Part 2
_Sophia._ Nature has made all Things on a Level: Our first Father made no Jointure in Marriage, nor had our first Mother any Portion. _Adam_ was Lord, and _Eve_ was Mistress of the Universe; and we ought to tread in the Steps of our Lady Mother, and bring our Husband no more than what Nature hath given us. Settlements and Portions never came into Custom, till such Time as Murder and Rapine had entered the World, and Dowries were first brought into Fashion by the Posterity of _Cain_. The hellish Miser, which the other Day made so many Scruples about my Portion, Did you not observe the Mark of _Cain_ in his Forehead? The Match-brokers look just like the wandering _Jews_ in _England_, followed by the Curse of God into all Countries where they come.
Now, it is an easy Matter for the Parliament of _England_ to bring Marriages on the same Level, as was designed at first by Nature. I will propose how: Suppose every Gentleman of one-thousand Pounds _per Annum_, was obliged to marry Gentlewomen of such Quality and Portion with ourselves, and, if he would not marry at all, his Estate should become forfeited to the Use of the Publick.
_Politica._ That would be hard, to take away all a Man has in the World, because he will not marry.
_Sophia._ We will then find a Medium: Suppose we build and endow them an Alms-house with their own Money, where every one of them shall have a convenient Apartment, with a Bed, and two Pair of Sheets, one Chair, one Candlestick, a Chamber-pot, and Fire-Place, and some other cheap Necessaries. We will allow them one Coat a Year, with a yellow Badge on the Arm, as the Mark of a Batchelor; and every Ten of them shall have one old Woman to wait upon them: They shall be chiefly fed with Water-gruel, and Barley-broth; and, instead of Meat, they shall eat Potatoes, _Jerusalem_ Artichokes, Turneps, Carrots, and Parsnips; for you know they come into that Hospital, because they do not love Flesh.
_Politica._ Oh! fye Madam, fye upon you! that would use brisk young Gentlemen at such a cruel Rate: This is downright Tyranny.
_Sophia._ I am sorry to see you so tender of those, who are so cruel to our Sex: But here is no Cruelty at all in the Case; consider the Thing rightly, Madam, and you will find it otherwise: We esteem it the highest Charity to provide Alms-houses for the antient superannuated Poor, who are past their Labour; now a Man that is not come to his Labour of Generation, at twenty-five Years of Age, is certainly past it, and we ought to reckon him as superannuated, and grown an old Boy, and not fit to be trusted with what he has, as not knowing the Use and Benefit of Riches.
What I say, in this Respect, is the common Practice of Mankind in Things of another Nature: The Husbandman, if he has got a Tree in his Orchard, that has grown a long Time, and has bore no Fruit, he cuts him down for Fuel, and plants another in his Room: Why may we not do the same by the human Batchelor Trees; especially, since they are grafted on so good Stocks, and are so well watered and pruned? That is a very ill Sort of Seed that will fructify in no Soil. It is the same Thing in Government; a Batchelor is a useless Thing in the State, does but cumber the Ground, and takes up the Room of a generous Plant, which would be of great Advantage to the Commonwealth. I tell you, Madam, according to the Laws of Nature and Reason, a Batchelor is a Minor, and ought to be under the Government of the Parish in which he lives; for, though he be a Housekeeper and for himself, as they call it, yet, having no Family, he cannot be reckoned a good Commonwealth's-Man; and, if he is not a good one, he is a bad one, which ought not to be suffered; nay, he is not a perfect Man till such Time as he is married, for it is the Woman is the Perfection of the Man.
_Politica._ Madam, I know you are endowed with true _English_ Principles, pray consider, whether the Law you mention be not destructive of _Magna Charta_, since, without Cause or Offence, it deprives a Man of his Property, and takes from him the Estate which legally descended to him from his Ancestors.
_Sophia._ Madam, I find you hold me to hard Meat, I must give Reasons for the Passing of my Bill: I argue thus, A Person who has broken, and forfeited his Right to the _Magna Charta_ of Nature, ought to have no Protection by the _Magna Charta_ of _Englishmen_: I prove my Proportion thus, A Batchelor of Age, as such, has broken the Laws of Nature: Increase and Multiply is the Command of Nature, and of the God thereof; now, having broken the Laws of Nature, he ought not to have any Protection from the Laws of _England_, because such, as have Protection by those Laws, do contribute to the Support of those Laws, which an adult Batchelor does not do according to the Constitution of _Magna Charta_: Our Fore-fathers purchased the Liberties of _Magna Charta_, with the Hazard of Life and Limb; they sealed that Writing with the Blood of themselves and their Children, and, after the same Manner those Privileges were procured, must they be supported and maintained; now a Batchelor contributes little or nothing to the Support of our Freedoms; the Money he pays in Taxes is inconsiderable to the Supplies given by others in Children, which are an Addition to the native Strength of the Kingdom: Money is like the soft and easy Showers, which only cool and moisten the Surface of the Earth; Children are like the soaking Rain which goes to the Root, and makes Trees and Vegetables fructify for the Use of Man: Indeed, my Dear, a Batchelor can, in no Sense, be esteemed a good _Englishman_.
From the Reasons aforesaid, I cannot think the Batchelors are injured by my Bill. Acts of Parliament ought not to respect private Interests; they are made for the Good of the Community, for the Advantage of the whole People of _England_, and you shall seldom find any Act passed, but what is to the Detriment of some particular Persons: We thought it no Injustice to prohibit the Importation of _East-India_ Silks, notwithstanding the Detriment thereby accrued to that Company; and perhaps put all the Ladies in Court and City into the Murligrubs. These Things the good Parliament never considered, but passed the Bill in Favour of the Multitude of Weavers in this Kingdom, who get Abundance of Children for the Support of the Nation, and which must have starved, if foreign Commodities had been imported to the Destruction of the Weaving Trade. The Batchelors, that would come under this Statute, are but an inconsiderable Number, compared with the aggregate Sum of the whole Kingdom.
_Politica._ Suppose, Madam, your Reasons should weigh with the House of Commons: There is another Sort of Batchelors, that answer the End of their Creation, and yet are not married; I mean such as multiply their Species on Misses and Concubines, which, in plain _English_, are Whores: Nay, they can content themselves to do it with their female Servants, who serve under them for that Purpose; these will find a Way to creep out, if you do not bind your Act very close.
_Sophia._ That is well thought on, upon my Virginity! It is true, these are a dangerous Sort of Creatures; Concubinage and Whoring are grievous Sins, both in the Sight of God and Man; and the Divine Laws, as also the Laws of _England_, are very strict against such Offenders, and yet you see they do find Holes to creep through and escape Punishment; but the Law I propose will tie them fast: For, do but observe it, Madam, those Laws are best executed, that bring Money into the _Exchequer_; every one would be a Fisherman, if the Fishes came like St. _Peter_'s, with Money in their Mouths: I dare engage, I will sooner get a Warrant to search for prohibited uncustomed Goods, or to seize Brewer's Copper for Non-payment of Excise, than I can prepare a Warrant to search a Bawdy-house: Do but once make it appear, that Godliness is Gain, and I will warrant you a thorough Reformation of Manners. Now my Act does this Thing to a T; I make Men honest and virtuous, and, by doing so, I make the Government rich, and ease the Subjects in the Burden of Taxes. And I dare engage, if ever you see my Bill passed the Royal Assent, you will find it well executed.
_Politica._ That is according to the Honesty and Virtue of the Commissioners and Assessors, appointed for that Purpose; if they are not virtuous and honest, they may lessen your Tax, and cause a Deficiency. This has been the Effect of letting Landed-men assess Landed-men, and Tradesmen assess Stock; when, if a Tradesman had assessed Land, and a Landed-man had assessed Trade, being so very different in Interest, they would have raised the Fund to the Height. Therefore, my dear Sister, be cautious in this Point, take my Advice, I am your _Senior_; let no old Fornicator be an Assessor, Commissioner, or Collector of your Duty; he, that has in his Time loved a Bit of old Hat, will be tender in Punishing the Sin of his Youth; with him exclude all such as were Batchelors before the Passing of the Act; they will suffer, nay, contrive a Deficiency, that the Act may be repealed. In short, let none be concerned in the Assessing or Collecting of this Duty, but such as have many Years lived with their Wives in conjugal Chastity, and by them have a very numerous Issue; these, I will warrant you, will take Care to bring the utmost Penny into the _Exchequer_.--But, pray, how do you design to punish such of this Sort of Batchelors, that will not comply with your Act? I hope you will allow them a separate Maintenance; you will build them an Alms-house also, will you not?
_Sophia._ As the others are used like Fools and superannuated Persons, so we will use these like Madmen. We will build them a convenient Bedlam, wherein every one of them shall be chained about the Middle to a Post, like a Monkey; we will feed them with low Diet, as the others, and once a Month they shall be blooded and shaved. To aggravate their Crime, we will make every one of them a _Tantalus_, by bringing every Day handsome Ladies before them, who shall laugh and jeer at them, and then turn their Backs upon them.
_Politica._ I protest, Madam, you are very cruel: Would you be willing to be served so yourself?
_Sophia._ Yes, Sister, when I refuse Matrimony upon good and equal Terms: Pray, do they not do the same by us? Are not we daily presented with the Sight of Batchelors of good Estates, who come to us under Pretence of lawful Courtship, to prosecute an unlawful Amour? They come to us like Butterflies to Flowers, to spit Maggots on us, and then leave us to be devoured by Infamy and Scandal: There is no Punishment bad enough for these Monsters of Men; I would fain have my Will upon them one Way or other; either by Marrying them all out of hand, or by Punishing them for Living single.
_Politica._ I do indeed think a Levelling of Marriages is the most reasonable Thing in the World; Mankind is on a Level in all Things but this; one Man has Wit and wants Money; another has Money and wants Wit; a third has Strength, and wants both Money and Wit; one is poor and contented with his Condition; another has no Peace of Mind, nor Satisfaction, amidst all his Riches, but is, amongst his Bags of Money, as a Person in _Little Ease_ or _Bridewell_; so that Nature seems to have designed a Level, only we raise Mountains and Hills on Purpose to deface the Works of Nature. But, Sister, here's one Thing yet to be considered, that there are several young Gentlemen born to good Fortunes, who would marry me or you; but they are kept from it by the Advice of their Parents. Now, though I would have such punished as are unmarried with good Estates in their own Possession, yet would I have some Respect to those who would and cannot: There is Mr. ----, he often gives me Visits, he loves my Company, his Eyes talk of Love, which is more than his Tongue durst so much as mention; for he tells me, the Beldam his Mother, and the old Curmudgeon his Father, have made a Resolution, that he shall never marry but with a Woman of five-thousand Pounds Fortune: But, says he, if they die, I'll marry where I please: They may live a long Time, and, if I should stay for him, by that Time, Beauty may have lost its Charm; and some younger _Phillis_, or other, may interpose and get the Prize from me. For Love, Madam, is the most fickle and changeable Thing in the World: My Wit will last as long as my Virtue, and both these are not lessened but improved by Age. But did you ever know a Man that loved a Woman for Virtue and Wit? No, there are other Attractives which make so great a Sound in the World, that they drown the low Voice of Virtue and Wit.
_Sophia._ I would have these old Folks, that hinder their Children from Matrimony, as severely punished as the old Bachelors: The fabulous Punishment of leading Apes in Hell is not enough; I would have them punished even in this Life. I pray God send them some such Distemper as the Pox; which, in this Life, is the Punishment of Adulterers and Whore-mongers; Nay, sometimes they are caught and pay dear enough for their Trifling with the Years of Youth, and not entering the Bounds of Matrimony, till the Time of their Doatage. I will tell you a very pretty and true Story:
A certain Doctor of Divinity of the University, aged about sixty Years, from the Profits of a good Benefice, and other comfortable Church Emoluments, together with a thrifty Life, had acquired an Estate of five-hundred Pounds _per Annum_; but the pious Churchman, being still desirous of a larger Share of the good Things of this Life, thought of Ways and Means of aggrandising his Fortune. No better Way could he think on than Marriage; for, he having lived a Batchelor, and, by his Industry, procured such an Estate, he thought his Spiritual and Temporal Endowments deserved a considerable Fortune. After he had made many Enquiries among his Friends and Acquaintance for a suitable Help-mate, called a Wife, with a sufficient Quantity of Money, he pitched upon a Justice of the Peace's Daughter, about ten Miles distant from his own Habitation. The young Gentlewoman was about sixteen Years of Age, and had ten-thousand Pounds Portion. Her Money made an Atonement for her Want of Years, for the Bags and the Girl were just old enough for the Doctor.
As soon as the Doctor had Intelligence of this young Lady, he pursues the Notion with all the Vehemence imaginable; and hereupon one Day at Dinner he breaks Bulk to his Man _John_, and tells him of his Design of Wedding, and orders him to get his Horse ready the next Morning early, and likewise another for himself, to accompany him Part of the Way, which he accordingly did; and, after _John_ had travelled with him about half Way, he was dismissed by the Doctor, who travelled on by himself till within a Mile of the Justice's House, where seeing an old Hedger in the Way, he asked him, If he knew Esquire---- He told him, Yes, he had Reason so to do, for he had been his Servant above thirty Years; and that he had married his Wife out of the Family, who was also an old Servant of the 'Squire's. Well then, says the Doctor, you must needs know his Daughter, Mrs. _Anne_. Yes, I think I do, says the Hedger, she's a fine young Gentlewoman, and my Master can give her a Power of Money: I will tell you what, Doctor, I understand Trap; I fancy you have a Mind to Mrs. _Anne_. Why, replies the Doctor, What if I have; what then? Why then, says the Hedger, my Master being a hugely rich Man, and my Mistress a young Woman, he may think you both too old, and not rich enough: And therefore, Doctor, if I might advise you, I would first have you see how you like the Girl; it is good to look before you leap. Which Way can I do that, quoth the Doctor? Oh, quoth the old Man, let me alone, I can contrive that well enough. Hereupon the Doctor gives him a Broad-piece, telling him, he found he could do him a Kindness; and that, if he did it, he should never want, for he had five-hundred Pounds a Year, besides Spiritual Preferments. Aye, says the old Man, I have often heard of you. I do not question but we shall bring the Matter about: My Master has a great Respect for the Church. Pray, Sir, go a little farther to my House, and I will give you a Cup of the best, and some good Bread and Cheese, and there we will consider farther of the Matter: I will warrant we will contrive the Business well enough.
With all my Heart, says the Doctor. Away goes the Doctor more freely than to Church, and the Hedger as if he were going to the Wedding. When they were come to the House, and eating the best it afforded; says the Countryman, Master Doctor, if I could get Mistress _Anne_ to my House, Would not that do well? Rarely well, quoth the Doctor, if you can but compass it: But does she ever come hither? Very often, says the old Man, to see her old Servants. But how will you contrive it? says the Doctor. Leave that to me, quoth the Hedger. Away goes the old Fellow, and enters into Discourse with his Wife; says he to her, I am minded to put a Trick upon the Doctor: The good Wife in a Passion replies, You S----, you old Fool, you put a Trick on a great Man of the Church: Hold your Tongue, Goody _Simpleton_, says the old Man; I find the great Doctors bred at the Versity have no more Wit than we Country Folk: Get you gone immediately to the 'Squire's, and take my Daughter _Joan_ along with you, and pray Mrs. _Anne_ to dress her in her best Cloaths, for there is a Gentleman at our House desires to see her in such a Habit. Now you must understand their Daughter _Joan_ was about the same Age and Stature with Mrs. _Anne_, and had a great deal of Beauty, obscured by homely Country Weeds, and she had by Nature a pretty Stock of the Mother, Wit of the Knave her Father; away trudges the old Woman with _Joan_ her Daughter: Her Request was no sooner asked but granted, and _Joan_ was presently turned into a little Angel, by the Help of Mrs. _Anne_'s Accoutrements. The Doctor, you may be sure, waited with much Impatience all this While; sometimes in Hopes, and other times in Despair. But the Hedger, standing with his Face towards the Way, at length espies his Wife and Mrs. _Anne_ (for that must be the Name of _Joan_ at present) coming towards the House; the old Man begs Leave of the Doctor to go and meet Mrs. _Anne_, and conduct her to the House, which he did presently, by running cross a Field; he made abundance of Scrapes and Cringes to Madam _Anne_, with his Hat in his Hand, and then, stepping behind her like a Footman, he followed her Home all the Way, instructing her how to manage herself in this weighty Concern.
When they came to the House the Doctor receives her with abundance of Ceremony; the Countryman also made some rustick Bows and Compliments, and tells her, it was a great Favour in her Ladiship to come in a Visit to her poor old Servants, and humbly intreats the Favour of her to sit down; for, though the Gentleman present was a Stranger to her Ladiship, he was a Person of Quality, a learned and rich Doctor of the Church, who, in Humility, peculiar to the Clergy, had vouchsafed to give so poor a Man as he a Visit. With much Coyness Madam _Anne_ sits down, and, having made a Bow from her Seat to the Doctor, she asked her old Servants, how they did. The Doctor being smitten with the visible Part of Mrs. _Anne_'s Portion, and ruminating on the invisible; the old Man thought it was Time to retire, which he did, by leaving a Scrape or two on the earthen Floor with his Foot.
The Doctor had now what he came for, and to Work he goes; he had forgot _Thomas Aquinas_, _Dunce Scotus_, and other unintelligible cramp Authors. Philosophy signifies nothing in an Amour, and Logick of itself is enough to curdle a Virgin's Milk; therefore the Doctor accosted her with all the soft Expressions he could remember in _Ovid de Arte Amandi_, which, the Learned say, is the only Way to know how to resolve the difficult Questions in _Aristotle_'s Problems; and, the Girl having Heat of Beauty enough at that Age to warm a _Stoick_, by the vehement Attraction thereof the Doctor joined Countenances; but never did a poor young Lady receive Kisses after a more modest and coy Manner; and well might she blush at such an Exercise; for the poor Creature never smelt Man before, and it was the first Time that ever she saw the Doctor.
After the Doctor and Mrs. _Anne_ had been above an Hour together, in steps the old Man; the Girl she modestly retires, as well for Instruction as to give an Account of how Things went; in the mean Time, the old Man asks the Doctor how he liked the Lady, and what Encouragement she gave him? The Doctor, being ravished with the visible and invisible Qualifications of Mrs. _Anne_, expressed abundance of Satisfaction, and how happy a Man he should be if he could obtain his Prize. Says the old Man, At her again, Mr. Doctor, she is a brave good-humoured Lady, and I told her sufficiently what you are: Says the Doctor, Prithee canst not thou get us something good to eat and drink; here's Money, if thou canst. Away goes the old Man, but first got Mrs. _Anne_ into the Room with the Doctor, which was done with many Intreaties, and performed with a wonderful Modesty.
We will leave the Doctor and Mrs. _Anne_ hard at Work on the Anvil of Courtships, whilst the old Woman and her Husband are getting Supper ready, which they were so long about, that it grew late, and Mrs. _Anne_ was just going: The Doctor, you may be sure, intreated her to stay, and the old Man and Woman solicited very hard on the same Account, telling the Lady, that they had nothing worthy of her Acceptance, but the Honour she would do them, now they had a great Doctor of the Church at their House, would be very great. In short, they argued so much, that Mrs. _Anne_ was at length prevailed upon to stay; the old Man whispers the Doctor, that he had kept Supper back on Purpose that he might have the more of the young Lady's Company, and therefore advised him to make the best Use of his Time. Certainly, never any young Lady made her Lover so happy at the first Interview; to Work goes the Doctor, he courts like a Dragon; with an irresistible Fury he lets fly whole Vollies of bombaste Rhetorick at her Head, enough to beat a poor Country Girl's Brains out; no Stone did he leave unturned, but persists in his Courtship, till interrupted by the old Man's Bringing in the Supper, which, we may imagine, could not be less than a couple of Cocks with Bacon, and it is well, if the Fowls did not come out of the Squire's Coop, as well as the Cloaths out of his Daughter's Wardrobe.
Down sits the Doctor, having first placed Mrs. _Anne_ at the upper End of the Table, and, having said a short Grace, he desired the old Couple to sit down, as did also Mrs. _Anne_; but they refused it, saying, They should not be so impudent as to set at Table Chick by Chowle with a great Doctor of the Church, and their Mrs. _Anne_, who agreed with the Doctor to make them both sit down, which at last they did, in Conformity to the Church and their Mistress; and so they all fell heartily to Pecking till they had consumed the whole Provision.