Chapter 1

against the hawker for criminal conversation with your wife. That would have cost you about £100. When you had recovered substantial damages against the hawker, you would have instructed your proctor to sue in the Ecclesiastical Courts for a divorce _à mensa atque thoro_. That would have cost you £200 or £300 more. When you had obtained a divorce _à mensa atque thoro_, you would have had to appear by counsel before the House of Lords for a divorce _à vinculo matrimonii_. The bill might have been opposed in all its stages in both Houses of Parliament; and altogether you would have had to spend about £1000 or £1200. You will probably tell me that you never had a thousand farthings of your own in the world; but, prisoner, that makes no difference. Sitting here as a British judge, it is my duty to tell you that _this is not a country in which there is one law for the rich and another for the poor_."

MCCCXXI.--OPEN CONFESSION.

IN a cause tried in the Court of Queen's Bench, the plaintiff being a widow, and the defendants two medical men who had treated her for _delirium tremens_, and put her under restraint as a lunatic, witnesses were called on the part of the plaintiff to prove that she was not addicted to drinking. The last witness called by Mr. Montagu Chambers, the leading counsel on the part of the plaintiff, was Dr. Tunstal, who closed his evidence by describing a case of _delirium tremens_ treated by him, in which the patient _recovered in a single night_. "It was," said the witness, "a case of gradual drinking, _sipping all day_, from morning till night." These words were scarcely uttered, than Mr. Chambers, turning to the Bench, said, "My lord, _that is my case_."

MCCCXXII.--QUITE PROFESSIONAL.

A COMEDIAN, who had been almost lifted from his feet by the pressure at the funeral of a celebrated tragedian, ultimately reached the church-door. Having recovered his breath, which had been suspended in the effort, he exclaimed, "And so this is the last we shall ever see of him. Poor fellow! he has _drawn a full house_, though, to the end."

MCCCXXIII.--ON DR. LETTSOM.

IF anybody comes to I, I physics, bleeds, and sweats 'em; If after that they like to die, Why, what care I, I Lettsom.

MCCCXXIV.--EQUITABLE LAW.

A RICH man made his will, leaving all he had to a company of fellow-citizens to dispose of, but reserving to his right heir "such a portion as pleased them." The heir having sued the company for his share of the property, the judge inquired whether they wished to carry out the will of the testator, and if so, what provision they proposed making for the heir? "He shall have a tenth part," said they, "and we will retain for ourselves the other nine."--"Take, then," said the judge, "the tenth part to yourselves, and leave the rest to the heir; for by the will he is to have what part '_pleaseth you_.'"

MCCCXXV.--IRISH AND SCOTCH LOYALTY.

WHEN George the Fourth went to Ireland, one of the "pisintry" said to the toll-keeper as the king passed through, "Och, now! an' his majesty never paid the turnpike, an' how's that?"--"O, kings never does; we lets 'em go free," was the answer. "Then there's the dirty money for ye," says Pat; "It shall never be said that the king came here, and found nobody to _pay the turnpike for him_." Tom Moore told this story to Sir Walter Scott, when they were comparing notes as to the two royal visits. "Now, Moore," replied Scott, "there ye have just the advantage of us: there was no want of enthusiasm here; the Scotch folk would have done anything in the world for his majesty, except _pay the turnpike_."

MCCCXXVI.--RUNNING ACCOUNTS.

THE valet of a man of fashion could get no money from him, and therefore told him that he should seek another master, and begged he would pay him the arrears of his wages. The gentleman, who liked his servant, and was desirous of keeping him, said, "True, I am in your debt, but your wages are _running on_."--"That's the very thing," answered the valet; "I am afraid they are _running_ so fast, that I shall never _catch_ them."

MCCCXXVII.--ON BLOOMFIELD, THE POET.

BLOOMFIELD, thy happy-omened name Ensures continuance to thy fame; Both sense and truth this verdict give. While _fields_ shall _bloom_, thy name shall live!

MCCCXXVIII.--SCOTCHMAN AND HIGHWAYMEN.

A SCOTCH pedestrian, attacked by three highwaymen, defended himself with great courage, but was at last overpowered, and his pockets rifled. The robbers expected, from the extraordinary resistance they had experienced, to find a rich booty; but were surprised to discover that the whole treasure which the sturdy Caledonian had been defending at the hazard of his life, was only a crooked sixpence. "The deuse is in him," said one of the rogues: "if he had had _eighteen-pence_ I suppose he would have _killed_ the whole of us."

MCCCXXIX.--IRISH IMPRUDENCE.

IN the year 1797, when democratic notions ran high, the king's coach was attacked as his majesty was going to the House of Peers. A gigantic Hibernian, who was conspicuously loyal in repelling the mob, attracted the attention of the king. Not long after, the Irishman received a message from Mr. Dundas to attend at his office. He went, and met with a gracious reception from the great man, who praised his loyalty and courage, and desired him to point out any way in which he would wish to be advanced, his majesty being desirous to reward him. Pat hesitated a moment, and then smirkingly said, "I'll tell you what, mister, make a _Scotchman_ of me, and, by St. Patrick, there'll be no fear of my gettin' on." The minister, dumfounded for the moment by the _mal-apropos_ hit, replied, "Make a _Scotchman_ of _you_, sir! that's impossible, for I can't give you _prudence_."

MCCCXXX.--THE PIGS AND THE SILVER SPOON.

THE Earl of P---- kept a number of swine at his seat in Wiltshire, and crossing the yard one day he was surprised to see the pigs gathered round one trough, and making a great noise. Curiosity prompted him to see what was the cause, and on looking into the trough he perceived a large silver spoon. A servant-maid came out, and began to abuse the pigs for crying so. "Well they may," said his lordship, "when they have got but one _silver spoon_ among them all."

MCCCXXXI.--A FALSE FACE TRUE.

THAT there is _falsehood_ in his looks I must and will deny; They say their master is a knave: And sure _they do not lie_.

MCCCXXXII.--A CONSIDERATE MAYOR.

A COUNTRY mayor being newly got into office, that he might be seen to do something in it, would persuade his brethren to have a new pair of gallows built; but one of the aldermen said, that they had an old pair which would serve well enough. "Yea," said the mayor, "the old ones shall be to hang strangers on, and the new pair for _us and our heirs_ for ever."

MCCCXXXIII.--THE SAFE SIDE.

DURING the riots of 1780, most persons in London, in order to save their houses from being burnt or pulled down, wrote on their doors, "_No Popery_!" Old Grimaldi, the father of the celebrated "Joey," to avoid all mistakes, wrote on his, "_No Religion_!"

MCCCXXXIV.--VISIBLY LOSING.

IN an election for the borough of Tallagh, Councillor Egan, or "bully Egan," as he was familiarly called, being an unsuccessful candidate, appealed to a Committee of the House of Commons. It was in the heat of a very warm summer, and Egan (who was an immensely stout man) was struggling through the crowd, his handkerchief in one hand, his wig in the other, and his whole countenance raging like the dog-star, when he met Curran. "I'm sorry for you, my dear fellow," said Curran. "Sorry! why so, Jack, why so? I'm perfectly at my ease."--"Alas! Egan, it is but too visible that you're losing _tallow_ (Tallagh) fast!"

MCCCXXXV.--REASON FOR THICK ANKLES.

"HARRY, I cannot think," says Dick, "What makes my ankles grow so thick." "You do not recollect," says Harry, "_How great a calf_ they have to carry."

MCCCXXXVI.--ERASMUS VERSUS LUTHER.

ERASMUS, of whom Cambridge has a right to be not a little proud, was entreated by Lord Mountjoy to attack the _errors_ of Luther. "My lord," answered Erasmus, "nothing is more easy than to say Luther is mistaken, and nothing more difficult than to _prove_ him so."

MCCCXXXVII.--SOMETHING TO BE PROUD OF.

SHERIDAN was once talking to a friend about the Prince Regent, who took great credit to himself for various public measures, as if they had been directed by his political skill, or foreseen by his political sagacity. "_But_," said Sheridan, "_what his Royal Highness more particularly prides himself in, is the late excellent harvest_."

MCCCXXXVIII.--FAIRLY WON.

THE only practical joke in which Richard Harris Barham (better known by his _nom-de-plume_ of Thomas Ingoldsby) ever personally engaged, was enacted when he was a boy at Canterbury. In company with a schoolfellow, D----, now a gallant major, he entered a Quakers' meeting-house; when, looking round at the grave assembly, the latter held up a penny tart, and said solemnly, "Whoever speaks first shall have this pie."--"Go thy way, boy," said a drab-colored gentleman, rising; "go thy way, and----"--"The pie's _yours_, sir!" exclaimed D----, placing it before the astonished speaker, and hastily effecting his escape.

MCCCXXXIX.--A FORTUNATE EXPEDIENT.

A GENTLEMAN of Trinity College, travelling through France, was annoyed at the slowness of the pace, and wishing to urge the postilion to greater speed, tried his bad French until he was out of patience. At last it occurred to him that, if he was not understood, he might at least frighten the fellow by using some high-sounding words, and he roared into the ear of the postilion: "_Westmoreland, Cumberland, Northumberland, Durham_!" which the fellow mistaking for some tremendous threat, had the desired effect, and induced him to increase his speed.

MCCCXL.--ON THE FOUR GEORGES.

GEORGE the First was always reckoned Vile,--but viler, George the Second; And what mortal ever heard Any good of George the Third? When from earth the Fourth descended, God be praised, the Georges ended.

MCCCXLI.--WHAT EVERYBODY DOES.

HOPKINS once lent Simpson, his next door neighbor, an umbrella, and having an urgent call to make on a wet day, knocked at Simpson's door. "I want my umbrella."--"Can't have it," said Simpson. "Why? I want to go to the East End, and it rains in torrents; what am I to do for an umbrella?"--"Do?" answered Simpson, passing through the door, "do as _I_ did, _borrow one_!"

MCCCXLII.--WHAT IS AN ARCHDEACON?

LORD ALTHORP, when Chancellor of the Exchequer, having to propose to the House of Commons a vote of £400 a year for the salary of the Archdeacon of Bengal, was puzzled by a question from Mr. Hume, "What are the duties of an archdeacon?" So he sent one of the subordinate occupants of the Treasury Bench to the other House to obtain an answer to the question from one of the bishops. To Dr. Blomfield accordingly the messenger went, and repeated the question, "What is an archdeacon?"--"An archdeacon," replied the bishop, in his quick way, "an archdeacon is an ecclesiastical officer, who performs archidiaconal functions"; and with this reply Lord Althorp and the House were perfectly satisfied. It ought to be added, however, that when the story was repeated to the bishop himself, he said that he had no recollection of having made any such answer; but that if he had, it must have been suggested to him by a saying of old John White, a dentist, whom he had known in early days, who used to recommend the use of lavender-water to his patients, and when pressed for a reason for his recommendation, replied, "On account of its _lavendric_ properties."

MCCCXLIII.--"ON MR. PITT'S BEING PELTED BY THE MOB, ON LORD MAYOR'S DAY, 1787."

THE City-feast inverted here we find, For Pitt had his _dessert_ before he dined.

MCCCXLIV.--LATIMER.

THE pious and learned martyr, and Bishop of Worcester, who was educated at Christ College, Cambridge, and was one of the first reformers of the Church of England, at a controversial conference, being out-talked by younger divines, and out-argued by those who were more studied in the _fathers_, said, "I cannot talk for my _religion_, but I am ready to die for it."

MCCCXLV.--EXCUSE FOR COWARDICE.

A BRAGGART ran away from battle, and gave as a reason, that a friend had written his epitaph, which had an excellent point in it, provided he attained the age of _one hundred_.

MCCCXLVI.--A NEW IDEA.

ONE of Mrs. Montague's blue-stocking ladies fastened upon Foote, at one of the routs in Portman Square, with her views of Locke "On the Understanding," which she protested she admired above all things; only there was one particular word, very often repeated, which she could not distinctly make out, and that was the word (pronouncing it very long) _ide-a_. "But I suppose," said she, "it comes from a Greek derivation."--"You are perfectly right, madam," said Foote; "it comes from the word _ideaowski_."--"And pray, sir, what does that mean?"--"It is the _feminine_ of idiot, madam!"

MCCCXLVII--THE POOR CURATE.

FOR the Rector in vain through the parish you'll search, But the Curate you'll find _living hard_ by the church.

MCCCXLVIII.--NEIGHBORLY POLITENESS.

SIR GODFREY KNELLER and Dr. Ratcliffe lived next door to each other, and were extremely intimate. Kneller had a very fine garden, and as the doctor was fond of flowers, he permitted him to have a door into it. Ratcliffe's servants gathering and destroying the flowers, Kneller sent to inform him that he would nail up the door; to which Ratcliffe, in his rough manner, replied, "Tell him, he may do anything but _paint_ it."--"Well," replied Kneller, "he may say what he will, for tell him, I will _take anything from him, except physic_."

MCCCXLIX.--A HEAVY WEIGHT.

MR. DOUGLAS, son of the Bishop of Salisbury, was six feet two inches in height, and of enormous bulk. The little boys of Oxford always gathered about him when he went into the streets, to look up at his towering bulk. "Get out of my way, you little scamps," he used to cry, "_or I will roll upon you_." It was upon this gentleman that Canning composed the following epigram:--

That the stones of our chapel are both black and white, Is most undeniably true; But, as Douglas walks o'er them both morning and night, It's a wonder they're not _black and blue_.

MCCCL.--A SYLLABIC DIFFERENCE.

GIBBON, the historian, was one day attending the trial of Warren Hastings in Westminster Hall, and Sheridan, having perceived him there, took occasion to mention "the luminous author of _The Decline and Fall_." After he had finished, one of his friends reproached him with flattering Gibbon. "Why, what did I say of him?" asked Sheridan. "You called him the luminous author."--"Luminous! Oh, I meant _vo_luminous!"

MCCCLI.--"SINKING" THE WELL.

THEODORE HOOK once observed a party of laborers sinking a well. "What are you about?" he inquired. "Boring for water, sir," was the answer. "Water's a bore at any time," responded Hook; "besides, you're quite wrong; remember the old proverb,--'Let _well_ alone.'"

MCCCLII.--ON A GENTLEMAN NAMED HEDDY.

IN reading his name it may truly be said, You will make that man _dy_ if you cut off his _Hed_.

MCCCLIII.--THE WAY TO KEW.

HOOK, in the supposed character of Gower-street undergraduate, says: "One problem was given me to work which I did in a twinkling. Given _C A B_ to find _Q_. _Answer_: Take your _C A B_ through Hammersmith, turn to the left just before you come to Brentford, and Kew is right before you."

MCCCLIV.--ABOVE PROOF.

AN East-India Governor having died abroad, his body was put in arrack, to preserve it for interment, in England. A sailor on board the ship being frequently drunk, the captain forbade the purser, and indeed all in the ship, to let him have any liquor. Shortly after the fellow appeared very drunk. How he obtained the liquor, no one could guess. The captain resolved to find out, promising to forgive him if he would tell from whom he got the liquor. After some hesitation, he hiccupped out, "Why, please your honor, I _tapped the Governor_."

MCCCLV.--AWKWARD ORTHOGRAPHY.

MATHEWS once went to Wakefield, then, from commercial failures, in a dreadful state. In vain did he announce his inimitable "Youthful Days"; the Yorkshiremen came not. When he progressed to Edinburgh, a friend asked him if he made much money in Wakefield. "Not a shilling!" was the reply. "Not a shilling!" reiterated his astonished acquaintance. "Why, didn't you go there _to star_?"--"Yes," replied Mathews, with mirthful mournfulness; "but they spell it with a _ve_ in Wakefield."

MCCCLVI.--MISS WILBERFORCE.

WHEN Mr. Wilberforce was a candidate for Hull, his sister, an amiable and witty young lady, offered the compliment of a new gown to each of the wives of those freemen who voted for her brother, on which she was saluted with a cry of "Miss Wilberforce _for ever_!" when she pleasantly observed, "I thank you, gentlemen, but I can not agree with you; for really, I do not wish to be _Miss Wilberforce for ever_!"

MCCCLVII.--WRITTEN ON THE UNION, 1801, BY A BARRISTER OF DUBLIN.

WHY should we explain, that the times are so bad, Pursuing a querulous strain? When Erin gives up all the rights that she had, What _right has she left to complain_?

MCCCLVIII.--A COOL PROPOSITION.

AT the breaking up of a fashionable party at the west end of town, one of the company said he was about to "drop in" at Lady Blessington's; whereupon a young gentleman, a perfect stranger to the speaker, very modestly said, "O then, you can take me with you; I want very much to know her, and you can introduce me." While the other was standing aghast at the impudence of the proposal, and muttering something about being but a slight acquaintance himself, etc., Sydney Smith observed, "Pray oblige our young friend; you can do it easily enough by introducing him in a capacity very desirable at this close season of the year,--say you are bringing with you the _cool of the evening_."

MCCCLIX.--A PROPER NAME.

WHEN Messrs. Abbot and Egerton took the old Coburg Theatre for the purpose of bringing forward the legitimate drama, the former gentleman asked Hook if he could suggest a new name, the old being too much identified with blue fire and broadswords to suit the proposed change of performance. "Why," said Hook, "as you will of course butcher everything you attempt, suppose you call it _Abbatoir_."

MCCCLX.--THE GRANDSON.

HORACE WALPOLE, on one occasion observed that there had existed the same indecision, irresolution, and want of system in the politics of Queen Anne, as at the time he spoke, under the reign of George the Third. "But," added he, "there is nothing new under the _sun_!"--"No," said George Selwyn, "nor under the _grand-son_!"

MCCCLXI.--AN UNANSWERABLE ARGUMENT.

A WELL-FED rector was advising a poor starving laborer to trust to Providence, and be satisfied with his _lot_. "Ah!" replied the needy man, "I should be satisfied with his _lot_ if I had it, but I can't get even a _little_."

MCCCLXII.--TO LADY, MOUNT E----, ON THE DEATH OF A FAVORITE PIG.

O DRY that tear so round and big, Nor waste in sighs your precious wind; Death only takes _a single pig_-- Your _lord and son_ are still behind.

MCCCLXIII.--NATURAL.

MRS. SMITH, hearing strange sounds, inquired of her new servant if she snored in her sleep. "I don't know, marm," replied Becky, quite innocently; "I never _lay awake_ long enough to diskiver."

MCCCLXIV.--BROTHERLY LOVE.

AN affectionate Irishman once enlisted in the 75th Regiment, in order to be near his brother, who was a corporal _in the 76th_.

MCCCLXV.--A DISTRESSFUL DENOUEMENT.

MR. MOORE having been long under a prosecution in Doctors' Commons, his proctor called on him one day whilst he was composing the tragedy of _The Gamester_. The proctor having sat down, he read him four acts of the piece, being all he had written; by which the man of law was so affected, that he exclaimed, "Good! good! can you add to this couple's distress in the last act?"--"O, very easily," said the poet, "I intend to _put them into the Ecclesiastical Court_."

MCCCLXVI.--CONSERVATIVE LOGIC.

"TAXES are equal is a dogma which I'll prove at once," exclaimed a Tory boor; "Taxation _hardly presses_ on the rich, And likewise _presses hardly_ on the poor."

MCCCLXVII.--THE BEST WINE.

SHERIDAN being asked what wine he liked best, replied, "The wine of _other people_."

MCCCLXVIII.--A VALUABLE BEAVER.

A GRAND entertainment taking place at Belvoir Castle, on the occasion of the coming of age of the Marquis of Granby, the company were going out to see the fireworks, when Theodore Hook came in great tribulation to the Duke of Rutland, who was standing near Sir Robert Peel, and said: "Now isn't this provoking? I've lost my hat. What can I do?"--"Why did you part with your hat? I never do," said his Grace. "Ay!" rejoined Theodore, "but you have especial good reasons for sticking to _your Beaver_" (Belvoir).

MCCCLXIX.--SOMETHING TO POCKET.

A DIMINUTIVE lawyer appearing as witness in one of the Courts, was asked by a gigantic counsellor what profession he was of; and having replied that he was an attorney,--"You a lawyer!" said Brief; "why I could put you in my pocket."--"Very likely you may," rejoined the other; "and if you do, you will have more law in your _pocket_ than ever you had in your _head_."

MCCCLXX.--UP AND DOWN.

AT the Irish bar, Moran Mahaffy, Esq., was as much above the middle size as Mr. Collis was below it. When Lord Redesdale was Lord Chancellor of Ireland, Messrs. Mahaffy and Collis happened to be retained in the same case a short time after his lordship's elevation, and before he was acquainted personally with the Irish bar. Mr. Collis was opening the motion, when Lord R. observed, "Mr. Collis, when a barrister addresses the court, he must stand."--"I am standing on the bench, my lord," said Collis. "I beg a thousand pardons," replied his lordship, somewhat confused; "sit down, Mr. Mahaffy."--"I _am sitting_, my lord," was the reply to the confounded Chancellor.

MCCCLXXI.--A POOR SUBSTITUTE.

THE Rev. Mr. Johnston was one of those rough but quaint preachers of the former generation who were fond of visiting and good living. While seated at the table of a good lady in a neighboring parish, she asked him if he took milk in his tea. "Yes, ma'am _when I can't get cream_," was the ready reply.

MCCCLXXII.--OUT OF SPIRITS.

"IS my wife out of spirits?" said John with a sigh, As her voice of a tempest gave warning. "Quite out, sir, indeed," said her maid in reply, "For she _finished_ the bottle this morning."

MCCCLXXIII.--GOOD AT THE HALT.

PETER MACNALLY, an Irish attorney, was very lame, and, when walking, had an unfortunate limp, which he could not bear to be told of. At the time of the Rebellion he was seized with a military ardor, and when the different volunteer corps were forming in Dublin, that of the lawyers was organized. Meeting with Curran, Macnally said, "My dear friend, these are not times for a man to be idle; I am determined to enter the lawyers' corps, and follow the camp."--"You follow the camp, my little limb of the law!" said the wit; "tut, tut, renounce the idea; you never can be a disciplinarian."--"And why not, Mr. Curran?" said Macnally. "For this reason," said Curran; "the moment you were ordered to march, you would _halt_!"

MCCCLXXIV.--AN EASY WAY.

A PERSON deeply in debt, was walking through the streets in a melancholy way, when a friend asked him the cause of his sadness. "I owe money and cannot pay it," said the man, in a tone of extreme dejection. "Can't you leave all the _uneasiness_ to your creditors?" replied the other. "Is it not enough that one should be sorry for what _neither of you can help_?"

MCCCLXXV.--ERUDITE.

A LADY had a favorite lapdog, which she called _Perchance_. "A singular name," said somebody, "for a beautiful pet, madam. Where did you find it?"--"O," drawled she, "it was named from Byron's dog. You remember where he says, '_Perchance_ my dog will howl.'"

MCCCLXXVI.--VERY EASY.

ON the approach of Holy Week, a great lady said to her friend, "We must, however, mortify ourselves _a little_."--"Well," replied the other, "let us make our _servants fast_."

MCCCLXXVII.--A WINNER AT CARDS.

A GENTLEMAN riding one day near Richmond, observed a house delightfully situated, and asking his companion to whom it belonged, was answered, "To a _card-maker_."--"Upon my life," he replied, "one would imagine all that man's _cards_ must have been _trumps_."

MCCCLXXVIII.--EPIGRAM.

THE charity of Closefist give to fame, He has at last _subscribed_--how much?--_his name_.

MCCCLXXIX.--AN INCONVENIENT BREAK DOWN.

THE play of "King Lear" being performed at Reading, the representative of _Glo'ster_ was, on one occasion, taken ill, and another actor was found to take the part at a short notice. He got on famously as far as the scene where _Glo'ster had his eyes put out_, when he came to a stand still, and was obliged to beg permission to _read_ the rest of the part.

MCCCLXXX.--SMALL TALK.

FUSELI had a great dislike to common-place observations. After sitting perfectly quiet for a long time in his own room, during the "bald disjointed chat" of some idle visitors, who were gabbling with one another about the weather, and other topics of as interesting a nature, he suddenly exclaimed, "_We had pork for dinner to-day_."--"Dear me! Mr. Fuseli, what an odd remark."--"Why, it is _as good_ as anything you have been saying for _the last hour_."

MCCCLXXXI.--RATHER FEROCIOUS.

AS Burke was declaiming with great animation against Hastings, he was interrupted by little Major Scott. "Am I," said he, indignantly, "to be teased by the barking of this _jackal_ while I am attacking the royal _tiger_ of Bengal?"

MCCCLXXXII.--ONLY FOR LIFE.

A SPANISH Archbishop having a dispute with an opulent duke, who said with scorn, "What are you? your title and revenues are only for your life," answered by asking, "And for how _many lives_ does your Grace hold yours?"

MCCCLXXXIII.--AN OUTLINE.

WHEN the Duke de Choiseul, who was a remarkably meagre-looking man, came to London to negotiate a peace, Charles Townshend, being asked whether the French government had sent the preliminaries of a treaty, answered, he did not know, but they had sent "the _outline of an ambassador_."

MCCCLXXXIV.--ON SIR WALTER SCOTT'S POEM OF WATERLOO.

ON Waterloo's ensanguined plain, Full many a gallant man lies slain; But none, by bullet or by shot, Fell half so flat as Walter Scott.

MCCCLXXXV.--UGLY TRADES.

THE ugliest of trades have their moments of pleasure. Now, if I were a grave-digger, or even a hangman, there are some people I could work for with a great deal of enjoyment.--D.J.

MCCCLXXXVI.--A GOOD CHARACTER.

AN Irish gentleman parting with a lazy servant-woman, was asked, with respect to her industry, whether she was what is termed _afraid_ of work. "O, not at all," said he; "not at all; she'll frequently _lie down_ and fall asleep by the very _side of it_."

MCCCLXXXVII.--SENSIBILITY.

A KEEN sportsman, who kept harriers, was so vexed when any noise was made while the hounds were at fault, that he rode up to a gentleman who accidentally coughed at such a time, and said, "I wish, with all my heart, sir, your _cough_ was better."

MCCCLXXXVIII.--PATIENCE.

WHEN Lord Chesterfield was one day at Newcastle House, the Duke happening to be very particularly engaged, the Earl was requested to sit down in an ante-room. "Garnet upon Job," a book dedicated to the Duke, happened to lie in the window; and his Grace, on entering, found the Earl so busily engaged in reading, that he asked how he liked the commentary. "In any other place," replied Chesterfield, "I should not think much of it; but there is so much _propriety_ in putting a volume upon _patience_ in the room where every visitor has to wait for your Grace, that _here_ it must be considered as one of the _best books in the world_."

MCCCLXXXIX.--WHAT'S MY THOUGHT LIKE?

_Quest._ WHY is a pump like Viscount Castlereagh?

_Ans._ Because it is a slender thing of wood, That up and down its awkward arm doth sway, And coolly shout, and spout, and spout away, In one weak, washy, everlasting flood!

MCCCXC.--NOT GIVING HIMSELF "AIRS."

ARCHDEACON PALEY was in very high spirits when he was presented to his first preferment in the Church. He attended at a visitation dinner just after this event, and during the entertainment called out jocosely, "Waiter, shut down that window at the back of my chair, and open another behind some _curate_."

MCCCXCI.--A BARBER SHAVED BY A LAWYER.

"SIR," said a barber to an attorney who was passing his door, "will you tell me if this is a good half-sovereign?" The lawyer, pronouncing the piece good, deposited it in his pocket, adding, with gravity, "If you'll send your lad to my office, I'll return the _three and four-pence_."

MCCCXCII.--A MAN OF METAL.

EDWIN JAMES, examining a witness, asked him what his business was. He answered, "A dealer in old iron."--"Then," said the counsel, "you must of course be a thief."--"I don't see," replied the witness, "why a dealer in _iron_ must necessarily be a thief, more than a dealer in _brass_."

MCCCXCIII.--SPECIMEN OF THE LACONIC.

"BE less prolix," says Grill. I like advice. "Grill, you're an ass!" Now, surely, that's concise.

MCCCXCIV.--A DROP.

DEAN SWIFT was one day in company, when the conversation fell upon the antiquity of the family. The lady of the house expatiated a little too freely on her descent, observing that her ancestors' names began with De, and, of course, of antique French extraction. When she had finished; "And now," said the Dean, "will you be so kind as to help me to a piece of that _D--umpling_?"

MCCCXCV.--ERROR IN JUDGMENT.

AN author once praised another writer very heartily to a third person. "It is very strange," was the reply, "that you speak so well of him, for he says that you are a charlatan."--"O," replied the other, "I think it very likely that _both of us_ may be mistaken."

MCCCXCVI.--THE SUPERIORITY OF MACHINERY.

A MECHANIC his labor will often discard, If the rate of his pay he dislikes: But a clock--and its case is uncommonly hard-- Will continue to work though it _strikes_!

MCCCXCVII.--THE MONEY-BORROWER DECEIVED.

A YOUTH had borrowed a hundred pounds of a very rich friend, who had concluded that he should never see them again. He was mistaken, for the youth returned him the money. Some time after, the youth came again to borrow, but was refused. "No, sir," said his friend, "you shall not _deceive_ me twice."

MCCCXCVIII.--A SPEAKING CANVAS.

SOME of the friends of a famous painter, observed to him, that they never heard him bestow any praises but on his worst paintings. "True," answered he; "for the best will always _praise_ themselves."

MCCCXCIX.--INDUSTRY OF THE ENGLISH PEOPLE.

SYDNEY SMITH, writing in the _Edinburgh Review_, says, "If the English were in a paradise of spontaneous productions, they would continue to _dig_ and _plough_, though they were never a peach or a pine-apple the _better for it_."

MCD.--OCULAR.

TAYLOR says, "My best pun was that which I made to Sheridan, who married a Miss Ogle." We were supping together at the Shakespeare, when, the conversation turning on Garrick, I asked him which of his performances he thought the best. "O," said he, "the Lear, the Lear."--"No wonder," said I, "you were fond of a _Leer_ when you married an _Ogle_."

MCDI.--ON THE DISAPPOINTMENT OF THE WHIG ASSOCIATES OF THE PRINCE REGENT AT NOT OBTAINING OFFICE.

YE politicians, tell me, pray, Why thus with woe and care rent? This is the worst that you can say, Some wind has blown the wig away, And left the _Hair Apparent_.

MCDII.--AN APT REPROOF.

MR. WESLEY, during his voyage to America, hearing an unusual noise in the cabin of General Oglethorpe (the Governor of Georgia, with whom he sailed), stepped in to inquire the cause of it, on which the General immediately addressed him: "Mr. Wesley, you must excuse me. I have met with a provocation too great for man to bear. You know the only wine I drink is Cyprus wine, as it agrees with me the best of any; and this villain Grimaldi (his foreign servant) has drunk up the whole I had on board. But I will be revenged of him. I have ordered him to be tied hand and foot, and to be carried to the man-of-war that sails with us. The rascal should have taken care how he used me, for _I never forgive_."--"Then I hope, sir," said John Wesley, looking calmly at him, "_you never sin_." The General was quite confounded at the reproof, and putting his hand into his pocket took out a bunch of keys, which he threw at Grimaldi, saying, "There, villain! Take my keys, and behave better for the future."

MCDIII.--THE LAME BEGGAR.

"I AM unable," yonder beggar cries, "To _stand or move_." If he says true, he _lies_.

MCDIV.--HOLLAND'S FUNERAL.

HOLLAND, who was a great favorite with Foote, died. While the funeral ceremony was performing, G. Garrick remarked to Foote: "You see what a snug family vault we have made here."--"_Family vault_!" said Foote, with tears trickling down his cheeks, "I thought it had been a family _oven_."

MCDV.--PRETTY.

HOPE is the dream of those who are awake.

MCDVI.--NOT IMPROBABLE.

A CERTAIN young clergyman, modest almost to bashfulness, was once asked by a country apothecary, of a contrary character, in a public and crowded assembly, and in a tone of voice sufficient to catch the attention of the whole company, "How it happened that the patriarchs lived to such extreme old age?" To which question the clergyman replied, "_Perhaps they took no physic_."

MCDVII.--SOUGHT AND FOUND.

THREE conceited young wits, as they thought themselves, passing along the road near Oxford, met a grave old gentleman, with whom they had a mind to be rudely merry. "Good-morrow, father Abraham," said one; "Good-morrow, father Isaac," said the next; "Good-morrow, father Jacob," cried the last. "I am neither Abraham, Isaac, nor Jacob," replied the old gentleman, "but Saul, the son of Kish, who went out to seek his father's _asses_, and lo! here I have found them."

MCDVIII.--NO REDEEMING VIRTUE.

"PRAY, does it always rain in this hanged place, Enough to drive one mad, heaven knows?" "No, please your grace," Cried Boniface, With some grimace, "_Sometimes it snows_."

MCDIX.--A REMARKABLE ECHO.

A CERTAIN Chief Justice, on hearing an ass bray, interrupted the late Mr. Curran, in his speech to the jury, by saying, "One at a time, Mr. Curran, if you please." The speech being finished, the judge began his charge, and during its progress the ass sent forth the full force of its lungs; whereupon the advocate said, "Does not your lordship hear a remarkable _echo in the court_?"

MCDX.--A DUTIFUL DAUGHTER.

THE father of Mrs. Siddons had always forbidden her to marry an actor, and of course she chose a member of the old gentleman's company, whom she secretly wedded. When Roger Kemble heard of it he was furious. "Have I not," he exclaimed, "dared you to marry a player?" The lady replied, with downcast eyes, that she had not disobeyed. "What, madam! have you not allied yourself to about the worst performer in my company?"--"Exactly so," murmured the timid bride; "nobody can call _him_ an actor."

MCDXI.--A PERTINENT QUESTION.

FRANKLIN was once asked, "What is the use of your discovery of atmospheric electricity?" The philosopher answered the question by another, "What is the _use_ of a new-born infant?"

MCDXII.--A SOPORIFIC.

A PROSY orator reproved Lord North for going to sleep during one of his speeches. "Pooh, pooh!" said the drowsy Premier; "the physician should never quarrel with _the effect_ of his own medicine."

MCDXIII.--THE AMENDE HONORABLE.

QUOTH Will, "On that young servant-maid My heart its life-string stakes." "Quite safe!" cries Dick, "don't be afraid, She pays for _all she breaks_."

MCDXIV.--ALLEGORICAL REPRESENTATION.

A PAINTER, who was well acquainted with the dire effects of law, had to represent two men,--one who had gained a law-suit, and another who had lost one. He painted the former with a _shirt on_, and the latter _naked_.

MCDXV.--MILITARY ELOQUENCE.

AN officer who commanded a regiment very ill-clothed, seeing a party of the enemy advancing, who appeared newly equipped, he said to his soldiers, in order to rally them on to glory, "There, my brave fellows, go and _clothe_ yourselves."

MCDXVI.--CUTTING OFF THE SUPPLIES.

THE late Duke of York is reported to have once consulted Abernethy. During the time his highness was in the room, the doctor stood before him with his hands in his pockets, waiting to be addressed, and whistling with great coolness. The Duke, naturally astonished at his conduct, said, "I suppose you know who I am?"--"Suppose I do; what of that? If your Highness of York wishes to be well, let me tell you," added the surgeon, "you must do as the Duke of Wellington often did in his campaigns, _cut off the supplies_, and the enemy will quickly leave the citadel."

MCDXVII.--EPIGRAM.

THE proverb says, and no one e'er disputes, "Nature the shoulder to the burden suits"; Then nature gave to Saucemore with his head, Shoulders to carry half a ton of lead.

MCDXVIII.--A FOWL JOKE.

A CITY policeman before Judge Maule said he was in the _hens_ (_N_) division. "Do you mean in the _Poultry_?" asked the Judge.

MCDXIX.--AN EXPENSIVE TRIP.

IRISH Johnstone, the comedian, was known to be rather parsimonious. On one of his professional visits to Dublin, he billeted himself (as was his wont) upon all his acquaintances in town. Meeting Curran afterwards in London, and talking of his _great expenses_, he asked the ex-Master of the Rolls what he supposed he spent in the Irish capital during his last trip. "I don't know," replied Curran; "but probably a _fortnight_."

MCDXX.--OLD FRIENDS.

COLEMAN, the dramatist, was asked if he knew Theodore Hook. "Yes," replied the wit; "_Hook_ and _eye_ are old associates."

MCDXXI.--A REASON.

"I WISH you at the devil!" said somebody to Wilkes. "I don't wish you there," was the answer. "Why?"--"Because I never wish _to see you again_!"

MCDXXII.--HONOR.

DURING a siege the officer in command proposed to the grenadiers a large sum of money as a reward to him who should first drive a fascine into a ditch which was exposed to the enemy's fire. None of the grenadiers offered. The general, astonished, began to reproach them for it. "_We should have all offered_," said one of these brave soldiers, "if money _had not been set as the price of this action_."

MCDXXIII.--JUST AS WONDERFUL.

A GENTLEMAN asked a friend, in a very knowing manner, "Pray, did you ever see a _cat-fish_?"--"No," was the response, "but I've seen a _rope-walk_."

MCDXXIV.--CHARITY BEGINS AT HOME.

"WELL, neighbor, what's the news this morning?" said a gentleman to a friend. "I have just bought a sack of flour for a poor woman."--"Just like you! Whom have you made so happy by your charity this time?"--"_My wife_."

MCDXXV.--QUESTION ANSWERED.

THAT idiot W---- coming out of the Opera one night, called out, "Where is my fellow?"--"_Not in England_, I'll swear," said a bystander.

MCDXXVI.--VERY LIKELY.

AN officer of the navy being asked what Burke meant by the "_Cheap_ defence of nations," replied, "A midshipman's _half-pay_,--nothing a-day and find yourself."

MCDXXVII.--INQUEST EXTRAORDINARY.

DIED suddenly,--surprised at such a rarity! Verdict,--Saw Eldon do a little bit of charity.

MCDXXVIII.--A GRUNT.

"DOCTOR, when we have sat together some time, you'll find my brother very entertaining."--"Sir," said Johnson, "_I can wait_."

MCDXXIX.--ONE FAULT.

"SHE is insupportable," said a wit with marked emphasis, of one well known; but, as if he had gone too far, he added, "It is her _only_ defect."

MCDXXX.--TO THE "COMING" MAN.

SMART waiter, be contented with thy state, The world is his who best knows how to wait.

MCDXXXI.--NOTHING TO BOAST OF.

"THE British empire, sir," exclaimed an orator, "is one on which the sun never sets."--"And one," replied an auditor, "in which the _tax-gatherer_ never goes to bed."

MCDXXXII.--COLONIAL BREWERIES.

WHAT two ideas are more inseparable than Beer and Britannia? what event more awfully important to an English colony, than the erection of its _first brewhouse?_--S.S.

MCDXXXIII.--A CLOSER.

SOME person caused the following inscription to be placed over the door of a house, "Let _nothing_ enter here but what is _good_."--"Then where will _the master_ go in?" asked a cynic.

MCDXXXIV.--THE FOOL OR KNAVE.

THY praise or dispraise is to me alike; One doth not _stroke_ me, nor the other _strike_.

MCDXXXV.--KNOWING HIS MAN.

AN attorney, not celebrated for his probity, was robbed one night on his way from Wicklow to Dublin. His father meeting Baron O'Grady next day, said, "My lord, have you heard of my son's robbery?"--"No," replied the baron; "whom did _he rob_?"

MCDXXXVI.--A GOOD REASON FOR A BAD CAUSE.

AN eminent counsellor asked another why he so often undertook bad causes. "Sir," answered the lawyer, "I have lost so many _good_ ones, that I am quite at a loss which to take."

MCDXXXVII.--SELF-APPLAUSE.

SOME persons can neither stir hand nor foot without making it clear they are thinking of themselves, and laying little traps for approbation.--S.S.

MCDXXXVIII.--A WOODEN JOKE.

BURKE said of Lord Thurlow, "He was a sturdy _oak_ at Westminster, and a _willow_ at St James's."

MCDXXXIX.--AN OLD ADAGE REFUTED.

A SCHOLAR having fallen into the hands of robbers was fastened to a tree, and left so nearly a whole day, till one came and unloosed him. "Now," says he, "the old adage must be false, which saith that the _tide_ tarrieth for no man."

MCDXL.--THEATRICAL PURGATIONS.

A DRAMATIC author once observed that he knew nothing so terrible as reading his piece before a critical audience. "I know but one more terrible," said Compton, the actor, "to be obliged to sit and _hear it_."

MCDXLI.--ALL THE SAME.

IN Edinburgh resided a gentleman, who is as huge, though not so witty, as Falstaff. It is his custom when he travels to book two places, and thus secure half the inside to himself. He once sent his servant to book him to Glasgow. The man returned with the following pleasing intelligence: "I've booked you, sir; there weren't two inside places left, so I booked you _one in_ and _one out_."

MCDXLII.--THE PRINCIPLE OF GOVERNMENTS.

I SHALL not easily forget the sarcasm of Swift's simile as he told us of the Prince of Orange's harangue to the mob of Portsmouth. "We are come," said he, "for your good--_for all your goods_."--"A universal principle," added Swift, "of all governments; but, like most other truths, only _told by mistake_."

MCDXLIII.--DR. WALCOT'S APPLICATION FOR SHIELD'S IVORY OPERA PASS.

SHIELD, while the supplicating poor Ask thee for _meat_ with piteous moans; More humble I approach thy door, And beg for nothing but thy _bones_.

MCDXLIV.--COOKING HIS GOOSE.

THE performers rallying Cooke one morning, in the green room, on the awkward cut of a new coat, he apologized, by saying, "It was his tailor's _fault_."--"Yes, poor man," said Munden, "and his _misfortune_ too!"

MCDXLV.--TAKE WARNING!

A BARRISTER who had retired from practice, said: "If any man was to claim the _coat_ upon my back, and threaten my refusal with a lawsuit, he should certainly have it; lest, in defending my _coat_, I should, too late, find that I was deprived of my _waistcoat_ also."

MCDXLVI.--"THE WIDE, WIDE SEA."

HOOD says that, "A Quaker loves the ocean for its _broad brim_."

MCDXLVII.--CONDITIONAL AGREEMENT.

DR. A----, when dangerously ill at an hotel, was applied to by the landlord to pass his bill. The doctor, observing that all the charges were very high, wrote at the bottom of the account, "If I die, I _pass_ this account; if I live, I'll _examine it_."

MCDXLVIII.--ON A SQUINTING POETESS.

TO no _one_ muse does she her glance confine, But has an eye, at once, to _all the nine_.

MCDXLIX.--A NEAT SUGGESTION.

A WELSH judge, celebrated as a suitor for all sorts of places and his neglect of personal cleanliness, was thus addressed by Mr. Jekyll: "As you have asked the Ministry for everything else, ask them for a piece of _soap_ and a _nailbrush_."

MCDL.--SCOTCH "WUT."

IT requires (says Sydney Smith) a surgical operation to get a joke well into a Scotch understanding. Their only idea of wit, or rather that inferior variety of the electric talent which prevails occasionally in the North, and which, under the name of _Wut_, is so infinitely distressing to people of good taste, is laughing immoderately at stated intervals. They are so imbued with metaphysics that they even make love metaphysically. I overheard a young lady of my acquaintance, at a dance in Edinburgh, exclaim, in a sudden pause of the music, "What you say, my lord, is very true of love in the _aibstract_, but----" Here the fiddlers began fiddling furiously, and the rest was lost.

MCDLI.--WHERE IT CAME FROM.

A LADY, whose fondness for generous living had given her a flushed face and rubicund nose, consulted Dr. Cheyne. Upon surveying herself in the glass, she exclaimed, "Where in the name of wonder, doctor, did I get _such a nose_ as this?"--"Out of the _decanter, madam_," replied the doctor.

MCDLII.--QUIN AND CHARLES I.

QUIN sometimes said a wise thing. Disputing concerning the execution of Charles I.,--"By what laws," said his opponent, "was he put to death?" Quin replied, "By all the _laws_ that he had _left them_."

MCDLIII.--TIMELY FLATTERY.

A GENTLEMAN was asked by Mrs. Woffington, what difference there was between her and her watch; to which he instantly replied, "Your watch, madam, makes us _remember_ the hours, and you make us _forget_ them."

MCDLIV.--EPIGRAM ON TWO CONTRACTORS.

TO gull the public two contractors come, One pilfers corn,--the other cheats in rum. Which is the greater knave, ye wits explain, A rogue in _spirit_, or a rogue in _grain_?

MCDLV.--TRAVELLERS SEE STRANGE THINGS.

A TRAVELLER, when asked whether, in his youth, he had gone _through Euclid_, was not quite sure, but he thought it was a _small village_ between Wigan and Preston.

MCDLVI.--AN UNCONSCIOUS INSULT.

A FRENCHMAN, who had learned English, wished to lose no opportunity of saying something pretty. One evening he observed to Lady R., whose dress was fawn color, and that of her daughter pink, "Milady, your daughter is de _pink_ of beauty."--"Ah, monsieur, you Frenchmen always flatter."--"No, madam, I only do speak the truth, and what all de world will allow, that your daughter is de pink, and you are de _drab_ of fashion."

MCDLVII.--A CLOSE TRANSLATION.

A COUNTRY gentleman, wishing to be civil to Dr. B----, a translator of Juvenal, said, "What particularly convinces me of the faithfulness of your translation is, that _in places where I do not understand Juvenal, I likewise do not understand you_."

MCDLVIII.--NEW RELATIONSHIP.

A STRANGER to law courts hearing a judge call a sergeant "brother," expressed his surprise. "O," said one present, "they are brothers,--_brothers-in-law_."

MCDLIX.--ONLY A NINEPIN.

THE Earl of Lonsdale was so extensive a proprietor, and patron of boroughs, that he returned nine members to Parliament, who were facetiously called Lord Lonsdale's ninepins. One of the members thus designated, having made a very extravagant speech in the House of Commons, was answered by Mr. Burke in a vein of the happiest sarcasm, which elicited from the House loud and continued cheers. Mr. Fox, entering the House just as Mr. Burke was sitting down, inquired of Sheridan what the House was cheering. "O, nothing of consequence," replied Sheridan, "only Burke has knocked down one of _Lord Lonsdale's ninepins_."

MCDLX.--DR. WALCOT'S REQUEST FOR IVORY TICKETS, SENT TO SHIELD, THE COMPOSER.

SON of the string (I do not mean Jack Ketch, Though Jack, like thee, produceth dying tones), Oh, yield thy pity to a starving wretch, And for to-morrow's _treat_ pray send thy _bones_!

MCDLXI.--DIFFICULTIES IN EITHER CASE.

ONE evening, at a private party at Oxford, at which Dr. Johnson was present, a recently published essay on the future life of brutes was referred to, and a gentleman, disposed to support the author's opinion that the lower animals have an "immortal part," familiarly remarked to the doctor, "Really, sir, when we see a very sensible dog, we don't know what to think of him." Johnson, turning quickly round, replied, "True, sir; and when we see a very foolish _fellow_, we don't know what to think of _him_."

MCDLXII.--A PROFESSIONAL AIM.

IN a duel between two attorneys, one of them shot away the skirt of the other's coat. His second, observing the truth of his aim, declared that had his friend been engaged with a _client_ he would very probably have _hit his pocket_.

MCDLXIII.--FLYING COLORS.

SIR GODFREY KNELLER latterly painted more for profit than for praise, and is said to have used some whimsical preparations in his colors, which made them work fair and smoothly off, but not endure. A friend, noticing it to him, said, "What do you think posterity will say, Sir Godfrey Kneller, when they see these pictures some years hence?"--"Say!" replied the artist: "why, they'll say Sir Godfrey Kneller _never_ painted them!"

MCDLXIV.--AN ENTERTAINING PROPOSITION.

A POMPOUS fellow made a very inadequate offer for a valuable property; and, calling the next day for an answer, inquired of the gentleman if he had _entertained his proposition_. "No," replied the other, "your proposition _entertained me_."

MCDLXV.--UNION OF OPPOSITES.

A PHRENOLOGIST remarking that some persons had the organ of murder and benevolence strongly and equally developed, his friend replied, "that doubtless those were the persons _who would kill one with kindness_."

MCDLXVI.--EPIGRAM.

(On ----'s Veracity.)

HE boasts about the truth I've heard, And vows he'd never break it; Why, zounds, a man _must_ keep his word When nobody will take it.

MCDLXVII.--AN UNTAXED LUXURY.

A LADY having remarked in company that she thought there should be a tax on "_the single state_"; "Yes, madam," rejoined an obstinate old bachelor, "as on all other _luxuries_."

MCDLXVIII.--A DEAR SPEAKER.

SOON after the Irish members were admitted into the House of Commons, on the union of the kingdom in 1801, one of them, in the middle of his maiden speech, thus addressed the chair: "And now, _my dear_ Mr. Speaker," etc. This excited loud laughter. As soon as the mirth had subsided, Mr. Sheridan observed, "that the honorable member was perfectly in order; for, thanks to the ministers, now-a-days _everything is dear_."

MCDLXIX.--ABSURDLY LOGICAL.

A MAD Quaker (wrote Sydney Smith) belongs to a small and rich sect; and is, therefore, of _greater_ importance than any other _mad person_ of the same degree in life.

MCDLXX.--PROOF POSITIVE.

A CHEMIST asserted that all bitter things were hot. "No," said a gentleman present, "there is a _bitter_ cold day."

MCDLXXI.--PLAYER, OR LORD.

ONE day, at a party in Bath, Quin said something which caused a general murmur of delighted merriment. A nobleman present, who was not distinguished for the brilliancy of his ideas, exclaimed: "What a pity 'tis, Quin, my boy, that a clever fellow like you should _be a player_!" Quin, fixing and flashing his eyes upon the speaker, replied: "Why! what would your lordship have me be?--a lord?"

MCDLXXII.--IN MEMORIAM.

SOYER is gone! Then be it said, At last, indeed, great PAN is dead.

MCDLXXIII.--PRIME'S PRESERVATIVE.

SERGEANT PRIME had a remarkably long nose, and being one day out riding, was flung from his horse, and fell upon his face in the middle of the road. A countryman, who saw the occurrence, ran hastily up, raised the sergeant from the mire, and asked him if he was much hurt. The sergeant replied in the negative. "I zee, zur," said the rustic, grinning, "yer _ploughshare_ saved ye!"

MCDLXXIV.--A SHARP BRUSH.

SHERIDAN was down at Brighton one summer, when Fox, the manager, desirous of showing him some civility, took him all over the theatre, and, exhibited its beauties. "There, Mr. Sheridan," said Fox, who combined twenty occupations, without being clever in any, "I built and painted all these boxes, and I painted all these scenes."--"Did you?" said Sheridan, surveying them rapidly; "well, I should not, I am sure, have known you were a Fox by your _brush_."

MCDLXXV.--NOT SO "DAFT" AS REPUTED.

THERE was a certain "Daft Will," who was a privileged haunter of Eglington Castle and grounds. He was discovered by the noble owner one day taking a near cut, and crossing a fence in the demesne. The earl called out, "Come back, sir, that's not the road."--"Do ye ken," said Will, "whaur I'm gaun?"--"No," replied his lordship. "Weel, hoo the deil do ye ken _whether this be the road or no_?"

MCDLXXVI.--PICKING POCKETS.

"THESE beer-shops," quoth Barnabas, speaking in alt, "Are ruinous,--down with the growers of malt!" "Too true," answers Ben, with a shake of the head, "Wherever they congregate, honesty's dead. That beer breeds dishonesty causes no wonder, 'Tis nurtured in crime,--'tis concocted in plunder; In Kent while surrounded by flourishing crops, I saw a rogue _picking a pocket_ of hops."

MCDLXXVII.--HUSBANDING HIS RESOURCES.

A WAG, reading in one of Brigham Young's manifestoes, "that the great resources of Utah are her women," exclaimed, "It is very evident that the prophet is disposed to _husband his resources_."

MCDLXXVIII.--SMOOTHING IT DOWN.

A CLIENT remarked to his solicitor, "You are writing my bill on very rough paper, sir."--"Never mind," was the reply of the latter, "it has to be _filed_ before it comes into court."

MCDLXXIX.--MAKING FREE WITH THE WAIST.

CURRAN, in cross-examining the chief witness of a plaintiff in an action for an assault, obliged him to acknowledge that the plaintiff had put his arm round the waist of Miss D----, which had provoked the defendant to strike him: "Then, sir, I presume," said Curran, "he took that _waist_ for _common_?"

MCDLXXX.--A HOPELESS INVASION.

ADMIRAL BRIDPORT, speaking of the threatened invasion by the French in 1798, dryly observed, "They might come as they could; for his own part, he could only say that they should not _come by water_."

MCDLXXXI.--DROLL TO ORDER.

ONE evening, a lady said to a small wit, "Come, Mr. ----, tell us a lively anecdote," and the poor fellow was mute during the remainder of the evening. "Favor me with your company on Wednesday evening, you are such a lion," said a weak party-giver to a young author. "I thank you," replied the wit; "but on that evening I am engaged _to eat fire_ at the Countess of ----, and _stand upon my head_ at Mrs. ----."

MCDLXXXII.--MEN OF WEIGHT.

IF fat men ride, they tire the horse, And if they walk themselves--that's worse: Travel at all, they are at best, Either oppressors or opprest.

MCDLXXXIII.--CHEMICAL ODDITY.

WHILE an ignorant lecturer was describing the nature of gas, a blue-stocking lady inquired of a gentleman near her, what was the difference between oxygin and hydrogin? "Very little, madam," said he; "by oxygin we mean pure _gin_; and by hydrogin, _gin and water_."

MCDLXXXIV.--AN APISH RESEMBLANCE.

CHARLES LAMB used to say, that he had a great dislike to monkeys, on the principle that "it was not pleasant to look upon one's _poor relations_."

MCDLXXXV.--HE WHO SUNG "THE LAYS OF ANCIENT ROME."

LORD MACAULAY, passing one day through the Seven Dials, bought a handful of ballads from some street-folks who were bawling out their contents to a gaping audience. Proceeding on his way home, he was astonished to find himself followed by half a score of urchins, their faces beaming with expectation. "Now then, my lads, what is it?" said he. "O, that's a good 'un," replied one of the boys, "after we've come all this way."--"But what are you waiting for?" said the historian, astonished at the lad's familiarity. "Waiting for! why ain't you going to _sing, guv'ner_?"

MCDLXXXVI.--DEATH-BED FORGIVENESS.

A VETERAN Highlander, between whose family and that of a neighboring chieftain had existed a long hereditary feud, being on his death-bed, was reminded that this was the time to forgive all his enemies, even he who had most injured him. "Well, be it so," said the old Gael, after a short pause, "be it so; go tell Kinmare I forgive him,--but my curses rest upon my son _if ever he does_."

MCDLXXXVII.--A REASONABLE PREFERENCE.

WHETHER tall men or short men are best, Or bold men, or modest and shy men, I can't say, but this I protest, All the fair are in favor of _Hy-men_.

MCDLXXXVIII.--A DEAR BARGAIN.

QUIN was one day lamenting that he grew old, when a shallow impertinent young fellow said to him, "What would you give to be as young as I am?"--"By the powers," replied Quin, "I would even submit to be _almost as foolish_!"

MCDLXXXIX.--SUGGESTIVE REPUDIATION.

LORD BYRON was once asked by a friend in the green-room of the Drury Lane Theatre, whether he did not think Miss Kelly's acting in the "_Maid and the Magpie_" exceedingly natural. "I really am no _judge_," answered his lordship, "I was never _innocent_ of stealing a spoon."

MCDXC.--NO INTRUSION.

A LOQUACIOUS author, after babbling some time about his piece to Sheridan, said, "Sir, I fear I have been intruding on your attention."--"Not at all, I assure you," replied he, "I was thinking of _something else_."

MCDXCI.--EXPERIMENTUM CRUCIS.

A MERCHANT being asked to define the meaning of _experimental_ and _natural_ philosophy, said he considered the _first_ to be asking a man to discount a bill at a long date, and the _second_ his refusing to do it.

MCDXCII.--NOT AT ALL ANXIOUS.

A MAN very deeply in debt, being reprimanded by his friends for his disgraceful situation, and the _anxiety_ of a debtor being urged by them in very strong expressions: "Ah!" said he, "that may be the case with a person who _thinks_ of paying."

MCDXCIII.--ODD HUMOR.

WHEN Lord Holland was on his death-bed, his friend George Selwyn called to inquire how his Lordship was, and left his card. This was taken to Lord Holland, who said: "If Mr. Selwyn calls again, show him into my room. If I am _alive_, I shall be glad to see him; if I am _dead_, I am sure that he will be delighted to see me."

MCDXCIV.--A TICKLISH OPENING.

HENRY ERSKINE happening to be retained for a client of the name of Tickle, began his speech in opening the case, thus: "Tickle, my client, the defendant, my lord,"--and upon proceeding so far was interrupted by laughter in court, which was increased when the judge (Lord Kaimes) exclaimed, "_Tickle him yourself_, Harry; you are as able to do so as I am."

MCDXCV.--THE REPUBLIC OF LETTERS.

HOOD suggests that the phrase "_republic_ of letters" was hit upon to insinuate that, taking the whole lot of authors together, they had not got a _sovereign_ amongst them.

MCDXCVI.--AN OFFENSIVE PREFERENCE.

A PERSON meeting with an acquaintance after a long absence, told him that he was surprised to see him, for he had heard that he was dead. "But," says the other, "you find the report false."--"'Tis hard to determine," he replied, "for the man that told me was one whose word I would _sooner take than yours_."

MCDXCVII.--SELF-CONDEMNATION.

A COUNTRY gentleman, walking in his garden, saw his gardener asleep in an arbor. "What!" says the master, "asleep, you idle dog, you are not worthy that the sun should shine on you."--"I am truly sensible of my unworthiness," answered the man, "and therefore I laid myself down in the _shade_."

MCDXCVIII.--AN ILLEGAL INDORSEMENT.

CURRAN having one day a violent argument with a country schoolmaster on some classical subject, the pedagogue, who had the worst of it, said, in a towering passion, that he would lose no more time, and must go back to his scholars. "Do, my dear doctor," said Curran, "_but don't indorse my sins upon their backs_."

MCDXCIX.--A PLUMPER.

A YOUNG gentleman, with a bad voice, preached a probation sermon for a very good lectureship in the city. A friend, when he came out of the pulpit, wished him joy, and said, "He would certainly carry the election, _for he had nobody's voice against him but his own_."

MD.--A PAINFUL EXAMINATION.

IN the course of an examination for the degree of B.A. in the Senate House, Cambridge, under an examiner whose name was Payne, one of the questions was, "Give a definition of happiness." To which a candidate returned the following laconic answer: "An _exemption_ from _Payne_."

MDI.--BUSINESS AND PLEASURE.

A QUAKER (says Hood) makes a pleasure of his business, and then, for relaxation, makes a _business_ of his _pleasure_.

MDII.--INFORMATION EASILY ACQUIRED.

A FRIEND, crossing Putney Bridge with Theodore Hook, observed that he had been informed that it was a very good investment, and inquired "if such were the case?"--"I don't know," was the answer; "but you ought, as you have just been _tolled_."

MDIII.--A WALKING STICK.

AN old gentleman accused his servant of having stolen his stick. The man protested perfect innocence. "Why, you know," rejoined his master, "that the stick could never have walked off with itself."--"Certainly not, sir, unless it was a _walking-stick_."

MDIV.--CHARITY AND INCONVENIENCE.

IT is objected, and we admit often with truth, that the wealthy are ready to bestow their money, but not to endure personal inconvenience. The following anecdote is told in illustration: A late nobleman was walking in St. James's Street, in a hard frost, when he met an agent, who began to importune his Grace in behalf of some charity which had enjoyed his support. "Put me down for what you please," peevishly exclaimed the Duke; "but don't _keep me in the cold_."

MDV.--A REASON FOR BELIEF.

"DO you believe in the apostolical succession?" inquired one of Sydney Smith. "I do," he replied: "and my faith in that dogma dates from the moment I became acquainted with the Bishop of ----, _who is so like Judas_."

MDVI.--OPENLY.

NO, Varus hates a thing that's base; I own, indeed, he's got a knack Of flattering people to their face, But scorns to do 't behind their back.

MDVII.--PAINTED CHARMS.

OF a celebrated actress, who, in her declining days, bought charms of carmine and pearl-powder, Jerrold said, "Egad! she should have a hoop about her, with a notice upon it, '_Beware of the paint_.'"

MDVIII.--ON THE SPOT.

TWO Oxonians dining together, one of them noticing a spot of grease on the neck-cloth of his companion, said, "I see you are a _Grecian_."--"Pooh!" said the other, "that is _far-fetched_."--"No, indeed," said the punster, "I made it on the _spot_."

MDIX.--MR. ERSKINE'S FIRMNESS.

IN the famous trial of the Dean of Asaph, Mr. Erskine put a question to the jury, relative to the meaning of their verdict. Mr. Justice Buller objected to its propriety. The counsel reiterated his question, and demanded an answer. The judge again interposed his authority in these emphatic words: "Sit down, Mr. Erskine; know your duty, or I shall be obliged to make you know it." Mr. Erskine with equal warmth replied, "I know _my duty_ as well as your lordship knows _your duty_. I stand here as the advocate of a fellow citizen, _and I will not sit down_." The judge was silent, and the advocate persisted in his question.

MDX.--A SHUFFLING ANSWER.

A FAIR devotee lamented to her confessor her love of gaming. "Ah! madam," replied the reverend gentleman, "it is a grievous sin;--in the first place consider the _loss of time_."--"That's just what I do," said she; "I always begrudge the time that is lost in _shuffling and dealing_."

MDXI.--THE DEBT PAID.

TO _John_ I owed great obligation; But _John_, unhappily, thought fit To publish it to all the nation: Sure _John_ and I am more than quit.

MDXII.--A UTILITARIAN INQUIRY.

JAMES SMITH one night took old Mr. Twiss to hear Mathews in his _At Home_, to the whole of which the mathematician gave devoted attention. At the close, Mr. Smith asked him whether he had not been surprised and pleased. "Both," replied Mr. Twiss, "but what _does it all go to prove_?"

MDXIII.--AN OBJECTIONABLE PROCESS.

GENERAL D---- was more distinguished for gallantry in the field than for the care he lavished upon his person. Complaining, on a certain occasion, to the late Chief-Justice Bushe, of Ireland, of the sufferings he endured from rheumatism, that learned and humorous judge undertook to prescribe a remedy. "You must desire your servant," he said to the general, "to place every morning by your bedside a tub three-parts filled with warm water. You will then get into the tub, and having previously provided yourself with a pound of yellow soap, you must rub your whole body with it, immersing yourself occasionally in the water, and at the end of a quarter of an hour, the process concludes by wiping yourself dry with towels, and scrubbing your person with a flesh-brush."--"Why," said the general, after reflecting for a minute or two, "this seems to be neither more nor less than washing one's self."--"Well, I must confess," rejoined the judge, "_it is open to that objection_."

MDXIV.--EPIGRAM.

(Upon the late Duke of Buckingham's moderate reform.)

FOR Buckingham to hope to pit His bill against Lord Grey's is idle; Reform, when offered _bit_ by _bit_, Is but intended for a _bridle_.

MDXV.--A DREADFUL SUSPICION.

A GENTLEMAN leaving the company, somebody who sat next to Dr. Johnson asked who he was. "I cannot exactly tell you sir," replied the doctor, "and I should be loath to speak ill of any person whom I do not know deserves it, but I am afraid he is an _attorney_."

MDXVI.--A FAMILIAR FRIEND.

SYDNEY SMITH was annoyed one evening by the familiarity of a young gentleman, who, though a comparative stranger, was encouraged by Smith's jocular reputation to address him by his surname alone. Hearing the young man say that he was going that evening to see the Archbishop of Canterbury for the first time, the reverend wit interposed, "Pray don't _clap him_ on the back, and call him Howley."

MDXVII.--NO MUSIC IN HIS SOUL.

LORD NORTH, who had a great antipathy to music, being asked why he did not subscribe to the Ancient Concerts, and it being urged as a reason for it that his brother the Bishop of Winchester did, "Ay," replied his lordship, "if I was as _deaf_ as my brother, I would _subscribe too_."

MDXVIII.--PROFESSIONAL CANDOR.

A GENTLEMAN afflicted with rheumatism consulted a physician, who immediately wrote him a prescription. As the patient was going away the doctor called him back. "By the way, sir, should my prescription happen to afford you any relief, _please to let me know_, as I am myself suffering from _a similar affection_, and have tried _in vain to cure it_."

MDXIX.--TELL IT NOT IN ENGLAND.

LADY CARTERET, wife of the Lord-Lieutenant of Ireland, in Swift's time, one day said to the wit, "The air of this country is very good."--"Don't say so in England, my lady," quickly replied the dean, "for if you do they will certainly _tax_ it."

MDXX.--FASHION AND VIRTUE.

"WHAT'S fashionable, I'll maintain Is always right," cries sprightly Jane; "Ah! would to Heaven," cries graver Sue, "What's _right_ were fashionable too."

MDXXI.--PROFESSIONAL COMPANIONS.

A GENTLEMAN, who was dining with another, praised the meat very much, and inquired who was his butcher. "His name is Addison."--"Addison!" echoed the guest; "pray is he any relation to the poet?"--"I can't say: but this I know, he is seldom without his _Steel_ by his side."

MDXXII.--WHY MASTER OF THE HOUSE.

A TRAVELLER coming up to an inn door, said: "Pray, friend, are you the master of this house?"--"Yes, sir," answered Boniface, "my wife has been _dead these three weeks_."

MDXXIII.--PRECAUTIONARY.

LORD JOHN RUSSELL, remarkable for the smallness of his person as Lord Nugent was for the reverse, was expected at a house where Sydney Smith was a guest. "Lord John comes here to-day," said Sydney Smith, "his corporeal anti-part, Lord Nugent, is already here. Heaven send he may not _swallow John_! There are, however, _stomach-pumps_ in case of accident."

MDXXIV.--A LATE DISCOVERER.

A VERY dull man, after dinner, had been boring the company with a long discourse, in the course of which he had given utterance to ethical views as old as the hills, as though he had just discovered them. When he had done repeating his truisms, Charles Lamb gravely said: "Then, sir, you are actually prepared to maintain that a thief is not _altogether a moral man_."

MDXXV.--LINES TO O'KEEFE.

(Said to be written by Peter Pindar.)

THEY say, O'Keefe, Thou art a thief, That half thy works are stolen or more; I say O'Keefe, Thou art no thief, Such stuff was never writ before!

MDXXVI.--PROFESSION AND PRACTICE.

A YOUNG lawyer who had been "admitted" about a year, was asked by a friend, "How do you like your new profession?" The reply was accompanied by a brief sigh to suit the occasion: "My _profession_ is much better than my _practice_."

MDXXVII.--A RISKFUL ADVENTURE.

MR. REYNOLDS, the dramatist, once met a _free_ and _easy_ actor, who told him that he had passed three festive days at the seat of the Marquis and Marchioness of ----, _without any invitation_. He had gone there on the assumption that as my lord and lady were not on _speaking terms_, _each_ would suppose the _other_ had asked him, and so it turned out.

MDXXVIII.--WONDERFUL UNANIMITY.

JUDGE CLAYTON was an honest man, but not a profound lawyer. Soon after he was raised to the Irish bench, he happened to dine in company with Counsellor Harwood, celebrated for his fine brogue, his humor, and his legal knowledge. Clayton began to make some observations on the Laws of Ireland. "In my country" (England), said he, "the laws are numerous, but then one is always found to be a key to the other. In Ireland it is just the contrary; your laws so perpetually clash with one another, and are so very contradictory, that I protest _I don't understand them_."--"True, my lord," cried Harwood, "_that is what we all say_."

MDXXIX.--A MICHAELMAS MEETING.

SAMUEL TAYLOR COLERIDGE was so bad a horseman, that when mounted he generally attracted unfavorable notice. On a certain occasion he was riding along a turnpike road, in the county of Durham, when he was met by a wag, who, mistaking his man, thought the rider a good subject for sport. "I say, young man," cried the rustic, "did you see a _tailor_ on the road?"--"Yes, I did; and he told me that, if I went a little further, I should meet a _goose_."

MDXXX.--A TYPOGRAPHICAL TRANSFER.

THE editor of the _Evangelical Observer_, in reference to a certain person, took occasion to write that he was _rectus in ecclesia_, _i.e._, in good standing in the church. The compositor, in the editor's absence, converted it into _rectus in culina_, which although not very bad Latin, altered the sense very materially, giving the reverend gentleman _a good standing in the kitchen_.

MDXXXI.--EPIGRAM.

(Upon the trustworthiness of ---- ----.)

HE'LL keep a secret well, or I'm deceived, For what he says will never be believed.

MDXXXII.--GOING TO EXTREMES.

WHEN ladies wore their dresses very low and very short, a wit observed that "they began too late and ended too soon."

MDXXXIII.--SILENT APPRECIATION.

A GENTLEMAN gave a friend some first-rate wine, which he tasted and drank, making no remark upon it. The owner, disgusted at his guest's want of appreciation, next offered some strong but inferior wine, which the guest had no sooner tasted than he exclaimed that it was excellent wine. "But you said nothing of _the first_" remarked his host "O," replied the other, "the first required nothing being said of it. _It spoke for itself._ I thought the second wanted a _trumpeter_."

MDXXXIV.--JUSTICE MIDAS.

A JUDGE, joking a young barrister, said, "If you and I were turned into a horse and an ass, which would you prefer to be?"--"The ass, to be sure," replied the barrister. "I've heard of an ass being made a judge, but a horse never."

MDXXXV.--A SIGNIFICANT DIFFERENCE.

AT an hotel at Brighton, Douglas Jerrold was dining with two friends, one of whom, after dinner, ordered "a bottle of _old_ port."--"Waiter," added Jerrold, with a significant twinkle of his eye, "mind now; a bottle of your _old_ port, not your _elder_ port."

MDXXXVI.--LAW AND PHYSIC.

WHEN Dr. H. and Sergeant A. were walking arm-in-arm, a wag said to a friend, "These two are just equal to one highwayman."--"Why?" was the response. "Because it is a lawyer and a doctor--_your money or your life_."

MDXXXVII.--EUCLID REFUTED.

"A PART," says Euclid, "one at once may see, Unto the whole can never equal be"; Yet W----'s speeches can this fact control, Of them a part is equal to the whole.

MDXXXVIII.--KEEPING IT TO HIMSELF.

BURKE once mentioned to Fox that he had written a tragedy. "Did you let Garrick see it?" inquired his friend: "No," replied Burke; "though I had the folly to _write_ it, I had the wit to keep it _to myself_."

MDXXXIX.--CLASSICAL WIT.

DR. MAGINN dining with a friend on ham and chicken, addressed Sukey Boyle, his friend's housekeeper, thus: "You know, Boyle, what old Ovid, in his 'Art of Love' (book iii.), says; I give you the same wish:--

"'Semper tibi _pendeat hamus_,'

May you always have a _ham_ hanging in your kitchen." The doctor insisted that tea was well known to the Romans, "for," said he, "even in the time of Plautus it was a favorite beverage with the ladies,--

"'Amant _te_ omnes mulieres.'" _Miles Glor._, Act i., sc. i., v. 58.

Observing Sukey Boyle, he said to his friend, "Ah! John, I see you follow the old advice we both learned at school, [Greek: Charizou tê Psychê], 'Indulge yourself with Sukey.'" There was some hock at dinner, which he thus eulogized:--

"'Hoc tum sævas paulatim mitigat iras, Hoc minuit luctus moestaque corda levat.'" _Ov. Trist._, lib. iv., _el._ vi., v. 15, 16.

MDXL.--A PREFERABLE WAY.

ONE of the Kembles made his first appearance on the stage as an opera singer. His voice was, however, so bad, that at a rehearsal the conductor of the orchestra called out, "Mr. Kemble! Mr. Kemble! you are murdering the music!"--"My dear sir," was the quiet rejoinder, "it is far better to murder it outright, than to keep on _beating it as you do_."

MDXLI.--A STOUT SWIMMER.

SOME one jocularly observed to the Marquis Wellesley, that, in his arrangements of the ministry, his brother, the Duke, had thrown him overboard. "Yes," said the Marquis; "but I trust I have strength enough to swim _to the other side_."

MDXLII.--A CHOICE OF EVILS.

ONE asked his friend, why he married so _little_ a wife? "Why," said he, "I thought you knew, that of all evils we should choose the _least_."

MDXLIII.--RESTING HERSELF.

A LABORER'S daughter, who had been in service from her childhood, would frequently wish to be married, that, as she expressed herself, she might _rest her bones_. Some time afterwards she got married, and her late mistress meeting her, asked her, "Well, Mary, have you rested your bones yet?"--"Yes, indeed," replied she, with a sigh, "I have rested my _jaw-bones_."

MDXLIV.--A CHARTIST NOT A LEVELLER.

A CHARTIST at a public meeting, in the course of a speech about the "five points" of the charter, exclaimed, "Gentlemen, is not one man as good as another?"--"Uv course he is," shouted an excited Irish chartist, "and _a great deal betther_."

MDXLV.--DEATH AND DR. BOLUS.

"MY dart," cried Death, "I cannot find, So now I'm quite at sea." Quoth Dr. Bolus, "Never mind,-- There, take this recipe."

MDXLVI.--AN EVASION.

A WELL-DRESSED fellow walked into a room where they were talking politics, and, stretching himself up to his full height, exclaimed, in a loud voice, "Where is a radical? Show me a radical, gentlemen, and I'll show you a liar!" In an instant a man exclaimed, "I am a radical, sir!"--"_You_ are?"--"Yes, sir, I _am_!"--"Well, just you step round the corner with me, and I'll _show you_ a fellow who said I couldn't find a radical in the ward. Ain't _he_ a liar, I should like to know?"

MDXLVII.--GOING FROM THE POINT.

CURRAN, in describing a speech made by Sergeant Hewitt, said: "My learned friend's speech put me exactly in mind of a familiar utensil in domestic use, commonly called an _extinguisher_. It began at a point, and on it went widening and widening, until at last it fairly put the question out altogether."

MDXLVIII.--DEFINING A CREED.

A FRIEND of Sydney Smith inquired, "What is Puseyism!" To which the witty canon replied: "Puseyism, sir, is inflexion and genuflexion; posture and imposture; bowing to the east, and curtseying to the west."

MDXLIX.--A BIT OF MOONSHINE.

BROUGHAM, speaking of the salary attached to a new judgeship, said it was all moonshine. Lyndhurst, in his dry and waggish way, remarked, "May be so, my Lord Harry; but I have a strong notion that, moonshine though it be, you would like to see the _first quarter_ of it."

MDL.--EPIGRAM.

WHEN at the head of our most gracious king, Disloyal Collins did his pebble fling,-- "Why choose," with tears the injured monarch said, "So hard a stone to break so soft a head?"

MDLI.--A KIND HINT.

LORD GREY complains that he cannot succeed in pleasing any party. He should follow the example of duellists, and by _going out_ he would certainly give _satisfaction_.

MDLII.--PRIEST'S ORDERS.

AN actor named Priest was playing at one of the principal theatres. Some one remarked to the Garrick Club that there were a great many men in the pit. "Probably clerks _who have taken Priest's orders_," said Mr. Poole, one of the best punsters as well as one of the cleverest comic satirists of the day.

MDLIII.--SHERIDAN AND BURKE.

AFTER a very violent speech from an opposition member, Mr. Burke started suddenly from his seat, and rushed to the ministerial side of the house, exclaiming with much vehemence, "I quit the camp! I quit the camp!"--"I hope," said Mr. Sheridan, "as the honorable gentleman has quitted the camp as a _deserter_, he will not return as a _spy_."

MDLIV.--ALWAYS THE BETTER.

A CAMBRIDGE tutor said to his pupil, "If you go over to Newmarket, beware of betting, for in nine cases out of ten it brings a man to ruin."--"Sir," said the youth, "I must really differ from you; so far from ever being the worse for it, I have invariably been _the better_."

MDLV.--A PUNGENT PINCH.

WHEN Curran was cross-examining Lundy Foot, the celebrated Irish tobacconist, he put a question at which Lundy hesitated a great deal: "Lundy," exclaimed Curran, "that's a poser,--a deuse of a _pinch_, Lundy!"

MDLVI.--"OFF WITH HIS HEAD."

AN EMINENT painter, who had suffered, under the common malady of his profession, namely, to paint portraits for persons who neither paid for them nor took them away, sent word to an ugly customer who refused to pay, that he was in treaty for the picture with the landlord of the "_Saracen's Head_." It was paid for immediately.

MDLVII.--ON A GREAT TALKER.

TO hear Dash by the hour blunder forth his vile prose, Job himself scarcely patience could keep; He's so dull that each moment we're ready to doze, Yet so noisy we can't go to sleep.

MDLVIII.--DRY HUMOR.

AN Irish post-boy having driven a gentleman a long stage during torrents of rain, was asked if he was not very wet? "Arrah! I wouldn't care about being _very wet_, if I wasn't so _very dry_, your honor."

MDLIX.--CHANGE FOR A GUINEA.

THE beautiful Lady Coventry was exhibiting to Selwyn a splendid new dress, covered with large silver spangles, the size of a shilling, and inquired of him whether he admired her taste. "Why," he said, "you will be _change for a guinea_."

MDLX.--AS BLACK AS HE COULD BE PAINTED.

A LITTLE boy one day came running home, and said, "O father, I've just seen the blackest man that ever was!"--"How black was he, my son?"--"O, he was as black as black can be! why, father, charcoal would make a _white_ mark on him!"

MDLXI.--A MAN AND A BROTHER.

HARRY WOODWARD, walking with a friend, met a most miserable object, who earnestly solicited their charity. On Woodward giving a few pence, his friend said, "I believe that fellow is an impostor."--"He is either the most distressed man, or the best actor, I ever saw in my life," replied the comedian: "and, as _either one or the other, he has a brotherly claim upon me_."

MDLXII.--PULLING UP A POET.

A POET was once walking with T----, in the street, reciting some of his verses. T---- perceiving, at a short distance, a man yawning, pointed him out to the poet, saying, "Not so loud, _he hears you_."

MDLXIII.--AN HONOR TO TIPPERARY.

A GENTLEMAN from Ireland, on entering a London tavern, saw a countryman of his, a Tipperary squire, sitting over his pint of wine in the coffee-room. "My dear fellow," said he, "what are you about? For the honor of Tipperary, don't be after sitting over a pint of wine in a house like this!"--"Make yourself aisy, countryman," was the reply, "It's the _seventh_ I have had, and every one in the room _knows it_."

MDLXIV.--WITTY THANKSGIVING.

BARHAM having sent his friend, Sydney Smith, a brace of pheasants, the present was acknowledged in the following characteristic epistle: "Many thanks, my dear sir, for your kind present of game. If there is a pure and elevated pleasure in this world, it is that of roast pheasant and bread sauce; barn-door fowls for dissenters, but for the real churchman, the thirty-nine times articled clerk, the pheasant, the pheasant.--Ever yours, _S.S._"

MDLXV.--A REASON FOR NOT MOVING.

THOMSON, the author of the "Seasons," was wonderfully indolent. A friend entered his room, and finding him in bed, although the day was far spent, asked him why he did not get up. "Man, I hae _nae motive_," replied the poet.

MDLXVI.--KILLED BY HIS OWN REMEDY.

THE surgeon of an English ship of war used to prescribe salt water for his patients in all disorders. Having sailed one evening on a party of pleasure, he happened by some mischance to be drowned. The captain, who had not heard of the disaster, asked one of the tars next day if he had heard anything of the doctor. "Yes," answered Jack: "he was drowned last night in his _own medicine chest_."

MDLXVII.--NOTHING SURPRISING.

ADMIRAL LEE, when only a post captain, being on board his ship one very rainy and stormy night, the officer of the watch came down to his cabin and cried, "Sir, the sheet-anchor is coming home."--"Indeed," says the captain, "I think the sheet-anchor is perfectly in the _right_ of it. I don't know what would _stay out_ such a stormy night as this."

MDLXVIII.--RUNNING NO RISK.

"I'M very much surprised," quoth Harry, "That Jane a gambler should marry." "I'm not at all," her sister says, "You know he has such _winning ways_!"

MDLXIX.--A HUMORIST PIQUED.

THEODORE HOOK was relating to his friend, Charles Mathews, how, on one occasion, when supping in the company of Peake, the latter surreptitiously removed from his plate several slices of tongue; and, affecting to be very much annoyed by such practical joking, Hook concluded with the question, "Now, Charles, what would _you_ do to anybody who treated you in such a manner?"--"Do?" exclaimed Mathews, "if any man meddled with _my_ tongue, I'd _lick_ him!"

MDLXX.--NOT ROOM FOR A NEIGHBOR.

A LANDED proprietor in the small county of Rutland became very intimate with the Duke of Argyle, to whom, in the plenitude of his friendship, he said: "How I wish your estate were in my county!" Upon which the duke replied: "I'm thinking, if it were, there would be _no room for yours_."

MDLXXI.--AN UNEXPECTED CANNONADE.

AT one of the annual dinners of the members of the Chapel Royal, a gentleman had been plaguing Edward Cannon with a somewhat dry disquisition on the noble art of fencing. Cannon for some time endured it with patience; but at length, on the man remarking that Sir George D---- was a great fencer, Cannon, who disliked him, replied, "I don't know, sir, whether Sir George is a great fencer, but Sir George is a great fool!" A little startled, the other rejoined, "Possibly he is; but then, you know, a man may be both."--"_So I see, sir_," said Cannon, turning away.

MDLXXII.--ON BUTLER'S MONUMENT.

WHILE Butler, needy wretch, was yet alive, No generous patron would a dinner give. See him, when starved to death and turned to dust, Presented with a monumental bust. The poet's fate is here in emblem shown,-- He asked for bread, and he received a stone.

MDLXXIII.--A WORD IN SEASON.

MRS. POWELL the actress was at a court of assize when a young barrister, who rose to make his maiden speech, suddenly stopped short and could not proceed. The lady, feeling for his situation, cried out, as though he had been a young actor on his first appearance, "Somebody _give him the word_,--somebody give him the word!"

MDLXXIV.--"GETTING THE WORST OF IT."

PORSON was once disputing with an acquaintance, who, getting the worst of it, said, "Professor, _my opinion_ of you is most contemptible."--"Sir," returned the great Grecian, "I never knew an _opinion_ of yours that was _not contemptible_."

MDLXXV.--A SATISFACTORY EXPLANATION.

ONE of the curiosities some time since shown at a public exhibition, professed to be a skull of Oliver Cromwell. A gentleman present observed that it could not be Cromwell's, as he had a very large head, and this was a small skull. "O, I know all that," said the exhibitor, undisturbed, "but you see this was his skull when _he was a boy_."

MDLXXVI.--"I TAKES 'EM AS THEY COME."

A CANTAB, one day observing a _ragamuffin-looking_ boy scratching his head at the door of Alderman Purchase, in Cambridge, where he was begging, and thinking to pass a joke upon him, said, "So, Jack, you are picking them out, are you?"--"_Nah, sar_," retorted the urchin; "I _takes_ 'em as they come!"

MDLXXVU.--A CLIMAX.

THE late Earl Dudley wound up an eloquent tribute to the virtues of a deceased Baron of the Exchequer with this pithy peroration: "He was a good man, an excellent man. He had the best _melted butter_ I ever tasted in my life."

MDLXXVIII.--BLANK CARTRIDGE.

EPIGRAM on the occasion of the duel between Tom Moore, the poet, and Francis Jeffrey:--

When Anacreon would fight, as the poets have said, A reverse he displayed in his vapor, For while all his poems were loaded with lead, His pistols were loaded with paper. For excuses, Anacreon old custom may thank, Such a _salvo_ he should not abuse; For the cartridge, by rule, is always made blank, Which is fired away at _Reviews_.

MDLXXIX.--SERMONS IN STONES.

THE Duke of Wellington having had his windows broken by the mob, continued to have boards before the windows of his house in Piccadilly. "Strange that the Duke will not renounce his political errors," said A'Beckett, "seeing that _no pains have been spared_ to convince him of them."

MDLXXX.--EARLY HABITS.

THERE was in Wilkes's time a worthy person, who had risen from the condition of a bricklayer to be an alderman of London. Among other of his early habits, the civic dignitary retained that of eating everything with his fingers. One day a choice bit of turbot having repeatedly escaped from his grasp, Wilkes, who witnessed the dilemma, whispered, "My lord, you had better take your _trowel_ to it."

MDLXXXI.--LAW AND THE SCOTTISH THANE.

DURING the representation of "Macbeth," an eminent special pleader graced the boxes of Drury Lane Theatre, to see it performed. When the hero questions the _Witches_, as to what they are doing: they answer, "a deed without a name." Our counsellor, whose attention was at that moment directed more to Coke upon Littleton than to Shakespeare, catching, however, the words in the play, repeated, "A _deed_ without a _name_! why, 't is _void_."

MDLXXXII.--NOT TO BE BELIEVED.

THE following lines were addressed to a gentleman notoriously addicted to the vice which has been euphemistically described as "the postponement of the truth for the purposes of the moment":--

Whoe'er would learn a fact from you, Must take you by contraries; What you deny, _perhaps_ is true; But nothing that you _swear_ is.

MDLXXXIII.--A REASON FOR POLYGAMY.

AN Irishman was once brought up before a magistrate, charged with marrying six wives. The magistrate asked him how he could be so hardened a villain? "Please your worship," says Paddy, "I was just trying to _get a good one_."

MDLXXXIV.--BYRON LIBELLOUS.

THE conversation at Holland House turning on first love, Thomas Moore compared it to a potato, "because it shoots from the eyes."--"Or rather," exclaimed Lord Byron, "because it becomes less by _pairing_."

MDLXXXV.--A TERRIBLE POSSIBILITY.

AN acquaintance remarked to Dr. Robert South, the celebrated preacher at the court of Charles the Second, "Ah! doctor, you are such a wit!" The doctor replied, "Don't make game of people's infirmities: _you_, sir, might have been born a wit!"

MDLXXXVI.--ATTIRED TO TIRE.

SIR JOSEPH JEKYLL wrote the following impromptu, on observing a certain sergeant, well known for his prosiness, bustling into the Court of King's Bench, where he was engaged in a case:--

Behold the sergeant full of fire, Long shall his hearers rue it; His purple garments _came from Tyre_, His arguments _go to it_.

MDLXXXVII.--A SMALL JOKE.

MR. DALE, who it would appear was a short stout man, had a person in his employment named Matthew, who was permitted that familiarity with his master which was so characteristic of the former generation. One winter day, Mr. Dale came into the counting-house, and complained that he had fallen on the ice. Matthew, who saw that his master was not much hurt, grinned a sarcastic smile. "I fell all my length," said Mr. Dale. "_Nae great length_, sir," said Matthew. "Indeed, Matthew, ye need not laugh," said Mr. Dale, "I have hurt the sma' of my back."--"I wunner whaur _that_ is," said Matthew.

MDLXXXVIII.--A VAIN THREAT.

"MR. BROWN, I owe you a grudge, remember that!"--"I shall not be frightened then, for I never knew you to _pay_ anything that you owe."

MDLXXXIX.--POOR LAW.

"PRAY, my lord," asked a fashionable lady of Lord Kenyon, "what do you think my son had better do in order to succeed in the law?"--"Let him spend all his money: marry a rich wife, and spend all hers: and when he has _not got a shilling_ in the world, let him attack the law." Such was the advice of an old Chief Justice.

MDXC.--CAUSE AND EFFECT.

IT is too true that there are many patriots, who, while they bleat about the "_cause_ of liberty," act in so interested a manner that they are evidently looking more after the _effects_.

MDXCI.--A FAIR DISTRIBUTION.

WHEN the British ships under Lord Nelson were bearing down to attack the combined fleet off Trafalgar, the first lieutenant of the "Revenge," on going round to see that all hands were at quarters, observed one of the men,--an Irishman,--devoutly kneeling at the side of his gun. So very unusual an attitude exciting his surprise and curiosity he asked the man if he was afraid. "Afraid," answered the tar, "no, your honor; I was only praying that the enemy's shot may be distributed in the same proportion _as the prize-money_,--the greatest part _among the officers_."

MDXCII.--SOMETHING SHARP.

WHEN we heard ---- say a thing of some acidity the other night in the House of Commons, the honorable member reminded us of a calf's head with a lemon in it.--G. A'B.

MDXCIII.--AN AFFECTIONATE HINT.

A NAMESAKE of Charles Fox having been hung at Tyburn, the latter inquired of George Selwyn whether he had attended the execution? "No," was his reply, "I make a point of never attending _rehearsals_!"

MDXCIV.--A SIMILE.

VANE'S speeches to an hour-glass, Do some resemblance show; Because the longer time they run, The shallower they grow!

MDXCV.--A WIDE DIFFERENCE.

ROWLAND HILL rode a great deal, and exercise preserved him in vigorous health. On one occasion, when asked by a medical friend what physician and apothecary he employed, to be always so well, he replied, "My physician has always been a _horse_, and my apothecary an _ass_!"

MDXCVI.--ASPIRING POVERTY.

A ROMAN Catholic prelate requested Pugin, the architect, to furnish designs, etc., for a new church. It was to be "_very_ large, _very_ handsome, and _very_ cheap"; the parties purposing to erect being "very poor; in fact, having only £----."--"Say _thirty shillings_ more," replied the astonished architect, "and have a tower and spire at once!"

MDXCVII.--A TENDER SUGGESTION.

A BEGGAR in Dublin had been long besieging an old, gouty, testy gentleman, who roughly refused to relieve him. The mendicant civilly replied, "I wish your honor's _heart was as tender as your toes_."

MDXCVIII.--SUDDEN FREEDOM.

A NATION grown free in a single day is a child born with the limbs and the vigor of a man, who would take a drawn sword for his rattle, and set the house in a blaze, that he might chuckle over the splendor.--S.S.

MDXCIX.--EPIGRAM.

THY flattering picture, Phryne, 's like to thee Only in this, that you both painted be.

MDC.--ANSWERING HER ACCORDING TO HER FOLLY.

A LADY having put to Canning the silly question, "Why have they made the spaces in the iron gate at Spring Gardens so narrow?" he replied, "O, ma'am, because such _very fat people used to go through_" (a reply concerning which Tom Moore remarked that "the person who does not relish it can have no perception of real wit").

MDCI.--THE SUN IN HIS EYE.

LORD PLUNKETT had a son in the Church at the time the Tithe Corporation Act was passed, and warmly supported the measure. Some one observed, "I wonder how it is that so sensible a man as Plunkett _cannot see_ the imperfections in the Tithe Corporation Act!"--"Pooh! pooh!" said Norbury, "the reason's plain enough; he has _the sun (son) in his eye_."

MDCII.--A BRIGHT REJOINDER.

AN Englishman paying an Irish shoeblack with rudeness, the "dirty urchin" said, "My honey, all the _polish_ you have is upon your boots and I gave you that."

MDCIII.--WELL TURNED.

ON the formation of the Grenville administration, Bushe, who had the reputation of a waverer, apologized one day for his absence from court, on the ground that he was _cabinet-making_. The chancellor maliciously disclosed the excuse on his return. "O, indeed, my lord, that is an occupation in which my friend would distance me, as I was never a _turner_ or a _joiner_."

MDCIV.--A QUICK LIE.

A CONCEITED coxcomb, with a very patronizing air, called out to an Irish laborer, "Here, you bogtrotter, come and tell me the greatest lie you can, and I'll treat you to a jug of whiskey-punch."--"By my word," said Pat, "an' yer honor's a _gintleman_!"

MDCV.--A MERRY THOUGHT.

THEY cannot be complete in aught Who are not humorously prone; A man without a merry thought Can hardly have a funny bone.

MDCVI.--AN IMPUDENT WIT.

HOOK one day walking in the Strand with a friend, had his attention directed to a very pompous gentleman, who strutted along as if the street were his own. Instantly leaving his companion, Hook went up to the stranger and said, "I beg your pardon sir, but pray may I ask,--_are you anybody in particular_?" Before the astonished magnifico could collect himself so as to reply practically or otherwise to the query, Hook had passed on.

MDCVII.--WEARING AWAY.

A SCHOOLMASTER said of himself: "I am like a _hone_, I sharpen a number of _blades_, but I wear myself in doing it."

MDCVIII.--A PERTINENT QUESTION.

JUDGE JEFFREYS, of notorious memory (pointing with his cane to a man who was about to be tried), said, "There is a great rogue at the end of my cane." The man pointed at, inquired, "_At which end_, my lord?"

MDCIX.--A BASE JOKE.

A GENTLEMAN one day observed to Henry Erskine, that punning was the _lowest_ of wit. "It is," answered Erskine, "and therefore the _foundation_ of all wit."

MDCX.--A WIDE-AWAKE MINISTER.

LORD NORTH'S good humor and readiness were of admirable service to him when the invectives of his opponents would have discomforted a graver minister. He frequently indulged in a real or seeming slumber. On one occasion, an opposition debater, supposing him to be napping, exclaimed, "Even now, in these perils, the noble lord is asleep!"--"I wish _I was_," suddenly interposed the weary minister.

MDCXI.--ON CARDINAL WOLSEY.

BEGOT by butchers, but by bishops bred, How high his honor holds his haughty head!

MDCXII.--NOT FINDING HIMSELF.

"HOW do you find yourself to-day," said an old friend to Jack Reeve, as he met him going in dinner costume to the city. "Thank you," he replied, "the Lord Mayor _finds me_ to-day."

MDCXIII.--A WITTY PROPOSITION.

SHERIDAN, being on a parliamentary committee, one day entered the room as all the members were seated and ready to commence business. Perceiving no empty seat, he bowed, and looking round the table with a droll expression of countenance, said: "Will any gentleman _move_ that I may take the _chair_?"

MDCXIV.--A WARM MAN.

A MAN with a scolding wife, being asked what his occupation was, replied that he kept a _hot-house_.

MDCXV.--LONG AGO.

A LADY, who was very submissive and modest before marriage, was observed by a friend to use her tongue pretty freely after. "There was a time," he remarked, "when I almost imagined she had _no tongue_."--"Yes," said the husband, with a sigh, "but it's very _very long_ since!"

MDCXVI.--AN UNLIKELY RESULT.

WHEN Sir Thomas More was brought a prisoner to the Tower, the lieutenant, who had formerly received many favors from him, offered him "suche poore cheere" as he had; to which the ex-chancellor replied, "Assure yourself, master lieutenant, I do not mislike my cheer; but whensoever so I do, _then thrust me out of your doors_."

MDCXVII.--POLITICAL LOGIC.

IF two decided negatives will make Together one affirmative, let's take P----t's and L----t's, each a rogue _per se_, Who by this rule an honest pair will be.

MDCXVIII.--A WISE DECISION.

A GENTLEMAN going to take water at Whitehall stairs, cried out, as he came near the place, "Who can swim?"--"I, master," said forty bawling mouths; when the gentleman observing one slinking away, called after him; but the fellow turning about, said, "Sir, I cannot swim,"--"Then you are my man," said the gentleman, "for you will at least _take care of me for your own sake_."

MDCXIX.--A POINT NEEDING TO BE SETTLED.

A SCOTTISH minister being one day engaged in visiting some members of his flock, came to the door of a house where his gentle tapping could not be heard for the noise of contention within. After waiting a little he opened the door and walked in, saying, with an authoritative voice, "I should like to know who is the head of this house?"--"Weel, sir," said the husband and father, "if ye sit doon a wee, we'll maybe be able to tell ye, for we're _just trying to settle that point_."

MDCXX.--A POOR LAUGH.

CURRAN was just rising to cross-examine a witness before a judge who was familiar with the dry-as-dust black-letter law books, but could never comprehend a jest, when the witness began to laugh before the learned counsel had asked him a question. "What are you laughing at, friend," said Curran, "what are you laughing at? Let me tell you that a laugh without a joke is like--is like--"--"Like what, Mr. Curran," asked the judge, imagining he was at fault. "Just exactly, my lord, like a _contingent remainder_ without any particular _estate_ to support it."

MDCXXI.--AN ANTICIPATED CALAMITY.

ON the departure of Bishop Selwyn for his diocese, New Zealand, Sydney Smith, when taking his leave of him, said: "Good by, my dear Selwyn; I hope you will not _disagree_ with the man who eats you!"

MDCXXII.--MATRIMONY.

"MY dear, what makes you always yawn?" The wife exclaimed, her temper gone, "Is home so dull and dreary?" "Not so, my love," he said, "Not so; But man and wife are _one_, you know; And when _alone_ I'm weary!"

MDCXXIII.--DRY, BUT NOT THIRSTY.

CURRAN, conversing with Sir Thomas Turton, happened to remark that he could never speak in public for a quarter of an hour without moistening his lips; to which Sir Thomas replied that, in that respect, he had the advantage of him: "I spoke," said he, "the other night in the House of Commons for five hours, on the Nabob of Oude, and never felt in the least thirsty."--"It _is_ very remarkable indeed" rejoined Curran, "for every one agrees that was the _driest_ speech of the session."

MDCXXIV.--SHAKESPEARIAN GROG.

AS for the brandy, "nothing extenuate,"--and the water, "put naught in, in malice."

MDCXXV.--A JURY CASE.

CURRAN, speaking of his loss of business in the Court of Chancery caused by Lord Clare's hostility to him, and of the consequent necessity of resuming _nisi prius_ business, said: "I had been under full sail to fortune; but the tempest came, and nearly wrecked me, and ever since I have been only bearing up under _jury_-masts."

MDCXXVI.--SOMETHING TO BE GRATEFUL FOR.

LORD ALVANLEY, after his duel with young O'Connell, gave a guinea to the hackney-coachman who had driven him to and from the scene of the encounter. The man, surprised at the largeness of the sum, said, "My Lord, I only took you to--" Alvanley interrupted him with, "My friend, the guinea is for _bringing me back_, not for taking me out."

MDCXXVII.--"THE RULING PASSION STRONG IN DEATH."

A DYING miser sent for his solicitor, and said, "Now begin, and I will dictate particulars."--"I give and I bequeath," commenced the man of law. "No, no," interrupted the testator; "I do nothing of the kind; I will never give or bequeath anything: I cannot do it."--"Well, then," suggested the attorney, after some consideration, "suppose you say, 'I _lend_, until the last day?'"--"Yes, yes, _that will do_," eagerly rejoined the miser.

MDCXXVIII.--AN ENDLESS TASK.

WHO seeks to please all men each way, And not himself offend, He may begin his work to-day, But who knows when he'll end?

MDCXXIX.--PROFESSIONAL RECOGNITION.

MISS KELLY standing one day in the street, enjoying the vagaries of punch with the rest of the crowd, the showman came up to her and solicited a contribution. She was not very ready in answering the demand, when the fellow, taking care to make her understand that he knew who she was, exclaimed, "Ah! it's all over with the _drama_, if we don't encourage one another."

MDCXXX.--A CELESTIAL VISION.

QUIN, being asked by a lady why there were more women in the world than men, replied, "It is in conformity with the other arrangements of Nature, madam; we always see more of _heaven than earth_."

MDCXXXI.--DESTITUTION OF THE SMITH FAMILY.

ONE morning a pompous little man called upon Sydney Smith, saying that, being about to compile a history of distinguished families in Somersetshire, he had called to obtain the Smith _arms_. "I regret, sir," said the reverend wit, "not to be able to contribute to so valuable a work; but _the Smiths_ never had any _arms_, and have invariably sealed their letters with their _thumbs_."

MDCXXXII.--UNCIVIL WARNING.

A CELEBRATED professor, dining in company with a gaudy, discordant, and silly chatterer, was asked to help her to the usual concomitant of boiled fowl. As he did so, he abstractedly murmured, "Parsley,--_fatal to parrots_."

MDCXXXIII.--AN INEVITABLE MISFORTUNE.

WHEN Boswell was first introduced to Dr. Johnson, he apologized to him for being a Scotchman. "I find," said he, "that I am come to London at a bad time, when great popular prejudice has gone forth against us North Britons; but when I am talking to you, I am talking to a large and liberal mind, and you know that I cannot _help coming from Scotland_."--"Sir," replied the doctor, archly, "_no more_ can the rest of your countrymen."

MDCXXXIV.--DONE FOR.

TWO gentlemen were lately examining the breast of a plough on a stall in a market-place. "I'll bet you a crown," said one, "you don't know what it's for."--"Done," said the other. "_It is for sale_." The bet was paid.

MDCXXXV.--A PROBLEM FOR TOTAL ABSTAINERS.

THOMAS HOOD says: "Puny draughts can hardly be called drinking. _Pints_ cannot be deemed _pot_ations."

MDCXXXVI.--THE DOG TAX.

BROWN drops in. Brown is said to be the toady of Jones. When Jones has the influenza, Brown dutifully catches cold in the head. Douglas Jerrold remarked to Brown, "Have you heard the rumor that's flying about town?"--"No."--"Well, they say that Jones _pays the dog-tax for you_."

MDCXXXVII.--A PUN WITH AN IRISH ACCENT.

HOOD described a good church minister as "Piety _parsonified_."

MDCXXXVIII.--A NEW WAY WITH ATTORNEYS.

ONE day a simple farmer, who had just buried a rich relation, an attorney, was complaining of the great expense of a funeral cavalcade in the country. "Why, do you _bury_ your attorneys here?" asked Foote. "Yes, to be sure we do: how else?"--"O, we never do that in London."--"No?" said the other, much surprised; "how do you manage, then?"--"Why, when the patient happens to die, we lay him out in a room over night by himself, lock the door, throw open the window, and in the morning he is gone."--"Indeed!" exclaimed the farmer, with amazement; "what becomes of him?"--"Why, that we cannot exactly tell; all we know is, there's _a strong smell of brimstone in the room the next morning_."

MDCXXXIX.--THE DOUBT EXPLAINED.

A MAN with a very short nose was continually ridiculing another, whose nose was remarkably long. The latter said to him one day, "You are always making observations upon _my nose_; perhaps you think it was made at the _expense_ of yours."

MDCXL.--A YOKSHIRE BULL.

A YORKSHIRE clergyman, preaching for the Blind Asylum, began by gravely remarking: "If all the world were blind, what a melancholy _sight_ it would be!"

MDCXLI.--A ONE-SIDED JOKE.

A LADY requested her husband's permission to wear _rouge_. "I can give you permission, my dear," he replied, "only for _one_ cheek."

MDCXLII.--TWO CURES FOR AGUE.

BISHOP BLOMFIELD, when presiding over the diocese of London, had occasion to call the attention of the Essex incumbents to the necessity of residing in their parishes; and he reminded them that curates were, after all, of the same flesh and blood as rectors, and that the residence which was possible for the one, could not be quite impossible for the other. "Besides," added he, "there are two well-known preservatives against ague; the one is, a _good deal of care_ and a _little port wine_; the other, a _little care_ and a _good deal of port wine_. I prefer the former; but if any of the clergy prefer the _latter_, it is at all events a remedy which _incumbents_ can afford better than _curates_."

MDCXLIII.--A QUESTION OF DESCENT.

A YORKSHIRE nobleman, who was fond of boasting of his Norman descent, said to one of his tenants, whom he thought was not addressing him with proper respect: "Do you know, fellow, that my ancestors came over with William the Conqueror?"--"And, perhaps," retorted the sturdy Saxon, "they _found mine here_ when they comed."

MDCXLIV.--PLEASANT FOR A FATHER.

A LAIRD'S eldest son was rather a simpleton. Laird says, "I am going to send the young laird abroad."--"What for?" asks the tenant. Laird answered, "To see the world." Tenant replied, "But lordsake, laird, will no the world see _him_?"

MDCXLV.--A RULE OF PRACTICE.

IT was said of a Bath physician, that he could not prescribe even for himself without a _fee_, and therefore, when unwell, he took a guinea out of one pocket and put it _into the other_.

MDCXLVI.--WITS AGREEING.

WHEN Foote was one day lamenting his growing old, a _pert_ young fellow asked him what he would give to be as _young_ as he. "I would be content," cried Foote, "to be as _foolish_." Jerrold made a similar reply to an empty-headed fellow who boasted of never being seasick. "Never!" said Douglas; "then I'd almost have your head with your stomach."

MDCXLVII.--LITERARY PASTIME.

ONCE a gentleman, who had the marvellous gift of shaping a great many things out of orange-peel, was displaying his abilities at a dinner-party before Theodore Hook and Mr. Thomas Hill, and succeeded in counterfeiting a pig. Mr. Hill tried the same feat; and, after destroying and strewing the table with the peel of a dozen oranges, gave it up, with the exclamation, "Hang the pig! I _can't_ make him."--"Nay, Hill," exclaimed Hook, glancing at the mess on the table, "you have done more; instead of one pig, you have made a _litter_."

MDCXLVIII.--A FREE TRANSLATION.

MANNERS, who had himself but lately been made Earl of Rutland, told Sir Thomas More "he was too much elated with his preferment; that he verified the old proverb, 'Honores mutant mores.'"--"No, my lord," said Sir Thomas, "the pun will do much better in English, 'Honors _change_ Manners.'"

MDCXLIX.--AN EQUIVOCAL PREFERENCE.

A GENTLEMAN was describing to Douglas Jerrold the story of his courtship and marriage,--how his wife had been brought up in a convent, and was on the point of taking the veil, when his presence burst upon her enraptured sight, and she accepted him as her husband. Jerrold listened to the end of the story, and then quietly remarked, "Ah! she evidently thought you better than _nun_."

MDCL.--RECIPROCAL ACTION.

A VERY fat man, for the purpose of quizzing his doctor, asked him to prescribe for a complaint, which he declared was sleeping with his mouth open. "Sir," said the doctor, "your disease is incurable. Your skin is _too short_, so that when you shut your eyes your mouth opens."

MDCLI.--ACRES AND WISEACRES.

A WEALTHY but weak-headed barrister once remarked to Curran that "No one should be admitted to the Bar who had not an independent landed property."--"May I ask, sir," replied Curran, "how many acres make a _wise-acre_?"

MDCLII.--AN UNEQUAL ARRANGEMENT.

TWO young Irishmen, wishing to live cheaply, and to divide their expenses, agreed the one to _board_, and the other to _lodge_.

MDCLIII.--A REASON FOR BEING TOO LATE.

CANNING and another gentleman were looking at a picture of the Deluge: the ark was in the middle distance; in the fore-sea an elephant was seen struggling with his fate. "I wonder," said the gentleman, "that the elephant did not secure _an inside_ place."--"He was too late, my friend," replied Canning; "he was detained _packing up his trunk_."

MDCLIV.--COOL AS A CUCUMBER.

SOME one was mentioning in Lamb's presence the cold-heartedness of the Duke of Cumberland, in restraining the duchess from rushing up to the embrace of her son, whom she had not seen for a considerable time, and insisting on her receiving him in state. "How horribly _cold_ it was," said the narrator. "Yes," replied Lamb, in his stuttering way; "but you know he is the, Duke of _Cu-cum-ber-land_."

MDCLV.--AN AMPLE APOLOGY.

A CLERGYMAN at Cambridge preached a sermon which one of his auditors commended. "Yes," said the gentleman to whom it was mentioned, "it was a good sermon, but he stole it." This was repeated to the preacher, who resented it, and called on the gentleman to retract. "I will," replied the aggressor. "I said you had stolen the sermon. I find I was wrong, for on referring to the book whence I thought it was taken, _I found it there_."

MDCLVI.--FUNERAL INVITATION.

SIR BOYLE ROACH had a servant who was as great an original as his master. Two days after the death of the baronet, this man waited upon a gentleman, who had been a most intimate friend of Sir Boyle, for the purpose of telling him that the time at which the funeral was to have taken place had been changed. "Sir," says he, "my master _sends his compliments_ to you, and he won't be buried till to-morrow evening."

MDCLVII.--A SUPERFLUOUS SCRAPER.

FOOTE, being annoyed by a poor fiddler straining harsh discord under his window, sent him out a shilling, with a request that he would play elsewhere, as _one scraper at the door_ was sufficient.

MDCLVIII.--COMPARATIVE VIRTUE.

A SHOPKEEPER at Doncaster had for his virtues obtained the name of the _little rascal_. A stranger asked him why this appellation had been given to him. "To distinguish me from the rest of my trade," quoth he, "who are all _great rascals_."

MDCLIX.--GARTH AND ROWE.

DOCTOR GARTH, who used frequently to go to the Wit's Coffee House, the Cocoa-Tree, in St. James's Street, was sitting there one morning conversing with two persons of rank, when Rowe, the poet, who was seldom very attentive to his dress and appearance, but still insufferably vain of being noticed by persons of consequence, entered. Placing himself in a box nearly opposite to that in which the doctor sat, he looked constantly round with a view of catching his eye; but not succeeding, he desired the waiter to ask him for his snuff-box, which he knew to be a valuable one, set with diamonds, and the present of some foreign prince. After taking a pinch, he returned the box, but asked for it again so repeatedly, that Garth, who knew him well, perceived the drift, and taking from his pocket a pencil, wrote on the lid the two Greek characters, [Greek: Ph R] (phi, rho) _Fie! Rowe!_ The poet was so mortified, that he quitted the room immediately.

MDCLX.--A SECRET DISCOVERED.

'T IS clear why Twister, wretched rat, Always abuses in his chatter: He's truly such a thorough flat, We can't expect to see him _flatter_.

MDCLXI.--INTERESTED INQUIRY.

AN attorney-general politely inquired after the health of a distinguished judge. "Mr. Attorney," was the reply, "_I am in horrible good health at present_."

MDCLXII.--A BEARABLE PUN.

AN illiterate vendor of beer wrote over his door at Harrogate, "_Bear_ sold here."--"He spells the word quite correctly," said Theodore Hook, "if he means to apprise us that the article is his own _Bruin_."

MDCLXIII.--CITY GLUTTON.

THE celebrated John Wilkes attended a City dinner not long after his promotion to city honors. Among the guests was a noisy vulgar deputy, a great glutton, who, on his entering the dinner-room, always with great deliberation took off his wig, suspended it on a pin, and with due solemnity put on a white cotton nightcap. Wilkes, who certainly was a high-bred man, and never accustomed to similar exhibitions, could not take his eyes from so strange and novel a picture. At length the deputy, with unblushing familiarity, walked up to Wilkes, and asked him whether he did not think that his nightcap became him. "O, yes, sir," replied Wilkes, "but it would look much better if it was pulled quite _over_ your face."

MDCLXIV.--A PRETTY REPLY.

LORD MELBOURNE, inspecting the kitchen of the Reform Club, jocosely remarked to Alexis Soyer, _chef de cuisine_, that his female assistants were all very pretty. "Yes, my lord," replied Soyer; "_plain_ cooks will not do here."

MDCLXV.--A CONVENIENT THEORY.

AT charity meetings, one Mould always volunteered to go round with the hat, but was suspected of sparing his own pocket. Overhearing one day a hint to that effect, he made the following speech: "Other gentlemen puts down what they thinks proper, and so does I. Charity's a private concern, and what I gives is _nothing to nobody_."

MDCLXVI.--BUT ONE GOOD TRANSLATION.

DRYDEN'S translation of Virgil being commended by a right reverend bishop, Lord Chesterfield said, "The original is indeed excellent; but everything suffers by a _translation_,--except a _bishop_!"

MDCLXVII.--PHILIP, EARL OF STANHOPE.

PHILIP, Earl of Stanhope, whose dress always corresponded with the simplicity of his manners, was once prevented from going into the House of Peers, by a doorkeeper who was unacquainted with his person. Lord Stanhope was resolved to get into the House without explaining who he was; and the doorkeeper, equally determined on his part, said to him, "Honest man, you have no business here. _Honest man_ you _can_ have no business _in this place_."--"I believe," rejoined his lordship, "you are right; _honest men_ can have no business here."

MDCLXVIII.--RIGID IMPARTIALITY.

SYDNEY SMITH, calling one day upon a fellow contributor to the _Edinburgh Review_, found him reading a book preparatory to writing an account of it, and expostulated with him. "Why, how do you manage?" asked his friend. "I never," said the wit, "read a book _before_ reviewing it; _it prejudices one so_."

MDCLXIX.--WHITBREAD'S ENTIRE.

ON the approach of the election at Westminster, when Earl Percy was returned, Mr. Denis O'Brien, the agent of Mr. Sheridan, said, that "there were thousands in Westminster who would sooner vote for the Duke of Northumberland's porter, than give their support to a man of talent and probity, like Mr. Sheridan." Mr. Whitbread, alarmed for the interests of Mr. S. by the intemperate language of his agent, wished him to take some public notice of it in the way of censure; but Sheridan only observed, "that to be sure his friend O'Brien was wrong and intemperate, as far as related to the Duke of Northumberland's porter; though he had no doubt there were thousands in Westminster who would give the preference to Mr. Whitbread's _entire_."

MDCLXX.--A FOOL AND HIS MONEY.

A YOUNG spendthrift being apprised that he had given a shilling when sixpence would have been enough, remarked that "He knew no difference between a _shilling_ and _sixpence_."--"But you will, young gentleman," an old economist replied, "when you come to be _worth eighteen-pence_."

MDCLXXI.--A GRIM JOKE.

DANIEL DEFOE said there was only this difference between the fates of Charles the First and his son James the Second,--that the former's was a _wet_ martyrdom, and the other's a _dry one_.

MDCLXXII.--INSURANCE ASSURANCE.

THE collector in a country church, where a brief was read for a sufferer from fire, flattered himself that he had been unusually successful in the collection, as he fancied he saw an agent to one of the fire-offices put a note into the box. On examining the contents, however, he found that the note had not issued from any bank, but merely bore these admonitory words, "Let them _insure_, as they wish to be saved."

MDCLXXIII.--GENUINE LAZINESS.

A YOUNG farmer, inspecting his father's concerns in the time of hay-harvest, found a body of the mowers asleep, when they should have been at work. "What is this?" cried the youth; "why, me, you are so indolent, that I would give a crown to know which is the most lazy of you."--"I am he," cried the one nearest to him, still stretching himself at his ease. "Here then" said the youth, holding out the money. "O, Master George," said the fellow, folding his arms, "do pray take the trouble of _putting it into my pocket_ for me."

MDCLXXIV.--CUTTING.

A COUNTRY editor thinks that Richelieu, who declared that "The pen was mightier than the sword," ought to have spoken a good word for the "scissors." Jerrold called scissors "an editor's steel-pen."

MDCLXXV.--GONE OUT.

A PERSON calling one day on a gentleman at the west end of the town, where his visits were more frequent than welcome, was told by the servant that her master had gone out. "O, well, never mind, I'll speak to your mistress."--"She's also gone out, sir." The gentleman, not willing to be denied admission, said, as it was a cold day, he would step in, and sit down by the fire a few minutes. "Ah! sir, but it is _gone out_ too," replied the girl.

MDCLXXVI.--A GOOD JUDGE.

"HONESTY is the best policy," said a Scotchman. "I know it, my friend, for _I have tried baith_."

MDCLXXVII.--MR. CHARLES YORKE.

WHEN Mr. Charles Yorke was returned a member for the University of Cambridge, about the year 1770, he went round the Senate to thank those who had voted for him. Among the number was a Mr. P., who was proverbial for having the largest and most hideous face that ever was seen. Mr. Yorke, in thanking him, said, "Sir, I have great reason to be thankful to my friends in general, but confess myself under a particular obligation to _you_ for the _very remarkable countenance_ you have _shown_ me upon this occasion."

MDCLXXVIII.--THE SALIC LAW

IS a most sensible and valuable law, banishing gallantry and chivalry from Cabinets, and preventing the amiable antics of grave statesmen.

MDCLXXIX.--CHARLES JAMES FOX.

AFTER Byron's engagement in the West Indies, there was a great clamor about the badness of the ammunition. Soon after this, Mr. Fox had a duel with Mr. Adam. On receiving that gentleman's ball, and finding that it had made but little impression, he exclaimed, "Egad, Adam, it had been all over with me, if you had not charged with _government powder_!"

MDCLXXX.--PREFERMENT.

AMONG the daly inquirers after the health of an aged Bishop of D----m, during his indisposition, no one was more sedulously punctual than the Bishop of E----r; and the invalid seemed to think that other motives than those of anxious kindness might contribute to this solicitude. One morning he ordered the messenger to be shown into his room, and thus addressed him: "Be so good as present my compliments to my Lord Bishop, and tell him that I am better, much better; but that the Bishop of W----r has got a sore throat, arising from a bad cold, _if that will do_."

MDCLXXXI.--COMPLIMENTARY.

A GENTLEMAN dining at an hotel, was annoyed by a stupid waiter continually coming hovering round the table, and desired him to retire. "Excuse me, sir," said Napkin, drawing himself up, "but I'm _responsible_ for the silver."

MDCLXXXII.--DR. DONNE.

DR. DONNE, the Dean of St. Paul's, having married a lady of a rich and noble family without the consent of the parents, was treated with great asperity. Having been told by the father that he was to expect no money from him, the doctor went home and wrote the following note to him: "John Donne, Anne Donne, _undone_." This quibble had the desired effect, and the distressed couple were restored to favor.

MDCLXXXIII.--VULGARITY.

SIR WALTER SCOTT once happening to hear his daughter Anne say of something, that it was _vulgar_, gave the young lady the following temperate rebuke: "My love, you speak like a very young lady; do you know, after all, the meaning of this word _vulgar_? 'Tis only _common_; nothing that is common, except wickedness, can deserve to be spoken of in a tone of contempt; and when you have lived to my years, you will be disposed to agree with me in thanking God that nothing really worth having or caring about in this world is _uncommon_."

MDCLXXXIV.--AN EXPENSIVE JOB.

A GENTLEMAN passing a country church while under repair, observed to one of the workmen, that he thought it would be an expensive job. "Why, yes," replied he; "but in my opinion we shall accomplish what our reverend divine has endeavored to do, for the last thirty years, in vain."--"What is that?" said the gentleman. "Why, bring all the parish _to repentance_."

MDCLXXXV.--PROSINESS.

A PROSY old gentleman meeting Jerrold, related a long, limp account of a stupid practical joke, concluding with the information that "he really thought he should have _died_ with laughter."--"I wish to heaven you had," was Jerrold's reply.

MDCLXXXVI.--A PLEASANT MESSAGE.

MR. BARTLEMAN, a celebrated bass-singer, was taken ill, just before the commencement of the musical festival at Gloucester: another basso was applied to, at a short notice, who attended, and acquitted himself to the satisfaction of everybody. When he called on the organist to be paid, the latter thanked him most cordially for the noble manner in which he had sung; and concluded with the following very complimentary and pleasant message: "When you see poor Bartleman, give my best regards _to him_; and tell him how much we _missed him_ during the festival!"

MDCLXXXVII.--EXISTENCE OF MATTER.

AS Berkeley, the celebrated author of the Immaterial Theory, was one morning musing in the cloisters of Dublin College, an acquaintance came up to him, and, seeing him rapt in contemplation, hit him a smart rap on the shoulder with his cane. The dean starting, called out, "_What's the matter_?" His acquaintance, looking him steadily in the face, replied, "_No matter, Berkeley_."

MDCLXXXVIII.--A SAUCY ANSWER.

A BARRISTER attempting to browbeat a female witness, told her she had _brass_ enough to make a saucepan. The woman retorted, "and you have _sauce_ enough to fill it."

MDCLXXXIX.--QUAINT EPITAPH.

DR. FULLER having requested one of his companions to make an epitaph for him, received the following:

"_Here lies Fuller's earth_!"

MDCXC.--AN INHOSPITABLE IRISHMAN.

SIR BOYLE ROACH, the droll of the Irish bar, sent an amusingly equivocal invitation to an Irish nobleman of his acquaintance: "I hope, my Lord, if ever you come within a mile of my house, that you'll _stay there all night_." When he was suffering from an attack of gout, he thus rebuked his shoemaker: "O, you're a precious blockhead to do directly the reverse of what I desired you. I told you to make one of the shoes _larger_ than the other, and instead of that you have made one of them _smaller_ than the other!"

MDCXCI.--GOOD ENOUGH FOR A PIG.

AN IRISH peasant being asked why he permitted his pig to take up its quarters with his family, made an answer abounding with satirical _naïveté_: "Why not? Doesn't the place afford every convenience that _a pig can require_?"

MDCXCII.--FARCICAL.

IN Bannister's time, a farce was performed under the title of "Fire and Water."--"I predict its fate," said he. "What fate?" whispered the anxious author at his side. "What fate!" said Bannister; "why, what can fire and water produce but a _hiss_?"

MDCXCIII.--TOO MUCH AT ONCE.

LORD CHESTERFIELD one day, at an inn where he dined, complained very much that the plates and dishes were very dirty. The waiter, with a degree of pertness, observed, "It is said every one must _eat a peck of dirt_ before he dies."--"That may be true," said Chesterfield, "but no one is obliged to eat it all _at one meal_, you dirty dog."

MDCXCIV.--EPIGRAM.

(On Bishop ----'s Religion.)

THOUGH not a Catholic, his lordship has, 'Tis plain, strong disposition to a-mass (a mass).

MDCXCV.--POSSIBLE CENSORS.

DR. CADOGAN was boasting of the eminence of his profession, and spoke loudly against the injustice of the world, which was so satirical against it; "but," he added, "I have escaped, for no one complains of me."--"That is more than you can tell, doctor," said a lady who was present, "unless you know what people _say in the other world_."

MDCXCVI.--A CONNUBIAL COMPLIMENT.

A LADY, walking with her husband at the seaside, inquired of him the difference between _exportation_ and _transportation_. "Why, my dear," he replied, "if you were on board yonder vessel, leaving England, _you_ would be _exported_, and _I_ should be _transported_!"

MDCXCVII.--DOUBLE SIGHT.

A MAN with one eye laid a wager with another man, that he (the one-eyed person) saw more than the other. The wager was accepted. "You have lost," says the first; "I can see the _two_ eyes in your face, and you can see only _one_ in mine."

MDCXCVIII.--WITTY AT HIS OWN EXPENSE.

SHERIDAN was once asked by a gentleman: "How is it that your name has not an O prefixed to it? Your family is Irish, and no doubt illustrious."--"No family," replied Sheridan, "has a better right to an O than our family; for, in truth, we _owe_ everybody."

MDCXCIX.--A CONVERSATIONAL EPIGRAM.

SAID Bluster to Whimple, "You juvenile fool, Get out of my way, do you hear?" Said Whimple, "A fool did you say? by that rule I'm much _in your way_ as I fear."

MDCC.--A PREVIOUS ENGAGEMENT.

THE late Lord Dudley and Ward was one of the most absent of men. Meeting Sydney Smith one day in the street, he invited him to meet himself! "Dine with me to-day,--dine with me to-day,--I will get Sydney Smith to meet you." The witty canon admitted the temptation held out to him, but said, "_he was engaged with him elsewhere_."

MDCCI.--A ROYAL JEST.

A CAPTAIN, remarkable for his uncommon height, being one day at the rooms at Bath, the late Princess Amelia was struck with his appearance; and being told that he had been originally intended for the Church, "Rather for the _steeple_," replied the royal humorist.

MDCCII.--EXTREMELY SULPHUROUS.

LORD CHESTERFIELD, being told that a certain termagant and scold was married to a gamester, replied, "that _cards and brimstone_ made the best matches."

MDCCIII.--A JOKE FROM THE NORTH.

THE reigning _bore_ at one time in Edinburgh was Professor L----; his favorite subject the _North Pole_. One day the arch tormentor met Jeffrey in a narrow lane, and began instantly on the North Pole. Jeffrey, in despair, and out of all patience, darted past him, exclaiming, "Hang the North Pole!" Sydney Smith met Mr. L---- shortly after, boiling over with indignation at Jeffrey's contempt of the North Pole. "O, my dear fellow," said Sydney, "never mind; no one minds what Jeffrey says, you know; he is a privileged person,--he respects nothing, absolutely nothing. Why, you will scarcely credit it, but it is not more than a week ago that I heard him speak disrespectfully of the _Equator_."

MDCCIV.--MULTIPLYING ONE.

SYDNEY SMITH once said: "I remember entering a room with glass all round it at the French embassy, and saw myself reflected on every side. I took it for a _meeting of the clergy_, and was delighted of course."

MDCCV.--AN AFFIRMATIVE EPIGRAM.

WHEN Julia was asked, if to church she would go, The fair one replied to me, "No, Richard, no." At her meaning I ventured a pretty good guess, For from grammar I learned _No_ and _No_ stood for _Yes_.

MDCCVI.--THE RULING PASSION.

A LADY'S beauty is dear to her at all times. A very lovely woman, worn out with a long and painful sickness, begged her attendants to desist rubbing her temples with Hungary water, _as it would make her hair gray_!

MDCCVII.--INDIFFERENCE TO DEATH.

A PRISONER, who had received notice that he was to die the next morning, was asked by some of his unfortunate companions to share their repast with them. He answered, "I never eat anything that I expect will _not digest_."

MDCCVIII.--SELF-INTEREST.

THOSE who wish to tax anything containing _intelligence_, must be actuated by selfish views, seeing that it is an imposition of which they are not likely to feel _the burden_.

MDCCIX.--ALL THE DIFFERENCE.

A GLASGOW professor met a poor student passing along one of the courts, and remarked to him that his gown was very short. "_It will be long enough before I get another_," answered the student. The reply tickled the professor's fancy so much that he continued in a state of suppressed laughter after passing on. Meeting a brother professor, who asked him what was amusing him so much, he told the story with a slightly varied reading. "I asked that fellow why he had so short a gown, and he answered, _it will be a long time before I get another_."--"Well, there's nothing very funny in that."--"Neither there is," said the professor, "I don't understand how it amused me so much. It must have been something in _the way he said it_."

MDCCX.--FOOTE'S LAST JOKE.

WHEN Foote was on his way to France, for change of air, he went into the kitchen at the inn at Dover, to order a particular dish for dinner. The true English cook boasted that she had never set foot out of her country. On this, the invalid gravely observed, "Why, cookey, that's very extraordinary, as they tell me up stairs that you have been several times _all over grease_!"--"They may tell you what they please above or below stairs," replied the cook, "but I was never ten miles from Dover in my life!"--"Nay, now, that must be a _fib_," says Foote, "for I have myself seen you at _Spithead_!" The next day (October 21, 1777) the exhausted wit "shuffled off this mortal coil."

MDCCXI.--_L'Envoy_.

THERE is so much genuine humor in the following jocular DINNER CODE, that we cannot do better than close our little volume with it.

DINNER CODE.

_Of the Amphitryon.--His Rights._

Art. 1.--The Amphitryon is the king of the table: his empire lasts as long as the meal, and ends with it.

Art. 2.--It is lawful for his glass to exceed in capacity those of his guests.

Art. 3.--He may be lively with his male guests, and gallant towards the females; to such of them as are pretty he may risk a compliment or two, which is sure to be received from him with an approving smile.

_His Duties._

Art. 1.--Fulfilling to the utmost the laws of hospitality, he watches with paternal solicitude over the welfare of the stomachs committed to his care; reassures the timid, encourages the modest, and incites the vigorous appetite.

Art. 2.--He must abstain from praising either his dishes or his wines.

Art. 3.--He is not to take advantage of his situation to utter stale jests or vulgar puns. A careful perusal of "The Jest Book" will be his best security against a violation of this _article_.

Art. 4.--The police of the table belongs of right to him; he should never permit a plate or a glass to be either full or empty.

Art. 5.--On rising from table, he should cast a scrutinizing glance over the glasses. If he sees them not quite emptied, let him take warning by it to choose either his guests or his wine better for the future.

_Of the Guests._

Art. 1.--The first duty of a guest is to arrive at the time named, at whatever inconvenience to himself.

Art. 2.--When the Amphitryon offers any dish to a guest, his only civil way of declining it is by requesting to be helped a second time to that of which he has just partaken.

Art. 3.--A guest who is a man of the world will never begin a conversation until the first course is over; up to that point, dinner is a serious affair, from which the attention of the party ought not to be inconsiderately distracted.

Art. 4.--Whatever conversation is going on ought to be suspended, even in the middle of a sentence, upon the entrance of a _dinde aux truffes_.

Art. 5.--An applauding laugh is indispensable to every joke of the Amphitryon.

Art. 6.--A guest is culpable who speaks ill of his entertainer during the first three hours after dinner. Gratitude should last at least as long as digestion.

Art. 7.--To leave anything on your plate is to insult your host in the person of his cook.

Art. 8.--A guest who leaves the table deserves the fate of a soldier who deserts.

_On Vicinity to Ladies._

Art. 1.--He who sits next to a lady becomes at once her _cavaliere servente_. He is bound to watch over her glass with as much interest as over his own.

Art. 2.--The gentleman owes aid and protection to his fair neighbor in the selection of food; the lady on her part is bound to respect and obey the recommendations of her knight on this subject.

Art. 3.--It is bad taste for the gentleman to advance beyond politeness during the first course; in the second, however, he is bound to be complimentary; and he is at liberty to glide into tenderness with the dessert.

_On Vicinity to Men._

Art. 1.--When two gentlemen sit together, they owe no duties to each other beyond politeness and reciprocal offers of wine and water,--the _last_ offer becomes an error after one refusal.

Art. 2.--On being helped to a dish, you should at once accept any precedence offered you by your neighbor; ceremony serves only to cool the plate in question for both parties.

Art. 3.--If you sit near the Amphitryon, your criticisms on the repast must be conveyed in a whisper; aloud you can do nothing but approve.

Art. 4.--Under no pretext can two neighbors at table be permitted to converse together on their private affairs, unless, indeed, one of them is inviting the other to dinner.

Art. 5.--Two neighbors who understand each other may always get more wine than the rest of the guests; they have only to say by turns to each other, with an air of courtesy, "Shall we take some wine?"

_On Vicinity to Children._

Single Article.--The only course to be pursued, if you have the misfortune to be placed next a child at table, is to make him tipsy as quick as you can, that he may be sent out of the room by Mamma.

_On the Means of reconciling Politeness with Egotism._

Art. 1.--The epicure's serious attention should be fixed upon the articles on the table; he may lavish his politeness, his wit, and his gayety upon the people who sit round it.

Art. 2.--By helping the dish next yourself (should you not dine _à la Russe_) you acquire a right to be helped to any other dish on the table.

Art. 3.--A carver must be very unskilful who cannot, by a little sleight-of-hand, smuggle aside the best morsel of a dish, and thus, when serving himself _last_, serve himself also the _best_.

Art. 4.--Your host's offers are sometimes insincere when they refer to some magnificent dish yet uncut. In such cases you should refuse feebly for yourself, but accept on behalf of the lady next you,--merely out of politeness to her.

Art. 5.--The thigh of all birds, boiled, is preferable to the wing: never lose sight of this in helping ignoramuses or ladies.

INDEX.

PAGE

A. I, 33

Abbey Church at Bath, The, 244

A Bed of--Where?, 238

Abernethy, Mr., 77

Above Proof, 297

Absent Man, An, 116

Absurdly Logical, 319

Acceptable Deprivation, An, 201

Accommodating, 213

Accommodating Physician, An, 180

Accommodating Principles, 153

Accurate Description, 201

Acres and Wiseacres, 355

Act of Justice, An, 147

Actor, 222

Advantageous Tithe, An, 255

Advertisement, Extraordinary, 88

Advice Gratis, 160

Advice to a Dramatist, 199

Advice to the Young, 138

Affectation, 98

Affectionate Hint, An, 344

Aged Young Lady, The, 235

Agreeable and not Complimentary, 71

Agreeable Practice, An, 248

Agricultural Experiences, 184

Alere Flamman, 252

A-Liquid, 140

Allegorical Representation, 310

All the Difference, 5, 367

All the Same, 314

Almanac-makers, 159

Alone in his Glory, 14

Always the Better, 336

Amende Honorable, The, 310

American Penance, 217

Ample Apology, An, 356

Anecdote, An, 86

Anglo-French Alliance, The, 50

Angry Ocean, The, 81

Answered at Once, 288

Answering her According to her Folly, 345

Anticipated Calamity, An, 349

Anticipation, 110

Any Change for the Better, 220

Any Port in a Storm, 57

Apish Resemblance, An, 322

Apt Reproof, An, 307

Arcadia, 24

Arcadian, An, 128

Architectural Pun, An, 61

Argument, An, 125

Artificial Heat, 28

Artistic Touch, An, 171

As Black as he could be painted, 337

Aspiring Poverty, 345

Assurance and Insurance, 228

As You Like It, 87

At his Fingers' Ends, 106

Attending to a Wish, 169

Attic Jest, An 69

Attired to Tire, 343

Audley, The Late Lord, 130

Auricular Confession, 227

Awkward Orthography, 298

"Aye! There's the Rub", 93

BACK-HANDED HIT, A, 209

Bacon, 138

Bad Bargain, A, 131

Bad Company, 166

Bad Crop, A, 18, 58

Bad Customer, A, 96

Bad End, A, 153

Bad Example, A, 1

Bad Habit, 136

Bad Harvest, A, 23

Bad Judge, A, 287

Bad Label, A, 92

Bad Lot, A, 182

Bad Medium, A, 217

Bad Pen, A, 72

Bad Preacher, A, 226

Bad Shot, A, 12

Bad Sport, 146

Balance, A, 233

Balancing Accounts, 66

Banker's Check, A, 17

Barber Shaved by a Lawyer, 305

Bark and Bite, 231

Barry's Powers of Pleasing, 34

Base Joke, A, 347

Base One, A, 97

Bearable Pun, A, 358

Bear and Van, 16

Bearding a Barber, 2

Benefit of Competition, 212

Best Judge, The, 110

Best Wine, The, 193

Better Known than Trusted, 193

Betting, 155

Bewick, the Engraver, 194

Bill Paid in Full, 228

Billy Brown and the Counsellor, 50

Birth of a Prince, The, 178

Bishop and Churchwarden, A, 71

Bishop and his Portmanteau, The, 55

Bit of Moonshine, A, 335

Black and White, 19

Black Joke, A, 159

Black Letter, 101

Black Oils, 18

Blowing a Nose, 55

Book Case, A, 70

Boswell's "Life of Johnson", 154

Braham and Kenney, 237

Bred on the Boards, 162

Brevity, 81

Brevity of Charity, 215

Brief Correspondence, 179

"Brief Let It Be", 210

Bright and Sharp, 63

Bright Rejoinder, A, 346

Bringing his Man Down, 245

Broad-brim Hint, A, 81

Broad Hint, A, 85, 165

Broad-Sheet Hint, A, 75

Broken Head, A, 98

Brotherly Love, 46, 300

Brutal Affections, 67

Budget of Blunders, A, 141

Buried Worth, 56

Burke and Fox, 258

Burke's Tediousness, 270

Business and Pleasure, 326

Busy Bodies, 124

But one Good Translation, 358

Byron Libellous, 342

CABAL, A, 31

Calculation, 105

Calculation, A, 265

Caledonian Comfort, 99

Calf's Head Surprised, 25

Caliban's Looking-glass, 51

Calumny, 220

Cambridge Etiquette, 76

Candid Counsel, A, 156

Candid on both Sides, 222

Candle and Lantern, The, 125

Candor, 73

Canine Poetry, 169

Canning's Parasites, 71

Capital Joke, A, 56

Capital Letter, A, 14

Cap This, 26

Carrots Classically Considered, 222

Cart before the Horse, The, 60

Case of Necessity, A, 189

Cash Payments, 149

Catching him Up, 70

Cause and Effect, 226, 344

Cause of Absence, 40

Cause, The, 158

Cautious Lover, A, 108

Celestial Vision, A, 351

Certain Crop, A, 208

Certainly not Asleep, 109

Certainty, A, 83

Challenging a Jury, 107

Change for a Guinea, 337

Change for the Better, A, 197

Changing Hats, 280

Changing his Coat, 3

Changing his Line, 39

Characteristics, 237

Charitable Wit, 195

Charity and Inconvenience, 326

Charity begins at Home, 312

Charles, Duke of Norfolk, 271

Charles II. and Milton, 192

Chartist not a Leveller, A, 334

Chatham, Lord, 263

Cheap at the Money, 209

Cheap Cure, A, 17

Cheap Watch, A, 168

Check to the King, 22

Cheese and Dessert, 21

Chemical Oddity, 322

Chesterfield, Lord, 37

Chin-Surveying, 280

Choice of Evils, A, 334

Choice Spirits, 180

Church in the Way, The, 246

City Glutton, 358

City Love, 36

City Varnish, A, 61

Claim on the Country, A, 249

Classical Wit, 333

Claw and Claw, 54

Clear Case, A, 122

Clear the Court, 118

Clearing Emigrants, 272

Clerical Wit, 95

Clever Dog, A, 47

Climax, A, 19, 341

Clonmel, Lord, 172

Close Escape, A, 187

Close Translation, A, 317

Closer, A, 313

Coat-of-Arms, A, 211

Cockney Epigram, A, 36

Cold Comfort, 132

"Cold" Compliment, A, 73

Coleridge and Thelwall, 275

College Bell! The, 109

Collins, The late Mr., 24

Colonial Breweries, 313

Colorable Excuse, A, 179

Colorable Resemblance, A, 145

Come of Age, 9

Comedian and a Lawyer, A, 190

Common Case, A, 64

Common Politeness, 195

Common Want, A, 219

Comparative Virtue, 357

Comparison, A, 152, 234, 273

Comparisons are Odious, 2

Complimentary, 4, 362

Compliment, Elegant, 32

Compliment Ill-received, A, 78

Computation, 22

Conceited, but not Seated, 201

Con-cider-ate, 139

Concurrent Events, 134

Conditional Agreement, 315

Confidence, 103, 120

Confidence--taken from the French, 193

Confirmed Invalid, A, 1

Congratulation to One who Curled His Hair, 85

Conjugal Caution, 8

Conjugal Conclusion, A, 282

Connoisseur, The, 7

Connubial Compliment, A, 365

Conservative Logic, 300

Considerable Latitude, 44

Considerate Mayor, A, 292

Considerate Son, A, 89

Consistency, 179

Constancy, 245

Constitutional Pun, A, 4

Contraband Scotchman, 67

Convenient Theory, A, 358

Convert, A, 4

Cooke's Explanation of the Family Plate, 158

Cooking his Goose, 315

Cool as a Cucumber, 356

Cool Hand, A, 85

Cool Proposition, A, 299

Cool Retort, 208

Corporation Politeness, 219

Corruptly Incorruptible, 172

Couleur de Rose, 58

Coulson, Sir Thomas, 232

Credit, 269

Critical Politeness, 30

Criticising a Statue, 152

Critics, 60

Cromwell, 228

Cruel Case, A, 229

Cruel Suggestion, 68

Cup and Saucer, 200

Cut and Come Again, 51

Cut Direct, The, 124

Cut Infernal, The, 103

Cutting, 360

Cutting an Acquaintance, 253

Cutting his Coat, 57

Cutting off the Supplies, 310

Cutting on both Sides, 69

DAMPED ARDOR, 240

Dancing Prelates, The, 226

Dangerous Generalization, A, 243

Dead Language, 110

Deadly Weapon, A, 288

Dear Bargain, A, 323

Dear Speaker, A, 319

Death and Dr. Bolus, 335

Death-bed Forgiveness, 323

Debt Paid, The, 77

Debtor and Creditor, 126

Decanting Extraordinary, 168

Defining a Creed, 335

Degeneracy, 129

Delicate Hint, 130

Delpini's Remonstrance, 144

Democratic Vision, 80

Deserved Retort, A, 64

Destitution of the Smith Family, 351

Devil's Own, The, 229

Dialogue, A, 16

Dialogue in the Western Islands of Scotland, 279

Dido, 86

Difference, A, 4

Difference of Opinion, 277

Difficult Task, A, 188

Difficulties in either Case, 318

Diffidence, 185

Dilemma, A, 168

Dinner Code, 368

Direct Road, The, 197

Disappointing Subscriber, A, 194

Disapprobation, 45

"Distant" Friend, A, 259

Distant Prospect, A, 16

Distressful Denouement, A 300

Doctor Glynn's Receipt for Dressing a Cucumber, 285

Doctor Weather-eye, 59

Doctrine of Chances, The, 15

Dodging a Creditor, 136

Dogged Answer, A, 10

Dog-matic, 27

Dogmatism, 221

Dog Tax, The, 352

Doing Homage, 223

Domestic Economy, 92

Done for, 352

Donne, Dr., 362

Double Knock, A, 116

Double Sight, 365

"Double Times," A, 88

Doubt Explained, The, 353

Doubtful Compliment, A, 31

Doubtful Creed, A, 105

Dreadful Suspicion, A, 328

Drinking Alone, 174

Driving it Home, 113

Droll to Order, 322

Drop, A, 306

Dry, but not Thirsty, 350

Dry Fellow, A, 227

Dry Humor, 337

Dull Man, A, 274

Dulness of a Debate, 162

Dunning and Lord Mansfield, 39

Dunning and Lord Thurlow, 97

Duplex Movement, 58

Dutiful Daughter, A, 309

EARLY BIRDS OF PREY, 261

Early Habits, 342

Easily Answered, 135

Easily Satisfied, 164

East Indian Chaplaincy, An, 245

Easy as Lying, 29

Easy Way, An, 302

Ebenezer Adams, 150

Effort of Memory, An, 163

Elegant Compliment, 32

Elegant Retort, 205

Elliston and George IV., 240

Eloquent Silence, 117

Emperor of China, 48

Empty Gun, The, 113

Empty Head, An, 92

Encouragement, 216

Endless Task, An, 351

Entering the Lists, 236

Entertaining Proposition, An, 318

Envy, 238

EPIGRAMS:-- Accounting for the Apostacy of Ministers, 173 Addressed to Miss Edgeworth, 83 A Good Word for Ministers, 39 An Affirmative, 367 By a Plucked Man, 93 Conversational, 365 "Cumberland", 34 From the Italian, 82 "I'm Living Still", 17 "Life is a Lottery", 90 "Nature" the Shoulder to the Burden suits, 311 On a Bad Man, 47 On a Bald Head, 198 On a certain M.P.'s Indisposition, 196 On a Debtor Lord, 222 On a Gentleman named Heddy, 297 On a Great Talker, 337 On a Jury, 176 On a Lady who Squinted, 79 On a Lady who was Painted, 262 On a Little Member's Versatility, 203 On a New Duke, 37 On a Petit-Maître Physician, 240 On a Squinting Poetess, 315 On a Stone thrown at a very Great Man, but which missed him, 26 On a Student, 232 On Alderman Wood, 224 On an M.P. who recently got his Election at the Sacrifice of his Political Character, 214 On Bank Notes being made a Legal Tender, 53 On Bishop ----'s Religion, 365 On Black and White, 63 On Blank Cartridge, 341 On Bloomfield, the Poet, 291 On Butler's Monument, 340 On Charles Kean, the Actor, 80 On Cibber, 74 On "Disloyal" Collins, 336 On Dr. Glynn's Beauty, 182 On Dr. Lettsom, 290 On Dr. Walcot's Application for Shield's Ivory Opera Pass, 315 On Dr. Walcot's Request for Ivory Tickets, 318 On Drink, 182 On Hearing a prosing Harangue from a certain Bishop, 245 On Interminable Harangues, 76 On Jekyll's nearly being thrown down by a very small Pig, 116 On L--d--d--y, 81 On Lord ----'s delivering his Speeches in a sitting Position, owing to excessive Gout, 121 On Lord E--nb--h's Pericranium, 89 On Lord W----'s saying the Independence of the House of Lords is gone, 193 On Marriage, 170 On Meanness, 117 On Mr. Croker, 111 On Mr. Gully, 234 On Mr. Pitt's being pelted by the Mob, 295 On Mr. Milton, the Livery Stable-keeper, 239 On Neglect of Judicial Duties, 129 On Phryne, 345 On Pride, 101 On Rogers, the Poet, 226 On Shelley's Poem, "Prometheus Unbound", 230 On Sir Walter Scott's Poem of "Waterloo", 304 On the alleged Disinterestedness of a certain Prelate, 109 On the charge of Illegally Pawning brought against Captain B----, M.P., 200 On the Column to the Duke of York's Memory, 29 On the Death of Foote, 81 On the Depth of Lord ----'s Arguments, 88 On the Disappointment of the Whigs, 307 On the Duke of ----'s Consistency, 104 On the Four Georges, 294 On the Immortality of ----'s Speeches, 89 On the King's Double Dealing, 166 On the late Duke of Buckingham's Moderate Reform, 328 On the Marriage of a very thin Couple, 172 On the Name of Keopalani, 153 On the Oiled and Perfumed Ringlets of a certain Lord, 178 On the Price of Admission to see the Mammoth Horse, 266 On the Sincerity of a certain Prelate, 134 On Two Contractors, 316 On the Two Harveys, 247 On Wolsey, 347 On ----'s Ponderous Speeches, 223 On ----'s Veracity, 319 "Pocket your Watch", 131 Suggested by hearing a Debate, 241 The Tanner, 115 "There's Nobody at Home", 65 To Closefist, 303 To Lady Mount E----, 300 "Turncoat", 46 Upon the Trustworthiness of ---- ----, 332 "Very like a Whale", 154 Written on the Union, 1801, 298

Episcopal Sauce, 114

Epitaph for Sir John Vanbrugh, 16

Epitaph on a Miser, 220

Epitaphs, 247

Epitaph upon Peter Staggs, 227

Error Corrected, An, 237

Erskine, Henry, 220, 244

Erskine's Firmness, 327

"Essay on Man", 185

Equal to Nothing, 177

Equality, 52, 156

Equality of the Law, 288

Equitable Law, 290

Equivocal Preference, An, 355

Equivocation, An, 198

Erasmus _v._ Luther, 293

Error in Judgment, 306

Erudite, 302

Euclid Refuted, 162, 333

Evasion, An, 335

Evidence of a Jockey, 75

Exaggeration, 160

Excusable Fear, 275

Excuse for Cowardice, 295

Existence of Matter, 363

Expectoration, 211

Expensive Job, An, 362

Expensive Trip, An, 311

Experimentum Crucis, 324

Explanation, An, 180

Extenuating Circumstances, 119

Extinguisher, An, 12

Extraordinary Compromise, 177

Extreme Simplicity, 87

Extremely Sulphurous, 366

Extremes Meet, 59, 77

Eye to Profit, An, 33

FAIR DISTRIBUTION, A, 344

Fair Play, 204

Fair Proposal, A, 105

Fair Repulse, A, 54

Fair Substitute, A, 4

Fairly Won, 293

Fall in Mitres, A, 23

False Delicacy, 23

False Estimate, 216

False Face True, A, 292

False Quantities, 154

False Quantity, 27

Familiar Friend, A, 329

Familiar Illustration, A, 41

Familiarity, 177

Family Party, A, 25

Family Pride, 74

Farcical, 364

Farmer and Attorney, 44

Farren, the Actor, On, 54

Fashion and Virtue, 329

Fat and Lean, 264

Fatigue Duty, 152

Favorite Air, A, 210

Fear of Educating Women, 140

Feeling His Way, 103

Feeling Witness, A, 59

Female Talkers, 49

Few Friends, 185

Fiction and Truth, 264

Fig for the Grocer, A, 150

Fighting by Measure, 49

Filial Affection, 182

Fillip for Him, A, 18

Fire and Water, 155

Fire of London, The, 31

Fishing for a Compliment, 82

Fishy, Rather, 80

Fixture, A, 74

Flash of Wit, A, 276

Flattery turned to Advantage, 30

Flying Colors, 318

Following a Leader, 78

Fool and His Money, A, 359

Fool Confirmed, A, 252

Fool or Knave, The, 313

Foote, 96

Foote and Lord Townsend, 94

Foote's Last Joke, 368

Footiana, 169

Foraging, 116

Force of Habit, The, 125, 257

Force of Nature, 55

Force of Satire, The, 49

Forcible Argument, A, 276

Foreign Accent, A, 29

Forgetful Man, A, 181

Fortunate Expedient, A, 294

Fortunate Stars, 270

Fowl Joke, A, 311

Fox, Charles James, 361

Free Translation, A, 355

French Language, 109

French Precipitation, 52

Full House, A, 257

Full Inside, 170

Full Proof, 74

Full Stop, A, 264

Funeral Invitation, 356

GAMBLING, 234

Garrick and Foote, 199

Garth and Rowe, 357

Generosity and Prudence, 213

Gently, Jemmy, 151

Genuine Irish Bull, 128

Genuine Laziness, 360

George II. and the Recorder, 106

Getting a Living, 274

"Getting the Worst of It", 340

Gluttons and Epicures, 153

Going from the Point, 335

Going to Extremes, 332

Gone Out, 360

Good Advice, 3, 152, 209, 211

Good at a Pinch, 223

Good Appetite, A, 254

Good at the Halt, 302

Good Authority, 173

Good Character, A, 304

Good Critic, A, 114

Good Enough for a Pig, 364

Good Evidence, 227

Good Example, A, 83

Good Excuse, A, 134

Good Eyes, 274

Good Hearing, 206

Good-hearted Fellow, A, 81

Good Investment, A, 235

Good Jail Delivery, A, 183

Good Joke, A, 210

Good Judge, A, 361

Good Likeness, A, 253

Good Mixture, A, 283

Good Neighbor, A, 197

Good News for the Chancellor, 144

Good One, A, 135

Good Parson, A, 14

Good Place, A, 30

Good Reason, A, 47, 50, 53, 78

Good Reason for a Bad Cause, A, 313

Good Recommendation, A, 266

Good Riddance, 105

Good Servant, A, 66

Good Sport, 65

Good Swimmer, A, 171

Good Translation, A, 138

Good Wife, A, 250

Gouty Shoe, The, 189

Graceful Excuse, 175

Graceful Illustration, A, 230

Grafting, 218

Grammatical Distinction, A, 17

Grandiloquence, 248

Grandson, The, 299

Grave Doctor, A, 18

Great Cabbage, 251

Great Difference, A, 132

Gretna Customer, A, 100

Grim Joke, A, 360

Growl, A, 188

Grunt, A, 312

Guide to Government Situations, A, 59

HABEAS CORPUS ACT, 194

Half-way, 76

Hand and Glove, 21

Handsome Contribution, A, 42

Happiness, 41

Happy Man, A, 121

Happy Suggestion, A, 32

Hard Hit, A, 187

Hard of Digestion, 215

Hard-ware, 221

Having a Call, 258

Heavy Weight, A, 296

He "Lies Like Truth", 21

He who Sung "The Lays of Ancient Rome", 322

Henry VIII., 278

Hero-phobia, 20

Hesitation in his Writing, 59

Hiatus, A, 102

Hic-cupping, 10

High and Low, 36

High Gaming, 215

Highland Politeness, 186

Hinc Ille Lachrymæ, 70

Hint for Genealogists, A, 191

His Way--Out, 188

Hoaxing an Audience, 206

Holland's Funeral, 308

Home Argument, A, 72

Home is Home, 19

Honest Horse, An, 31

Honest Man's Litany, The, 204

Honest Warranty, An, 94

Honor, 311

Honor to Tipperary, An, 338

Hook's Politeness, 127

Hopeful Pupil, The, 124

Hopeless Invasion, A, 322

Horne Tooke and Wilkes, 284

Horse Laugh, A, 7

Horses to Grass, 285

How to Escape Taxation, 238

How to get rid of an Enemy, 261

How to make a Man of Consequence, 168

Howe, Lord, 278

Human Happiness, 64

Humane Society at an Evening Party, The, 191

Humor under Difficulties, 52

Humorist Piqued, A, 339

Husbanding his Resources, 321

Husband's Marriage, On Mr., 120

"I CAN GET THROUGH", 263

Idolatry, 79

Illegal Indorsement, An, 325

Imitation of a Cow, 121

Important to Bachelors, 280

Impossible in the Evening, 254

Impossible Renunciation, An, 191

Impromptu by Counsellor Bushe, 181

Impromptu by R.B. Sheridan, 180

Impromptu on an Apple being thrown at Mr. Cooke, 230

Impromptu--"St. Stephen's Walls", 101

Impromptu--"The Fall of Sparta", 143

Impudent Wit, An, 346

Inadvertence and Epicurism, 286

Incapacity, 241

Inconvenient Breakdown, An, 303

Incredible, 5

Independence, 101

Indifference to Death, 367

Indifference to Life, 274

In-door Relief, 185

Industry and Perseverance, 212

Industry of the English People, 307

Inevitable Misfortune, An, 352

Information easily Acquired, 326

Ingenious Device, An, 196

Ingenious Reply of a Soldier, 37

Ingenuousness, 104

Ingratitude, 58, 283

Inhospitable Irishman, An, 364

In Memoriam, 320

Inquest Extraordinary, 97, 312

Inquest--not Extraordinary, 132

Inquests Extraordinary, 102

Inscription on Inscriptions, An, 2

Insurance Assurance, 360

In Suspense, 27

Interested Inquiry, 357

In the Background, 230

In the Dark, 218

Introductory Ceremony, An, 67

Intruder Rebuked, The, 30

In Want of a Husband, 231

Ireland's Forgery, 134

Irish and Scotch Loyalty, 290

Irish Imprudence, 291

Irishman's Notion of Discount, An, 282

Irishman's Plea, An, 212

Iron Duke, The, 118

"I Takes 'em as they Come", 341

"I've Done the same Thing often", 103

JAMES SMITH AND JUSTICE HOLROYD, 235

Jemmy Gordon, 256

Jest of Ancestry, The, 176

Jew's Eye to Business, A, 286

Johnson and Mrs. Siddons, 128

Johnson, Dr., 190

Johnson, Dr., without Variation, 71

Johnson's, Dr., Opinion of Mrs. Siddons, 197

Joint Concern, A, 46

Joke from the North, A, 366

Jolly Companions, 256

Jonson, Ben, 99

Judge in a Fog, A, 199

Judgment, 262

"Junius" discovered, 11

Jury Case, A, 350

Just as Wonderful, 312

Just Debtor, A, 56

Justice Midas, 332

Justice not always Blind, 144

KEAN'S IMPROMPTU, 100

Keen Reply, 83

Keeping a Conscience, 126

Keeping a Promise, 117

Keeping It to Himself, 333

Keeping Time, 236

Kew, The Way to, 297

Killed by His Own Remedy, 338

Kind Hint, A, 336

Kitchener and Colman, 145

Knotty Point, A, 47

Knowing Best, 183

Knowing His Man, 91, 313

Knowing His Place, 69

LADY ANNE, 120

Lamb and Erskine, 123

Lamb and Sharp Sauce, 212

Lame Beggar, The, 308

Landlord and Tenants, 48

Large, but Not Large Enough, 219

Last Resource, A, 274

"Last War," The, 165

Late and Early, 203

Late Dinner, 112

Late Discoverer, A, 330

Late Edition, A, 15

Latimer, 295

Latin for Cold, The, 123

Latin Gerunds, On the, 135

Law and Physic, 181, 333

Law and the Scottish Thane, 342

Lawyer's House, 149

Lawyer's Opinion of Law, A, 99

Leaving His Verdict, 100

Leg Wit, 182

Legal Adulteration, 147

Legal Extravagance, 249

L'Envoy, 368