir.

_Sir Per_. Therefore, sir, I lay it before you.--Now, sir, with these materials I set out a raw-boned stripling fra the north, to try my fortune with them here in the south; and my first step intill the world was, a beggarly clerkship in Sawney Gordon's counting house, here in the city of London, which you'll say afforded but a barren sort of a prospect.

_Eger_. It was not a very fertile one indeed, sir.

_Sir Per_. The reverse, the reverse: weel, sir, seeing myself in this unprofitable situation, I reflected deeply; I cast about my thoughts morning, noon, and night, and markt every man and every mode of prosperity,--at last I concluded that a matrimonial adventure, prudently conducted, would be the readiest gait I could gang for the bettering of my condition, and accordingly I set about it: now, sir, in this pursuit, beauty! beauty!--ah! beauty often struck mine een, and played about my heart! and fluttered, and beat, and knocked, and knocked, but the devil an entrance I ever let it get;--for I observed, sir, that beauty--is generally--a proud, vain, saucy, expensive, impertinent sort of a commodity.

_Eger_. Very justly observed, sir.

_Sir Per_. And therefore, sir, I left it to prodigals and coxcombs, that could afford to pay for it; and in its stead, sir, mark! I looked out for an ancient, weel-jointured, superannuated dowager:--a consumptive, toothless, ptisicky, wealthy widow,--or a shrivelled, cadaverous piece of deformity in the shape of an izzard, or a appersi-and,--or, in short, ainy thing, ainy thing that had the siller, the siller,--for that, sir, was the north star of my affections. Do you take me, sir; was nai that right?

_Eger_. O! doubtless--doubtless, sir.

_Sir Per_. Now, sir, where do you think I ganged to look for this woman with the siller?--nai till court, nai till playhouses or assemblies--nai, sir. I ganged till the kirk, till the anabaptist, independent, bradlonian, and muggletonian meetings; till the morning and evening service of churches and chapels of ease, and till the midnight, melting, conciliating love-feasts of the methodists; and there, sir, at last, I fell upon an old, slighted, antiquated, musty maiden, that looked--ha, ha, ha! she looked just like a skeleton in a surgeon's glass case. Now, sir, this miserable object was religiously angry with herself and aw the world; had nai comfort but in metaphysical visions, and supernatural deliriums; ha, ha, ha! Sir, she was as mad--as mad as a Bedlamite.

_Eger_. Not improbable, sir, there are numbers of poor creatures in the same condition.

_Sir Per_. O! numbers--numbers. Now, sir, this cracked creature used to pray, and sing, and sigh, and groan, and weep, and wail, and gnash her teeth constantly, morning and evening, at the Tabernacle in Moorfields: and as soon as I found she had the siller, aha! guid traith, I plumpt me down upon my knees, close by her--cheek by jowl--and prayed, and sighed, and sung, and groaned, and gnashed my teeth as vehemently as she could do for the life of her; ay, and turned up the whites of mine een, till the strings awmost crackt again:--I watcht her motions, handed her till her chair, waited on her home, got most religiously intimate with her in a week,--married her in a fortnight, buried her in a month;--touched the siller, and with a deep suit of mourning, a melancholy port, a sorrowful visage, and a joyful heart, I began the world again;--and this, sir, was the first bow, that is, the first effectual bow, I ever made till the vanity of human nature:--now, sir, do you understand this doctrine?

_Eger_. Perfectly well, sir.

_Sir Per_. Ay, but was it not right? was it not ingenious, and weel hit off?

_Eger_. Certainly, sir: extremely well.