Chapter 4

'You will?' exclaimed Bill, grasping Bunyip by the hand.

'I will,' said Bunyip firmly. 'All I ask is that you strike a dignified attitude in the presence of these scoundrels, and, at a given word, follow my example.'

They all struck a dignified attitude in front of the puddin'-thieves, and Bunyip Bluegum, raising his hat, struck up the National Anthem, the others joining in with superb effect.

'Hats off in honour to our King,' shouted Bill, and off came all the hats. The puddin'-thieves, of course, were helpless. The Wombat had to take his hat off, or prove himself disloyal, and there was Puddin' sitting on his head.

'Now who's a liar?' shouted Bill, hitting the Possum a swinging blow on the snout, while Sam gave the Wombat one of his famous over-arm flip flaps that knocked all the wind out of him. The Wombat tried to escape punishment by shouting, 'Never strike a man with a Puddin' on his head'; but, now that their guilt was proved, Bill and Sam were utterly remorseless, and gave the puddin'-thieves such a trouncing that their shrieks pierced the firmament. When this had been done, all hands gave them an extra thumping in the interests of common morality. Eggs were rubbed in their hair by Benjimen, and Bill and Sam attended to the beating and snout-bending, while Bunyip did the reciting. Standing on a stump, he declaimed--

'The blows you feel we do not deal In common, vulgar thumping; To higher motives we appeal-- It is to teach you not to steal, Your head we now are bumping. You need not go on pumping Appeals for kinder dealing, We like to watch you jumping, We like to hear you squealing. We rather think this thumping Will take a bit of healing. We hope these blows upon the nose, These bended snouts, these tramped-on toes, These pains that you are feeling The truth will be revealing How wrong is puddin'-stealing.'

Then, with great solemnity, he recited the following fine moral lesson--

'A puddin'-thief, as I've heard tell, Quite lost to noble feeling, Spent all his days, and nights as well, In constant puddin'-stealing.

'He stole them here, he stole them there, He knew no moderation; He stole the coarse, he stole the rare, He stole without cessation.

'He stole the steak-and-kidney stew That housewives in a rage hid; He stole the infant's Puddin' too, The Puddin' of the aged.

'He lived that Puddin's he might lure, Into his clutches stealthy; He stole the Puddin' of the poor, The Puddin' of the wealthy.

'This evil wight went forth one night Intent on puddin'-stealing, When he beheld a hidden light A secret room revealing.

'Within he saw a fearful man, With eyes like coals a-glowing, Whose frightful whiskers over-ran His face, like weeds a-blowing;

'And there this fearful, frightful man, A sight to set you quaking, With pot and pan and curse and ban, Began a Puddin' making.

''Twas made of buns and boiling oil, A carrot and some nails-O! A lobster's claws, the knobs off doors, An onion and some snails-O!

'A pound of fat, an old man rat, A pint of kerosene-O! A box of tacks, some cobbler's wax, Some gum and glycerine-O!

'Gunpowder too, a hob-nailed shoe, He stirred into his pottage; Some Irish stew, a pound of glue, A high explosive sausage.

'The deed was done, that frightful one, With glare of vulture famished, Blew out the light, and in the night Gave several howls, and vanished.

'Our thieving lout, ensconced without, Came through the window slinking; He grabbed the pot and on the spot Began to eat like winking.

'He ate the lot, this guzzling sot-- Such appetite amazes-- Until those high explosives wrought Within his tum a loud report, And blew him all to blazes.

'For him who steals ill-gotten meals Our moral is a good un. We hope he feels that it reveals The danger he is stood in Who steals a high explosive bomb, Mistaking it for Puddin'.'

The puddin'-thieves wept loudly while this severe rebuke was being administered, and promised, with sobs, to amend their evil courses, and in the future to abstain from unlawful puddin'-snatching.

'Your words,' said the Possum, 'has pierced our brains with horror and remorse'; and the Wombat added: 'From this time onwards our thoughts will be as far removed from Puddin' as is the thoughts of angels.'

'We have heard that before,' said Bunyip Bluegum; 'but let us hope that this time your repentance is sincere. Let us hope that the tenderness of your snouts will be, if I may be permitted a flight of poetic fancy, a guiding star to lure your steps along the path of virtue--

'For he who finds his evil course is ended By having of his snout severely bended, Along that path of virtue may be sent Where virtuous snouts are seldom ever bent.'

With that the puddin'-thieves went over the hill, the sun went down and evening arrived, punctual to the minute.

'Ah,' said Bill. 'It's a very fortunate thing that evenin's come along at this time, for, if it hadn't, we couldn't have waited dinner any longer. But, before preparin' for a night of gaiety, dance, and song, I have a proposal to put before my feller Puddin'-owners. I propose to invite our friend Ben here to join us round the camp fire. He has proved himself a very decent feller, free with his eggs, and as full of revenge against puddin'-thieves as ourselves.'

'Hospitably spoken,' said Bunyip Bluegum, and the Puddin'-owners sang--

'Come join us we intreat, Come join us we implore, In Friendship's name our guest we claim, And Friendship's name is law.

'We've Puddin' here a treat, We've Puddin' here galore; Do not decline to stay and dine, Our Puddin' you'll adore.

'Our Puddin', we repeat, You really cannot beat, And here are we its owners three Who graciously intreat You'll be at our request, The Puddin'-owners' guest.'

'For these sentiments of esteem, admiration, and respect,' said Ben, 'I thank you. As one market-gardener to three Puddin'-owners, I may say I wouldn't wish to eat the Puddin' of three finer fellers than yourselves.'

With this cordial understanding they set about preparing the camp fire, and the heartiest expressions of friendship were indulged in while the Puddin' was being passed round. As Bunyip aptly remarked--

'All Fortune's buffets he can surely pardon her, Who claims as guest our courteous Market Gardener.'

To which Benjimen handsomely replied--

'Still happier he, who meets three Puddin'-owners, Whose Puddin' is the equal of its donors.'

And, indeed, a very pleasant evening they had round the camp fire.

Fourth Slice

'This is what I call satisfactory,' said Bill, as they sat at breakfast next morning. 'It's a great relief to the mind to know that them puddin'-thieves is sufferin' the agonies of remorse, and that our Puddin' is safe from bein' stolen every ten minutes.'

'You're a bun-headed old optimist,' said the Puddin' rudely. 'Puddin'-thieves never suffer from remorse. They only suffer from blighted hopes and suppressed activity.'

'Have you no trust in human nature, Albert?' asked Bill, sternly. 'Don't you know that nothin' gives a man greater remorse than havin' his face punched, his toes trod on, and eggs rubbed in his hair?'

'I have grave doubts myself,' said Bunyip Bluegum, 'as to the sincerity of their repentance'; and Ben Brandysnap said that, speaking as a market gardener, his experience of carrot catchers, onion snatchers, pumpkin pouncers, and cabbage grabbers induced him to hold the opinion that shooting them with pea-rifles was the only sure way to make them feel remorse.

In fact, as Sam said--

'The howls and groans of pain and grief, The accents of remorse, Extracted from a puddin'-thief Are all put on, of course.'

'Then, all I can say is,' cried Bill, enraged, 'if there's any more of this business of puddin'-thieves, disguised as firemen, stealing our Puddin', and puddin'-thieves, not disguised at all, shovin' bags over our heads, blow me if I don't give up Puddin'-owning in despair and take to keepin' carrots for a livin'.'

The Puddin' was so furious at this remark that they were forced to eat an extra slice all round to pacify him, in spite of which he called Bill a turnip-headed old carrot-cruncher, and other insulting names. However, at length they set out on the road, Bill continuing to air some very despondent remarks.

'For what is the good of havin' a noble trustin' nature,' said he, 'for every low puddin'-thief in the land to take advantage of? As far as I can see, the only thing to do is to punch every snout we meet, and chance the odds it belongs to a puddin'-thief.'

'Come,' said Bunyip Bluegum, 'I see you are not your wonted, good-humoured self this morning. As a means of promoting the general gaiety, I call on you to sing the _Salt Junk Sarah_ without delay.'

This was immediately effective, and Bill with the greatest heartiness roared out--

'Ho, aboard the _Salt Junk Sarah_ Rollin' round the ocean wide, The bo'sun's mate, I grieve to state, He kissed the bo'sun's bride.

'Rollin' home, rollin' home, Home across the foam; The bo'sun rose and punched his nose And banged him on the dome.'

At about the fifteenth verse they came to the town of Tooraloo, and that put a stop to the singing, because you can't sing in the public streets unless you are a musician or a nuisance. The town of Tooraloo is one of those dozing, snoozing, sausage-shaped places where all the people who aren't asleep are only half awake, and where dogs pass away their lives on the footpaths, and you fall over cows when taking your evening stroll.

There was a surprise awaiting them at Tooraloo, for the moment they arrived two persons in bell-toppers and long-tailed coats ran out from behind a fence and fell flat on their backs in the middle of the road, yelling 'Help, help! thieves and ruffians are at work!'

The travellers naturally stared with amazement at this peculiar conduct. The moment the persons in bell-toppers caught sight of them they sprang up, and striking an attitude expressive of horror, shouted:

'Behold the puddin'-thieves!'

'Behold the what?' exclaimed Bill.

'Puddin'-thieves,' said one of the bell-topperers. 'For well you know that that dear Puddin' in your hand has been stolen from its parents and guardians, which is ourselves.' And the other bell-topperer added, 'Deny it not, for with that dear Puddin' in your hand your guilt is manifest.'

'Well, if this ain't enough to dumbfound a codfish,' exclaimed Bill. 'Here's two total strangers, disguised as undertakers, actually accusin' us of stealin' our own Puddin'. Why, it's outside the bounds of comprehension!'

'It's enough to stagger the senses,' said Sam.

'It's enough to daze the mind with horror,' said Bill.

'Come, come,' said the bell-topperers, 'cease these expressions of amazement and hand over the stolen Puddin'.'

'What d'yer mean,' exclaimed Bill, 'by calling this a stolen Puddin'? It's a respectable steak-and-kidney, apple-dumplin', grand digestive Puddin', and any fellers in pot-hats sayin' it's a stolen Puddin' is scoundrels of the deepest dye.'

'Never use such words to people wearing bell-toppers,' said one of the bell-topperers, and the other added, 'With that dear Puddin' gazing up to heaven, how can you use such words?'

'All very fine, no doubt,' sneered Bill, 'but if you ain't scoundrels of the deepest dye, remove them hats and prove you ain't afraid to look us in the eye.'

'No, no,' said the first bell-topperer. 'No removing hats at present on account of sunstroke, and colds in the head, and doctor's orders. My doctor said to me only this morning, "Never remove your hat." Those were his words. "Let it be your rule through life," he said, "to keep the head warm, whatever happens."'

'No singing "God save the King", neither,' said the other bell-topperer. 'Let your conduct be noble, and never sing the National Anthem to people wearing bell-toppers.'

'In fact,' said the first bell-topperer, 'all we say is, hand over the Puddin' with a few well-chosen words, and all ill-feeling will be dropped.'

Bill was so enraged at this suggestion that he dashed his hat on the ground and kicked it to relieve his feelings. 'Law or no law,' he shouted, 'I call on all hands to knock them bell-toppers off.'

All hands made a rush for the bell-topperers, who shouted, 'An Englishman's hat is his castle,' and Top-hats are sacred things'; but they were overpowered by numbers, and their hats were snatched off. 'THE PUDDIN'-THIEVES!' shouted the company.

Those bell-toppers had disguised that snooting, snouting scoundrel, the Possum, and his snoozing, boozing friend the Wombat! There was an immense uproar over this discovery, Bill and Sam flapping and snout-bending away at the puddin'-thieves, the puddin'-thieves roaring for mercy. Ben denounced them as bag snatchers, and Bunyip Bluegum expressed his indignation in a fine burst of oratory, beginning:

'Base, indeed, must be those scoundrels, who, lost to all sense of decency and honour, boldly assume the outward semblance of worthy citizens, and, by the pretentious nature of their appearance, not only seek the better to impose upon the noble credulity of Puddin'-owners, but, with dastardly cunning, strike a blow at Society's most sacred emblem--the pot-hat.'

The uproar brought the Mayor of Tooraloo hastening to the scene, followed by the local constable. The Mayor was a little, fat, breathless, beetle-shaped man, who hastened with difficulty owing to his robe of office being trodden on by the Constable, who ran close behind him in order to finish eating a banana in secret. He had some more bananas in a paper bag, and his face was one of those feeble faces that make one think of eggs and carrots and feathers, if you take my meaning.

'How now, how now!' shouted the Mayor. 'A riot going on here, a disturbance in the town of Tooraloo. Constable, arrest these rioters and disturbers.'

'Before going to extremes,' said the Constable, in a tremulous voice, 'my advice to you is, read the Riot Act, and so have all the honour and glory of stopping the riot yourself.'

'Unfortunately,' said the Mayor, 'in the haste of departure, I forgot to bring the Riot Act, so there's nothing else for it; you must have all the honour and glory of quelling it.'

'The trouble is,' said the Constable, 'that there are far too many rioters. One would have been quite sufficient. If there had been only one small undersized rioter, I should have quelled him with the utmost severity.'

'Constable,' said the Mayor, sternly, 'in the name of His Majesty the King, I call on you to arrest these rioters without delay.'

'Look here,' said Bill, 'you're labourin' under an error. This ain't a riot at all. This is merely two puddin'-thieves gettin' a hidin' for tryin' to steal our Puddin'.'

'Puddin'-thieves!' exclaimed the Mayor. 'Don't tell me that puddin'-thieves have come to Tooraloo.'

'It staggers me with pain and grief, I can't believe it's true, That we should have a puddin'-thief Or two in Tooraloo.

'It is enough to make one dumb And very pale in hue To know that puddin'-thieves should come To sacred Tooraloo.

'The Law's just anger must appear. Ho! seize these scoundrels who Pollute the moral atmosphere Of rural Tooraloo.'

'We protest against these cruel words,' said the Possum. 'We have been assaulted and battered and snout-bended by ruffians of the worst description.'

'How can Your Worship say such things,' said the Wombat, 'and us a-wearin' bell-toppers before your very eyes.'

'If you've been assaulted and battered,' said the Mayor, 'we shall have to arrest the assaulters and batterers, as well.'

'What's fair to one is fair to all,' said the Constable. 'You'll admit that, of course?' he added to Bill.

'I admit nothin' of the sort,' said Bill. 'If you want to arrest anybody, do your duty and arrest these here puddin'-snatchers.

'If you're an officer of the Law, A constant felon-catcher, Then do not hesitate before A common puddin'-snatcher.'

'We call on you to arrest these assaulters and batterers of people wearing top-hats,' said the puddin'-thieves;

'Our innocence let all attest, We prove it by our hatter; It is your duty to arrest Not those in top-hats of the best But those who top-hats batter.'

'It's very clear that somebody has to be arrested,' said the Mayor. 'I can't be put to the trouble of wearing my robes of office in public without somebody having to pay for it. I don't care whether you arrest the top-hat batterers, or the battered top-hatters; all I say is, do your duty, whatever happens--

'So somebody, no matter who, You must arrest or rue it; As I'm the Mayor of Tooraloo, And you've the painful job to do, I call on you to do it.'

'Very well,' said the Constable, peevishly, 'as I've got to take all the responsibility, I'll settle the matter by arresting the Puddin'. As far as I can see, he's the ringleader in this disturbance.'

'You're a carrot-nosed poltroon,' said the Puddin' loudly. 'As for the Mayor, he's a sausage-shaped porous plaster,' and he gave him a sharp pinch in the leg.

'What a ferocious Puddin',' said the Mayor, turning as pale as a turnip. 'Officer, do your duty and arrest this dangerous felon before he perpetrates further sacrilegious acts.'

'That's all very well, you know,' said the Constable, turning as pale as tripe; 'but he might nip me.'

'I can't help that,' cried the Mayor, angrily. 'At all costs I must be protected from danger. Do your duty and arrest this felon with your hat.'

The Constable looked round, gasped, and summoning all his courage, scooped up the Puddin' in his hat.

'My word,' he said, breathlessly, 'but that was a narrow squeak. I expected every moment to be my last.'

'Now we breathe more freely,' said the Mayor, and led the way to the Tooraloo Court House.

'If this isn't too bad,' said Bill, furiously. 'Here we've had all the worry and trouble of fightin' puddin'-thieves night and day, and, on top of it all, here's this Tooralooral tadpole of a Mayor shovin' his nose into the business and arrestin' our Puddin' without rhyme or reason.'

As they had arrived at the Court House at that moment, Bill was forced to smother his resentment for the time being. There was nobody in Court except the Judge and the Usher, who were seated on the bench having a quiet game of cards over a bottle of port.

'Order in the Court,' shouted the Usher, as they all came crowding in; and the Judge, seeing the Constable carrying the Puddin' in his hat, said severely:

'This won't do, you know; it's Contempt of Court, bringing your lunch here.'

'An' it please you, My Lord,' said the Constable hurriedly, 'this here Puddin' has been arrested for pinching the Mayor.'

'As a consequence of which, I see you've pinched the Puddin',' said the Judge facetiously. 'Dear me, what spirits I am in to-day, to be sure!'

'The felon has an aroma most dangerously suggestive of beef gravy,' said the Usher, solemnly.

'Beef gravy?' said the Judge. 'Now, it seems to me that the aroma is much more subtly suggestive of steak and kidney.'

'Garnished, I think, with onions,' said the Usher.

'In order to settle this knotty point, just hand the felon up here a moment,' said the Judge. 'I don't suppose you've got a knife about you?' he asked.

'I've got a paper-knife,' said the Usher; and, the Puddin' having been handed up to the bench, the Judge and the Usher cut a slice each, and had another glass of port.

Bill was naturally enraged at seeing total strangers eating Puddin'-owners' private property, and he called out loudly:

'Common justice and the lawful rights of Puddin'-owners.'

'Silence in the Court while the Judge is eating,' shouted the Usher; and the Judge said severely--

'I really think you ought To see I'm taking food, So, Silence in the Court! (I'm also taking port), If you intrude, in manner rude, A lesson you'll be taught.'

'An' it please Your Lordship,' said the Mayor, pointing to Bill, 'this person is a brutal assaulter of people wearing top-hats.'

'No insults,' said Bill, and he gave the Mayor a slap in the face.

The Mayor went as pale as cheese, and the Usher called out: 'No face-slapping while the judge is dining!' and the Judge said, angrily--

'It's really far from nice, As you ought to be aware, While I am chewing a slice, To have you slapping the Mayor. If I have to complain of you again I'll commit you in a trice, You'd better take my advice; Don't let me warn you twice.'

'All very well for you to talk,' said Bill, scornfully, 'sittin' up there eatin' our Puddin'. I'm a respectable Puddin'-owner, an' I calls on you to hand over that Puddin' under threat of an action-at-law for wrongful imprisonment, trespass, and illegally using the same.'

'Personal remarks to the Judge are not allowed,' shouted the Usher, and the Judge said solemnly--

'A Judge must be respected, A Judge you mustn't knock, Or else you'll be detected And shoved into the dock. You'll get a nasty shock When gaolers turn the lock. In prison cell you'll give a yell To hear the hangman knock.'

Here, the Usher took off his coat, as the day was warm, and hung it on the back of his chair. He then rapped on the bench and said--

'In the name of the Law I must request Less noise while we're having a well-earned rest, For the Judge and the Usher never must shirk

A well-earned rest in the middle of work. It's the duty of both they are well aware To preserve their precious lives with care; It's their duty, when feeling overwrought, To preserve their lives with Puddin' and Port.'

He sat down and tossed off a bumper of port to prove his words. 'Your deal, I think,' said the Judge, and they went on sipping and munching and dealing out cards. At this, Bill gave way to despair.

'What on earth's to be done?' he asked. 'Here's these legal ferrets has got our Puddin' in their clutches, and here's us, spellbound with anguish, watchin' them wolfin' it. Here's a situation as would wring groans from the breast of a boiled onion.'

'Why, it's worse than droppin' soverins down a drain,' said Sam.

'It's worse than catchin' your whiskers in the mangle,' said Bill.

By a fortunate chance, at this moment the Possum happened to put his snout within Bill's reach, and Bill hit it a swinging clout to relieve his feelings.

'It's unlawful,' shouted the Possum, 'to hit a man's snout unexpectedly when he isn't engaged puddin'-stealing.'

'Observe the rules,' said the Wombat solemnly. 'Be kind to snouts when not engaged in theft.'

'If it hadn't been for you two tryin' to steal our Puddin' all this trouble wouldn't have happened,' said Bill.

'It's the Mayor's fault for bringing us all here,' cried the Possum, angrily. 'If you was a just man, you'd clout him on the snout, too.'

'The Mayor's to blame,' said the Wombat. 'What about the whole lot of us settin' on to him?'

At this suggestion the Mayor trembled so violently that his hat fell off.

'What dreadful words are these?' he asked, and the Constable said hurriedly, 'Never set on to the Mayor while the local Constable is present. Let that be your golden rule.'

'That's all very well,' said Bill, 'but if you two hadn't come interferin' at the wrong moment, our Puddin' wouldn't have been arrested, and all this trouble wouldn't have happened. As you're responsible, the question now is, What are you going to do about it?'

'My advice is,' said the Constable, impressively, 'resign yourselves to Fate.'