Part 2

One that was going to a wedding had a great occasion to untruss a point; whereupon he went under a hedge, but the place not pleasing him, he went under a haystack and then into a saw-pit, and afterwards into a hog-stye, where he did his business. Now the other clowns that were with him, asked him if he had done his task and days labour; Yes, quoth he, I have shit three shillings in nine pences, go and fetch them they are more than a day's labour will come to. So they went to the wedding house, and when they came thither, they were making a reckoning for the fidler, and every one gave what he listed. Oh, quoth one of them, if you want money to make up the reckoning, here is one that can shite three shillings in nine-pences. If he can, quoth the guests, let him bring them hither in his mouth, for I fear they are of so soft a metal, that they will melt in spite of his teeth. So after they had danced a while, a fart was let; whereupon says one, this fart was full charged, for it yielded a large vent; meaning his shirt.

TALE III.

Down in the west country a certain conceited fellow had a great nose; so a country-man by him with a sack of corn, jostled him, saying, your nose stands in my way; whereupon the other fellow with the great nose, took his nose in his hand, and held it to the other side, saying, A pox on thee, go and be hanged.

TALE IV.

Once there was a company of gypsies that came to a country fellow on the highway, and would needs tell him his fortune: amongst other things, they bad him assure himself his worst misfortunes were past, and that he would not be troubled with crosses as he had been: so coming home, and having sold the cow at the market, he look'd in his purse for the money, thinking to have told it to his wife; but he found not so much as one cross in his purse; whereupon he remembered the words of the gypsies and said, that the gypsies had said true that he should not be troubled with crosses, and that they had picked his pocket, and left not a penny in his purse. Whereupon his wife basted and cudgelled him so soundly, that he began to perceive that a man that had a cursed wife should never be without a cross tho' he had never a penny in his purse; and because it was winter-time, he sat a while by the fire-side, and after went to bed supperless and pennyless.

TALE V.

A Farmer's wife in the west had three pigs, which she loved exceedingly well, and fed them with good butter-milk and whey; but they would come running into the house and befoul the rooms: whereupon she resolved to sell them at the market, because they were better fed than taught, but afterwards they were stolen away from her; whereupon she supposed they were driven up to London to learn manners; but said she, they were too old to learn to turn the spit in Barholomew fair, and therefore believed some butchers had stole them away.

Her cock had a piece of cloth sewen about him, and was left upon the perch, but afterwards stolen; whereupon she said, that her cock was turned scholar in a black gown; and so she went to Oxford to a conjurer, to know what was become of her pigs and her cock. The scholar smiled, and told her, the three pigs were blown home, and the cock was made a batchelor of arts in one of the colleges. I thought so, said the woman, for sure batchelors of arts are very coxcombs.

TALE VI.

One in the country having bought a cloak of one that stole it, or made it by slight of hand, he was challenged for it; and being troubled in mind, asked a friend of his, a very witty fellow in the parish, How he might come off? His friend replied, he would tell him for a quart of sack. So to the tavern they went, and having drunk a pint, he desired to know how he might come off? When we have drunk the other pint of sack, quoth his friend, I'll tell you how you may come off. The quart being drunk off, he replied, he would not tell him till they were in the street. So going out of the tavern, Do you see, quoth he, yonder collour seller's shop, pointing as it were, with his finger; do but buy a rope there and hang thyself with it, and I warrant thee thou shalt come off, and never be troubled for that matter.

TALE VII.

A Country Clergyman meeting a neighbour who never came to church, although an old fellow of about fifty, he gave him some reproof on that account, and asked him if he never read at home? No, replied the clown, I cannot read. I dare say, said the parson, you don't know who made you? Not I, in troth, cried the country man. A little boy coming by at the same time, Who made you child? said the parson, God Sir, said the boy.--Why look you there, quoth the Clergyman, are you not ashamed to hear a child of five or six years old, tell me who made him, when you that are so old a man, cannot!--Ah! said the country man, it is no wonder that he should remember; he was made but t'other day, and it is a long while measter since I was made.

FINIS.

GLASGOW, Printed by J. & M. ROBERTSON, Saltmarket, MDCCCII.

* * * * *

Transcriber's Notes:

Minor punctuation errors were fixed on pages 8 and 23. Unusual spellings have been retained throughout. The following typos were corrected--

Page 4, "plalms" changed to "psalms" in two instances. (...bawdy songs, and sing good psalms.) (...they begun to sing psalms so loud...)

Page 9, "littse" changed to "little." (...where they jeer'd him not a little;)

Page 10, "Gypses" changed to "Gypsies" once. (...there came a company of Gypsies...)

Page 14, "sooseness" changed to "looseness." (...having a looseness in his belly,)

Page 18, "it" changed to "is." (...the truth is this...)

Page 20, "thieves." changed to "thieves!" (Help! help! fire! thieves! thieves!)