Part 2

I’m getting along in years, but, still, grandpa was something like 1000 before they made a mummy out of him. I want to get away with this trip. It will be a good thing for my reputation. Perhaps it will make me famous. I want my posterity to have a fine opinion of me. It’s a good thing for them I was born. I’d like to live a few hundred years more to see some of my descendants, but it isn’t a good thing to have too much to do with one’s relations. I wonder where I’ll be when I am 700? Mrs. Noah did not abuse me once today.—No pirates yet.

MONDAY. COURSE—straight ahead. WEATHER—rain. WIND—variable. SEA—full of seaweed. SHIP’S RUN—2.

REMARKS:

The welsh rarebit we had at my party last night kept me awake.—I wonder what that latitude and longitude is? I ought to have taken a course in navigation before I undertook this trip.—We are using the flint and steel again. The matches are too damp.—Mrs. Ham complains about the butter. She says it is rancid. She can’t expect a Ritz-Carlton aboard. It was guaranteed for a year. If I ever find the manufacturer I’ll make him live up to his agreement.—My umbrella needs re-covering. This weather is certainly monotonous.—No pirates yet.

TUESDAY. COURSE—straight ahead. WEATHER—rain. WIND—invariable. SEA—middling. SHIP’S RUN—2.

REMARKS:

I was nearly scared to death last night. The dogs awakened me. The Irish setters barked with a pronounced brogue. At first I thought someone was breaking into the chicken coop—then I thought of the pirates! Put on my nightcap, took a candle, and went below. Someone hollered, “Who?” I said, “I’m Noah, and who are you or I’ll fire?” I was scared stiff. No answer. I couldn’t find anybody except the two birds that sleep all day. They kept winking and blinking at me. Didn’t find any pirates, but I went back to bed and dreamed about them. Ham says that’s what I get for reading ten shekel novels.

WEDNESDAY. COURSE—straight ahead. WEATHER—rain. WIND—puffy. SEA—dismal. SHIP’S RUN—3.

REMARKS:

Seven kittens came aboard during the night. I don’t know what on earth to do with them. Ham wants to feed them to the iguanodon bernissartensis. I think they ought to go into the rainwater barrel. Mrs. Noah and the girls say they will never speak to me if I drown them.—I’m resting easier. We’re out of the pirate belt.—Our charts are worthless now. The water is too deep for them.—Threw a keg of butter overboard this afternoon.

THURSDAY. COURSE—straight ahead. WEATHER—rain. WIND—blowy. SEA—swelly. SHIP’S RUN—¾.

REMARKS:

Ha! ha! Ham sat on the porcupine.—Poor Shem was stung while feeding the bees. They ought to be muzzled.—Have decided to let those kittens live. I detest a family quarrel.—We moved the pigs’ sty to the extreme stern.—Passed over Damascus at 4.32. Mrs. Ham told us all about her visits to the place with her parents.—It was a fine old town. That reminds me—a fellow there owed me seven and a half camels.

FRIDAY. COURSE—straight ahead. WEATHER—foggy. SEA—foggy. SHIP’S RUN—foggy.

REMARKS:

Rain and fog. There ought to be a law compelling shipowners to muffle their fog-horns. Mine kept me awake all last night.—The dinosaur eats a ton of hay at a meal. If that keeps up we’ll have to put into some port for more provisions.—Mrs. Noah visited the bowels of the ship today. She came up crying. She said the hyenas laughed at her. They are braver than Mr. Noah.—Mrs. Shem is teaching the goats to eat the soup tins. That will save a little hay. Ah! that woman is fine and economical.

SATURDAY. COURSE—straight ahead. WEATHER—rain. WIND—less. SEA—less. SHIP’S RUN—1.

REMARKS:

Barometer going up. My rheumatism is much better. The clouds seem to be breaking. I believe it will clear. I’m so used to this rain I almost hate to see it stop.—One night more and we’ll be able to sit on deck.—I had everybody guessing at the supper table. I asked them where Moses is going to be when the light goes out. The officers and their wives are trying to guess.—I made a muffler for the fog-horn today. Now, let it fog.—Took my bath.

SUNDAY. COURSE—straight ahead. WEATHER—rain. WIND—dying. SEA—calm. SHIP’S RUN—3.

REMARKS:

Fortieth day out. Rain almost over.—Services this A.M. Ham went to sleep during the sermon.—This afternoon I sat around talking to the girls. They love to hear me tell how I captured the animals. Today I told them about lassoing the Wild West buffaloes.—Had to get the trunks out of the hold. Mrs. Noah wanted her parasol.—Everybody more cheerful.—Had the harpactocaicinus punctulatus out for an airing. Something must be wrong with them. They only walked sideways. Looked them up in the encyclopedia and found they were nothing but common crabs.—Nobody has guessed my riddle.—Mrs. Noah quit kicking about her corns. Now, I know it will stop raining.—Well, the old Dreadnought weathered the rain all right.

MONDAY. COURSE—straight ahead. WEATHER—fine. WIND—stopped. SEA—blue. SHIP’S RUN—5.

REMARKS:

Punctually at one second after eight bells—midnight—the rain ceased.—The day dawned bright and clear.—Deck was covered with wash all morning. My, but the sun felt good!—Curried the rust off the two donkey engines.—The ladies began using their kodaks this afternoon. I had to pose for my picture.—After supper we all promenaded the promenade deck. It was clear tonight so we used the searchlight. Much interesting débris about. It is dangerous to navigation.—Everything smells so nice after the shower.—Shem says he can’t quite tell where we are by the stars, but he thinks we are south of the dipper.—Started painting the ship.—Nobody has guessed my riddle.

TUESDAY. COURSE—straight ahead. WEATHER—clear. WIND—balmy. SEA—fine. SHIP’S RUN—5.

REMARKS:

The ladies spent the morning ironing.—I rigged up the deck shuffleboard and practised. The list of the ship makes the game interesting.—I find my umbrella comes in handy to keep off the sun.—The girls are now afraid they will be tanned.—Sat in steamer chair most of the afternoon. Tonight, Shem, Ham, Japheth, and their wives are sitting on deck and singing old songs. I won’t be able to get asleep. I wonder if they think this is a Cook’s tour?—Had to tell the answer to my joke. I thought Shem would die laughing. The dear boy does enjoy humour.—We are trying to see who can walk around the deck the greatest number of times.—My nose is beginning to peel.—My, this weather is glorious!

WEDNESDAY. COURSE—straight ahead. WEATHER—clear. WIND—same. SEA—delightful. SHIP’S RUN—5.

REMARKS:

Still painting ship. Mrs. Ham caught her dress in it. Poor Ham got an awful lecture. She complained to the captain, but I beat it to the bridge. Some women are so funny.—The moon came up tonight. All the young married people are out on deck spooning. It’s a peculiar thing how the moon and steamers affect some people. I can hear Mrs. Noah snoring now. A few hundred years ago we also used to be sentimental.—Put up the awnings today.—Walked around the deck 24 times after supper.—Wish there were some nice old school teachers aboard.

THURSDAY. COURSE—straight ahead. WEATHER—clear. WIND—same. SEA—same. SHIP’S RUN—same.

REMARKS:

The crew continue scrubbing the decks. They did it in the rainy weather, and now it’s just the same. This ship etiquette is a nuisance.—I’m up in the air about my two tadpoles. I don’t know what has become of them. Found two frogs in their cage. I don’t know where they came from either. Perhaps they ate my two pollywogs. Now I have four frogs and no tadpoles.—We have thrown overboard 1,119,111 microbes to date. I only need two of each kind.—I’m getting prouder of my animals every day. I have the finest collection in captivity.—The back of my neck is blistered.—Had a bad scare today. Saw what we thought was a periscope but found it was only one of Mrs. Noah’s ear trumpets which had fallen overboard.

FRIDAY. COURSE—straight ahead. WEATHER—clear. WIND—same. SEA—same. SHIP’S RUN—same.

REMARKS:

We tried to give the ichthyosaurus quadriscessus an airing. She made the ship list so badly we had to drive her back to the steerage.—Guess the second officer fell asleep on the bridge. He did not call me for my watch.—The ladies always want to come up on the bridge when I am there. I had to take them through the Ark today. Mrs. Ham made some sarcastic remarks. She said she had frequently crossed on more luxurious vessels. That may be, but she never had a trip like this. These women are a perfect nuisance, but a captain has to be polite.—Walked around deck 16 times.

SATURDAY. COURSE—straight ahead. WEATHER—same. WIND—same. SEA—same. SHIP’S RUN—same.

REMARKS:

Today we sprinkled a barrel of eau de cologne in the steerage and second cabin.—Posed again for my picture. Mrs. Shem promises to send me one if it is good.—Had the ladies in my cabin for tea. They asked many questions about my experiences at sea. I told them a few old yarns. Gave them all my autograph.—If those potato-bugs don’t soon lose their appetites we will run out of spuds.—Walked around deck 10 times.—Bath.

SUNDAY. COURSE—straight ahead. WEATHER—same. WIND—same. SEA—same. SHIP’S RUN—same.

REMARKS:

Services. I have a hard time getting the men to church this clear weather.—Put on my Sunday clothes today. It’s a nuisance to dress in these little staterooms. Every time I change my robes I have to pull the trunk from under the bunk, and then the things I want are usually in the trunks in the hold.—These women ask me so many foolish questions. I have to explain the machinery, the charts, and tell them how I run the Ark. They pester the life out of me with “What is this?” and “What is that for?” If they bother me tomorrow I’m going to hide.—Walked around the deck eight times.—We have prunes every Sunday night for supper.

WASHDAY. COURSE—straight ahead. WEATHER—same. WIND—same. SEA—same. SHIP’S RUN—same.

REMARKS:

Women folks down below washing. I was awfully lonely all day.—Now that the wireless is out of commission the ladies are using the wires for a clothes line.—Ham says the moles are burrowing in the coal.—The goats nearly ate the fish-worms’ pan.—The two mules with the tiger’s skin are overeating.—Still painting the Ark.—The laundry on this ship is miserable. My collars are like saws.—I’m getting corns on my hands from steering.—Walked around deck five times.

TUESDAY. COURSE—straight ahead. WEATHER—same. WIND—same. SEA—same. SHIP’S RUN—same.

REMARKS:

One of the bulldogs buried his bone in the coal. He wouldn’t let Ham go near the bunkers. If I hadn’t gone down cellar and chased him back to his kennel the Ark would have stopped. Ham is a big coward to be afraid of a little bulldog.—Was shocked this afternoon. Found the women folks in the smoke room holding a suffrage powwow. These women will want to run everything some day. I can remember the time when they knew where they belonged. I haven’t any use for these modern notions.

I’m tired writing all this dope about the course, weather, etc. I’m going to quit it even if I lose my job. Besides, I’m running out of stone and my chisels are getting dull.

WEDNESDAY. COURSE—I forgot, I’m not going to write that any more.

REMARKS:

Spent the morning writing letters.—Shem called my attention to the fact that I call the right hand side of the Ark the right side, and the left hand side the left side. He says I should say “port” for the port side, and “starboard” for the starboard side—or something like that. He seems to forget this is my first flood and I’m liable to make a few mistakes.—Ham dressed up the girl monkey, and took out the hand-organ. He thought I would give him some shekels, but he was mistaken.

THURSDAY.

REMARKS:

Wish the hen would lay more than one egg a day. We take turns eating it for breakfast. Eight days is a long time to wait. I’m going to suggest omelets.—Shem propounded a good one tonight. He asked why a hen crosses the boulevard. I laughed so hard it hurt.—Mrs. Shem took my picture again today.—Four of the seven kittens each found seven more kittens.—Moved the bookworms from the hold to Mrs. Noah’s cook book. They ought to find something they like in it.—The ravens make a lot of noise at night. I would choke them, only I need one later.—Mrs. Noah brings Yorick into the dining-room at meal time. I never did like to see people feed pets at the table.—One of the fleas is lost.

FRIDAY.

REMARKS:

We had our dance tonight. It was a glorious success. I’m all out of breath, and dead tired now. I danced through my birthday dancing sandals. We decorated the deck with flags and Japanese lanterns, and sprinkled candle grease on the dance floor to make it glide. Shem and Mrs. Japheth were the orchestra. I had eleven dances with Mrs. Shem, and only stepped on her feet twice and her dress once. Ham is a rough dancer. He bumped my partner.—Mrs. Noah wore a new gown. I did not think it was becoming because it was cut too _décolleté_. I don’t see why these old women like to look so young.

Mr. and Mrs. Japheth did one of those new dances. I forget what they call it—something about a turkey. Rather unedifying I thought. If there had been any ministers around, I bet they would have passed resolutions.—We danced the minuet seventy times, and the Sir Roger de Coverley twenty. I was mixed up once in awhile because I hadn’t danced some of those dances for over 300 years.—We didn’t have any Egyptian dances.

SATURDAY.

REMARKS:

Had our only real catastrophe today. I’m broken hearted. I’m weeping now. I took the two unicorns out on deck for exercise. They insisted on climbing along the gunwale. They liked nothing better. I was afraid they would fall overboard. They did. It took Ham a long time to stop the Ark. He forgot which levers to pull. When we got back to the place where the unicorns fell overboard there was nothing to be seen but bubbles. The poor dears couldn’t swim. It was the saddest moment in my life. Shem says it may all be for the best because they were only good for designs on escutcheons and coats of arms. I take great comfort in his words, but I am afraid people will always say that unicorns were a myth. All the flags are at half-mast.—Something is making me scratch. I notice some red spots on my person.—Took my bath.

SUNDAY. WIRELESS REPORT—Shem says there’s no fun using the wireless unless you can talk to somebody.

REMARKS:

Services this morning. I am tired of preaching. Wish there had been some good ministers.—The candles are giving out. Was struck with a bright idea. Took the two lightning bugs and put them in a wine bottle. Hung it from the chandelier. Great success.—House-cleaned the aquarium this afternoon. I can’t see why the white fish don’t get along with the smoked herring.—Mrs. Noah located that flea.

MONDAY.

REMARKS:

We played charades tonight. Ham and his wife came as Adam and Eve. We guessed them in a minute. Japheth put on a suit of my robes, and came as me. I guessed him by the beard. Mrs. Noah was an Egyptian princess, who fell in love with some foreigners. I forget her name. Mrs. Japheth appeared as a Chaldean suffragette. We gave her up until she smashed a few portholes.

I came disguised with a lantern. Walked around the deck looking for someone. They couldn’t guess me. Then I went up to a looking-glass and shook hands with myself. They couldn’t even guess me after that. Afterwards, Ham said he thought I was Diogenes but I threw him off the scent when I shook hands with myself.

TUESDAY.

REMARKS:

Mrs. Ham wants me to give her the feathers of the birds of paradise if they die.—Ham played a mean trick on me today. While I was on the bridge he ran up and said somebody wanted me on the telephone. I was half-way down the ladder before I tumbled.—Mrs. Shem made candy this afternoon. She gave me a whole pan to myself. I do like that woman.—Mrs. Noah wishes there were some other women on the Ark to talk about.—Gave the apple worms a fresh apple.—Caught Ham fishing in the gold-fish bowl.

WEDNESDAY.

REMARKS:

Spent the morning tacking a screen around the two spider-webs to keep the flies from bothering the poor bugs.—Fed the moths the last piece of brussels carpet today.—Those two sphinxes haven’t eaten a single thing on the voyage. I’ve read somewhere they only eat mummies.

THURSDAY.

REMARKS:

Nothing happened today.

FRIDAY.

REMARKS:

We’re almost over the equator. Quite warm. Wish we had brought some electric fans.—That moose of mine has a dandy pair of antlers. I’d like to have them for a hat-rack.—Yorick scratched up the flower box. Mrs. Noah never said a word. If one of my animals had done that, I never would have heard the end of it.—It beats me where all these kittens are coming from. Put the canaries in the safe.

SATURDAY.

REMARKS:

Made inventory of cargo. All present. It’s a grand sight to see them all lined up. It’s a wonder I can remember all their names. I do get mixed on the Latin pronunciation occasionally, but the family never notice it. Anyway, I can’t see the use of giving a fly such a high-faluting name as “musca domestica.”—The women folks make a lot of fuss over the peacocks. They’re too fancy for me. I like something plain like a hippopotamus.—It might be a good plan to catalogue these animals while I have them all together. But I’m not a zoölogist. I’m a shipbuilder and navigator.—My day to eat the egg.—Slipped Mrs. Noah’s muff into the moths’ den. It ought to make good pasture for them.—Took my bath.

SUNDAY. WIRELESS REPORT—Do your Christmas shopping early.

REMARKS:

Services.—We’re over India. It’s a shame we are so close to these interesting places and can’t see them.—Shem says we are nearer the horizon today than any time on the cruise.—Ham can’t see any use in hanging up the red and green lights at night. As long as I’m captain I’m going to run the Ark according to the rules. Who ever heard of an Ark at sea without lights?—No ice-cream for dinner today. The freezer is broken.—Mrs. Noah found her muff. She was furious.

MONDAY.

REMARKS:

Can’t understand two little birds among my specimens. They roost in the top of the clock. Every once in awhile they come out and holler “coo-coo.” I have tried everything to make them eat. They don’t like bird-seed. Now, I’m tempting them with worms.—Took Mrs. Noah’s boa to the moths’ den. I was caught. She won’t talk to me now. That woman is heartless. She wouldn’t care if the dear animals starved to death. I’ll have to feed them blotting paper.—Repaired the freezer.

TUESDAY.

REMARKS:

We can’t keep the fox terrier away from talking machine.

WEDNESDAY.

REMARKS:

Had all the creeping things out for exercise. The deck was quite alive. I have made pets of all the animals on the Ark with the exception of some of these. Take the St. Vitus dance microbes for instance—they are entirely too unsympathetic for me. I don’t care much for the snakes either. They are the things that got my great-great-great-great-grandmother into trouble. One of the grasshoppers tried to jump overboard.—Japh, Ham and their wives sit too late in the smoke room. Those children ought to go to bed early.—Mrs. Shem says the Noah family eats so much the pigs are getting thin.—Seven more kittens today.

THURSDAY.

REMARKS:

One of the megatheriums presented her husband with a little, seventy-five foot daughter. We’re too crowded as it is. Shem and I fed her a couple of barrels of chloroform, and then threw it overboard. It will make a fine fossil for some museum.—Mrs. Noah gave a progressive bridge tonight. I had to go. I don’t see why one can’t sit at the same table all evening. Still, the moving keeps me awake. Mrs. Shem won a stamp album, and Ham got a chafing-dish.

FRIDAY.

REMARKS:

Posed again for my picture.—Yorick has eaten all the Spratt’s biscuits.—Dropped one of the clay pigeons, but did not break him.—Spent morning whitewashing the chicken coop.—Fourteen more kittens today.—Passed several floating _Verboten_ signs. We must be over Germany. Mrs. Ham had to tell us all about her travels in that country.—There’s a little hundred-footer in the thousand-legger bunk.

SATURDAY.

REMARKS:

Mrs. Japheth made a _faux pas_ this morning. She shouted, “Ship ahoy.” We all ran to the railing and looked. She insisted she saw smoke beyond the horizon. If there’s anything to be seen the man on the lookout ought to see it first.—I spend a good deal of time on the bridge these days. We are in the path of the liners and I don’t want a collision. But I guess we won’t sink. We have twelve rats aboard.—Bath.

SUNDAY.

REMARKS:

One of the bats broke up church. The women crawled under the pews when we began the chase. Ham smashed a mirror. He’ll have seven years’ bad luck. I finally hit the bird with a tennis racket, and chased him back to his cage. I don’t know, but I believe Ham let him out. I had a good sermon for today, too. I was going to tell the congregation about the sins of the world. They’ll get that sermon yet.—The cook says we are running out of provisions. Our water supply is still good.—My day for the egg.—We’re crossing the Ægean Sea. Mrs. Ham had to tell us about her last voyage.—Going to have a mock trial tomorrow.

MONDAY.

REMARKS:

Had the mock trial tonight. I was arrested on the charge of cruelty to animals. Mrs. Noah swore out the warrant. Japheth was the cop, and Ham the prosecuting attorney. Mrs. Noah was the first witness. She told the court I made the bats sleep upside down, that I wouldn’t let the mock turtles mock, and that I put sawdust in the bran I fed the megatherium cubieri. Mrs. Ham then took the stand and declared I never opened the sardine cans before I fed them to the whales, that I threw my sandle-jack at the cats, and knocked the stuffin’ out of the teddybears. Mrs. Japheth testified I put the chameleon on the crazy-quilt, and that I never cleaned the leopards. Of course, I didn’t do any of these things, but I do wish I had taken a punch at Yorick.

Mrs. Shem was my witness. She said I had been a member of the S. P. C. A. from infancy, that I was a couple of pillars of the temple, that I had done my best to make the bats roost like a regular chicken, and that she had frequently seen me trying to clean the spots off the leopards with benzine. Shem was my lawyer. He declared the accusations were pure blackmail, and that I was too young to be so cruel. The first witness, he said, showed her incompetence by pronouncing “megatherium cubieri,” “megatherium cubieri” and not “megatherium cubieri.” The other witnesses were all in the pay of the animal trust, according to my attorney, and as far as the chameleon charge was concerned he produced evidence to show the bugs like nothing better than a crazy-quilt to display their talents. In ending his speech, Shem said I was the greatest animal keeper who ever lived, and that it would be a blot on ancient history should I be convicted. I was unanimously acquitted by the jury.

TUESDAY.

REMARKS:

Spent morning in the monkey fo’csle. I’d hate to think I was a descendant of theirs. I once asked grandpa about that story. He said he had talked it over with his grandmother. She told him grandpa Adam often declared the fabrication to be a deliberate lie.—I don’t know what to do with the Ark after we land. Perhaps I can sell it to some curiosity or second-hand dealer.—The crane stood on his other leg today.—I felt sorry for the bugs in the hold, so I put an ark light down there.

WEDNESDAY.

REMARKS: