Chapter 6

DOCTOR.

DOC. Why, what is the meaning of this? what a disorder! what a quarrel! what a racket! what a row! what a noise! what a dispute! what a combustion! What is the matter, gentlemen? what is the matter? what is the matter? Come, come, is there no way of making you agree, let me be your pacificator; suffer me to bring peace among you.

GOR. It is my son-in-law and my daughter who have had words together.

DOC. But what can it be? Now, come, let me know the cause of their dispute.

GOR. Sir ...

DOC. But in a few words ...

GOR. Yes, yes; but put on your hat.

DOC. Hat; that is bonnet. Do you know what bonnet comes from?

GOR. No.

DOC. It comes from _bonum est, it is good, a thing which is good_, because it saves one from colds and coughs.

GOR. Indeed! I did not know that.

DOC. Now quick, the subject of your quarrel?

GOR. This is what happened.

DOC. I hope you are not a man to keep me long when I pray you not to do so. I have some pressing business which calls me to town; still, if I can bring peace to your family, I am willing to stop a moment.

GOR. I shall soon have done.

DOC. Be quick, then.

GOR. It will be said in a moment.

DOC. We must acknowledge, Mr. Gorgibus, that it is a wonderful gift to be able to say things in a few words, and that great talkers, instead of being heard, become often so wearisome that one cannot listen to them; _virtutem primam esse puta compescere linguam._ Yes, the best quality of an honest man is silence.

GOR. You must know then ...

DOC. There are three things which Socrates used to recommend particularly to his disciples: to be careful of one's actions, to be sober in eating, and to say things in a few words. Begin, Mr. Gorgibus.

GOR. It is my wish to do so.

DOC. In a few words, without ceremony, without indulging in a long speech: cut it short with an apophthegm;[6] quick, quick, Mr. Gorgibus, make haste, avoid prolixity.

GOR. Suffer me to speak then....

DOC. That's enough Mr. Gorgibus, you speak too much. Somebody else must tell me what was the cause of their quarrel.

VILL. You must know, sir, that ...

DOC. You are an ignoramus, an unlearned man, ignorant of all good rules; an ass, in plain English. What! you begin a discourse without a word of exordium! Some one else must tell me what happened; will you, young lady, tell me the particulars of all this noise?

ANG. Do you see here my fat rascal, my wine-barrel of a husband ...

DOC. Gently, if you please, speak with respect of your husband when you are under the nose of a doctor like me.

ANG. Ah! I should just think so, doctor! I care little for you or your doctrine, and I am a doctor whenever I please.

DOC. You, a doctor when you please. A nice doctor you make. You seem to me to do much as you wish.... But, I say, tell me the subject of your uproar.

BAR. Sir, your honour ...

DOC. You begin well. "Your honour!" this word has something flattering to the ear, something full of magniloquence; "your honour!"

BAR. According to my will.

DOC. Quite right.... "According to my will!" the will speaks of a wish, the wish presupposes means to come to one's ends, and the end presupposes an object. It is well said, "according to my will!"

BAR. I am bursting with rage.

DOC. Cut out this word "bursting." It is a low, vulgar expression.

BAR. But, doctor, listen to me for mercy's sake.

DOC. _Audi, quæso_, would Cæsar have said.[7]

BAR. Seize her, or don't seize her, you will listen to me or I will break your doctoral neck! What the devil do you mean by all this?

(LE BARBOUILLÉ, ANGÉLIQUE, GORGIBUS, CATHAU, VILLEBREQUIN, _wish to explain the cause of the quarrel; the_ DOCTOR _explains that peace is a fine thing. They all talk together, and make a dreadful noise. In the midst of all this_, LE BARBOUILLÉ _ties the_ DOCTOR _by the legs with a rope, throws him down on his back, and drags him away; the_ DOCTOR _goes on talking all the time, and counts all his arguments on his fingers, as if he were not on the ground._)

GOR. Now, my daughter, go back to your home and live in peace with your husband.

VILL. Your servant; good night.

(_Exeunt_ VILLEBREQUIN, GORGIBUS, _and_ ANGÉLIQUE.)