Part 3

Supper being over, the old Man asks his Wife in the next Room, what Time of Night it was; the old Woman replied, it was past Eight of the Clock; at which, the old Man fell into a violent Passion, and scolded horribly at his Wife, for not taking Notice how the Time went away. The Doctor, hearing this Combustion, comes to know the Meaning of it: The old Man tells him, he is undone for ever; he has kept Mrs. _Anne_ here so late that she is locked out of Doors, her Family being always in Bed by Eight of the Clock, and that, on this Account, the 'Squire will turn him out of his Service, by which he got his Livelihood. The Doctor pacifies him, by telling him, that, since this Thing must happen on his Account, he nor his Wife should never want as long as he lived. Well, says the old Man, Mr. Doctor, since you are such a charitable Man, I will put you in a Way to do your Business at once; if you should apply yourself to the 'Squire, he will hardly be brought to Terms; for, though you have a good Estate, yet I know the 'Squire will marry my Mistress to a young Man; and seeing you have now a fair Opportunity, having the Night before you, try to get her Consent, and take her away with you by Three or Four in the Morning to some Parson of your Acquaintance, and marry her: My Master will be soon reconciled, for he has no other Child to inherit his Estate. A good Thought, says the Doctor, and I will try what can be done in the Case.

You may be sure, Madam, now the Doctor attacks the Lady with all the Fury imaginable; the Silence of the Night and Want of Sleep, as I have heard those skilled in Love Affairs say, are great Advantages to an invading Lover; these are the best Times in which to storm a Lady's Fortress: This, I suppose, the Doctor well enough knew, and therefore carried on the Siege with Vigour, and, before Three in the Morning, the young Lady had capitulated, and surrendered upon Articles; which the Doctor tells the old Man of with abundance of Pleasure, who, you may be sure, bids the Doctor Joy: The Doctor desires the old Man to get him a Pillion, which, indeed, the old Man had before provided; and away goes the Doctor and his Lady, and were that Day married.

The Doctor did not stay long at the Place of Marriage, but privately returns to his own House, where he acquainted some of his Friends of his Enterprise, who highly applauded his Ingenuity; but he enjoined them all to Secrecy for some Time. The Doctor daily expected a Hue and Cry after Mrs. _Anne_; but, hearing nothing of it, he concluded the Servants had some how or other concealed the Story from her Father; but his Friends advised him by all Means to go to the Justice, and acquaint him with what he had done with his Daughter, and beg his Pardon for so doing, as a Means of Reconciliation.

The Doctor understanding the Justices of the Peace were to meet that Day about some particular Business in the Town; he went to enquire for the Justice, whom he only knew by Sight, and the Justice had no other Knowledge of the Doctor. The Doctor, in his best _Pontificalibus_'s, comes to the Place of Meeting, which was an Inn, and asks the Drawer, whether Esquire ---- was there; who answered, he was: He bids him shew him a Room, and go tell the Esquire, that Doctor ---- desired to speak with him; the Esquire desires the Doctor to come to him and the rest of the Gentlemen, they having at that Juncture no Business before them; but the Doctor sends Word again that his Business was private, and he heartily intreated the Esquire to come to him, upon which the Esquire comes: The Doctor he falls on his Knees, and begs his Pardon; the Esquire was surprised, as knowing nothing of the Matter, and, being unwilling to be homaged by the Church, he desires the Doctor to rise, or otherwise he would talk no farther with him; the Doctor refused to do it till such Time as he had his Pardon: The Esquire, knowing of no Offence, freely gave him a Pardon; which done, the Doctor arises, telling him, he was sorry that one in his Coat should be guilty of such a Crime: The Esquire, being still in the Dark, replied, he knew no Crime he was guilty of: Sir, says the Doctor, I have married your Daughter: Married my Daughter, says the Esquire, you are certainly mistaken, Doctor. It is certainly true, says the Doctor. Says the Esquire in a great Passion, How long have you been married to my Daughter? I have lain with her these three Nights, says the Doctor: Says the Esquire, you are strangely mistaken, Doctor, for I left my Daughter at Home this Morning. Says the Doctor, you are strangely imposed upon by your Servants, therefore be so kind as to go to my House and see your Daughter, who is there at this present. The Esquire, in an odd Sort of Confusion, goes along with him to the House, and, being conducted into the Parlour where Madam sat in State on her Couch, the Esquire burst out into a Fit of Laughter, and, going to the Lady, salutes her, and wishes her much Joy, and then told the Doctor the Mistake; for, says he, this Lady is my Servant ---- the Hedger's Daughter _Joan_, dressed in my Daughter's Cloaths. The Doctor, being astonished for some Time, recovers himself, comes up to her, takes her in his Arms, and, kissing her, says, If thou art _Joan_, I will love thee as well as if thou hadst been Mrs. _Anne_. And, for aught I know, she made him as good a Wife; for, though she perfectly kidnapped the old Child, yet they lived very comfortably together.

_Politica._ I can nick your Story with one of a Clergyman, that was as indifferent about a Portion as yours was curious. Mr. _G----_, a Minister in _Suffolk_, and of a considerable Estate, lived without Thoughts of Marriage, till the Age of fifty Years; at which Time one of his Parishioners put him in Thoughts of Matrimony. He said he had been so intent on his Studies, that he never thought of a Wife; but that now, if he could find out a good one, he would marry. The Gentleman told him, such a Person about twelve Miles off had three Daughters, either of which would make him a good Wife, but their Fortunes were but small; the Parson said, he knew the Gentleman very well, but did not know he had any Daughters; and, as for Money, that was a Thing he did not value. The Parson in a short Time gives the Gentleman a Visit, who made him very welcome, not knowing the Design of his Coming; but the Parson told him, that he heard he had three Daughters, and one of them would make him a good Wife. The Gentleman replied, he had three Daughters, and that he hoped they would prove to the Satisfaction of any Person who should marry them, and told him either of them was at his Service: The Parson said, they were all alike to him; but, since it was usual to marry the Eldest first, he would take her; the Gentleman replied with all his Heart. Upon which the eldest Daughter was called in. The Parson, sitting in his Chair, and smoaking his Pipe, told her, he had heard she would make him a good Wife: The young Lady, surprised, told him, she did not know that, but did believe she should be a good Wife to any one that should marry her. The Parson put the grand Question, Whether she would have him? She told him, Matrimony was a Thing of that Moment, as required a great deal of Consideration, and not to be so speedily determined. He told her, his Studies would not allow him a long Courtship; and, pulling out his Watch, laid it on the Table, and told her, he would give her an Hour's Time to consider of it. Away goes the Girl, but, believing it to be a Banter, she thought very little on that Subject; the Parson having looked on his Watch, and finding the Hour was gone, he desired the young Lady might be again called in: When she came, the Parson shewed her the Watch, telling her the Hour was past, and that he hoped she had considered of what he had spoke to her about; she told him, that, it being a Matter of such great Consequence, it required a much longer Time than he had set for that Purpose: The Parson hereupon began to fret, and told her further, He found she would not have him, and therefore he desired his Horse to be brought out, for he would be going Homewards. The Gentleman pressed him to continue longer; withall, telling him, though the Eldest required so much Time for Consideration, perhaps the Second might not.

The Parson was hereby prevailed upon to smoak another Pipe, and the Second Daughter was brought in, to whom he carried himself as to the former, and also allowed her an Hour's Time to consider of it. You may be sure, during this Time, the Father and Mother worked the Girl to say, Yes, as plain as if she had been in the Church: The Time being elapsed, the Parson was impatient to go Home, Wife or no Wife, he was so indifferent. The Girl was now called in, and the Parson asked her, Whether she had considered of the Matter? She answered, Yes. Then will you have me? She answers, Yes. Very well then, says the Parson to the Father, all is done but Matrimony; and when shall that be? When you please, says the Father. Then, says the Parson, let it be on _Tuesday_ next. But, says the Father, who shall get the Licence? I will take Care of that, says the Parson; and so, taking Leave of the Father, away he goes. When he had gone about three or four Miles, and thinking of the Licence, he remembered he had not taken his Wife's Christian Name, and so he rode back again as hard as he could drive, and, riding up to the House, he found the eldest Daughter standing at the Door, so he asked her what was her Christian Name? She told him; he bid her a Good-Night, and away he goes.

The Day being come, and the Licence being got ready, the Parson comes to fetch his Wife; away goes the Father with him, and his three Daughters, and two or three other Relations, to the Church, where the Parson and Clerk were ready to make Matrimonial Execution: The Parson asked the Father and Parson _G----_, which of the Daughters was to be married; they answered the second Daughter; but the Parson told them the first Daughter's Name was in the Licence, and therefore he could not marry them till they had got another Licence. Parson _G----_ told them, he could not defer it any longer, and therefore he would be dispatched somehow or other, and told them it was all one to him which of them he had, and so he goes to the Eldest, and asks her whether she would have him? And she, having better considered of the Point, answered Yes, and so they were married.

From Church they went Home to her Father's House, where, having dined, he tells his Wife she must put up such Things as she designed to carry Home with her, for he would quickly be going Homewards: The Relations begged of him to stay all Night, and bed his Wife at her Father's House, it being the usual Custom so to do; he told them, he would lie no where but at his own House, and that he would be going presently. The Relations finding no Arguments would prevail upon him to tarry, they got Mrs. _Bride_ ready; and the Parson, coming to the Door, espied several Horses ready saddled and bridled; he asked, what the Meaning of those Horses Was? They told him, for some of his Wife's Relations, to accompany him Home; he said, no Body should go along with him but his Wife; and so they were forced to stable their Horses, and let the married Couple go Home by themselves.

When they came Home, he conducted her into the House, and saluted her, which was the first Time; and, after he had bid her Welcome, and they had sat about Half an Hour, the Parson calls the old Maid, and bids her bring the Spinning wheel, and told his Wife, he did not doubt but she was a good Housewife, and knew how to make Use of that Instrument: She told him, Yes; then he tells her, he did expect she would work while he was at Work, and no longer; so away goes he to his Study, and Mrs. _Bride_ to Working with the Whirling-engine; about an Hour after he comes down and tells her, now she must leave Work, and bids the old Maid get Supper ready. After they had supped, he goes into his Study, and she to her Spinning-wheel; when he returns again from his Study, he tells her, now she must leave Work; after a short Discourse, he went to Prayers with the Family, and then orders the old Maid to light her Mistress up Stairs, and put her to Bed.

Away goes Madam _Bride_ to Bed, without any Ceremony of eating Sack-posset, or throwing the Stocking; and, as soon as she was in Bed, in comes the Parson, and to Bed goes he; but, sitting up in it, he bids the Maid bring him the little Table, a great Candle, and such a Book from the Study, which she did, and the Parson went to his Reading; upon which, the Bride calls to the Maid: The Parson asked her, what she wanted? She told him, Something: The Maid coming, he bid her speak to her Mistress, who bids her bring up the Spinning-wheel, and a great Candle in the long Candlestick, which the Maid having done, Mrs. _Bride_ went to Whirling it about as hard as ever she could drive; at which the Parson could hardly forbear Bursting out into Laughter, and, finding that Spinning and Reading did not agree well together, he put out his Candle, and laid him down in Bed like a good Husband.

The next Morning he told her, that he found her a Wife of a suitable Temper to himself, and that, for the Future, she might work or play when she pleased; that he left all his temporal Concerns to her Management, and they lived a very happy Couple together, till Death parted them.

This, Madam, is indeed a very comical Story; however, the young Woman got a good Husband by the Bargain: Humours are indeed very uneasy Companions, but the whole Course of human Life is attended with Mixtures of Pleasure and Pain, and it is but common Prudence for us to overlook a few Impertinences, rather than lose the most necessary Comforts of Life. We have all of us our Whims and Humours in Relation to Matrimony; sometimes they abound in the Parents, and sometimes in the Children, sometimes in the Husband, sometimes in the Wife; for my Part I do not know who is clear of them. We are now fallen into the Humour of telling Stories under this green Bower, as if we were in a Chimney-corner at _Christmas_, which is a Sort of Impertinence, pardonable in those who have Nothing to do but pass away their Time in Tattle, and Reading of Books; however, it is more commendable than to gossip, as the _London_ Ladies do, over Sack and Walnuts, cool Tankards, and cold Tea, and all the Time rail at their Husbands for being at the Tavern; I will propagate the Humour we are fallen into, by telling you a true Story of a miserly old Humourist.

A certain Country Gentleman of about one-thousand Pounds _per Annum_, having buried his Wife and all his Children, took a Brother's Son into the House, as his Heir, and gave him the best Education that Country would afford; the Boy being a Youth of clean Parts, and good Ingenuity, he improved to an extraordinary Degree in so barren a Soil, and so very dutiful withal, that the old Man perfectly doated on him, and was uneasy when he was out of his Company. When he came to Years of Maturity, was grown ripe, and ready to be shaken into the Matrimonial Bed, the old Gentleman asked him, Whether he was inclined to marry? The young Man, with an unwilling Modesty, told him, what he pleased; he wholly referred that, and every Thing else relating to himself, to his Care, thinking himself always happy and safe under his Conduct. Says the old Cuff, Thou hast been a very dutiful Child to me, and therefore, says he, I am willing to please thee: Shall I look thee out a Wife? The young Man (who without Doubt would have been better pleased to have looked out a Wife for himself) answered, With all his Heart.

The old Gentleman looks out accordingly, and, being well known in the Country, was not long in Pursuit of a Wife for his Nephew, which happened to be a Gentleman's Daughter about ten Miles distant from his own Habitation: The two old People discoursed the Matter, and came to this Resolution, That the two young ones should have an Interview, and see how they liked one another. Home comes the old Man, and acquainted his Nephew that he had pitched upon a Wife for him, one of Mr. ----'s Daughters, who were all of them virtuous young Women, and every Way suitable to his Quality and Circumstances; although their Portions were but small, their Father having met with many Misfortunes, yet the Virtues inherent in them rendered them equal to himself. The young Man returned him Abundance of Thanks, and did not, in the least, question the Prudence of his Choice.

Now was the young Man to have an Interview with Mrs. _Bride_ elect, and his Uncle retired into Consultation with himself, how to equip his Nephew for that Enterprise; at first, he determined to send to _London_ to have him a new Suit of Cloaths made, that he might appear like a Courtier; but, upon second Thoughts, and to save his Money, he told him, he could better provide for him at Home; for, says he, you are just of my Size, and I have above Stairs, in the Press, all my Wedding-cloaths, which were the best I could lay my Hands on, both for the Fineness of the Cloth, and the Silk Lining: I am sure they are so good, that I never wore them above four or five Times in all my Life, and they are never the worse for Wearing: I will assure thee, if I had not a great Respect for thee, thou shouldest never have them: What sayest thou, Child, wilt thou try them on? With all my Heart, replied the young Spark; up goes the old Man and brings them down, he puts them on, and they fitted exactly. The Coat-sleeves were gloriously cut and slashed, small Buttons on the Coat, a little bigger than Pease; the Pockets about a Handful below the Knees, the Breeches were open-kneed, a great Deal wider than a _Flanderkin_'s Trousers, hung all around with Abundance of little Ribbons; the old Gentleman asked him how he liked them? Very well, Sir, replies the Spark. Now, says the old Man, for a Hat; I have a special Beaver I bought along with these Cloaths, which he also produced; it had a Crown as high, and in Form of a Sugar-loaf, with Brims as broad as a Tea-table; the young Gentleman thanked him heartily for it also. Now, says the old Cuff, there is Nothing wanting but a Pair of Boots, which I have by me, and which being brought, the young Spark tried them on, and they fitted exactly; they were of a Russet Colour with white Tops: Pray, says the old Man, take great Care of these Boots, it is wet Weather and may spoil them, therefore I would advise thee to twist some Hay-bands about them for their Security, and, when you come near the House, pull them off, and then they will be neat and clean as they were at my Wedding: But one Thing I had almost forgot, Hast thou got any Money? Not one Penny, replied the Spark; Well thought on, says his Uncle, Courtship is chargeable, here is Half a Crown, pray make good Use of it. The young Gentleman, thus equipped, looked like one of Queen _Elisabeth_'s Courtiers come from the Dead, or, like Snow on the Grass and Trees about _Midsummer_; but what would one not undergo for a good Wife or Husband?

The young Man gets up early the next Morning, and having resumed his former Accoutrements, and mounting on the Outside of his Uncle's best Palfrey, away he trots in Pursuit of his Lady; you may be sure the People gazed, and the Dogs barked sufficiently on the Road at this human Scarecrow on Horseback; but the Worst of it was, as he came within Bow-shot of his Mistress's Tabernacle, the young Lady was looking out at the Window, and espying such a Figure, she called her other two Sisters, and told them that Merry _Andrew_ was coming, which put them into a great Fit of Laughter, till, approaching nearer, one of them cries out, It is Mr. ----'s Nephew, and, knowing his Business, they sent a Man to take his Horse, and their Father and Mother received him very genteelly at the Door, and ushered him into the House.

But, as if Fate had ordained that the poor Spark should be exposed in his antiquated Habiliments, it so happened that Day there was an Invitation of Gentlemen and Ladies to Dinner at the House; when Dinner was ready and set on the Table, the young Spark was conducted from another Room to the rest of the Guests; no sooner had he set his Foot on the Threshold, but the Eyes of the whole Company were upon him; one sneared, another tittered, a third laughed outright, no Body knowing the Meaning of this odd Dress; so that indeed he was the Scaramouch of the Company, but by that Time they had feasted their Eyes on him, and filled their Stomachs with the Victuals, they found the Spark was very modest and ingenious, and that his good Humour and Eloquence was more agreeable to their Ears and Minds, than his Habit to their Eyes; and, by his Ogling one of the Ladies more than the rest, they guessed at his Design; and being unwilling to cramp Love in its Embryo, after Dinner they all withdrew, and left that Lady and the Spark together.

The Spark immediately takes the Opportunity to apologise for his Garb, and told her how necessary it was for him to please his Uncle's Humour in the Thing, which, though it made him ridiculous to the Company, he hoped would not lessen her Esteem of his Person: The young Lady (who knew she was to marry the Man, and not the Cloaths) told him, it was not the Garb she looked at, but she had more Respect to his other Accomplishments; and at this Rate they went on in Discourse of Love and Matrimony for about two Hours.

The Lady then thinking it uncivil any longer to withdraw herself, or detain the Gentleman from the rest of the Company, she desired him to go into the next Apartment, and take a Game at Cards with the young Ladies; the Spark, knowing the Weakness of his Pocket, desired heartily to be excused, but, being pressed by one he could in no wise refuse, he was at last forced to give her the grand Argument, by making known to her his _Job_'s Condition; she, understanding the Humour of his Uncle, guessed the Money might as well be wanting as new Cloaths, and she desired his Patience for a Minute or two, whilst she stepped out about a little Business, which she did, and returns presently with a Purse of five Pounds, desiring him to make Use of it. Upon which he waits upon her into the next Room, where he played at Cards with the rest of the Company, sometimes won, sometimes lost, but always pleased the Company to Admiration, so that they all thought his Mistress extremely happy in having so ingenious and good-humoured a Lover, though in an antiquated Dress.

To make short of my Story, he tarried with his Lady a full Fortnight, and in that Time got her Consent, and the Consent of her Parents, and returns Home to his Uncle with this joyful News, which extremely pleased the old Gentleman; but he took Care to tell the old Man, that, according to his own Words, he had found indeed that Courtship was chargeable, for that he had spent Eighteen-pence of the Half-crown he gave him, and, putting his Hand in his Pocket, he gave his Uncle the remaining Shilling. Well, Child, says the Uncle, I commend thy Prudence and Frugality, I find thou art to be trusted with Money and any Thing else, and therefore I will settle Five hundred a Year upon thee in Marriage; and giving him a good Sum of Money to buy him such Wedding-cloaths as he should best like, the Marriage was soon after solemnised to the Satisfaction both of Old and Young; they were a happy Pair, and the old Man, dying some Years after, left them the Remainder of his Estate, which made an Addition to their Happiness.