Chapter 3

In the same Manner did Captain _Hippolytus_ march off with Miss _Phaedra_, though his Shock Head of Hair never had any Powder in it: nay, Lady _Venus_ herself chose young _Jack Adonis_ in a Jockey Coat and Buckskin Breeches.

Cleanliness however is agreeable: Let your Face be burnt with the Sun; but let your Cloaths be well made, and without a Spot on them.

Wash your Mouth, and clean your Teeth often; let your Beard be close shaved, and your Nails short and free from Dirt.

Observe these Documents, and leave all other Niceties to the Women, and to Men who desire to supply their Places.

But now _Bacchus_ summons his Poet. He likewise assists Lovers, and favours the Flame which warms himself.

The _Cretan_ Lady having jumped out of Bed in a raving Fit, wandered on the foreign Shore of _Dia_. She had nothing on but a loose wrapping Gown, without Stockings or Cap: and her Hair hung dishevelled over her Shoulders. She complained of the Cruelty of _Theseus_ to the deep Waves, whilst an unworthy Shower of Tears ran down her Cheeks. She wept, and lamented aloud, and both became her; nor did her Tears diminish her Beauty. Once, and again, she beat her delicious Breasts with her Hands, and cried aloud, _The perfidious Man hath abandoned me; What will become of poor _Ariadne_? What will become of poor _Ariadne_?_ On a sudden a vast Multitude was heard, while many Kinds of strange Instruments, like those of the miserable Masons, accompanied the Voices. The poor Lady sunk with Fear; and suppressed her last Words; nor did the least Blood remain in her Countenance. And now behold the _Bacchanalian_ Women, with their Hair about their Ears, and the light Satyrs, who are always Forerunners of the God. Behold old Master _Silenus_[47] as drunk as a Piper, riding on an Ass, which he is hardly able either to sit or guide. The old Gentleman, endeavouring to follow the _Bacchanalians_, who fly from him and towards him, sets Spurs to his Ass, which being a vicious Beast, kicked up, and threw him over his Ears: upon which all the Satyrs set up a loud Shout, crying out, _Rise, Father, rise and be d----nd to you_. And now the God himself, high mounted on his Four-Wheel Chaise, the Top of which was adorned with Grapes, and which he drove himself, flung his Golden Reins over the Backs of his Pair of Tygers. Poor _Ariadne's_ Colour forsook her Cheeks, and _Theseus_ and her Voice at once deserted her Lips. Thrice she attempted to fly, and thrice being retained, she grew stiff with Fear, and stood trembling as Corn waves in the Field, or Reeds on the River Bank, when fanned by the Wind. To whom the God; _Behold, Madam, a more faithful Lover at your Feet: Fear nothing, Lady fair, you shall be the Wife of _Bacchus_. The Sky shall be your Dowry, where shining in a bright Constellation, by the Name of _Ariadne's_ Crown, you shall often direct the doubtful Mariner's Passage._ He said; and leaping from his Chariot, lest _Ariadne_ should be afraid of the Tygers, the Sand sunk under the Weight of his Feet; and catching her instantly in his Arms, he carried her, who was incapable of scratching, directly off; (for every Thing, we know, is in the Power of a Deity:) And now, whilst Part of his Train sing the _Hymenaeum_, and other cry _Evie Evoe_, two very mysterious Words, and full of Masonry, the God and his new-ravished Bride go together, between a Pair of sacred Sheets.

Whenever therefore you happen to be in Company with a pretty Girl over a Bottle, pray heartily to _Bacchus_, and invoke his nocturnal Rites, that the Wine may not get into your Head. You may now take an Opportunity to toast some Nymph by a fictitious Name, of whom you may say an hundred amorous Things; all which, with the least Assistance, she will readily apply to herself. Double Entendres likewise may be used. You may moreover draw certain Figures in Wine on the Table; and after having spoken of your Mistress in the third Person, you may take this Method of writing her Name, and convincing her, that she herself is the Goddess.

But let your gloating Eyes inform her of your Passion: for an expressive Countenance often finds both Words and Utterance.

When she drinks, receive the Cup from her; and let her see you industrious to find out the Place before pressed by her Lips; and then drink eagerly at the same.

And whatever Part of the Meat she shall touch with her Fingers, do not fail to give the Preference to that: if in catching at it, you touch her Hand into the Bargain, it is the better.

But above all Things, let it be your Endeavour to please her Keeper, if she have any: For to make a Friend of him will be very useful to you both.

When you are at Table, let him be always helped first, and to the most elegant Tid-Bit; and when you drink together, offer him always the Place of Toast-maker; whether he be your Inferiour or your Equal, let him always choose before you, and be not ashamed to trowel him well over with Flattery.

It is a safe and common Way to deceive under Pretence of Friendship; I must own, however safe and common it is, it is not altogether blameless.

This is indeed a Dishonesty not very unlike that of a Major Domo, who under the Colour of Friendship empties your Cellars of your Wine, by pushing the Bottle further than is necessary.

Now to fix a certain Stint to your Cups, I allow you never to drink till your Head becomes giddy, and your Feet begin to totter.

Beware of Quarrels, which are often occasioned by Wine. Let not your Hands be too ready to strike in your Cups.

Remember the old Story of the Wedding of _Pyrothous_[48] and many more where drunken Fools by being quarrelsome in their Liquor have come short home. A Drinking Bout is in Reality a properer Scene for Joke and Mirth, than for Fighting.

I proceed to other Lessons[49]. If you have a Voice, then sing; if you have handsome Legs, cut Capers, or slide into the Minuet Step. In short, endeavour to please your Mistress, by exerting those Talents in which Nature hath given you to excel.

Now, as real Drunkenness may be hurtful to you, so you may sometimes reap Advantages by pretending yourself in Liquor, by Stammering or Lisping a little slyly: For then if you should descend to some Expressions of the grosser Kind, it will be imputed to your having taken a Cup too much.

Drink Bumpers to the Health of your Mistress, and of the Gentleman with whom she is obliged to sleep; but I do not insist on your being extremely sincere on this Occasion: for you may heartily wish him hanged at the same Time, if you please.

When the Company rises to go away, there is always a Confusion in the Room, of which you may take Advantage. You may then creep close up to your Mistress, may perhaps palm her, and gently tread on her Toes.

Whenever you have an Opportunity of speaking to her privately, be not bashful like a Country Boobily Squire. Remember Fortune and Love both favour the Bold.

I do not intend to lay down any Rules for your Oratory on this Occasion. Do but begin boldly, and you will be Eloquent of course: Set this only before you, that you are to act the Part of a Lover, to talk of Wounds and Darts, and Dying and Despair, and all that, as Mr. _Bayes_ says: For if you can once make her believe you are in Love, your Business is done. To create therefore this Faith in her, you must employ every Art of which you are Master.

Nor is this indeed so difficult a Task: For every Woman believes herself to be the Object of Love; be she never so ugly, she is still amiable in her own Eye.

Sometimes indeed no Deceit is in the End put on the Woman, for her pretended Lover becomes often a real one, and is the very Creature which he before personated.

And by the Way, young Ladies, let me tell you this is no small Encouragement to you, to countenance such Pretences; for if you manage well, you may often inspire a Man with Love in Earnest, while he is endeavouring to impose a fictitious Passion upon you.

But to return to my Scholars. Flatter with all your Might: for the Mind is taken as it were by Stealth, by Flattery, even as the Bank which hangs over a River is undermined by the liquid Waves.

Never be weary therefore of commending her Face, or her Hair; her taper Arm, or her pretty little Foot.

The chastest Matrons are fond of hearing the Praises of their Beauty; and the purest Virgins make the Charms of their Persons at once their Business and their Pleasure.

What else is meant by that ancient Fable of _Juno_ and _Pallas_, whom the _Greek_ Poets represent as yet ashamed of the Conquest obtained by _Venus_.

This Vanity seems to extend itself to Animals, in many of which we may observe some Traces of it.

The peacock, if you seem to admire her, spreads forth her Golden Plumes, which she never displays to an indifferent Spectator.

The Race-Horse, while he is running for a Plate, enjoys the Beauties of his well-combed Mane, and gracefully turned Neck.

Secondly, to Flattery, add Promises, and those not timorous nor sneaking ones. If a Girl insists upon a Promise of Marriage, give it her, and bind it by many Oaths[D]; for no Indictment lies for this sort of Perjury.

The Antients vented horrid Impieties on this Occasion, and introduced _Jupiter_ shaking his Sides at the Perjuries of Lovers, and ordering the Winds to puff them away: Nay, he is said to have forsworn himself even by _Styx_ to _Juno_: and therefore, say they, he encourages Men to follow his Example.

[Note D: This is the most exceptionable Passage in the whole Work. We have endeavoured to soften it as much as possible; but even as it now stands, we cannot help expressing Detestation of this Sentiment, which appears shocking even in a Heathen Writer.]

But though a Christian must not talk in this Manner, yet I believe it may be one of those Sins which the Church of _Rome_ holds to be venial, or rather venal.

I would here by no Means be suspected of Infidelity or Profaneness. It is necessary there should be a God; and therefore we must believe there is; nay, we must worship him: For he doth not possess himself in that indolent State in which the Deities of _Epicurus_ are depictured. If we live innocent Lives, we may depend on the Care of his Providence.

Restore faithfully whatever is deposited in your Hands: Be just in all your Contracts: Avoid all Kind of Fraud, and be not polluted with Blood. A wise Man will be a Rogue only among the Girls: For in all other Articles a Gentleman will be ashamed of breaking his Word.

And what is this more than deceiving the Deceivers? The Sex are for the greatest Part Impostors; let them therefore fall in the Snares which they have spread for others.

Perhaps you have never read the Justice of _Busiris_; when Egypt was burnt up Nine Years together for want of Rain, one _Thrasius_ a Foreigner came to Court, and being introduced to the King by _Clementius Cotterelius_, he acquainted his Majesty, that _Jupiter_ was to be propitiated by the Blood of a Stranger. The King Answered him, _Then thou thyself shalt be the first Victim, and with thy foreign Blood shalt give Rain to Egypt_.

To the same Purpose is the Story of _Phalaris_, who roasted the Limbs of _Perillus_ in his own Bull: Thus making Proof of the Goodness of the Work by the Torments of the unhappy Maker.

Now there was great Justice in both these Examples; for nothing can be more equitable than that the Inventers of Cruelty should perish by their own Art.

To apply this to our present Purpose: As there is no Deceit or Perjury which Women will stick at putting in use against us, let them lament the Consequence of their own Examples.

Thirdly, Tears are of great Service. The Proverb tells you, _Tears will move Adamant_. If you can bring it about therefore, let your Mistress see your Cheeks a little blubbered upon Occasion.

If Tears should refuse to come (as they sometimes will) an Onion in your Handkerchief will be of great use.

Fourthly, Kisses. What Lover of any Sense doth not mix Kisses with his tender Expressions! Perhaps she will not give them easily: No Matter, take them without her Leave.

Perhaps she will scratch, and say you are rude: Notwithstanding her Scratches, she will be pleased with your getting the better.

Do this, however, in so gentle a Manner, that you may not hurt her tender Lips; nor let her complain of being scrubbed with your Beard.

Now when you have proceeded to Kisses, if you proceed no farther, you may well be called unworthy of what you have hitherto obtained. When you was at her Lips, how near was you to your Journey's End! If therefore you stop there, you rather deserve the Name of a bashful 'Squire than of a modest Man.

The Girls may call this perhaps Violence; but it is a Violence agreeable to them: For they are often desirous of being pleased against their Will: For a Woman taken without her Consent, notwithstanding her Frowns, is often well satisfied in her Heart, and your Impudence is taken as a Favour; whilst she who, when inclined to be ravished, hath retreated untouched, however she may affect to smile, is in reality out of Humour.

Ravishing is indeed out of Fashion in this Age; and therefore I am at a Loss for modern Examples; but antient Story abounds with them.

Miss[50] _Phoebe_ and her Sister were both ravished, and both were well pleased with the Men who ravished them.

Though the Story of _Deidamia_ was formerly in all the _Trojan_ News-Papers, yet my Reader may be pleased to see it better told.

_Venus_ had now kept her Word to _Paris_, and given him the Beauty she had promised, not as a Bribe, but as a Gratification for his having made an Award in her Favour, in the famous Cause between _Juno_ and others against _Venus_, in _Trover_ for a Golden Apple; which was referred to him at the Assizes at _Ida_.

_Paris_, every one knows, no sooner had received Mrs. _Helen_, than he immediately carried her off to his Father's Court.

Upon this the _Grecians_ entered into an Association; and several Noblemen raised Regiments at their own Expence, out of their Regard to the Public: For Cuckoldom was a public Cause, no one knowing whose Turn it would be next.

Lieutenant-General _Achilles_, who was to command a large Body of Grenadiers, which the _Greeks_ call _Myrmidons_, did not behave handsomely on that Occasion, though he got off afterwards at a Court-Martial by pleading, that his Mother (who had a great deal in her own Power) had insisted on his acting the Part he did; for, I am ashamed to say, he dressed himself in Women's Clothes, and hid himself at the House of one _Lycomedes_, a Man of good Fortune in those parts.

_Fie upon it, General, I am ashamed to see you sit quilting among the Girls; a Sword becomes your Hands much better than a Needle._

_What can you mean by that Work-Basket in a Hand by which Count _Hector_ is to fall? Do you carry that Basket with you to put his Head in?_

_For Shame then, cast away your Huswife, and all those effeminate Trinkets from a Fist able to wield _Harry_ the Fifth's Sword._

It happened, that at the same Time when the General, at the House of 'Squire _Lycomedes_, performed this Feat, Miss _Deidamia_, one of the Maids of Honour, was visiting at the same Place. This young Lady soon discovered that the General was a Man; for indeed he got her Maidenhead.

He ravished her, that is the Truth on't; that a Gentleman ought to believe, in Favour of the Lady: But he may believe the Lady was willing enough to be ravished at the same Time.

When the General threw away his Needle, and grasped the Armour, (you must remember the Story, for it was in the _Trojan Alamain_) the young Lady began to change her Note, and to hope he would not forsake her so.

_Ah! little _Mia_! is this the Violence you complained of? Is this the Ravisher you are afraid of? Why with that gentle Voice do you solicite the Author of your Dishonour to stay with you?_

To come at once to the Moral of my Story; as they are ashamed to make the first Advances, so they are ready to suffer whatever a pushing Man can do unto them.

As for those pretty Master-Misses, the _Adonis's_ of the Age, who confide in their own Charms, and desire to be courted by the Girls; believe me, they will stay long enough before they are asked the Question.

If you are a Man, make the first Overtures: Remember, it is the Man's Part to address the Fair; and it will be her's to be tenderly won.

Be bold then, and put the Question; she desires no more than to have the Question put; and sure you will not deny your own Wishes that Favour.

_Jupiter_ himself went a courting to the Heroines of old: For I never heard of any Girl who courted him.

But if you find Madam gives herself any immoderate Airs at your Proposal, it will then be good to recede a little from your Undertaking, and to affect to sheer off: For many of them, according to the Poet,

_Pursue what flies, and fly what doth pursue._

A short Absence will soon cure her Disdain.

It may be proper likewise to conceal your intentions a little at first, and make your first Advance under the Pretence of _Platonic_ Friendship.

I have known many a Prude taken under these false Colours; and the _Platonic_ Friend hath soon become a happy Lover.

And now as to your Complexion; for believe me, this is a Matter of some Consequence: Though I would not have you effeminate, yet I would have you delicate.

A fair Complexion in a Tar is scandalous, and looks more like a Borough Captain or one of those fresh-water Sailors, who have so much dishonoured our Navy. The Skin of a Seaman ought to be rough, and well battered with Winds and Waves.

Such likewise ought to be the Face of a Fox-hunter, who ought not to fear Rain or Easterly Winds: And the fame becomes the Soldier.

But let the Soldier of _Venus_ look fair and delicate; nay, if your Complexion inclines to Paleness, so much the better; for this will be imputed by every young Girl to Love.

Young _Orion_[51] with a pale Countenance wandered through the Groves, being sick with the Love of Lyrice: And the same Effect had the Love of _Naïs_ upon the Countenance of _Daphnis_[52]; two Lovers very famous in Antiquity.

Leanness is another Token of a Lover; to obtain which, you need not take Physick; sitting up all Night; and writing Love-Letters, will bring this about.

Be sure to look as miserable as possible; so that every one who sees you, may cry, _There goes a Lover_.

And here shall I lament the Wickedness of Mankind, or only simply observe it to you? But in Reality all Friendship and Integrity are nothing more than Names.

Alas! It is dangerous to be too prodigal in the Praises of your Mistress, even to your Friend; for if he believes you, he becomes your Rival.

It is true there are some old Stories of faithful Friends: _Patroclus_ never made a Cuckold of _Achilles_; and _Phaedra's_ Chastity was never attempted by _Pirithous_.

_Pylades_ loved _Hermions_, who was his Friend's Wife; but it was with the pure Love of a Brother: And the same Fidelity did _Castor_ preserve towards his Twin-Brother _Pollux_.

But if you expect to find such Instances in these degenerate Days, you may as well have Faith enough to expect a Pine-Apple from a Pear-Tree, or to hope to fill your Bottle with _Burgundy_ from the River.

I am afraid we are grown so bad, that Iniquity itself gives a Relish to our Pleasures; and every Man is not only addicted to his Pleasures, but those are the sweeter, when season'd with another's Pain.

It is in short a terrible Case, that a Lover ought to fear his Friend more than his Enemy. Beware of the former, and you are safe.

Beware of your Cousin, and your Brother, and your dear and intimate Companions. These are the Sort of Gentry, from whom you are to apprehend most Danger.

Here I intended to have finished; but one Rule more suggests itself.

You are to note then, that there is a great Variety in the Tempers of Women; for a thousand different Women are to be wooed a thousand different Ways.

Mr. _Miller_ will tell you, that the same kind of Soil is not proper for all Fruits. One produces good Carrots, another Potatoes, and a third Turneps. Now there is as great a Variety of Disposition in the human Mind, as there are Forms in the World: For which Reason a Politician is capable of accommodating himself to innumerable Kinds of Tempers: Not _Proteus_ could indeed diversify himself more Ways than he can.

Nay you may learn this Lesson from every Fisherman; for some Fish are to be taken with one Bait, and some with another; others will scarce bite at any, but are however to be drawn out of the Water by a Net.

One good Caution under this Head, is to consider the Age of your Mistress: Old Birds are not taken with Chaff; and an old Hare will be sure to double.

Again, consider Circumstances. Do not frighten an ignorant Woman with Learning, nor a poor Country Girl with your fine Cloathes; for by these Means you will create in them too great an Awe of you. Many a Girl hath run away frighted from the Embraces of the Master, and afterwards fallen into the Clutches of his Footman.

And here we will now cast our Anchor, having finished the first Part of our intended Voyage.

_FINIS_

FOOTNOTES

[Footnote 1: Here _Ovid_ uses the Examples of _Automedon_, who was the Coachman of _Achilles_; and of _Tiphys_, who was Pilot or Steersman to the _Argonauts_.]

[Footnote 2: This is a literal Translation; by which it appears this barbarous Custom of whipping Boys on the Hands, till they look as if they had the Itch, was used by the _Roman_ Schoolmasters as well as by ours.]

[Footnote 3: The Original introduces _Achilles_, who was the pupil of _Chiron_.]

[Footnote 4: In the Original,--_held forth at his Master's Commands those Hands to be whipt, which_ Hector _was hereafter to feel_. The Indelicacy of which Image we have avoided applying to our _British_ Hero.]

[Footnote 5: _Both born of a Goddess._]

[Footnote 6: This is transferred, we hope not improperly from _Roman_ to _British_ Superstition. The _Latin_ alludes to Augury, and very justly ridicules the Folly of Divination by the Flight of Birds.]

[Footnote 7: _Nor were_ Clio _or her Sisters seen by me, while I tended a Flock in the Valleys of Ascra._ This _Ascra_ was a Valley near the _Helicon_, which was the Residence of the Parents of _Hesiod_. Now _Hesiod_ was fabled, whilst he was keeping his Father's Sheep, to have been led by the Muse to the Fountain _Hippocrene_; and being, I suppose, well ducked in that Water, commenced Poet.]

[Footnote 8: This whole Passage is a manifest Burlesque on the Invocations with which the Ancients began their Poems. Not very different is that Sneer at the Beginning of the _Metamorphosis_,

---- _Dii, caeptis_, (NAM VOS MUTASTIS ET ILLAS) _Adspirate_ ----

But the strongest Piece of Burlesque of this kind is the Invocation to _Venus_ at the Beginning of _Lucretius_: For what can be more so than a solemn Application to a Deity for her Assistance in a Work, the professed Intention of which is to expose the Belief of any Deity at all; and more particularly of any Concern which such superior Beings might be supposed to take in the Affairs of Men. For my own part, I must confess, I cannot perceive _that graceful Air of Enthusiasm_ which a noble Author observes in the Invocation of the Antients; many of them indeed seem to have been too apparently in jest, to endeavour to impose on their Readers, and in reality to apply to the Muses with less Devotion than our modern Poets, many of whom perhaps believe as much in those Deities as in any other.]

[Footnote 9: _Ovid_ would here insinuate, that the Courtezans only were the Subjects of the ensuing Poem; and in his _Tristibus_ he cites these Lines, and pleads them in his Defence: But he is not over-honest in his Profession; for in many Parts it appears, that his Instructions are calculated for much more than _concessa furtia_.]